The SmarK Rant for WWE Battleground 2014
Live from Tampa, FL
Your hosts are Michael Cole, JBL & Jerry Lawler.
Oh, sorry, you clicked on that link expecting tonight’s PPV rant? Sorry, I meant to say “An old RAW from 1994.” But it’s the same thing, right? A bunch of fake fighting and bad finishes. It’s really your fault for being so sensitive, you marks.
The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 10.31.94
Taped from Burlington, VT
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Randy Savage
Lex Luger v. Mr. Bob Backlund
Lex dares to sweep Bob’s leg a few times and I bet he pays for that. Bob takes Lex down and works on the arm while Vince has the BALLS to accuse Bob Backlund of misusing the English language by throwing out words he doesn’t really understand. Well, NOTWITHSTANDING, Vince, that’s bullshit and Mr. Backlund is a great man and inspiration to us all. Or maybe it’s just because I’m getting closer to his age and starting to feel the same way. Bob with a belly to belly and more working the arm while Tatanka stands in the entrance ominously. We take a break and return with Bob holding a bearhug of all things, but Lex comes back and runs him into the corners, making the dullest babyface comeback of all time. And here’s Tatanka to distract him, which allows Bob to hook the CROSSFACE CHICKENWING before Tatanka comes in for the beatdown and DQ at 11:24. *1/2 Why would a heel bother to screwjob the finish in storyline when Luger was clearly in a position to lose anyway? How stupid is Tatanka? And then Savage nearly saves this whole thing single-handedly by making the save and chasing off Backlund, and Vince is all “He’s not supposed to be in there!” Did Savage lose another retirement match after Wrestlemania X that I’m not aware of?
The Action Zone concept immediately gets flushed down the toilet this week, with a main event of Mabel v. Yokozuna.
The 1-2-3 Kid v. Tony Devito
Did someone perm the Kid’s hair when he was passed out backstage or something? Drugs can make you do some fucked up shit, I guess, and a curled mullet is the least of them. Speaking of hair, is Tony Devito the guy who went on to be a minor star in ECW with Da Baldies? Because he’s got a shitload more hair here. Devito actually overpowers the Kid for a bit, but gets kicked down and suplexed. Spinkick and Lightning legdrop finish at 3:30.
Survivor Series report with Todd. Card looks like shit but I haven’t reviewed it in ages so I might have to go back and do it again when we get to that point in the RAW cycle.
King Kong Bundy v. Bert Centino
They note that Bundy is the “anchor” of the Million Dollar Team, which I assume is in the sense of the big thing that drags everyone else down to his level. Bundy pounds away and finishes with the Avalanche at 2:40.
IRS continues his hard-hitting investigation of the late “John Dough”, and repossesses his flowers to pay the $121 owed. Man, if only there was someone to stand up for the rights of the deceased!
The King’s Court with The Undertaker and Paul Bearer. Blah blah blah Yokozuna casket blah blah blah Chuck Norris blah blah blah rest in peace. I feel like a Chuck Norris cameo today would be a DRASTICALLY different endeavor.
Jim Neidhart v. Tony Roy
Neidhart with his usual array of slams and forearms and the most interesting part of the match is Savage on commentary: “The hardest part of the job is sitting in this chair. I’m tired of sitting.” None so blind as those who will not see, Vince. Anvil finishes with the camel clutch at 4:10.
Meanwhile, Vince interviews Lex Luger in the back about the shoulder injury, but audio problems put the kibosh on it. This show was taped a MONTH before this! They couldn’t have fixed it in post?
Next week: The British Bulldog & Bret Hart v. Owen Hart & Jim Neidhart! OH YEAH!
AW SUNNAVABITCH
ReplyDeleteI think Scott just Punked us.
ReplyDeleteWell done sir....well done.
ReplyDeleteThat intro had me laughing.
ReplyDeleteGoddamn it...hook, line, sinker.
ReplyDeleteBye bye Randy Savage
ReplyDelete"Oh, sorry, you clicked on that link expecting tonight’s PPV rant? Sorry, I meant to say “An old RAW from 1994.” But it’s the same thing, right? A bunch of fake fighting and bad finishes. It’s really your fault for being so sensitive, you marks."
ReplyDeleteDifference is these rants are free, so you can get away with that. All WWE does is rip off the paying customer and then condition fans to believe some pay per views are more important than others.
The Raw needed more matches advertised but not delivered.
ReplyDeleteHA! You really should have a better vetting process when hiring writers for the blog Scott.
ReplyDeleteEveryone bought it! Even Scott's immediate family bought it!
ReplyDeleteWell some PPVs are more important than others honestly. You can't do WM every month.
ReplyDelete"A bunch of fake fighting and bad finishes"
ReplyDeleteIn other words, Vince Russo enjoyed both shows to the highest degree.
It's the conditioning of fans that nothing important will happen at this show, but IT WILL THE NEXT that annoys me more. Nothing of importance happened here. It was a glorified Raw masquerading as something else.
ReplyDeleteHe got us.
ReplyDeleteIT'S THE ULTIMATE SWERVE
ReplyDeleteWHAT?!!?
ReplyDeleteI'm staying out of this clusterfuck. Battleground was slightly above average in my view anyway, not worth arguing over.
ReplyDelete"Next week: The British Bulldog & Bret Hart v. Owen Hart & Jim Neidhart! OH YEAH!"
ReplyDeleteSpoiler alert: The teams start brawling in the locker room, Jack Tunney cancels the match and it's praised as revolutionary booking.
Where are the scheduled appearances by WWE Superstars such as Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose and Cesaro? I know the card is 'subject to change', but at least show the advertised stars. Much as The WWE certainly did at Battleground 2014.
ReplyDeleteThe kayfabe story was that a color commentator couldn't physically involve himself in the ring, which is what Savage did. The same thing happened a year previous where Savage attacked Crush and got suspended over it.
ReplyDelete"They note that Bundy is the “anchor” of the Million Dollar Team, which I assume is in the sense of the big thing that drags everyone else down to his level."
ReplyDeleteYou know who else drags everything down to his level? Shsne Douglas. Man that guy sucks.
"Battleground was slightly above average"
ReplyDeleteMike Sanders wrestled on the pay per view?
They let anyone post here these days!
ReplyDeleteAsshole...
ReplyDeletewhen he started, he was a extra flippy (not floppy autocorrect) guy who could pop that double moonsault. He's turned into a excellent worker.
ReplyDeleteTry as I might, I just can't get fully immersed into puro. I think the lack of knowledge as to what's going on/why hurts. If I spoke Japanese or they did english dubbed shows, I'd be far more likely to regularly watch things like NJPW and Dragon Gate.
The answer to the question everyone is asking:
ReplyDeleteYes...that is ECW's Tony DeVito, Scott.
Easy there, pal. There are some standards, okay. (A) someone has to have a keyboard, (b) you have to have some sort of internet accessibility, (c) you gotta know the blog exists, (d) you gotta know something about wrestling. Wait, someone didn't know the difference between a botch and a shoot. Okay, fine, omit D.
ReplyDeleteMan, I can't believe this is how he went out.
ReplyDeleteYOU ALL BOUGHT IT!!!
ReplyDeleteHe'll never live that one down. I mean, he did a post about doing #2, and said Wes Welker would go full Benoit (does Welker even have a wife and kids? Come to think of it, that might been Caliber...), but he gets remembered for that.
ReplyDeleteBut for fuck's sake, *I* have posting privileges, and I'm the BoD's Scott Hall.
Say what you want about Fale and Ishii, but that was a hard-hitting, well paced match. Best match of the first half, imo. Yano is such a strange bird, enjoy watching him getting the better of tough guy Suzuki.
ReplyDeleteITHOUGHTIWASSEEINGWHATWASADVERTISED
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the things where I think I'm helped by growing up in San Francisco.. Everywhere I go in this town, all I hear are foreign languages.. And the wrestlers, they all look like Americans to me because that's what everyone I went to school looked like.. I know I'm in the minority there, but it probably helps..
ReplyDeleteWord.. the opener and Nagata/Kojima matches were dope. The rest was about what I thought it would be.. But Yano/Suzuki was hilarious..
ReplyDeleteWelker has a wife, a hot one at that. No kids, though. And I enjoyed your ROH reviews, even though I didn't enjoy the product at the time.
ReplyDeleteSo... do we get a new RAW recapper now?
ReplyDeleteMan tonight sucked.
ReplyDeleteMan, 1994 WWF sucked too.
ReplyDeleteHonestly though, why not?
ReplyDeleteNot the pageantry part, but the "treating every match like a huge deal and building each feud to the point where fans will pay to see it on PPV" part?
So many of these PPVs have painfully uninspired match combinations, many of them thrown together a week or two before the show. Sure, it's not like the Andre Battle Royale was this match people were clamoring to see when it was announced, but they spent enough time building it up that it felt like a fairly big deal by the time of the show.
I swear, booking compelling feuds that advance storylines, get/keep people over, and drive fan interest isn't anywhere near as hard as they're making it on themselves.
This show wasn't even the strangest Tony DeVito sighting.
ReplyDeleteFun Fact: He also appeared on one of the first episodes of WWE's failed 2006 relaunch of ECW playing a priest who had never seen an ECW show before and claimed to be offended by what he saw which means that segment was very obviously written by someone who had never seen an ECW show before.
Well that show certainly washed the Battleground out of my mouth.
ReplyDeleteBar none, hands down, best AJ Styles match I've ever seen. How the fcck did they top Nakamura/Shibata and Tanahashi/Honma? Best show of the year.. I never say "Told ya so" to those who miss it, I just say "You should really join us next time"..
ReplyDeleteDoes that count as a 'Dusty start' ?
ReplyDeleteI thought Scott did a pretty good job up there.
ReplyDeleteI'm almost positive this means the BoD is going to be unbearable today.
ReplyDeleteWhat was the show called? Interested in following it up
ReplyDeleteThere's always a Plan B
ReplyDeleteOh, I see what you did there!
ReplyDeleteYou know what really sucks? That amazing tag match is getting lost in all the negativity. The Usos, Rowan, and Harper deserve so much praise for putting on such a great performance.
ReplyDeleteThis is so true, it hurts.
ReplyDeleteWe have just been Dickroll'D
ReplyDelete*head in hands*
ReplyDeleteI didn't see the show, but yep, seems like if there was an actual "bell to bell" match, it would have just been tons of insane brawling that would have ended in a double DQ/Countout anyway. Which is exactly what we seemed to get, in 3 different segments. So why are people complaining again?
ReplyDeletesomewhat of a Battleground tradition starting as last years best match was the tag title match with the Rhodes boys vs Shield.
ReplyDeleteAnd this was it for Savage. Weirds.
ReplyDeleteStrange how 18 months earlier, there was a Luger/Backlund KOTR Qualifier that was an easy Luger win. Funny how things changed, where Backlund was actually the favorite here.
ReplyDeleteI would personally rather see a brawl that goes on in one segment, with no officials pulling them apart.
ReplyDeleteThat's ok bullshit for Raw, but makes for a crappy "special event"
When I saw I had a reply to this post, I was mentally preparing for a really snarky comment...
ReplyDeleteYou're absolutely right. The opening tag match was the highlight of the show, and all four guys deserve a ton of praise for that effort.
I missed all but the first fall which didn't do much for me. I wish that I'd caught it.
ReplyDeleteI think if they didn't stall during the PPV it would seem like it was better than it was. The stalling makes it seem like there was supposed to be a match there instead.
ReplyDeleteI think there would have been a lot less complaining if after the beatdown on Ambrose on Raw, Triple H had announced that the match was off or at least strongly imply that the match wouldn't happen. Then they could have done the same exact stuff that happened on the PPV and I doubt people would be so upset.
ReplyDeleteI was disappointed with no match personally but I get that they wanna save it for SS.
Backlund actually had a very competitive match and lost by Count-Out with the loaded forearm of doom. Luger actually looked bad in that match, too by not defeating him easily.
ReplyDeleteI expected something really great(I thought their match last month rocked) but they still managed to blow away my expectations. It's always fun when the people you don't expect to steal the show end up stealing the show.
ReplyDeleteYeah I guess so. Now that I think about it, Backlund started with like 4-5 quick pin attempts. Was a pretty fun match.
ReplyDeleteI wish they'd just avoided the 2/3 Falls stipulation and there had been a title switch. Those teams have good chemistry, but can't the Wyatts at least win some of the time?
ReplyDeleteOf course, I was raised on an element of USWA wrestling where there were tons of title changes, so that influences some of my views at times.
I'm a sucker for 2/3 Falls matches and this one got enough time so that the stipulation didn't feel wasted. I agree on the title change though. I wish there was a title change just from a purely "I was rooting for Rowan and Harper over the Usos" type of way.
ReplyDeleteBacklund's transformation between 1993 and 1994 is something to behold. At first, you were like "who cares about this guy?" and Backlund really looked out of place in the 1990s. Then, he snaps and becomes this insane guy that rips people's arms off with the chicken wing, and he acquires this great presence on the card.
ReplyDeleteI must admit that every time I watch the 1993 Rumble (which isn't often), I keep thinking Backlund JUST MIGHT win. That Iron Man push was fantastic, but it didn't lead to anything.
Don't worry they'll have another one tonight!
ReplyDeleteIt was really strange in the sense that they seemed to be teasing an Usos split in the pre-match promo. That would seem to telegraph a title change and when one of the Usos tagged themselves in late in the match, I thought we were headed down that road, but it didn't happen. I hope they don't split the Usos in the short-term because the WWE really doesn't need to split any more tag teams up at this time.
ReplyDeleteI also like 2/3 falls, but I just felt that the match didn't take full advantage of the stipulation. I blame part of that on the commentary, though, for not really selling the story of the match well. That's why I'd peg the match at **** and not at ****1/2+ or whatever.
It wasn't insane brawling. It was a quick raw pull apart instead of a advertised main event.
ReplyDeleteRight now, I think Wyatts-Usos are the only teams in the division.
ReplyDeleteI nearly shit my pants on the "Harper goes for discus lariat, eats a Super Kick, All Japan's that shit and then hits the discus lariat" That would have been such an amazing finish.
ReplyDeleteScott, I've been a fan of yours for a long time, but this was seriously not cool.
ReplyDeleteYup and one of the Usos will dive over the top rope and the fans will chant "This is Awesome!".
ReplyDeleteYeah, that would've been an amazing finish. I let out an audible "Damn!" after that sequence.
ReplyDeleteI did like the double top rope splash finish, but don't really understand why the Usos just didn't splash Harper from the opposite turnbuckles.
Anvil should have used a spinebuster for his finisher. It would have played well off the heart attack.
ReplyDeleteNo that wasn't Caliber that was Meekin
ReplyDeleteDon't worry I'm sure SummerSlam will be a show of the year candidate and we will have tears in our eyes praising it until the they really phone it in until the Rumble.
ReplyDeleteYoko-Mabel didn't flush the Action Zone concept down the toilet. That's a main event for any arena in the country! Hell, that match got the ONLY reaction from the crowd at In Your House 4!
ReplyDeleteI've always been a sucker for Big vs Big matches, so I remembered being excited about that one. The show did fizzle out very soon after though.
ReplyDeleteBrock vs Big Show at survivor Series 2002 is the go-to Big vs Big match for me. It has everything I'm looking for in my big man contests: power moves, minimal resting, kept short.
ReplyDeleteAlso like Yoko vs Vader from Raw in '96.
I get back from Cancun, looking to see some SK rant on Battleground and you hit us with the SWERVE Scott?
ReplyDeleteBruh.
I don't know what to believe anymore.
ReplyDeleteBo-Lieve.
ReplyDeleteYeah, as a mark I was hyped for Mabel-Yoko. When you are a kid, you are less enamored by workrate and just the sheer size of some of these guys.
ReplyDeleteAnd JBL will shout, "It's a FLYING USO, MIGGAL COHL!!!"
ReplyDeleteGoddamitt, I hate JBL so much.
It was the greatest swerve on Scott's family since "The trampoline is perfectly safe".
ReplyDeleteMan, I thought Savage left WAY earlier than this. No wonder Vince got mad...he gives Savage a rare heartfelt sendoff and is all grateful and shit, then Randy pops up working for the competition like 2 weeks later.
ReplyDeleteAnd that is the last time you will ever see me be sympathetic to Vince McMahon.
The correct answer is that it was obviously written by someone who had never seen ECW before there was nothing even close to offensive in the abortion that was the rebooted ECW. In all seriousness though, the new ECW literally killed me and now I'm just a ghost.
ReplyDeleteI thought that was Drunk Murph.
ReplyDeleteHell I may actually watch Raw if I get to see another go round.
ReplyDeleteAs bad as, "SHADES OF DADDY RIKISHI!"
ReplyDeleteThe Ascension was teasing something with the Usos on Twitter, which is apparently where storylines start now.
ReplyDeleteGene Okerlund: Scott Keith, excuse me. Excuse me. What in the world are you thinking?
ReplyDeleteScott Keith: Mean Gene the first thing you gotta do is to tell the BoD Universe to shut up if they want to hear what I’ve gotta say.
Gene Okerlund: I have been with you for so many years for you to swerve the BoD Universe with the promises of a Battleground 2014 review only to post another Raw 94 review absolutely makes me SICK to my stomach! And I think that these people here at the BoD and a lot of people around the whole wrestling world have had just about enough of BoD contributors that clearly dislike the BoD Universe like Paul Meekin and Andy PG and you want to put yourself in this group? You’ve gotta be…kidding me!
Scott Keith: Well the first thing you’ve gotta realize brother is that this right here is the future of the BoD. You can call this the New Blog of Doom Order of wrestling brother. These two men came from online obscurity and everybody was wondering about who the third man was. Well who knows more about online obscurity than me brother?
ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN ON THE BLOG OF DOOM!
ReplyDeleteNot without my anus. Blog edition.
ReplyDelete