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Friday, May 24, 2013

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact–05.23.13

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 05.23.13

Live(-ish, sorta) from Tampa, FL

You hosts are Todd Keneley, Mike Tenay & Taz

Nice to see TNA offering good wishes to those hit by the tornado, whereas WWE offers nothing. Unless it’s a charity that they’re sponsoring that month, of course

Hulk Hogan starts us out, and he wants us to know that he’s disgusted with AJ’s apparent decision to join the Aces, and he brings out Sting to let him know that Bully isn’t the boss of him and Sting doesn’t have to honor the stips if he doesn’t want to. That’s actually an interesting tact, as usually self-made stipulations are regarded as magically binding. You don’t often get the authority figure saying “Hey, feel free to change your mind if you want.” All this brings out Brooke, who is still full of angst and regret. Bully is out bringing the awesome (“Take your hands off my wife!”) and he’s never taking that wedding ring off. Ever. He still loves her, you see.

Petey Williams v. Joey Ryan v. SUICIDE

Even the mysterious masked man has a Twitter account. Ryan gets tossed and Suicide takes Petey down with a headscissors, but Petey puts him on the floor. Joey stops to oil his chest, but Suicide comes back in with a top rope rana. We get a cool spot with Suicide holding Ryan in an indian deathlock while putting Petey in an abdominal stretch. Ryan & Petey fight to the floor and Suicide hits them with a dive, a suicide dive if you will, but Petey pops back in with a codebreaker on Ryan. Suicide cradles Ryan for two, but Petey tries the Destroyer on him, which Ryan breaks up. Suicide comes back with a neckbreaker on Ryan and finishes with a wheelbarrow into double knees at 4:00. Obviously Joey was just there to do the job, but he hung in there pretty good outside of his comedy spots. Short, but all action. **1/2

Meanwhile, Chris Sabin wants to be James Storm’s mystery partner, but Storm doesn’t want to rob him of the chance to be X champion and then cash in for the World title (is that still a thing?!) and so politely declines.

Meanwhile, Bully still loves Brooke. WHY CAN’T THESE CRAZY KIDS JUST WORK THINGS OUT ALREADY?

Meanwhile, Mickie tries to talk Velvet into sitting out the match tonight, with the unspoken implication being that she’s going to turn heel and wreck her knee. Although the phrasing made it sound like Mickie wanted to take her virginity or try some weird sex position or something.

Sam Shaw v. Alex Silva

Doesn’t happen, as the Aces & Eights reveal that they put Silva out beforehand, and a beatdown follows. Magnus makes the save because Shaw is his friend and it’s PERSONAL now, and it’s on.

Magnus v. Wes Brisco

Magnus kicks the shit out of him and gutwrenches him, and Brisco wisely bails as we take a break. Back with Brisco chinlocking Magnus and pounding on him. Magnus comes back and gets a delayed suplex before going up, but the other Aces run in for the DQ at 7:43. Nothing match. *1/2 Another beatdown follows, but now it’s Samoa Joe making the save, which I’m assuming sets up Joe/Magnus v. Brischoff at the PPV. So that’s all fine.

Kurt Angle v. Mr. Anderson

We’re JIP after a break, and Angle is stomping Anderson down in the corner. Angle suplex gets two. Blind charge misses and Anderson takes over and works on the arm. A hammerlock slam gets two and Anderson stays on the armbar, but Angle comes back with a belly to belly for two. Anderson with the Lambeau Leap for two. Angle with the rolling germans, but Anderson hits the mic check for two. Anderson goes up and Angle brings him down with the pop up superplex and the STRAPS ARE DOWN. This brings AJ Styles out of the dumpster he was living in this week, and Anderson goes low for the pin at 8:03 aired. Still no decision from AJ, of course. **1/2

Meanwhile, Gail Kim bitches about Mickie getting the title shot, and gets ambushed by Taryn and her tiny pants as a result.

James Storm is out to announce his tag partner, but Roode & Aries interrupt first. Then Bad Influence interrupts that interruption and everyone is calling each other dummies. So this brings out Storm’s partner…Shark Boy?! However, this proves to be premature, as Robbie E comes out to announce his partnership instead. After spitballing some names for their team, an unrecognizable Gunner returns from exile with a giant beard and cleans house, and that’s Storm’s choice. OK then. The Shark Boy Austin stuff was kind of funny, but Gunner as Storm’s partner is a huge letdown.

Meanwhile, Sting explains to Joseph Park what “strap” means and why it’s a good thing, and tries to broker a deal with Abyss via Park. Joseph plays dumb, and Sting mumbles about getting kayfabbed. So next week it’s Sting and one of the members of the Park family against the Aces.

Knockouts Title: Velvet Sky v. Mickie James

They trade wristlocks as Tenay points out that Sky has been champion for four months. THAT is how decompressed this TV show has become. It’s like Brian Michael Bendis is on the booking team now. They slug it out and Mickie takes her down with a terrible looking full nelson slam as we take a break. Back with Velvet armdragging out of a wristlock and making the comeback while occasionally remembering to sell the horribly injured knee. They do a ridiculous looking reversal sequence where it looks like Velvet forgot what she was supposed to be doing, and Mickie pounds on her in the corner. Possibly in frustration over what a shitty worker Velvet is. Velvet gets the spinning headscissors, but now she once again randomly remembers that her knee is hurt, and Mickie takes out the knee. A shity looking DDT gives Mickie the title again at 9:11. This was AWFUL, as they blew everything left and right. -* Insert Velvet Sky joke here. Actually, I’d probably bump this up to DUD because of all the gratuitous ODB cleavage shots. Still no heel turn for Mickie.

Meanwhile, the big mean bikers keep abusing poor D-Lo.

Main Event Patching Ceremony: Bully Ray and the troops are out to induct AJ Styles. AJ asks for Mr. Anderson to do the honors by putting the jacket on him, but Kurt Angle interrupts. Kurt is disgusted, but AJ puts the jacket on anyway. And he even bashes Angle’s knee in with a hammer to seal the deal…and then turns on the Aces before leaving alone. Well that would have been more heroic had he not smashed a hammer into Angle’s knee first.

The Pulse

The show started fun and then kind of died once we got to James Storm picking his tag partner, and the less said about Mickie v. Velvet the better. And it feels like they’re trying to rip off the Sting v. nWo storyline from 1997 without really understanding why Sting was so mad at everyone in the first place. Sting was upset because everyone distrusted him without reason, and he was actually innocent. Styles is clearly being kind of a whiny dickwad here, and HE HIT A DUDE IN THE KNEE WITH A HAMMER, and I don’t really get if I’m supposed to be cheering him or what.

82 comments:

  1. I've been complicating on whether or not I should go to their upcoming PPV.

    AJ Styles and Kurt Angle have great chemistry, so I don't expect less than greatness out of them. The 4-way tag match could be a MOTYC if booked properly. But it could wind up being a rushed clusterfuck. And I've never seen an Ultimate X match before and Alex Shelly always puts together inventive spots, so that could be cool.

    Although the main event is kind of turn-off. Sting shouldn't be main eventing PPVS anymore. Period. The added stipulation would be interesting if this company had never bold-faced lied to the fans so many times. I just see them finding a loophole so Sting can get another title shot. The no-holds barred stipulation might be enough smoke and mirrors for these two to have a decent match, though.

    I'm usually busy doing something on Thursday, so I never get to watch the show. I just skim through the results. Is this show worth going to you think?

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  2. HE HIT A DUDE IN THE KNEE WITH A HAMMER

    Are the DUDE, KNEE, and HAMMER all necessary conditions for your righteous anger?

    What if he hit a dame in the knee with a hammer? Or if he hit a dude in the knee with a screwdriver?

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  3. " The added stipulation would be interesting if this company had never bold-faced lied to the fans so many times."

    So why are you considering to reward them with your money? Do you have Stockholm Syndrome, or just no principles to speak of?

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  4. You're going to be severely disappointed if you go to that show to see Alex Shelley.

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  5. I'll begin this post by prefacing that I upvoted you because someone downvoted you.

    Now, what happened was AJ did actually hit Kurt in the knee with a hammer.

    However, AJ Styles is a Polack and was actually attempting surgery.

    *drops mic a la Eddie Murphy*

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  6. I'll answer for him: no principles, which is the defining trait of a wrestling fan.

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  7. I was gonna say...


    Poor MCMG...taken before their time.

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  8. So you're saying this is like Clue: The Scott Keith Edition?


    Then I'm calling it now: it was Shane 'O Mac with the briefcase in the humvee!

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  9. Oh TNA...they so silly.

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  10. THE defining trait? Now that's just sad.

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  11. WWE were not the only ones completely ignoring the tornado.
    HLN here in the states didn't even mention the tornado when it happened because they were too busy using their "reporters" to cover that stupid Jodi Arias trial that all of the other news channels stopped giving a shit about a long time ago.
    And as it relates to Gunner, there are now way too many giant beards in wrestling.
    First Daniel Bryan, then Eric Young, Matt Morgan, Curtis McAxelcutty and now Gunner.
    Somebody needs to get these guys a Fusion razor and tell them it's not 1885 anymore.
    Seriously, is everybody in wrestling trying to audition for the part of Lytton Strachey in "Carrington 2" now? I'm surprised Hogan hasn't tried to grow one by now.

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  12. Just wondering, does TNA have a motto anymore? Like before it was "We are Wrestling" and then "Cross The Line"..

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  13. I think the new motto is "Whatever Hogan's In The Mood For".

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  14. Well, that and chronic masturbation.

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  15. Show was shit, but today was the very last day I ever had to take a college course and getting my diploma in a little over 24 hours, plus the Pens are up 2-1, plus the Spurs are up 2-0 on the Grizz, plus I'm beating the shit out of everyone in the FB League of DOOM, so AIN'T NOTHING GONNA BREAK MY STRIDE...NOBODY'S GONNA SLOW ME DOWN, OH NO...I'VE GOT TO KEEP ON MOVING

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  16. its huge in the Australian Football League now for some reason as well, everyone wants to stand out with a massive beard but the non-beards are in the minority now.

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  17. I've never seen a wrestling fan masturbate. I find it hard to believe that they would be discrete about it.

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  18. Welcome to the real world.

    *Sips from ninth drink at 6:52 PM*

    You're gonna love it here.

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  19. It's hard not to be discrete with a tiny penis.

    To quote James Hetfield, "you know it's sad but truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuueeeee-ah"

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  20. Get back to retirement!

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  21. Hey, I didn't know you were Australian!

    *Fixes leak*

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  22. No, he just gets ESPN on a thirty year lag.

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  23. AmericanWolves02May 24, 2013 at 4:05 AM

    Isn't it "Where Wrestling Matters"?

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  24. Congratulations. Looks like you've got yourself a groupie!

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  25. "Nice to see TNA offering good wishes to those hit by the tornado,
    whereas WWE offers nothing."


    Is WWE allowed to have a show since the tornadoes hit first before they get criticized? And no, I'm not counting the Wednesday show nobody watches.

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  26. While Styles as the returning hero would have been nice... Styles as the "do it myself" loner works well also. He should never ask for help... but if the chance presents itself (like taking advantage of the Aces to get to Kurt), he'll take it. He'll have to really pick his spots from now on, but he should have some advantage for Slammiversary.

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  27. So Suicide was T.J. Perkins, my wish was that they would of gone out and got the Chikara Green Ant guy to do it, he is so awesome in the ring.

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  28. Aside from the women, this was fun as hell. Loved the tag team segment, Suicide looked impressive and Angle/Styles soon!

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  29. ODB is one of the best refs ever, love a ref who won't take any shit. They should have her ref some men's matches someday heh.

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  30. Eh, I'm kind of glad they're not 100% directly ripping off the Sting/nWo angle, even if it has been 15 years. It's just so obvious and un-creative, so the more sociopathic AJ is the better, for me. Gunner as Storm's partner is such a wet fart though.

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  31. Mickie and Velvet were actually blowing everything left and right? I might actually buy THAT PPV.

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  32. TNA: Where the Stars of the 90's Collect Paychecks

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  33. He meant Chris Sabin right?? If you want to see some really good Alex Shelly go watch his tag team with Kushida in NJPW against the Forever Hooligans.

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  34. Suicide was very impressive!

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  35. Congrats yo! What'd you major in?

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  36. "TNA: We comin' for YOU, nigga!"

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  37. IT'S PLAYOFF TIME! #NHLPostSeason

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  38. Gunner is an okay partner as long as they don't actually win the titles. They're clearly just treading water with Storm, I'm assuming until the BFG Series so Gunner there to take the fall is whatever. As usual Bad Influence/Greatest Generation killed it. 'Pick Shark boy!' 'No pick Robbie!' in the background after Gunner wasted them was good TV.

    I'm fine with AJ whacking Angle. Angle was a huge, raging dick to AJ this entire time. AJ made a point of saying he's sick of 'doing the right thing' for TNA so Angle coming out and berating him wasn't going to work. You also knew from the second Bully told AJ to give his soul to the club rather than Christ he wasn't joining. He's DDP.

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  39. Just with the Melbourne demons and who wants to copy them?

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  40. Christopher HirschMay 24, 2013 at 9:04 AM

    So WWE is too pushy with the charitable stuff, then when they don't do it, they get criticized too. Cool.

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  41. Who is actually head booker for TNA?

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  42. I believe it's Dave Lagana, Bruce Pritchard, Eric Bischoff, and Hulk Hogan. Do any wrestling companies actually have a head booker anymore? It's always a committee.

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  43. At least with TNA their guys are from the business. WWE has a bunch of Hollywood writers.

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  44. Better that than Kronik masturbation.

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  45. If I didn't know any better, without seeing Taryn's face, she's a dead ringer for Torrie Wilson with that wrestling gear.

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  46. The Shark Boy Austin stuff was kind of funny

    No, no it wasn't.

    Shark Boy's heyday was the early 2000's as an indy cult darling (and even then mostly for the gimmick) - his Stone Cold Shark Boy schtick was only mildly entertaining back when it was "fresh" (what, 6 years ago?), and even then in small doses - and has absolutely no comedic value in the present now that he, Austin, and "WHAT?!" have long since lost relevance.

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  47. Actually, I’d probably bump this up to DUD because of all the gratuitous ODB cleavage shots.

    Yes, sir!

    Still no heel turn for Mickie.


    Eh, it'll probably be the slow burn (like whatever she and Velvet carry around downstairs) punctuated with a confirming moment.

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  48. What exactly is Jarrett's role, too? International relations and such?

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  49. As usual Bad Influence... killed it.


    Loved Kaz completely inane but also perfectly fitting "you dumb dummies!"

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  50. With Lita as the guest referee.


    ...allegedly.

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  51. I agree. Perkins looked incredibly crisp and spot on.

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  52. I'm a big fan of his 4th-grade putdowns. 'Fartknockers' was pretty classic.

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  53. Downvote for quoting that douche in 2013, or ever. Metallica should have gone away after "Justice."

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  54. And without it ;)

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  55. No, of course. If I quote someone, it must be that I love them and I think St. Anger and Lulu are masterworks.

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  56. JJ is basically under contract but not welcome to come back, so officially I believe international relations is his job description now, like handling Ring Ka King and that sort of thing.

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  57. "Not welcome"?

    Wow.

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  58. English Ed. Walking tomorrow, hopefully on my way to San Fran within the next month or so and ready to get busy living or get busy dying. Or just get a job.

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  59. I'd totally buy a pair if they were the Mechanix™ style where I could remove bolts without getting my hands greasy. A&8s probably wanted AJ to help tune their bikes.

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  60. The only way to know for sure is to get them both naked next to each other, then...



    uh, I'll be back.

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  61. Does anyone know where Chris Harris is these days? I know that the Braden Walker thing turned him into a joke, but an AMW reunion would at least give James Storm something to do.

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  62. He didn't look THAT bad a year or so ago doing that one shot. And could he possibly be worse than friggin GUNNER?

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  63. I think the whole Karen Angle thing killed it for him.

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  64. You still need one dominant voice, like Vince used to be.

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  65. I haven't seen even a HINT of anything from Gunner to do that.

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  66. That's who it was? Cool, I've always liked him.

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  67. They should form a stable of everyone who every played Suicide...

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  68. Whiskey-fueled contemplations (yeah yeah, not a word):

    1. How hilarious is it that Sting, the Stupidest Man in Wrestling, is the guy to get the Park-Abyss connection?

    2. Gunner as A&8s member? - he came into the ring from the A&8s side on Thursday, and is a prime candidate for the 'no respect' card as he's been off TV forever and nobody gave a shit. If this came to fruition, an angle where Storm has to defend the titles with him could be interesting.



    3. Kenny King is on the verge of awesome.

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  69. He and Storm have both got beards - you just don't understand great booking!

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  70. I'm throwing up in
    my mouth and I love it!

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  71. You've never read a Jesse Baker post?

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  72. Your avatar was chosen because you are the number one fan of Vince Russo and his periods booking TNA are your favourite wrestling shows ever though, right???????????????

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  73. That's right, Andy.

    Also, I *am* the devil that descended from Heaven. Yes, *that* one.

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