Skip to main content

WCW Saturday Night: December 7, 1996

Pneumonia’s no fun, but WCW Saturday Night is! At least sometimes. Well, occasionally. Whatever the case, it’s better than pneumonia! Off to the Cyborg Factory.

TONY SCHIAVONE and DUSTY RHODES can’t WAIT but to talk about the MATCH OF THE DECADE between Piper and Hogan, which will top the MATCH OF THE DECADE between Savage and Hogan last month. Also, Dusty is eternally confused by Sting, Woman, and Benoit. Like, together?


SGT. BUDDY LEE PARKER vs. CHRIS JERICHO

Where the hell has Parker been for like 10 months? Is Lt. James okay? Will the State Patrol re-unite, or has there been a change in management at the old USA Police Station? And is Jack Boot secretly Buddy Lee’s evil twin brother? It’s like nWo Sting, on a Worldwide level of controversy. Dusty makes a bold prediction: Jericho’s on the doorstep of stardom. There are nuggets of wisdom under those chins. Jericho hits Sweet Chin Music to send Jack Boot Parker to the floor, and follows with a plancha. Back in, a hot shot changes EVERYTHING. To the point Tony starts comparing the Sarge to Roddy Piper. I’m not kidding. A kneedrop leads to a headlock, but Jericho’s out quickly and hits a release German. Spinning heel kick is followed by the Lionsault, but Jericho stops to yell “COME ON BAYBEEE!” Missile dropkick finishes at 4:17. That match was shockingly froot. **

TONY SCHIAVONE interviews Jericho, stopping him before he hits the pay windah. That’s rude. Jericho says WCW is not going to sit down and take this nWo invasion lightly, and as soon as WCW nominates a leader, he’ll stand behind them. Ok, so Hall fired the first shots over 6 months ago, and WCW hasn’t taken the time to nominate a leader. What do you guys talk about in the locker room?

THE ARMSTRONG BROTHERS vs. THE AMAZING FRENCH CANADIANS (with Colonel Robert Parker)

The Canadians stop everyone to sing the National Anthem, and they’re actually on point with the music. Big steps, which are lost when Tony Schavione can’t SHUT UP. These Quebecers from 1996 are completely wrong; but I guess you can’t have them demonizing Canada while waving the Quebec flag because the politics of separation might be lost on the crowd at Diznee. Make no mistake though; if they’d walked out in Canada carrying around a poster of Jacques Parizeau and Lucien Bouchard, they’d draw more heat than this Rusev/Putin thing today, I kid you not. Quebec Crash wins at 2:09. *

The crew is halted by TONY SCHIAVONE. Colonel Parker is now “Ker-nelle Par-kerre”, doing his best French impression of someone doing a French impression. Kernelle promises the whole world will be Parlez Vous Francais by the time they’re done. Done what?

BUNKHOUSE BUCK vs. RICK STEINER

Who did I upset? I’m REALLY sorry. Please don’t do this. Awww hell, nobody dies on the way to the ring, this is happening. Belly to belly overhead starts matters for Rick, while Tony reminds us about 800 times that Roddy Piper is not a part of WCW’s roster. Good to know he’s the man charged with saving WCW in that case. Meanwhile, Dusty starts speculatin’ on Sting’s gameplan. He decides it’s mysterious. Steinerline finishes at 2:24. DUD

In a segment I typically ignore in these recaps, “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND pimps his hotline. Today’s big news, an “Icon” might be “Calling It Quits” and “Going Elsewhere”. Well, if that’s true, it’s unfortunate, and we’ll all miss the Booty Man.

KEVIN SULLIVAN (with Jimmy Hart) vs. PRINCE IAUKEA

If you’ve seen one Saturday Night match with Kevin Sullivan, you’ve seen them all. Toss over the guardrail, toss into the ringsteps, toss into the ringsteps, Jimmy Hart cackle, toss into the ringsteps, double stomp in the belly welly, win at 1:41. DUD

The winners are invited to a chat with TONY SCHIAVONE, and Sullivan immediately starts in on Benoit. Tony stops him because he’s been handed another MYSTERIOUS TAPE that they’re just dying to play RIGHT NOW.

It’s a home video of WOMAN and CHRIS BENOIT. They’re sipping wine, and Woman’s giggling about the fact she’s not with her parents or in the Keys. She warned Kevin to stop hurting Benoit in Baltimore and one more shot meant it was over. And by over, she means over sista. She reminds Kevin that it’s not the 50’s, she has the right to vote and drive, and she’ll do what she wants whenever she wants. Benoit laughs that he hasn’t made any of the same mistakes Sullivan made, and it’s time he got some sense kicked into him. He brags about being the best chess player, but Benoit bishop just took Sullivan’s queen. NOT REMOTELY UNCOMFORTABLE. (I was initially going to insert a screencap here of how incredibly creepy this entire thing was in retrospect of … well, everything, but I realized there are some people who probably would prefer not to see it – so I’ve linked it here instead and you can choose.)

Back to the live arena, Sullivan’s eyes are welled up, and he bolts.

JEFF JARRETT vs. JOHN BLITZ

John Blitz is a fantastic wrestling name. In fact, I’m a big fan of the light blue lightning bolt down the side, and am completely disgusted at the ease Jarrett wipes the floor with him – including lying across the top ropes like a hammock. Tony spews his love for Jeff Jarrett, because of respect, tradition, family, 1905! Of course, Jarrett’s wrestling the entire match like a heel, but that’s just history! Speaking of history, John Blitz. :-( … figure four at 3:35. *1/2

RIC FLAIR and TONY SCHIAVONE hook up to promote the upcoming Nitro in Charlotte. He declares that Piper’s a man. Did he peak under the kilt to confirm? Together, they’ll walk the aisle! Different strokes.

Even though I’ve seen the commercial dozens of times, this one still slays me every time.


 

HIGH VOLTAGE vs. THE FACES OF FEAR

Now I’m amped! I even get pre-recorded comments! Concerning Hall and Nash, they grunt a lot. That’s fantastic. Dusty: “Tony I need to correct you a moment, you said the belts belong with the Faces of Fear, well that’s not true. They belong with the better team, the winners if you will. And that is not High Voltage.” That was an incredibly mean spirited burn; you’re alright Dusty Rhodes. Barbarian beats the tar out of Kenny Kaos. He desperately tags Rage, but Barbarian doesn’t care, he keeps beating up Kaos anyway. Rage tries to double team Barbarian, so he just clotheslines both of them. The price tag of that disrespectful attack is Meng – who promptly beats Rage into the mat. Barbarian comes back in to choke Rage, which draws a stern warning from the referee. Meng chops Rage in the corner, showing no rage of his own, just business. A bored spike piledriver gets 2 – only saved by a diving Kaos. That’s cool, Barbarian has a powerbomb with his name all over it. Kaos saves again. Dude, you trying to cripple your partner? Barbarian punches Kaos in the face just cuz, and drags Kaos back to the corner of Fear for more pain. Now Meng hits him with a sitdown powerbomb, which Kaos saves, so Barbarian clotheslines him in the face. Wonderful. Rage finally gets to his corner, but can’t find Kaos, so he dives off the top, right into a Kick of Fear from Meng for the win at 4:55. I cannot get enough of this stuff. ***

Over on nWo Saturday Night … we have a repeat challenger!

“PISTOL” PEZ WHATLEY
Height: 6’1”
Weight: 299 lbs.
Reach: 32”
Fist: 18”
Hometown: Chattanooga, TN
Pro Record: 99-76
Doughboy look-a-like winner
The largest small man in wrestling

“PISTOL” PEZ WHATLEY vs. MARCUS BAGWELL (for the WCW United States heavyweight title)

Pistol Pez was last seen just two weeks ago on the November 23 edition of Saturday Night. In fact, he’s introduced as the only person to ever come back for more. Bagwell is defending the US title here for god knows what reason, and is also peeling off his shirt for all the “young teeny bops” out there. Your ring announcers are the OUTSIDERSSYXX is the ring announcer, and DOCTOR X has been given referee duties – further proof he could NOT be Nick Patrick as Patrick has been MIA for ages. Bagwell flexes, which Nash calls a “nice double bichat”. He turns around to show off his back, and Hall gushes over those lats. Whatley gets in a scoop slam, and poses – which upsets everyone involved because this is an nWo segment. Bagwell launches him into the buckles, which causes deep vertebrae trauma. A swinging neckbreaker is all she wrote at 3:10. Nash congratulates Bagwell on his 1-0 winning streak. Whatley goes over to the Outsiders to ask if he’s getting paid, and Nash vows it’s in the mail.

DAVE TAYLOR vs. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE

Taylor nearly chokes on the Saturday Night smoke machine, angrily waving it away as he makes his way through the door. He should have given it a European Uppercut. DDP is on a hot-streak, and I’m FAIRLY sure he’s only lost one match since May (to Guerrero at the Clash) – so it’s unfortunate that he’s been put in this unwinnable position against Taylor. The Squire wrings the arm, but Page reverses and throws some shoulder blocks. Dusty notes, for the first time amongst the announcers, that the fans are actually cheering DDP. Tony figures it’s the Diamond Cutter that’s won them over. Page hits a backdrop suplex for 2, and that’s enough for Taylor, who throws TWO European uppercuts! Then a third! Sweet mother of God, how is Page expected to win let alone LIVE? The referee starts admonishing Taylor for the uppercuts, but Taylor makes a clear demonstration that those were hands, not closed fists, repeating it slowly for the dimwitted ref. A boot to the face sets up a vertical suplex – and it looks like Taylor’s got this match in hand. A fourth European uppercut is launched like a missile, and there is no stopping this English-bred machine. But then – Taylor grabs a TV from ringside, and it EXPLODES! That allows DDP to hit the pancake, and finish with the Diamond Cutter at 6:06. **

TONY SCHIAVONE has a nagging question on his mind about Page and the nWo. Page figures he should be flattered since the nWo’s biggest current recruits are Sting and Page, but he’s not. He works better when he wants to do something, not when he’s told. What he wants is the US title.

ARN ANDERSON vs. “LORD” STEVEN REGAL (for the WCW world television title)

Regal takes issue with the smoke machine much like his compadre – but more importantly he has a big problem with a large number of the fans in the front row; so much so that he stops to lecture several of them, one at a time. It’s the little details that made Regal; hell, even today he still has that range as evidenced by his facial expressions on the NXT post-show last Thursday. Arn works an armlock, but Regal escapes and pops up with a big smirk on his face – only to have it knocked off with a short arm clothesline. He makes a face like he bit into a bad lemon. The ring announcer notes that 5 minutes have already lapsed, which is an impressive feat in only 2 minutes. Regal pokes Arn in the eye, and promptly denies it when questioned. Regal throws a European uppercut, but Arn comes back with an abdominal stretch. No leverage tonight because he’s not a heel. Regal escapes and throws some palm thrusts to Anderson’s face. Arn fires back with a huge right, and gets a close 2. Regal sweeps out the legs, and quickly locks on a crossface – with the occasional palm thrust to the ear. Yowch! Hold released, Regal throws another European uppercut, spears him, and re-applies a crossface with additional palm thrusts. That ear’s got a future as a cauliflower. Arn wiggles loose, and starts throwing wild haymakers, but one European uppercut takes him right back to the mat. The Regal Stretch is applied, but not fully because Anderson is fighting, and Arn makes the ropes. Regal pops up and stomps him repeatedly. To the floor, one minute left is announced, and that seems to wake Arn up. Back in, Anderson punts Regal in the face and goes for a quick DDT, but Regal blocks. A spinebuster puts Regal down … and time runs out at 8:01. Awesome old school brawl. ***1/2

Time is legitimately up, as Tony ushers us off the air. No Worldwide tomorrow? That’s AWFUL! So we’ll shuffle off to WCW Monday Piper, and go about our business. G’night!

Comments

  1. I gotta say, Lana cutting a promo about Mother Russia and saying how no American can beat RUUUUSEVVV and the great Vladmir PUUUUUUUUUTIN only for Lesnar's music to hit...


    Holy shit that would rule

    ReplyDelete
  2. Really liking these reviews. Good job!

    ReplyDelete
  3. You mean like Rosamund Pike? The female lead in Gone Girl? Or Robert Carlyle, guy who earns 10x what you earn a year for one episode of OUAT?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yep. Punk and Bryan didn't benefit from beating Cena. Clearly.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Lesnar lost clean to Eddie Guerrero a month BEFORE Mania. He doesn't give a fuck.

    ReplyDelete
  6. " But then – Taylor grabs a TV from ringside, and it EXPLODES! "

    <3

    ReplyDelete
  7. Best stuff on the whole BOD. Don't quit!

    ReplyDelete
  8. And then Brock showed up tonight in, wait for it, A BRAND NEW T SHIRT!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Caffeine goes direct to your brain!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Yep I've said it for ages - Cena will be still around after WM so having him lose the series to Brock is non productive.


    Do Cena/Reigns - Reigns gets the support that way and a better match.


    If he's fit (and I think he will be) have Brock come out and destroy Bryan the night after the Rumble leading to the epic underdog booking for Mania.


    Throw in HHH vs Sting, blow off Ambrose and Rollins (with Ambrose finally winning), do Orton vs Wyatt, give Ziggler a showcase match (Sheamus?), a tag match, a battle royal and a divas match.



    Card done!

    ReplyDelete
  11. "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYY............" - Maggle

    ReplyDelete
  12. If they were going to have Lesnar disappear until Royal Rumble with the belt, they might as well have waited until Royal Rumble to give him the belt. Doing 3 PPVs with no World Title match is just stupid.

    ReplyDelete
  13. That wasn't a clean lost. Goldberg interfered against Lesnar.

    ReplyDelete
  14. As a kid, Pistol Pez Whatley was one of my favorite wrestlers in JCP.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Except that both are heels and I don't foresee much heel vs heel chemistry between these two.

    ReplyDelete
  16. And.....ruined.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Him cutting Jimmy Valiant's hair was fantastic!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Where in the world do you get that idea about Vince with Cena? Literally, the first thing out of his mouth every week is, "What are we doing with Cena tonight?"

    ReplyDelete
  19. Stan Ford for new head of creative, please.

    ReplyDelete
  20. CFB's reviews are the most entertaining garbage there is on this site.


    I say garbage because he's reviewing garbage, but somehow finds a way to make it funny and/or interesting.


    Also, when he puts DUSTY RHODES' name in bold, I half expect it to read DUTHTAY RHODES. I'm not sure why.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Maybe have Bryan guest ref the RR match as a way to reintroduce him?

    ReplyDelete
  22. Lesnar/Rusev is interesting. It makes Rusev if he goes over.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I have to put this review over.

    Very entertaining read kid.

    Don't get penisy.

    ReplyDelete
  24. That would work beautifully actually.

    You could also throw Rusev into that Sheamus spot against Ziggler and unite the midcard titles.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Bagwell was doing the "Yes!" chant 16 years before Daniel Bryan!

    ReplyDelete
  26. CruelConnectionNumber2December 16, 2014 at 9:40 AM

    The canned heat, "boos", upside down camera and other stuff is pretty funny on nWo Saturday Night. Wrestling being fun and not forced. Total 180 from Raw. It would have Cole and Lawler yelling "THIS IS HILARIOUS! WE ARE TRENDING! HA HA HA, THIS IS GREAT! WHO ELSE DOES THIS? HA HA HA!"

    ReplyDelete
  27. Lesnar kicked out of that pinfall. He had Guerrero beat, until Guerrero countered with a DDT onto a chair and then hit a Frog Splash. That's as clean a victory as you got in that era.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I know what you mean about the forgone conclusion. Everyone knew that Taker was never going to really lose any of his WM matches after Flair. Which why no one gave a shit about HBK challenging Taker and his 2 matches. Taker winning was a foregone conclusion.

    And when we're swerved on what was thought to be a foregone conclusion, well, it just doesn't make sense (not since 1991, anyway) Why would they change something so obvious? It was clearly going in a certain direction, which no one would care about since they see it coming a mile away, to a swerve that makes no sense because the original ending that you could see coming a mile away was the logical conclusion of the feud/push/match. This is, in a nutshell, why WWE sucks these days and can't run a business. I'll still watch it though.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Never heard of em.


    In all seriousness, leave them off the card and have them both come back the next night like "what the fuck? You guys booked some new jacks like Owens & Zayn and the Ascension, but not US???" Then have the Ascension take exception to it and beat Show/Kane to retain their newly-won tag titles.


    Because fuck Big Show and Kane at this point.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment