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The SmarKdown Rant–04.27.12

The SmarKdown Rant – 04.27.12

Taped from Grand Rapids, MI

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Booker T. Josh Matthews is out thanks to making a stupid comment to Brock Lesnar, thus marking the first person in about 10 years to sell an injury past the end of the show.

Daniel Bryan (with ridiculous overdubbed boos on his entrance) comes out to talk about finally getting rid of AJ. The crowd apparently hates him despite tons of “Yes” signs on camera and everyone holding up their arms in time with him. Bryan wants the 18 second loss STRICKEN from his record and put onto AJ’s record, because it wasn’t his fault. He called the match on Monday right down the middle, and offers totally fair and undoctored footage to prove it. He leads the crowd in a YES chant, but Alberto Del Rio interrupts. Ricardo cheerleads with “SI!” chants because he’s awesome, but ADR doesn’t get to make his point because Big Show interrupts now. And he’s unclear on the whole “Yes/Si” thing but chokeslams Ricardo just because.

Big Show v. Alberto Del Rio

Show chases Del Rio out of the ring, but ADR goes to the arm to take over. He quickly goes for the armbar, but Show throws out of it. Show makes the comeback with the spear, but Cody Rhodes runs in for the DQ at 1:50. Show beats the crap out of him and whips him, which is an awesome way to make him seem like a threat before he regains the title. ½*

Meanwhile, Eve thinks that all the random crew members backstage should wear nametags. Big Johnny puts Eve in charge of Teddy Long, and his first job is to go get a nametag.

Damien Sandow talks about more smart person stuff. Next week, he wrestles.

Nikki Bella v. Alicia Fox

Nikki stomps Fox down for two and adds a necksnap for two. Fox makes the comeback with dropkicks and gets an ugly back elbow out of the corner, but the twins do the switch and Brie finishes with the carpet muncher at 1:45. Michael Cole speaks the truth: “It was actually Brie who won the match, but it doesn’t really matter.” Indeed. Booker adds his wisdom: “Shucky ducky, quack quack.” They PAY this man to do this job.

Meanwhile, Titus O’Neil and Darren Young harass Yoshi Tatsu, but Ezekial Jackson saves him and the fake crowd pops like they know who he is. Titus was pretty awesome here, cutting a sarcastic promo and showing personality. That’s half the battle, at least.

Meanwhile, Teddy Long is now in a maid uniform, just when Aksana pops in with Big Johnny. Tonight, Antonio Cesaro debuts, and Teddy gets to do commentary with Big Johnny in his headset.

Titus O’Neil & Darren Young v. Ezekial Jackson & Yoshi Tatsu

Apparently Young and Titus are from some show called NXT. Never heard of it. Tatsu pounds on Young, but walks into a stungun while we get the Teddy and Cole alleged comedy hour at ringside on commentary. They double-team Tatsu and Young drops an elbow for two, and they finish with a Doomsday Device variation at 1:49. Just a squash. ½* They look like a couple of generic black guys in black tights now that Darren Young cut his hair off. I’m sure they’ll get the tag belts in a couple of weeks because they’ve already gone through the Usos and Yoshi Tatsu, so really there’s no one else left to beat.

Randy Orton is out to talk about Kane and their impending falls count anywhere match. By the way, we’re two months into this feud and they still have no particular reason for even fighting. Blah blah blah unleashing hell, pain and suffering. And then here’s a random one for you, as Jinder Mahal interrupts. I don’t see this working out well for him. Jinder actually gets promo time, promising to pick up the pieces after Kane is finished with him. Orton gives him an RKO. What the fuck was the point of that? I think Orton’s promos are actually getting worse as he goes along, or maybe he’s just as bored by this feud as everyone else is.

Antonio Cesaro v. Tyson Kidd

CLAUDIO~! He is now apparently a former rugby player who was fired for being too violent. Hey, that’s a better backstory than most of these geeks get, so I’m down with it. Antonio headbutts Kidd down and adds a gutwrench suplex, which has Booker feeling nostalgic. Cradle flapjack finishes at 1:00 as he squashes the shit out of Kidd. Actually I think if he’s a rugby player, he should use Orton’s punt as a finisher. Claudio is money, hopefully they don’t fuck it up.

The Great Khali v. Cody Rhodes

Cody takes him down by the knee and goes to work on it, and adds a missile dropkick for two. Khali comes back and finishes him clean with the tree slam at 1:56. Well of course. ½*

Meanwhile, AW gives advice to the tag champs and gives them until Monday to decide if they’re with him or not.

Ryback v. Jacob Kaye

The jobber gets to cut a promo, as they continue to find the geekiest geeks who ever geeked for Ryback to squash. And this guy doesn’t fare any better than the others, as Ryback finishes with the lariat and muscle buster at 1:00. I’m fine with this career trajectory for him.

Meanwhile, AJ is still upset over getting dumped, but another chick attempts to cheer her up but gets slapped. I do not know this second person and they made no effort to introduce her, but she’s apparently AJ’s best friend.

Sheamus v. Mark Henry

The REMATCH. I’m a little sad that Henry’s role has exclusively become “guy with nothing else going on for bigger stars to beat”. Henry pounds away in the corner and dumps Sheamus, but he fights back to the apron and slingshots in with a shoulderblock for two. And we take a break. Back with Henry missing a splash and Sheamus uses the forearms on the apron, but Henry levels him with an elbow to take over again. He tosses Sheamus into the railing for a nice ragdoll bump, and back in for two. Sheamus comes back with a DDT for two and keeps trying to get “Brogue!” over as a thing, but runs into a clothesline for two. Henry charges and hits boot, and then the Brogue Kick finishes clean at 10:18. These two have good chemistry together. **1/2 Bryan comes out to applaud, but Sheamus asks if he’s going to kick Bryan’s head off and retain the title? The answer of course is “Yes!”

The Pulse

The wrestling was all brisk to say the least, but it sure makes for an easier show to watch than RAW most weeks. I still don’t think Bryan has a hope in hell of getting the belt back, but I’ll be happy if they get a chance to do a good long match this time.

See you Sunday for the PPV rant.

Comments

  1. Kaitlyn is AJ's best friend backstage and she was the winner of NXT Season 3.  Unlike most of the Divas, she actually has a personality and is allowed to show it on NXT.  She was a former bodybuilder as Celeste Bonin and those photos are worth finding on your own. She uses her power in the ring and her finisher is sort of like a sitdown full nelson but she sues her legs instead of her arms.

    Yes, I'm one of the dozens--AND DOZENS!--who watches NXT every week on The Score in canada.

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  2. Was I the only one who saw a bit of the New Age Outlaws in Darren Young and Titus? Can't believe I just typed that last sentence btw.

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  3. Don't feel weird - I actually found myself comparing him to The Rock!

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  4. Kaitlyn could EASILY be the next Trish Stratus - she's got a great (non-anorexic) body and tons of personality.

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  5. Things I liked about Claudio's debut: nice and crisp in the ring, seemed to get a good reaction from the crowd (always difficult to tell on SD), unique finisher, already got a good storyline in stealing Aksana from Teddy.

    Things I didn't like: The needless Rugby stuff. The socks looked silly and the strapping round the quads was pointless. You strap your quads like that so you can be lifted higher in the lineout, they're utterly pointless for wrestling. The rugby stuff is an interesting backstory, doesn't need to be incorporated into his costume. Down that road lies The Goon

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  6. I would suggest, if Claudio is going to wear the strapping around the quads, that he uses some sort of "quad drop" on his downed opponent and the commentators play up that they may be loaded ala DeLo Brown's chest guard.  Claudio can even smack his quads to gain some instant heat. 

    eh, just looking for some use out of them because they look ridiculous.

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  7. Main thing i hated was his Disney style theme song, who chose that?

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  8.  I'm not feeling them yet, they remind me too much of Cryme Tyme (God I hated that spelling).

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  9. Titus O'Neil is the dumpiest looking jacked guys I've ever seen.  He somehow manages to have a gut despite his upper body development.

    And Darren Young needs to lose the young MJ/"Michael from Good Times" hair cut.

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  10. Sounded like a very close rip-off of Chelsea Dagger by he Fratellis.

    Which really isn't a song I have any desire to hear again

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  11. I miss the Treasure Troll hair sadly enough.

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  12. *1/2 stars for a squash. Wow. 

    That being said, how much do jobbers usually get paid? I would assume not much because their just random guys off the street, but it's WWE and they seem generous with their money to pay a guy to get demolished. So i'd assume not too high but just right? 

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  13. The squash match jobber cut a better promo than Randy Orton!

    Think about that!

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  14. It's like the NXT version of the Mega Powers exploding! :(

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  15. Vince has to be seeing dollar signs with Claudio, I don't see how he can't. He's big, he's strong, he's great in the ring, he's entertaining as hell, he can tap into a foreign market, and so on. Future World or WWE Champ in my book.

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  16. I think some jobbers in the past have said they get anywhere between $500-$1000. Although I bet most would probably work for free just for the experience and bragging rights.

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  17. A Rugby Player from the World Renowned Rugby Nation of Switzerland.

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  18. That uppercut in the match was both awesome and very European.

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  19. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yamcmgEmkIs
    With friends like that, who needs enemies?

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  20. I want to see more of Ryback. More specifically I want to see him wrestle guys that are not jobbers. Why not have him beat Khali in a three minute squash or something?

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  21. Quite. They could have at least made him French if they wanted to do that gimmick

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  22.  That would get him huge face heat in Chicago, though.

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  23. Is Khali on a retirement tour or something? He seems to be getting a lot of wins recently, he got to participate in the Smackdown Elimination Chamber & participated in Wrestlemania.

    Loved Claudio's debut. I'd love to see a legit match from Claudio & Tyson Kidd, but I could understand why Kidd needed to be squashed. I can't wait to see Heath Slater or Dolph Ziggler sell Swiss Death.

    They need to change his music though. I'd suggest Beethoven's 9th Symphony (Ode to Joy), which I think HHH used when he debuted in the WWF.

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  24. I maybe in the minority but I absolutely LOVE these Ryback squash matches.. with the pre match promo from the geeky jobber, too the superstars looking on from the back, it just WORKS. I'm, getting all nostalgic I feel like it is 1998 all over again and watching the rise of Goldberg! :P

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  25. Which squash match are you referring to?

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  26. Seriously, they should put Darren Young in Khaki shorts and sweaters like Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire, and call him "Nega-Cena" or "Anti-Cena". Have him do wacky versions of the five knuckle shuffle and other Cena trademark moves. Hilarity will ensue.

    If you can have a whute guy act black...why not have a black guy act white?

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  27. First six matches, total match times, 9:20.

    I know squashes are necessary to get over new/repackaged talent, but it's the same deal for everyone at the moment. Between Ryback, O'Neil/Young, Sandow, Cesaro...couldn't one or two of them have debuted on Raw instead?

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  28.  Well, enjoy the nostalgia while you can, because in the WWE, you won't be having 1 minute squashes against mid-carders.  Goldberg pretty much squashed the whole roster up to Hogan.

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  29. lol, "nega-Cena" sounds awfully close to something else.

    "The answer was Naggers Randy, naggers" 

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  30. Southern_DiscomfortApril 28, 2012 at 11:50 AM

     More like "Soho Knife" than "Chelsea Dagger." That was so weird.

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  31. Let Ryback squash everyone leading to a match against Brock Lesnar at Mania! I'm all about going old school. We've missed a Goldberg type character for a long time.

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  32. Yeah, Kaitlyn was easily a highlight of NXT season 3, especially her interactions with Vicky.

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  33. Good call, Kidd is the exact kind of opponent Claudio excelled against in the indies; maybe Cesaro can finally justify the existence of Sin Cara when he returns.

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  34. Don't get me wrong, I'm stoked about Cesaro and I think he has a bright future, but something just seems off about this gimmick. It kind of reeks of all those 80s and 90s professional characters. In the information age, it's very easy to figure out that Claudio was never a rugby player, so giving him a blatantly artificial wacky backstory seems like it undermines him as a serious competitor. I ex

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  35.  Well ROH fans at one time could have easily found out he was never a Swiss banker, too. I don't mind it as long as it's just a small factoid about him and not the only thing about his character.

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  36. Although it's not quite the same, Kerwin White says hello.

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  37. Nevermind, it was 1/2*. Sorry for the false alarm. 

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  38. The fact that Beth and Natalya back off from a girl the size of Alicia Fox is hilarious. All they need is a slight wind to knock over Alicia.

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  39.  And Brodus...

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  40. Beth Phoenix should get some credit for selling her injury at the airport! Kayfabe lives!!!

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  41.  Khali makes me cringe. Sooo immoble. I swear he's approaching late-Andre levels.

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  42.  She's been on SD and Superstars a few times too, I believe. Plus, she's hot. I wish they had followed through on adding her to the Divas of Destruction stable.

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  43. Southern_DiscomfortApril 28, 2012 at 6:39 PM

    Next your going to tell me Alberto Del Rio doesn't own all those fancy cars!

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  44. Chelsea Dagger makes me rage orange and blackout and come up with the throat of the nearest Blackhawks fan in my clenched fist.

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  45. I saw her in Miami, two nights before WM, at a bar on South Beach.  Super hot.

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  46. I maybe in the minority but I think Cesaro is overrated. Solid worker sure, but for me he doesn't have that 'it' factor. Just seems like a good workhorse nothing more. 

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  47. I'm liking Titus O’Neil. He has mad charisma. Still looks green in the ring, though. He and Young almost killed Tatsu with that sloppy Doomsday variation.

    I'm also liking Eve as Johnny's right-hand woman. Seems like a natural next step for her.

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  48. Black people don't drink coffee?

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  49. Artist_Formerly_Known_as_KtuluApril 29, 2012 at 2:25 AM

    Damien Sandow? Christ, who the hell thinks of these names?

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  50.  Yeah, I can't think of any famous Harvard educated black lawyers.

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  51. What's the point of choosing the geekiest of geeks to squash?  Wouldn't it be more impressive if he was killing local jobbers with better looks?  I mean, beating up Sal the Accountant does not a monster make.  If he was murdering local underwear models/football players wouldn't he look like even more of a monster?

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  52. The cradle itself isn't intended to inflict any sort of pain on the opponent.  It's more a leverage tactic so the opponent can't wiggle out of the maneuver as Cesaro suspends him in the air. 

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  53. Otunga doesn't look like Cena or use any of his moves.

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  54. Don't think Vince wouldn't pick up on that in a meeting and think it was funny. It would be like a DC "Alternate Universe" Cena.

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  55. IT has nothing to do with being Harvard educated. It has to do with being the opposite of what Cena is.

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  56. 1) That was an Obama reference.

    2) Cena's from the New Englandyist of New England towns, Harvard ain't his opposite, they want to make the Anti-Cena get somebody from a state university.

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