The PG Era Rant: Raw, 08.04.14

The PG Era Rant for Raw's Lower Deck Episode, August 4, 2014. WARNING as always: expect iconoclastic opinions.

Live from Stone Cold Steve Austin, TX.

Your hosts are Byron, Booker, and Alex, then Cole, Lawler, and Bradshaw.

Things that will happen tonight (brought to you by the letter B if this recap is anything to go by):

• Stephanie McMahon and Brie Bella will sign their SummerSlam contract
• Chris Jericho vs. Luke Harper; if Jericho wins, Bray Wyatt must go into SummerSlam alone
• A video package detailing the history of John Cena and Brock Lesnar, and their feelings on each other

We look back at Roman Reigns getting ambushed last week. Bottom line: don't steal from Randy Orton.

And this leads us to opening announcements with Triple H, accompanied by Orton, Rollins, Stephanie, and Kane. Cole informs us that Orton/Reigns is on for SummerSlam. Which is in two weeks, as HHH tells us. Buy the Network! Now, HHH doesn't like to pat himself on the back, but he will, because this is the biggest SummerSlam ever. Bray Wyatt against Chris Jericho! (Buy the Network!) And just added: Seth Rollins against Dean Ambrose! (Buy the Network!) Oh, about that match: tonight, Rollins and Ambrose will Beat the Clock. Faster time names a stipulation. Ambrose's opponent will be Alberto Del Rio. Rollins, meanwhile, will face Rob Van Dam.

To Stephanie, who gets HUGE heel heat. Attempts to prove she's going local with cowboy boots don't help. And later tonight, the contract signing. (Buy the Network!) And there will be slapping if Brie gets out of line. And if it happens, Brie will be in the hospital next to Daniel Bryan. (Crowd: YES!)

HHH says there's more: Brock Lesnar against John Cena! (Buy the Network!) BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

Randy Orton gets to speak and say the best part of SummerSlam is his guarantee: Orton will decimate Roman Reigns. See, Roman took opportunities from Orton, and now you can see remains of Roman on the announce table. But if you think last week was a big deal, it was just a taste...

...and before we can pitch the Network again, here's Reigns. JBL says what I'm thinking: he's walking into a 1-on-4 situation. Reigns, though, stops in the crowd and has a microphone (somehow). If the Viper is back, then Reigns took everything from him and came back for more. And if Hunter is about great deals, here's one: he's beating up Orton and you don't even need the Network!

HHH calms the troops and reminds everyone the fight is at SummerSlam. Tonight, instead, Roman Reigns is going to get his hands on Kane. And that better be THEDEMONKANE! And the match will be Last Man Standing. And that match is NEXT! Play Reigns' music!

Hey, Hunter, I wasn't paying attention. How much is the Network again? In all seriousness, setting up three matches for tonight is good return on a 12-minute opening promo. Feeling good about tonight, even if Stephanie and Brie's contract signing is the end segment.

Last Man Standing: Kane v. Roman Reigns. Roman slugs away to start, but Kane controls with an uppercut as we get a hashtag. Roman comes out of the corner with a clothesline and headbutt, but Kane reverses with a DDT, getting 2. Out of 10. Kane slugs away in the corner with forearms, getting a corner whip and clothesline. A second one eats boot, and Roman's off the second rope with a clothesline for 3. Kane bails, and Roman follows to send Kane into the announce table and STEEL steps. This gets 4. Reigns with a clothesline off the steps (wait, who are those Wyatt Family cosplayers in the front row?) for 6. Reigns sends Kane into the barricade again, adding an uppercut, but Kane sends Reigns into some steps for 4. Reigns eats post, but the ref doesn't count because Kane is re-arranging stairs. Reigns would've been up before 10 anyway. He puts the steps halfway up the aisle as a barricade, but Reigns recovers with shots before sending Kane back-first into the barricade for 6. Reigns charges into a kick, then he gets sent into the barricade for 5. Kane goes hunting for weaponry, finding a Singapore cane. Time for a whipping, and Reigns gets hit five times before Kane ditches the stick for the steps to the face. Reigns is busted open hardway as he's down for 7. Kane sends Roman into the barricade, but Reigns reverses and Kane is into the timekeeper area as we go to break.

A Last Man Standing match is a good way to hide that Reigns has a limited moveset because no one expects anything but a brawl anyway. That said, he's showing he needs more variety. I still think he's too green to be getting the big push, but hey, he's an Anoa'i so he must be good enough, right?

Last Man Standing, part two. Kane has Reigns draped on the middle rope and does a drive-by uppercut. Reigns is holding himself up by the ropes, so no count. Reigns reverses to send Kane into a chair that was wedged into the turnbuckles before collapsing. It's a double 7. Reigns slugs away on Kane, getting a leaping lariat and avalanche clothesline. Uppercut and another clothesline, and another uppercut, put Kane in position for the Drive-By Dropkick. Kane rolls out at 5. Reigns walks into an uppercut, but Reigns reverses Kane into that stair barricade from earlier. It gets 6. Reigns sends Kane into the barricade (as the ref counts), then finds a table. Kane is up at whatever and ambushes Reigns, throwing him in and following. Kane sets up the table as Reigns takes a count of 4. Kane runs into a Samoan Drop for 3. Superpunch is caught, and Reigns is chokeslammed through the table for our first 9 of the match. Kane is furious and pounds away, grabbing the chair from the corner and setting it down for a Tombstone attempt. Reigns slides out the back and gets a DDT on the chair instead for 2. Yes, 2. Superpunch follows, getting... no count? Even the announcers are confused. It wouldn't have mattered, but still. Spear is stopped, chokeslam is avoided, and the spear connects on the second try for the 10-count at 15:18. Didn't do it much for me – not enough high counts and the referee's inconsistency takes away. **1/4

Coming up: Ambrose/ADR and Rollins/RVD in the Beat the Clock showdown! But up next, a video package on Cena and Lesnar!

They're doing everything they can to make Roman Reigns a big deal. It's working, don't get me wrong – the crowd is 100% behind him. But if the Cena experience of 2005 is any indication, he's going to run into someone who is able to wrestle circles around him and it'll be all over. Or is that just Cena?

Your SummerSlam theme is Fozzy's “Lights Go Out”. SummerSlam will be main evented by John Cena against Brock Lesnar, and here's a video package on the two of them.

“Bad things happen to good people when you step into the ring with Brock Lesnar.” Brock calls himself an “ass-kicking son of a bitch” and he doesn't care who he rubs the wrong way. He came back to be champion, and he doesn't care who he rips through, because his happiness is in causing pain. To get into his world, understand he likes to hurt people. He's conquered, he's won, he's defeated. He's coming off the biggest win in the WWE – beating Undertaker and WrestleMania. And he and everyone knew it would happen – why WOULDN'T it? It's not like Undertaker is a god. So why can't Brock Lesnar beat John Cena?

“You're gonna ask probably a lot of questions about accomplishments I've had; I would much rather not talk about my successes.” Cena acknowledges that he's fortunate, but says his secret is just looking forward. And ahead of him is Brock Lesnar, the most difficult opponent he's had and the most gifted athlete he's seen. He has a unique combination of athleticism and meanness. But Cena's been in the ring with him before. Brock promises to rip John Cena apart and make it ugly. Cena says it'll be the toughest match of his life. Heyman promised the beating of a lifetime – Cena knew that, but Cena knows what it takes to win.

Come get some.

You will be conquered.

Come Get Some.

Cena wants to beat The One. Brock Lesnar made a name for himself outside this company... because if he stayed, John Cena would be a nobody out of the business. Cena, though, says if he stayed, there would be no LESNAR. He's a special attraction who only wants to fight every so often. He's a mercenary. Cena is passionate about the WWE and has been there for 12 years, non-stop. And he's in it to win it.

Brock gets the last word: he will rip John Cena apart and leave him in a puddle of blood, urine, and vomit.

Buy the Network! Later tonight, we'll talk about the rest of the world getting in on it!

Tonight: Chris Jericho faces Luke Harper!

If they ever cut the people who make their video packages, it will be a dark day.

Damien Sandow as an Oklahoma football player v. Mark Henry. Damien Sandow explains the Red River Rivalry for those not in America or who don't follow football. Mark Henry is in the burnt orange just to make it clear who to cheer for. Sandow says horns down, Henry says horns up. Sandow with punches, but Henry shoves him down and clotheslines him. World's Strongest Slam ends it at 47 seconds, at least half of it spent with Sandow in Henry's arms. Where's Ed Ferrara when he could actually be useful?

Adam Rose and company are backstage with the mirror from Oculus. They say it's haunted, you know. And those who stare into it will see their evil side staring back at them. Hooey, says Adam Rose. Not like he's going to see a giant lemon. Against his Rosebud wishes, he looks into the mirror... and sees himself in a business suit. The mirror's power is real! RUN! And buy Oculus on DVD!

Tonight: a contract signing between Brie Bella and Stephanie McMahon! But up next, Dean Ambrose sets the time against Alberto Del Rio!

Time for a theory: Damien Sandow is being punished by the Authority by making him do all these chameleon cheap heat things. Why are they punishing him? Because during Occupy Raw, Sandow refused to break up the invasion in the ring, instead wisely walking away from Bryan and his 100 or so fans. Granted, they're just using him as a jobber so who cares, but nothing wrong with fan theory.

Next week is Hulk Hogan's birthday, and Raw is throwing a party!

Beat the Clock establishment: Dean Ambrose v. Alberto Del Rio. Beat the Clock gets a hashtag. Lawler wants the match to last 10:39, or 9:99. Del Rio rolls Ambrose into the corner and feigns a clean break to get a kick and snapmare for one. Ambrose fires away in the corner, sending him into another corner and getting ten Bionic Elbows and a snapmare for one. Rude Awakening gets two. Into the corner, but ADR reverses and gets the catapult enzuigiri for one. Del Rio gets a brainbuster, but they fall into the ropes. Kicks in the corner, and Del Rio chokes Ambrose, but Ambrose trips Del Rio and swings wildly. The chase goes on around the ring, but Del Rio suckers Ambrose in and throws him into the barricade. Back in, ADR goes up and lands a single axhandle for two. To the CHINLOCK as we reach three minutes. Del Rio goes low, but Ambrose gets a small package for two. Clothesline by Del Rio, then a kick to the head of a seated Ambrose. Del Rio chokes Ambrose in the ropes (almost reaching five) before throwing him into the post. Del Rio yanks the arm repeatedly over the middle rope before showing off. Cole mentions this is a rematch of a Main Event match on the Network, so BUY THE NETWORK! Ambrose sends Del Rio into the barricade, then gets a suplex on the floor. Back in, it gets two. Ambrose slaps on a Fujiwara armbar, begging Del Rio to tap. Del Rio up with a headbutt before sidestepping Ambrose and letting him crash into the post again. Del Rio with the Cross Armbreaker over the top rope, and he goes up, but Ambrose catches him with a shot to the gut. Ambrose with the comeback, ending in a crossbody and punches. He checks the clock before putting Del Rio in the corner, but Del Rio reverses before running into an elbow. Del Rio shoves off a Tornado DDT try and gets the low superkick. Ambrose rolls to the outside as we go to break seven minutes in.

They're really really pushing the Network tonight. Interesting that this match goes first, by the way.

Ambrose/Del Rio, part two. Back at 10:22 as Ambrose is down and Del Rio gets a top wristlock. Ambrose fights to his feet, but Del Rio with a single-arm DDT. Del Rio sets Ambrose up against the post, but Ambrose moves and Del Rio kicks the post. Ambrose with a tope suicida as Del Rio is halfway into the crowd. Back in, and a missile dropkick floors Del Rio, but Ambrose can barely follow up. He slams himself into Del Rio's midsection, but Del Rio reverses a Hammer Throw. Enzuigiri misses, and Ambrose gets the Tornado DDT for two. Ambrose was too busy watching the clock to hook a leg. Bulldog driver is shoved out of, and Del Rio sends him into the buckle and rips the bandage off. Everyone goes up, and Del Rio gets an inside-out superplex for two. Cross Armbreaker time, but Ambrose with a cradle for two. Ambrose with the rope-tangle lariat for two. JBL points out that Ambrose's arm is so shot he can't hold the leg for a cover. Del Rio with an armstabber, and he does the Cross Armbreaker in the ropes. Del Rio taunts Ambrose, slapping him, but Dirty Deeds comes out of nowhere to win the match at 15:42. JBL makes a big deal about the fact that Ambrose switched to his good arm to do the finisher. That match was some WCCW goodness here in Texas. ***1/4

Later tonight: Seth Rollins has to beat Rob Van Dam, 15 minutes, and 42 seconds! Plus, Stephanie McMahon and Brie Bella will sign a contract! (Here's a look at last week and how the match came about.) But up next, Rusev!

Dean Ambrose is like the lost Von Erich kid. I don't think anyone thought he'd be this good as a sympathetic babyface. If this is a match of long nights – and certainly Rollins/RVD is going to be at least long enough to tease that 15:42 will stand – I might have to give this a high score. Just stop plugging the Network.

But first, a look back at SmackDown when Jack Swagger made Cesaro tap out. Fun fact: this was his first clean win since his face turn. This led to the challenge and acceptance.

Um, Rusev just beat Sin Cara during the commercial break. Wow. So that's more time for Lana to talk. She tells us that the Deputy PM of Russia sending a photo of Obama and Putin. Putin has a cougar, Obama a poodle. But this isn't about disparaging Obama – Obama can do that on his own. It is Obama's birthday actually, so Lana will sing Happy Birthday in Russian. Can we watch the match instead?

Post-song, it's Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter for a rebuttal. Lana taunts Swagger in Russian, but Colter tells her to shut up already. He's sick of hearing Lana – no wonder Russian men get drunk all the time. He's also sick of hearing about Putin and Russia. He's also sick of Rusev Crush. He tells the “Bolshevik twitheads” that they don't know what they're in for at SummerSlam. Jack Swagger's fighting for 50 stars and 13 bars, while Lana and Rusev are fighting against all of America. And since Lana can use photos, here's one from Colter, showing some blue collar Americans that Jack Swagger fights for. Nick breaks his back for his wife and two kids, Megan works 60 hours a week to make people get over illness, and soldiers everywhere CHOOSE to risk their lives to defend America against all enemies. So Colter tells Lana and “that dancing bear there” (crowd with a LOUD USA chant) that he has a prediction for SummerSlam. The last thing they'll see is Old Glory waving high. And the only thing crushed will be the ego of Russia. WE THE PEOPLE!

Swagger hands off the flag to Colter as he glares at Rusev. Lana holds Rusev back. Rusev seems to be ready to back off, but Colter's trash-talking allows Rusev to smash Swagger with the flagpole over and over. Several stabs with the pole, then he clotheslines Swagger out of the ring. Rusev taunts Swagger...

...then realizes this leaves Colter in the ring alone. Colter, to his credit, doesn't run off. He's ready to fight back, but Rusev corners him. Lana calls it off, taunting Colter, and making it clear Rusev could kill him if they wanted.

Later tonight: Chris Jericho faces Luke Harper – and if Jericho wins, Bray Wyatt will be alone at SummerSlam!

They're reallymaking the WWE App a big deal, and nothing wrong with occasionally having a match go outside of TV plans. Plus, they're getting hyooge heat on Swagger and Colter, which I guarantee no one thought that possible. Well, I did. By the way, what odds could you have gotten on Cesaro being the Jannetty of the Real Americans? At least 200-1, right?

BUY THE NETWORK! Starting August 12, the rest of the world is going to get in on the WWE Network! Mexico, Canada, Australia! Britain gets it October 1!

Cesaro v. Dolph Ziggler. Cesaro boots Ziggler down for two as we learn Dolph/Miz has been added to SummerSlam. Karelin suplex (not that we see it, because we're looking at Miz) follows, and Cesaro taunts Dolph with facewashes. Cesaro with a straight right hand, and he goes to the CHINLOCK. Dolph fights out with a dropkick, but flies into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two. Cesaro again taunts Dolph, demanding he get up, but Dolph tries a small package... which Cesaro catches and turns into a delay suplex... but Dolph slides out with the Zig Zag for the win at 2:08. 1/2* Too much showing Miz. And in fact, Miz enters the ring with his I-C title for a staredown with Dolph. Crowd thinks Miz can't wrestle. Yeah, I've made it clear I hate that chant. Miz holds the title up high until Dolph tries a superkick, which makes Miz flinch so hard he falls down.

So, at SummerSlam, we will have Orton/Reigns, AJ/Paige, and Dolph/Miz. (Buy the Network!) But on SmackDown, Paige threw AJ off the stage. Paige: “She's fine!” This brings us to Paige... who wishes AJ a speedy recovery. Also, she admires AJ and thinks it's a dream to meet her at SummerSlam. So get well, AJ, and we'll see you soon. Paige misses her SO MUCH.

Up next: the Brothers Rhodes return to action!

You know, my minions had a theory on the Cesaro non-push. They were hoping the fans would launch Cesaro the way they launched CM Punk and Daniel Bryan. The problem, in my opinion, is that Cesaro doesn't have that underdog appeal nor charisma that both Punk and Bryan have. He's been given his chance to shine, and it just didn't work. Putting him with Heyman was part of the plan: Heyman ignoring Cesaro for Brock Lesnar would happen no matter what.

RybAxel v. The Brotherhood. They couldn't spare Slater/Gator for this one? Cole makes it clear that Rybaxel is why Cody became this loony. Dustin starts off (with Cody walking the ropes) against Ryback. Ryback backs Dustin into the corner, but misses something and Dustin gets some inverted atomic drops. Dustin spits at Ryback and gets a headlock, but Axel trips Dustin and tags himself in. The double-teaming begins, and Axel gets a dropkick. It gets two. Ryback in, and he gets a suplex for two. Dustin fights out of the corner, but Axel trips him and Ryback pounds him down. Axel stomps away and gets a kneelift for two. To the CHINLOCK as Cody tries to fire the crowd up. Dustin with a low kick and hot tag to Cody. Cody with the sliding kick and hiptoss, then a cartwheel dropkick. Straightjacket DDT gets two, Ryback saves. Dustin sends Ryback into the post, and Cody gets the half-nelson STO for the win at 2:47. This needed to be more of a squash. 1/2*

To the back with the Authority looking over the contract when Kane walks in, and he's ANGRY. So mad he rips the mask off and hands it to Stephanie before walking away. Stephanie stares at the mask in confusion.

Up next: Chris Jericho against Luke Harper!

JBL is confused about what the heck just happened to Kane. So am I. I'm sure there's a point to it... is Kane retiring? Is he taking time off for politics? Is this about promoting See No Evil 2? I... yeah, I know, tune in next week to find out.

We look again at what that was with Kane before flashing back to SmackDown as Chris Jericho beat Eric Rowan and kept him out of SummerSlam.

Chris Jericho v. Luke Harper. Rowan may be banned from SummerSlam, but he isn't banned from this match. Harper charges Jericho into the corner and pounds away, getting an uppercut, then another. He picks Jericho up by the ears and knocks him down before choking him. A big uppercut has Jericho reeling, and Harper backs into the corner, raking the face. Jericho fights out with chops, but Harper gets a clothesline before dropping elbows for two. Gator Roll follows, into a headlock, but Harper shoves him off and gets kicked and chopped. Enzuigiri gets two for Jericho. Jericho kicks away at Harper, but Harper catches him into the Michinoku Driver for two. Harper gets an elbow in the corner on Jericho and puts him up top, slugging away to take the fight out of him. HE follows, but Jericho knocks him down and vaults over Harper before running into a big boot. Powerbomb gets two. Harper with an uppercut, but he runs into an elbow in the corner. Jericho with his one-handed bulldog, and he dropkicks Rowan off the apron before sidestepping Harper and rolling him up for two. Walls of Jericho follows, but before we can get a tapout, the Wyatt Interruptus hits and Bray is at ringside... with Harper nowhere to be found. Jericho demands Bray enter the ring, then gives Rowan the Codebreaker to cut off an attack, but Harper attacks from behind. Doesn't last long, as Jericho gives Harper a Codebreaker before Bray attacks for the DQ at 5:14. Well, so much for Harper. *1/4 Bray adds Sister Abigail's Kiss for good measure. What the hell was that!?

Coming up tonight: a contract signing!

Why is Bray Wyatt being booked as backwards as humanly possible since WrestleMania 30? I don't understand. I mean, I have theories, but I don't understand.

AJ Lee will be back on Main Event.

Primo El Matador v. Fandango. Primo = Diego, and he has El Torito, Summer Rae, and Layla with him, because THIS FEUD MUST CONTINUE. So Fandango counters with Hornswoggle as his dance partner. Fandango goes after Diego with punches and chops, sending him into the ropes before Diego vaults over the back and gets a dropkick. Hornswoggle is on the apron, but Fandango runs into Hornswoggle and gets Backstabbed for the pin at 41 seconds. Layla and Summer Rae check on Hornswoggle, bringing him into the ring for a dance party. And rivalry between the minis be damned, it's a full-on dance. Fandango's unhappy and throws Hornswoggle down, so Diego and Torito clean him out of the ring with a whip/senton combo. This just happened.

Renee Young is backstage with Randy Orton. But instead of reviewing earlier tonight, we review last week. And after that, Orton addresses earlier tonight. Sure, Kane is vicious, but Orton is more sick and twisted. And at SummerSlam, he will strike. So Roman Reigns better be ready, or Orton will kick his head off.

Bo Dallas is next!

Here's the deal: as you know if you read these recaps regularly, I try to accentuate the positive about each Raw. This last half hour is totally wrecking my mojo. C'mon – how hard is it to book good matches? Do we NEED Hornswoggle around? Really?

Bo Dallas v. R-Truth. Because last week, Truth inexplicably lost last week. And then beat the tar out of R-Truth anyway. Dallas charges Truth into the corner, but Truth escapes and gets a backdrop. Dallas returns with punches, but runs into an elbow and ground pounding. Stinger Splash (so hard Truth nearly leaves the ring) follows, but another charges eats elbow. Truth with a leg lariat, but the ax kick misses and Bo gets a cradle with the tights for the pin at 1:00 even. Truth is unhappy with this and the victory lap, sending Dallas into every barricade and apron he can find. Dallas shoves Truth off into the STEEL steps and gets the Bo-Dog on the floor.

Later tonight: CONTRACT! But first: Seth Rollins faces RVD!

I still don't get why Dallas lost last week. Take that away and have him use the tights for the pin this week, and you build depth to his character. Okay, arguably you do anyway, which is just fine. Still, though, this show is beginning to drag HARD.

BUY THE NETWORK! (Okay, Vince, we get it!) At least the announcers are smiling at how shameless they're being asked to be.

Back to Bray Wyatt – and why? Why does a man do and say his things? Why is Bray different? Well, at SummerSlam he will face Jericho alone... but he's never alone. Sister Abigail's hand guides him. And now Bray asks Jericho: how can you save what is dead? And what will be left of Jericho? So what IS Bray Wyatt? He's the nightmare beyond time. He's got the whole world in his hands.

So tonight, after Monday Night Raw on the WWE Network (BUY THE NETWORK!) we will show Extreme Rules 2012, which features the last meeting between the two. Here's another look at the Cena/Lesnar video package.

It's time to see if Seth Rollins can win fast enough! RVD's headed to the ring!

Hypocrisy: 1. Inconsistency in moral and ethical standing; 2. Not practicing what one insists others practice; 3. Rooting for a part-timer to win the WWE Title just because it's John Cena and not CM Punk. Yes. I went there.

15:42 Time Limit, Beat the Clock follow-up: Rob Van Dam v. Seth Rollins. So why is the WWE Network delayed in the UK and not in Australia? No, wait, it's not RVD anymore. It's...

Beat the Clock follow-up: Seth Rollins v. Heath Slater. Rollins is smiling at how awesome this is. Hashtag is back as the crowd audibly chants bullshit. Rollins offers Slater the opportunity to leave, since leaving via countout would give Rollins the win. Slater thinks about it, then begins to head out... but decides against it and attacks. Rollins fires back with right hands and kicks away in the corner. He chokes Slater in the corner with his boot and taunts Dean Ambrose, who has shown up at ringside. Rollins notes he's got all day, but he airballs a Stinger Splash and Heath with a leaping neckbreaker for two. Darn it. Rollins fights off on Slater as Ambrose picks up the briefcase. He goes to the announce table as Rollins gets a slam for two. Ambrose opens the briefcase and takes the contract away, ripping it up in front of Rollins. Rollins is furious (as Ambrose milks it hard), and Rollins runs into a leg lariat for two. Crowd is totally buying the upset. Rollins is back in control as Ambrose takes a drink and dumps it in the briefcase. Rollins sees it while choking Slater in the ropes and gets madder, so Ambrose eats some popcorn for the hell of it. Rollins slugs away on Slater as Ambrose puts all the popcorn in the briefcase. Then Ambrose steals JBL's hat as Rollins gets two. Ambrose puts JBL's hat in the briefcase and slams it shut for no reason. Rollins sees all this as Ambrose swings around the briefcase... and Slater gets a cradle for the pin at 4:49! No point in rating the match, but Dean Ambrose channeling Eddie Guerrero was awesome. Rollins takes it out on Lawler afterwards.

Up next, our “main event”: the contract signing!

Two things: first, I'm not as upset as I should be about Steph/Brie main eventing Raw two weeks in a row because I see it as The Authority v. Daniel Bryan's Proxy. Kinda makes it feel better. Second, to quote the great Facebook meme: SLATERS GONNA SLATE.

Dean Ambrose is going to say what the stipulation is on SmackDown.

Alleged Main Event: contract signing. But first, BUY THE NETWORK! Stephanie has HHH with her. Brie has Nikki. We have a hashtag. So in two weeks (Buy the Network!), this match will take place. Normally as COO, HHH would oversee the contract signing, but with Stephanie involved, HHH will recuse himself and let Michael Cole do it. But he won't leave... he's here not as the COO but as Stephanie's husband. They kiss... but Brie is sick of it and wants us to get on with it. Stephanie says Brie should understand about supportive spouses... since there's no Daniel Bryan around. What, he's STILL recovering? Brie confirms that. But has Stephanie recovered from being arrested? So, when Stephanie was in jail, did she trade in her power suit for an orange jumpsuit, or HHH for a cellmate? Brie says how it's going to happen: she will beat Stephanie and embarrass her. And not just in front of the LA crowd, but the entire WWE Universe, too. She will send a message to the world: Stephanie McMahon is a fraud. A failure! An embarrassment! Oh, and this isn't just for Brie, or Nikki, or Daniel; it's for Vickie Guerrero, too. For the Big Show. For the Rhodes Family. For everyone in the roster that Stephanie tortured. (Crowd fills in CM Punk's name here. Kinda had that one coming.) Brie: “He may not help, but I'll tell you something.” Karma comes around, and it's about to crash onto Stephanie. Brie emphatically signs the contract and hands it over.

Stephanie fakes being upset. Then she says all the great families and wrestlers and legacies would appreciate being represented by someone like Brie. Stephanie is a fourth-gen McMahon – do you get what that means? Brie is nothing more than a wannabe reality star who walked away from Daniel Bryan and stole the spotlight from Nikki to try to make a name off of Stephanie. Brie is a selfish, conceited shell of a woman. So who's the piece of trash now? Stephanie's already embarrassed being in the same ring as Brie, and at SummerSlam, she will end any attempt to make history. Stephanie will tear Brie's heart out. And she signs too.

We get the staredown... then Stephanie clocks NIKKI! HHH traps Brie in the corner with the table, leaving Nikki alone with Stephanie, who Pedigrees her. HHH and Stephanie do the Yes to mock Brie, who slaps HHH hard! This gets Brie free, but Stephanie ambushes and slams her into the table. Pedigree to Brie too. The two (HHH and Stephanie) kiss as the crowd hates this. Go to black.

THOUGHTS:

Well, to be honest, I enjoyed Raw tonight.

The Blog of Doom Raw, but still.

Scott Keith in WCW2000 said that it's great people understand the concept of the heel beatdown, but they have to have appropriate people deliver it. He said it about David Flair and Vince Russo, and I say it about Stephanie McMahon.

Of course, there's more to it than that. I don't understand using Rybaxel for the Brothers Dust when their return mandated a quick squash. I don't understand wasting time on Fandango, who you've basically killed as ever being a threat. I don't understand Luke Harper against Chris Jericho going 5 minutes. And I really don't understand how a good first hour of wrestling turns into a train wreck for the other two.

STATS:

MATCH TIME: 48:26 over nine matches, not including whatever Rusev's time was.

BEST MATCH: Ambrose/Del Rio

WORST MATCH: Diego/Fandango

NIGHT MVP: Dean Ambrose (with the WWE Network a close second)

RATING: $9.99. Did you hear? That's how much the Network costs!

Your schedule is Matt Perri on Tuesday with Main Event; Tommy Hall being tortured by Impact on Thursday as Danielle reviews Total Divas and Scott does NXT; Tommy comes back on Friday with SmackDown; and I will do a retro rant on Saturday. See you then, and remember: Kevin Dunn Delenda Est!