Greetings, buckaroos.
The topic from yesterday gave me the idea for today's question...
What's the most embarrassing situation you've been in, or bore witness to?
For me, it dates back almost 10 years ago. In my group of friends, as there is with all, there was one who was a complete asshole. The one who always got too drunk, who always talked too much shit, who always made the wrong choice at the wrong time, we'll call him Max. Well, one of my friends, who we'll call Steve, had his own place and had finally grown tired of my other friend and his anticts, so he was banned from there.
After about 3 months, the New Year was coming and my friend was planning a large box social at his place. Feeling the warmth of the season, against his best judgement, he removed the guy's ban, and he was allowed at the party. One thing you should know about Steve, he's always had a thing for Asian women. Well, this particular evening he had a date with him, who of course was Asian.
As the night moves along, Max was his typical idiot self and drank far more than he should have. So, at one point, about 10 minutes before it's midnight, in the middle of the ENTIRE party, Max says to Steve "Dude, Steve, where's all your Asian porn?! I know you've got a TON of Asian porn, cause you got the Fever!". He then looked to Steve's date, the Asian woman and said "He's digging you cause yer' Asian, which is cool cause yer' hot!".
Man, my friend Steve showed more restraint than anyone I've ever seen, as he should have absolutely fucking KILLED, Max. No questions asked. Instead he told him to get the fuck out. Of course, the girl and my friend Steve never went out again, as she broke up him. My friend Max said that Steve was being a touchy bitch and should have just got over it.
Steve later told me it's the angriest & most embarrassed he's ever been. The reason he didn't beat the hell out of Max was because the girl Steve was with had an abusive father, and detested violence. To this day I've never been witness to a more embarrassing situation. I wasn't even the target of the whole thing, and I was embarrassed.
How say you?
Anyone with a QOTD, send'em on in to caliberw@hotmail.com
The topic from yesterday gave me the idea for today's question...
What's the most embarrassing situation you've been in, or bore witness to?
For me, it dates back almost 10 years ago. In my group of friends, as there is with all, there was one who was a complete asshole. The one who always got too drunk, who always talked too much shit, who always made the wrong choice at the wrong time, we'll call him Max. Well, one of my friends, who we'll call Steve, had his own place and had finally grown tired of my other friend and his anticts, so he was banned from there.
After about 3 months, the New Year was coming and my friend was planning a large box social at his place. Feeling the warmth of the season, against his best judgement, he removed the guy's ban, and he was allowed at the party. One thing you should know about Steve, he's always had a thing for Asian women. Well, this particular evening he had a date with him, who of course was Asian.
As the night moves along, Max was his typical idiot self and drank far more than he should have. So, at one point, about 10 minutes before it's midnight, in the middle of the ENTIRE party, Max says to Steve "Dude, Steve, where's all your Asian porn?! I know you've got a TON of Asian porn, cause you got the Fever!". He then looked to Steve's date, the Asian woman and said "He's digging you cause yer' Asian, which is cool cause yer' hot!".
Man, my friend Steve showed more restraint than anyone I've ever seen, as he should have absolutely fucking KILLED, Max. No questions asked. Instead he told him to get the fuck out. Of course, the girl and my friend Steve never went out again, as she broke up him. My friend Max said that Steve was being a touchy bitch and should have just got over it.
Steve later told me it's the angriest & most embarrassed he's ever been. The reason he didn't beat the hell out of Max was because the girl Steve was with had an abusive father, and detested violence. To this day I've never been witness to a more embarrassing situation. I wasn't even the target of the whole thing, and I was embarrassed.
How say you?
Anyone with a QOTD, send'em on in to caliberw@hotmail.com
San Diego mails out this "downtown" magazine. In it they have ads for all the "hot" bars and restaurants, and often times gave accompanying coupons. I would rather pay double price than use a fucking coupon because that's such an embarrassing ham n egger thing to do. This became known amongst my group of friends and my gf so it seems like every other time I'm at some nice restaurant some asshole pulls out a coupon for a free entre or a half price meal when the bill comes. Even if I agree to pick up the entire tab (which I often do to try and avoid my 2nd biggest embarrassment; the itemized splitting ofthe bill...just give me the fucking check) they waive those goddamn coupons and I get embarrassed every time
ReplyDeleteThat guy's a douche no doubt but I don't think that should have spelt the end for your friend and the asian chick. He could've just played it off like the other dude was a drunken idiot (which he was).
ReplyDeleteMost embarrassing situation I can think of now is when a friend told a joke about a deaf girl (using the name of a partially deaf girl we all knew) in front of her brother. He had somehow completely forgotten that the girl was his the guy's sister. Anyway he finished the joke to the sound of crickets (the rest of us were aware the girl's brother was standing with us) and he just looked at him and said... "that's my sister". Cringe city.
My standards for embarrassment have gone down to none. Working a gig where people piss their pants on a daily basis will do that to ya. But: the most embarrassed I've ever personally been. Ok when I was a kid I was a real pain in the ass picky eater. It lasted right through high school, I just didn't want to try anything out of my comfort zone. Once I got to adulthood I grew up & started eating mostly normal. But I lived in a different state than my mother for most of those years and she didn't really know what I ate. Even now she still acts shocked. So at my wedding, I'm sitting down with my spread of whatever, and my mother comes up behind me and says to my dad, in the same voice you'd use for a 5 year old, "Tim, look at all the food our son is eating." In front of everyone. AT MY GODDAMN WEDDING. So also in front of everyone, including close friends and distant family members, I reflexively tell my mother to fuck off. Also embarrassing but at that point my hand had been played. That's the kind of mother I got, and that's why she's gonna end up in a crooked nursing home like you see on 60 Minutes.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in grade 12, our Terry Fox walk got moved from the outdoor track, to inside our school gymnasium, due to weather.
ReplyDeleteThe student council spruced up walking around the basketball court by turning it into a pep-rally-esque event. An MC introduced the classrooms one by one, and someone would hit play on the cd player (we were juuusssttt before the blow-up of youtube) to play a song.
Well, the person in charge of the tunes had an absolutely nefarious plan that day. As th MC introduced the challenging needs class, this guy hit the original (as in, not changed to "Let's Get it Started") version of "Let's Get Retarded" by the Black Eyed Peas. The Challenging needs class ran out, oblivious to this, and the awkward scene of them celebrating and getting pumped up to this very unfortunate song choice probably lasted 30 seconds before someone managed to cut the music off.
The guy got suspended for 2 days.
I don't know...I think using a coupon is fine as long as you tip the percentage of the original cost of the bill. And that's 20%, no 15% bullshit.
ReplyDeleteOh man, I was in a wedding earlier this month and one of the other groomsmen got super drunk and did an impromptu speech. The groom's brother did a nice speech that was heart felt but also had a few edgy things in it. Nothing inappropriate though, just a little baudy stuff that got a laugh. Two of the bride's best friends did nice speeches. Then as they finish, the DJ starts playing music and then this drunk asshole grabs the mic and says he has a speech. Right off the bat we're all cringing b/c this guy had been super wasted the whole day. He then goes off about how he remembers the day the bride and groom met and how he knew they were in love at first sight b/c within a few hours of the couple meeting, he could hear her moaning in the bedroom. Then he goes on about how he saw them both go into the shower the next day after the beach to "clean the sand off of themselves" and that "I bet she took goooood care of him" (oh and he did this complete with air quotes). He got about 5 minutes in before the groom's brother got the dj to cut the mic and politely suggested it was time for him to leave. The poor girl was in tears b/c he's saying all this shit on her wedding day in front of both of their families (some of whom are very straightlaced Southern peeps). It was a fucking mess.
ReplyDeleteShady Pines Maw....Shady Pines.....
ReplyDeleteYeah but the server won't know what your gonna do until after you leave as far as the tip. In fact I think they assume if your so cheap to use a coupon your cheap enough to tip on the reduced bill. I say pay full price or cook at home
ReplyDeleteThat is fucked up and cold hearted by the guy who did that. BUT, I will say, working with people with developmental disabilities, you'd be surprised how many of them actually have a sense of humor about it. I remember one kid getting super pumped to a Lil Jon song saying "get retarded" like it was a shout out. And I've had some of my guys answer som hard question and when you praise them for it they'll come out with "what do you think I am, retarded?" Brings the house down every fucking time.
ReplyDeleteOk that wins the award for todays really evil post that made me laugh out loud.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, I use the word "retarded" a lot. I never use it in reference to the mentally challenged, however. That word has been ingrained in me since childhood.
ReplyDeleteA box social? Seriously?
ReplyDeleteI just used a coupon to get a free meal for two at the local Genghis Grill. It also came with two free drinks and a dessert. I won it as part of a local radio station's contest. That contest also gave out a gift certificate to a lingerie store, and a bunch of freebies like condoms and lotions and oils. Oh...and a giant cookie. I have no shame in pulling out the coupon. Microsoft has gone down 49 points.
ReplyDeleteCw why would that girl have gotten mad at her date for the shit his friend did? She sounds like a real cunt and IMO Steve is better off
ReplyDeleteAnd how old was cal 10 years ago. This all sounds way illegal with the underage Asian girl
ReplyDeleteCoupons are the most shameful thing for a man2 use. So emasculating and such a humanoid move
ReplyDeletebruuuuuuuuutal
ReplyDeleteFuck Terry Fox. He's a quitter.
ReplyDeleteWait...what? You hate coupons?
ReplyDeleteWhat is a box social. I have no idea
ReplyDeleteI don't hate coupons, but just the sight of seeing someone use one embarasses me
ReplyDeleteWhy? That's what they are there for.
ReplyDeleteAt least I know you're not Jewish
To each their own, jobber. I have specific things I feel the same way about. I just hope that no one thinks I have a small penis or anything like that...because then we're getting personal.
ReplyDeleteI went to wikipedia and it literally said its an event where you bid on woman's boxes
ReplyDeleteI used to have 0 regard for social norms, drank alot, and was generally just an obnoxious prick, so 3-4 came to mind...this isnt the most embarassing but is the one that sticks out the most.
ReplyDeleteI was a senior at University of Delaware and was dating a junior sorority chick there. This particular sorority was filled with hot chicks and did a great job of fundraising so they had some money for social events. We were at a mixer in Atlantic City and had just been dropped off back at campus at like 2am from a bus. I lived on one side of campus and she lived in a huge sorority house on the other side of campus, so I decided to meet her at her place after I stopped by my place to get some stuff.
Ham n' Egger...Humanoid? Are you Bobby Heenen?
ReplyDeleteAlso, screw it, I'll use a coupon if I remember to bring one with me. You're supposed to use coupons; that's why they make them. Maybe it's just more acceptable in the Midwest.
Hey...has anyone ever hid in the bushes attempting to spy on a girl that they liked, and then came running out of the bushes and bumped into said girl, and found yourself making up some stuff out of embarassment? if so, raise your hand.
ReplyDelete*hand raised* *more than once*
I always pictured it being gigantic!!!
ReplyDeleteGrade eight gym this kid pulled down my gym shorts on a day I had no clean underwear. Cock and balls all over the damn place.
ReplyDeleteDude I bet your causing tons of embarrassment for your friends. Look I get it if its for a free meal or something (still wouldn't do it but...) but to save15 bucks on a 150 dollar bill or something...I want to just vanish
ReplyDeleteYou are now my best friend.
ReplyDeleteI completely disagree with this line of thinking. But I'm Jewish
ReplyDeleteI work with a Jewish dude who shares my anti coupon kick but he'll item by item do the bill split which is almost as bad and more annoying.
ReplyDeleteI hope this story ends with you making out with YoUDee at Trabant.
ReplyDeleteHaha, I stole so much shit from Trabant my time there. Dp dough and cluck you man!!!
ReplyDeletethere was one time i caught some dude spying on my mom in a tree across the street and i called him on it and it turned out to be my dad and then he ran off and just at that moment my grandfather hit me with his car and knocked me out and then my mom fell in love with me and i had to get her and my dad to hook up at the fish under the sea dance cause my brother and my sister were disappearing from the picture i had while i was playing rock n roll that although the peeps at the dance didnt like it i knew their kids were gonna love it
ReplyDelete'Cock and balls all over the damn place.'
ReplyDeletehey, anyone notice the big pop for darren young last night?
That's pretty awful. I've actually had recurring nightmares of something like that happening if I ever get married. Just means I've gotta mind who I add to the wedding party, I guess.
ReplyDeletethe corporation was callin' kane 'the big red retard' on raw on 24/7 and they bleeped out 'retard'
ReplyDeleteYeah it was bad. I was also in another wedding a few years ago that had an awkward speech due to the best man having a stuttering problem. He has it somewhat under control normally but he was super emotional and had already had a few beers which causes his stuttering to worsen. The speech itself was fine and the content was fine but it was just awkward as hell to hear him fumble through the speech for 10-15 minutes, stuttering over every 3rd or 4th word.
ReplyDeleteIn my experience, Asian girls HATE white guys who have Asian fetishes.
ReplyDeleteOddly, it's actually the PROPER term to use in from of the "Mentally retarded", being an authentic medical term. However, said term changes all the damn time, because SURPRISE SURPRISE, people who have a condition that makes them less intelligent than everyone else end up having their terms used as insults. See: old medical terms such as imbecile, idiot and moron.
ReplyDeleteIn another ten years, girls (who are ALWAYS defensive and protective of these types) will drop their jaws and get horribly shocked when you use the dreaded slur "Special Needs".
Dude I just had my head down at my desk at work so no one would hear me laughing. Well done sir!
ReplyDeleteAs someone who works retail, the amount of work some people put into coupon clipping is embarrassing. They save a ton of money, but come across as poor white trash hoarders.
ReplyDeleteIf theres EVER a question I want Scott to answer its this one.
ReplyDeleteHa. Yea, it sucked man.
ReplyDeleteReally? I mean, seriously? Not one period used?
ReplyDeleteQuality reference.
ReplyDeleteYou should meet my newspaper's photographer, Ira. He's got 4-5 different Asian girlfriends.
ReplyDeleteIt's just an old-timey word for a party.
ReplyDeleteJust curious; how much longer did you and your girlfriend stay together after that?
ReplyDeleteThe bill split kills me and usually leads me to just take the check and pay for it myself. I will also state I have no problems using coupons. I don't, because I almost never remember them when I go to the store, but I am not intrinsically opposed to it...
ReplyDeleteGood question. A few more months. She was a little crazy also so it didn't bother her as much as most.
ReplyDeleteDP Dough! I miss DP Dough.
ReplyDelete/thread
ReplyDeleteNo one else even needs to try here.
Jesus, how many of you people have lived in Delaware?
ReplyDeleteI've never lived in Delaware, but there were DP Doughs in Cortland and Ithaca, NY. I spent many a drunken night in college (at Cortland) and while I worked in Ithaca enjoying a buffalo chicken calzone.
ReplyDeleteKelly Divine!!
ReplyDeleteWhat you say is stupid.
ReplyDeleteIm sure this will get argued but DP Dough MIGHT be the best drunk food ever.
ReplyDeleteYou get no argument from me there, sir.
ReplyDeleteHuh, I thought it was a local thing. Nm.
ReplyDeleteI'll take saving a ton of money over someone else feeling embarrassed for me for no reason. My wife clips the shit out of coupons. All it means is I get even MORE of things I love.
ReplyDeleteI've got no beef with coupons, in reasonable number, and in appropriate circumstance (ie grocery store sure, hot bar nuh-uh). I almost never remember to use them, but in theory I'm down.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on dickering over restaurant bills though. I would much rather just pick it up myself than figure out who had what and who should get the app that we all split.
You asshole, I thought it was a real story until the grandfather part.
ReplyDeleteOmg you use the coupons your wife clips!!!! That's fucking terrible. Be a man, pay full price or gtfo
ReplyDeleteAny of these girls ever end up dating you?
ReplyDeleteWell I say using ccoupons is stupid so I guess we're at a real standstill. Go hold up a grocery-store line for 10 minutes so you can save .20 cents on your rice crispies
ReplyDeleteYet if you pay for a woman's box for an hour, it's illegal. Fucking 'Murica!
ReplyDeleteThey have random locations across the country - four in upstate NY (none in the City, I just checked), some in Colorado, some in Illinois, one in Massachusetts. Mostly in college towns.
ReplyDeleteBeing a man requires paying more than you have to? No thanks.
ReplyDeleteI'm with TripleHFan, I was legit laughing out loud at that.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe the girl brought you TP and actually stood by you. Of course, I then read a few posts down she was crazy, so that's why she didn't act like a normal girl and deny knowing you.
One time, I'd drank about two Mickey's Big Mouth Grenades, and had a lot of pizza. Well, I'm about to leave my friends house and drive home, I wasn't drunk mind you, as I'd only had two. Anyway, I felt like I was gonna have to shit, but figured I'd just wait until I got home. This was when I found out that I can't have beer & pizza at the same time, because it gives me the BG's so bad I could blow a hole in the side of a submarine. So anyway, I'm half-way home and it fucking HITS me, man. No joke, I drove for 10 more miles with my feet dug in the floor, and my ass flexed so hard that I'm not even sitting on the seat of the car, and I'm literally screaming "AARRGGHHH!!!". It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I damn near crashed into my house, and barrel rolled out of the car like I was fucking Jason Statham or something. How I didn't shit my pants is beyond me. I'll never know.
I remember that time you called a motorist a chicken fucker. It was glorious.
ReplyDeletewere you the one who went to high school with her?
ReplyDeleteIt had only been a few dates, and she thought the only reason he was with her was because he was treating her like a fetish, and had no real interest in her.
ReplyDeleteHonestly though, you are right, she was a bit of a bitch, and he was only dating her because she was Asian.
Haha, 10 years ago I was 19, almost 20. I turn 30 in September
ReplyDeleteYea, she was all fucked up so thought it was funny. I agree with you... having to shit like you explained it is the worst feeling ever. I've shit myself as an adult in my late 20s but tgats a different story.
ReplyDeleteYea. She was a year younger then me. Loved black dudes even back as a pre cum dumpster high schooler.
ReplyDeleteHaha I know that feeling. I had a similar experience on the way to the airport in Kerry, Ireland as I had drunk a ridiculous amount of Guinness the night before and woke up hungover as fuck! For the last fourty minutes I sat in the back of my parent's car practically the same without the screaming wanting to let the heaven's open up with a dreaded downpour of black Guinness-stained trouser gravy and it's a part of Ireland that's really rural and a good two decades behind so there are no services on the way. It was nearly a photo finish when I got to the airport toilets and was shocked but relieved to see I hadn't pebble dashed my boxers! Since then I only drink two pints of Guinness at the most when I'm out.
ReplyDeleteHahah
ReplyDeleteThe downvoter missed the irony of calling someone out on their punctuation rather than the blatant copyright infringement. I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY!!
ReplyDeleteYeah....in my dreams.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean.
ReplyDeleteI was just watching an episode of Seinfeld where Peterman mentions that he probably has a coupon for plant food, and I think to myself "Oh shit, how fucking embarrassing. Here you go, here's my coupon for THIRTY FUCKING CENTS savings!". No way. I can't explain it, I'd just never use them.
It also bothers the hell out of me when people are at a store, want something, and say "Oh, we should check out suchandsuch, I bet they have it for a few dollars cheaper". Yes, let's drive for another 10 miles or so to another store, waste gas, oil, wear & tear on a car, not to mention half n hour to 45 minutes of our time, just to see if we can save $2. I'll never get that mentality.
I was a pretty hard drinker from ages 17-23 and was evicted from all manner of bars, clubs, restaurants, and parties because of that.
ReplyDeleteAs for what I've witnessed.. I dunno, plenty of dumb shit. I've walked in on multiple couples doing the dirty. One time my younger brother came home partying and one of his friends was drilling some girl right in the middle of the hallway and I just stepped over them on my way to the kitchen and back.
For a little while I worked with a friend in this warehouse and he had a shart in the morning and no change of clothes. He got called stinky for the duration of his career there.
A couple of weeks ago my Uncle in Law, who is brand new to the internet and trying out Facebook for the first time, "liked" a blog called "18 gay boy blog" and the picture that posted was of a lithe young fellow, naked as a jaybird and trying to take your eye out. He didn't realize that "likes" reposted to friend's walls. He'd never come out before that.
A friend of mine decided to wing his speech at his own wedding. Drunk as a skunk he started it with "Honey, you know that before you I was with a lot of girls.." and then he got a little lost so continued: "like, a lot. Lot's and lot's of other girls. But you're my favourite." and that was the whole speech.
A friend of my Mom's got involved with a man who seemed more or less normal, but then started to crack one day. Over the course of about 2 weeks he went from not particularly religious, at least not to anyone's knowledge, to losing his shit because he saw an interview on CNN with a Spanish guy named Jesus who was talking about gold futures, and he started going on about how only the lord God knew the future. By the end of the week he was having ceremonies to exercise demons from the apartment, and it all culminated with a stark naked march down the biggest street in town at 3am playing a trumpet and leading the true believers into the arms of God. She had him involuntarily committed after that.
Lucky son of a bitch!
ReplyDeleteIf they ever invent a time-travel-body-switching machine, you and I need to talk.
When I was 12 I had to fart, so I did what all 12 year old boys do when they need to fart - I got my friends to huddle around to hear and smell it. Naturally, with about 10 people watching me, I shit my pants. It was about 5 minutes before the end of the day, so that wasn't so bad - but I did have to sit on the bus with wet shit in my joggers while tying to deny it.
ReplyDeleteMy roommate and I used to prank a guy we went to school with. It's a long story but mostly hilarious how the pranks escalated from realistic to just completely over the top and he didn't suspect us - when he left us on his doorstep to finish drinking and woke up to a steaming pile of rum and beer shit he became suspicious of our motivations.
Shitting stories are always the funniest.
ReplyDeleteYour experience is definitely not equal to mine. Dated nothing but Asians and then married by far by far by far the best woman ever, who also (surprise surprise) was Asian. All of them knew that I had a preference, never seemed to bother anyone...
ReplyDeleteTrust me man, you werent missing much with a high school Kelly Divine. Very average looking, with a slightly big ass. She was kinda chubby back then.
ReplyDeleteI bet YOU'RE causing a ton of embarrassment with your abuse of the your/you're rules. Put that in your pipe.
ReplyDeleteStranger, you are a welcome addition to this blog.
ReplyDeleteHaha, the I one work your uncle in law is the funniest you posted. What a way to come out.
ReplyDeleteIts also embarrassing to me when people do comedians (or wrestlers) bits.
ReplyDeleteShitting yourself stories are the greatest.
ReplyDeleteWe have a new contender for champ, people. Those last three stories...wow.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're embarrassed.
ReplyDeleteWow thats nasty whore...in a good way
ReplyDeleteWhat about when comedians do bit about wrestlers?
ReplyDeleteBoy, is it just me or has it been a while since you've heard anyone raven' about one of Scott Levy's matches?
What did Ryback say while he was watching the last ROH iPPV? "Feed no more, feed no more."
What's is it called when Vince stops shoving his top star up the WWE universe's collective rectum? A Cena-colonic.
Yeah the Asian girl sounds like a real cuntbeast and your friend was better off.
ReplyDeleteAs for me... there have been a variety of moments but none stand out that much... most of them were before I quit drinking so I don't really remember them... exciting addition to the post I know.
More please.
ReplyDeleteAll I know is if I can have two Whoppers for the price of one and all I have to do to make this happen is hand a slip of glossy paper to a teenager, I'm going to do it. And if that makes my date think less of me, then she can just get out of the car and walk home.
ReplyDeleteMmm, this is distressing. I thought that perhaps I could just date her until she became smoking hot like she is now, but I've read her twitter account, and some interviews, she doesn't have the personality to keep me. So, I'd end up dumping her, and then there'd be no Kelly Divine porn.
ReplyDeleteI suppose things are best as they are. Now, Phoenix Marie, that'd be a different story...
Two woppers? That's not a wise purchase if they're giving them away
ReplyDeleteThere used to be one on the campus of Univ of Rhode Island
ReplyDeleteI always enjoyed the word "mongoloid"
ReplyDeleteWhat did Vince say to RVD when Mr. Monday Night asked for a program with Dolph Ziggler?
ReplyDelete"Dude, you're getting a Del Rio feud."
I don't think you meant to reply to me. I was replying to Jobber and am in the pro-coupon camp.
ReplyDeleteThat's weird, totally meant that for Jobber123, but it looks like he got it. What I would really like is for an extreme couponer to enter this fray.
ReplyDeleteIs using your store club/savings/value/whatever... card permissible? Because those have supplanted coupons in some respects yet you'd be insane to not take advantage of such savings?
ReplyDeleteLike how can a girl break up withyou over some shit ssomeone else said. I imagine old Steve at least acted offended, and what more was he supposed to do? Fight the guy? Fuck that. Who drops the gloves over a dumb comment from a drunk. I kinda hate this bitch and I only read about her in an antidote
ReplyDeleteAnother personal fave:
ReplyDeleteWhen we were around 18ish a friend of mine had relations with an absolute beluga whale in a small town a few miles from where we lived. Like, I've been with some heavies in my day, and so has he, and that's all good, but this girl was outrageous and he was not proud of himself.
A few weeks later we were in that same town and he was driving my van and took it into this construction area that was just a huge mud pit because it was the middle of winter and we'd had a warm spell and everything had melted. He wanted to do some donuts and whatever, but got absolutely buried in mud. You've never seen a van so buried. We got stuck. Very, very stuck.
We tried for HOURS to get it out. We had, at one point, 5 guys with shovels, and throwing down sand and gravel to try and get some traction, we threw down a big chunk of carpet that we found but as soon as we got off of it we were stuck again. We called a tow truck, and the tow truck got stuck too, not even as far in as we were, and had to call another tow truck. That was the owner of the tow truck company and he said that there was nothing that he could do for us and best of luck.
Anyhoo. We're sitting in this coffee shop after hours of this, waiting for a ride to bring us home, and covered head to toe in mud. My friend is pretty seriously down at this point as he's trying to figure out how to get my van out of the mud, and how much it will cost his unemployed ass. I notice that there is a table of hot looking girls looking at us and giggling. Ok, fair enough, we're covered in mud.
One of them comes over to us after a few minutes and says to him "is it true that you're the guy who fucked [tubby]? What was that like? Trying to fuck a waterbed?" And at this point it becomes apparent that basically the entire coffee shop full of people (it was the local hangout for the under 20 set), including the staff behind the counter, is paying attention to this and are all laughing at him.
I thought that he was going to die.
I've got a Ralph's card. But your not saving any money, they are just over charging you unless you supply them with all your info to sell. That's one reason why I try only shop at co-ops if possible
ReplyDeleteHow about a store where if you get a membership card, you get a percentage of cash back that you can re-use. For example, Sports Authority has a 3 or 5% kickback that gets e-mailed to you in the form of a $value coupon. Sometimes, I get as much as $15 off my next purchase.
ReplyDeleteWhere do those rank?
I'll give any kind of membership or rewards card a pass. I use one at men's warehouse and have that amazon thing too. I'm defining coupon as something circulated to anyone whether they go in or not, can be removed or clipped, and only discounts that transaction
ReplyDeleteIf it's anything I don't like....it's a cuntbeast. A visual reminds me of the Sarlacc from Jedi. You may as well hump a Venus flytrap.
ReplyDeleteThread jack:
ReplyDeleteCena is #1 on the pwi 500 again
well thats embarrassing
ReplyDeleteYou have thought way too much about this.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait until he gets to Kansas and those Westboro losers picket
ReplyDeleteyour friend sounds like an absolute douche.
ReplyDeleteWhere the heck do you shop that it takes 10 minutes to process a coupon? I've seen people ahead of me with a handful of coupons, and unless something goes wrong or the cashier is brand new and doesn't know how to ring them through, it still only takes a couple minutes, at the absolute maximum. Even if it takes a bit, I'm not impatient--they're just trying to save money, like the rest of us. No harm done.
ReplyDeleteBecause he had sex with a big girl? Or because he got a van stuck in some mud?
ReplyDeleteNeither one is really all that bad... And he got the van out the next day. He hired a really big tractor.
I've waited an extra 3 or 4 minutes dozens of times for some coupon clipping dick to get rung up. I hate it, and I won't subject others too it so I can save a 5
ReplyDeleteHaha. He should have stood up and taken a bow and said something obnoxious like "it's all pink on the inside"
ReplyDeleteIMO you let your buddy down by not fucking here too
ReplyDeleteJoined a fraternity that shall remain nameless in college so as you can imagine I've seen other people pull some ridiculous stuff. But telling stories about other people isn't as fun as telling one about yourself.
ReplyDeleteSo during Greek Week we played something called "sloshball" which is more or less kickball except with stunning amounts of alcohol. You have to be holding a cup at all times and the alcohol content goes up every inning (1st inning crappy beer, 2nd inning decent beer, 3rd inning wine, 4th inning mixed drinks etc). I don't know how many innings a game lasts because as a lightweight I never made it through an entire game.
(you know where this is going, don't get ahead of me)
So a game is going on and I'm beyond trashed but hey I gotta represent for my brothers so I keep going. It's my inning to pitch so instead of "taking one off" (walking around by the bushes to blow chunks) I sacked up and went out there against my better judgment.
So I don't remember the exact situation but I'm chasing someone down when "the feeling" hits. Panicked I start to run off the field, directly into the path of a girl one of my brothers was either boning or attempting to bone. No boning would happen on this night because I projectile vomited more or less right at her face. Stunned, she slapped me and I went down like a pro wrestling ref, unable to get up and leaking puke all over myself. I remember very little about the rest of this fine afternoon but every time I asked someone about it they laughed in my face for no fewer than 5 minutes. Eventually I just quit asking.
I don't even care, I lived in San Diego, I got the Reader and Pennysaver every week and I was THAT GUY who wouldn't eat at a place unless I had a coupon. If I'm not saving $3 on my meal of $40 it's just not worth it to me.
ReplyDeleteI can see how people would be embarrassed but I'm ethnically cheap (Mexican) so I do not care at all. I'm saving me that $3.
That's fucking great! Gotta give you some props for sacking up and attempting to go out to pitch. I like a guy who at least tries to hold it together, but sometimes shit happens.
ReplyDeleteOnce at a house show, I screwed everything up by saying "Ooos" when I should have said "Oh".
ReplyDeleteI love these stories of shitting your pants. I don't know if any of you guys have seen this clip but George Brett (hof baseball player) telling a hysterical 3 minute story about shitting hispants
ReplyDeleteHaha. That is GREAT. On a podcast I heard Kevin Kelly tell a phenomenal Vince story about him shitting himself ive told on him before. Happens to the best of us.
ReplyDeleteYou kissed her while holding the shitty toilet paper?
ReplyDeleteNo, tossed the tp on the ground. I dont mind much but holding shitty toilet paper is a little much.
ReplyDeleteOK, great story.
ReplyDeleteThe most embarrassing moment I've caused was when I impersonated a sort of dickhead sort of friend and proceeded to use some of the most brutal pickup lines and attribute them to him, like "Hey ladies, free dick ride for two?" or "Pursuant to Megan's Law, I'm obligated to tell you I am a convicted sex offender." or "Hi, lets just skip the pleasantries and get straight to the part where you call me Donovan McNabb and blow me in my truck." I think I stole them all from Tucker Max, but as Scott once said, its always awesome to have a fresh audience for your material.
ReplyDelete...wow
ReplyDeleteI find myself agreeing with Jobber on this one. Coupons in general are a ripoff anyhow (a decade in retail taught me that), you're better off just doing your shopping at Aldi's or Wal-Mart or Big Lots or whatever. Sure, you'll end up buying a lot of "off-brand" and generic stuff, but that shouldn't matter if the end goal is saving money.
ReplyDeleteWhat I've found, however, is that most people have caviar tastes with a Spam budget: they won't be caught dead shopping at K-Mart or carrying a Marshall's bag, but they'll waltz into Macy's like a big shot and expect to use ONE coupon for twenty items (despite said coupon clearly being marked "one per").
It was stephon marbury not McNabb but that's still fucking brutal. Good stuff
ReplyDeleteNot sure if thats how the joke was supposed to go, but he was/is a huge Eagles fan so I used McNabb.
ReplyDeleteMy bad bro, I thought you were-ttrying to reference this epic truck sex story in your pick up line
ReplyDeletehttp://usatoday30.usatoday.com/sports/basketball/nba/knicks/2007-09-14-lawsuit-pr_N.htm
A little late to the party but let's do this:. In high school, 14/15 and I just recently joined the football team. After about my third practice my legs are killing me, on fire and really weak. So I head into the showers and just as I'm getting to the shower head my legs give out a little and I start going down. A kid a couple of years older than me, bless his soul, tries to catch me but doesn't quite get me. He slips and falls with me. As we land my forehead just smashes into his penis. For a second we laid there completely naked, my head basically in his lap. Everybody starts cracking up, while a couple of other guys help us up. I wanted to die and apologized profusely to the other guy who was taking it well. What was really cool though, was while it became a bit of a running joke in the lockeroom, nobody said anything about it outside of there. I swore it would get around the school and I would be ruined but thankfully it didn't. Still pretty fucking embarrasing though!
ReplyDeleteKristin Chenoweth once told a story about how she shit her dress while mid-performance in "Wicked" on Broadway. She bombed into the backstage at the end of her song, stripped out of her dress to put on the back-up while screaming at an Extra (a Flying Monkey) to help her.
ReplyDeleteNot my most embarrassing, but I'll throw this one out there. My ex is 12 years older than I am, and if you never met me you'd probably think I'm 21, not 31. So we're in this the gas station across the street from where I used to live (I was in there constantly, so they all knew me by name and I even hung out with a couple of them) and the dickhead behind the counter says to me "Who's that, your sister?" I was so pissed off that I didn't even say anything, we just left whatever we was buying on the counter and walked out.
ReplyDeleteAlso, while not really embarrassing, but one of those "I could have done without that shit" moments: Her 9 year old daughter walking in on us while we're having sex.
Most embarrassing situation without a doubt was getting a boner in swimming class when I was 12 (in tight speedo's) when
ReplyDeleteMy friend Steve, from the story, once got a boner in 9th grade gym and had to do pull-ups. No joke.
ReplyDeleteHe told me this story and I asked him "holy shit, what'd you do?" and he says "What do you mean? I fuckin' did'em. I didn't care. I have a big dick". He said everyone was laughing and he even got in trouble with the teacher. He was fearless. I could be built like Dirk Diggler and I'm still not doing boner pull-ups.
Was he trying to be an asshole, or just asking a legit question?
ReplyDeleteHaha, did you guys try and pull the whole "We weren't doing anything" kind of excuse that most parents pull?
Oh man, the Flying Dudley Head-Butt. Brutal.
ReplyDeleteThat's pretty amazing it never got out, man. I mean, shocking. But then again, that's a team right there. It's amazing the comradery that happens.
That's fucking hysterical.
ReplyDeleteMy friend Max, from the story, was kicked out of his frat for being too rowdy. That's how out of control he'd get. HE WAS KICKED OUT OF A FRAT.
He told me a story that's completely innocent, but I always found funny. When he was pledging the place, they had the "pledge deck" where the new guys slept. It was on the 3rd floor of the place. Well, after one night of partying very hard, he goes to bed. He then said he woke up more thirsty than he'd ever been in his entire life. However, the hangover was seeping in, and he couldn't bare the thought of getting out of bed, and walking down 3 flights of stairs to the basement where the water was. So, he kept trying to force himself to go back to sleep. He said everytime he'd fall asleep, he'd dream that he was swimming in ice cold water, and would just let himself drown, so he could drink as much as he wanted. Finally, he was so miserable, he said he started crying, and no joke, tried to drink his tears.
Who the fuck downvoted this? The Sarlacc trainer with the huge gut?
ReplyDeleteAlso, out of curiosity, is your use of "really" and "seriously" a nod to Maddox's most recent update?
ReplyDeleteNope. In fact, I hadn't seen Maddox's page this week. I just went and read it.
ReplyDeletehttp://creepywhiteguys.tumblr.com/
ReplyDeleteLOL, I see I got downvoted by someone who is angry that I dated a lot of women and eventually got married? All right!!! =)
ReplyDeleteI used to hear a lot of shit re: online dating about how basically as a guy, you only needed to be "not a sociopath" to stand out, but I always thought it was exaggerated. Wow, that site proves otherwise. Terrible.
ReplyDeleteNo, he was just being an asshole. And I'm not going into graphic details, but there was no way we could play it off, we were just yelling at her to get out of the room.
ReplyDeleteI've only been on the end of "get out! get out!". I think I'd rather be the one yelling at said person to get out, than being the person told to get out.
ReplyDeleteIf you like his page on facebook, then you see all of his updates when they're posted. Pretty sweet deal.
ReplyDeleteMy friend giving a tearful wedding speech in which he said fuck no less than forty times, then proceeding to face plant off the podium, and then do the robot until he sharted is the best one I've ever seen.
ReplyDeleteEh, I've never been on the other end of that situation, but I definitely don't want that to ever happen again. It would have been one thing if it was my brother (which also happened once and I threw a beer bottle at him. Idiot... though now that he's clean he doesn't do dumb shit like that) or some other adult, but a 9 year old? Fucking hell...
ReplyDeleteno, because "he was not proud of himself". if you think dating a certain person is embarrasing - then DON'T DATE THAT PERSON!
ReplyDeleteand on the other hand nobody deserves that being done to. or how would you feel that a girl that you like and that you have been dating has been ashamed for it for most of the time?
"Dating" is a very strong term for what they did.
ReplyDeleteMore like "one and done." I mean he'd known her for a couple of hours when it all went down.
And I know for a fact that there are girls out there who are not exactly bragging to their friends and colleagues about similar experiences with me. So, how do I feel? Pretty ok. A little tired.
This is life.