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The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact–03.22.12

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 03.22.12

Taped from Orlando, FL.

Your hosts are Mike Tenay & Tazz

Let us take you back to Victory Road, where Bobby Roode lays out Sting and duct tapes him to the ropes, like an evil Red Green. Sadly, Roode’s verbal and physical abuse of Dixie Carter is hidden behind still frames, which somewhat lessens the impact. Pardon the pun.

Dixie Carter joins us to start, and who the hell thought that putting her on TV as a character would be a good idea? She feels that she has no choice but to fire Roode, but Sting interrupts and DEMANDS that James Storm be allowed to get revenge on her behalf. And he can’t be the GM anymore, at which point we take a break. Who puts an ad break during an interview? Back with Sting now promising to get healed up and return as a full-time wrestler. So in his place: Hulk Hogan. Wasn’t that the guy who was supposedly driving the company into the ground in the storyline?

X title: Austin Aries v. Zema Ion v. Anthony Nese v. Kid Kash

Kash and Nemes are “in the ring to my left” here, so obviously they’re still focusing on Ion as the main challenger. Kash drops Nese with a suplex for two, and dodges a crossbody attempt. Nese dumps Kash, allowing Aries to come in with an elbow in the corner, but Nese hits a Broski Knee for two. Ion dumps Nese and goes with Aries, and Aries gets a double downward spiral on Nese & Ion for two. Everyone to the floor and Aries hits the suicide dive, but Kash dives at him in turn. Ion gets his dive, a moonsault, and Nese finishes the series with a nice hands-free backflip over the top onto the other three. Back in, they all stack up in the corner for a Tower of Doom spot, but Bully Ray runs in for the random DQ at 4:35. Ray lays out the three challengers and Aries is like “WTF?”, so Ray boots him down too. Just a bunch of spots with no finish. *1/2

Meanwhile, Mexican America have to play Repo Games to keep their car. Anarquia is very stupid and is unable to win his low rider back, so he offers to pay in cash once they win the tag titles tonight. I miss Homicide.

Knockouts Tag Titles: ODB & Eric Young v. Rosita & Sarita

I’d ask why Eric Young is holding the women’s tag titles, but it’s kind of a hopeless battle at this point, I think. Luckily even Tazz is questioning the sanity of Young being a tag champion in the women’s division. Young wants to start with Rosita, but ODB tags herself in and beats the hell out of her. She misses a broncobuster and Sarita takes over and flips her hair a lot. I suppose if you can’t work, at least learn to flip your hair properly. That’s the Kevin Nash theory of wrestling, for those keeping track. Rosita stomps away in the corner, and man she’s tiny. ODB fights them both off and it’s hot tag to Eric, which hardly seems fair. Young loses the pants and the women stop to admire his beard, which of course sends ODB into a jealous rage. They have a quarrel, but stop to make out before Young pins Rosita at 4:17. Who booked this crap? Especially when they can’t show man v. woman violence, so ODB is forced to work the entire match. And Eric Young is beating women half his size and we’re supposed to CHEER him? DUD

Meanwhile, Crimson lets us know that he dumped Matt Morgan as a partner over a car insurance commercial, and a brawl erupts between them. That’s right up there Edge & Booker T feuding over shampoo in 2002.

Meanwhile, Dixie Carter has no time to talk.

Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy meets up with Joe Park Esquire, who still can’t find his brother. He can always make a living as a Penn Gillette impersonator if nothing else.

A good Beer Money retrospective video sets up a James Storm interview. He wants to kick Roode’s ass at Lockdown and calls him out for a beating right now, but instead Roode sends out his legal advisor, William Kelly, who speaks with a British accent and so must be evil. He reads a prepared statement from Roode, who is home in Toronto, as Storm gets Chris Daniels & Kazarian tonight instead. And of course the lawyer gets superkicked. They should keep this character around, actually.

Meanwhile, Kurt Angle is IRATE that Garrett Bischoff is going around bragging about lasting 5 minutes with him last week, and challenges him to another match tonight. Bischoff better be careful or Angle will go crazy on Twitter and cut a drugged-out promo on him.

Garrett Bischoff v. Kurt Angle

Bischoff’s dorky track pants remind of 1999 Shane McMahon without the bumps or entertainment value. So this week it’s a 3:00 challenge, as Angle is confident that he can tap Garrett out in that time. Shoving match burns up a whole minute and Bischoff gets some clotheslines and a terrible Ace Crusher for two. Angle dumps him to block a second attempt, so Garrett basically tells him that he’s going to run out the clock and runs away, but Gunner comes out for the DQ at 2:30. Really? Another DQ finish tonight? Jeff Hardy makes the save. DUD

TNA Tag titles: Samoa Joe & Magnus v. Mexican America

Why would Sarita & Rosita bother to change outfits in the 30 minutes they had between their match and this one? Joe pounds Hernandez into the corner to start and the champs do some nice double-teaming into a Joe senton for two. Magnus elbows Anarquia down and slugs him into the corner, but walks into a clothesline and the heels trap him in the corner. Hernandez gets a body vice into a backbreaker for two, and they get a double-team on the ropes for two. Hernandez with a bearhug and he gets two, but Anarquia misses a charge and Magnus comes back. Hot tag Joe and he walks away from a missile dropkick attempt and hits Hernandez with a Rock Bottom, then chokes out Anarquia. The chicks run interference, but the Repo Games guy comes out and repos them. Magnus gets rid of Hernandez and they finish Anarquia at 5:30. I don’t know why WWE hasn’t gone after Magnus by now – he’s got a great look and he’s a decent worker. This was fine and I’m glad to see Joe looking motivated again. ** Plus they can get some mileage out of this tag team thing before they split up them and do that feud.

Meanwhile, Anarquia attacks the repo man and gets nowhere, resulting in the girls leaving with the guy from TV.

James Storm v. Christopher Daniels & Frankie Kazarian

I’m not sure if this is a three-way or a handicap match or what. We’ll say handicap until proven otherwise. Kaz and Daniels argue over who gets to beat on Storm and take turns on him. That goes on for a while with no real momentum to the match, but Storm suddenly superkicks Kazarian off a mistake, and then finishes Daniels at 3:15. Another crap match in a series tonight. ½*

Main event interview: Sting joins us again with Dixie Carter, wanting to know her decision. Sting, the dumbest man in wrestling, trusts Hogan implicitly, so Dixie gives in and allows Hogan to have the job. And before Hogan can even say anything, that’s the end of the show. Really? That’s their finish?

The Pulse:

I certainly picked the wrong show to review this week. Maybe they should bring Russo back. No, wait, I don’t want to say something I can’t take back.

Big thumbs down.