It's unreal that we're already at the Rumble.
Last year, Batista entered late and won the thing much to the chagrin of the WWE Universe. This year, I'm not quite sure WWE is ready to make another stupid mistake.
Then again, they just might.
My predictions for this year:
- Team Cesaro defeats New Day.
- The Usos SHOULD beat Team Miz. I'm tired of this angle. We've seen it.
- The Ascension beats the New Age Outlaws and I cannot believe we're having that match.
- John Cena beats Lesnar and Rollins. Heyman turns on Lesnar, screwing Lesnar over. Lesnar attacks Cena and Rollins gets the strap with the MITB case...tho, I'd prefer it if Rollins won the next night on RAW, but we'll see.
- Nattie and Paige should win this thing.
- Roman Reigns wins the Royal Rumble because WWE just sucks balls.
Also, The Rock is here -- and that's added some drama to this thing.
Let's see what happens...
We start with a bunch of Superstars telling us what the Royal Rumble means to them.
We are LIVE(!!!) from the Wells Fargo Center in Philadelphia!!!
JBL, Cole and King are on the mics.
MATCH #1: New Age Outlaws ("Road Dogg" Jesse James & "Badass" Billy Gunn) vs. The Ascension (Konnor & Viktor)
James and Viktor start and the fact that this match isn't over yet is aggravating. James hip tosses Viktor after a series of counters. Tag to Dogg. Viktor tags Konnor but Dogg does his series of goofy moves. FINALLY, the new guys beat up on Dogg and Viktor gets a tag. Headlock by Viktor. Dogg fights out but gets thrown to the mat. Viktor drops an elbow and Konnor is tagged in and he works over Dogg as JBL tries to tell us that "a win over The Outlaws will mean a step up the ladder for these guys." Dogg eventually makes a tag to Gunn and he takes both members, tossing Konnor outside. Gut Wrench on Viktor, but Gunn misses a Fame-Asser. The Ascension hits The Fall of Man at 5:27 and the crowd just hates it.
WINNERS: The Ascension via Push Prank
RATING: *1/2. Why this couldn't have been on the pre-show is beyond me.
Cole runs us through last Monday when Sting appeared on RAW.
Triple H and Steph are backstage. Steph is worried about Sting. She asks where he hides all the time. Wasn't he in the dressing room? Triple H doesn't get it: everyone was talking about Nikolai Volkoff being here but Sting is mentioned and nobody cares. Triple H says it doesn't matter -- he's gonna destroy Sting. Paul Heyman shows up. Steph says she never invited him in here. Heyman says he can go and take his problems with him but he's here to solve their problems. Heyman says he has the solution to Sting: Brock Lesnar.
#VOLKOFFWINSTHERUMBLE - let's get that trending.
MATCH #2: The Miz & Damien Miz-dow (challengers) vs. The Usos (Jimmy & Jey) (champions) for the WWE Tag Team Championship
Jey and Miz start this out. Crowd chants for Miz-dow but Miz isn't having it and chews them out. Jey chops at Miz, then they botch a Demolition Decapitation. Two count. Jimmy chops at Miz and ends up in the corner. Miz hits a Miz-line. Jimmy attacks and puts Miz on the buckle. Miz-dow imitates this. Miz gets hit coming off the buckle and Miz-dow imitates that too. Jimmy hits a kneelift on Miz but Miz sends Jimmy into the ropes, neck-first. Crowd still wants Miz-dow but Miz won't tag. Miz hits the Back and Neckbreaker and gets two. Miz-dow wants a tag again and Miz puts his hand out. Miz-dow goes for the tag but Miz moves his hand. Hot tag to Jey and he's all over Miz. Samoan Drop and Rikishi Splash. Series of roll-ups get two each and Miz hits a quick DDT for two. Miz-dow comes in and gets dumped outside. Miz does too. It's a Flying Uso by Jimmy and Jey and there are Bodies Everywhere™. Back in the ring, Jey misses the Superfly Splash. Miz hits the SCF -- but only gets two. Crowd is hot for Miz-dow but Miz just beats Jey in the corner. Miz goes for a Miz-Line but Jey hits a Supkick and Superfly Splash. TWO COUNT as Miz-dow makes a save. Jimmy attacks but Miz-dow dumps him, then hits the SCF on Jey...Miz crawls over -- and NEARLY gets the fall. Miz-dow cannot believe it. Miz pulls Jey up on the buckle for a Superplex but Jey fights out of it. Miz-dow goes after Jey but Jey kicks him. Jimmy suddenly gets up and tags himself in. Jey tries a Powerbomb but Miz won't let go of the ropes. Jimmy Superkicks Miz, then hits the Superfly Splash and the Usos retain at 9:25.
WINNERS: The Usos
RATING: **3/4. Barely passable. Look, use Miz-dow or have him turn already. This gimmick and feud are like beating the bones of a dead horse.
We get a status recap from the WWE CNN News Desk of Doom.
Joey Mercury is playing Immortals: The Game Which Takes WWE Superstars Into a Supernatural Realm in a Mortal Kombat Rip-Off. Jamie Noble tells him to stop. Rollins comes in and tells them that he wants them focused. He's not "The Future". He's "The Right Now". TRENDING!!!
MATCH #3: The Bella Twins (Nikki & Brie) vs. Natalya & Paige
Nikki and Paige start out. Nikki hits uppercuts. Paige comes back with a kick to the gut. Tag to Nattie and the two double team Nikki, tossing her to the mat. Nikki gets to Brie to make the tag but Nattie lifts her up and tags Paige and they hit a delayed standing double suplex. Paige goes for Dry Hump Pin and gets a one count. Paige smashes Brie in the face with some knees and tags Nattie. Kinda. Nobody knows what the fuck is going on. Paige is the legal woman in the ring. In any case, Paige Superkicks Brie and gets a one count. The crowd starts doing Euro Football chants as Brie seems to botch a side suplex. Tag to Nikki who puts a headlock on Nattie. Nattie escapes but Nikki puts her to the mat for two, then struts around the ring. Tag to Brie who hits a running lariat. Two count. Brie applies the Chinlock of Doom. Nattie fights out but gets hung up on the ropes for the Brie Mode Knee Smash. Tag to Nikki and it's a double team and a nice body toss using their legs. Nikki goes for Head Scissors but Nattie gets to her feet and drops Nikki backwards. Nikki tries for a leglock but Nattie reverses for the Sharpshooter. Nikki kicks out and misses a corner splash. Nattie tries a tag but Brie yanks Paige off the mat. Nikki just levels Nattie with a forearm. Pin at 8:04.
WINNERS: The Bella Twins
RATING: **. This was uninteresting from the start and remained so. No Bella Twin turn, no Paige/Nattie friction. Nothing doing. Just filler.
We get a nice shot of the Wells Fargo Center.
Superstars like Roman Reigns, Stardust, Goldust, Rusev, Miz, Miz-dow, Big Show, Fandango, and Daniel Bryan. They're all ready to win. Dammit, we still have four minutes until 6 PM. Let's hear from the 72 other superstars in WWE and NXT...
We get the build-up for the Triple Threat Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship.
MATCH #4: John Cena (challenger) vs. Seth Rollins (challenger) (w/ Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury) vs. Brock Lesnar (champions) (w/ Paul Heyman) in a Triple Threat Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
#BIGFIGHTFEELMIGGAL - trending! Cena and Lesnar go right after Rollins. He bails and Lesnar hits a German on Cena, then goads Rollins to come into the ring. Another German on Cena and Rollins runs into the ring. Lesnar grabs him for an F5 but J&J come into the ring. J&J get a German each. Rollins gets one. Cena gets #3. Heyman just smiles. Lesnar hits a suplex, then turns to Rollins. German #2. Lesnar just suplexes Cena and Rollins. Rollins rolls out of the ring, so Lesnar turns to Cena and locks in the Kimura. Cena gets to his knees, then to his feet. Rollins hits a Springboard kneedrop from the outside, knocking both men down, then goes to work on Lesnar, kicking at him. Lesnar fights back. Cena attacks Lesnar. Double Suplex to Lesnar by Rollins and Cena. Cena hits a quick AA on Lesnar but Rollins dumps him outside. One count by Rollins. And the fight spills outside. The crowd loves it.
Cena chases Rollins back in and it's Moves 1 through 3. He tries the 5KS but Rollins kicks at him. Series of counters and it's #3 again by Cena. Lesnar comes in and hits German #4 and #5 on Cena. Rollins superkicks Lesnar in the head to stop the massacre, then hits a knee to Lesnar. Cena hits a Falling Powerbomb to Rollins and nearly gets a fall. Rollins hits a nice Reverse Neckbreaker off the ropes for two. Lesnar gets back into the ring, works over Rollins, then dumps him. Cena attacks Lesnar and hits a nice clothesline, knocking Lesnar down. Rollins pulls him out of the ring and leaps at Lesnar who hits an F5 out of nowhere. He NEARLY gets a fall but Cena saves the match. Lesnar hits German #6 to Cena, then looks around the ring. He goes outside and takes apart the Spanish desk, then goes for Cena who hits THREE AA's and NEARLY gets the fall. Rollins pulls him out of the ring.
Rollins gets into the ring and hits a Curb Stomp! NEAR fall. Cena saves it. Lesnar rolls out of the ring and gets to his feet. Cena comes running over and knocks him into the Timekeeper's pit. Cena gets to his feet and tosses Lesnar into the steel steps. Lesnar gets to his feet and Cena clocks him in the head with the steps. Rollins kicks at Cena from inside the ring. Lesnar ends up on the Spanish Table...ho boy. Rollins goes top rope and hits Lesnar with an elbow into the table. Cena gets to Rollins as the crowd is at THIS IS AWESOME levels. Cena rolls Rollins into the ring as Lesnar is dead outside. Cena goes to pick him up but Rollins rolls him up for a close fall. Rollins flies at Cena who catches him for an AA. Rollins breaks it and tries a Frankensteiner -- but Cena reverses into a Powerbomb! TWO COUNT. Holy shit.
Doctors tend to Lesnar as Cena puts Rollins up for a Superplex. Rollins rakes Cena's eyes and hits a Turnbuckle Powerbomb for two. Cena kicks out of his pin and locks in the STF -- and J&J come running in to take out Cena. Triple Powerbomb by the three guys and it's a two-count. Rollins gets the MITB case but misses his swing. He goes flying from the ring. J&J enter the ring and Cena hits a Double AA, then hits an AA for a CLOSE FALL. Wow. Both men get up and Cole tells us that Lesnar "has a broken rib". Cena tries an AA but Rollins hits an Enzuguri and Curb Stomp. Two count. Rollins gets to his feet and goes top rope with a 450 Splash! Lesnar bolts into the ring and it's Germans to both men. He tries another but Rollins lands on his feet and clocks Lesnar with the MITB case -- twice. He puts Lesnar's head on the case and goes for a Curb Stomp but Lesnar stands up and hits the F5 to retain at 22:45.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Brock Lesnar via F5.
RATING: ****. Not bad at all. 'Cept, now Lesnar still has the title.
Post-match, everyone is out of it. Rollins can't believe it and holds onto the case. Lesnar staggers off.
We get the Royal-Rumble-By-the-Numbers montage.
MATCH #5: Royal Rumble
I didn't think it was possible to produce a worse Rumble than last year. This year, I have been proven horribly, unfortunately wrong. Daniel Bryan was in the Rumble less than a half hour and was eliminated halfway through the match. WWE had about two more shots to get it right with Dolph Ziggler or Dean Ambrose -- and went with Roman Reigns, the safe, predictable choice. We had a swerve where The Rock helped Reigns win the Rumble -- who had one more guy to beat ANYHOW because "Rusev was never actually eliminated". Of course, neither was Curtis Axel -- but who gives a shit about Axel, right? Anyhow, Reigns wins the match after the Rock's interference which makes no sense whatsoever except that The Rock "was reported to be here". The crowd booed louder than when Batista won it last year -- and they were already pissed after Bryan exited. On top of that, the roster is SO dried up, they scraped the barrel for some of these people: I don't know about you, but The Boogeyman, Zack Ryder, Curtis Axel, Sin Cara and Adam Rose don't get me going. DDP and Bubba Ray belong here. The forementioned do not. The results (followed by the person who dumped them) are below.
- The Miz (Bubba Ray)
- R-Truth (Bubba Ray)
- Bubba Ray Dudley (Bray Wyatt)
- Luke Harper (Bray Wyatt)
- Bray Wyatt (Big Show/Kane)
- Curtis Axel (Erick Rowan, I guess)
- The Boogeyman (Bray Wyatt)
- Sin Cara (Bray Wyatt)
- Zack Ryder (Bray Wyatt)
- Daniel Bryan (Bray Wyatt)
- Fandango (Rusev)
- Tyson Kidd (Daniel Bryan)
- Stardust (Roman Reigns)
- Diamond Dallas Page (Rusev)
- Rusev (Roman Reigns)
- Goldust (Roman Reigns)
- Kofi Kingston (Rusev)
- Adam Rose (Rusev)
- Roman Reigns (WINNER)
- Big E (Rusev)
- Damien Miz-dow (Rusev)
- Jack Swagger (Big Show)
- Ryback (Big Show/Kane)
- Kane (Roman Reigns)
- Dean Ambrose (Big Show/Kane)
- Titus O'Neil (Rusev/Ambrose)
- Bad News Barrett (Dolph Ziggler)
- Cesaro (Dolph Ziggler)
- Big Show (Roman Reigns)
- Dolph Ziggler (Kane/Big Show)
Reigns celebrates as Triple H and Steph come out to watch.
OVERALL: **. Not even the title match saves this. Not when you consider that the title will be on a guy who won't be on TV after tomorrow night. My advice: have Rollins cash in that case ASAP.
Er, that's it.