Tuesday, September 2, 2014

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW–05.08.95

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 05.08.95

Taped from Omaha Beach, Normandy

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler, with no green screen this time!

Jeff Jarrett v. Doink the Clown

Thankfully, Hollygate ’95 has been cleared up, and Jarrett emerged on the Action Zone as the Intercontinental champion, thus ending the one week reign of Abeyance. They should put that guy in the Hall of Fame, as he’s a multiple time WWE champion and Intercontinental champion. This is of course non-title, because DOINK. Doink works the arm while Roadie polishes the belt, but a blind charge hits boot. Sadly, Jarrett makes the cardinal error of pointing to his head to indicate intelligence, and Doink rolls him up for two as a result. Never point to your head! Jarrett takes over with a cheapshot and chokes him out on the ropes, but Doink comes back with a sunset flip for two. Jarrett goes to a chinlock as we take a break, and return with Jarrett going to work on the leg, but Doink escapes with a clownzuigiri that sadly misses. Back to the leg for Jarrett with a half-crab, but he gets caught cheating and is forced to break. Onto the sleeper, but Jarrett puts his head down and Doink gets a DDT to come back. Powerslam gets two. Jarrett retreats to the corner and Dink bites his ass to allow Doink to get the Stump Puller (!) but Roadie comes in behind the ref’s back and clips Doink. Figure-four finishes at 9:27. Good little match! **3/4 I’m wondering if this was Steve Lombardi instead of Ray Apollo, because he was a bit bulkier and wrestled a totally different style.

Meanwhile, the Bodydonnas introduce the world to SUNNY. So that one ended up working out well for them. Really, had it been 10 years later, they would have been perfect as the anti-vampire fundamentalists from True Blood. Except they could have been “converting” ugly people.

Meanwhile, Bam Bam Bigelow reflects on stuff and has some really deep thoughts, man. Vince really, really wanted fetch to happen, but it just wasn’t going to. But next week, he starts going through the Million Dollar Team with IRS.

Sid joins us for an interview, as Ted Dibiase takes credit for suggesting Sid as a bodyguard to Shawn Michaels because he wanted this to happen all along. Sid is going to powerbomb Diesel through the mat and win the title on Sunday. Not to argue with the man, but if he powerbombs Diesel through the mat, he can’t pin him, so his strategy is a bit iffy.

Hakushi v. Gary Scott

Hakushi puts the jobber down with a clothesline and throws chops, but Scott gets a bodypress for two. Hakushi pounds him down again and follows with a front suplex, then finishes with a pretty awesome springboard splash at 2:30. No wonder they turned him babyface.

In Your House Report with Todd. Diesel cutting a serious babyface promo is kind of laughable. Also, there will be NO REPLAY. Until now, when you can watch it whenever you want for only $9.99 a month!

Bart Gunn v. Owen Hart

So yes, this is seriously the main event. Bart works the arm for a while, but Fuji trips him up and Owen runs him into the post to take over. Back in, Bart with a sunset flip for two, but the Owenzuigiri gets two. We take a break and return with Owen in control. Lawler notes that on Sunday he’ll give Bret “a bunch of piledrivers.” Talk about telegraphing your strategy. Bart comes back with a superplex, but now Cornette hooks the leg to block it. Owen looks to finish, but Billy Gunn trips up Owen and he crotches himself. Bart rolls him up for the pin at 8:30 off that. This was fine. **

Meanwhile, Todd and Stephanie check out the house that is being given away. General Electric stove! Real ceilings! The fine print notes that the house has a value of $140,000. My house is 600 square feet and a bazillion years old in the cheap part of the city and we still paid $170,000 for it. Was the Orlando housing market in the toilet or was that place just a dump?

Next week: IRS v. Bam Bam Bigelow starts out Bigelow’s quest to destroy Ted Dibiase! Definitely a better show than the previous shows in the taping cycle.

10 comments:

  1. $170,000 in American or Canadian dollars? Of course, inflation puts the value of $140,000 at about $218,000 today.

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  2. Canadian. Still, $218,000 is practically peanuts.

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  3. Fun fact: I went to a house show in the summer of 1995, and Hakushi didn't bother putting on his tattoos. Yep yep yep...

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  4. I'm still waiting on WWE to give away another house to entice people to send in their address for their mailing list. I need me a catalog of awful merchandise cluttering my mailbox every now and then.

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  5. THEY WEREN'T REAL??? Next you're gonna tell me Kwang wasn't an actual martial artist but instead a chubby Puerto Rican.

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  6. Messed up part that a lot of people don't realize...when you 'win' something like a house or a car (to name two examples) you get stuck paying the taxes on it.

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  7. You should move to Canada then. Lottery and sweepstakes winnings are tax exempt. HIGH FIVE UP HERE!

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  8. As a further example to this, the Canadian version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire was actually worth far more money than the American one, even after exchange rate is factored in, because taxes wipe out half of the prize money in the US and you get all the money in Canada.

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  9. As a further further example of why we're awesome, if you win the lottery in Canada, the government cuts you a cheque for the entire amount, done deal. And it's all tax free. No installments needed.

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  10. Undertaker I guess missed these tapings. They took hbk off the road too to sell injuries. No wonder wwf starting tanking. Amazing

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