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Caliber v. Fuj

by the Fuj

The Man Movie Encyclopedia Vol. 1 gets… THE SALT IN THE EYE!

I said to myself if I ever was going to review anything, I’m not going to be positive. There’s too much positivity in the world (go fig) and I want to rip people’s life’s work to shreds.

It’s what I do... It’s who I am.

I am a living, breathing, pessimist and hater. I’m from Cleveland, Ohi0,  the most depressing city in the world.  Sports teams suck. Girls vary between “half-way decent” and “butt-fucking terrible”. Weather is set on “cold as fuck” 8 months out the year.

I’m pretty miserable…

So when Caliber Winfield of the Blog of Doom and “Straight Gangster, No Chaser”  (whatever) wrote the Man Movie Encyclopedia Vol. 1 available for Kindle for $2.99, I said to myself “This is the first and last entry to The Salt in the Eye… I’m going to rip this shit to shreds… but not for 3 dollars!”

Ain’t no way in hell, I was going to pay 3 dollars for a kindle book. I don’t even spend 3 dollars on my momma and she birthed me. What I look like spending on some goofy white kid with a hard-on (we will get to that later) for action films from the 1980s?

But then he dropped the price to .99 cents and I said “ok”.

First and foremost the cover is clear, concise and to the point. It has smatterings of blood, a bottle of Jack Daniels, bullet-casings and bullet-holes. Took about 6 minutes to do in Photoshop I’m sure, but nevertheless it serves it’s purpose. Hopefully he doesn’t use that as the physical book cover, I would laugh my boner off. (yes…)

Now the highlight of the book is the impressive “Man-Tally”. This is how he scores the films. It’s broken down in a variety of ways and quite honestly, it makes sense. One-Liners must be said by the hero. He explains how Caliber count deaths and car chases and most importantly, he explains in scientific detail the use of slow-motion.  

After the “Man-Tally” and subsequent star-ratings scale (eloquently changed to Head-butts) Caliber then gives synopsis of various action films that he has enjoyed throughout the years such as “Bloodsport” by Jean-Claude Van Damme… and about 4 pages into the book our first “boner” joke comes in.

I knew it was coming… I was prepared. I just didn’t think he would unleash “Vintage Caliber” so soon.

Now mind you, I’m all for a good joke (no homo) but there’s a dick joke in pretty much every movie synopsis. Which by the way all sound reminiscent of MADDOX.

Don’t know who MADDOX is?

Oh you na├»ve fool… Maddox is the owner and operator of “The Best page in the universe”. Google it. It is at the top. Now I use to frequent this website in my 20’s. That was ten years ago. I was a Maddox fanboy. I bought the “Alphabet of Manliness” in 2005 and would have gotten it signed if wasn’t for those pesky kids. But at the end of the day, I grew up. So when I am reading “The Man Movie Encyclopedia Vol. 1” and get the rising suspicion that it sounds like Maddox in 2002, I’m a little concerned.

Of course the words aren’t his but the “tone” of the book sounds just like Maddox, and wouldn’t you know Maddox endorses this book!!!

And that’s my one drawback to this book. Maddox could have written this book in 2003 or 2013 and I would have been none the wiser. I read this book in Maddox’s voice as opposed to Caliber’s. It is wonderfully written. It is funny as hell. I read the passion and creepy love he has for these movies. The movies I did see (about half) had me cracking up for a while during Caliber’s synopsis. I sped through it in about 6 hours (I feel asleep reading Lethal Weapon 3&4 though. Holy shit those movies was boring) But I never got the feeling that this was Caliber Winfield’s book. It felt more like Maddox told him what to write.

After about 20-plus movies though, you get burned out of “boner” jokes and how much of a bad-ass Steven Seagal is. The book limps to the end and you are done without a “sayonara” or an “In closing”. My guess is that it’s open-ended for a Vol. 2??

In Closing, “The Man Movie Encyclopedia Vol. 1” IS a good book. It is a steal at .99 cents, but worth 3 dollars. I wanted to rip it shreds but honestly, but I can’t. If you never read Maddox, then you should have no qualms about enjoying this book.  If you have read Maddox, then you will understand where I am coming from. Either way, it is still a book worth reading and I will be there to pick up Vol. 2 if it ever comes out. It better have “Big Trouble in Little China” in there, because that is THE MOVIE MADE FOR MEN.

Sayonora.

Comments

  1. *** 3/4*


    Psychology was a little weak, but played to the crowd well and had some good spots in it.

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  2. " I’m from Cleveland, Ohi0, the most depressing city in the world. Sports teams suck. Girls vary between “half-way decent” and “butt-fucking terrible”.

    I'm not sure sure if this is Fuji or Caliber (I'm guessing Fuji), but you have no right to complain about your sports teams. Try living in Buffalo. At least Cleveland has won SOMETHING over the last 100 years (a World Series in 1948 and an NFL championship in 1964), all we can say we won here is some minor league baseball titles, a ton of lacrosse/roller hockey titles... and nothing else. And you at least had LeBron ("Our entire economy is based on LeBron James...), we've never had shit that was even remotely marketable.

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  3. This post gave me cancer.

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  4. That Sabers Rangers game that just happened was FUCKING brutal.

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  5. Either Fuj is an "eh" writer, or that was a weird parody of Caliber and he Is a fucking genius

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  6. For the love of God, quit trying to get "salt in the eye" over. All it does is conjure creepy images of you hunched over someone who's sleeping, about to unload on him/her unsuspectedly while wearing an equally creepy Cheshire cat grin.



    I retract anything negative I've said or felt about Viking Lord Brock and instead transfer it to whatever the hell it is you're trying to get over.

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  7. I'll go with me being an "eh" writer.

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  8. You made hit my knee from laughing so hard.


    Seriously, there probably won't be any "Salt in the eye" reviews in the future.

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  9. thanks for reading.

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  10. it was me.


    and while you have 4 trips to the super bowl and lost. you had 4 afc championships.


    we have had nothing in football since the 60s.
    nothing in baseball since the 90s
    nothing in basketball since lebron.


    and our girls dont measure to buffalo girls (or upstate ny...) those chicks are fine.

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  11. thanks for reading!

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  12. thanks for reading.

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  13. Good to know you were able to have some laughter, seeing as how you live in Cleveland and all.

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  14. I finally sobered up enough (drank enough beers) to judge this article with a clear eye. And I must say... Wait, Piper/Hart from Wrestlemania 8 is on my TV, so I'll get back to you after I masturbate.

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  15. Not for too much longer.


    Once I leave the middle east, Im moving right back to Florida.


    Fuck Cleveland... it'll always be with me, as the "Salt in the eye" will always be with you.


    You can't un-see it now!


    *nods*

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  16. Are you getting deployed?

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  17. Too late, Ive been deployed since January 2013... until Jan 2014

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  18. Oh, didn't realize that. Be safe.

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  19. Jim Brown covers you guys until at least 2020.

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  20. It's pretty interesting seeing an article from someone else and someone I tend to appreciate in the comments section. Is this a one-off type deal or, dare I say it, a one shot deal?

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  21. He can type well during a discussion. The other times, he's using one hand while the other is holding "salt", or at least something that tastes like that.

    ...Sorry, Fuj.

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  22. One shot deal.


    As i stated in the Billy Graham thread, I can't do this, cuz Im not good at it.


    But I appreciate the hate from the haters though.

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  23. Hey, can I be on the blurb of your post, should you choose to release it on hard cover?

    "This book gave me FUJ CHILLS!!"
    - Wanker

    ...Sorry, Fuj.

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  24. I can't say as you deserve blind hate because when you disagree or disparage Caliber at least you do so with some reasoning behind why.


    I enjoyed the read though even if it's just a nostalgia Royal Rumble style pop.

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  25. As the recipient of the first ever Salt in The Eye, I'm honored. I know that even as facebook besties, Fuj would have had no problem in telling me to fuck off as he proclaimed my book unfit for the masses. Honestly, I'd like to see more reviews. They're casual, quick read, and they get to the point. Sure, it's a bit meta for me to review his review of me, but whatever.

    I definitely consider it an honor to be compared to Maddox. I believe him a real pioneer, and a hero for people trying to do their own thing and become successful.

    And I can't help it, I honestly think the word boner is the funniest word in the entire World. I also can't help Steven Seagal being a total-bad ass, and feel for all the praise Norris gets, it should be Seagals.

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  26. I was with you until you used "honor" and "Maddox" in the same sentence.

    Keep reviewing PPVs though, I love the "*****!? I'll fucking KILL YOU DEAD!!" responses from people.

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  27. Haha, I get them being mad if I downgrade it, but up grade? I'll never know.

    The next PPV that I'm posting in a few days is me finally seeing one of the all time greats, and we'll see how they like that.

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  28. What!?


    Did you read the review?! I liked it I liked it alot!


    I just said it sounds like maddox and its definitely worth 2.99 and Im waiting for Vol. 2

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  29. If I may make a suggestion, Vengeance 2003 is a forgotten classic. Either you or Scott should, actually. Scott had at least 3 of the matches at ****+, but it's a barn burner from top to bottom.

    Oh, and it features Cena vs. Taker. Gotta keep it relevants, dawg.

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  30. Fuj earns points in my book for being from Cleveland. We all stick in misery together.

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  31. You are one weird fucking dude. Seriously...

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  32. Heroes of Wrestling?

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  33. Cleveland was key in preventing us from having President Romney, so they will always have that going for them, which is nice.

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  34. This guy gets it

    :: Is a The Fuj mark ::

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  35. Agreed! And that's why the new Caliber e-book, which will be a collection of the greatest wrestling related articles from Str8 Gangster, will be edited by the greatest editor of all time; Steven Q. Ferrari

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  36. That's one of'em in the que for me. I love that PPV, one of my all time favorites.

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  37. haha, I was wondering about that. Who saw that and felt "No, this is no good! I must down-vote this preposterous well wishing!"

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  38. Brock/Angle/Show may just be one of the most overlooked and underrated matches in history - pretty much 4.5* there, and one of my absolute favorites.

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  39. Why do I have a feeling now that whenever Caliber posts something, Maddox is going to be thrown at him in addition to Cracked?


    Anyway, good read.

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  40. Great, now I have to have my middle name legally changed so it starts with a Q. Thanks, CW. Team Supreme!

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  41. I think I have a fan of sorts. I was looking at some of my other comments which were simple questions and statements of experience and they all have downvotes.

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  42. Nice effort Fuj, I enjoyed it. Needs more ripping though.

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  43. salt in the eye II: the quickening?


    we shall see

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  44. im not catching the reasoning.

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  45. "Funny guy, but it's the kind of humor that gets old fast once you leave college."


    thats exactly how i felt... i never attended college formally, but i understand college humor. the book was ripe with it.


    had i been 21-22 again, id thought this was library of congress worthy.


    its still funny but with maddox's voice dripping thru the book, it just takes you out of it.

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  46. thank you for reading

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  47. Is fuj really Sean Shannon?

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  48. because Tom DeLonge is my musical icon. And while we're at it, Todd McFarlane is my artistic icon.

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  49. Thanks, Kenny. I really appreciate that you bought the book, and that you dug it.

    Now, of course I'll say that my style is similar to Maddox, but it's just how I've always written. If you use the wayback machine, and type in scrublife.com, you'll see that I had a site going called How To Be A Real Man, that dates back to 2002-2003. That was 2 years before I found Maddox. So of course once I did find him, I was in love.

    For me, I dig that over-the-top macho bullshit kind of humor. It's so ridiculous, and I find so much humor to be mined from it. Plus, while a lot of people may try their hand at it, I find so few funny at it. And in the words of Double A, I don't like to toot my own horn, but toot, toot.

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  50. Even though this wasn't a real battle of any sorts, I'm glad to know there's unruly fans sitting in my section.

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  51. The Avs are terrible, but at least they try to get better.

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  52. Performing fellatio to a boner? Why, that's like driving a car!

    I'm all for people being morons around here, but dedicating an entire post to it is like opening a door!

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  53. As long as we don't get The Source, I'll take it.

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