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The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant - 03.26.12

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The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 03.26.12

Live from Atlanta, GA

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler, plus Booker T because they were shooting Smackdown matches anyway.

Randy Orton & Sheamus v. Daniel Bryan & Kane

Oddly, the graphics show Orton, Sheamus and Bryan as Smackdown wrestlers, but Kane gets a RAW graphic for his name.  At what point did Kane move to RAW, exactly?  Orton makes out with AJ, but can’t use the inspiration to put Orton down.  Orton gets the Garvin Stomp and a clothesline for two, but Bryan tags out to Kane when Sheamus comes in.  Sheamus goes after Kane’s leg, but gets elbowed down, and Kane drops an elbow for one.  Sheamus goes up with the battering ram for one, but stops to chase Bryan and gets hit with a flying knee off the apron by Bryan.  And we take a break. Back with Bryan beating on Sheamus in the corner, but a blind charge misses and it’s hot tag Orton.  Powerslam for Bryan into the draping DDT, but Kane pulls Bryan out to save him.  This leads to Orton and Kane brawling  until Bryan gets a cheapshot, and Orton is YOUR douchbag in peril.  Kane with the corner clothesline for two.  Sideslam gets two.  Kane to the top with the flying clothesline, but Orton makes the hot tag to Sheamus.  He runs wild on Bryan and dumps Kane, leaving Sheamus and Bryan alone.  AJ comes in to plead for her man’s safety, and Kane chokeslams Sheamus behind the ref’s back to give Bryan the pin at 11:33.  Good long match to open the show.  ***1/4

Michael Cole joins us in the ring to announce that he has been named OFFICIAL COMMENTATOR for Team Johnny.  So Johnny Ace introduces the Official Flagbearer Vickie Guerrero (that’s gotta be a gigantic rib on Big Johnny) and David Otunga for a match, I guess.

David Otunga v. Santino Marella

Yay, this again.  Santino gets a facelock, but Otunga nails him with a clothesline from behind and stops to get into a flag-waving contest with Hornswoggle.  Naturally this leads to the Cobra at 1:25.  Santino is about to give Johnny the Cobra as well, but Miz attacks him to save, thus earning himself a spot on the team.  As with all the other GM battle segments, this was basically just an angle and not a match.

Hell In A Cell video package.  Still no word on HHH putting his career on the line, so I guess it’s not happening.

Eve Torres v. Kelly Kelly

I was really hoping the token Divas match would be AJ getting the belt from Beth Phoenix to pay off that storyline, but I guess that’s post-Wrestlemania.  That’s also more evidence that Bryan will retain the title, because the two of them as World champions would be too awesome for one show to contain.  Kelly gets a rollup for two, but Eve takes over with an armbar.  Kelly gets her stupid spinning headscissors and pounds away in the corner, but Eve shoves her down and then misses a moonsault, allowing Kelly to get the pin at 2:25.  If anyone cared about the Divas I’d say they should have put the heat on the heels before Wrestlemania, but there’s no illusions about it being any more than a bathroom break after Hell in a Cell anyway.

CM Punk v. Christian

Sadly, this is not the promised ONE MORE MATCH for Christian in exchange for his patronage on Team Johnny.  Chris Jericho appears and now has information about Punk’s mother:  She’s a kind and decent person with no vices whatsoever.  However, his parents were married late, so Punk is legally a bastard.  So with that, Christian attacks and tosses him, and pays the price when Punk kicks the shit out of him, showing fire he hasn’t had in months.  And he finishes the beating with a GTS onto the stairs, as the match is basically a no-contest with Punk snapping and putting the Vice on Christian until the ref pulls him off.  So now we know that Punk is PISSED and means business on Sunday.  Good stuff.

Brodus Clay v. Curt Hawkins

Shouldn’t Clay have moved up to the next tier of jobbers by now?  Hawkins clips him and actually gets a near-fall on him, but Clay bulldozes him with the usual and finishes with the splash at 0:55.

Big Show v. Primo

Are they seriously using the tag champions as job guys now?  Show tosses him around and chokeslams him at 0:41.  Epico takes one as well, but more importantly Cody Rhodes has a promo to cut.  And also, Christian is once again “injured” via Punk, so Team Johnny needs yet another final mystery member.

Meanwhile, the Bella Twins take different sides in the GM war, and Zack Ryder continues being a moron with Eve.

Mark Henry v. The Great Khali

Khali chops him down, but Henry hits the World’s Strongest Slam at 0:41 to represent Team Johnny.  This proves to be merely a backdrop for a huge brawl between the two teams, as we now learn that Drew McIntyre is replacing Christian, and Booker T is the newest member of Team Teddy.

And finally, The Rock is out for the final verbal showdown with John Cena before Wrestlemania.  Rock talks about how everyone bugged him for 7 years about coming back again and how Betty White was throwing herself at him.  John Cena comes out for the rebuttal:  Everyone hates him, but he’s gonna win, and he’s been around for the longest and he’ll continue to be around after the Rock leaves again.  They don’t like each other, and they’ll see each other at Wrestlemania.  Good enough.

The Pulse:

Wow, that show was a whole lot of nothing. See you Sunday for Wrestlemania.