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More On The nWo

   Found a match on youtube.  Austin and the Rock vs. NWO from a RAW in 2002.  Did you have any idea that this happened, and if so, WHY WAS THIS NOT ON PPV????

Uh, because they’re STUPID?  Duh.

Here’s the RAW rant, by the way:

The SmarK RAW Rant - March 11 / 2002
by Scott Keith

The SmarK RAW Rant – March 11, 2002

- Okay, quick pimping before we begin, as I had quite a few people asking about the Stampede Classics tapes that I reviewed the past couple of weeks. I’d recommend hitting, where he has a “Calgary Tapes” link, and there you will find all 5 volumes on one tape.

- Live from Detroit.

- Your hosts are JR & King.

- Opening match: RVD & The Hardy Boyz v. The Dudley Boyz & William Regal. The Hardy & Dudley Boyz are now apparently thrown into a four-team elimination match for the tag belts at Wrestlemania, even though the APA forfeited their shot on that Smackdown a couple of weeks ago. I guess maybe by WWF logic they just forfeited the one-on-one match or something, I dunno. Not that anyone cares about the belts at this point. Big brawl to start and RVD gets a somersault senton for two. Regal knees him down. Jeff comes in and goes after Bubba, but gets dumped. Back in, he falls victim to the Wazzup, and D-Von pounds him in the corner. Hot tag Matt, and it’s Poetry in Motion for two. We’re fully BONZO GONZO and Jeff takes 3D, but Matt gets the Twist of Fate on D-Von, Bubba gets a Bubbabomb on Matt, Rob missile dropkicks him, and then finishes Regal with the frog splash at 3:59. Hot finish, but no substance to the match. *1/2

- Earlier today, Vince calls an emergency Bored of Directors meeting, where he blames Flair for the directionless ship that is the WWF. Gee, and here I thought it was the internet fans’ fault. Tonight, the Bored must choose between Vince & Flair or something.

- Kurt Angle comes out to complain. He wuz robbed against Jericho, thanks to Kane. So we have another match for Wrestlemania, although Kane isn’t actually here tonight. He calls the fans stupid, and Booker T comes out to defend their honor. He points out that they’re beyond stupid, so now Edge interrupts this interruption to point out how dumb Booker is. So we get clips from the Weakest Link to set up Edge v. Booker at Wrestlemania. Man, this is some masterful writing here. Angle then ruins all my fun of hating this interview by declaring that he’s “crisp and clean with no caffeine, bro!” and thus making me choke on my iced tea as a direct result. He busts out a rather pathetic Spinarooni as Booker tries not to lose it, and the end result of all this silliness is Angle & Booker v. Edge & the dreaded Mystery Partner later tonight. See, one thing with Edge – why did he suddenly gain 50 IQ points when he turned face? Why shouldn’t he continue being a clueless nimrod, albeit one who’s fighting for good? Nobody ever accused Ricky Morton of having two braincells to rub together, and he did just fine as a babyface.

- Meanwhile, apparently Steph did get custody of Chyna, although she seems to have had some more plastic surgery done…oh, wait, sorry, that’s Lucy the pitbull. Steph seems to hate her, but at least she has someone at her acting level to play off of. HHH is delighted to see the dog, and really beefs up that macho image by gibbering at the dog in baby-talk, but Steph presents a court order saying that she gets custody of the dog because HHH abuses it. Yeah, I’m sure a judge is gonna issue a court order based solely on Steph’s say-so.

- Rikishi v. Test. Rikishi slugs away and gets a pair of clotheslines, but misses the boot and gets superkicked. Samoan drop and butt splash set up Cheeks of Fire, but Perfect runs in and allows the Big Boot to finish at 1:57. Yeah, whatever. ¼*

- Meanwhile, Jericho visits Steph, and he also hates the dog. But wait, the really HILARIOUS part is up next: The dog goes poo on the floor. HAW HAW HAW. Wow, fake poo, is there anything funnier than that? I have to wonder if HHH is really dumb enough to involve himself in something this retarded or if he’s just following the lead of the Desire videos and sacrificing himself for the greater cause of sabotaging Jericho. Or maybe Stephanie just has him REALLY whipped. Pick ‘em, I guess.

- Meanwhile, Jericho takes Lucy for a walk (is that name a rib on someone?), while carrying his belts with him of course, and ties her to a limo. Quick, someone call PETA!

- Meanwhile, DDP & Christian work on smiling. Billy & Chuck take issue with them because I guess they want to be the hottest couple in the WWF or something. The upshot is Christian v. Billy, TONIGHT.

- Meanwhile, in at the Emergency Meeting, Vince shows footage of the Flair-UT brawl from Smackdown. They note that Flair was arrested, but the question of how he actually got out of jail again is not addressed at all.

- Hardcore title match: Goldust v. Al Snow. The plunder is pre-loaded for this particular match. Well, that just takes all the fun out of it. They brawl out to start, but Goldust quickly sets up for Shattered Nuts, which misses, and Snow finishes with the SnowPlow at 1:03 to win the title. Well then, I’d say that’s about it for Goldust. DUD

- Meanwhile, Jericho is about to go shopping for air freshener, but truly Russo’s Law (“Given a series of alternatives for a storyline, inevitably the most fucking stupid one will result”) reigns this time as the limo backs up over poor Lucy and hopefully kills the stupid thing.

- No, sadly, the dog is still alive. Had they killed the dog, it’s a thumbs up show. And now HHH is all concerned and actually talks to the dog under the limo, promising that help will be here soon. You know what would rule? If Jericho ambushed the vet’s ambulance and then ran it over with a semi-trailer. Then they could do HHH & Lucy v. Jericho & Stephanie as the main event of Wrestlemania and have the dog be the face-in-peril and build up to the big heat spot where the dog makes her own comeback and then tags HHH in. Because, really, once you’ve had the fake poo and doggie murder skit, there’s no lower level to sink to anyway, so you might as well pile it all on for your own amusement.

- Kurt Angle & Booker T v. Edge & Big Show. Normally I’d mention that Big Show was just playing a heel last week, but really by this point he’s a 500 pound Tom “Rocky” Stone anyway so why even worry about it? Booker hammers Show, as does Angle. Show no-sells and press-slams Angle, and pounds away. Angle snaps off the anklelock, but Show shoves him out, and tosses Booker. Edge then dives onto both heels, via Show. Back in, he gets two on Angle, but gets suplexed to end that. Hot tag Show, and he boots both guys, missing by a good 6 inches each time. Angle & Booker try a suplex, but of course it’s reversed. Angle dumps Edge, but Show tries to chokeslam him, only to get Booker’s sidekick in the face and his ankle locked. The submission is elementary at 4:41. Show, as usual, dragged this down to his level. *

- Meanwhile, Stephanie is worried about the injured dog and what it’ll mean to her, but Jericho has a devious plan. Was this REALLY a necessary segment? I mean, isn’t this storyline taking up enough TV time as it is without wasting two minutes for Stephanie to give the obvious reaction?

- Billy v. Christian. Winner gets a last name again. Billy slugs away, and gets a tilt-a-whirl slam for two. Jackhammer sets up the Dumbasser, but Christian bails to escape it. Chuck nails him on the outside and tosses him in, where Billy completes the move, but DDP sneaks in with a Diamond Cutter to give his pupil the win at 2:08. They celebrate, but Christian turns on him. Talk about your Insta-Feuds. ¼* And what’s the point of using Billy here? This does nothing to hype the tag title match on Sunday, unless they were planning on doing the more logical Billy & Chuck v. Christian & DDP match at Wrestlemania and doing the turn there, but instead this was just used to set up Christian v. DDP and ½ of the tag champs jobs for no real reason. I don’t get this booking at all.

- Meanwhile, as the Bored of Directors fights to stay away through Vince’s INCREDIBLY BORING SPEECH, he wraps things up by demanding that Flair’s embarassing actions result in the bored stripping him of his powers. This coming from the guy who rubbed his ass in JR’s face while wearing a cowboy hat, drugged his own wife (who is sitting right there) while making out with a 22 year old blonde, and specifically brought the nWo back into the company to destroy it? And FLAIR’S the one who needs to be brought before the board? I mean, what does the “Vince is backing the nWo” storyline no longer exist or something? Whatever happened to that, anyway? And since when are Flair & Vince even feuding again – Flair’s been busy dueling the Undertaker for the past month and suddenly we’re supposed to remember that he and Vince have a rivalry again because they want to do some contrived setup for the split? Linda wants to adjourn & deliberate. Why does she even have power? She gave her 25% of the company back to Vince in storyline terms. If she has power, then by definition Vince only has 25% himself, right? This is a huge mess. These are things that we shouldn’t even need to think about but we’re forced to because they can’t or won’t keep track of them themselves.

- Lita & Trish v. Jazz & Stacy. Jazz backdrops Trish to start, but Lita gets a slam for two. Note to the guy in the middle rows with the “Scott Keith (heart) Lita” sign – thanks for the plug, but I’m more of a Trish kind of guy. And is it me or does Lita look more and more doped-out during her entrance every week? I mean, seriously, Amy, cut back on the hard shit before showtime. Jazz chickenwings her and Stacy chokes her out in the corner. Lita comes back with a sort of powerbomb for two, and it’s breaking loose in Tulsa. The faces double-team Jazz but miscommunication results so it doesn’t look TOO much like a 2-on-1 this Sunday, and Jazz pins Lita at 2:23. Weak ending. ¼*

- Meanwhile, HHH is BACK.

- Stephanie comes out for an interview so she can pass the buck for the Lucy Incident. She loves Lucy! Hey, we all love Lucy, that’s why it was on the air for so long. HHH drags his knuckles out and the fans are ready for some good ol’ fashioned misogyny, but Jericho attacks him with a sledgehammer. Hey, it’s “HHH Master Plan #1A” from the playbook. Maybe Jericho can be the Cerebral Assassin now and gain 70 pounds in water weight, too. He can just say he was starting small, with dogs, and working his way up. Jr suspects this may have been a setup. HHH clutches his quad muscle in pain, worried that it may be detached again. Hell, the guy’s lost his leg, his dog, his car and his wife – just write a country music song about him and get it over with! Drooling fanboy alert: During the scuffle, HHH pulled Stephanie’s pants down over his ass for a few seconds, revealing that in fact she goes commando. I leave as an exercise to the reader to find your own pictures. As HHH is escorted up the ramp, Jericho pops out and clips him again. See, this angle would have been fine without the preceding 80 minutes of bullshit involving the dog and the car and stuff. HHH goes after Steph, Jericho gets revenge by taking out the same leg with HHH’s own sledgehammer. That’s practically fucking Shakespeare compared to the dog-murder angle and poisoned-lotion epic.

- Meanwhile, back in the boredroom, Vince wins his vote of confidence, but they reserve the right to review their own decision after Wrestlemania. So….that’s not really a vote of confidence if it’s only for 6 days, is it? That’s more of a vote of “what have you done for me lately?” Flair, after the decision has already been rendered, decides to speak up in his own defense, and uses the time to cut a promo against Undertaker while a bunch of dull-looking executives look on. Oh MAN this whole series of stuff was brutal. I understand the end goal – the split – but to suddenly stick this contrived “emergency meeting” into a live TV show a few days before the biggest PPV of the year without any kind of buildup or planning just reeks of desperation. I mean, we’re supposed to be building to “the biggest match in the history of our sport”, who gives a fuck who the owner of the company is for the last show before then?

- Rock & Steve Austin v. Kevin Nash, Scott Hall & Hulk Hogan. Hall slugs away on Rock to start, but Rock goes after Hogan and takes a cheapshot from Nash. Big Poochie comes in and nearly kills Rock with a sideslam, which gets two. Snake Eyes and Hulk comes in. He hits an Axe Bomber and pounds away, but Rock fights them off. It’s Austin’s turn and he cleans house, but Nash can’t sell the Thesz Press. Jesus, how hard is it to do – you FALL BACKWARDS. Spinebuster for Hall, but Nash gets the big boot. Hall pounds on him in the corner. Blockbuster gets two. Nash unleashes his awesome offense, making sure to miss all his punches by six inches but hit the crotch chop with 100% accuracy. Hall gets a clothesline for two. Hogan does some choking, and Hall gets his goofy chokeslam for two. Razor’s Edge is reversed, but the hot tag is cut off as Nash discombobulates Austin with a clothesline. Wazzupwitdat? Hot tag happens, but Nash immediately cuts off the comeback with another clothesline. What the fuck? Hogan comes back in, but Rock pops up, and Nash cuts off ANOTHER comeback, decking him from behind. Hogan and Rock tussle on the ropes as Rock tries to throw punches and Hogan won’t cooperate, and he finally finishes with the big boot and legdrop combo at 9:12. I’ll refrain from judgment on the big picture here until after Wrestlemania, but I will note that while the standard tag formula was okay, Nash blew almost every spot and looked horrible, while Hogan can’t even choke convincingly anymore. *1/2 I don’t get why they didn’t have a third guy to do the job for the face side instead of using Rock yet again, though. I’m assuming that Rock HAS to go over crisp, clean and with no caffeine at Wrestlemania, but you can never be sure anymore, which is why I’ll save judgment until afterwards.

The Bottom Line: Well, I guess they figured 6 days before the show was a good time to throw some matches out there, which they did. Huzzah. The show overall sucked doggie dick, with a series of lifeless, joyless, pointless and witless skits that built to nothing surrounded by shitty matches that meant nothing.

Oh, well, it’s been a month, time to change direction again, I guess.

Until next week, someone buy me that Jim Cornette DVD, because I’m curious to see what the difference between it and the WWF one is.