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Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 6 - "Paint the Island Red"

In our last episode, "Scared Straight", several of our divas learned about the lengths to which they or someone else would go to protect their family:

  • Cameron, who gave up her career as Naomi's valet so that she could train in NXT, took off time on a moment's notice to fly across the country to help determine if her 15-year-old delinquent brother was all right. Cameron found him hanging out with friends, smoking a bong that broke when she dropped it on a sidewalk, and arranged for the most stereotypical ex-gang members to perform an intervention. It worked, the brother returned home and agreed to be more responsive to his family.
  • Eva Marie was concerned upon learning that there had been a robbery near her house and wanted to move -- but Jon, her husband, wanted to get a gun instead. Guns scare her, but she was willing to compromise and visit a gun ranch so she could try to overcome her fear by shooting a few assault rifles at paper targets represented by zombies which is, apparently, the new "threat" in the eyes of gun nuts. Despite her shooting a light out on the range from a recoil and declaring that she didn't want a gun, her husband bought one anyhow -- while she was on the road.
  • Daniel Bryan is still having issues with injuries and may need more surgeries. Though Brie seemed to understand this, she still defended his right to use herbal medicines and natural homeopathy as his main treatment, even when everyone around her was telling her that modern medicine and surgery was the only real, viable option.
Guess what? This is a double-header. E! has decided to punish Matt and I by airing episodes back to back. But, wait! There's MORE! To supplement a desire to get healthier, lower BMI and get a more toned body, I'm now greatly reducing my own alcohol intake to a single glass of wine on true special occasions - not just, "Hey! It's Sunday! So this recap will be my first where I'll have watched this train wreck totally sober. Think good thoughts for me I'll need them! (MATT: Me too. I'm a bit of a sponsor here. I'm on caffeine...heeeeelp meeeeee...)

SAN DIEGO, CA

Preptkitchen (Restaurant)
The Bella twins are wearing tight dresses showing lots of cleavage. (MATT: They'd wear this stuff to a funeral. And thank you for the cleavage.) (You're welcome, Matt.) Nikki asks Brie to compliment her shoes and then says she needs a drink. Brie says she always needs a drink. Nikki says John Cena will be arriving in a special car they've nicknamed "Buttercup". Upon finding out the champagne she's drinking is Spanish, declares it makes her want to spend a day in Mexico. Brie wisely points out Spanish champagne is probably from Spain not Mexico. Nikki says they're in San Diego, near the Mexican border. So she's justified in sayin that. They argue about it. (MATT: There's no wine in the house. And the three bottles of Guinness in the fridge...those don't exist. THEY DON'T EXIST.) Brie: "I feel bad for you Nicole, because your brain works very slow." Nikki insults Brie's fake diamond necklace, in retaliation. Brie insults Nikki's diamond pendant as it's not an engagement ring. (MATT: This is what war would look like if Hillary Clinton was elected.) John arrives and "Buttercup" is a Ferrari. (MATT: #RUSSOSWERVE) Cena is concerned about Brie and asks if her career in WWE is over. There's no answer because there's a man eating and getting avocado all over his face! They make fun of him! It's a laugh riot! (MATT: Ha! It's funny because it's all fun! OMG...I might need that Guinness...)

Titles.

OTTAWA, CANADA

Arena (Backstage)
Cameron hugs Seamstress Sandra who we haven't seen for a while. Cameron tells us on camera that she's now back in WWE. (MATT: And...really, there's been no improvement if Cameron's botch a few weeks ago was any indication.)

(MATT: I've got nothing more to add here.)

Meanwhile, Rosa, Summer and Eva Marie are doing photo shoots. Rosa feels like she and Summer are outcasts.

Break Room
Cameron talks all about her training and Nikki is excited that they're gonna see a new Cameron in the ring.Nattie says they have a big trip coming up -- Eva's bachelorette. They plan their time off - Eva Marie wants a full-on party even though she's already married and doesn't drink. Natty confesses on camera that she and TJ are taking a break and she's not living at home. I wonder if Jarrod knows. (MATT: How are these two not divorced again?)

Friday Night Smackdown - AJ vs Cameron - Ringside
Cameron tells the camera she's back playing this wonderful new character. She is in the ring and  is putting lip gloss on when AJ attacks her. She fights AJ with some fairly decent moves -- but, whatever, The Bellas are more important.

PHOENIX, AZ

Brie's Car
Nikki laments that John is gone filming some movies and she can't remember the titles. (MATT: Neither can any of the fans.) They agree that neither of their men can go to the bachelorette party. Nikki says they should go and have sister time and get drunk since John and Daniel won't be there. Nikki sips her water and claims that it tastes unfiltered. Brie admits it's unfiltered sink water because she was in a hurry. Nikki acts like there's cancer in the water. (MATT: Or "Ebola" if we're staying topical) Brie tells Nikki that Josie (the dog) drinks it so Nikki can, too. Nikki fires back: "Josie eats her own shit. Do YOU eat your own shit?" Brie says a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's. Nikki tells her to start eating her own shit so she can have a cleaner mouth. Brie is silent. (MATT: What? Brie's not gonna Google that for accuracy?)

TAMPA, FL

The Grind Coffee Bar & Cafe
Natty visits TJ and says that it's nice to see him -- but was going to say something else, starting with "It's nice to have..." TJ doesn't look at all happy and asks her if she meant that it's nice to have space. She says it isn't. He asks if she wants space. She says she has no idea what she wants because she can't relax. TJ says he knows because that's how she's been for the last 13 years. She wants to get to the bottom of it because she says she may be the problem after all. (MATT: So, suddenly, we're all supposed to pretend that TJ hasn't forgotten three birthdays and won't look at her while she's wearing sexy lingerie? Oh, ok. PICK A LANE, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.) She asks if TJ wants to work things out. He tells her that he does, so she invites him on the trip and he agrees to this. (MATT: Get out of there, TJ. Get out NOW.) TJ states that Rosa and Summer should find their way to a remote island and never return.

LOS ANGELES, CA

Vincent and Cameron's Apartment
While she was working, Vincent apparently spent lots of time cleaning and organizing. He tells her that they have no more room for any more of their stuff. So, he wants them to buy a house. (MATT: Is there any middle ground on this show? Dangerous neighborhood? Buy a gun. Need a job? Start a bed and breakfast. Christ, about what point does logic kick in and Vincent says, "We need a storage unit"?) Vincent badgers her after she's been home for just ten minutes. Cameron's solution to this fight: relax and then get her hair done. (MATT: Nobody on this show fits. At all.)

CURACAO, MEXICO

Airport
Eva says that they flew during hurricane season. Also, Jonathan, Brie and Vincent's luggage is lost. On the bus to the hotel, Vincent loudly declares that he "has no undies or toothbrush". Nikki says that doesn't matter because Brie Mode is about to happen. (MATT: YEAH, SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR WELL-BEING, VINCENT. QUEEN NIKKI HATH SPOKEN.) Nikki recaps "Brie Mode" as if we have no idea what that is.

Santa Barbara Golf and Beach Resort
They get to the hotel and are stoked to find out how nice it is.

Bella's Hotel Room
Bryan calls to talk about how their house was painted. Brie tells him her luggage didn't arrive. Nikki jokes she will make Brie wear her clothes. Bryan: "NIKKI...DO NOT. DRESS MY WIFE. LIKE A HOOTCHIE."

Natty and TJ's Hotel Room
Natty and TJ hear a couple having sex. TJ suggest they compete with them for volume. (Ha! Matt and I would do that.) (MATT: Shhhhh...) Natty has no idea what TJ is talking about so TJ demonstrates his version of moaning. (MATT: Which sounds like a dog trying to breathe with a collapsed lung.) Natty agrees to this and tells TJ to throw her on the bed. TJ chickens out. (MATT: This is a metaphor for Erectile Dysfunction, isn't it?)

Poolside
Everyone gathers for breakfast. Nikki tells everyone that Brie wore a "wife-beater" (MATT: A term that needs to go away completely.) to bed (Nikki's) but nothing else. (MATT: MOAR OF THIS PLEASE.) Nikki mocks her but Brie explains that she can't be nude sleeping in front of her own sister. Eva Marie compliments Natty on the loud sex noises (Were she and Jon the couple next door having sex?) and Natty doesn't tell them that they were faking the noises to mock the two of them. TJ shows up and seems confused why everyone thinks they had wild sex but the moment blows over. TJ says he has a surprise for Natty. Natty says that she got everyone gifts. And, surprise, Natty's gotten everyone something made of spandex.

The Beach
Eva Marie, Cameron, Jon and Vincent go cliff-jumping despite signs saying that they could die if they do it. Jon goes in fast and Eva jokes the wedding is off because he went without her. Everyone jumps but Cameron who gets teased for this. Especially as young kids jump in. (MATT: Warnings, schmornings!) Cameron finally does and is excited that she did. They do it again and again.

Bella Hotel Room
Nikki wants Mimosas and is bummed that Brie is shopping online. Nikki teases her for getting boring now that she's married. Nikki says she isn't wearing panties. Brie tells her to put some on.

TJ and Natty's Rental Car
Natty is excited for his surprise, asking if she's dressed nice enough. TJ says she is...and the surprise is revealed...

Ostrich Farm
It's an ostrich farm! (MATT: And my body was starting to sweat all the toxins from the alcohol...) Natty says an ostrich looks like summer. They feed them. Well, at least TJ does. Natty keeps running from them. (MATT: Just like Summer or...?) Natty tells the camera that she doesn't know why ostriches should be involved in a romantic getaway. (MATT: JESUS CHRIST, WHAT TOOK HER SO LONG TO COME TO THIS CONCLUSION?!)

TJ and Natty's Rental Car
Natty: "Do I have to do a mating dance to entice TJ?" She wants more romance...doesn't she know who she's married to? She says that it's the thought that counted.

Poolside
Everyone's hanging out at poolside. Vincent keeps away from everyone, sitting on his phone while the girls are having fun. He thinks he'd be a fifth wheel. Nikki says he's a nice guy, despite his goofy behavior. Nikki tells him that he should "lay down the law" when she tries to push him away. Natty comes back from Le Ostrich Farm and tells everyone about the trip. Everyone is confused. Nikki asks if TJ set up a "table for two". (MATT: AT AN OSTRICH FARM, NIKKI?! REALLY?!) Natty says she can tell the girls anything (except for that sex noise bit, I guess) but she hates throwing TJ under the bus all the time. (MATT: Sadly, everything TJ does is a liability, so that's not even possible.) Vincent sends the whole thing off sitcom-style by nearly killing Nikki with a champagne cork. Cameron yells at him like an adoring girlfriend.

Bella Hotel Room
Brie is wearing one of Nikki's dresses which fits perfectly. Nikki feels the need to stuff the dress anyhow. It doesn't work.

Shore - American Seafood Grill
Everyone arrives for dinner. Eva and Jon are late as they were having a quickie beforehand. Natty's jealous of it. (MATT: Is this the same Natty who can barely talk about sex?) They laugh at how bad Brie looks in Nikki's dress. Curiously, Brie also isn't drinking and is also teased for it.

Spa
Brie is looking at fixtures for their house. Nikki wants her to just relax and enjoy the spa relaxation. Nikki makes the situation even better by teasing her for having small boobs. Again. They get their massages, but Brie keeps talking interior design. Nikki tells her she is asleep to try to get her to relax. Brie calls her a bitch.

Resort
Everyone gets red wigs to surprise Eva and Jon, they get on a boat for a sunset cruise.

Cruise
Jon mentions they are moving back to the OC. (MATT: Is that even still a phrase?) Vincent says they are house-hunting which Cameron deflects, saying she doesn't have time. The girls badger her and tell her that they should be looking because a girl in her business will never "have time".

Docks
After the cruise, Vincent walks away from Cameron. He feels like she isn't paying attention to him at all and that he feels neglected. She follows him down the street and he says he just wants to cool off. Cameron, however, won't give him space to just walk it off (which she should). Still, they keep talking (this is a reality show after all) and he thinks she doesn't care. She agrees that so much is going on but she needs to start thinking about how to improve their relationship. She wants a happy medium.

Dinner
Cameron makes a toast and manages to praise herself, explaining that she learned a lot about how to be in a relationship and a friendship. Cameron says they're gonna take "baby steps" -- then asks Nikki to be their real estate agent. Nikki keeps trying to get Brie to drink more. They argue intensely. Nikki insists she will order a bottle of wine and Brie will drink it all. Brie refuses and calls Nikki obnoxious and tries to force her sister to drink. (MATT: Fucking hell.)

Brie tells the camera she hates when people try to "force her into Brie Mode". (MATT: This happens daily?) It makes her want to do the exact opposite.

Limo
They leave in their bus and everyone cheers for Brie Mode.

Bar
Brie wants to leave early and nobody wants her to. Everyone mocks her for not drinking. Brie goes home early anyhow. Good for her for resisting peer pressure and making her own decision. Nikki declares that she's gonna punch her sister in the face when she gets back to the room.

Eva Marie and Natty talk in a nearby restroom. Natty admits she and TJ are not connecting like they used to. She doesn't know how to fix it. Natty says she feels like she is having a nervous breakdown and breaks down in tears. She says TJ doesn't even want to kiss her anymore. Eva says they are good people it will take care of itself. (MATT: Nice job, Eva. Great solution.)

Bella Hotel Room
Brie and Nikki haven't spoken for hours. Brie complains that Nikki tried to make her get into Brie Mode all week. (MATT: Nikki actually denies this. How in the fuck can somebody deny doing something they did eight hours ago?!) Nikki keeps harping on her, saying she doesn't want to drink as it upsets Bryan and Brie isn't happy because she can't drink. Brie insists that this is what she wants in terms of lifestyle. She likes to pick out furniture and have a life with a guy. Nikki is upset her sister is changing and that Nikki is "second in her life (after Daniel)". They hug and Nikki says she can handle it if Brie doesn't go to Brie Mode. Brie gets mad that Nikki wore her dress without wearing underwear. (MATT: Awwww. Always leave them laughing. *Sigh*)

Weekly Wrap Up

DANIELLE

This week's hugs go to: Brie & Natty (tie) - Despite choosing to drink in moderation, Brie had everyone chanting for her to give in (like something out of an ABC After School Special) and even her own sister kept hounding her. However, she stuck to her guns and that's very admirable. Natty - everyone should have a wild passionate, romantic time while on vacation with their significant other and she got ostriches instead and managed not to complain about it too much. She's a trooper.

This week's punch goes to: Nikki - Peer pressuring her sister to drink until puking, making fun of her choice to not do so, her husband, her hobbies, and wearing her dress without underwear? Nikki just really irked me this week. (MATT: "This week"?)

MATT

This week's hug goes to: Natty. I'm not sure she can be any more pathetic than she already is. I'm not sure she can be any more stupid than she already is. It's bad enough she has to be with a shitty husband (one can only hope what we're seeing is completely phony), they actually have her play a submissive little wifey with an abusive husband in Tyson Kidd to remind her how shitty things are.

Annoying Diva of the Week: Nikki. Fuck this one was easy as shit. Danielle covered it above. She's obnoxious as fuck the entire episode, doesn't listen, cares only about herself, doesn't have a brain in her skull and doesn't even seem to realize that she's in a shitty relationship with John Cena -- and then tries to deny it all, deflects blame and, somehow, silently declares herself the innocent party. I've said it once and I will say it again: I think Nikki is a permanent member of this club.


Er, that's it.

Comments

  1. You're selling Kalisto short, which is cool because he's only been a high flyer on NXT. He has a good ground game, too. He can do all sorts of crazy shit from the mat, like kip up into a hurricarana. But he can also do chain wrestling, too.

    His indie counterpart, Solomon Crowe, needs to debut. That guy is incredible and works a very, very stiff style.

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  2. CHAMPAGNE BY DEFINITION ONLY COMES FROM THE CHAMPAGNE REGION OF FRANCE! EVERYTHING ELSE IS SPARKLING WINE!!!

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  3. I will never watch this show. But, I had to see that gif.

    :: sigh ::

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  4. agreed on the techincal definition of champagne, the twins called it champagne (as did the waitress), so we did, too.

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  5. I was speaking to them. I have no reason to go Zana Mode on you.

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  6. Agreed, Zan. Agreed. :( It's all sparkling wine.

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  7. TseugThatsGuestSpeltBackwardsOctober 16, 2014 at 4:27 PM

    Ha, selling him short, I get it!

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  8. Total Divas = #HEALTHFOOD

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  9. Cameron showed that she is a student of the business, paying tribute to Kamala like that.

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  10. This week on the BoD I learned that apparently hating the Bellas makes you a bad person. I am a very bad person.

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  11. This show. This fucking show.

    I mean, look, don't get me wrong. Following the WWE locker room around and making shows out of their backstage behavior could work very well IN THEORY. Hell, I think we'd all watch some reality documentary thing along the likes of Backstage Pass or True Life, maybe with a little self-aware JBL and Cole Show thrown in.

    But this is an insult. They are presenting this as real life while writing every second of it. Bad enough that the stories are beyond stupid -- you're actively undermining people. Case in point: Nattie and TJ have known each other all their lives; there is NO WAY TJ would be this out to lunch as a husband. But they're presenting him -- not Tyson Kidd, HIM -- as a neglectful, clueless, piece of trash that Nattie would've never married in the first place. And for what? A show none of their primary audience wants to acknowledge? A show where you're introducing women to the product by making the people look like awful human beings?

    This goes past insultingly stupid and into borderline character assassination. It's pathetic.

    And I'm glad you watch it and I don't, Danielle.

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  12. I'd bet everything I own that this is getting cancelled when the season ends.

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  13. CruelConnectionNumber2October 16, 2014 at 5:20 PM

    THIS IS WHY I THINK NXT SUCKS --- Sami Zayn is a LOSER. He lost to freakin' Titus O'Neil who is a Grade F WWE jobber. Zayn is interrupted by a LOSER in Tyson Kidd, another Grade F WWE jobber who LOST last week on NXT for the 100th straight time. Kalisto is fun to watch. Sin Cara just sucks. Another Grade F WWE jobber. I don't want to watch any match involving him. Mojo Rawley is terrible. Go far away. ENZO AND CASS are great. They get a 30 second segment. No issue with the Divas match. Two jabrones in the main event. Zayn wins. Good. I guess. I turned the show off after the Divas match. Not exciting.

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  14. davidbonzaisaldanamontgomeryOctober 16, 2014 at 5:32 PM

    To quote Ben Kingsley in the Jag commercial, "Oh yes, it's good to be bad."

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  15. Would never pay for your reviews. Ever. Not in a million years. That said keep up the work, this show is great.

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  16. I've always told people I don't feel bad as a wrestling fan because reality TV is even trashier and seemingly everyone watches that.

    Raw the worst thing on TV? No, it'd this abomination.

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  17. Don't underestimate the power of the E! viewing audience... :(

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  18. When are you writing BoD Total Divas?

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  19. One more thing about Nikki that bugged me from this episode:
    Last season, wasn't Nikki co-signing Brie cussing out and threatening Summer for simply TALKING to Daniel Bryan? Isn't Nikki the one who acts like simply talking to anyone's man -- let alone flirting with them -- is grounds for an ass-whuppin'?
    So why do I see Nikki in this episode talking to Cameron's boyfriend with her chest all out, giving him "advice" on how to get his way with Cameron? Now I'm not saying Nikki's behavior with Vinnie was bad, but you know if Summer or another girl was all, "Tee-hee, you're a nice guy..." to Cena while wearing a two-piece, Nikki would be ready to knock her out.

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  20. They're already second-guessing Crowe's gimmick and are apparently holding him off TV until they find something different for him. Normally you'd think they'd let someone actually make it to TV before they started meddling, but I'm not the guy writing this stuff.

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  21. I don't know Matt...cover Natty's face up and I'd jab that wolf for TJ. He can smash Jarrod.

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  22. Who the fuck pays for reviews?

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  23. I doubt that Bayless. This is the only thing WWE hasn't screwed beyond repair. They need at least 2 more seasons to completely get it cancelled.

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  24. Crikey Mate Down Under AussieOctober 16, 2014 at 7:51 PM

    Found out today that "Itami" means pain, so I guess that makes sense.

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  25. That's incredibly stupid. I mean, yeah, a hacker is kinda a stupid gimmick, but the guy's not getting any younger. Best to throw him out there with whatever stupid gimmick, let him get some experience, and repackage him later.

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  26. Is this considered PG? A bunch of lost chicks cussing like sailors ain't selling me.

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  27. I agree, the hacker gimmick is dumb, but that name is great. He would make a great dark, creepy character, if only Bray Wyatte hadn't locked that schtick down. Actually, he'd make a great tag partner for Wyatte. Would love to see him brought in, not as a brother, but as a shady old acquaintance.

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  28. What are the odds that they have a plan for Corbin that isn't 12 weeks of jobber squashes followed by being fluke pinned by a lukewarm face?

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  29. Nice strawman.

    You were actually cussed out for not liking Bryan Danielson (use of real name because you were attacking the human being, not his persona) based on the character his wife plays on a shitty reality show.

    Nobody likes the Bellas

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  30. I think they were actually going to debut him but he suffered a left leg injury at the end of September at a house show and isn't cleared to wrestle again yet.

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  31. If you have a shitty spouse it reflects poorly on you. That's just the way it is, regardless of if a small handful of most ardent fans disagree. Not a good look for D Bryan imo.

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  32. I actually found Nattie kinda hot at that point. Or maybe it was that she was willing. I can't decide.

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  33. The entire show is hypocritical. So you're right on.

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  34. I've asked the same question. Tommy says he makes good money off them on Amazon or something. I don't get it, he's very bland, unfunny and his reviews drag on.

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  35. That goddamn fucking gif..

    Vince, just kill the entire division dead please

    They have had only 3 matches in the last 10 years anyone gave a shit about (Id say...Lita/Trish RAW main, Trish/Mickie WM22, and I guess Trish retirement match).

    Just kill it. You'll never have another Trish, you'll never have another Lita, no young female fans can look up to these current skanks. Kill it

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  36. Her bodies killer. And her face isnt THAT BAD.

    Lets not act like we are all perfect 10's ourself and we would honestly turn down mauling Natty

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  37. Yours and Ryan Byers' reviews make this shitshow worth it.

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  38. There were already enough red flags, but the moment that made me realize this show was all fiction was when Trinity was mad at Jimmy Uso and decided to "shoot" on him in a tag match. With a Hurracanrana. A move that requires the cooperation of the receiver. Nevermind the fact that she would've been fired on the spot if she really took liberties like that.

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  39. Guinness is a light beer and contains less calories than most comparable light beers. One should be able to enjoy in moderation even while dieting!

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