Skip to main content

Cucch's Book Review: "Lita: A Less Traveled R.O.A.D."






I am sad to report, the origin and definition of OH TAG is not included in this book.

Love her or hate her, no one can deny that Amy Dumas, better known to the wrestling public as Lita, left an indelible footprint within the history guides of WWE. Some fans see her as a guiding light, someone who helped modernize women's wrestling with high flying, death defying moves. Some see her as nothing but arm candy and just another pretty face. Some see her as a dangerous women's wrestler who performed sloppy versions of moves high flying men had taken a lifetime to learn to administer. But make no mistake about it, Lita definitely left an impression, for better or for worse.

Now, Lita's book is a WWE published production. So do not start looking for amazing inside writing or amazing appraisals from the author and ghost writer. "The Reality of Amy Dumas" is simply another in a long line of WWE puff pieces on wrestlers in their company that littered the literary universe at the peak of WWE powers. Those books generally tend to range from "Laughably horrible" (Chyna, Hardy Boyz) to "really good" (Foley's first, Edge's first). Lita's book falls somewhere in between. The reason it isn't, as to use the parlance of wrestling, the "drizzling shits" is because Amy is very forthcoming and seemingly honest.

The story begins with Amy Dumas at a young age. She had a great, supportive mother and a very distant father. Her father figured that his role was to bring home bread for the family, work his ass of, provide, and, once he got home, was not to be fucked with. Let him crack his Coors Light and decompress after a long days work. Amy and her old man never really got along, but there was nothing scandalous. It just was what it was, to quote a famous football coach, and father and daughter never really clicked.

From a young age, Amy enjoyed animals. One time, her mother took her to a shelter and Amy picked out...I shit you not...a pair of baby duckings for her pets. She raised the duckings like a proud mama duck, to the point where when she would leave for school, her duckies would follow behind as she climbed into a friends car, where, upon Amy entering the car, would then sadly retreat to the back yard. Amy loved those ducks, which thus began a lifetime of animal love. (Stop it you sick fucks. She loves animals.)

Her life more or less at that young age was her pet ducks. So it traumatized young Amy one morning to awake and not hear her ducks "talking" to her through her window. She ran out and found that the neighbors dog had snapped their neck. Her father was completely matter of fact about it while her mother tried in any way to console her.

Amy Dumas was a southern girl who had to travel a lot of states because of her father's employment. The longest she settled anywhere was in a suburb of Atlanta, Georgia. It was there that she found her niche. Up until that point she was only defined by the fact that she was a great swimmer, and she continued on swimming all through High School. (Insert hairless jokes here, they will show in the comments box). But Lita was never concerned about winning events, she just wanted to set a personal best, which, might I add, Is a DAMNED good way of approaching sports. But Amy felt empty, she needed to fill that (not that one) void.

That void was Punk Rock music. Now, I am going to be honest here as an author, I HATE punk rock. Absolutely hate it. It is my prerogative, and no one from where I was raised could  relate to it. But Amy found refuge in it, and became a total biker chick. She traveled from concert to concert, at a young age, experiencing mosh pit after most pit. She was addicted.

Amy Dumas was sick of school, sick of having to live by the rules when, in reality, she wanted to travel with her favorite Punk Rock groups all over the world. Insert your own sex jokes here, because none of that is shared in the book. But Amy DID graduate High School early so she could be arm candy to her Punk Rock boyfriend Beau, who, might I add, just in the description Amy gives of him, is either the smartest or dumbest man in the history of dating. At one point, the two are madly in love and having all sorts of crazy Punk sex, and at another, Beau is saying to Amy FUCK OFF, while Amy is still caught up on him. So he is either the biggest pimp ever or, more likely, a degenerate that a girl fell for. (I lean towards the latter because this "Beau" wasn't a singer, guitar player, bassist, or Drum Player. He was a DANCER. Ever seen a punk dancer? Load him up with ecstasy and let him loose. No talent needed.)

Amy graduated High School early for two reasons: 1. She was a total punk groupie (she doesn't state this, but read between the lines) and 2. She wanted out of her house. She found a cheap apartment in Atlanta, but needed a living to support her independent lifestyle. While she may have befriended some of her favorite Punk Rock Stars (Is it any wonder she dated Phil Brooks?) she still needed a steady flow of income. This is where Amy Dumas forever gains this dudes heart. Amy was, and remains, a huge advocate for animals, especially rescues. She started working as a kennel, uh, worker. She cared for dogs and cats, literally scooping up their shit and consoling them and helping them to gain adoption. As someone who is of the same ilk, someone who is all for the fair treatment of animals, this girl, Amy, just kills me with her kindness for animals. But something soon changed.

Amy Dumas was also a big time Punk Rock fan, and some of her friends offered her the chance of a lifetime: Come to Europe with us. As a worker at an animal shelter, that money was not going to come to fruition very easily. A friend of Amy's was a stripper in Washington DC, and offered a tryout for her at her establishment. Now, you have seen Lita, correct? Even without the augmented breasts, she is a hot number, so she decided to make money, she would strip. And she made good money at it. I am not one to objectify women in that sense, but, really, who is exploiting who? Women dance there goodies away, men throw their pay away. Its not even close. Anyway, Lita started stripping for some Vietnamese dude in DC, and saved up enough to travel with her friends to Europe.

Amy found herself traveling Europe, living on a train pass and little else. The tattoo on her shoulder? Done in Amsterdam.

Amy returned back to the States, and her on again off again dancer sissy asswipe was watching a program called MONDAY NITRO. Amy had never seen, or heard of, wrestling. She watched with her sugar daddy, and was convinced that she could do it. How? Why, she flew to Mexico.

Amy Dumas flew to Mexico. She had not one clue on what to do. She trampled around for two weeks until, basically, finding Sean Morely, better known as Val Venis. She did some rudimentary training there, and continued training in Chicago. Soon, Angelica, her gimmick name, became a hot commodity in the states women's ranks. She landed a contract with ECW, but Paul Heyman did not have much to do with her, aside from Angelica being kind of, well, NASTY. Licking her armpits, licking her toes...that type of shit.

But by the point Heyman was pushing this extremely sexy yet deviant act, WWF came calling.

WWF paired Lita with a Mexican star titled Essa Rios, with his female doppleganger Lita at his side. Essa did not last long, but the idea of Lita teaming with the Hardy Boys did. You see, during Lita's development of about a year or so, Matt and Jeff Hardy and their minions had called for Amy to train with them at their ghetto North Carolina gym. A bond was formed with Amy and Matt Hardy. They became inseparable. And the rest is history.

I am going to completely gloss over history here. All current fans know of the Hardyz-Dudlez-Edge and Christian feud. And the many more that happened. The fact is, we are describing LITA's book here, and here is what happened to her.

Lita was slated to make an appearance on the Jessica Alba vehicle called "Dark Angel." In an early stunt meeting, with a fucking STUNT double, Lita went for a relatively simple Hurracunrana. The double took it wrong and the end result was Lita with a broker fucking neck. We are talking Benoit, Edge broken neck. Fusion time. But NO ONE, lest the main players of Dark Angel did a damned thing. Lita laid in limbo for months, until a white knight figured out what was happening

You may be surprised by the name... James Cameron. The man who has delivered The Terminator, as well as the bane of my dating existence, Titanic. Huge money grossing movies. Well, Lita had a part in the Caemron sponsored show Dark Angel, starring the volcanically hot Jessica Alba. Lita was set to be a villain to Alba's babyface, but...shit happened. Lita was practicing her most basic move, a rana, on the stunt double. Only the stunt double had no clue of wrestling, so Lita went for her shitty ass rana, and the double had no idea how to twist or turn or bump, She ended up dropping Lita like Owen Hat piledriving Steve Austin at SummerSlam 97, and extensive nerve and neck damage commenced. Lita was, and still is, pissed that the stuntwoman had no idea how to perform the move, no idea how to LAND the move. And above all, she never apologized, neither the stuntwoman or her husband. Think about that. Wrestling law states you apologize IMMEDIATELY, be it in the match or through the curtain at Gorilla. The chick who altered Lita's life never gave her one "I am sorry." Lita is STILL (book published in 2003) pissed off about the way her serious NECK FUSION injury was handled, and I cannot blame her.  It was reckless and stupid, especially considering the shit Lita did night in and night out.

So Lita was now a charter member of the Neck Fusion Club. Not a fun group to be involved with. Benoit, Edge, Lita. The last couple of chapters in the book describe the amazing, stupid, insipid trials doctors put her through. GO SEE THIS GUY. DO NOT MOVE. YOU ARE BASICALLY DEAD. Its unreal, and its the main point of the book. Medical Malpractice. As someone who's father is a Doctor, I have first hand knowledge of what some inept doctors are capable of. In Lita's case, she walked around for weeks after her first doctor told her that there was nothing to worry about. The second doctor told her that she needed to stay in bed and never move again. Who would you think was the voice of reason for Lita? None other than that misogynistic biggest draw who ever lived (he is, and was. Deal with it Hogan Fans) Steve Austin. He talked Amy Dumas though everything and was just an amazing friend to a woman he barely knew. Those points of the book make it for this fan. The day after Lita had her life threatening (make no bones about that kiddies) surgery, she heard that certain wrestlers, namely Chris "Noob Saibot" Benoit had walked 50 stairs withing the first day. Lita did 52, and,,upon telling Vince, he said he would rib Benoit.

As the book comes to an end (published 2003), Lita was on the brink of returning. Lita's "Less Traveled Road" is actually a road that is experienced by many WWE superstars. Edge's book is familiar, Jericho's books are more well written, but similar. The Hardyz book is similair, but not nearly as good. "A Less Traveled R.O.A.D., The Reality of Amy Dumas" is well worth reading once. Is it mimicking the works of Tolstoy? No. But, as are most wrestling bio's, it is a very interesting character study.


Comments

  1. davidbonzaisaldanamontgomeryJuly 30, 2013 at 10:03 PM

    The title is also outdated now that we know how well-traveled Lita was backstage.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Scream09_HartKillerJuly 30, 2013 at 10:25 PM

    Seeing how Edge is known as one of the nicer guys in wrestling, while Matt Hardy's insane, we should let her slide on that whole affair thing.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Because the people she had sex with!


    I get it!

    ReplyDelete
  4. davidbonzaisaldanamontgomeryJuly 30, 2013 at 10:37 PM

    YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Her left thigh was named "El", the right one "Dandy". And guess who they were named after? That's right...

    ReplyDelete
  6. Why Phil Brooks? Why not CM Punk? Just curious.

    ReplyDelete
  7. She really was a huge deal back in 2000 and 2001. Despite chyna trying to kill her push, good for wwe actually utilizing her strengths and marketing her appropriately.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Named after a real jam-up guy

    ReplyDelete
  9. TheRealCitizenSnipsJuly 30, 2013 at 11:12 PM

    I doubt that.

    ReplyDelete
  10. http://stuntgranny.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/138726390.png

    http://storage.canoe.ca/v1/dynamic_resize/sws_path/suns-prod-images/1297321590614_ORIGINAL.jpg?quality=80&size=650x&stmp=1349405533541



    I do not blame her one bit.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Just guessing but avoid confusion with the punk rock talk

    ReplyDelete
  12. The stupid little opinions in this ruin it. "Sorry Hogan fans" WTF is that needed? Noone in your neighborhood can relate to punk? What are you from Beverly Hills or something?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Alas, Matt was quick to complain about it online, and thus gained all the sympathy. If Lita had just come out and said "Matt was insane and a douche" maybe we could have bought it.

    Of course, anyone planning on setting up a new relationship should probably END the prior relationship first, but people in love/lust/like do stupid shit. She was just unfortunate enough to get caught in a public forum where the fans have immediate access to the stars. Imagine if Angelina Jolie had to go out on live TV every week when the Brad/Jen/Angie thing happened.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Yeah, Lita always came across like "that guy in the band's girlfriend" or "that girl who hangs around every show to 'talk to' the musicians", doing that for music and then wrestling. Given that she's a rocker's ideal girl (not too pretty, big breasts, tattoos, punk rock attitude), she's probably a legend in both circles.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Leave noone out of this.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Can you explain why the Hardyz book is laughably horrible and deserves to be lumped in with Chyna's book? I enjoyed it.

    ReplyDelete
  17. You wrote the Dark Angel paragraph twice.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I've been a fan of the band that Lita's ex danced with for a long time. They're called Avail and they had a good 20 year run before their lead singer went solo. However, having seen them in concert a few times, I can tell you Beau's role was just as useless as you described.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Probably because Phil Brooks is the man while CM Punk is a character. It is REAL hard to date a character.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Why is Edge's book getting praise? That book blew for the most part. He tries to be funny like Jericho and fails big time. The writing is brutal. This is a story that should of had a ghost writer.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Yeah, I was like "WTF?" A ton of typos and sentences that just make no sense in this one. Spelling mistakes is one thing, but some stuff just can't be read properly either.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Pope of ClintologyJuly 31, 2013 at 6:06 AM

    So, she tried to do a wrestling move on somebody that didn't know wrestling and was annoyed when that person didn't bump correctly or follow wrestling protocol?

    ReplyDelete
  23. Perfect example of a nasty looking girl who by getting a boob job and dressing skanky convinced a few people that she was hot.
    Sloppy in the ring, annoying as hell, and fugly. Good riddance Lita.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Is what she often says! While having lots of sex!

    ReplyDelete
  25. I think Edge is a nice guy, and MAtt is insane all due to Lita's snatch.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Yeah I agree. Far too much of himself in his reviews.

    ReplyDelete
  27. You better not!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Yeah that's some stupid shit to do. And then to be mad at the stunt double because you're an idiot? Fuck off.

    ReplyDelete
  29. What the fuck is with all the repeating paragraphs over and over and the random capitalization of stuff? This read like it should have been written by a serial killer. You back on drugs or something? Also, between the comments you had here and the way you got all disgusted by Lawler's exploits, you should really talk to someone about your issues with women.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Why would Lita even try to give a untrained person a hurricarana? That's fucking retarded

    ReplyDelete
  31. This is the most wrong someone has ever been about something.Ever. Like seriously, the flat Earth people are closer to being correct than you are here...

    ReplyDelete
  32. AverageJoeEverymanJuly 31, 2013 at 8:07 AM

    Yeah Ive always heard that Noone is a real good dude.

    ReplyDelete
  33. AverageJoeEverymanJuly 31, 2013 at 8:07 AM

    Dont I know it. I have been trying to date Jessica Rabbit for YEARS!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Typos is comments are funny!

    ReplyDelete
  35. No, she wasnt that hot dude. She had a killer (enhanced) body but....have you seen her face? Not to mention all the trashy looking tattoos.

    ReplyDelete
  36. WWF paired Lita with a Mexican star titled Essa Rios, with his female doppleganger Lita at his side.

    And the rest is history.

    I am going to completely gloss over history here.

    singer, guitar player, bassist, or Drum Player

    ReplyDelete
  37. Your_Favourite_AssholeJuly 31, 2013 at 9:15 AM

    ''which thus began a lifetime of animal love. (Stop it you sick fucks. She loves animals.)'


    pretty sure no one would have read it that way had you not thrown in the parenthetical


    just sayin... sometimes a joke doesnt always have to be made*


    *consider the source on that one

    ReplyDelete
  38. Your_Favourite_AssholeJuly 31, 2013 at 9:17 AM

    hi matt hardy!

    ReplyDelete
  39. Your_Favourite_AssholeJuly 31, 2013 at 9:18 AM

    well, maybe he thought some people would want to read it twice

    ReplyDelete
  40. Your_Favourite_AssholeJuly 31, 2013 at 9:19 AM

    'What are you from Beverly Hills or something?'


    author = bobby heenan?

    ReplyDelete
  41. Come on now, you all know I feel about 2006 Evil Skank Lita, so cut her some slack.

    ReplyDelete
  42. What a horrible thing to call a person.
    You really are an asshole.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Charismatic e-Negro Jef VinsonJuly 31, 2013 at 10:01 AM

    Funniest part of Edge's book is a photo of him giving Lita a spear outside the ring. The caption was something to the effect of, "If you want to get a reaction, spear Lita."
    "I love shoot comments..."

    ReplyDelete
  44. Charismatic e-Negro Jef VinsonJuly 31, 2013 at 10:01 AM

    Is she still dating Punk or has he moved on in his game of Wrestling chick bingo?

    ReplyDelete
  45. Charismatic e-Negro Jef VinsonJuly 31, 2013 at 10:05 AM

    Yep, and apparently no wrestling chick has had more guys jammed up in her than Lita....

    ....well maybe Missy Hyatt.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Lita is one of the single most overrated wrestlers, male or female, of all-time.Sloppy in the ring, generally bad on interviews, and only stuck out due to her look.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Didn't you just go off on a tirade the other day about how you have zero respect for the female gender on the whole because they are all vapid, attention seeking whores?

    And now you're taking up for LITA?

    ReplyDelete
  48. I'm defending her appearance yes... and shots any woman prove my point better than lita?

    ReplyDelete
  49. Charismatic e-Negro Jef VinsonJuly 31, 2013 at 10:43 AM

    Stop downvoting me, Lita.

    ReplyDelete
  50. I would say "This guy gets it" but I don't want to use a The Fuj line in response to you...

    ReplyDelete
  51. davidbonzaisaldanamontgomeryJuly 31, 2013 at 11:42 AM

    I'm kinda baffled, because from what Cucch wrote, it sounds like something that they could've walked through before trying it. Sure, the stunt double probably didn't know jack about wrestling, but to not do anything and just sandbag Lita without protecting her seems a bit of a reach...it could've happened but she must've been the worst stunt double in the history of stunt doubles to go down the way it comes across.

    ReplyDelete
  52. THANK YOU ASSHOLE!

    ReplyDelete
  53. You ever try to write a book review on FUCKING LITA? Try coming up with material. Its not easy. And I have no issues with women. It takes someone who truly does to point out something like that. Confront your own mommy issues toolbox.

    ReplyDelete
  54. BTW, did I ever have to mention drugs or anything that I have encountered in my checkered past? No. So for a nobody like you to imply that I may have relapsed or to even mention that stupid, insipid, insensitive line makes you the dregs of the internet. A troll. Get a fucking life asswipe.

    ReplyDelete
  55. The injury happened on the walkthrough. Sorry not to clarify that, my bad.

    ReplyDelete
  56. Your_Favourite_AssholeJuly 31, 2013 at 12:22 PM

    *bango

    ReplyDelete
  57. Your_Favourite_AssholeJuly 31, 2013 at 12:24 PM

    i, too, 'stuck out' due to her look

    ReplyDelete
  58. Your_Favourite_AssholeJuly 31, 2013 at 12:24 PM

    'You ever try to write a book review on FUCKING LITA?'


    punk, matt hardy, edge, and countless others could write a book on fucking lita

    ReplyDelete
  59. "But NO ONE, lest the main players of Dark Angel did a damned thing. Lita laid in limbo for months, until a white knight figured out what was happening."



    So what did James Cameron do for Lita?

    ReplyDelete
  60. Asswipe? You suck.


    You're the one who posted a review that was incoherent at best and Ryan Murphy has every right to call you out on it. I rarely see eye to eye with Ryan, but he is right on the money here.


    How do you explain the repeated paragraph, the bad jokes, the weird potshots, the typos and the issues with capitalization?

    ReplyDelete
  61. Toolbox? 0-2 on the insults.


    Apparently the best way to write a book review about Lita is to repeat paragraphs. SO FUCK YOUR RULES MAAAAAAAN

    ReplyDelete
  62. Jessica Rabbit?? Underachiever.

    ReplyDelete
  63. davidbonzaisaldanamontgomeryJuly 31, 2013 at 5:43 PM

    THAT'S MY JOKE! GIMMICK INFRINGEMENT!

    ReplyDelete
  64. Yeah, seriously. Where on earth could someone be raised that it would prevent you from relating to punk rock?


    Hell, I'm from Mississippi, and there was a thriving punk rock scene here when I was in highschool.

    ReplyDelete
  65. Missy Hyatt, Kelly Kelly and Tammy Sytch are definitely ranked higher than Lita on that list.

    ReplyDelete
  66. I went to the premiere of CM Punk's dvd here in Chicago, and Punk was there with Lita. Not only was she extremely friendly to everyone, but she looked absolutely molten lava hot.

    ReplyDelete
  67. Wrestling DVD's have premieres?
    Well, ok, your milage may vary. Glad that you liked what you saw I guess.

    ReplyDelete
  68. They did a one-off premiere in Chicago with Q&A. And cookies and milk.


    She looked a little fuller , and a lot less tired and haggard than she often looked. Settling down and getting off the road was very good for her.

    ReplyDelete
  69. I know a few folks who's Waifus beg to differ with you.

    ReplyDelete
  70. Interesting Post, Could you give me some more updates about spinal decompression rochester.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment