The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact–01.17.13

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 01.17.13

Live from Orlando, FL

Your hosts are Todd Keneley, Mike Tenay & Tazz

TONIGHT! A wrestling wedding! Those always go smoothly, right?

Sorry I missed last week, as I got preoccupied with trying to reinstall Android on my Chi-Pad and was literally up all night going crazy, to the point where I forgot about Impact. Finally I took the coward’s way out and bought a newer, dual-core, equally Chinese tablet from merimobiles.com and moved on with my life. Combined cost: Still less than a damn iPad.

Earlier: Spike Dudley and Tommy Dreamer (?!?) show up to offer congratulations to Bully Ray, while Brooke meets with her bridesmaids. So is Tommy no longer a WWE employee? Or is this what TNA got in the settlement? Because they really should have held out for at least Jack Swagger or something.

Jeff Hardy comes out to celebrate his big win at Genesis, but BAD INFLUENCE interrupts to hype Daniels’ title shot next week. Daniels notes that the fans aren’t Creatures of the Night, but rather creatures of habit…the habit of LOSING. That’s harsh. Jefferson wants to do it RIGHT NOW, but he gets beat down until James Storm makes the save. And we appear to have a tag team match right now.

Jefferson Hardy & James Storm v. Christopher Daniels & Kazarian

The babyfaces clean house and we take a break. Back with Storm & Hardy working on the arm, but Storm gets caught in the corner, allowing Kaz to clothesline him for two. Kaz works him over in the corner and Daniels puts him down with a neckbreaker for two. He chokes Storm down, but a cradle gets two for Cowboy. Daniels holds a chinlock, but Storm fights out with a legsweep and makes the hot tag. Jeff hits the legdrop on Kazarian for two and the whisper for two. Daniels catches him with an STO and brawls out with Storm, and Kaz cradles Hardy for two. Twist of Fate finishes for Hardy at 11:49, however. Daniels lays Hardy out on the ugly belt afterwards. Solid formula tag match to set up the title match next week. **3/4

Meanwhile, Joseph Park offers Bully a box of cigars on the down-low (“Kayfab!”) as a wedding present.

Gut Check: Since there were two contenders last week, they first eliminate Brian Cage, who looks like the guy who should be the bigger star and thus he’ll probably stick around as an Ace and/or Eight. Tazz immediately gives him a no, so he gets to cut his promo. Apparently he uses JBL’s lariat and calls it the Boomstick, which gives him an automatic YES in my book. Shinobi the Black Ninja votes yes to build drama, and Rio Rodgers gives him a contract.

Christian York v. Kenny King

York dives on King and works him over in the ring, pounding away in the corner and using some KAWADA KICKS. King tries to scurry away and York pulls him back in, but King hits him with a spinkick. York escapes the Flush and hits a low kick from his back, then a backdrop suplex, but when he tries King’s move on him, King rolls him up with a handful of tights for the pin at 2:57. That was a pretty great story for a 3 minute match, with York actually pissed off about the results of the PPV match and being all sloppy as a result, then trying King’s move on him as revenge to cost himself the match. **

Meanwhile, Bully appeals to Sting, trying to win Hulk over somehow.

Sting is out to appeal to Hulk Hogan on Bully’s behalf, and Hulk is having none of it. Social media is standing up for his point of view, brother! Something’s just not right with Bully and he’ll never trust him. Sting, of course, will trust anyone at any time no matter how shady they are, and he’s totally Team Bully and thinks Hogan should just do it for Brooke.

Meanwhile, Gail Kim confronts Taryn about her shoddy refereeing.

Gail Kim v. Velvet Sky

I don’t get the thinking behind bringing Velvet back and then having her look nothing like she did when she left. And what the hell does “let the pigeons loose” even MEAN anyway? Velvet chases Kim out of the ring, but Kim comes back with a Nash choke in the corner. Sky with a pair of rollups, but Kim kicks her down and follows with a clothesline. Kim tries a neckbreaker but Velvet is off on another planet and doesn’t know how to take the move, so Kim has to walk her through it again. Sky comes back with a suplex where Kim almost literally does the move to herself, and then Kim chokes Sky down…and Taryn counts two! God, even the referee sucks in this match. Gail hits Eat Defeat, but Sky’s foot is under the ropes, and this time Taryn won’t count. So Sky comes back with a bulldog and flying headscissors, and some sort of terrible looking X Factor and a pedigree to finish at 5:52. Velvet is terrible as ever, although Kim’s professionalism here and more importantly, the frequent camera angles down Velvet’s cleavage, save this from negative stars. ½*

Meanwhile, Dixie and Brooke bond via their robotic acting.

Austin Aries & Bobby Roode, the greatest frenemies in wrestling today, are SICK of all the crappy champions in TNA, and they object to the wedding. This brings out Chavo & Hernandez for the brawl, and hopefully Roode & Aries get the belts off them.

Meanwhile, Sting makes one last pitch to Hogan on Bully’s behalf, although he’d better hurry up because there’s only 15 minutes left until Bellator!

Main Event Wedding: Brooke Hogan marries Bully Ray, and Hulk does show up because he always does the right thing. Especially if it’s filing frivolous lawsuits for millions of dollars. Brooke and Bully exchange vows without incident (“She’s the worst actor ever. She sounds like she could be ordering a pizza” notes my non-wrestling fan wife), and no HHH out to object…but just before the priest makes it legal, Tazz objects…and reveals an Aces & Eights vest underneath his jacket. And the WEDDING MASSACRE is on. Well you knew they’d try to tie their two big storylines together somehow.

The Pulse:

Nothing really great in the ring this week, and I think everyone was just waiting for the Aces & Eights attack at the wedding. It was entertaining enough, but way too much talk and not enough rock this week.