Monday, January 5, 2015

BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE



Backstage, GM Bayless and the administration are sitting at a banquet table on folding chairs in the corner as Archie Stackhouse and the Riverdale Covenant have taken over his office. GM Bayless looks into the camera and delivers a speech:

"With just ten competitors named for the BoD Rumble, I have decided to automatically include the other singles champions, meaning that "Marvelous" Matt Perri, DBSM, and Hart Killer will all be in the BoD Rumble Match. 

And for tonight, the BoD Six Man Tag Team Titles will be on the line as the Job Mob takes on Adam Curry & Kyle Warne & Cabspaintedyellow. Plus, the Finals of the BoD Tag Team Tournament will take place as Strike Force takes on Curtzerker. The winner will not only get a future title shot but also spots in the BoD Rumble. 

That is not all as we will have more BoD Rumble qualifying matches and much, much more (GM's phone rings). Okay, I have to take this and go but I will be back and in my office. Archie Stackhouse, this will be the last of you in the BoD. You and you're covenant. 



Dr. Facts is in the ring, fresh off his tour of Japan. He has a match but Cultstatus has come out to the ring. Cult boots down Dr. Facts then flattens him with a jackknife powerbomb. Cult then tosses Dr. Facts outside of the ring and grabs the mic:

"Last week, you all saw me defeat Parallax. And that is because no one else in the BoD is on my level. I won the very first BoD Rumble last year by going the distance and only lost the title due to a fluke win. So Jef Vinson, come on out here as I show everyone how your win against me was nothing more than a fluke. You can even bring out your valet as I am sure she will help you up when you lose so you can go back to posting GIF's on a blog. Now show us how you are a big boy and come on out."

Vinson and his valet come down to the ring. His valet gives him a mic:

"Cult, I respect you. But my win was not a fluke. And if you think that you can defeat me just like that then you are sadly mistaken. And if you want to go at it tonight (takes off ring jacket) then someone better ring the damn bell (Mister E Mahn, A+++ Timekeeper, raises his head over the 68 trophies and awards on his desk and goes to ring the bell but Assistant GM and Director of Operations and Paper Goods walks out)

Justice Gray grabs the mic:

" I am under strict orders from the GM to not add to tonight's show. However, we do need a main event for next week so at that show, we will have Jef Vinson vs. Cultstatus as the main event. GM Bayless has left for a while as he had to take care of a personal matter but will be back shortly and he wants me to tell you all that The Administration, not Archie Stackhouse and the Riverdale Covenant, are the ones in charge."

So there you have it, your main event for next week and it is a huge match.



BoD Six Man Tag Team Championship Match
Job Mob vs. Adam Curry & Kyle Warne & Cabspaintedyellow

Zanatude is holding all six of the belts to the ring. The Job Mob are in the ring but the challengers all run full speed into the ring and attack the champs. The action spills outside as the Job Mob are getting beat down. Curry is taking it to Big Dirty Murph as the rest of the competitors are back in the ring. Match settles down in the ring now as Warne is beating on Chartock. Zanatude knees Warne from the Apron then Murph clotheslines him down as Curry goes nuts and runs in and knocks Murph to the floor! Both men are slugging it out as the referee hops out and rings the bell as he is unable to contain both of these guys. Zanatude runs over and takes all of the belts as assorted jobbers and White Coat Security members try to break up Murph and Curry. These two are refusing to stop but are finally contained. I am going to guess that we have not seen the last of these two fighting.



GM Bayless has already arrived back to the arena. He tells Justice Gray that he brought in the one person to help him fight the psychotic Archie Stackhouse. He then tells Bill Ray that he has a match next and that he will be in his corner.



Bill Ray w/ GM Bayless vs. Phrederic

The "Chosen One" of the administration is set to face a steady hand in the BoD, Phrederic. Match starts with both guys jockeying for position over a lockup. Ray breaks cleanly but quickly catches Phrederic with a knee. Ray whips Phrederic against the ropes but misses a clothesline and gets caught with a leg lariat. Phrederic snaps off a hurricarana as Ray regroups outside. The GM gives him some pointers then Ray heads back inside and slugs it out but loses that battle. The GM then yanks Phrederic down as that allows Ray the chance to take the advantage. I don't think Ray saw that happen. Ray then drops an elbow and softens up Phrederic until he gets the win with a Dragon Suplex. The GM then enters the ring to raise the hand of his protege as the crowd boos.



And now, lets look at how Jobber trained this week for his upcoming match against Abeyance:

We are at the Job Mob Compound

Jobber: (Lifts up head after snorting a few lines of blow off of a stripper's ass.) Fuck, did I forget to show up at the BoD Rumble?
Chartock: (Eating Cereal) No, its not for another three weeks. 
Jobber: Dude, how can you eat cereal after snorting all that blow. 
Chartock: (surprised) Um, you are the only one snorting blow right now. Murph and Zanatude are busy planting non-lethal landmines in the ground to fuck with Barlow and Munson
Jobber: Why didn't anyone wake me up for that?
Chartock: You have been up since the end of the Steelers/Ravens game. 
Jobber: Shit, I gotta watch 2009 SummerSlam. Where is the remote?
Chartock: No idea. 
Jobber: (shrugs shoulders) fuck it, I'll go back to training (pulls out a three-foot long bong) BARLOW!!!!!! SPARK ME UP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Barlow: (heard in the distance) coming!!!!!! (after a few seconds, an explosion is heard)
Chartock: Guess he found the landmine. 
Jobber: (laughs) Shit, let's check this out!!!!!!!!!!!!!



BoD Writer's Championship Match
"Marvelous" Matt Perri w/ Miss Danielle vs. Logan Scisco

Miss Danielle gets into Scisco's face and that allows Perri to attack from behind. Perri stays on the attack as Logan struggled to get off his ring jacket, which is a denim Shawn Michaels jacket. Perri hates Logan's gimmick as he stomps away. Miss Danielle claps for her man, who starts to mock the pose of Stranger in the Alps, the man he defeated for the BoD Writer's Championship. Perri acts cocky and that allows Scisco to fight back. Scisco takes Perri down with an armdrag then sends him through the ropes with a dropkick. Perri regroups with his lady but Scisco flies out and takes them both down with a pescado as this is what the world is watching folks. Perri is in trouble as Scisco rolls him back inside and hammers away. Brainbuster gets two as Perri looks woozy. Scisco sets up Perri on the top rope but Miss Danielle steps up on the apron to distract the ref. Scisco stays focused though and hits a superplex but the ref is not counting as he is tied up with Danielle. Scisco now heads over and tells the ref to count the pin but by the time that happens, Perri was able to kick out. Scisco sends Perri back to the corner and tries a monkey flip but Perri blocks that and places Scisco on the top rope. Scisco then boots Perri in the face as Miss Danielle slides her heel across the ring as Perri crawls after it then the ref takes it from him but as that happens, Danielle gets up on the apron and hits Scisco with a low blow. Perri then gets up and slams Scisco before climbing the top rope and hitting the flying elbow smash for the win. What a miscarriage of justice! As Perri and Danielle celebrate by mocking Stranger, the camera shows a dejected Laughing Sting in the rafters, shaking his head in disbelief. He cannot even muster a laugh right now he is so sad. A swarm of bees now arrive to Laughing Sting as he tells them to take him to the ring. What is going on here, folks? Sting then comes down and tells Perri that he is a disgrace as a champion and that he will find someone to take his title away from him, as he does not deserve to hold the belt. Perri and Danielle laugh and say that he better have some insurance. The Bees then take Sting away.



And now, lets check how Abeyance trained for his upcoming title match:

Abeyance and thebraziliankid are at a gym called "Target Fitness"

Desk Attendant: Welcome to Target Fitness, where we help you reach your goal!
Abeyance: I am here to sign up for the gym
Attendant: Okay, I see you applied online so here is your shirt and your target (hands him a little target sticky pad)

Abeyance and TBK are in the gym. They go into the weight room

Big Guy: (Using the bench press) Hey, spot me!!!!!!
Abeyance: Ok (Sits there and does nothing, Big Guy starts lifting)
Big Guy: (tiring) SPOT ME!!!!!!!!!
TBK: I think he wants to see a highspot?
Abeyance: Okay. (Proceeds to attempt a moonsault and accidentally knees the big guy in the groin, who in turn drops the bar on his throat)
TBK: (Looks at Big Guy, who is turning Purple) Wow, you are good at selling?
Abeyance: Yeah, are you Dolph Ziggler! Here, you should reach your target (sticks target on the now passed out guys chest)



Next week's BoD Rumble qualifying matchups include:

Biscuit vs. Mikey Mike
Joe Dust vs. Night 81
Dancin' Devin Harris vs. WWF1987



BoD Tag Team Tournament Finals
Strike Force vs. Curtzerker w/ Biff Kensington III

The HUSS! section is wild tonight, folks. Strike Force comes out in the red Chrysler Lebaron but Hoss comes out from behind and knocks them off of the car. Hoss pummels Strike Force as BKIII slips the referee what appears to be a wad of cash as theberzerker repeatedly yells HUSS!!!!!!!!!! He sees the HUSS! section yell the same thing and is intrigued. The referee starts to count as BKIII and Curtis Williams hold back theberzerker so that he does not get counted out. The referee finally counts to ten as Hoss as laid out BoD Strike Force and Curtzerker wins the match and is now in the BoD Rumble. That god-damned Biff Kensington and his cash. And that is legitimate cash too. BKII grabs the mic:

"You see, you are all looking at greatness. And at the BoD Rumble, my three men will all be entered and will wreak havoc across the BoD. And I dont care what you think and I will bring the Cocaine Rain down on all of you and after the BoD Rumble, when one of my men wins the damn thing, I will bang your mom like a drum and slam your wife like a screen door. Because in Kensington Enterprises, that's how we roll."



Backstage, GM Bayless says that he has found the one person crazy enough to help him defeat Archie Stackhouse. The camera then slowly pans out to reveal.....................................................JESSE BAKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO BoD RAW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!



39 comments:

  1. I want in the Rumble... but just the Rumble. I only do battle royals.

    ReplyDelete
  2. "Yep Mode" Abeyance Brown ©January 5, 2015 at 9:30 PM

    Archie vs Jesse in a gimmick Rumble match, every 90 seconds the match changes to a new gimmick.

    ReplyDelete
  3. "I can only hope our paths cross in the Rumble, Perri. You've been a thorn in the side of the Stranger for long enough. Your behavior is pathetic. You mock pain. You make a title he and I spent months building up into a prop.

    What kind of a star are you, anyway? You and your so-called lady friend have done nothing to prove you deserve to be champion. Oh, you've gotten me mad: I made you run like the coward you are at Survivor Series. And now... perhaps you should heed the words of the Laughing Sting. I'm sure he has a weapon that would destroy you and your reign.

    Maybe it's an old friend. Maybe it's the legend himself. Maybe it's the Stranger again. Maybe it's me. But from now on, look over your shoulder -- and beware the howl of laughter.

    Until the Rumble, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  4. today's lesson: never ask Abeyance for a spot. ever.

    ReplyDelete
  5. [The University of Minnesota wrestling locker room. Biscuit! came back to his alma mater to work with the next generation of mat warriors and to get back to his roots. Mysteriously many wrestlers' bags contain feces]

    Oh, hello. It's always nice to get on the mat with the next generation. Obviously the amateur and professional games are different, but it's great to give back.

    Wrestler: WHICH ASSHOLE SHIT IN MY BAG?!!!

    Biscuit!: Well, of course it was an asshole. Anyway, it's BoD Rumble time, and yours truly will be in the ring next Monday to earn a spot in the Rumble. Biscuit earns everything he gets! Even better, it will be against my old nemesis Mikey Mike. Mikey, you've gone from a stepping stone to the C-List title to a stepping stone to the Rumble. This time, however I won't trip on a jagged rock such as yourself. I don't want to foreshadow my strategy, but check out my purchase on eBay

    [produces an illegal-ass blackjack]

    Yes, this is *the* slapjack used by Stevie Ray! Let's just say I'll join Club Rumble, and I've got 22 to your 21. Ha! How great was that pay per view? See you Monday, Mikey. I'm [smack!] jacked for this match.

    ReplyDelete
  6. The Unstable can't be held down!

    ReplyDelete
  7. *PrimeTimeTen bursts into Bayless' office wearing a fur coat. Off-screen, he has purchased a walk-in humidor.*

    "A-HEM! As a newly-minted member of the exclusive Top Ten club, I think it's time to discuss my booking opportunities around here. I am the most popular Canadian in this joint - even more popular than SCOTT KEITH according to DISQUS, I might add. And it's time to get some recognition."

    *PTT notices that - outside of himself - the office is empty.*

    "GODDAMN IT! Not again..."

    *PTT walks away.*

    "And the door's locked too!"

    ReplyDelete
  8. Theberzerker Von HUSSingtonJanuary 5, 2015 at 9:39 PM

    As the HUSS Section leaves the area, sheets of paper liter the ground where they stood in a rustling white pool. As a light breeze starts to waft through the emptying arena, over the chairs' with fading butt heat now standing alone in their own numerous ranks, a few sheets begin to stir, and glide flipping across the floor. One smacks against the leg of an aging building janitor, who bends down, his head cocked at a curious angle as he tries to understand the word he sees printed on the sheet...


    "#OCCUPYHUSS"

    ReplyDelete
  9. Needs an evil dog with shifty eyes.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Jesse Baker vs. Stackhouse screams BoD Mania.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Theberzerker Von HUSSingtonJanuary 5, 2015 at 9:42 PM

    I am literally giddy with anticipation of the upcoming HOSS/HUSS segments.

    ReplyDelete
  12. (Archie sits at the GM's desk, fingers laced together in a pyramid. The Riverdale Covenant sits crosslegged, in rapt attention as Archie speaks.)


    "Jesse Baker.


    For all the lines I have crossed in my attempts to bring order to the BOD, there has always been a name that I heard only whispers of. A name that Uncle Caliber spat out through profanities in the midst of fits as though possessed by a devil from the depths of his own private hell.


    A man whose writings and logic make Tommy Hall's look the product of Shakespeare mating with Immanuel Kant, a man whose hysterical ravings are unmatched by any this side of Hunter S. Thompson.


    Jesse Baker."


    (Archie gets up and comes around to the front of the desk, looking down at the Covenant like a Kindergarten teacher.)


    "This will be my greatest test, my brothers.


    Baker cannot be reasoned with. He cannot be logically argued with. He cannot be stopped in the face of unassailable evidence.


    No one knows what happened to Baker as a child, brothers. Some say that he was left to be raised by a ring crew, some say that he was the son of an abusive Memphis booking couple, some say that he has been chasing after his stolen puppy last seen in the custody of Vince McMahon.....some say he is the third Rhodes brother.


    I don't know myself, brothers. But make no mistake, Baker is the devil, brothers.


    He will lull you to sleep before his knockout booking roundhouses, so your guard must never be down.


    DO NOT be alone in a room with Jesse Baker if he is able to speak. DO NOT open your email accounts again.....ever."


    (Archie grips the edge of the desk.)


    "I never thought this day would come, my Covenant.


    And I confess to you, my brothers, that there is reason to fear this devil. To fear the entity that is the twisted mind that inhabits that which they call Jesse Baker.


    When Bayless unleashed the monster in me, he thought he had created the ultimate nightmare of the BOD, the end of all things.


    Now, he brings Baker to my doorstep. He risks all in his foolish vendetta.


    Allow me to tell you this, brothers - this changes nothing.


    Bayless, I WILL enter the BOD Royal Rumble.


    I will dispose of any who stand in my way, who stand between me and the BOD championship....including Jesse Baker.


    Covenant, we know our enemy. We must stand together. We must be united.


    We are the Riverdale Covenant! And so, Jesse Baker, welcome back to the BOD. We're ever so pleased to make your acquaintance! Allow us, Mr. Baker."


    (The entire Covenant stands, united behind Archie, speaking in unison.)


    "Welcome to Hell. Welcome....to Riverdale."

    ReplyDelete
  13. It's not going to be wasted on a shitty BoD RAW in Corpus Christi, thats for sure.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm not saying that you have to rip off Warrior/Hogan from Rumble '90, but.....

    ReplyDelete
  15. This has "I'm Batmaaaaaan/I am GROOT!" potential.

    ReplyDelete
  16. HE LIKES ICE CREAM AND HE LIKES TO YELL HUSS!!!!!!!!! TUNE IN AT 800 PM ON NBC FOR ANOTHER EPISODE OF "HOSS & HUSS"

    ReplyDelete
  17. "Yep Mode" Abeyance Brown ©January 5, 2015 at 9:47 PM

    I always here Bray Wyatt's voice in these promos, except I know these promos will lead to something.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Alright, segment and match of the night?

    ReplyDelete
  19. "Yep Mode" Abeyance Brown ©January 5, 2015 at 9:48 PM

    That's going to be the mark out feud for sure.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I worked with Sting. OMG GUISE. All my dreams...have just come true...

    ReplyDelete
  21. Theberzerker Von HUSSingtonJanuary 5, 2015 at 9:49 PM

    Next week, we get jobs as garbage men! If you haven't seen it, it's new to you!

    ReplyDelete
  22. "Yep Mode" Abeyance Brown ©January 5, 2015 at 9:49 PM

    Did he ask if you have insurance?

    ReplyDelete
  23. "Yep Mode" Abeyance Brown ©January 5, 2015 at 9:51 PM

    The Baker reveal was a real cliffhanger.

    ReplyDelete
  24. You mad because you can't beat the ultimate machine? Andy PG, the next time you and I meet, we're gonna beat you with so many foreign objects, you'd think you were wrestling in BELIZE.
    *Crowd mild, not getting "foreign object" joke. Starts chanting for CM Punk for some reason.*

    ReplyDelete
  25. MOTN: Perri - Scisco
    SOTN: the Baker reveal

    ReplyDelete
  26. Not to be biased...the Perri-Scisco match was brilliantly conceived. You have a subtle, humorous wit, Bayless.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Especially liked Abbey's but in the gym. Heh.

    ReplyDelete
  28. More Hoss next week. Too lazy to do a big show tonight. Gotta build up the Rumble and road to BoD Mania

    ReplyDelete
  29. Just the right amount of Hoss. Gotta build other stuff; I'm good. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  30. Shame not everyone can make Hoss sized holes in walls.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I am going back to Japan!!!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Sexy Flexy Biff KensingtonJanuary 5, 2015 at 11:06 PM

    BAKE'D

    ReplyDelete
  33. [A disheveled Zanatude rushes by, his title belts flowing behind him like Kevin Nash's mane.]

    Z: AIN'T GONNA BE NO REMATCH! AIN'T GONNA BE NO REMATCH!

    [...and he's gone. Fade out.]

    ReplyDelete
  34. Daniel Bryan gets left off of WWE Raw, Kiwi gets left off of BoD Raw. Bryan shouldve won the Royal Rumble, but he didnt, Kiwi should win the BoD Rumble but he wont......

    ReplyDelete
  35. Six man title match was nonstop, alls to the walls action.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Charismatic eNegro Jef VinsonJanuary 5, 2015 at 11:17 PM

    *Vinson stands in the ring with a mic. The lights dim as crowd is on his every word.


    Cult, you evolutionary U turn! I'm gonna kick your spine out of alignment next week. How dare you besmirch the greatness that you see before you. I'm gonna..

    *Stops for a second. Takes off sun glasses. Valet looks puzzled.*

    "Vous êtes très bien mon amour?"

    Nah baby. I'm tired of this. We should do something different. It's a new year. A new...

    *Rips off outfit to reveal a powder blue suit*

    A NEW DAY!!!!!!

    *Starts dancing while a crowd turns into a giant choir...only to wake up screaming in a hotel room*


    AUUUUUUUGGGGH I DREAMED I WAS A DANCING NEGRO!!!!

    *Vous avez eu un cauchemar ,amant."



    Yeah, baby. Only a nightmare..


    *Lays back down and goes to sleep*

    ReplyDelete
  37. The scene: Outside the Stranger's log cabin in the Alps. A dogsled is being loaded up in prepartion of bringing Laughing Sting back to the BoD Arena. Stranger has seen to it that Laughing Sting is sent back with several boxes of Stranger's Super Secret Donair Sauce, as well as a six-pack of non-alcoholic beer.


    Laughing Sting: Man, I feel like I wasted all those bees that died along the way. Are you sure this thing called a "plane ticket" is going to get me back in one piece?


    Stranger: Relax, it's not AirAsia. This airline used to belong to Tommy Hall, before the whole e-book crash. It's been pretty dependable since then.



    Laughing Sting: (extending his hand) I apologize for calling you a coward. I was a little harsh and disappointed that I couldn't convince you to come back.



    Stranger: (shaking Laughing Sting's hand) No hard feelings. I'm happy where I am, especially now that you have provided me with log cabin insurance. I had no idea that an avalanche could have taken all of this away.


    Laughing Sting: LOL! Thanks for the donair sauce. I know how hard it is to part with that. The shit's pretty good.......almost as good as you were in the ring. Oh, I almost forgot to five you this. (Laughing Sting reaches into his trenchcoat pocket and pulls out a piece of paper) It's a letter to you from a young fan named Mr. Satan Jr. You were his favorite BoD Superstar. He's a quadriplegic, and can only count to 9, but his penmanship is remarkable.


    (Stranger takes the letter as Laughing Sting gets aboard the dogsled)


    Laughing Sting: Goodbye, Stranger. I guess I'll see you around. (Laughing Sting departs as the sled carries him off)


    Stranger opens the letter from Mr. Satan Jr, which reads as follows:


    DEER STRAYNGER, PLEEZE CUM BACK AND BEET MAT PARRIE.


    LUV, MR. SAYTAN JEWNYER.


    Scene fades to the sounds of Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" as Stranger stares off in Laughing Sting's direction: "If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make a change.....you know it, you know...."

    ReplyDelete
  38. (Bill Ray stands with his baseball bat and Jesse Baker, in a dark alley."
    "Well, well. I told you, Archie- I told you we would teach you fear. And now, we have knocked on the door of the devil, and he has joined our mission! To rid the BoD of you, and your cronies! And when it's all said and done, you will hear one word ringing in your ears!"
    Jesse Baker: "(whispers) Run."
    (Camera cuts out)

    ReplyDelete