The SmarK RAW Rant–08.05.13

The SmarK RAW Rant – 08.05.13

Live from Green Bay, WI

Your hosts are Michael Cole, JBL & Jerry Lawler

Stephanie McMahon joins us to start, introducing a video package of Daniel Bryan’s corporate makeover. So Daniel is out in his new corporate suit, looking like Damien Sandow. Bryan posits that the company really wants another John Cena, but Cena is an entertainer and he’s a wrestler. Emphatically so. So he’ll dress up for them for now, but only until he makes Cena tap out. So this brings Vince out, mocking the suit and deriding his worthiness as champion. But hey, everything with Vince will be fine…as long as he shaves off the beard. And there’s a chair ready and everything. Wade Barrett gets chosen for the honors of the clipping (due to his own immaculately groomed facial hair and barbering lineage), but Bryan suckers him in and then shaves off half of Barrett’s beard instead. So that’s a no on the shaving.

Rob Van Dam v. Alberto Del Rio

Rob gets the monkey flip out of the corner and standing moonsault for two to start. The Miz is on commentary for some reason, in case anyone cares. They fight to the floor and we take a break. Back with RVD hitting a missile dropkick and spinkick for two. Moonsault hits knee, but Ricardo puts the bucket in the corner and ADR gets sent into it and pinned at 6:35. I’m still surprised they didn’t run with this as the Summerslam match. Match was fine, although most of it took place during the break. ** Poor Ricardo gets abused and left for dead for his transgressions, which would appear to be the end of their relationship.

Cody Rhodes is out to return Sandow’s rightful briefcase after another lengthy video package, and they brawl to a dead crowd. This Cody face turn is dying fast.

Ryback v. Mark Henry

Henry overpowers him, but Ryback slugs away and then bails when Henry fights back. And he walks out at 1:41. They sure do love that finish, don’t they? DUD

Meanwhile, The Bellas get all catty with Nattie.

John Cena is out to offer his rebuttal to Daniel Bryan, because gosh-darnit he just loves WWE so much. He gives an impassioned promo, to which the crowd gives him a “boring” chant. This brings out Randy Orton to remind us that he has the briefcase, and then the Shield attacks for some reason, and Daniel Bryan saves, and we have a six-man main event.

Brodus Clay & Tensai v. The Wyatt Family

Tensai smacks Luke Harper around, but gets double-teamed and splashed by Rowan for the pin at 1:18. After Bray Wyatt accidentally cues Sportsnet into going to commercial early with his blackout gimmick, Kane pops up to inform us that the ring will be on fire at Summerslam or something. Gotta say, we’ve seen “Kane goes soft and then has to find his inner monster again” as a storyline something like a dozen times already now.

Kaitlyn v. Layla

So Layla turned heel for some reason on Smackdown. She survives a spear and comes back with a DDT for two, but Kaitlyn fights back with the backbreaker and a Pounce. Gutbuster sets up the spear, but AJ skips out, and Kaitlyn gets distracted so that Layla can finish with the high kick at 3:00. So this feud apparently must continue. ½*

Christian v. Heath Slater

Christian quickly gets cornered by 3MB, allowing Slater to take over. Christian comes back with the sunset flip for two, and finishes with a spear at 3:15. This was fine. **

CM Punk v. Curtis Axel

Axel attacks on the floor, but Punk works on the leg and clotheslines him to the floor. Punk follows with a dive and we take a break. Back with Axel getting two off a clothesline and dropping an elbow for two. Axel works a headlock and gets another clothesline for two, but Punk comes back with a crossbody. They brawl outside as Axel takes over again and the boring chant starts, but Punk finally makes the comeback for real. He goes up and gets crotched, and Axel gets a neckbreaker for two. And then Punk goes after Heyman for a random DQ at 11:18. ** Brock Lesnar comes out to protect his manager, but this time Punk is ready for him. They have a GREAT heated brawl and Punk escapes the F5, but goes after Heyman again and a second one puts him down. Heyman directs Brock to “hurt him”, so he does. Now there’s someone who can take direction. This finally woke up the crowd.

Fandango v. Kofi Kingston

New long tights for Kofi tonight. Fandango quickly takes over and gets two off a short clothesline, and a butt-butt gets two. Kneedrop misses and Kofi comes back with the boomdrop, prompting Fandango to bail. He gets a rollup for two and goes up, but misses and Kofi gets a bodypress for two. Trouble in Paradise finishes at 3:42. Nice little match. **1/4

The Usos v. The Real Americans

One of the Usos gets trapped in the American corner and double-teamed in impressive fashion, but comes back with an enzuigiri and makes the hot tag to Jey. He hits Cesaro with Cheeks of Fire and superkicks him for two, but Swagger gets a cheapshot and the Neutralizer finishes at 4:50. Crowd wasn’t much into it, but they’re not into much tonight. **

Dolph Ziggler v. Big E Langston

We’ll see how they get themselves out of this one. Langston quickly overpowers Dolph and knocks him out of the ring, and back in for two. Big E misses a charge and Ziggler comes back with a neckbreaker for two. Big E gets a backbreaker for two, but the Warrior splash misses and Dolph hits a fameasser for two. And now Kaitlyn joins us for the brawl with AJ, which allows Big E to finish at 4:12. Man, poor Dolph. *1/2 And what’s with the ref letting the chicks fight in the ring with no DQ when Punk got DQ’d for just touching Heyman earlier?

The Shield v. Daniel Bryan, John Cena & Randy Orton

This doesn’t even START until the three-hour mark of the show! The faces work Rollins over and then Bryan comes in as the corporate face-in-peril, but comes back with the Yes-Lock on Ambrose before the other Shield members come in for the DQ at 5:20. Nothing to this. *1/2 Orton lays out both Cena and Bryan with RKOs and threatens to cash in, but the Shield returns to prevent it and we get another brawl to end things.

The Pulse

Kind of a boring show with ridiculously bad finishes all over the place, as usual. It feels like they’ve got everything set for Summerslam and just don’t know what to do with the last couple of weeks beforehand. Punk-Lesnar was GREAT and well worth tracking down, though.