The SmarK RAW Rant – 12.02.13
I’m gonna take a shot at doing some Top 10 type articles for Whatculture.com, since they’re not terribly worried about reliability or punctuality, which makes me the perfect person!
Live from Oklahoma City, OK
Your hosts are Michael Cole, JBL & Jerry Lawler
Poor Dolph Ziggler has been reduced to turning the “RAW on Hulu Plus” intros into a little character skit. He sends his girlfriend off to watch RAW while he dates her blonde friend, you see!
CM Punk joins us to start, trying to figure out why the Shield attacked him. He thinks perhaps that HHH had something to do with it for Punk daring to criticize him last week, and that would be a bad idea if true. This brings out Stephanie, who denies all accusations and brings out Libertarian Kane, who declares the issue resolved in the most patronizing manner possible. Punk invites him to fight instead, but the Shield comes out, and Kane books Punk against all three Shield at the PPV. I’m glad they’re finally giving Punk something to sink his teeth into, at least.
Michael Cole GUARANTEES that one man will walk out with both titles at the PPV, honest, no lying, we will not screw you over this time. Honest.
Damien Sandow v. Dolph Ziggler
The winner of this is the #1 contender to the IC title, which I suppose is slightly better than actually being champion and losing every match. It’s the RUBBER MATCH. Ziggler gets a couple of quick rollups and puts Sandow on the floor, but charges and hits the stairs. Back in, Sandow gets two. The ELBOW OF DISDAIN gets two. Moonsault misses and Ziggler gets a DDT for two. Neckbreaker gets two. JBL completely buries Ziggler’s pair of World title reigns for no reason I understand, and the fameasser gets two. Ziggler goes up, but Sandow brings him down and pins him clean with the full nelson slam at 4:00. Just a match, as Ziggler’s rapid descent continues. *
Natalya & The Bella Twins v. AJ Lee, Summer Rae & Tamina, Daughter of Jimmy Snuka.
AJ just skips around the ring, leaving Tamina to fend for herself. Team AJ still manages to get the heat on Brie, and we get some pretty terrible stuff with Summer and Brie. Nattie gets the hot tag, but misses a charge and AJ finally tags in, allowing Nattie to roll her up and pin her at 4:33. * Hulu made me an implied promise not to show me these shitty Divas matches and I feel betrayed by them.
Bad News Barrett joins us at ringside, to inform the crowd that they’re a bunch of hillbillies. Well, I think that after one try we’ve given this repackaging all the time it deserves, and it’s back to the drawing board hopefully.
Next week: Vote now for Insult of the Year! If “Asking fans to pay $60 for Battleground” isn’t the winner, WE RIOT.
Daniel Bryan v. Erick Rowan
Thankfully, Bryan’s condition has been upgraded from “missing” to “back with no explanation”. So that’s good. Bryan throws kicks in the corner, but gets beat down and slammed. Bryan fights him into the Yes-Lock, but Rowan makes the ropes and puts Bryan down again. They head out and Rowan sends him into the railing as we take a break. Back with Bryan fighting out of the chinlock and making the comeback with a missile dropkick, and a rollup off a powerbomb attempt gets the pin at 12:42. Good underdog win, although I wish they’d put Bryan with guys who can work his style again. **1/2
Meanwhile, Kane and Daniel Bryan have a reunion backstage, which results in Bryan getting booked against the Wyatts at the PPV.
Big Show & The Rhodes Brothers v. The Shield
Show beats on Shield members by himself and drops an elbow on Rollins for two. Roman Reigns comes in and gets nowhere, and it’s over to Cody for a front suplex on Rollins that gets two. Cody is looking very orange this week. He gets caught in the Shield corner, but hits Ambrose with a moonsault that gets two. A trip to the post turns the tide, however, and we take a break. Back with Cody getting the heat and coming back for the hot tag to Big Show. He quickly hits the floor and Rollins takes over on him with kicks, and Reigns gets a clothesline for two. Ambrose goes to the chinlock, but Show comes back with a chokeslam on Reigns and makes the hot tag to Goldust. Spinebuster on Reigns gets two, and he gets the powerslam on Rollins. Reigns spears Show on the floor to get rid of him, however, leaving Goldust alone. He superplexes Ambrose, but Rollins sneaks up with a rollup off the impact and gets the pin at 22:23. The creative team is probably like “Eh, we’ve got 30 minutes to kill, let’s throw these guys out for a great match.” ***1/2
Mark Henry v. Fandango
Summer Rae is a trooper, doing double duty here after a grueling Divas match earlier. Remember a few months ago when Fandango was the viral sensation that WWE was going to ride all the way to the top of social media? Henry destroys him, but Fandango comes back with a dropkick to the knee for two. Flying bodypress gets two, but Henry kills him with the slam at 3:20. DUD
EPIC MAIN EVENT CONTRACT SIGNING
Man, they love their contract signings, don’t they? Lawler is already promising the “greatest match in history”. That’s kind of a big promise. HHH recaps all the fake history of the World title and points out that this isn’t a decision that they made on the spur of the moment (BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) , even though they didn’t even have a NAME for the new belt picked out yet. HHH tries to sell this as a once in a lifetime deal, and then Cena immediately points that they’ve had tons of matches and years of history. Things get HEATED over which of the multiple-time World champions is the least-deserving multiple-time World champion, and it leads to a brawl that is won by Cena.
Another placeholder show as I wish they’d hurry the hell up and get to the Rumble already. The Shield and Goldust continue to be collectively awesome, but there’s just nothing going on right now for anyone to care about.