The SmarK Rant for WWE Survivor Series 2012

The SmarK Rant for WWE Survivor Series 2012

Live from Indianapolis, IN

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and JBL

Brodus Clay, Justin Gabriel, Tyson Kidd, Sin Cara & Rey Mysterio v. Titus O’Neil, Darren Young, Primo, Epico & Tensai

It’s Team Leftovers! What a concept – sticking 10 guys with nothing better going on into an elimination tag match so they can have a fun opener. Epico and Kidd trade wristlocks and do a cool little sequence before Epico bails. Epico comes back in with a slingshot senton, but misses, and Gabriel comes in with a sunset flip for two. Standing moonsault gets two. Kidd & Gabriel double-team Epico for two as JBL talks about Gabriel’s father in South Africa, apparently a former promoter. He got lobbed the softball of a tag team wrestler from SOUTH AFRICA and he didn’t talk about the damn Simpson brothers? What’s wrong with him tonight? Rey & Cara double-team Young with a bulldog for two, so he tags out to Primo and Cara hits him with a rana. Sweet cross body gets two. You can tell his confidence is growing with every match now. Cara with a sunset bomb for two, but Primo puts him down with a clothesline and it’s over to Tensai. Tensai and Titus trade off on Cara and Primo drops a leg for two. The heels cut off the ring as Cara is no-face-in-peril, but he comes back with an enzuigiri and it’s hot tag Brodus. See, this is his strong point: Cleaning house as the guy who gets the hot tag. Everyone gets dumped for a crazy series of dives, leaving Tensai and Clay in the ring. Brodus badly messes up a suplex attempt, then misses a blind charge, allowing Tensai to eliminate him with a senton at 8:22. Gabriel attacks next and gets beat down, allowing Titus to get the abdominal stretch. Nice overhead fallaway slam sets up another senton from Tensai, for two. Another one misses and Gabriel pins him at 10:22. The Playaz haul Gabriel back to the corner and pound him, and Epico gets a butterfly suplex for two. Kidd comes back in and quickly gets taken to the floor by Primo, and back in for two. Kidd keeps getting cut off by the heels before coming back with a rollup on Titus at 13:50 to get rid of him. Young drags Kidd back to the heel corner to continue the very long heat segment, but Kidd wraps up Epico in the Sharpshooter. And he taps at 15:00. Well, he’s no Shawn Michaels. Primo goes up and Tyson dropkicks him coming down, and it’s finally hot tag Rey. Low kick on Primo gets two. Rey goes up and gets the flying senton to set up the 619, but Primo ducks it. Backstabber misses and Rey rolls him up at 17:30. So the cheese stands alone and Young goes quickly via everyone’s finishers at 18:23. Survivors: Rey Mysterio, Sin Cara, Tyson Kidd, Justin Gabriel. Fun opener, although it dragged a lot and the crowd didn’t really care. I’m glad to see that they continue to book Kidd & Gabriel like equals to the stars. **1/2

Meanwhile, someone in a blonde wig attacks Kaitlyn backstage, and it turns out to be Aksana. Can she even sneak up on someone without saxophone music playing?

Divas title: Eve v. Kaitlyn

Kaitlyn attacks and Eve runs away. After a couple of minutes of that thrilling open, Eve gets a cheapshot and gets two. Eve chokes her out in the corner and drops an elbow for two. She figure-fours the head in a kind of triangle choke, but Kaitlyn makes the ropes. Eve goes up and gets knocked to the floor, and now she’s running away again. Kaitlyn stands there making menacing faces before finally attacking with a shoulderblock and gutbuster for two. Eve runs away yet again and yanks Kaitlyn to the floor, and back in to finish with the neckbreaker at 7:00. Kaitlyn looked like an amateur out there, with no timing whatsoever. And the match was ridiculously long. DUD I’m tempted to bump it up to ½* because the replay shows Eve feeling up Kaityln while making the pin, but that would compromise the integrity of the system.

US title: Antonio Cesaro v. R-Truth

I don’t see this one waking up the crowd. Truth quickly gets a rollup for one, and then another one for two. Cesaro comes back with a headbutt and pounds away in the corner, then goes to a neckvice while JBL and Cole have a bizarre discussion about how JBL was tweeting in Russian with Cesaro. Cesaro with the double-stomp for two. And we go to the waistlock on the mat and now JBL and Cole are bickering about Cesaro’s fake rugby history. Gutwrench gets two. Uppercut gets two. And back to the waistlock, but Truth makes the comeback with a spinkick for two. Stunner gets two. Truth misses the axe kick and the NEUTRALIZER finishes at 6:55 to retain. Basic house show match. *

AJ joins us to continue this stupid fucking storyline on a show I’m paying $55 for. So now she’s got her own evidence, and of course it’s a series of wacky Photoshopped pictures, a Vince McMahon favorite. And just as they’re about to fight or something, a repackaged Tamina Snuka (who is the daughter of Hall of Famer Jimmy Snuka, you know) attacks AJ and lays her out with the splash. What a waste of time.

Meanwhile, Paul Heyman lets us know that Punk is now at #8 all time and will continue to be so after tonight. So let’s see, we’ve got Bruno, Backlund, Hogan, Morales and Bruno again as untouchables, but other than that he’s got a good shot at #6. He passes Hogan’s 1990 reign tonight, and he’ll pass 1998 Savage and 2006 John Cena by TLC, and then that’s as far as he’s going with it.

World heavyweight title: Big Show v. Sheamus

Slugfest to start, which Show wins easily. Sheamus clips the knee and ties him up in the ropes for some abuse. Sheamus goes up for the shoulderblock, but Show spears him on the way down and Sheamus ends up on the floor. Back in, Show pounds on the arm and slowly works him over, then cuts off a comeback and drops an elbow for two. Into the armbar, and a sideslam gets two. Sheamus fights back with a sleeper, but misses a charge and hits the post, allowing Show to hit the neckbreaker for two. Show goes up and Sheamus brings him down with an electric chair, and they slug it out as Sheamus makes the superginger comeback. Show catches the Brogue kick, so Sheamus hits him with White Noise for two. Show pulls the ref into the path of the Brogue Kick, and the medical crew immediately runs in to check on him. Geez, it’s just a referee, who cares? Sheamus goes to check on the ref, and Show knocks out Sheamus to retain at 14:51. However, another referee reverses the decision and Sheamus wins by DQ instead. Wow, that’s so much better. HHH would never let himself look like a dumbass that way. So now we get a THIRD match at TLC. ** Sheamus, sore winner, attacks Show with a chair and then lays him out with the Brogue kick while he’s on his knees begging for mercy. I stand corrected: Now THAT’S how HHH would book himself.

Team Edward (Randy Orton, Kane, Daniel Bryan, The Miz & Kofi Kingston) v. Team Katniss (Dolph Ziggler, Alberto Del Rio, David Otunga, Damien Sandow & Wade Barrett)

There’s an old saying in the wrestling business: If David Otunga can’t save this shitty PPV, it’s not worth saving. They still haven’t bothered to explain what the issue behind this match is, or why Miz is a babyface now. Kofi quickly rolls up Otunga for two and chases him out of the ring, then follows with a dive off the apron. Back in, that gets two. Bryan comes in as the crowd goes BATSHIT, but Otunga powerslams him and brings in Sandow. The ELBOW OF DISDAIN gets two. Bryan comes back with the corner dropkick and fires away with kicks, but Sandow bails. He tries to take a walk, but Kane sends him back in and finishes him with a chokeslam at 3:02. Bryan throws a tantrum, allowing Ziggler to hit Kane with the Zag Zag and pin him at 3:44. Orton comes in with the slingshot suplex on Ziggler for two, and Kofi gets a monkey flip for two. Bryan comes in and gets worked over by Barrett, missing the corner dropkick and ending up on the floor. Back in, that gets two. Otunga with a shoulderblock for two. Bryan quickly turns him into the No-Lock for the submission at 7:13. Del Rio comes in and hits the chinlock on Bryan, but gets dumped to the floor. Kofi comes in and runs wild on ADR with the Boomdrop and a crossbody for two. Barrett comes in with the Bossman slam and finishes with the elbow at 9:45. Over to Orton, who dropkicks Barrett for two. Suplex and kneedrop get two. Miz doesn’t want the tag, so Bryan comes in and wakes up the crowd again with a missile dropkick for two. Barrett dumps him, but Bryan comes back with a No-Lock on ADR, which is easily escaped. Del Rio with the enzuigiri and armbar at 12:35. So Mizzy Sue comes in for the first time and goes after Del Rio, and Orton stomps him down for two. Del Rio takes him down with an armbreaker and it’s over to Dolph with a chinlock, but Miz gets the hot tag and runs wild on Barrett. Barrett escapes the Finale, but a second try hits at 16:02. DDT on Del Rio gets two. ADR with a german suplex for two. He goes up and gets brought down by Miz, but recovers with the enzuigiri to finish at 17:15. So it’s Orton alone against Ziggler and Del Rio, and ADR quickly gets the enzuigiri for two. Ziggler with a neckbreaker for two. Del Rio goes up and Orton dropkicks him coming down and makes the comeback before getting distracted by Ricardo. Del Rio gets two off that while Foley beats up Ricardo, and heel miscommunication results in an RKO for Del Rio at 20:56. Ziggler blocks another RKO and gets the Zig Zag for two. Fameasser misses and Orton gets the draping DDT, but goes for the punt and walks into a superkick at 23:45 to give Ziggler the win. Holy crap, Ziggler won an important match cleanly! Once it got down to the final four it was pretty good, but it took a long-ass time to get there. **3/4

WWE title: CM Punk v. John Cena v. Ryback

Punk runs away from both guys to start, but the babyfaces argue over who gets to beat him up. Ryback gets the honors and clotheslines him to the floor, giving us Ryback v. Cena. Cena quickly goes for the FU, but Ryback escapes and stomps him down in the corner. Punk comes back in with a suplex on Ryback, but it’s no-sold and Ryback gives him a fallaway slam to put him on the floor again. Cena grabs a headlock on Ryback as the fans alternate chants for Punk and Cena and totally ignore Ryback. Now Punk puts Cena on the floor and goes up with the flying axehandle on Ryback and a leg lariat to put him on the floor. Cena comes in with a rollup for two, but Punk gets a DDT for two. Punk with a Last Chancery, which has to be a wink at Aries, but Ryback breaks it up and then no-sells Cena’s backdrop suplex. Punk pulls Cena out and runs him into the stairs, then comes back in with a flying clothesline on Ryback for two before going to a chinlock. Ryback comes back with a spinebuster and the lariat, but Cena breaks up the Shellshock with the STF. Punk breaks that up with the flying elbow in a great visual, as you see him rising up the top rope from behind the move. Punk and Cena slug it out, but Ryback puts them both down and draws BOOS. This crowd is not drinking the Ryback Kool-Aid. Ryback tries to do something to both guys at once on the floor, but they beat him down and wisely team up to put him through a table and get rid of him. Back in, Cena makes the comeback with the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM, but Punk gets the GTS for two. Cena with the FU for two. Notice they get rid of Ryback and immediately the match is 1000% better. Punk throws the kicks, and fights off an STF attempt, but Cena blocks the bulldog and this time he hooks it. Ryback saves this time and dumps Cena, then hits Punk with the lariat and Shellshock gets two as Cena saves. Shellshock for Cena, and three guys run in from the crowd and destroy Ryback. It’s Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose and someone else, all dressed in black. Punk pins the dead Cena to retain at 18:00. Kind of a crap finish, to say the least. Match was decent with Punk and Cena at the end, but the Ryback stuff was SO clunky that it dragged the rest down a lot. *** And it’s about time they did something with Rollins and Ambrose, although I don’t know if Nexus v2 is what’s going to get them over.

The Pulse

A horribly bland and dull show with a bunch of mediocre matches and predictable finishes means this is not worth your $55 by a long shot. Wait for the recap on RAW and move on with your life. Thumbs down.