Cucch's Book Review: "Lita: A Less Traveled R.O.A.D."

I am sad to report, the origin and definition of OH TAG is not included in this book.

Love her or hate her, no one can deny that Amy Dumas, better known to the wrestling public as Lita, left an indelible footprint within the history guides of WWE. Some fans see her as a guiding light, someone who helped modernize women's wrestling with high flying, death defying moves. Some see her as nothing but arm candy and just another pretty face. Some see her as a dangerous women's wrestler who performed sloppy versions of moves high flying men had taken a lifetime to learn to administer. But make no mistake about it, Lita definitely left an impression, for better or for worse.

Now, Lita's book is a WWE published production. So do not start looking for amazing inside writing or amazing appraisals from the author and ghost writer. "The Reality of Amy Dumas" is simply another in a long line of WWE puff pieces on wrestlers in their company that littered the literary universe at the peak of WWE powers. Those books generally tend to range from "Laughably horrible" (Chyna, Hardy Boyz) to "really good" (Foley's first, Edge's first). Lita's book falls somewhere in between. The reason it isn't, as to use the parlance of wrestling, the "drizzling shits" is because Amy is very forthcoming and seemingly honest.

The story begins with Amy Dumas at a young age. She had a great, supportive mother and a very distant father. Her father figured that his role was to bring home bread for the family, work his ass of, provide, and, once he got home, was not to be fucked with. Let him crack his Coors Light and decompress after a long days work. Amy and her old man never really got along, but there was nothing scandalous. It just was what it was, to quote a famous football coach, and father and daughter never really clicked.

From a young age, Amy enjoyed animals. One time, her mother took her to a shelter and Amy picked out...I shit you not...a pair of baby duckings for her pets. She raised the duckings like a proud mama duck, to the point where when she would leave for school, her duckies would follow behind as she climbed into a friends car, where, upon Amy entering the car, would then sadly retreat to the back yard. Amy loved those ducks, which thus began a lifetime of animal love. (Stop it you sick fucks. She loves animals.)

Her life more or less at that young age was her pet ducks. So it traumatized young Amy one morning to awake and not hear her ducks "talking" to her through her window. She ran out and found that the neighbors dog had snapped their neck. Her father was completely matter of fact about it while her mother tried in any way to console her.

Amy Dumas was a southern girl who had to travel a lot of states because of her father's employment. The longest she settled anywhere was in a suburb of Atlanta, Georgia. It was there that she found her niche. Up until that point she was only defined by the fact that she was a great swimmer, and she continued on swimming all through High School. (Insert hairless jokes here, they will show in the comments box). But Lita was never concerned about winning events, she just wanted to set a personal best, which, might I add, Is a DAMNED good way of approaching sports. But Amy felt empty, she needed to fill that (not that one) void.

That void was Punk Rock music. Now, I am going to be honest here as an author, I HATE punk rock. Absolutely hate it. It is my prerogative, and no one from where I was raised could  relate to it. But Amy found refuge in it, and became a total biker chick. She traveled from concert to concert, at a young age, experiencing mosh pit after most pit. She was addicted.

Amy Dumas was sick of school, sick of having to live by the rules when, in reality, she wanted to travel with her favorite Punk Rock groups all over the world. Insert your own sex jokes here, because none of that is shared in the book. But Amy DID graduate High School early so she could be arm candy to her Punk Rock boyfriend Beau, who, might I add, just in the description Amy gives of him, is either the smartest or dumbest man in the history of dating. At one point, the two are madly in love and having all sorts of crazy Punk sex, and at another, Beau is saying to Amy FUCK OFF, while Amy is still caught up on him. So he is either the biggest pimp ever or, more likely, a degenerate that a girl fell for. (I lean towards the latter because this "Beau" wasn't a singer, guitar player, bassist, or Drum Player. He was a DANCER. Ever seen a punk dancer? Load him up with ecstasy and let him loose. No talent needed.)

Amy graduated High School early for two reasons: 1. She was a total punk groupie (she doesn't state this, but read between the lines) and 2. She wanted out of her house. She found a cheap apartment in Atlanta, but needed a living to support her independent lifestyle. While she may have befriended some of her favorite Punk Rock Stars (Is it any wonder she dated Phil Brooks?) she still needed a steady flow of income. This is where Amy Dumas forever gains this dudes heart. Amy was, and remains, a huge advocate for animals, especially rescues. She started working as a kennel, uh, worker. She cared for dogs and cats, literally scooping up their shit and consoling them and helping them to gain adoption. As someone who is of the same ilk, someone who is all for the fair treatment of animals, this girl, Amy, just kills me with her kindness for animals. But something soon changed.

Amy Dumas was also a big time Punk Rock fan, and some of her friends offered her the chance of a lifetime: Come to Europe with us. As a worker at an animal shelter, that money was not going to come to fruition very easily. A friend of Amy's was a stripper in Washington DC, and offered a tryout for her at her establishment. Now, you have seen Lita, correct? Even without the augmented breasts, she is a hot number, so she decided to make money, she would strip. And she made good money at it. I am not one to objectify women in that sense, but, really, who is exploiting who? Women dance there goodies away, men throw their pay away. Its not even close. Anyway, Lita started stripping for some Vietnamese dude in DC, and saved up enough to travel with her friends to Europe.

Amy found herself traveling Europe, living on a train pass and little else. The tattoo on her shoulder? Done in Amsterdam.

Amy returned back to the States, and her on again off again dancer sissy asswipe was watching a program called MONDAY NITRO. Amy had never seen, or heard of, wrestling. She watched with her sugar daddy, and was convinced that she could do it. How? Why, she flew to Mexico.

Amy Dumas flew to Mexico. She had not one clue on what to do. She trampled around for two weeks until, basically, finding Sean Morely, better known as Val Venis. She did some rudimentary training there, and continued training in Chicago. Soon, Angelica, her gimmick name, became a hot commodity in the states women's ranks. She landed a contract with ECW, but Paul Heyman did not have much to do with her, aside from Angelica being kind of, well, NASTY. Licking her armpits, licking her toes...that type of shit.

But by the point Heyman was pushing this extremely sexy yet deviant act, WWF came calling.

WWF paired Lita with a Mexican star titled Essa Rios, with his female doppleganger Lita at his side. Essa did not last long, but the idea of Lita teaming with the Hardy Boys did. You see, during Lita's development of about a year or so, Matt and Jeff Hardy and their minions had called for Amy to train with them at their ghetto North Carolina gym. A bond was formed with Amy and Matt Hardy. They became inseparable. And the rest is history.

I am going to completely gloss over history here. All current fans know of the Hardyz-Dudlez-Edge and Christian feud. And the many more that happened. The fact is, we are describing LITA's book here, and here is what happened to her.

Lita was slated to make an appearance on the Jessica Alba vehicle called "Dark Angel." In an early stunt meeting, with a fucking STUNT double, Lita went for a relatively simple Hurracunrana. The double took it wrong and the end result was Lita with a broker fucking neck. We are talking Benoit, Edge broken neck. Fusion time. But NO ONE, lest the main players of Dark Angel did a damned thing. Lita laid in limbo for months, until a white knight figured out what was happening

You may be surprised by the name... James Cameron. The man who has delivered The Terminator, as well as the bane of my dating existence, Titanic. Huge money grossing movies. Well, Lita had a part in the Caemron sponsored show Dark Angel, starring the volcanically hot Jessica Alba. Lita was set to be a villain to Alba's babyface, but...shit happened. Lita was practicing her most basic move, a rana, on the stunt double. Only the stunt double had no clue of wrestling, so Lita went for her shitty ass rana, and the double had no idea how to twist or turn or bump, She ended up dropping Lita like Owen Hat piledriving Steve Austin at SummerSlam 97, and extensive nerve and neck damage commenced. Lita was, and still is, pissed that the stuntwoman had no idea how to perform the move, no idea how to LAND the move. And above all, she never apologized, neither the stuntwoman or her husband. Think about that. Wrestling law states you apologize IMMEDIATELY, be it in the match or through the curtain at Gorilla. The chick who altered Lita's life never gave her one "I am sorry." Lita is STILL (book published in 2003) pissed off about the way her serious NECK FUSION injury was handled, and I cannot blame her.  It was reckless and stupid, especially considering the shit Lita did night in and night out.

So Lita was now a charter member of the Neck Fusion Club. Not a fun group to be involved with. Benoit, Edge, Lita. The last couple of chapters in the book describe the amazing, stupid, insipid trials doctors put her through. GO SEE THIS GUY. DO NOT MOVE. YOU ARE BASICALLY DEAD. Its unreal, and its the main point of the book. Medical Malpractice. As someone who's father is a Doctor, I have first hand knowledge of what some inept doctors are capable of. In Lita's case, she walked around for weeks after her first doctor told her that there was nothing to worry about. The second doctor told her that she needed to stay in bed and never move again. Who would you think was the voice of reason for Lita? None other than that misogynistic biggest draw who ever lived (he is, and was. Deal with it Hogan Fans) Steve Austin. He talked Amy Dumas though everything and was just an amazing friend to a woman he barely knew. Those points of the book make it for this fan. The day after Lita had her life threatening (make no bones about that kiddies) surgery, she heard that certain wrestlers, namely Chris "Noob Saibot" Benoit had walked 50 stairs withing the first day. Lita did 52, and,,upon telling Vince, he said he would rib Benoit.

As the book comes to an end (published 2003), Lita was on the brink of returning. Lita's "Less Traveled Road" is actually a road that is experienced by many WWE superstars. Edge's book is familiar, Jericho's books are more well written, but similar. The Hardyz book is similair, but not nearly as good. "A Less Traveled R.O.A.D., The Reality of Amy Dumas" is well worth reading once. Is it mimicking the works of Tolstoy? No. But, as are most wrestling bio's, it is a very interesting character study.