Tuesday, December 9, 2014

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW–01.08.96

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 01.08.96

And now they double back and add the missing January 8 episode, although the atrocious RAW Bowl episode is still MIA. Current theory on Reddit is that there’s music rights issues. Whatever, I’m just happy to have the gaps filled in.

Oh, also, PRIMETIME WRESTLING begins this week on the Network.

*drops the mic*

Oh yeah, that just happened.

Taped from wherever.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler

Jeff Jarrett v. Hakushi

Jarrett dumps Hakushi, but he comes back in with a flying shoulderblock and JJ bails to escape. He’s already ready to walk out on the match, but decides to bore us further and attacks to take over. Choking on the ropes and we take a break, returning with Jarrett using an abdominal stretch. Hakushi escapes that dire circumstance, but JJ comes back with a DDT and dodges a dropkick for two. Jarrett grabs a chinlock, but Hakushi comes back with a handspring elbow for two. A splash hits knees and Jarrett finishes with the figure-four at 8:00. Clearly neither guy gave a shit at this point. *

Royal Rumble Slam Jam with Jim Ross and Scheme Gene. Nothing to this.

Ahmed Johnson v. Jeff Bretler

The jobber appears to be wearing Abdullah the Butcher’s pants, and Ahmed suplexes him around in pretty stiff manner. Spinebuster and Pearl River Plunge finishes at 1:30. Who let that goof on TV with that gear? Jeff Jarrett tries a sneak attack afterwards and then decides to run away instead.

The Ringmaster debuts on the Brother Love show and Dibiase officially crowns him as the new Million Dollar Champion. Austin cuts a pretty good promo to start his new gimmick, but what a lame name to overcome.

Goldust v. Aldo Montoya

Clearly the push for Aldo was done. Goldust attacks and hits him with a backdrop suplex, as Vince notes that he “knows how to get heat”. GET IT? Goldust stomps away, but Aldo comes back as a JELLYFISH OF FIRE, but walks into the Curtain Call at 3:00.

Shawn Michaels announces that he’s coming back at the Royal Rumble. Lucky group of reporters who got to attend that press conference. Also, apparently at this time Shawn inherited $2.5 million from a fan and tried to keep it quiet. That’s a lot of blow money. No wonder he was able to stay wasted for four years straight.

Meanwhile, everyone gives their thoughts on Shawn entering the Rumble.

And we finish with a full replay of the Bret Hart v. British Bulldog match from IYH5, complete with uncensored blood. Too bad they didn’t edit out the weak finish. Did they not have enough footage to do a full show and needed to pad out the last half hour or something? Especially since it was a giant slap in the face to the miniscule audience of PPV buyers at that point.

Meanwhile, Billionaire Ted is looking for a new slogan, and settles on “Where the big boys play”, because it’s just dishonest enough to sound believable. Nacho Man suggests drug testing, but Huckster notes that they have nothing to worry about, because they’re not in the WWF anymore. What a load of horseshit. Shawn Michaels was probably running on caffeine and a giant bag of amphetamines while doing that stupid press conference. I feel kind of dirty and sad even watching these.

Next week: Well, we already covered that one. Probably back to Nitro.

115 comments:

  1. Prime time wrestling on the network?

    OH GLORIOUS DAY!!!!!

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  2. Wait. Someone presumably not related to Shawn left him 2 million bucks?
    Wrestling fans. Jesus Christ.

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  3. I've never heard the Shawn Michaels fan money story. Is that true?

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  4. Was about to say the same thing. Never heard anything on that at all, what's the scoop?

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  5. Theberzerker! HUSS!December 9, 2014 at 10:12 PM

    So all this stuff hitting the Network now...think it was the guy they let go's fault for everything coming in such little bits and pieces for a while? Or just generally getting desperate?

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  6. I don't think the Bret/Bulldog finish is that weak. Bret's blade job was ridiculous though. I haven't seen the match in a while but I recall Bret blading in obvious view of the camera after not even getting hit in the head.

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  7. It was all over the sheets back then. Some older fan died and left him the doe in his will

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  8. It was pretty much a fucking power move to run those Billionaire Ted skits.

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  9. They must want my money again.. Was probably going to order it again for the Royal Rumble, but this makes that decision easier.

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  10. I'm excited for PTW to start running, but I'm also sort of surprised they're even bothering. There can't be too many people like me clamoring for Tito Santana squashing Dusty Wolfe.

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  11. A fan left Shawn $2.5 million? Yeah, well, fans used to buy Bret's meal at Denny's all the time for having the best match in the card.

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  12. Let's be honest, people are excited for Gorilla and Bobby's banter in between matches, not the matches themselves.

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  13. Theberzerker! HUSS!December 9, 2014 at 10:30 PM

    With tears in their eyes.

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  14. It was the most obvious of his secret blade jobs, although if you're Vince you'd have to take note of how often Mr. Safety happens to end up accidentally bleeding. It added to the match though, I can't imagine there being much drama to a Bulldog title match without it.

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  15. I never knew that the Hogan - Andre angle had so much behind it. I only remembered some Piper's pit segments.

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  16. I didn't either until I started watching hear shows but the slow build leading to Andre's heel turn was masterful

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  17. The matches are dreadful on the first dhow the network is showing

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  18. https://twitter.com/JRHWriting/status/542556119860666368

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  19. Dory Funk, Jimmy Hart and Adrian Adonis?

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  20. you know it. Airs Saturday night on the schedule

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  21. Did El Dandy ever pick up a check?

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  22. Man, we had Prime Time, 3 eps a month on Classics On Demand. They actually ran in chronological order for years, from 86 thru the 90's until the station was canceled.

    What are the chances the Network is still running it in order, say, 6 months from now.

    ClassicsOnDemand > Network

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  23. I remember a promo where Jarrett said one of the reasons he left WWE in 1996 was because of Ahmed. Was there any story there?

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  24. HowmuchdoesthisguyweighDecember 9, 2014 at 11:35 PM

    Was it going to be taker vs Ahmed instead of Vader?

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  25. Was that the one about facing a guy who could barely speech English?

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  26. Possibly, it was during Jarrett's Aztec Warrior phase where he got a PPV match against the Undertaker.

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  27. I don't doubt it.

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  28. Really? YOU DON'T SAY!

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  29. Could you refresh me on my bad memory cause for the life of me I cannot remember him in any PPV world title matches. If it was on RAW then I probably didn't see it since i haven't watched RAW since WM.

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  30. In fairness to Rollins, the world title usually isn't held up for six months out of most years

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  31. They swore it was the best meal they had ever bought for anyone in their lives.

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  32. But Taker had so much built-up credibility from the previous six years that the fans instantly bought him as a title contender (and, in fact, as a guy who was a virtual uncrowned champion for many of those years). The fans wanted to see Undertaker as champ and felt he more than deserved it.

    Reigns, on the other hand, is getting the definition of a forced push.

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  33. "Also, apparently at this time Shawn inherited $2.5 million from a fan and tried to keep it quiet."

    So Shawn was lying all this time; he really IS a boy toy.

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  34. "Also, apparently at this time Shawn inherited $2.5 million from a fan and tried to keep it quiet."



    Keep in mind, this is Shawn "Lost His Smile" Michaels we're talking about. Are we SURE this isn't high-grade bullshit?

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  35. I think it was because Jarrett was mad that he had to 'carry' Ahmed, who he felt was not a good worker, which made their matches not particularly good, and made Jarrett look bad.

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  36. Shawn inherited $2.5M from a fan? And people insist the '96 run bombed, lol. Seriously though, never heard that story before.

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  37. Virgil's Gimmick TableDecember 10, 2014 at 1:12 AM

    Sounds like a long shot, but hey. It worked for his cousin

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  38. Yeah, Jarrett's shitty "shoot" when he returned in '97. "A black man who can't even speak the English language." He also called his future manager Debra "gives new meaning to the term 'dumb blonde.'"

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  39. I mean...all accomplishments in WWE happen because Vince and Hunter have a "man-crush" on you.


    Brock Lesnar was written to beat Undertaker and written to suplex Cena to death. Those aren't legitimate accomplishments, so why does Reigns' win bother you?


    Superstar of the Year is a popularity contest, it's fan-voted for fucks sake. Was the voting legitimate? Eh? Who cares? But complaining that your biggest heel didn't win the "We like this guy a lot" award is retarded.


    And as to Brock not being on the list, Paul Heyman took him off because "Brock doesn't care about the fans" or whatever.


    Your complaint is stupid.

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  40. a female deer

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  41. He was in the Four Way at Battleground and he was in Money In The Bank. They weren't that memorable, to be fair.

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  42. I believe his name was Chuck Austin.

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  43. They will probably start showing the studio shows with Heenan and Sean Mooney.

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  44. The hell?
    And that was a strange answer by Scott too. Am I missing something (per usual?)

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  45. I don't get why people here seem to hope Reigns fails. I'm always hoping someone fresh will come onto the scene and here's a dude who can and hopefully will do so. Its a win for us or me apparently, a win for Reigns and a win for the E. Seems like a no brainer.

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  46. And who thought having Bryan make HHH and Batista tap at WM just to go on the shelf 2 months later was a good idea.

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  47. When convenient, yes.

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  48. Wasn't that the guy Hunter almost crippled with a botched pedigree way back when?

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  49. It's not really a new day?

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  50. (Stevie) Ray, a drop of golden sun!

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  51. ITT: People mad that their favorite wrestler isn't the most popular wrestler in WWE

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  52. If that's true, it makes him look even more childish for complaining about Bret making more than him in 1997.

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  53. 1. That looks more like a shitty web design mistake than them rigging the vote by blatantly putting two names on one "button."

    2. Who gives a fuck? Seriously, who? Including the WWE? If they chose the winner ahead of time (and they did), there's no reason to rig anything.

    Christ, some smarks are like 9/11 truthers.

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  54. You care way too much about this.

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  55. No, he was the guy that Marty Janetty did cripple with a botched Rocker Dropper. He got something like $18 million in a settlement with the WWF.

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  56. I'm more than happy to wait until Wrestlemania to start binge watching.

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  57. Holy shit, LOL

    No, they didn't break the law. Please don't talk about things you have no clue about.

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  58. None. This is one of the dumbest things anyone has ever posted here.

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  59. Now that PTW is up, what's the next thing we bitch about not being there? Saturday Night?

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  60. Extant1979 - Mr. Cable AccessDecember 10, 2014 at 5:30 AM

    Fa(tu) A long long way to run!

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  61. I think it's fair to say all of his singles matches have been 'forgettable'

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  62. I think they realize that the mainstream audience isn't buying the network, so now it's about keeping the hardcore fans from cancelling their subscription by giving them all the rare old-school stuff they've been asking for.

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  63. I think he's saying in terms of kayfabe, there are several "superstars" that have done more significant "sports-entertaining" in the last year. One being the current WWE champion, who (again--in terms of kayfabe) has both beaten the Undertaker at Wrestlemania, and destroyed Jesus Christ at Summerslam. These seem to be much bigger deals (again--in terms of kayfabe) than anything Reigns did.

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  64. I remember that story going around, that was crazy.

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  65. On Stone Cold's podcast recommendation, I watched the 96 Rumble this weekend and wow was it awful. Jobber after jobber with nothing happening and a dead crowd (rightfully so). No eliminations for the first 15-20 minutes and no star power in the ring - one of the worst Rumbles by far.

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  66. WHO ARE YOU TO DOUBT EL DANDY'S FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY?

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  67. "Austin cuts a pretty good promo to start his new gimmick..."


    Sorry, current WWE revisionist history says that Austin was a great wrestler but not a great talker or personality before coming to WWE, so the above cannot be true.

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  68. "As someone who works on websites and apps an awful lot, that seems to be the case of someone coding two buttons together by accident"


    As someone who has worked on websites since the 90s, that looks to me like someone has some badly thought-out CSS specifically as regards setting a border-top or border-bottom.


    This is the most spurious conspiracy evidence I've ever seen.

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  69. I think it's hilarious that you actually think I was being serious with my post and you start going off on a rant on how my complaint is stupid because I'm taking the Slammys seriously.

    It's almost as if you've never used the Internet before and think everyone is being super serious about what they post.

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  70. Thanks for that, I actually have zero memory of those matches for some reason.

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  71. It's a Canadian thing.

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  72. Due to onions in this instance.

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  73. Austin himself has said as much, though not to the intentionally exaggerated extent that you said. He's said time and time again that he loved the stuff he was doing with Pillman but it wasn't until ECW that he was *really* cutting promos.

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  74. I'm excited for Scott ranting on all of them!

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  75. Mi(a Yim), I call myself.

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  76. Benjamin LeathermanDecember 10, 2014 at 7:14 AM

    You all win the thread. +1 internets.

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  77. And that was before Ringmaster....

    I was referring to the Austin documentary where Vince pretty explicitly talks about how Austin was a great worker but he wasn't a fan of his charisma. Fortunately, the doc is somewhat saved by Joey Styles pointing out that had someone in WWE watched Austin's ECW promos, they never would have saddled him with Dibiase.

    It's honestly just another case of Vince's complete lack of awareness of anything that exists outside his bubble.

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  78. Well i have a giant chunk of the show already in the can from the 24/7 days, but I'm excited for the early stuff for sure.

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  79. I'm excited for the 2015 Scott Sez comments on your giant chunk! Uh.

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  80. I find it fitting that you care so much about other people caring.

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  81. I'm a dullard and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be looking at.

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  82. There's no divider between Reigns and Bryan, which may indicate that they're the same button. Essentially, each vote for Bryan could have possibly counted for Reigns.

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  83. This explains why half the audience was holding up their phones chanting, "You f'd up!"

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  84. The Love-Matic Grampa!December 10, 2014 at 9:41 AM

    I just find it funny that this is their idea of giving Reigns much-needed momentum going into Wrestlemania. Not wins over top talent or a compelling narrative chronicling his road to the title, though. "No, let's give him a Slammy! That little trophy will rally the fans behind him for sure!"

    Granted they've got a few months to go, but WWE has got their work cut out for them

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  85. They should just not have fan voting or even pretend to. Would they rather have (a fake version of) the prestige of the Oscars or of the Viewer's Choice Awards?

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  86. The matches are rigged also, they know who is going to win before it even happens.

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  87. I liked the one against Bryan in that gauntlet.

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  88. Longest match, probably against Orton. Best match, probably his part of the Daniel Bryan gauntlet.

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  89. You remind me of a guy who quit the E-Wrestling Fed and then said we should be worried about getting sued by the WWE because of the use of some of their copyrights.

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  90. He seems to have a pretty good idea, plus what he said was that the thing they *didn't* do would have been illegal. You seem pretty worked up about people's criticism (and this wasn't even a criticism.)

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  91. The innitial comment and response are both sarcasm. Since smarks hate reigns everyone does, that's a fact son.

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  92. Personally I think its pretty sleazy of WWE to rig it considering people are actively going out their way to vote when in reality it was already handpicked. Doesn't that go exactly against Vinces comment on the podcast stating the fans choose who gets pushed..

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  93. I'm making a Game of Thrones joke.


    Reigns looks like a Dothraki.

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  94. Lots of Latinos with bandanas on threatening to fuck each other up...

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  95. Ahhhh cool! I can see that. :) He could be a stunt double!

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  96. I feel the same way. I was 13 at this point and I remember the machines (and I liked them, so sue me) but I don't remember the subtlety of the angle, just Andre being on the pit and ripping off the cross. On a related note of things I don't remember: Black Jack Mulligan. I was watching anything and everything WWF back then too. I watched all the syndicated shows even though there was a ton of overlap and I watched Primtetime. But I simply don't remember Black Jack Mulligan or the vignettes. Then again at 41, I find myself not remembering a lot of things from back in the day. Memory seems hit and miss.

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  97. Ahhh but thats a snarky attitude to have to assume he is being sarcastic. A rare misstep for you john.

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  98. Ah, the "I'm just joking" defense, the bastion of idiots and imbeciles. Carry on then.

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  99. Superstar of the year has never been about Kayfabe achievements. Bryan won last year and 2013 was objectively pretty terrible for him. (Held the title for a cup of coffee, lost a bunch of title matches, stinger...)



    There was always an element of "fan's-choice" to it, like...completely. Name me a heel that's won it? It's like, you want to bitch about the Slammy's being less than legitimate? Seriously? Modern WWE is such a kayfabe murdering mess and this is the thing you get upset about? Even when there's never been precedent for giving it to the monster heel?

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  100. People really want Crazy Jean Ambrose to get the slot I think.

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  101. Spewing all that anger on the Internet suggests you have a serious issue. You should see a psychiatrist or something.

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  102. I'm not upset about any of it because I didn't even watch or care at all about the show. I was just pointing out what the OP was trying to say. Roman Reigns can "win" the award for the next 10 years for all I care.

    The point of this post, just so we're clear, is that I really, truly don't care.

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  103. And maybe one day he will. One doesn't kill the other.

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  104. https://33.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lflnsoqp8C1qf4elio1_400.gif

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  105. Good for you, it's best not to care too much about most of what happens on Raw.

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  106. Dean is going to do fine, he's dangerous enough to draw the older fans and safe enough not to scare the kids away.

    I do think that people are still upset that Roman was set up as the "Next Guy" from the beginning and they're letting it blind them to his considerable upside.

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