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The SmarKdown Rant–05.18.12

The SmarKdown Rant – 05.18.12

Taped from Hershey, PA

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Booker T & Josh Matthews

Big Johnny is out to complain about UNFAIR TREATMENT from the board of directors. Even for someone “approaching 40” he’s still pretty flexible, but how can he be expected to compete against a top-level athlete like John Cena? That 40 line made me laugh, I’ll give him that. But before we can say a prayer on his behalf, CM Punk interrupts. It’s gonna be a party next week when Johnny gets fired, and he’s standing up for everyone bullied and harassed by Big Johnny. So he ends up booked against Kane tonight as a result. No need to punish us, too, John. Finally he flips out and blames everything on the audience, individually, and they can all go to hell.

R-Truth & Kofi Kingston v. Darren Young & Titus O’Neil

Why would you throw the NXT guys in with the tag champs already? Truth works Young over in the corner and Kofi comes in with the springboard bodypress for two, but he goes to the apron and Young drops him onto it with an atomic drop. OUCH. Back in, the NXTers control in their corner, but Kofi gets what I guess is the hot tag 2:00 in, and Truth runs wild on Young with the spinning elbow for two. Titus gets dumped and Truth finishes with the downward spiral at 3:00. Just a squash, although that was a nasty bump that Kofi took on the apron. * I like the NXT team, they have matching tights and everything. Speaking of tag teams, on the “new” NXT there’s an FCW team called The Ascension, and damned if that isn’t one of the best team names I’ve ever heard. Clearly this is a team that means business and is on the rise, because it says so right in their name. The best comparison I can make is Demolition, because you hear that name and you know shit’s ON. People named Demolition who dress in black leather spikes and have heavy metal music are generally there to kick your ass. So the Ascension already has one advantage over the other geeks in the tag division right off the bat.

Damien Sandow v. Yoshi Tatsu

Sandow once again is vexed by the unworthiness of his opponent, so once again he can’t lower himself to engaging in a wrestling contest with him. Tatsu, however, thinks that Sandow might be chicken, so we get the match after all. Sandow attacks from behind and hits a neckbreaker, but there’s no actual match. Guess we’re not worthy after all. Loving the Rick Martel color scheme on Sandow, though.

Recap, recap, recap, and we get an interview with Sheamus and Randy Orton that I’m pretty sure is new material, although one can never tell anymore these days.

Daniel Bryan v. Zack Ryder

Bryan puts him down with forearms and gets two, and the dropkick into the corner gets two. Ryder comes back with the Broski Boot, but it misses and Bryan kicks his head off and finishes with the Yes Lock at 2:28. I don’t see Ryder’s pre-show match with Kane going well for him. *

CM Punk v. Kane

Kane bullies Punk in the corner, but gets clotheslined to the floor as a result. And we take a break. Back with Punk working on the leg with a figure-four of all things, only to have Kane casually punch out of it. He dumps Punk and uses the post to work on the arm, and into a lengthy chinlock on the mat, but Punk makes the comeback. Kane shrugs off the knee in the corner, but Punk gets a middle rope bulldog instead for two. Springboard clothesline gets two. Kane puts him down with a big boot for two and they head up, but Kane goes down and Punk follows with the flying elbow for two. Kane escapes the Vice with a sideslam, and goes up with a flying clothesline. Chokeslam is blocked by the high kick, and Kane ends up on the floor off that, so Punk follows with a tope suicida. Color commentator Daniel Bryan attacks Kane with a chair for the DQ at 12:00, which makes Kane think that Punk did it, and Kane does Bryan’s dirty work for him and decimates Punk. Finally an angle for this feud! Surprisingly entertaining match, too. **3/4

Cody Rhodes v. Santino Marella

This was started by a TWITTER WAR. It’s going to get worse, sadly. Rhodes stomps him down and blocks a charge with an elbow, but a moonsault misses. Santino readies the Cobra, but Cody dropkicks him to stop it. Santino comes back with the Cobra out of nowhere for the pin at 1:56, however. What an epic champion v. champion match that was. ½*

Recap, recap, recap. Thank god for DVRs.

Randy Orton v. Patrick McPatrick

They do the epic lockup battle to start and Sheamus works on the arm, but things get CATTY and they have a shoving match that turns into a slugfest. Orton takes him down with an STO and gives him the Garvin Stomp, but misses the kneedrop. Sheamus slugs away in the corner, but Orton fires back and follows with a clothesline to put him on the floor. They keep brawling out there and Orton meets the stairs, but Sheamus misses a Brogue kick and hits the post instead. Orton works the arm and we take a break. Back with Orton holding a chinlock and being all EVIL about it, but Sheamus slugs back again. Orton whips him into the corner, shoulder-first, for two, and keeps on the arm, but Sheamus tosses him. Back to the apron and Sheamus uses the forearms, and we take ANOTHER break. Back with Sheamus dropping knees for two and holding his own chinlock, but Orton fights out and walks into a knee. Orton makes the comeback, however, with the clotheslines and powerslam, and a BELLY TO BELLY?! Sheamus fights off the draping DDT, and slingshots in with the shoulderblock to make his own comeback. That’s a neat dynamic, with both babyfaces getting the comeback spots. Powerslam gets two for Sheamus. Orton fights out of the backbreaker, but a second attempt gets two. Sheamus to the top, but Orton brings him down with a slick superplex for two. They slug it out again and Sheamus bulls him into the corner, but misses the Brogue kick and puts himself on the apron. This allows Orton to finally get the draping DDT and set up for the finish. RKO is blocked, and Sheamus rolls him up with a schoolboy for the pin at 26:30. Wow, 30 minutes on free TV with a clean pinfall finish? Orton offers the handshake and then lays him out with the RKO anyway. I have no beef with this, and actually wish it would have been on PPV instead of the four-way. ****

The Pulse:

Thank god Smackdown isn’t going to three hours as well, because I don’t think they could do it without resorting to showing reruns of Duckman or something to kill time.

Total nothing show, but a HELL of a main event because I guess they couldn’t find enough RAW recaps and website plugs to fill two hours and they needed to resort to wrestling instead. Strangely absent tonight: Del Rio, Jericho, Ryback, Cesaro, and of course anything to make me want to buy this PPV. Not that it matters because I’m out of town all weekend anyway, so WWE isn’t getting my $60 even if I was suddenly possessed by a desire to order this crappy looking show.

Comments

  1.  If they shoed Duckman and Weired Sciceensce rerusns I'd ebe a happey fuckker. Cesaro was on the next NxTt tapings alongs with OHno and rollings so it's like ROh reunionad down at Full sail they should bue on Smackcdown though

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  2. Wow!  Give me a bottle of what he's having!

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  3. This kinda makes me wish I watched the shows more often, oddly, if they're still having **** matches on free TV now and again. Last I recall, Randy Orton was a half-assed worker who could only be carried by certain guys.

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  4. Surprised that Scott was surprised that Punk carried Kane to a decent match. Has Punk ever had a bad match in the WWE? 

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  5. Just good ol' fashioned beer & Jaeger, but I was going for a while. I gotta say that if posting on the internet is the dumbest thing I do while drunk then I've made a vast improvement from my younger days.

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  6. Amen to that one said the guy who turned his knuckles to shrapnel, broken glass, and gravel in his first year of college.

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  7.  http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_373_what-video-game-background-characters-are-thinking_p29/#4

    Gotta love when wrestling & Cracked meet.

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  8.  Nah. Orton has really come into his own as a wrestler these past few years. Most of the hate for him is residual hate for all the times he was given the title.

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  9. Thank God for DVR indeed. Also Youtube. I can just skip ahead to the Orton/Sheamus match and ignore the rest of the crap.

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  10. You know the wellness program is a good thing and all but would it kill Punk and Bryan to hit the gym and maybe put on some muscle tone. Especially for Bryan and get him a chicken breast for god sake.

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  11.  You have a very skewed perspective about what "muscle tone" is if you don't think Bryan has some.

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  12. Sandow has completely won me over with his ring gear. Such a great color scheme.

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  13.  Are you serious? Both are in great shape.

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  14. So Seth Mates had an interesting prediction for the Ace/Cena match:

    What if Punk interfered on Johnny's behalf, not because he suddenly likes Johnny, but because he hates that despite being the only one of the three to win at Wrestlemania, he's still an afterthought to John Cena and Triple H. 

    Plus you can't exactly fire the WWE Champion.

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  15. I read his prediction and to tell you the truth I hated it.  It's exactly the sort of "swerve for the sake of surprising people" type of booking we all complain about.  Fans don't want to boo CM Punk (and they ESPECIALLY don't want to see him cowering to John Cena and Triple H).  This is the most over he's been in his entire career and aligning him with Johnny would take away what the fans love about him.

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  16. He was more in favor of aligning Punk with Heyman more than anything, which I think would be an interesting twist.

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  17. Seriously. I'm in pretty good shape and of comparable size to Danielson. I've stood next to him and he's a pretty big guy for his height. I mean I guess Punk could stand to do a few sit-up but who the fuck cares? Arn Anderson, Ric Flair, Tully Blanchard, Barry Windham, Foley, Stan Lane, Bobby Eaton, etc weren't exactly Greek Gods and I'd daresay all of those guys did pretty well for themselves.

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  18. True, but I don't think Punk needs Heyman at this point in his career.  I'd be more interested in seeing Brock set his sights on Punk, only for Heyman to feel conflicted between his two proteges.  Ultimately have Heyman pick Brock, and the promo work alone between Punk and Heyman would be better than them being aligned.

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  19. Syfy should show reruns of Duckman and Weird Science, it would be better than all of the crap they show (except Warehouse 13).
    Plus they own the footage, so it's not like it would cost them anything.

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  20. My hate is residual from the fact that he bores the crap out of me.

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  21. Thank god he isn't working for the WWE anymore.

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  22. Yeah I knew going after everyone precious Bryan would spark some backlash. So yay for me :)

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  23. YAY FOR YOU indeed!

    Nothing satisfies like saying stupid shit and then watching people laugh at your saying stupid shit.

    To quote...YOURSELF..."I've
    come to the conclusion that all the internet really is, is people
    bitching and moaning about things that don't go exactly to their liking"Lol. Whatta queer.

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  24. I watched this show last night with the kids and maybe Raw has just taught me to enjoy utter shit but I actually kind of liked it. Sandow seems like he'll be fun to watch, the Punk/Bryan stuff was fun and the main event was amazing for being on television.

    It wasn't the greatest show ever but it was certainly better than most Thunders, I'd say.

    Of course, I watched Impact this week and liked that too...so maybe I have some undiagnosed illness at the moment or something...

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  25. Yeah...I actually had most of Scott's readers in mind when I wrote that.

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  26. Oooooooooooh what a wooooosh!

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  27. SasukespecialmanMay 19, 2012 at 2:07 PM

    Ah, yes. The not-so-rare "lowerus expectavitis". When I had my bout with it, the doctor prescribed lots of classic DVDs.

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  28. Given some of the stuff I've seen Punk do, he has more than enough core strength.  People seem to confuse ripped abs for core strength.  They're not the same thing.  Reading a little about Punk's training style, he trains for a functional/sport-specific purpose like most MMA fighters and pro athletes.  Same with Bryan.  They're not body builders, they're not training for physique, although, Bryan has increased his muscle mass noticeably since joining WWE.

    That's the problem with wrestling.  You don't see people hounding athletes in other sports for not looking ripped.  Training for physique oftens limits what they're able to do in the ring and leads to a lot of common injuries like muscle tears.

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  29. "Owww that Hurt"-CM Punk

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  30. I know that most former writers are smark favorites, but...that is a terrible idea.

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  31. Yeah, look at Anderson Silva, one of the best fighters on the planet, not exactly GQ material.  Punk is actually a little bit bulkier (in the chest area) then most "legit" fighters.

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  32. My hate is based on the fact that he's the least sympathetic babyface ever.

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  33. I think that skinny-ass John Cena should get to the gym once in awhile. I mean, he's fit...but he COULD be Ultimate Warrior/Warlord/early Batista fit!

    Same with Ryback and Mason Ryan. Buncha pencil-necks...

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  34. I have to say, a lot of the former writers aren't any better than the current writers (despite the fact that they often fantasy book of how they would do it better).  I personally appreciate them more for their stories and insight than their ideas.

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  35. I hated Orton when he'd only had one run as champ, and I wasn't watching during that time. The hate comes from him being a selfish and dull worker.

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  36.  What a witty and trenchant social experiment. Look dude, if you want to find fault with them based on something valid, people will respect it and often agree. I'll throw a few out: Punk seems like a dick in real life, Bryan is the best worker that you could ever carve 12 hours of boring, overlong matches out of. But going for the typical low hanging fruit of "oh these guys are small and are technical wrestlers, they need to hit the gym!" is just trolling, and that's just sad.

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  37. They've had an interesting experience, but I find it difficult to sympathize with them.  Writing's a tough job, boo frickin' hoo.

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  38. #11 was by far the best.

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  39. I caught this show on my Roku player today and I've gotta say it was pretty good considering this is the first Smackdown I've watched in a long while.

    Maybe it's because RAW, NXT and Superstars are the only shows I watch anymore, but I've lowered my expectations quite a bit over the last few months and found WWE programming to be a bit more bearable as a result.

    Although I still refuse to watch Impact Nepotism....excuse me, Impact Wrestling because it's too awful and I quit watching ROH because it's too boring and I only watch NXT and Superstars because the announcing style is so different than the main shows that you would think you're watching a completely different promotion.

    But I might start following Smackdown again if they keep this up, now if only they would bring back that awesome theme song the show had two years ago and get rid of that ultra lame Green Day song.

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  40. Did I say anything bad about Cena's look? Ok then.

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  41. Ah and now we hit the "trolling" insults. I was waiting for that. For the record, I love watching Punk wrestle, and I think that Bryan is an awsome heel. I'm just making an observation, thats all.

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  42. And to go one step farther...you think you are all "smart." Well your not....you just huge marks to. You think what people like Scott Keith tells you to think. And that's not a knock on him....

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  43. Scott at least has a mind of his own. He can be objective and say things like "Hogan was one of the biggest stars in wrestling" or "Triple H could deliver **** or ***** srat matches.

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  44. Yeah, I'm really looking forward to a some Punk/Heyman dueling promos when Brock goes after the belt.

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  45. "Especially for Bryan and get him a chicken breast for god sake."

    I find it kind of funny that everyone glossed over that part when coming at you, bro. He's not really much for chicken.

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  46. He had a few matches with Kane when they were in ECW that I remember liking a lot. I know Scott  generally ignored WWECW's existence, but I always thought they had good chemistry.

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  47. Good to hear that the Orton/Sheamus match was that good, but I have a hard time getting excited about it given that they seemed to have a match every week for like a year. At least the dynamic is different now.


    Even though I'm not ordering it, either, I'm not as down on the PPV as Scott is. Hopefully Bryan and Punk get enough time to tear the house down.

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  48. I usually like Seth Mates, he has some good ideas, but I didn't like this one at all. I'm a big fan of stables and a stable like that could be cool, except that if they go back to Cena and Orton as the top faces dominating everyone without Punk in the mix too, I'll shoot myself in the head. Or stop watching, anyway.

    In fairness to Seth, he seems to be working under the assumption that HHH is going to be back virtually full time on TV. I don't know why he thinks that and I don't think that (once this Brock angle is done with), but he seems to think he will and it'll force Punk down to "behind Cena and HHH in the pecking order", thus heel turn. I disagree with him but that's what his theory is.  

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  49. Umm I know he's a vegan. I was being ironic.

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  50. Based on one idea? He's had a lot that I've really liked on Twitter, and I can see the logic on this one even though I disagree with his conclusion. His point is he thinks HHH is coming back full time (at least for awhile) so he can capitalize on everything going on with Brock (I think there's some truth there except I doubt he's back full time), and thus Punk is going to get shoved into the role of "third face" behind both Cena and HHH (and occasionally Orton although Punk seems to be above him right now). This would be a surprise twist (as opposed to the Big Show thing everyone guessed) while keeping Punk at the top, just as a heel.

    I agree it's a bad idea, but I can see the route he took to get there, and I've seen plenty of good ideas from him on Twitter.

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  51. Ohhh that one hurt!!! Cause Vince has never had ANY success with wrestlers with a good look, (and before anyone starts giving me names, Hart, Michaels, Foley, the Miz all had a better look then Bryan)

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  52. You made an "observation" that they needed to gain weight, fine. Other people responded with "Well, I disagree, and here's why". You responded bitching about "wahhh I made fun of precious Bryan" and then complaining that someone said you were trolling, before, well, trolling and saying everyone on this blog (except, apparently, you!) are mindless. So...how is that not trolling?

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  53. Love Punk but yeah, I've seen some mediocre at best matches of his. It's usually his opponent, but yeah. That said, it doesn't shock me he could pull a decent match out of Kane.

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  54. I used to absolutely hate Orton and I still don't particularly like him, but he's been MUCH better in recent years, especially this past year. He had some great matches with Christian that weren't entirely carried by Christian, and he had some good matches with other guys you wouldn't expect either.

    On Raw I thought he was awful. He was SuperCena Jr. Once he got moved to Smackdown it was much better.

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  55. All I can think is "Why the fuck did someone put Celes from Final Fantasy 6 into the first battle of Final Fantasy 4 instead of just taking an actual screenshot from the game and writing over it?".

    I should stop playing video games.

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  56. So here's the deal. If you all want to scroll down you will see that I made an observation about CM Punk and Daniel Bryan. Not an insult, (if you read carefully I actually really like Punk) just an observation about their look. Naturally people went after me because I didn't totally sing the praises of Punk and Bryan. So here is my e-mail. Pinstripes25@hotmail.com. E-mail me and I would, as one adult to another, be happy to debate the merits of Punk and Bryan. No insults, no trolling.

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  57.  Mangled knuckles.  But internet comments stick around to haunt you...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lz8RohaIqH0

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  58. I was waiting for him to follow up with something like "Punk needs to learn to loosen up with a beer or two" before jumping in.

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  59. The best Punk/Kane related thing ever was Miz and Morrison doing their NKOTB song parody.

    "Kane and Punk!  Kane and Punk!"

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  60. The_One_Millionth_VisitorMay 19, 2012 at 10:34 PM

    you have been tagged for ridicule. just accept it and press on.

    go put ur tears in a waahbulance.

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  61. The_One_Millionth_VisitorMay 19, 2012 at 10:36 PM

    zzzzzzzzzz...

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  62. Michael Southern must be lonely. Poor guy.

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  63. A hundred years ago they'd have been behind a plow, having Vince McMahon change your scripts is pretty low on my "deserving of pity" list. Especially since most of them seem so content to do the same thing over and over and over and over.

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  64. People went after you because your "observation" wasn't based in reality and was obviously a skewed attempt at sparking some controversy, or trying to marginalize the guys you were talking about. It's not because they're everyone's favorites, it's because you were mistaken. If you said "Ezekiel Jackson needs to hit the gym more!" or "Boy that Great Khali is really short!" we'd probably say the same thing, and no one would accuse us of being Zeke and Khali marks.

    Go find a mark board to go to if you don't like smarkish opinions. You're reading a rant with SMARK right in the title, you gotta know that's what you're going to get.

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  65. Yeah, I mean...when your scripts suck, you should expect editorial oversight.

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  66. I agree with a lot of the criticism of him when I read it on here, and I've thought a lot of it myself. 

    And yet, I totally agree with your first paragraph. I can't think of the last Randy Orton match I saw that actively sucked except maybe the Kane match at WM. 

    He's never been one of my favorites (except maybe when he first turned face in 2010, I was digging him then but that's possibly just because Orton as a face at that time was a breath of fresh air as the ruthless anti-hero type that we hadn't seen in awhile) and probably never will be, but whatever criticisms one can make of him are met by a cognative dissonance of this one nagging little fact: his matches are usually pretty good. If you're constantly having good matches, regardless of opponent at some point that makes one, y'know...a pretty good worker.

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