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The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant–03.19.12

The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 03.19.12

Live from Philadelphia, PA

Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler

CM Punk is out to talk about Jericho’s talking about his daddy.  But he wants everyone to know that even if you’re a kid who got dealt a crappy hand in life, you can still be great like him.  Life is about obstacles, and Jericho is just another one for Punk to overcome.  Jericho pops up via satellite to offer his apologies for crossing the line last week and saying things about his father.  However, his SISTER is a whole other story.  That was some evil glee when he delivered the line.  Punk has some bleeped retorts to end things.  This was a much better turn for the story, because it’s about Jericho being an ass rather than any soap opera secrets and such.

Kane v. Big Show

My dreams are still haunted by their match at King of the Ring 99.  Cody shows a highlight reel of Show’s Wrestlemania follies, and then distracts Show long enough for a Kane chokeslam and pin at 0:52. Cody re-enacts the Mayweather loss, by tying up Show and boxing him, with gloves mind you, until refs break it up.  Feels like they’ve run out of stuff to do with this feud and there’s still another two weeks until the show.

David Otunga v. Santino

It kind of drives me nuts that they put the US title on Santino and then make it a prop for this GM feud.  Santino shows us his (painted) abs as they pose off to start, but Santino hurts his leg in the process and Otunga attacks him.  Santino quickly comes back with the cobra and SMASHES JOHNNY’S CELL PHONE, allowing Otunga to hit the spinebuster for the pin at 1:43 (maybe 30 seconds without the posedown) and Cole to say “building momentum.”  Is it 1999 again with these 30 second matches and I missed the memo?  Of course he pinned the US champion and it means nothing.  That’s Big Johnny’s personal property!  Teddy gets his revenge by doing the thuggin’ and buggin’ dance at the top of the ramp.  That’ll show him.

Lord Tensai, a bald guy with Japanese ties, is apparently coming, which makes all the denials from Matt Bloom seem pretty silly.

Meanwhile, at the Rocky statue, the Rock has come back to Philly.  Rock talks about watching the legends in Philly and headlining his first Wrestlemania here in 99.  He beat those legends and now he needs to beat Cena to cement his legacy.  Cheesesteak will be shoved up Cena’s candy ass tonight and all the legends (including Randy Savage from heaven) will pay tribute to him.  You know, a heel cutting a promo this bombastic would come across as a huge jerk, but I guess that’s part of Rocky’s charm.

Daniel Bryan v. Zack Ryder

Wait, Zack Ryder is a WRESTLER?  It’s been so long that I’ve forgotten.  Bryan stomps him down and goes to a chinlock as Cole talks about what a loser Ryder has become.  Zack comes back with the Broski Boot, but taps to the Lebell Lock at 1:39.  That’s quite the return for Ryder.  ½*

John Cena v. Mark Henry

Mark overpowers Cena and pounds him down in the corner, then beats on him outside as we take a break.  Back with Henry winning a test of strength and hitting a big splash for two.  Blind charge misses and Cena gets the backdrop suplex and five knuckle shuffle, and the FU finishes at 7:45.  Not bad, these guys could do some business together after Wrestlemania if they give it enough time for people to forget about this one.  **1/2  Rock runs in after the win and delivers a Rock Bottom to Henry.

Meanwhile, Beth Phoenix and Eve challenge Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos for Wrestlemania.  Should be a fine nacho break match.

The Miz is talking again.  Yay.  The topic is guys going from Wrestlemania main event to doing nothing the next year, and he’s still determined to get onto Team Johnny.

The Miz v. Sheamus

Sheamus pounds Miz down and fights off the DDT attempt with a Regal Roll for two.  Miz comes back with a neckbreaker and chokes him out on the ropes, setting up a low kick for two.  Miz goes to a lengthy chinlock and appears to be reading an audio book to Sheamus before Sheamus comes back with a powerslam to escape.  Brogue kick kills Miz deader than his career at 2:53.  *1/2  Cole calls Sheamus “The Dublin Destroyer”, which is a much better wrestling name than “The Great White”.  They should switch to that.

Randy Orton comes out for a promo on the stage, and reminds us that his name is Randy Orton.  Good to know.

Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger v. R-Truth & Kofi Kingston

Kofi dodges a charging Swagger and gets a cross-body for two, but Ziggler gets a cheapshot from the apron and Swagger gets two.  Stephanie McMahon is trending for some bizarre reason, which shows how meaningless it really is.  Kofi gets a backslide on Ziggler for two, but a dropkick gets two for Ziggler.  Swagger controls with a hold and cuts off the ring, but Kofi gets a DDT and it’s hot tag Truth.  Falcon Arrow for Ziggler gets two.  Kofi gets rid of Swagger, but Truth misses the axe kick and Ziggler finishes with the fameasser at 4:29.  Rushed but solid.  **1/2  Aksana and Vickie get into a catfight afterwards.

Shawn Michaels is out for the main event interview, as he points out that he holds Undertaker’s fate in his hands.  Undertaker is out to respond and starts accusing D-X of making SECRET PLANS, but HHH interrupts that.  He’s the master of the Hell in a Cell matches and he’s willing to end Undertaker’s streak to prove it.  Undertaker gets one final burn on HHH, telling him that Shawn is still better than him.  Shawn has a smirk on his face at that one, but HHH is not amused.  Well that was kind of a weird ending.

The Pulse

I wish, and I think they wish, we could just skip the last two weeks and jump right to Wrestlemania, because this show had nothing new to say and was mostly just an OK way to kill two hours.