With all systems operating within normal designed parameters, and Cyborgs being pumped out at a furious rate, we board the mothaship with our good friends TONY SCHIAVONE and DUSTY RHODES. Dusty vows to talk about Roddy Piper. Good, I was worried.
BUNKHOUSE BUCK and MIKE ENOS (no data in 1997) vs. THE STEINER BROTHERS (4-0-1)
Buck and Enos are trying this again, huh? The LAST time they tried working together, they wound up getting into a kerfuffle which I HAVE to assume is related to their mutual love-triangle with one very confused Dick Slater. The Base of the Isosceles would be a fine name for this pair. It would be especially glorious given that Buck has no idea what an isosceles triangle is, let alone how to pronounce it. Buck rides Scotty like a hog, but don’t mistake the leather fetish for a submissive horndog, because he’d rather kill you than squeal. He stands up out of the clutch to hoist Buck into an electric chair position, and the bulldog finishes this as quickly as it started at 1:55. 1/2*
LEE MARSHALL’S MOUSTACHE is very intrigued by CHRIS BENOIT and WOMAN. Apparently Sullivan’s signed Benoit and himself to a Death Match. Benoit giggles at the idea, and asks if Sullivan’s looking to have his mind, career, or life ended. He vows to abuse Sullivan before finishing him for good. I swear to god, I could take the last 6 months worth of Saturday Night episodes and release them as a special documentary called “The Premeditation of Chris Benoit” and I’d immediately be hired to replace Keith Morrison on Dateline NBC.
MAXX (2-0-0) vs. CHAVO GUERRERO JR. (2-4-0)
It’s good to see Maxx making regular appearances on TV again, after serving his 6 month punishment in his room for trying to clean the Dungeon fountain with water that’s Not Cold. He knows better. Chavo takes down Maxx and goes for an early pin, but that just gets him thrown about 48 feet in the air. A forward electric chair drop sets up an elbow, and before you know it he’s swinging Chavo around in the Masterlock and that’s that at 1:42. Dusty asks if Maxx has ever actually visited the Pay Windah, which of course is no because he’s still on probation and has to go straight home as soon as his match is over. DUD
SLEDGE HAMMER (no data under this name) vs. ROADBLOCK (1-1-0)
Holy crap, is this really happening? This is already amongst the two or three greatest moments of my life, and they haven’t even started fighting yet. I don’t think my keyboard’s going to be able to take the asterisk pounding I’m about to put on it. My hands are trembling in anticipation for this, I can’t take it. I don’t even care that Sledge Hammer is a renamed Tombstone.
And we’re off! Sledge Hammer throws a mighty right hand, and hits a Stinger Splash! The big man is down! This is your chance, Sledge! Roadblock gets back to his feet, but Hammer rakes the eyes. Since it worked so well the first time, Sledge tries another Stinger Splash – but Roadblock moves!!! He MUST be fast, because otherwise there’s simply no excuse to miss a target that large! Roadblock picks up Sledge Hammer because he’s 500 pounds of rock solid steel, and the Dead End Drop finishes this at 1:07! I’m sure you were able to pick up on it from my in depth play-by-play, and I have little doubt in my mind that everybody reading this has seen this classic at one time or another, but in the event you suffer from a bad case of the wnyxmcneal (and you should NEVER go full wnyxmcneal), this is the single most important event that took place for humankind since The Big Bang. 4.54 billion stars, in honor of the age of our planet.
MR. JL (0-6-0) vs. SUPER CALO (0-5-0)
I KNEW meticulous record keeping would pay off, but I didn’t know I’d reap the dividends so quickly! 11 straight losses to start the year for this pair, which is awful considering even Jerry Lynn won a match on WCW Pro once. Calo dropkicks JL to the floor, and shows off the flash with a somersault plancha WITHOUT losing his toque. Calo goes to finish up top, but JL blocks with a dropkick. A kick to the face fails to knock Calo’s glasses off, so either JL needs to work on his kicks, or those things have been laced with Kra-Z Gloo. Calo takes a powder, but JL flies off the top with a plancha. Calo recovers and whips JL into the guardrail, using the extra recovery time to pose for his legions of Caloticons. JL tries to get back in the ring, but a swinging dropkick knocks his ass backwards, and another somersault plancha follows because Calo is a man of routine and style. Calo heads up, but he’s caught again, and this time JL DDT’s him off the top. Calo smartly puts his foot on the ropes at 2. JL goes up, but a dropkick stops that, and Calo hits a super headscissors. A senton finishes at 3:50! Dusty: “That’s a big win for Calo!” You don’t even know, Dusty. **
A beltless DEAN MALENKO is all up in LEE MARSHALL’s area. Syxx has somehow earned his second PPV title shot in a row because he stole Deano’s gold. Malenko tells us a story about a 16 year old kid who begged and pleaded to be trained in order to become a part of this industry. (Spoiler: It’s not Mass Transit) And his dad took this kid under his wing, teaching him both in-ring skills, but also respect. And that person ... was Syxx. I love a surprise ending. That’s not exactly a glowing endorsement of Boris Malenko’s training, because he has no respect, and he never wrestles. Dean vows to beat some respect into him. And if that doesn’t work, he’ll have an unshowered Hugh Morrus sit naked on him while screaming offensive names until he gives the belt back.
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (4-1-0) vs. DEVON STORM (0-1-0)
Don’t think that Storm wasn’t watching the Sledge Hammer match and got ideas for future gimmicks. It wasn’t until he named himself after a heavy blunt object and embraced his inner Ugly that he got over. Young wrestlers around the country could learn something from this, and I look forward to seeing Tire Iron make his debut in NXT soon. Storm shoves Page into the corner, which draws some big yuks. I think that’s code for “you’re a dead man”. A pumphandle backbreaker sets up the Cutter, but Storm pokes the eyes! Dusty buries him anyway. “Devon Storm hasn’t shown me that WCW is the place that he should be.” A tornado DDT plants Page, and Dusty’s forced to eat his words, which is fine because Dusty’s never turned down a free meal. Page hits a back elbow, and bounces off the bottom rope with a Diamond Cutter at 2:58. Page continues to roll. *1/2
BILLY PEARL (0-2-0) vs. CHRIS BENOIT (2-3-0) (with Woman)
Given that Kevin Sullivan gets to pad his win/loss record by fighting the finest group of losers ever assembled in one building, it’s only fair Benoit gets to do the same. And Pearl should be easy pickins, seeing as how he’s abandoned his wrestling career for that of an ice ballerina.
Benoit immediately goes for the Dragon suplex, but Pearl skates his way loose with a pirouette. Tony has some concerning news: The Steiner Brothers have been involved in a car accident. The extent of the crash is unknown, and they’re hoping for an update on WCW Pro. Wait – that’s not fair! I don’t have a copy of WCW Pro (because you KNOW I’d be recapping it). Now I’ll never know what happened to them, because they certainly won’t want to repeat themselves on multiple shows. Hrmph. I don’t even care anymore that Benoit’s beating Pearl into a mountain of hamburger, or that he drags Billy by the hair and makes him kneel before Woman to Show Her Respect. She claws at his eyes, and because he fails to answer with “GIVE ME MORE MISTRESS”, it’s back to Benoit and that’s not a good thing. Pearl tries to put Benoit in an inside cradle, and he’s immediately hit with a release Dragon suplex for his insolence. Benoit applies the Crossface, which is the debut of that move, and Pearl taps quickly at 4:10. *1/2
HIGH VOLTAGE (1-3-0) vs. HARLEM HEAT (6-1-2) (with Sista Sherri)
Dusty’s delighted to see High Voltage, who are “on a roll lately”. THE PUBLIC ENEMY look on from the crowd, and I’ll give them credit for dedication to their craft, seeing as how they fly out to and buy tickets to every single show they’re not booked on. Stevie hits Rage with a bicycle kick, and all of 4 seconds into this match he’s run through his entire moveset. Booker comes in and takes a powerslam. Stevie re-enters, and he lifts Kaos in the air as Booker flies over top of his brother with a Harlem Sidekick for the win at 3:26. Dusty calls Harlem Heat “The Faces of Fear” which is offensive to African Americans, Samoans, and me. 1/2*
VILLANO 4 (1-0-0) vs. JEFF JARRETT (7-0-0)
Dusty thinks that Jarrett’s “infectuated” with Debra McMichael. I hope he doesn’t try to start an “afar” with her. Rhodes also gives Jarrett his stamp of approval for the Horsemen, and considering Dusty *hates* the Horsemen, that should give you all the reasons you need NOT to put him in the group. I considered briefly that he anticipated that they’d ignore his advice, and that he’s using reverse psychology, but assuming Dusty’s thoughts extend beyond whatever’s flowing out of his mouth is giving him far too much credit. Villano almost scores an upset with a powerslam. A swandive misses, and Jarrett POINTS TO HIS HEAD! If intelligence was measured by log rolls and Fargo struts, Jeff Jarrett would be spending his nights debunking Stephen Hawking, and using John Nash’s research as toilet paper. A DDT gets 2. A standing vertical suplex has Jarrett self-fellating, but his cockiness gets him rolled up for 2. That’s all Villano’s getting I’m afraid, because a single leg atomic drop sets up the Figure Four, and Jarrett wins again at 4:34. *
Jarrett heads into LEE MARSHALL’s personal locker room, and wants to talk Superbrawl. He says that ever since Flair knighted him 6 months ago, a group of jealous Horsemen have tried to knock him down. At Starrcade, he bested Benoit. A few weeks ago on Nitro, he knocked off Anderson. That leaves Mongo, and when he does, he expects to become a part of the most elite group in wrestling history.
PRINCE IAUKEA (no data in 1997) vs. HUGH MORRUS (5-2-0) (with Jimmy Hart)
Tony calls Iaukea a man who’s made quite a name for himself in WCW. That name, of course, is Jobber, because he’s never won a match, and the only TV time he gets anymore is under the hood as Cheetah Kid (0-3-0). He’s also awful, and *nobody* is clamouring for a Prince push, so let’s just squash him and release him immediately. He has NO reason to be on Nitro this week. NONE! I do NOT want to see him booked on Nitro under any circumstances. Are we all clear on this? Morrus starts running him over with clotheslines – and one of them winds up hitting the camera lens and leaving a fairly impressive fist print. Morrus misses an avalanche, and Prince comes off the top with a Superfly Splash ... for 2. Prince tries a forward roll, but Morrus just faceplants him. A long beating ensues, and fight as Prince may, he can’t get anything going. A spinning heel kick rocks the tiny man, and No Laughing Matter connects. Morrus refuses to pin his prey, rolling Prince on top of himself and getting his own foot on the ropes at the 2 before laughing his ass off. Finally he rolls over and gets the pin at 3:54. You know who Prince looks NOTHING like? Rocky Maivia. It’s best we not waste time trying to compare them. In fact, let’s just stop talking about Prince Iaukea before WCW gets any crazy ideas. *
KONAN (6-1-1) (with Jimmy Hart) vs. EDDIE GUERRERO (5-3-2) (for the WCW United States heavyweight title)
Speaking of crazy ideas, let’s not get Konan back in the US title mix. Konan, always a scumbag, attacks before the bell and screams about Mexico. Eddie fires back with a rana, but Konan rolls to the floor and catches him as he tries to follow. Eddie’s whipped into the guardrail, and slammed face first in the ringsteps. “DUNGEON OF DOOM LOCOS!” Oh. Back in, the tumbleweed gets 2, and Konan goes to his trademark: the chinlock. After about an hour, Eddie gets out, but Konnan catches him with Splash Mountain ... for 2! Konan’s not mad though, he still has Mexico to scream about, which is his equivalent of hulking up. An avalanche misses, and Eddie pounds away at the kidneys. A spinning heel kick gets 2, and even though he gets up first, Konan dropkicks Eddie quickly. A full nelson has Eddie flailing helplessly, and he accidently clips the referee. Jimmy jumps on the apron, and swings the megaphone ... but he pops Konan by mistake! Eddie hits the Frog Splash, and Jimmy runs in for the DQ at 4:56. These guys are a total bore together. 1/2*
With a quick reminder to watch The Pro tomorrow for updates on the Steiner Brothers, Tony signs us off for another week.