The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant–04.09.12

The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 04.09.12

Live from Washington, DC.

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler

Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and General Manager of RAW and Smackdown Johnny Ace joins us to start, and we immediately get a replay of last week’s Cena-Brock confrontation. The shots of grown men jumping and down and hugging each other in excitement is an awesome sight to behold. Odd how the video now makes it sound like Miami was booing the F5. And now, here comes the pain. Cole actually says the words “Former UFC heavyweight champion” which also is mind-blowing. Brock starts to cut a promo thanking Big Johnny for signing him, but John Cena interrupts. God, I hope they don’t try to have Brock do those stupid scripted promos. Just let him grunt menacingly and lift heavy things. So Cena immediately slaps him (and thankfully Brock isn’t immediately knocked out), and the brawl is on, which triggers a giant locker room emptying to pull them apart. Talking bad, fighting good. Cena has a mouth full of blood in the aftermath and they just want to keep beating each other up. To paraphrase Herb Kunze, this is the pro wrestling of which I am a fan. You know how in UFC/Strikeforce they’ll tease having a big pullapart brawl, and the MMA fans will be all “That’s so low-class and pro wrestling!” Well, when it happens in pro wrestling, it’s AWESOME.

Meanwhile, Big Johnny is perturbed at the start of the show, and doesn’t even have time for Eve.

Brodus Clay & Santino v. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger

I think the name here is obvious: COBRA-SAURUS! Sounds like a Syfy original movie, actually. Santino tries some mat wrestling with Ziggler and then goes to the armbar, and it’s over to Brodus. He no-sells Swagger’s stuff until Swagger clips him for two. And we take a break. Back with Santino playing face in peril, and you’d think this is the easiest tag team formula not to fuck up, with underdog Santino taking the beating until making the tag to monster Brodus to finish. Ziggler works on Santino with a clothesline and a crossface, but Santino flips out of it and makes the hot tag. Capture suplex for Ziggler and the big splash finishes clean at 7:34. See? Works every time and as long as they can keep finding heels to feed them, they can do this for months. That being said, I don’t really get why Dolph Ziggler gives a shit anymore, since he never wins now and apparently any push is permanently on the backburner. *1/2

Meanwhile, Big Johnny doesn’t have time for Miz either. John Cena and his busted lip are upset that Johnny wants to put him out of business, and he’s so pissed off that he’ll still compete because he’s not a sissy boy actor. That is how you get Cena over again as a babyface.

Meanwhile, Santino is looking for the Three Stooges, but finds Kane instead. Nothing comes of it.

R-Truth v. Cody Rhodes

Truth takes control to start but gets caught and Alabama Slammed, and once again Big Show interrupts. We get the video of Big Show showing the video last week to cause Cody to lose, and once again Cody gets distracted and loses at 2:00. This remains as stupid as it was last week.

Meanwhile, Santino meets the Three Stooges, which is really weird because they’re acting like it’s still the original guys rather than three new actors playing the original guys.

Lord Tensai v. Yoshi Tatsu

Tatsu apparently was IRATE on Twitter, which is like the new cut-in promo for the social media age, I guess. Tensai pounds on Yoshi and gets the headbutts in the corner while the crowd sarcastically chants “Albert” at him. Delayed butterfly suplex and the Baldobomb finish via ref stoppage. Two weeks and he’s still not getting over, which probably isn’t a good sign. Plus we just had the legitimate badass former UFC champion knocking John Cena out, so having Albert supposedly be a badass is kind of a silly followup.

Did You Know that Wrestlemania broke the stadium attendance record even with a fake number? Why not just say 100,000 people while you’re at it? If you’re gonna lie, lie big.

CM Punk joins us to talk about Straight Edge. His private life drove him to become the best in the world, and now along comes Chris Jericho to bring his demons out for the world to see, and that pisses Punk off. Chris Jericho interrupts and says a lot of the same stuff, and Punk won’t be broken. And now he’s gonna take it out on Mark Henry. I kind of feel like they ran out of stuff to say with this feud and it’s just kind of stretching it out to the obligatory rematch now.

WWE title: CM Punk v. Mark Henry

We’re joined in progress after a break with Punk throwing knees, and he grabs a monitor and uses it for the DQ at 0:50. Punk goes to finish him by smashing the monitor on his head, but Jericho’s music stops him and Henry does the smashing instead. WITH HIS BODY. He doesn’t even need a TV, he’s man enough to do it alone. Jericho comes out with a couple of cases of beer and gets into a quick brawl with Punk, and then pours a few cold ones on him with some quality trash talk.

Alberto Del Rio v. Zack Ryder

Ryder is down to “in the ring to my left” level now, as he doesn’t even get an entrance anymore. Del Rio attacks and gets a seated dropkick for two, and pounds him in the corner. Blind charge misses and Zack gets the Broski boot, but the Rough Rider is countered to the armbar at 1:20.

The Three Stooges join us to hype their movie and immediately get booed out of the building. “Curly” comes out as Hulk Hogan and does a decent impression, but the crowd isn’t buying into any of this garbage. Are we supposed to be so stupid that we believe they’re not actors playing roles? Like, Sean Hayes is a pretty famous guy, it’s not like people actually think he’s Larry. Kane interrupts and chokeslams Curly. Well we know Will Sasso is already a big wrestling fan so it’s not surprising he’d be into doing this.

Mark Henry promises that next week, he’ll win the belt from CM Punk.

Brock Lesnar lets us know that he’s not here to make any friends, he’s here to kick ass and punch people in the face.

Video package for HHH v. Undertaker for some reason.

David Otunga v. John Cena

Otunga gets the advantage early and Cena misses a blind charge, allowing Otunga to choke him out on the ropes and drop an elbow. He gets a clothesline and stops for some posing, under the Jesse Ventura precedent of there always being time to pose, and we hit the chinlock. Cena escapes, hits the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM, and finishes with the STF at 5:00. Before he can even smile in celebration, Brock comes out, KICKS HIM IN THE NUTS, and hits another F5. I HEART BROCK. I did not heart this show outside of Brock and Cena.

The Pulse:

So yeah, the opening was awesome, the ending was awesome, everything else in between was kind of shitty. And way to cash in on the Daniel Bryan excitement by not even mentioning him on the show! Maybe they should just stay in Miami from now on.