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The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW–01.29.96

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 01.29.96

Woke up at 2:00AM this morning feeling like my wife was punching me in the kidneys, and while that was not something that would out of the ordinary, it was not her in this case. Three hours later in the ER, I discovered that I’ve reached the special age where I start getting into troubles like kidney stones. And they fucking HURT. Like someone squeezing your nut until you want to puke on the floor.

Still better than watching RAW these days, though.

We’ve been plowing through season 3 of Sons of Anarchy during my recuperation this afternoon and we’re almost done the season, and this fucking Ireland deal…fuck. Enough already with this priest and JImmy! Just give Jax his kid back so we can get the hell out of this country.

Taped from Stockton, CA

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler

The British Bulldog v. Diesel

Who would possibly want to do a rematch of one of the biggest PPV main event disasters in the history of the company? Diesel quickly throws elbows in the corner, but Bulldog takes him down in the corner and goes to work on the leg. He pounds away and Yokozuna joins us at ringside while we take a break. Back with Bulldog holding a half-crab and choking Diesel out on the ropes. Bulldog continues with the clubbing forearms while Diesel sells the leg and bails to the floor, but Yoko puts him back in. Diesel comes back with Snake Eyes, but Yoko sneaks in behind the ref’s back and accidentally drops the leg on Bulldog, allowing Diesel to get the pin at 8:13. Vince is like “Give credit to Big Daddy Cool!” For what? Moving out of the way when a slow-motion Yokozuna tried to legdrop him? *1/2

Billionaire Ted calls a press conference to explain his motives for trying to put the WWF out of business which turns into a ridiculous name-calling tirade, as the “reporters” accuse WCW of somehow using predatory business practices by putting Nitro on at the same time. And then Huckster notes that his contract states that “he never loses”, when in fact at the same time Hogan was jobbing to a woman’s shoe on Nitro. And they also have the balls to put Eric Bischoff’s letter on screen, smugly hiding behind their right to parody and free speech. And it would get WORSE.

The Bodydonnas v. The Godwinns

So all of a sudden, both the Bodydonna and Godwinn gimmicks are tag team acts. Skip’s new partner Zip is of course a repackaged Tom Pritchard, clearly the guy you think of when you hear “fitness guru”. The Bodydonnas double-team HOG, but he quickly makes the hot tag to Phineas, who finishes Skip with the Slop Drop at 2:18. I guess you could call it a successful repackage in that the Godwinns stuck around for a long time. DUD

Rowdy Roddy Piper joins us in his new position as President while Gorilla is away on Vader-induced leave, and he gives a crazed speech about nothing and then finishes with an airplane spin on Vince.

And now, MANKIND cuts a promo from the shadows.

Yokozuna v. Shawn Michaels

Vince and his “whoa ho ho!” reaction to Shawn stripping gets creepier every week. Vince notes that Shawn has never backed down from a challenge from anybody. Except for the nine times he vacated titles without losing them in the ring. Or the time someone asked him to take a drug test and he left the promotion for months. But that one kind of crosses over with the first one anyway. Shawn slugs away to start and puts Yoko on the floor, then stops to high five everyone in the front row as we take a break. Back with Yoko missing a corner splash, as Shawn follows with a moonsault press for two. Yoko dumps him to the floor and runs him back-first into the post, and we get a lengthy nervehold before taking another break. Back with Shawn missing a flying splash, but making the comeback regardless. Two flying forearms put Yoko down, but Shawn goes up and gets caught in the corner. Owen runs in, but misses a heel kick, and Shawn finishes with the superkick at 11:44. Rough night for Yokozuna. ***

Next week: Shawn & Diesel v. Yokozuna & Bulldog, plus Bret Hart v. Undertaker!

Eh, it was better than kidney stones.  In the case of Billionaire Ted, not much, but better. 

Comments

  1. A kidney stone angle? What is this WCCW?

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  2. when did shawn refuse the drug test?

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  3. 93. The story is that he was either asked to take it and refused (Shawn's version), or took it and failed (WWF's version), which is what led to him vacating the IC title and leaving.

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  4. Just stop SOA after season 5 - for your sanity

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  5. Feel better, Scott, KIDNEY STOOOOOOOONES are something I wouldn't wish on my enemies (actually, yes I would, they're my enemies)


    Between kidney stones and the latter half of Sons S3 and that fucking Ireland shit (good god, the Irish variation is straight up out of the WWE Stereotype playbook), I might choose the stones, but thankfully, the season finale made up for all of that.

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  6. There's going to be so many kids named Jax in the next few years. It's the Haley of our generation.

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  7. I would name my kid Jax, but mainly because I'm a Mortal Kombat fan. I do nickname my dog Clay Morrow because she has a nice Ron Perlman-esque underbite; I bought her a black hoodie for the winter to complete the SAMCRO-looking ensemble.

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  8. Did you rant on the Vader/Gorilla ep?

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  9. HBK title forefittings:


    IC Title HBK and the steroids incident


    IC title HBK forfitted the title to Dean Douglas after getting assaulted outside the ring in real life.

    Tag Team Title HBK split from Diesel in a storyline thus vacating the titles.

    Tag Team Title HBK and Diesel were stripped of the titles due the fact they pinned the wrong man in the match.

    Tag Team Title HBK w/ austin ended up in a real fight with Bret Hard backstage,

    WWF Title HBK forfitted the title because he lost his smile.

    European title HBK laid down to his good friend and partner Triple H

    Tag Team Title HBK eliminated his own partner (cena) in a Battle Royal for the tag team championship

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  10. How the fuck does Yoko sneak up behind someone's back? That's like having a tank sneak up on you. The fat guy breathing alone should have alerted the ref to him being in the ring.

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  11. He failed a drug test for steroids and was suspended six weeks in 1993. He's admitted he was on plenty of drugs at the time but steroids weren't one of them.

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  12. How many ***+ Yoko matches are there?

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  13. He had a great 45 min steel cage in la against Bret when he was champ

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  14. How many minutes of that were the nerve hold? 42?

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  15. No way. He's have died by 35.

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  16. Actually I would pay all the money to watch Yoko try to climb his fat ass out of a cage. Doesn't even have to be a match going on.

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  17. I've passed two kidney stones (caused by dehydration, drink your water kids) and the worst pain comes from the stone passing through the kidney. Feels like being stabbed. Oddly enough peeing them out never hurt.

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  18. Most of them took place during an era where top guys didn't do jobs so I don't think him not losing the tag team titles means anything. I doubt he got in a locker room brawl with Bret to avoid dropping the tag team titles. It's a lot, but were any of then really a big deal?

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  19. From intros to finish. I remember it had 2 intermissions:

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  20. Losing his smile to not wrestle at mania?

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  21. He had a knee injury. Who's to say he didn't?

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  22. I don't think the next WWF Champion really needs to lose to Dean Douglas, or the WWF and IC Champion need to put the tag team champions over.

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  23. Almost everyone who has a belt loses it in the ring. That's how wrestling works. Seems odd that HBK has the triple crown of vacating titles.

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  24. He seemed to go from having to retire to moving nicely around the ring really quickly.

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  25. And yet Bret Hart is accused of not fulfilling the TIME-HONOURED TRADITION...

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  26. He didn't. Shawn dropped the title on his way out, Bret didn't.

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  27. Bret was more than willing to drop the title on his way out

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  28. But...but...he would of if they rescheduled both the location of the PPV and his opponent!

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  29. Feel better Scott

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  30. 1) Immediate suspension, how's he going to drop the title? 2) Was he not hurt? He's also the next top face so stripping him of the title keeps him strong and builds sympathy. 3) They could have lost, but which of 1994's tag teams should the Wrestlemania main eventers lose to? Men on a Mission? 4) The pay per view was sold on a bait and switch, that's why Bulldog was in the match in the first place. Shawn and Diesel weren't going to lose either of their titles and had to win the match without becoming champions. 5) He quit after a locker room fight, I doubt he started that to avoid losing the tag team championship. 6) He was hurt. 7) It was a comedy angle to make DX more obnoxious and get the title on Hunter. 8) That's a bit of a stretch. Why not blame Cena? Comeback Shawn wasn't afraid to job.

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  31. You really are his press secretary.

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  32. Yes, just not to who he was supposed to. Or where he was supposed to.

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  33. The main reason Hart had the problem with Michaels is that when Vince had first told Hart the long-term plan was to get the title to Michaels, which he didn’t oppose at first, and Hart told Michaels he was fine losing to him, Michaels came back and said he was happy he said it but that he wasn’t willing if asked, to return the favor. It’s hard to believe he said that, but he actually said it on two different occasions. This came shortly after Michaels had gotten the finish of the European title match with Davey Boy Smith changed in a U.K. match, as Smith was going to beat Michaels to retain his title. The office booked it that way largely to prove to the locker room Michaels would lose a big match because so many guys were mad, because Michaels had publicly talked in the locker room about how he doesn’t do jobs. Smith had then dedicated the match on television to his sister, who was dying of cancer. Then, the night of the show, they came to Smith and said that they were switching the title, with the idea of building a huge rematch on a U.K. only PPV early the next year where he’d beat Michaels. This came in the dressing room just before the match and he couldn’t even tell his sister beforehand that he was losing, and she did not take it well. I know this sounds silly today over a “fake” wrestling match but it was a different business then. You want to know how much heat Michaels had. In that period, there were two wrestlers I had to talk out of fighting with Michaels (neither of which was Hart, because he and I weren’t on speaking terms at that time), because I told them it wasn’t worth losing your job over, and both were guys who would have been fired in an instant for it. This was well before Hart was leaving.

    Most champions of that era under those circumstances would have outright refused to drop the title to a guy who told them to their face twice that they wouldn’t return the favor if asked. Michaels, on the documentary, did say he crossed the line with the “Sunny Days” comment, which was a catalyst for a lot of problems. It was that comment that led to their backstage fight. Michaels, then single, now married, said if someone would have said that on TV about him, he’d have immediately punched them in the mouth.

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  34. http://www.reddit.com/r/SquaredCircle/comments/2gq30x/dave_meltzer_on_wwes_coverage_of_the_montreal/

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  35. Shawn himself... he "needed surgery" and a few weeks later told everyone he was okay and didn't need the surgery

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  36. Steve Austin didn't lose the IC title. Warrior didn't lose it. They probably didn't see any need for their injured next big star to go out of his way for Dean Douglas.

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  37. The only one I have a problem with is his 'lost smile' forfeit. Shawn didnt want to do the upcoming job at mania and he was an emotional wreck from sunny breaking up with him to get back with Candido right before this

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  38. Come on, dude.

    2 and 3 are easy enough to do. 5 and 6 are indefensible.

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  39. Warrior didn't lose it because he had become the I-C champion. I didn't like how Austin lost it the 2nd time to the Rock.


    Him not doing the job in 97 is bullshit. And 95 as well.

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  40. He didn't walk into Taw planning to get into a brawl and quit over it, I doubt losing the tag team titles was a concern of his at the time. Who knows if he was hurt? Who knows if he was really supposed to lose to Bret? In Bret's own book it's a lot of him suggesting he beat Shawn and not a lot of Vince firmly going with it. Either way Shawn could have been hurt, how do we know he wasn't?

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  41. I'd be an emotional wreck too if 1996 Sunny left me.

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  42. Bret's leaving, Shawn's staying and it's Vince's belt. It doesn't matter if Shawn's a jerk or if Bret doesn't like him.

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  43. Shawn was supposed to job at Wrestlemania 13 and the "knee injury" was his way of getting out of doing the job. He was having other issues at the time. None of them prevented him from laying down for the three.

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  44. Another doctor suggested he could rehab it. Surgery or rehab it's still an injury.

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  45. He showed up that day, and claimed a career ending knee injury and gave the lost my smile promo and handed Vince the belt and refused to even lose in his “last career match.”

    Of course, he was back two months later, without having surgery, and as good as ever. What he also missed was WrestleMania, where he was going to lose to Hart, but the title match by that point was Undertaker beating Sid.

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  46. Yeah, SOA season 3? Not great.

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  47. Bret was also only leaving because Vince was breaching his contract.

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  48. But they never mentioned that the contract gave Hart the power that in the last 30 days, it was not a boss/employee relationship, but a collaboration, the creative control clause was that both sides had to agree on all booking. This is where the Paul Heyman talking head of “Vince is the boss,” falls apart, because it was in the contract both had to agree

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  49. 6) He was hurt.


    LOL!


    Being butthurt over returning the J-O-B to Bret counts as hurt right?


    Nobody ducks out of a Mania main event to get a simple knee scope.

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  50. The only one that annoys me is the list smile one. He coulda jobbed it to Sid even with his "knee injury". And the European Title one shouldn't be on your list. That was great booking.

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  51. I agree it was great booking and I loved that particular raw. However, it was one time where he had a title and didn't lose it in a legit wrestling match.

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  52. yeah I am not going to get into an argument with him

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  53. His posts making fun of Bret are funny, but this is probably the most ridiculous non-trolling I've seen.

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  54. Strangly, that was the only time where traditional booking suggests that he should have forfeited it like Warrior and Goldberg forfeited their secondary titles after winning the world title. But that HHH farce match was a much better idea.

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  55. plus it was a big fuck you to sarge, bret, owen and especially bulldog.


    I loved the "yo sarge I did it"

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  56. I actually didn't view it as a fuck you to the Harts (unlike the Bret midget and horrible Neidhart burial). Seemed to me as a good fuck you to Sarge (like u said) but also a way to elevate HHH a bit who hadn't had a title in a while and really was just Shawn's stooge until the night after WM14.

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  57. Theberzerker! HUSS!December 22, 2014 at 9:43 PM

    I remember seeing this Mankind promo for the first time, I kept thinking "THAT'S what they're doing with Cactus Jack? That was totally Cactus Jack.", not even realizing that was the first time kayfabe completely dropped for me.

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  58. Same here. I'm from Philly and watched a lot of ECW. I was appalled they were doing that with Cactus. And while I loved the Mind Games match with HBK (I was there), I didn't come around to "Mankind" till those mid-97 interviews with JR. and the emergence of the Dude.

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  59. I like the part in Roddy's promo where he calls Vince a "sweet kid" and pats him on the head.

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  60. I had my first bout with kidney stones earlier this year. Unfortunately, I was working an hour away from the nearest hospital at the time it hit, and my less-than-sympathetic coworker (and the only other human being around) just stared in annoyance at me as I writhed in agony and began dry heaving from the pain.

    Thankfully I was able to drive to the hospital in what was the longest hour's drive of my life.

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  61. I had a kidney stone once, one of the worst pains I've had in my life.

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  62. Yeah, I remember being highly disappointed when I saw the gimmick they stuck Cactus Jack with. It was pretty bad, but Foley made it good.

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  63. Sexy Flexy Biff KensingtonDecember 22, 2014 at 9:56 PM

    I've been dealing with kidney stones since late May. It's a bitch.

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  64. Dr Facts HallenbeckDecember 22, 2014 at 9:58 PM

    This is why I always drink water with sofas.

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  65. Sexy Flexy Biff KensingtonDecember 22, 2014 at 9:58 PM

    Scott, a very melancholy 'welcome to my world'; I've been dealing with kidney stones since May. If you think it's fun now, wait until they shove a stent up through your bladder into your ureter and see how taking a piss feels. I pray that you manage to pass it without having to opt for the medical procedure, because at times in the past year, suicide has looked like a gorram vacation.

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