This has nothing to do with the WWE
It's time for BOD Raw! And we're backstage with former GM Bayless and Justice Gray.
Bayless: Can you believe it?
Gray: Dude, he made a mistake.
Bayless: A mistake? A MISTAKE!? We didn't have Raw last week because he sent the entire roster to Australia instead of Arizona!
Gray: C'mon, man. Look at it this way - Rockstar Gary made a new friend with that kangaroo. He was so happy!
Bayless: He made it drink Jack Daniels from a baby bottle. He might be the only person who got banned from Australia for that reason.
Gray: Well, they said Guinness would have been okay....
Bayless: (Sighs) Gray, we have to do something about this. He still wants to do that damned 4th of July skit. And this whole Elimination Chamber thing is just....
Gray: What? The slide looks hella fun!
Bayless just looks at him as Rockstar Gary walks up, looking sad.
Bayless: What are you upset about?
Rockstar: Nothing. Just miss Malted Hops.
Rockstar: My kangaroo. (Deep sigh) Ah, well. Can't win them all.
Rockstar produces a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels and starts chugging merrily away as Bayless looks at him, amused as Justice Gray tries to get him to stop.
Gray: Gary, we have a warmup match tonight! For God's sakes, man!
WELCOME BACK TO BOD RAW!!
And that's the music of the BOD World Champion, Jef Vinson! Accompanied by his trusty valet, he strolls to the ring holding his belt aloft. Let's get this man a mic!
Vinson: You know, life as the BOD World Champ can be difficult sometimes. Last night, myself, my valet, and a few of her close personal friends were getting some fine Italian food....in Italy, of course. Now, since I knew that I needed, shall we say, ENERGY for the night to come (wink to his valet), I made sure to order enough for all of us on my tab, and they had the absolute TEMERITY to only discount my bill by 70%! Of all the indignities for THE BOD champ! Luckily, for them at least, they took care of it after I had to....persuade them. Of course, when myself and the ladies went back to my suite, well, it sure as hell wasn't the moon hitting their eyes that night. So you can see what it's been like for the last 24 hours of YOUR champ's life. Absolute hell. And speaking of absolute hell, let's talk about the Elimination Cham-
What's that? Why, it's the music of John Petuka! He's standing on the top of the stage, spotlight shining on him, with a mic in hand and the brand new Petukamania shirt (Available at BOD Shopzone!) He stops, takes a breath and points....and there's the BODMania III.....with John Petuka sign! HE POINTS TO THE SIGN! JUST GIVE HIM THE TITLE NOW! Let's hear what Petuka has to say:
Petuka: I don't know if you've heard yet, Vinson, but your days as champ are numbered. You see, last week, I defeated Andy PG and punched my ticket to the Elimination Chamber. And, as you are no doubt aware, John Petuka has guaranteed that he will be in the main event of BODMania III! So, instead of waiting, I think that I'm just going to take your belt away in the Elimination Chamber; and come BODMania, you'll be hearing the words "The reigning, defending champ....John Petuka!
Vinson: Petuka. Yes, I saw that match. What a fine win, with your little buddy on the outside with a chair. Something to be proud of, for sure.
Petuka: Hey, I have no idea what is going through that dead weight kbjanetty's head. It was only a matter of time before I finished Andy PG off - all that happened was he was saved a further beating. Frankly, I think it's great that kbjone has seen the light and is fully on board with....PETUKAMANIA!!
Vinson: If you were any less of a threat to me, you'd be Ghandi. Look, Petuka, I think that the whole 'BODMania' thing you've got going on is just adorable. But when it comes to this (He hoists up his title belt), well, son, I'm Jef Vinson. I don't just overcome the odds - I stand atop them and spit on them.
Petuka: Oh, really? Well then, why wait until Battleground? Why don't we do this thing tonight?
Vinson: You think that beating a washed-up writer makes you a contender? No, no, no. But I will tell you this - I could use a warm-up match. So, if you want to fight, non-title of course, why don't we do this thing? You and me, tonight, one on one!
Petuka: Why not, Vinson? Kicking your ass before the Chamber sounds like a delightful way to spend an evening! In the meantime, know this - your brush with Petuka....is OVER!
Petuka throws down the mic and disappears into the back! We've got ourselves a main event!
The following BoD Elimination Chamber matches took place at BoD House Shows this weekend. Qualifying were Cultstatus and The Fuj, joining John Petuka and Parallax to face Jef Vinson as there is just one spot left.
It's time for a video message from the Herbkunzes!
Muraco: Hey there, BOD! We couldn't be there this week, because we're over at the New Japan Dojo!
Redstorm11: That's right! The greatest wrestling school in the world, and we're here!
Muraco: And we've been given the great honor tonight of cleaning the toilet of both Nakamura and Kushida! Think of the workrate lessons their excrement must showcase!
Redstorm11: I'm giddy with excitement already! Plus, I heard a rumor that Okada might have thrown up his Sake all over the floor! It's like a bonus amount of top-quality workrate bodily fluids that we didn't know we were getting!
Muraco: We'll see you next week with the latest and the greatest strong-style wrestling that the entire world has to offer! We're of course sorry that you must sit through the nonsense of BOD Raw without being able to look forward to REAL wrestling from the Herbkunzes, but some things are just more important!
In the background, Jushin Liger heads into the bathroom. Muraco and Redstorm look at each other with huge grins on their faces.
Both: LIGER! IT'S LIGER! (To the camera) WORKRATE! WORKRATE!
They run towards the bathroom and push the door open. Cut to black.
Biff Kensington and the rest of Kensington Enterprises are in the ring, and they've got something to say.
Biff: This is the greatest collection of wrestling talent EVER assembled! And the plan continues. First off, Extant, the best-kept secret in all of wrestling has set his date with the B+ title, as that cheese-hawking moron Kiwi will defend, which is another word for LOSE, his belt at BOD Battleground! Of course, we can't forget about our uncrowned World Champion, Hoss, who is only going to be placated by ice cream for so long, right Hoss?
Hoss: WANT ICE CREAM.
Biff: And so you shall have it. And, of course, the tag team that makes all others pale in comparison just by their very existence, THE tag team champs, Curtzerker! (The Huss section goes wild!) Now, I've been informed that Curtzerker will face off in a rematch against those fools from Riverdale at Battleground, and this time, I promise you, there won't be an escape for those -
THE LIGHTS GO OUT!
When they come back on, the Riverdale Covenant is onstage! And here's Archie Stackhouse with a mic:
Archie: Biff, our long, slow waltz around the floor appears to be reaching it's climax. And I can't wait! For too long, you've attempted to intimidate others with your money, as though it can somehow purchase your salvation. Allow me to dissuade you - The Covenant cares not for your petty financial drivel. In fact, as Uncle Caliber once told me after that dog bit me - once you cross an animal, don't be surprised if, in fact, the bite is FAR worse than the bark. You attempted to end the Covenant, Biff. You brought violence to our streets of Riverdale, and you stuck your hand out. But when you were bit, you learned no lessons. Curtzerker, enjoy your trinkets while you have them. While I am a man who speaks for those with no voice, I am also just a man. (Archie narrows his eyes) And a man is little more than an animal, and this animal bites back.
Archie hands the mic to Robert Davis, who twirls Jughead as he talks.
Davis: Curtzerker, it would have been better for you had you just lost and slinked away. Better for you.....but far less fun for us. We're going to hurt you, Curtzerker. And we're not going to do it because we want your titles, which are meaningless beyond causing Biff pain; we're going to do it because we want to, and because.....we can.
Davis looks back at Archie, who nods approvingly, and the Covenant leans in.
Covenant: WELCOME TO HELL! WELCOME.....TO RIVERDALE!!
We're in the ring with Abeyance, who has something to say.
Abeyance: In just a few moments, I'll have my Elimination Chamber qualifying match. But let me make one thing clear: Vinson, you can discount me all you want. I'm coming for that belt. And if you want to underestimate me, well.....Welcome to the BOD!
BoD Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match:
Abeyance vs Beard Money
Solo's music hits, but there's no one there. Abeyance looks confused, but wait a minute! That's the music of Jef Vinson! And he's dragging the broken and bloody body of Beard Money behind him! He points and several local jobbers who were promised autographs by the Champ drag Solo to the ring. They throw him in, and Vinson gestures to Abeyance. Abeyance covers - 1,2,3! Abeyance is going to the Elimination Chamber! Vinson has a mic:
Vinson: THAT is how little of a concern you are to me, Abeyance. Welcome to the Chamber.
Vinson laughs as he walks away! He's just put Abeyance in the Chamber on purpose, and Abeyance is seething inside the ring. How much more can he be disrespected by the World Champ?
Folks, at BoD BattleGround, Camp Cleveland will be facing Strike Force & Biscuit. Lets hear from both teams:
At the Camp Cleveland Compound
WWF1987: Strike Force, let me tell you both something. I see you slapping hands and acting happy after winning but that is not tolerated in Cleveland my friend. (Pulls of a box of jerseys) Do these seem like winners to you? (Tim Couch, Jose Mesa, Larry Hughes).
White Thunder: I mortgaged my home to get 2015 Cleveland Cavaliers Championship t-shirts made. And now they are in a shipping container to fucking Rwanda!!!! And since I cant get my money back, I'm gonna kick all three of your asses.
MikeyMike: Just one week away until we get rid of two morons in windbreakers and another Midwestern loser!
At the Greyhound Bus Stop
Matt Indeed: (Holding a pine tree car air freshener) This belonged to Loretta (The Lebaron). She loved the scent. Camp Cleveland, you took Loretta away from me. You took away her scent. How the fuck can I get chicks at the beach riding the bus?!?!?!?!?!
Mar Solo: (Runs around drinking coffee in lieu of cutting a promo)
Biscuit: You took my Regal!!!! You took all my belongings and sunk them in Lake Cuyahoga. And I had to call Big Lou from the Legion to leave work early to take me to the softball game. That cost him overtime and Camp Cleveland, this will cost you your lives!!!!!!!!
And now, its time for out 4th of July sketch:
We are at the Ponderosa, what Bobby Bayless thinks is the birthplace of the American Revolution.
TimeandtheRami: Hey matey, what happened to the shrimp and crumpets. Did you put them on the barbie?
Dean Andrews: Howdy ho, buckeroo!!!!!!!!!!! I have poisoned blankets to trick the injuns who stole crumpets to build a casino. Lets scalp them.
At the teepee
Jose Gomez: woo, woo, woo. Me injun, me dumb, I like white women.
Peyton Drinking: (Sporting a turbin) I am a real life Indian like John Leguizamo. Lets build another casino
TatR: Hold it right there, injuns. Those are our crumpets.
Dean: And our shrimp
TatR: Say, you look cold. Here is a blanket. Dont worry it does not have SARS. (Hands the blanket)
Wait a minute! Night and X Man have come out and they are attacking the cowboys! They are laying a beating on them. They now target the "Indians" but Dancin' Devin Harris & FunkDoc1112 are out. They stand behind the guys and stare down Night & X Man then crack a smile as they now attack the Indians! What the hell is going on here.?DDH and FunkDoc are brutalizing these four guys and are now celebrating with Night & X Man? All four of these men are ripping apart the set as they send the writers flying through the air. SOMEONE CALL MAMA HARRIS BECAUSE HER SON IS REFUSING TO GIT FUN-KAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Justice Gray and Rockstar Gary have a match, and it's.....next!
Justice Gray and Rockstar Gary vs The Spambots
The Spambots are the BOD's newest sensation. They earn up to $32,000 a year working from home, so why they're wrestling is anyone's guess. But here we go, and it's Rockstar looking to lockup with Spam 1. Rockstar with the arm wringer off the lockup, but there's not much torque to it. Gray looks confused for a moment, but then a light bulb goes off in his head.
Gray: Gary! Over here! (He holds up the bottle of Jack Daniels, which is 3/4 of the way empty. Gary grins)
Rockstar brings Spam 1 over, and Justice with a tag. He goes to the top rope and drops an elbow on the outstretched arm of Spam 1, and now he motions to Gary with the drinky-drinky motion that he needs a little liquid courage. Gary gets it immediately and starts to finish off that bottle. Meanwhile, Spam 2 has left is position on the apron and is deeply engaged in a conversation with a young man in the front row, telling him how to work from home and get out of the rat race.....oh no, he's getting the fan's personal information! YOU FOOL! But that still leaves Spam 1 in the ring, and Justice is slowly working him over, as he watches Gary drink.....and Gary finishes the bottle! Justice grins with satisfaction and immediately makes the tag, and here comes Rockstar! He's stumbling a bit, but he's in there, and Spam 1 immediately comes off the ropes with a clothesline.....which Rockstar ducks/stumbles under, one of the two. And now it's Rockstar with the legsweep! Rockstar drops/falls over, one of the two, with an elbow! Another! Spam 1 is trying to get his bearings, but Gary steps through a toehold and chain wrestles him like Lou Thesz into a La Magistral cradle! 1,2, no! Gary still has a shit-eating grin on his very drunk face, as he calmly ducks a wild right and does a rolling abdominal stretch into the Koji Clutch! Spam 1 screams in agony.....and he taps! Rockstar and Justice have won the match! Rockstar celebrates with a fan at ringside....and takes his beer! Rockstar Gary is a drunken wrestling MACHINE.
Bill Ray has his trusty bat with him backstage, as Wade Michael Meltzer is standing by.
Wade: Bill Ray, your thoughts on your match for the C-List title ending in a countout?
Bill Ray: First things first. Bayless, I don't like you and you don't like me. But your cousin has got to go. Second, obviously it has become clear to me that DBSM and the rest of the C-List posse and their obsession with shitty ABC comedies need to face a reckoning. Bill Ray is that reckoning. I am coming for that title, if only to rid the BOD of your bullshit once and for all, and restore some dignity to the C-List belt. That match wasn't the last that you boys heard of Bill Ray. (He whips out a comb and slicks back his hair. Women all over the arena faint at once.)
And now, a special message from Jobber:
At the Job Mob Mansion as Trunk Barlow & Roth Munson are putting up more Warriors banners.
Jobber: At BoD Battleground, I will unveil the newest member of the Job Mob. And I promise you this, it will shock the world. (ducks down as we hear a snorting noise. Camera cuts away when he picks his head back up)
Main Event: John Petuka vs Jef Vinson (non-title)
And here we go! They circle, and lockup! Vinson with a headlock, Petuka attempts to shoot him off, but Vinson hangs on, grinning the whole time. He wrenches it in, then a quick go behind into a wristlock, then a foot to the back of the knee, forcing Petuka down. He grabs the other arm and turns it into a straight-jacket, putting the knee to the back. Petuka slowly starts to get back to his feet, but Vinson takes him down again. A clinic by the world champ. Vinson attempts to transition into a chinlock, but Petuka shoots out and starts firing. Rights and lefts back Vinson into a corner, Petuka with the cross-corner whip, but Vinson goes over on a charge into a sunset flip. 1,2, no! Both guys are back to their feet, and they lock up again, this time with Petuka gaining the advantage. Vinson shoots him off, leapfrog by Vinson, but Petuka comes off with a big lariat! Petuka sets up for the BAZOOKA, but Vinson escapes and rolls to the floor. Petuka stands tall in the ring as Vinson eyes him warily, and now he's back in. Vinson shoots at the legs of Petuka and wraps him up with a toehold, now an attempted bridge, fought off by Petuka. Vinson gets to his feet and stomps the lower back of Petuka, then brings him over to the corner. Knife-edge chop! Another! A third! Cross-corner whip by Vinson, but he gets caught coming with the big boot! Side Russian legsweep by Petuka! Petuka's in control now, and he peppers Vinson with fists and chops up against the ropes, and he clotheslines him over the top! Vinson to the outside. Petuka is lining him up....no hands plancha by Petuka! Vinson is down! Petuka throws him back in, covers....1,2, no! Petuka is going up to the top rope.....beautiful flying elbow by Petuka! 1,2, no! Vinson won't go down that easily. Slam by Petuka, looking for the lionsault.....misses! Vinson stumbles back to his feet and kicks the crawling Petuka, who looks as though the wind has been knocked out of him. Vinson looks like he's calling for a piledriver.....but Petuka escapes and rolls to the outside. Vinson looks like he might give chase....but from the back, it's kbjone and his trusty chair! Big chairshot to Jef Vinson's head!
kbjone: IT'S ALL FOR YOU, JOHN!!
The ref has called for the bell as kbjone continues to wear out his chair on Vinson's prone body, as Petuka looks scared to get back in the ring as kbjone and his trusty chair stand tall...but from behind, it's Vinson's valet! She's got the hairspray, and there it is in kbjone's eyes! He goes down, but now Petuka is back in the ring as kbjone has fallen to the outside. He smacks the hairspray out of her hands, and she spits in his face. Petuka shrugs, and he's loading Vinson up....don't tell me he's going to use the chair.....Vinson's valet is standing in front of it! Petuka tells her to get out of the way, but shrugs and he LOADS UP VINSON'S VALET! DOUBLE PETUKA BAZOOKA ON THE CHAIR!!!!!! Everyone is down except for John Petuka, and it's time for him.....to point to the sign! Petuka stands alone! Good night, everyone!
BoD Battleground Card:
BoD World Title Elimination Chamber Match: Jef Vinson vs. Cultstatus vs. The Fuj vs. Parallax vs. Abeyance vs. John Petuka
BoD Solid B+ Player Title: Kaptain Kiwi vs. Extant1979
BoD Writer's Title: Tommy Hall vs. Chris F-B.
BoD Tag Team Titles: Curtzerker vs. Archie Stackhouse & Robert Davis
BoD C-List Title: DBSM vs. Bill Ray
BoD Six Man Titles: Adam Curry & Kyle Warne & Cabspaintedyellow vs. Brian Bayless & Justice Gray & Rockstar Gary
Pride of Canada Match: PrimeTime Ten vs. Mister E Mahn
Strike Force & Biscuit vs. Camp Cleveland