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BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE

BoD RAW is short-handed this week as half of the roster is doing promotional work in Vegas for next week's show.

BoD World Heavweight Champion Cultstatus heads out to the ring. He holds his belt over his shoulder as he is about to address the crowd but Parallax1978 comes out and interrupts. Parallax wants to let Cultstatus know that he is the real number one contender, not some chump with a briefcase. It should be known that Jef Vinson is in Vegas for his weigh-in against John Petuka as they will have a boxing match next week. Cultstatus laughs at Parallax and says he should come into the ring and stand on a stepladder so he can say it to his face. Parallax gets pissed then refers to Cult as a contrarian after saying its know wonder he loves 1993 WWE as he draws about as well as they do. This goes on for a minute until GM Bayless comes out. He says that the rules are as stand, which state that the Money on the Table winner gets a shot at the title whenever he chooses. He also says that at BoD SummerSlam, Parallax will get his shot at the title, by competing against Jobber123 and The Fuj in a number one contender's match. Parallax does not seem happy about having to compete in this match in order to get a title shot.


David Bonzai Saldana Montgomery vs Night81

This is the second match in a Best of 5. Winner gets a shot at the BoD C-List Title, which will be held by Mikey Mike once his UPS package arrives. The two lockup and go into some smooth chain wrestling, showing ability above that of your average C-Lister. Night81 wins the battle with a Blood-like arm drag, and goes into a Surfboard Stretch, but DBSM works the wrist free and takes over into a Buffalo Wing Sleeperhold. Night counters with elbows, DBSM catches the elbow and tries a jyudo throw, only for that throw to be reversed into a deep hip toss that sends DBSM rolling to the outside. The crowd is obligated to applaud even though they're a bunch of casuals who don't give a fuck about the finer points of wrasslin or a couple of lower midcarders. Goddamned marks. The two go into a dynamic exchange of moves, hampered by lack of overness. Running Bulldog on DBSM! 1....2....NO! Clinching Slam to Night! 1....2....NO! Twisting Face Crusher to DBSM! 1....2....NO! Rib and Back Breaker to Night! 1....2....NO! Night tries a Blue Thunder Bomb, but DBSM reverses out of it, looking for a big German Suplex, only for Night to elbow out of it and hit a Belly-to Back Belly Side Back Suplex! I hope that terminology is right. Night then picks up DBSM, and delivers him crotch first onto the turnbuckle with a Running Atomic Toss! Night Rider(Reverse Frankensteiner) lands successfully! 1....2....3! Night ties the series 1 apiece!


The BoD Medical team is backstage evaluating Mar Solo. They will now determine once and for all if the Unstable are in fact out of his head and if so, can he have a cup of coffee. The medical staff huddle as they try to determine a final diagnosis. They break and approach Mar Solo. Lead BoD doctor, Miss Diagnosis, tells Mar Solo that after the intensive battery of tests performed, the Unstable are not inside of his head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And better yet, he is able to drink coffee. Mar Solo is happy as he approaches the break room towards the coffee pot with the camera following him. He runs into the New Age British Bulldogs, Mick, and MattIndeed as they start clapping as he is one step closer to some tasty java. Mar takes a non biodegradable Styrofoam cup and begins to pour it out but from behind comes Aric Johnson and he knocks down our coffee deprived friend. Aric has had a vendetta against anyone who scalds coffee and had been seen at the local Tim Horton’s slapping around employees and demanding improvement with their baked goods department. Aric smashes the coffee machine against the floor as Mar Solo is left in a sea of coffee grounds and shame. WILL THIS MAN EVER GET HIS CUP OF COFFEE


BoD Solid B+ Player Championship Match
Beard Money vs. Hart Killer 09 (Champion)

And Granny is here with Beard Money today! HA HA HA HA GIT DOWN GRANNY!!!!!!! Beard Money is doing with do-si-do with Granny!!!!! HA HA HA, THE HILLBILLY AND GERIATRIC ARE GITTIN’ DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh come on, Hart Killer ambushes Beard Money from behind. He stomps a mudhole into Beard Money while he yells at Granny, rating her satchel a 3/10. Beard Money reverses an Irish whip and comes back with a clothesline. Hart Killer charges and Beard Money backdrops him to the floor then does a cartwheel that pumps up the crowd. And Granny comes over and bops Hart Killer on the head with her satchel!!!!! HA HA HA HA GIT DOWN GRANDMA!!!!!!!!!!! Hart Killer yells at Beard Money from the outside but from behind comes PrimeTime Ten and he destroys Beard Money!!!!! PrimeTime then brings a bucket to the ring. Oh my, THAT IS A SLOP BUCKET!!!!!!!!!!! PrimeTime picks it up and slops Beard Money!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS FEUD WILL CONTINUE


The Midcard Mafia is in their locker room, discussing strategy for their six man tag. Suddenly, Bret bursts in, and informs the Midcard Mafia that he'll give them a pass for helping him out last week. However, Bret wants Gary, and if the Midcard Mafia want to fight, they need to focus on the other two and leave Gary to Bret, otherwise they taste a Burning Lariat to the face. Bret then leaves, as the Midcard Mafia's carefully laid plans go to ruin! Guess they better start over. Extant excuses himself for a piss break. The camera follows him around, almost as if they know whats coming.......AND STACKHOUSE ATTACKS OUT OF NOWHERE! BARBED WIRE CROWBAR TO THE FACE! AND THE HEAD! AND THE SPINE! Extant is bleeding buckets! Archie then takes off, having accomplished......quite a lot actually, as the EMTs arrive on the scene. This could be serious! Extant will need some get-well cards after that.



Archie Stackhouse vs DanimalCrossing

Unfortunately, you, the audience, were bait and switched out of seeing the Prince of Nigeria wrestle Archie Stackhouse because the Prince had passport issues stemming from a couple unfortunate incidents involving credit card fraud, so we at the BoD will heavily consider wishing him the best of luck in his future endeavours. That may or may not constitute a firing. Archie Stackhouse is still here though, as his replacement opponent DanimalCrossing comes out. Danimal has used a rigourous dieting and trampoline jumping training method, and hes in the best shape of his career for this one. Of course, he'll be buried, but the thought was nice. Archie slaps Danimal in the face to start, egging him on. Danimal tries strikes, but Archie laughingly picks him apart and uses a barrage of forearms with equal parts skill and savagery. Archie then slaps Danimal a second time and asks for more. Danimal obliges, using the turnbuckles and ropes as virtual platforms to launch himself at Archie with high velocity. Triangle Dropkick! 1...NO! Triangle Enizuigiri! 1...NO! Springboard Back Elbow! 1...NO! Lionsault Press! 1....2..NO! That one worked a little. Danimal then heads up for the Daredevil Drop(Top Rope Leg Lariat), but misses and lands hard on the canvas! Archie resumes the offensive like nothing happened. Switchblade Kiss(Running Enzuigiri)! Riverdale Welcome(Top Rope Knee Strike) to the nose of Danimal! Danimal is woozy, as Archie goes for the win with the Burning Hammer, but shakes his head no, grins at the camera, then drops Danimal to his fee-NECK CRANK! Holy FUCK! 1....2.....3! Archie takes it!



AFter the match, Stackhouse adds a Burning Hammer and several crowbar shots to the head of the fallen Danimal for emphasis! Stackhouse then walks down the ramp, but instantly White Coat Security and various C-Listers flood the walkway, as Cooltrainer Bret enters for his six man tag. Theres a tense moment, as only fork attacked Security and low-end jobbers separate the two from committing felony assault on one another, but Bret looks away, lightly waving to Stackhouse. Stackhouse grins a death head's grin and licks blood off his crowbar. THIS FEUD IS CONTINUING.


GM Bayless is in the ring. He brings out the "Gimmick Wheel" which will be featured next week when BoD RAW goes to Vegas. Performers who need gimmicks will have a chance to spin the wheel. Here are the choices:

Racial Stereotype
BoD NXT Name Generator
Racial Stereotype with "Lil'" added to the name
GM's Choice
Mack the Evil Trucker
BoD NXT Name Generator
RIPSHIT
GM's Choice
Saul Gout, Evil Podiatrist



Wade Michael Meltzer is at the airport heading to New Zealand to check in on YJ2310, who is training at the famed Tony Garea Dungeon. He packed the last six years of G1 shows and all of the Marmaduke comics for the long plane ride. Next week, Wade should be in New Zealand.


Nick Piers/Nebb28/Cooltrainer Bret vs Rock Star Gary/Garth Holmberg/Bill Ray

Nick the Brick starts with Garth Holmberg. Holmberg tries the same ineffective offense on Piers that he used in the last match, but you know thats not gonna take. PIERS IS A WALL, BABEE! Holmberg goes for a Bleach Solution(Springboard Ruff Ryder), but changes at the last second to a dropkick! Piers slaps it down nonetheless. Holmberg wants out, so in comes Ray, whos screaming for Bret to come out. Bret covers his ears. Ray goes to attack him, but Piers blocks him with one sturdy hand and throws him into the corner, battering him with forearms and punches, thrown with the confidence of a man who is a wall and knows it. Finally, Ray manages to back off Piers with an eye gouge, then goes right to the knee with a basement dropkick! Piers shrugs it off, and grabs Ray by the throat, throwing him into the corner, where Gary tags in. Bret screams for a tag, but Piers ignores him and goes to work on Gary. Gary gets in a couple basement dropkicks, but is ragdolled and paperdolled by Piers. LIKE A WALL. Finally, Holmberg gets the tag and goes back to the basement dropkicks....and one finally works! Piers is reduced to one knee and takes a heavy beating from Bayless Security, as they rotate in and out while working on the knee. Will the wall collapse? OF COURSE NOT! HES A BABYFACE IN A TAG MATCH! Piers guts it out, slaps down Holmberg, and makes the hot tag to Bret! Bret goes to town on Gary, working the clinch with Muay Thai strikes for maximum advantage. Bus Driver Uppercut! Exploding Gutbuster! German Side Slam! 1....2....NO! Gary kicks out. Bret whips Gary into the ropes...BURNING LARIAT! GARY HAS BEEN COMPLETELY DESTROYED, but he was blind tagged by Bill! Bill comes in looking for a fight, but his running charge eats corner and Bret tags out to Nebb, seeing no point in fighting someone that isn't Archie or a vanilla writer. Bill takes exception, tags in Garth, and runs to take out Bret! They brawl up the rampway, with Ray doing everything in his power to take down the man who attacked Gary. Bret tries calmly picking apart Bill with Muay Thai shots, but it doesn't work! Bill takes the fight to Bret, throwing him into the crowd control barriers! Bill goes for the kill.....but forgot about the fork! Bill is gouged repeatedly as the brawl heads to the back! This leaves Garth and Nebb legal in the ring. Nebb reduces Garth to one knee, and goes for the Rocker Dropper, which put Garth through a production case on Battleground, but Garth reverses, and goes for Gary's signature White Line(Sleeperhold Neckbreaker), but Nebb kicks Garth in the knee, drops him with some elbows, runs smoothly off the ropes, and gets the Rocker Dropper on the second try! Piers collapses on Gary to prevent him making the save! 1....2.....3! Nebb's team takes the victory!


Now, we are shown via satelitte the weigh-in between John Petuka and Jef Vinson. They are accompanied by kbjone and Devin Harris. Here is what they have to say:

Petuka: Listen Vinson, there is no easy way out. There are no shortcuts home. (kbjone laughs in the background)
Vinson: That's cute, you watched Rocky IV today. 
Petuka: I know what you are but what am I?
Vinson: A moron?
Petuka: You know, you are like a stranger in a no named town. I must break you. (kbjone laughs some more)
Vinson: Well, after I hit you so hard that you see three of me in the ring, hit the one in the middle. That is my advice to you
Petuka: I have been training with Manny Pacquiao so you will not be the on getting the best of me. 
Vinson: Figures you'd model yourself after a Filipina bitch

(Petuka gets pissed as these two go face-to-face then start shoving each other. kbjone and Harris get involved as we have a brawl on the stage. Next week in Vegas, Petuka vs. Vinson!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Comments

  1. That's right, DBSM! That's payback for that cheap backslide win last week! I learned that move from the 15 minute window that juventud guerrera spends clothed and sober! You know how hard it is to get that freakazoid to teach you stuff?!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Start working at home with Google: I make $62 /hr on internet . I has been without a job for nine months but last month my pay was $10500 just working on the laptop for a few hours.

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    ReplyDelete
  3. Come meet theberzerker1 and Curtis Williams at the HUSS table, Vegas Convention Center Saturday night 4-8PM!


    And don't forget to enter the promo code HUSS for 10% off your next purchase on rspwfaw.net!


    ...


    HUSS!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Stranger in the AlpsJuly 28, 2014 at 8:41 PM

    This had the feel of a taped-two-weeks-in-advance Christmas break episode.


    Too much filler, not enough Stranger.


    Greatest BoD Writers Champion of all of the times!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Charismatic eNegro Jef VinsonJuly 28, 2014 at 8:42 PM

    Dude, you're the ONLY BoD Writers Champion of all of the times!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I literally laughed out loud at "Miss Diagnosis".

    ReplyDelete
  7. The big show is BoD RAW does Vegas next week

    ReplyDelete
  8. Magoonie NOT Teddy BelmontJuly 28, 2014 at 8:46 PM

    "The following takes place on Tuesday July 22nd 2014"

    Steve "Extant" Ferrari and Nick "The Brick" Piers pull up to an all white house in their Ford Pinto. They both get out and walk up the stairs towards the house. 

    Nick: Do you got it? 

    Steve: Yeah I got it, he also told us to bring the cameraman because "history will be made", whatever that means. 

    They get to the door and knock on it, two eyes look through a peephole. The door then opens. Abeyance is standing there holding the door open. 

    Abeyance: Come in. Welcome to Magoonies house. 

    Steve and Nick walk into the house. "Sister Christian" is blasting from the stereo system. Magoonie is standing in front of his fireplace in his underwear and a silk robe. Abeyance goes to the back of the room, starts to light firecrackers off. POP

    Magoonie: Come in guys. Come in! Glad you could make it! POP

    Nick and Steve sit down on the couch. 

    Magoonie: So you got something for me? POP

    Steve throws a cell phone onto the coffee table.

    Magoonie: Completly untraceable? POP

    Nick: Yeah, it's good shit man! POP

    Magoonie: so...wait..wait...

    Magoonie then starts playing imaginary drums along with the song. POP

    Magoonie: I fucking love that song. So how much? 

    Steve: Fifty bucks man. POP

    Magoonie: Cool, Abeyance pay the man. 

    Abeyance walks over and hands Steve the $50. Magoonie walks over to the bar and chugs an entire can of RC Cola. 

    Magoonie: You want some? POP

    Nick and Steve: No...no..

    Nick: So what do you want with the cell phone anyway? 

    Magoonie: Good question *Magoonie turns off the tape player* You see, I realized a way to beat Bayless! See, he has power over us! But what if he didn't have that power anymore? I plan to take it all away from the poor Mr. Bayless.

    Steve: How are you going to do that man? 

    Magoonie: The three of us are going to call the network that airs BoD RAW, SKN and demand Bayless be ousted! Here, I'll go first, hand me the cell phone! 

    Magoonie gets the cell phone from Nick. Punches in some numbers and puts it to his ear. 

    Magoonie: I would like to make a complaint about the person running the wrestling show on your network! This despicable person mistreats their employees! They run them ragged and beat them down on a regular basis. They also have been known to use illegal immigrants and child labor! I also have it on good authority that Vince Russo works behind the scenes! It is deplorable to work there! And I'm not the only one who thinks so. So I demand you take action immediately! 

    Magoonie hangs up the phone and throws it to Steve. 

    Magoonie: Your turn man. 

    Steve: Eh, ok, worth a shot *Steve looks at the cell phone* Uh, Magoonie...you didn't call SKN...

    Magoonie: What? 
     
    Nick grabs the phone away: Dude, you called Spike TV....

    Magoonie: Huh....well my mistake. No harm done though. It's not like an entire network is going to base any decision on one phone call, right? 

    All three laugh. POP

    Steve: Wait, wasn't that your whole plan to oust Bayless? 

    Magoonie: No..no...my plan consisted on multiple calls....you know what, it was a shitty idea actually. 

    Nick: How bout we just beat the shit out of Bayless and his cronies then? 

    Magoonie: You know what, good plan...good plan. But for now....

    Magoonie goes back to the cassette player and hits play. 

    All three: I wish that I had Jessie's girl! How can I find a women like that! Jessie's girl! 

    POP

    ReplyDelete
  9. *Ominously whistling "The Gambler" from a dark corner*

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hey Jef, let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all weigh-ins, sunshine,
    and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how
    tough you are...it will beat you to your knees and keep you there
    permanently if you let it. You, Devin, nobody is gonna hit as hard as life...or the Petuka Bazooka.

    But it ain't about how hard you can hit, it's about how hard you can
    get hit and keep movin' forward, how much you can take...and keep movin'
    forward. That's how winning is done! And that's how dying is done. One Bazooka after another. After another. Please, keep movin' forward Vinson.

    In the end, kbjone might be letting us all know, "If he dies, he dies."

    ReplyDelete
  11. Stranger in the AlpsJuly 28, 2014 at 8:53 PM

    And I will go down in BoD history as the template.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Someone found himself a nickname

    ReplyDelete
  13. Stranger in the AlpsJuly 28, 2014 at 8:54 PM

    I'm a Petuka mark, I will admit.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Stranger in the AlpsJuly 28, 2014 at 8:55 PM

    I like it.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm going to Atlantic City tomorrow (maybe) so I'm living BoD Raw. Sory of. The low-rent East Coast version of it.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Adam "Colorado" CurryJuly 28, 2014 at 9:11 PM

    Do I actually get booked for once?

    ReplyDelete
  17. Racial Stereotype with "Lil'" added to the name


    laughed like hell at this

    ReplyDelete
  18. "Hey, BeardMoney. Meet slopbucket. But you have three slopbuckets already? Well this one's the great jazz musician! Oh, they all are?! Y'see, country boys today listen to the rap music and that's what gives them the brain damage. WIth their hippin and a hoppin and a bippin and a boppin. So they don't know what the jazz is all about!

    Y'see? Jazz is like Jello Pudding Pop. No. Jazz is more like Kodak Film. No. Jazz is like the new Coke! It'll be around forever. A heh heh heh. I'M PISSED NOW!!"

    *Storms off. Slams and bangs.*

    "And the door's still locked too!"

    ReplyDelete
  19. TM CooltrainerBretJuly 28, 2014 at 9:15 PM

    *golf clap*

    ReplyDelete
  20. Start working at home with Google! It's by-far the<- best job I've had. Last Wednesday I got a brand new BMW since getting a check for $6474 this - 4 weeks past. I began this 8-months ago and immediately was bringing home at least $77 per hour. I work through this link, go to tech tab for work detail[][][

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    ReplyDelete
  21. Great, and thanks for giving me some air time.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Clearly I'm getting Zayn'ed here.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I should have randomly beat the shit out of DBSM again.

    ReplyDelete
  24. TM CooltrainerBretJuly 28, 2014 at 9:19 PM

    *A $100 Google version of an iPod touch undarkens its crappy 0.5 megapixel camera to reveal Cooltrainer Bret, clad in his 3rd alt outfit of a blue jacket with black flames and a black heart. He appears to be chillin like a villain in a black leather office chair in the middle of an open field, while light rainfall occurs all around him. Bret leans back and prepares to speak.*

    "Its cold when you're out here by yourself, isn't it? But then, you wouldn't know that....."

    *Bret chuckles lightly*

    "Yknow, Bill Ray, I can give Archie at minimum some credit for being good enough to stand up to me alone. You guise seem to have chosen to help him, instead of Archie asking for it. But with you.....I just get this distinct feeling that if Gary and Garth didn't have your back you wouldn't want to face me....."

    "No, you aren't a vanilla writer. But you defend Bayless. You try to block off the rocky road to the top for those with talent. So fine. We will have our day in the ring. Maybe next week, maybe the week after, but the result is the same. I'm getting my hand raised, and you're tasting the canvas."

    "And Archie.....congratulations for that impressive win over Danimal Crossing. But don't maintain any false illusions over your fate at SummerFest. You are the most important rung on the ladder leading to the bookerman, and I will ascend over you."

    *Bret stands up*

    "Time for me to catch a flight to Sin City. Oh, and Midcard Mafia? Keep it up. I.......enjoy......your antics, and your willingness despite your quirks to take the fight to Bayless. I wish you best of luck in your future endeavours. I'd wish Bill the same, but as we'll soon see...."

    *Bret leans into the lens*

    "He won't have a future to have endeavours in."

    *White screen. No signal.*

    ReplyDelete
  25. When I return, I better come back in some glorious fashion, possibly coming in riding an Ice Cream Truck, throwing ice cream at Hoss.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Great as usual.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Glad I've been working in NJPW

    ReplyDelete
  28. You are going to shit-beat someone next week. Maybe two guys.

    ReplyDelete
  29. TM CooltrainerBretJuly 28, 2014 at 9:24 PM

    Keep an eye on these two. I'm letting the plot unfold step-by-step through this Best of 5.

    ReplyDelete
  30. You might get a shot at spinning the gimmick wheel next week

    ReplyDelete
  31. I have a skit planned where Curtzerker visits the Blackjack Table

    ReplyDelete
  32. Magoonie NOT Teddy BelmontJuly 28, 2014 at 9:26 PM

    No problem, somebody had to open the door and welcome the guests and it wasn't going to be me.

    Bonus points, the actor in the real scene is Asian.

    ReplyDelete
  33. It's good to be booked. Just a matter of time before I get the rocket strapped to me.

    ReplyDelete

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