DDP Yoga Link

Friday, April 26, 2013

Book Review: "It's Good to Be the King...Sometimes."






Jerry Lawler has certainly experienced a lifetime in the last seven months. It was an absolutely surreal moment when "The King" suffered a near fatal heart attack on air at the September 10, 2012 Raw. He defied the odds, pulled down the strap, and made a remarkable recovery. With all those fuzzy feelings fostering inside me for the King, I felt I would be inclined to give Jerry Lawler's biography a good rating, figured I would enjoy the book and the remarkable journey of a remarkable wrestler and personality.

I was wrong.

"It's Good to Be the King...Sometimes" is probably one of the worst volumes the WWE has published....and that covers a lot of ground...which, trust me, you are going to see in my next few reviews. It just seems impossible that a wrestler as renown and decorated as Jerry Lawler would have anything but a spectacular biography. I am saddened to report that this is not the case.

This is going to be a bit of a different review, as I just cannot bring myself to recap the career of the man. The big reason is that Lawler does a spectacularly shitty job himself in the book. Instead, I will try to hit on some of the main points and narratives offered in the book.

Lawler grew up in a fairly nondescript middle class home that moved from Memphis to Cleveland and back to Memphis again all while Jerry was still a child. Young Jerry Lawler was not a model student, except for one exceptional skill: art. Lawler is an incredible artist, which is shown throughout the book in the form of some of his illustrations. Unfortunately, these are the best written parts of the book.

Jerry's wrestling career began in a most unorthodox way. As a youngster, he would send some of his drawings to the offices of Memphis wrestling, and to the young man's shock, announcer Lance Russell actually displayed some of Lawler's work on the air. Memphis wrestling legend Jackie Fargo was impressed by these illustrations, and invited the impressionable artist to help decorate a club he owned in town. From there, Jerry Lawler would never look back, as he was now neck deep into the wrestling industry.

Lawler was not exactly a womanizer in school, but once he had that first taste...forget about it. His first girlfriend became pregnant when Jerry was just beginning to engage in the mat wars, and he became a father at 21...and again 10 months later. Quite the fertile couple. One of those offspring was Brian "Grandmaster Sexay" Christopher (Lawler). Jerry was not exactly thrilled by this, but he married the girl, and made an absolutely unfathomable decision at such a young age: he got a vasectomy.

While Jerry was married, this did not stop his young, budding, womanizing ways, and he makes no bones about it in the book. He makes some veiled references to marital infidelities early on, but nothing too much in detail. Just keep that in mind for later.

Lawler was basically a sensation in Memphis, which led to a feud with his childhood idol Jackie Fargo. Lawler made an off the cuff remark about Fargo being the "King" of Memphis wrestling, and when Lawler defeated Fargo in a highly publicized match, Jerry Lawler became Jerry "The King" Lawler.

There is a rather funny story about Jerry's crown early on in the book. One night he forgot his crown somewhere, and another wrestler who was using a "King" gimmick offered the use of his to Jerry. This wrestler died in a plane crash the next week. This happened again down the road, only the wrestler lending the crown this time died in a horrific auto accident. Since then, Jerry has always made sure to have his own crown at all times, lest the "Curse of the Crown" rear its ugly head again and kill another wrestler.

Now, while the stuff about his early career is excellent and pretty detailed, the rest of the book just falls off a cliff from here. The only exception are the chapters on Andy Kaufman. I hope to GOD people reading this know who Andy Kaufman was, and his importance in pro wrestling. I will assume you do, and spare all the details. Jerry did not want to break kayfabe or tarnish the legacy he had with Kaufman, but seeing the book was published in 2002, post "Man on the Moon" , Jerry offers his insight to the whole thing. It was a total work, but Andy was a very enigmatic person (fuck Jeff Hardy). The matches in Memphis were one thing: scripted to a degree, with some leeway. But the David Letterman appearance was something different altogether. Lawler was in the dark on what Andy was EXACTLY going to do, only having a very broad, general idea of what was supposed to occur. The coffee throwing? The slap? All improvised, left to Jerry to figure out what the enigma Kaufman wanted. And if you watch that today, it is still a tremendous piece of business, as Letterman is practically wetting himself as all of this occurs. The matches at the Mid South Coliseum drew big time sellouts and made Lawler much dinero (as he and Jerry Jarrett had basically taken over the territory by strong arming Nick Gulas out of the area when he tried to push his untalented son George past the bounds of all sanity), and Kaufman never once demanded any money from the King. Lawler gave him checks, but they were never cashed. It proved to be kind of a bittersweet swan song for Kaufman, for he died shortly after from lung cancer. As a quick aside, that the WWE Celebrity Wing of the Hall of Fame does NOT have Andy Kaufman in it is a joke. OK, I know the WWE Hall of Fame IS a joke, but no celebrity has EVER had the impact and the passion for the business as Andy Kaufman did. Bar none.

Now, Lawler basically skips over most of his great eighties stuff. He gleans over the Von Erich/Hennig/AWA stuff in like two paragraphs, which is a goddamned shame. He doesn't mention the money distribution problem with Gagne over WrestleClash. He barely talks about Hogan in Memphis. I mean, he just basically jumps from Kaufman right to the WWF. And even here its choppy.

One item Lawler does clear up is the rumor of someone, upon his entry to WWF, shitting in his crown. He confirms it, but has no idea who it was.

So Lawler enters McMahon Land. He is programmed with Bret Hart following King of the Ring 1993. Lawler seems to suffer from selective memory, as he mentions the King of the Ring beatdown on Hart at the coronation ceremony....and then jumps to the Kiss My Foot Match two years later. No mention of SummerSlam 1993, no mention of the buildup to Survivor Series 1993 in BOSTON, and CERTAINLY no mention of the rape charge that was dropped but kept him out of said Survivor Series. Not even his return at WrestleMania X (which, as a young 13 year old fan back then, I was PISSED when Lawler showed up there. Sign of a good heel). Nope, none of that...straight to the Kiss My Foot match, with a quick backpedal to the Piper match at KOTR 1994, which Lawler says is the stiffest he has ever been involved in.

Here is where the train jumps off the rails. Lawler doesn't go too in depth about his WWE run, besides his respect for Jim Ross. Expecting witty banter about Vince McMahon, particularly the whole "McMemphis" storyline? Not there. I am going to skip over a bit of the stuff Lawler prints, and get to the nitty gritty of this book.

Lawler has never done drugs, and has never drank. That is admirable in an industry where those two vices seem to run rampant. Lawler himself states in the book that he has one vice: Sex. The Lawler you may remember during the Attitude Era, carping on and on and ON about the Divas and their "Puppies?" THAT is a shoot. Lawler is a depraved sex addict, and if you need further proof, well, this book is for you. Lawler was married twice before coming to WWE, and even while married, his sexaul dalliances were almost deviant and depraved. This guy is a fucking sicko. He has a whole chapter devoted to some of his printable sexual exploits and the divas, past and present, that he would like to fornicate with. It is absolutely unreal how fucked up Lawler is in this fashion. Keep in mind, many of these dalliances occurred when he was married. He talks of a time he got a blowjob in the back of a limo from two ring rats, and when they left the limo, the voyeur limo driver, sweat dripping off of his brow, turns to the king and says...and i basically quote from the book..."Mista Lawla..you da man...those bitches be slurpin you fo an houa...you is tha King." Witty repartee there. Lawler talks about wanting to bang Sunny, Missy Hyatt (he didn't...is he the only one who hasn't?) and Terri Runnells. He married Stacy Carter...who might I add, was pretty damn hot in her WWE run...and life seemed good. To quote Mel Brooks, "Its Good to be the king."

Then No Way Out 2001 happened. For my money, that is the greatest non Wrestlemania PPV the WWE has ever produced. Every match had something, and stars abound, particularly the three stages of hell HHH-Austin match. On that PPV, Steven Richards defeated Jerry Lawler in a match that if Lawler had won, his wife, The Kat, would have gotten naked that night. The RTC (Right to Censor) abducted Kat, and she was never heard from again on WWE TV. The next night, Vince fired Kat...for reasons never known. Maybe it was the fact that her only marketable skill was the possibility of nudity (see Armageddon 1999). Maybe because she was long time good employee Lawler's wife. Whatever the case may be, she was shitcanned, and Jerry Lawler made the worst possible decision of his life: he walked away from WWE with his wife.

To be truthful, King did as much as he could with his trophy wife, fulfilling as many bookings as the independents would give them. But Stacy, who, Jerry says, was not a girl looking for publicity, didn't HAVE enough publicity anymore. She wanted a divorce, and started cheating on King.

OK, here is where the book gets ridiculous. Jerry Lawler, bastion of great marriage and fidelity, the beacon of what very young blonde bimbo should aspire for, a man who has rampantly cheated on every "soul" partner he has ever had...is DEVASTATED by Stacy Carter's marital betrayal. Its comical. Lawler sounds like a teenager scorned in describing the breakup, and it is absolutely pathetic. But it only gets worse. Stacy leaves him, and Lawler is desperate for young pussy, but now he is 51 years old and off of TV, so his tastes far exceed what reality is about to deal him. He has his agent put out a search for young nubile women to "accompany" him to the ring in his matches and accompany him outside of the ring. Basically, he has his agent set up a fucking Beaver Hunt. It is so lame and pathetic. Dude, you are a man who has been a public figure, famous for years. GO TO A FUCKING BAR OR CLUB. Use your wit, your chops, your pick up lines....anything is preferable to this farce. Christ...it is pathetic.

Believe it or not...THAT is basically where the book ends. You get a quick paragraph on him returning to WWE after Survivor Series 2001, where he took over for Paul Heyman (who was far superior in that color role...may I add). In that instance, as he says, it was good to be the king.

All in all, this is one of the WORST books I have ever read by a wrestler. Jerry Lawler has won more titles than anyone EVER in the industry and has experienced both the highs and lows that go with it. Instead, this book devolves into a bad version of "Desperate Letters to Penthouse." If you want to read into the demise of an all time great, read this book. Otherwise, I will let this quote do the talking:

"It was the first time I had seen Chyna since she left the WWE and we sat down and talked about what went wrong for the both of us. She told me what happened between her and Triple H (and Steph) and I talked about what happened between Stacy and me. We wound up crying and hugging eachother, but she seemed to be stronger and in better shape emotionally than I was."

No wonder he has been a shell of his former self for 10+ years....

101 comments:

  1. The whole Curse of the Crown thing just lends itself to a tasteless but amusing joke about how much better WWF would have been in 1995 if Lawler had borrowed King Mabel's crown.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I read the book and I'm inclined to agree, I've always wondered if he gave Vince McMahon the final draft and he edited the shit out of it like the two twins in "Good Morning Vietnam."

    ReplyDelete
  3. I want to both upvote and downvote this.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I agree that Heyman was far better as a color man that Lawler was.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I thought the book was pretty good....until you got to the part where his wife left him, and he spends the last third or so of it moping. Then it got pretty pathetic....but if you think THIS guy is a sicko, good God what must you think of half the people in Hollywood

    ReplyDelete
  6. I just did for you

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anything with the WWE logo on it is shit.

    Sorry for the short rant, just had to get that off my chest before I started discussing books.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Yeah, I mean, a blowjob from two chicks?


    If that makes you a pervert...I don't wanna be pure.

    ReplyDelete
  9. "I'll tell you what I'd do man... two chicks at the same time, man!"

    ReplyDelete
  10. Better or worse than The Rock's spectacularly awful tome?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Why thank you. I pride myself on my creativity.

    ReplyDelete
  12. If he was really Vince Russo I guarantee you I would have been the first person to every figure out a way to send an uppercut through Disqus.

    ReplyDelete
  13. You know, I drug my friends to see that movie when we were all 15 and it came out. Everyone hated it but me. Low and behold, about 8 years later, all my friends then loved it. It's definitely one of those films you have to have an older, sharper sense of humor for.

    "I celebrate the man's ENTIRE catalog"

    ReplyDelete
  14. Wow, I remember not hating this when it first came out. Though it's funny, because I remember feeling bad for him when Kat left him, and his moping in the book (it was pathetic, but in a way that made me feel bad for him). I apparently forgot ENTIRELY about the pages and pages ahead of the incident where he cheated on past wives.
    Lawler certainly came across as perverted in the book, though, especially his drooling over Terri Runnels' ass. Though who WOULDN'T, at that point? I found the road stories in the book funny, but it was very short on critical analysis. I can't even remember if he defended winning the Memphis title 1800 times and ruling the promotion because he was the booker (certainly the most egregious case of that in wrestling history).

    ReplyDelete
  15. When Mick's book dropped, both my friend I were huge wrestling fans, and picked it up pronto. However, when The Rock's book came out, I steered clear because A] he was what, 25 when he wrote it? And B] he was a good looking guy who came from a pretty well off backround. So I knew it wasn't going to be very good. Sure enough, my friend told me it was written in character, obviously by a ghost-writer.

    Still, I bet the Rock made a pretty penny from it, and I bet that pissed Mick off.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Thanks for the heads up.

    There's a used book store I often go to, and since I love me some wrestling books, I've often considered this one. I thought it'd be a hell of a book. Bummer that it isn't.

    Man, any time I think of Terri, I think of that recent New Jack shoot. I truly hope that nobody who loves Terri ever hears it. I know Jack is Jack, but unless she was a real bitch, I don't think he should have told some of those stories.

    Oh, and can anyone tell me the deal with Lawler & the WWE? I recall Scott once mentioning how the WON talked about hell freezing over now that The King was becoming part of the Federation.

    ReplyDelete
  17. So basically, 15 years from now, when CM Punk: The Book comes out, this is what I should expect.

    ReplyDelete
  18. What's his Diva count these days?

    Maria, Lita....uh, ODB? Or am I think Kennedy?

    ReplyDelete
  19. Must be the PPV after Summerfest.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I'm one of the few people here that puts you over on the BOD! That's why I emailed "Caliber Raped a Kitten" propaganda to every poster here! #RussoLogic

    And on a serious note, if #RussoLogic doesn't become a thing on this site, I'll lose faith in humanity. It's way better than Space Viking Lord Brock Lesnar or The Fuj... whoever he is.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I'm probably in the minority here, but man, Beth Phoenix is amazingly hot. I would be so stoked if I were banging her.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Fuj should call himself Poochie. What? Fuj isn't around? Where's Fuj? I bet he has something pissy to say

    ReplyDelete
  23. I mean... you like dudes.


    Beth Phoenix is built like a dude...


    It makes sense.

    ReplyDelete
  24. The past tense of drag is dragged. Drug? One track mind! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  25. He should go after Chyna. You can't say you've done everything until you've done Chyna.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Please stay away from Batista's book. It will give you a heart attack.


    (or, if you're looking to commit suicide, Diana Hart's book works quicker)

    ReplyDelete
  27. I'm thinking that if I'm 22 and already 2 kids deep, a vasectomy isn't all that unfathomable.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I haven't read the book, so maybe there's worse, but if a blowjob from 2 chicks in a limo is depraved sexual deviancy then you are considerably more conservative than I am.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Foley's first book says "Fuck You."

    ReplyDelete
  30. Yeah I remember saying to my brother at the time, what could Rocky possibly have to say to fill a book at this stage of his career?
    It was just such an obvious cash grab.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Yeah, a girl once did a rail of crushed up valium off my hangdang, so I'm gonna need grander stories to believe him depraved. But perhaps Chris didn't want to focus on all that.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Dammit! You listen here, you see that gray thing next to my name? That means I have POWER! You don't go correcting me in public! I see you have a child, well, one more outburst like this and not only are you banned, but he's banned too, bucko!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Having interacted with the King on several occasions, I can tell you he's a really nice guy and funny as hell every time I've talked to him; that's why I was kinda disappointed in this book. I did get to tell him that Steve Keirn shit in his crown when I saw King a couple of years ago(that's what Paul Bearer told me, anyhow), and his reaction was priceless.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Foley's doesn't count. Foley is God.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I read Batista's (you're right)....haven't (and won't) read Diana Hart's book, but heard plenty. However, if you are the "can't turn away from a train wreck" type, Linda Hogan's book is the all-time low. That book makes Batista's book look like a classic. How she has ANY friends at this point amazes me.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Yeah no kidding. I can only imagine what he must think of the porn industry

    ReplyDelete
  37. I have the New Jack shoot.......3 thoughts come to mind:
    a) No matter how fat I get, I'm NEVER doing ALLI
    b) How many shoot interviews are RF video and New Jack going to do?????

    c) Terri Runnels is nasty as hell (and so is Abdullah btw)...If what New Jack says is true, then Terri Runnels ranks waaaay higher than Lawler on the sicko scale. Some of the stuff New Jack was describing.....yuck. That broad is just plain disgusting.

    ReplyDelete
  38. If I'm not mistaken, he sued them in the 80s (and won) when Harley Race was in WWE as "The King" and they ran Memphis

    ReplyDelete
  39. As an Andy Kaufman fan, I'm going to dispute your claim about no celebrity having the impact or the passion Kaufman did. Kaufman's series with Lawler did not draw the mega numbers it's legend suggests it would have A few regular matches with established guys on the Monday night Mid-South Coliseum shows outdrew the Lawler-Kaufman series, even after the Letterman appearance. The houses were good...but they never came close to setting any records.

    Was he passionate about wrestling? Undoubtedly. More than David Arquette, who donated his entire earnings from WCW to the families of Owen Hart and Brian Pillman? Very debatable, and impossible to answer conclusively. As for the impact on the business? I give you Cyndi Lauper, whose chance meeting with Lou Albano on a airplane led to her involvement in the WWF and the WWF's involvement in her music videos, which in turn led to MTV's interest in the promotion in 1984-1985, which provided a gigantic platform for promoting Hulk Hogan, Mr. T and the first WrestleMania.

    That's not to mention the heightened number of celebrities appearing in the crowd at Madison Square Garden, wrestling becoming cool and hip, and the success of all of that leading to NBC launching Saturday Night's Main Event in place of SNL reruns four/five times a year. Cyndi was, almost indirectly, the unwitting spark who launched the mega success of "Rock n' Wrestling", in the most entirely organic manner possible.

    Even with hindsight, nobody can say for sure...but it's VERY easy when you weigh up all the circumstances that without Cyndi, MTV wouldn't have been interested, and without MTV, the WWF would have seen a success on the same scale they did as far as WrestleMania went. There'd have been no mainstream coverage, no NBC, and no follow-up. Even in WWE's joke of a Hall of Fame, Kaufman should be in, the Bruno Sammartino of the celebrity wing...but he had NOWHERE near the far-reaching impact that Lauper had.

    ReplyDelete
  40. ODB was Kennedy. Punk had Maria, Lita, Daffney, Beth, Traci Brooks, I think Becky Bayless ("Cookie" from TNA), and probably some I'm missing. This in addition to God knows how many ring rats.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Disqus = Discuss.. That had not ocurred to me.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Seriously guy, what did the nuns do to you in Catholic school to make you so outraged by a guy being into sex? Yeah its uncool to be married and cheating but that's how it usually goes when you're famous. Some dudes just have needs that can't be met by regular means. And there probably isn't any way a schlub like Lawler would be getting all those girls if he wasn't famous, so it had to be hard for him to resist.

    ReplyDelete
  43. I doubt very much that she does, excepting people who are more interested in the pile of Hulk's money that she's sitting on.

    ReplyDelete
  44. That's it? That's all you'd do?

    ReplyDelete
  45. And besides that had a WWF logo on it.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Calling the Curse of the Crown thing a funny story reminded me of the great Tommy Wiseau in "The Room" laughing at a story about a woman getting beaten up. The Curse of the Crown thing--with people actually dying--is the opposite of funny.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Thought he and Mickie were an item.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Good points. I think Mike Tyson was pretty huge as well. A big factor in saving the company and making Steve Austin.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Even though I know that's what's meant by it, I still can't stop myself from reading "discus" every time I see that, as though there's some obvious correlation between commenting on blogs and ten pound Frisbees.

    ReplyDelete
  50. What did he say??

    ReplyDelete
  51. Is the ODB/Kennedy thing legit?

    ReplyDelete
  52. After Mick's book being so huge, WWF was trying to get EVERYONE to do one. Lawler's was one of them. Maybe some day he'll write another one when he has no attachments to the E.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Yeah they dated for a while when they were both in OVW. She didn't look near as rough then. The years have been hard on her.

    ReplyDelete
  54. i could have wrote this post word for word. I also remember feeling bad for him about kat and apparently forgetting his womanizing and cheating. I didn't think it was bad though. Some good stories to be taken with a grain of salt, as with all wrestling books.

    ReplyDelete
  55. ooh that's a good debate. Tyson or lauper, who was more important? I think WWF was going to be fine without lauper, as they were already on the up and up with Hogan and a new host of talent, but Lauper took them to the next level. Vince put all his eggs in one basket with Tyson. Aesthetically, 97 WWF was pretty good, but financially it was still struggling. With Bret (both in 96 and with WCW in 97) and WCW changing the landscape for contracts, it would have been tough for Vince to hold on to talent without the renaissance that came about with Tyson. It was a bold move and Tyson was so enthusiastic and ESPN, among others, such willing participants in publicizing it, that it was an absolute homerun.


    while Kaufmann was artistically awesome, I'm not sure it revolutionized Memphis or made the territory a giant money maker. With or without Kaufmann it made money on the backs of Lawler and cheap payoffs

    ReplyDelete
  56. Any man that was with Daffney earns my harshest jealousy.

    ReplyDelete
  57. I read the book a few years ago and found the description of Lawler's sex life really annoying. I wouldn't go so far to call it depraved since it wasn't anything extreme but there was this sense of self-importance in how it was described. Even the blowjob story makes sure to add the part with the limo driver at the end making that comment since Lawler is apparently such a machine that it took him ages to finish even with two girls doing the job.


    I get that banging ringrats was part of the game for him but I didn't really care to read about him bragging about it like a high school kid and totally glossing over some of his in-ring stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  58. Yeah, I hear about people doing these type of weightloss drugs and I think "Really? REALLY? You'd rather have the fat from food run out of you in an uncontroable liquid than just walk for 30 minutes a day and ease back on the calories a bit?"

    When I was looking for the New Jack shoot preview, I looked on youtube and saw that there was at least 5 or 6. How many stories does this guy have to tell? I will admit though, he is really charismatic and entertaining.

    Agreed, Terri is a total freak.

    ReplyDelete
  59. "Funny story Mark."

    ReplyDelete
  60. Read both. Batista's is...well...yeah. Diana Hart's made me want to gouge my own eyes out and skullfuck myself.

    ReplyDelete
  61. Scream09_HartKillerApril 27, 2013 at 3:40 PM

    That reminds me of a guy I went to school with. He was 25, a virgin, don't think he did a lot of socializing before moving away for school. We tried to befriend him and introduce him to the world and he was blown away that people who aren't dating have sex. He just couldn't fathom it. I took him out one night and after the bar closed a couple of girls asked us to go for Chinese food and hang out at their place. He wasn't in the mood for Chinese food, so he went home, trying to figure out why people would make plans to hang out after 2am. My roommate told me he was blown away when he was told Chinese food and hanging out likely meant sex. Of course that did lead to him insisting we go for Chinese food every night, even lingering outside the restaurant at all hours of the night because he thought the Chinese place was a meet up for loose women.

    ReplyDelete
  62. Knuckleberry PinnApril 27, 2013 at 3:58 PM

    Did the WWF give a kayfabe reason why Lawler was no longer in the '93 Survivor Series match? Did he just pop back out of nowhere at Wrestlemania X?

    ReplyDelete
  63. i had the same issue with Flair and Bret. Both did the "oh i feel so bad" thing, but you could tell they reveled in writing about how many chicks they banged.

    ReplyDelete
  64. Mr. T, Cyndi Lauper and Mike Tyson had a far bigger impact than Andy Kaufman did.

    ReplyDelete
  65. Flair's was AWFUL for that- chapter after chapter of fucking chicks left and right, and then at the very end he's like "oh but guys I totally feel bad about that now". At least Bret showed guilt and disgust with himself from the beginning ("why did I agree to marry her if I knew I couldn't be faithful?"). Both were, of course, terrible people for what they did.

    ReplyDelete
  66. What kind of shit did he say about Terri? I have no doubt she's a bit weird (she had sex with Dustin Rhodes. VOLUNTARILY.), I also have little doubt that New Jack would just lie and make up shit. He IS a worker, after all.

    ReplyDelete
  67. Yeah, I was all "Kaufman, huh?" when Cooch wrote it up there, but didn't really think about it. But Lauper & Tyson were both much more important to wrestling's fame- Kaufman just helped out a regional territory and got some mainstream attention.

    ReplyDelete
  68. I haven't heard about Batista's, aside from him admitting to banging Melina while I think all three people involved in that triangle were under contract.

    Melina also has to be one of the quicker flame-outs in wrestling. She was all hyped at first, Mick Foley was constantly playing her up and wanting her to be famous (so much that people started legit thinking he was banging her), and within a year or two she was ultra-hated and left WWE.

    ReplyDelete
  69. I think he was "suspended" or something. They certainly didn't mention the legit reasons on TV. Though I remember laughing later because somebody joked that "few in the business were surprised that Lawler would fuck a teenager", so the fact that he was proven innocent surprised a lot of people.

    ReplyDelete
  70. Yeah, Rock's was awful. There was one huge bullshit story about him facing down twenty guys and trying to fight, until his dad broke it up. I also loved his talking about the "Adversity" he faced, especially when he revealed that his wrestling training pretty much consisted of having his own personal trainer, then getting to show off for Uncle Pat Patterson in a private showing.

    ReplyDelete
  71. Darren can probably fill you in on the rest, but from what I saw, Jack had to be telling the worst story.

    So, New Jack is on this weight loss drug that takes all the fat you eat, and turns it into a liquid that leaves your body involuntary. And, you can imagine where the liquid leaves out of, right? Well, Jack went on in great detail about how Terri loves to eat ass, and she's an ass eater and such. He says one day she's doing this, and he looks back and said she looked like she'd just eating a fudge popsicle. She cleaned herself off, wiped New Jack's ass, and went back to town.

    1 girl, 1 New Jack, 1 cup

    ReplyDelete
  72. At least Linda's book was written by a professional. Diana Hart's prose makes Meltzer look like Shakespeare.

    ReplyDelete
  73. I guess CM Punk is the kind of person to release a book in 2028, but that's like a band releasing a vinyl album today.

    ReplyDelete
  74. No joke. He either sounds like he had some social disorder or he was uber-religious. (In before somebody says "they're the same thing")


    Like seriously, that guy probably needed psychological help.

    ReplyDelete
  75. The porn industry is as much about sex as wrestling is about MMA.


    I of course am a huge fan of both porn and wrestling.

    ReplyDelete
  76. before and after the weight loss.


    she is just fucking hot.

    ReplyDelete
  77. it can be debated.

    but kaufman was wayyyy ahead of the curve.

    ali (from the stories ive read in books) was smart to wrestling but kaufman "got it".



    not saying the other didnt do the same... just kaufman ahead of his time.

    ReplyDelete
  78. Kaufman was awesome, but the other three had a far bigger impact. Cyndi Lauper launched Rock-n-Wrestling, Mr. T helped launch Wrestlemania, and Tyson helped WM 14 do a monster buyrate and give the WWF serious momentum in the Monday Night Wars.

    ReplyDelete
  79. Other than Foley books, has there been any good WWE one printed? I'll read any wrestling bio. Off the top of my head, Edge, Lita, the Hardys, Dustin Rhodes and Flair were all crap -- like they were ghostwritten by people who only used Apter magazines as the source material. Sidenote, the Terry Funk bio was great considering I was indifferent about him as a performer. Reading that book gave me a whole new outlook on him.

    ReplyDelete
  80. I believe the quote was (laughing) "I'm gonna kill that alligator motherfucker!"

    ReplyDelete
  81. The Ghost of Faffner HallApril 27, 2013 at 10:03 PM

    ...or Summer of Slam.

    ReplyDelete
  82. What movie is that from?

    ReplyDelete
  83. I am a huge fan of both forms of art as well! (I draw the line at Chyna however....some things even I can't defend)

    ReplyDelete
  84. Maybe.....but it was still horrible.....and not in a "so bad its good" kinda way. Hulk (a known liar) definitely met his match with Linda

    ReplyDelete
  85. Yeah.....I think I'd rather just be fat than have fat dribble out of my ass....thanks but no thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  86. Foley's first book was awesome....unfortunately, its been all downhill

    ReplyDelete
  87. Yeah....pretty much my thoughts exactly

    ReplyDelete
  88. Plus, it was hilariously ghostwritten and missed even super obvious moments that probably meant a lot to The Rock (like Rocky Johnson joining him in the ring at Mania). And the "talk like The Rock" sections were awful.

    ReplyDelete
  89. Chyna is the worst thing that's ever happened to misspelled names, wrestling, porn, X-Pac and the United States in general.

    ReplyDelete
  90. I'll bet you anything that Lawler was more like De Niro in the limo in Once Upon A Time In America.

    ReplyDelete
  91. I wish I could upvote my own posts.

    ReplyDelete
  92. Yeah, I read it as "discus", and I've wondered why it's called that.
    I'm a little slow on the uptake sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
  93. I haven't seen it. I don't really keep up with the pictures.

    ReplyDelete
  94. Worse than a multi-time torn asshole? Because that sounds bad.

    ReplyDelete
  95. Bro, srsly, like, you'd start 15 accounts just to upvote me that many times.

    Bro.

    ReplyDelete
  96. I have 2 kids now and am fucking exhausted. I'm thinking if I'm 22 and already 2 kids deep, CASTRATION isn't all that unfathomable :-)

    ReplyDelete
  97. Audio version is a whole lot better, because it doesn't get into the bad stuff and talks about the old wrestling promotion he first worked at in a broken down movie theater. The Kaufman stuff was good too. If his heart attack wasn't a work, I'm praying this guy finds the truth of the gospel and gives up on the sex. For the wages of sin is death.

    ReplyDelete
  98. Kaufman was big for the era. Kaufman worked everybody outside of wrestling, inside of wrestling. I mean the guy was a big work, and sometimes I even wondered if his death wasn't a work. Andy loved to work people. The guy still gets coverage today, because he loved to work people. He worked a fake wedding, a fake girlfriend, a fake fight with an ex on one of his talk show specials. He was the biggest heel on Saturday Night Live and got voted off the show. He wanted to get into wrestling, where he would just fit in. I'm sure he actually did die of cancer, but he was always working people.

    ReplyDelete