---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Austin Burton
Date: Mon, Aug 19, 2013 at 6:12 AM
Subject: WWE "pet projects"
Every smart wrestling fan is an armchair booker, and all of us have certain wrestlers we like to watch succeed but we believe aren't being booked correctly.
So let's say you're a WWE writer and they're letting you choose any three acts on the roster -- singles or tag teams, main eventers or mid-carders -- to be your "pet projects."
You can tweak their character's nuances or give them a complete makeover. You can decide how they work in the ring (within their limits), how they work the mic, whether they're a heel or face, who they're feuding with, who they're affiliated with, etc. Of course you'd have to collaborate with the rest of the creative team on some things and you could get vetoed if your ideas are too crazy. (Making Jinder Mahal the WWE champ anytime soon wouldn't fly.) But within reason, you're basically deciding how your guys are presented and how they're booked.
Who would you pick, and what are some changes you'd make?
I'd make Cena heel, first and foremost. His character would be the BIGGEST douche on Earth. The total jock-stereotype. He'd say things like "Every wrestler you've ever loved, I beat'em. I probably made'em tap out. I did with a smile, too", "Look at me. When I take my shirt off, women cheer. You chumps in the audience could save the world and maybe get a golf clap. Me? I'm so good looking that I get cheers just for being shirtless". I'd have him be champ for at least a year, and then Punk would return to stop Cena from not only beating his record, but from continuing his reign of terror, and for revenge. As Cena would have done a major beat down on Punk early in his reign, as Cena knew Punk could have his number and wanted him out of commission. I'd then create a stable for Cena, where he'd only let the best looking & athletic people join.
Also, Cena & Punk write their own promos, and Cena has to take that title with him every where he goes. Treating it like it's a SuperBowl ring, and constantly flaunting it in public.
My idea was similar. Cena and the Bella broad would be the wrestling version of Kanye/Kim K.
ReplyDeleteI really like that scenario. I think you could interchange Punk and Bryan but either way...awesomeness. Cena acknowledging the past hate for him, that most fans have had, is what I always wanted him to do. Also, am I the only one who would want to help Kofi out? I'd love to book Kofi for some big wins and more mic time. The kids love 'em, he's entertaining as hell in the ring, he could move some major merchandise....seems like a win-win for everybody.
ReplyDeleteCena's a tricky heel turn: you want to keep the 50% of the audience that boos him booing him. I'd have him change nothing except becoming a corporate suckup and a sneak/cheat while acting like he hasn't changed at all. I'd love to see him win the title by screwy means (HHH pedigrees someone, Cena pins them) and come out the next night in a suit with a string quartet playing his theme and then have Cena cut a promo about how proud he was to have won the title FOR THE CENATION by honorably winning a HARD FOUGHT WAR.
ReplyDeleteFor pure comedy's sake. Cody Rhodes gets a head injury and starts changing his appearance and mannerisms week after week. Eventually he thinks he's Golddust leading to a Golddust I vs. Golddust II match at Wrestlemania. Be honest, even if this devolved into pure wrestlecrap it would still be funny.
ReplyDeleteI would make Three Man Band inexplicably big in Japan. Yoshi Tatsu turns into an obnoxious fanboy. Things get even more crazy when 3MB catches on in India and Great Khali joins the fun.
ReplyDeleteYou could do a similar scenario that Bret Hart did with the US /Canada gimmick: do things to intentionally piss off adults but cater to kids. I mean we've all had that favorite athlete as kids who was a cocky asshole that our parents couldn't stand. (Mine was Deion Sanders.)
ReplyDeleteIsn't that what they're doing now?
ReplyDeleteAs for the cocky asshole athlete, I LOVED Deion Sanders and cried when he signed with the Cowboys. When I played peewee football I talked trash and wore a doorag under my helmet (this was in the days where I had to tie a bandanna like PRIME TIME).
"His character would be the BIGGEST douche on Earth."
ReplyDeleteThe question asked what CHANGES you'd make ;)
He's gone now, but I thought it'd be fun to do an angle where Kennedy couldn't talk if he lost a match. Which he loses and then every week he's put in situations where he's itching to say something but can't.
ReplyDeleteI can't remember who said it, but someone said a guy who blows e-cig vapor in the eyes of his opponents. I want to see that wrestler.
ReplyDeleteMy pet project would be that fat fan from RAW. I'd book him to get revenge on CM Punk while using incorrect grammar.
ReplyDeleteI wanted this done to the Rock since talking was what everyone loved about him. Either through an injury angle or some other means.
ReplyDeleteSo you'd make them Mr. Big?
ReplyDeleteI think they're going this way anyway but I'd build the Wyatt into a Flock-type stable, brainwashing other peeps into joining etc. They could have that dry ass fucker Bo Dallas come in and do his shit babyface routine and get beaten to fuck and turned into the Kidman of the group, complete with greasy unwashed hair and 24/7 downcast demeanor
ReplyDeleteI would figure out an angle where The Miz and Jack Swagger's World title reigns are wiped from history as well, like officially wiped
ReplyDeleteHis stable would have to be called F-Unit.
ReplyDeleteDry ass fucker? Seriously bro? Dry ass fucker?
ReplyDeleteOy vey.
ReplyDeleteDougie, someday I hope I'm as good at something as you are at trolling.
ReplyDeleteHaha! Who knows he might be, especially if he hangs out with Khali
ReplyDeleteDid you really think that was cool? Cause that would've got you a red ass beatdown in my neighborhood.
ReplyDeleteWell, I was 9. And I only did it while playing football for like six weeks in the mid-90's. But congrats on having never done something embarrassing when you were a kid.
ReplyDeleteWearing a do-rag?
ReplyDeleteThey would PG it to the Attitude Adjusters.
ReplyDeleteThanks. It wasn't easy.
ReplyDeleteIsn't that the plot of Fozzy? Can bands have a plot?
ReplyDeleteI'd break up the shield and put reigns and ziggler together and do hbk/diesel 1994/5 thing with them. And I would push Ambrose to the top of card and have him be the #1 heel
ReplyDeleteYou better BO-lieve it
ReplyDeleteOr in the alternative I'd take hhh, aj, and swagger and bury them deep down under Titan towers
ReplyDeleteFozzy exists solely as a vehicle for Chris Jericho to meet famous people that he can namedrop in his books.
ReplyDeleteI said this in a column before but i'd take one of either Evan Bourne, Seth Rollins after the Shield break up, or Justin Gabriel and make them like the wrestling version of Jackass. Since the Jackass crew come on Raw to promote their movies every time anyway, maybe even have them annoint him as a member of the crew. Change his ring gear to more skate punk type stuff, and have him do crazy high flying stuff and high spots, as well as stupid Jackass type pranks during promos to piss off his opponents.
ReplyDeleteDude, you should've not taken him seriously.
ReplyDeleteYes, kids regularly get beat up for wearing do-rags. /lmfao
For talking trash during pee-wee football? Like Neon Deion? Absolutely.
ReplyDeleteOh, it's totally embarrassing. But who cares? I was 9!
ReplyDeleteDid Deion Sanders talk trash? Also, did you ever play little league sports? Because pretty much every sport I've played over the age of six has had trash talking.
ReplyDeleteeh, it's like any other sport, the only thing that mattered was if SHough was any good. If you're good, you can talk trash.
ReplyDeleteAlso for Justin Gabriel and wholly unoriginal gimmicks, since you can't understand shit he says anyway, i'd have him do a ripoff of Brad Pitt's character from Snatch. Maybe change his name and have him start speaking gibberish, looking all sketchy. And then have him be inexplicably powerful in the ring.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure he was the best 9yo in the tri-county area.
ReplyDeleteThen you played with a lot of dumbshit kids.
ReplyDeleteThey're the ones who want to be with you.
ReplyDeleteEh, it depends on how you look at it. If I'd played baseball it probably wouldn't have happened. Dougie, did you ever consider you got so many beatings because you're a miserable, malignant asshole?
ReplyDeleteIt is the plot of Spinal Tap, I know that
ReplyDeleteI never got any beatings. I been making fools tap since 1982.
ReplyDeleteDepends on the sport, with football I was better than average but it wasn't like my legend echoed through the county. I gave as good as I got and worked hard.
ReplyDeleteIf someone tells you they've never lost a fight it means one of two things: they haven't been in many fights or they're lying.
ReplyDeleteAll the other guys in the weight room really must've been impressed by your dedication.
ReplyDeleteDougie comes from the 'hood, yo, where'd they punk ya ass just for wearing the wrong colors.
ReplyDeleteBorn and raised in south side Chicago and I'm still disagreeing with that statement of yours.
Not as impressed as they were by my doorag. And we've come full circle.
ReplyDeleteWas that another one of your intimidating trash talking bits from when you were 9? How about sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me? Or if ifs and buts were candy and nuts, oh what a party we'd have?
ReplyDeleteI'd just like to see a plain smoking wrestler... heel of course.
ReplyDeleteDo the old ring bell to the throat deal... make it seem legit and not like a stipulation. Rock (or any great talking face really) wins the blowoff match on PPV, and can finally speak on RAW the next night.
ReplyDeleteYeah. Is he a rapist in who is dehydrated or a rapist who doesn't like to use lube on his victims?
ReplyDeleteThis is important to the gimmick that you tell us.
Didn't R-Truth do that?
ReplyDeleteNah, it's a truism I learned in jiu jitsu. I don't need to trash talk you, Dougie. It's the internet and I couldn't do a better job of making you look bad than you do.
ReplyDeleteIt depended on the sport. I was better than average at football. But yeah, I agree with you.
ReplyDeleteOh shit! You took jiu jitsu! Luckily just last night I made a jiu jitsu teacher cry like a little girl when I made him give up his lunch money. And you can take that to the bank playmaker!
ReplyDeleteThen it's a good thing he knows there's no shame in losing a fight.
ReplyDeletewas that before or after you went home to Kate Upton?
ReplyDeleteHey man, we don't know how tough Dougie had it growing up. They had a cleaning lady instead of a maid! And he went to a public school.
ReplyDeleteI don't like chubby chicks.
ReplyDeleteFortunately, I've never had to learn that lesson.
ReplyDeleteAll the divas are heels all the time. And sluttier. And wrestle less. If they are going to hire eye candy that can't wrestle (in most cases) they might as well stop pretending and just make them all valets... and I find heel women to be hotter.
ReplyDeleteConnecticut state law generally frowns upon these sort of things. Believe me!
ReplyDeleteThis might be the worst troll comment I've read so far in this thread.
ReplyDeleteIf it were Pat Patterson's party, maybe..
ReplyDeleteYou built yourself into an elite fighting machine by sacrificing friends, romantic interests, social graces, intellectual pursuits, or a career.
ReplyDeleteYep, in London when he turned heel on John Morrison.
ReplyDeleteI actually miss heel R-Truth.
Also, wasn't Big Show (I guess The Giant, then) smoking in WCW to show how ... something he was?
ReplyDeleteIt might be the worst troll comment Dougie has ever made. And he's so committed to his art he actually moved under a bridge.
ReplyDeleteOr? I think that one got away from you milkman.
ReplyDeleteRed ass beatdown? The fuck?
ReplyDeleteTwo Dudes with Attitudes (copyright VKM 1995).
ReplyDeleteGod doesn't give with both hands. He's not your mom, zing.
ReplyDeleteI think Sting, JYD, Lex Luger, El Gigante and the Steiners (and Paul Orndorff? how did he get in there?!?) in 1990 would challenge that.
ReplyDeleteMy mom is an amputee asshole.
ReplyDeleteIt's not my fault someone told her fetish porn paid better.
ReplyDeleteSo? She straps on her fake leg and goes back to giving handjobs. You should be proud, she's an inspiration!
ReplyDeleteMake Chyna lead a stable of female pornstars. They go around jumping the Divas backstage and assaulting them with sex toys. Her main target would be Stephanie McMahon for stealing HHH and ruining her life.
ReplyDeleteThis leads to a "strap" match at the Extreme Rules PPV between the Divas and the pornstars. It would be the highest grossing PPV of all time.
She had her arms amputated. You're not much of a nurse.
ReplyDelete... on a pole.
ReplyDeleteThree Man Band with Great Khali versus Three Count with Tank Abbott! BOOK IT!
ReplyDeleteChange John Cena's name to John Seamen so the announcers can say, 'Seamen is all over his opponent after the Five Knuckle Shuffle!'
ReplyDeleteWargames at survivor series. Triple h, Orton and the shield vs Bryan, cm punk, ziggler, Mark Henry and big show. Have Shawn Michaels as special guest referee, who turns heel during the match. Have Shawn be cocky asshole Shawn again, who has ppv matches against Bryan and cm punk.
ReplyDeleteDon't blame me, if she'd charged for all those handies she would have been able to pay for a better doctor.
ReplyDeleteShe has no hands. Are you fucking dense?
ReplyDeleteIf she'd charged for all those handjobs she would still have hands.
ReplyDeleteShe lost them in a combine accident when she was 8 you sick fuck.
ReplyDeleteLower Merion?
ReplyDeleteI had sex with Jessica Biel last night.
ReplyDeleteSee, I can make up shit too.
Narberth
ReplyDeleteSo that explains why she didn't push me off her.
ReplyDeleteI think she's married.
ReplyDeleteOh shit son, you might as well have grown up in HARLEM!
ReplyDeleteIt's the Compton of the east coast.
ReplyDeleteNarberth is fucking Elysium compared to Overbrook. Seriously, you're a fucking suburbanite.
ReplyDeleteI'm not even from Pennsylvania. Nice try though.
ReplyDeleteOne I would have loved to do was a Heel Zack Ryder after Cena got kissed by Eve. I woulda had him turn on Cena and basically become Lex Luthor. I'd have him cut a promo while shaving his head (since the "Spike your hair" was a huge part of the character) and basically start recruiting wrestlers to take out Cena. No more purple and Orange, just black suits. And he would get really pissed off if anyone said WWWYKI (which would ensure the fans chant Woo).
ReplyDeleteA minor change I would have preferred was when Kane got his mask back. Instead of just using a wig and reverting to his old look, I would have had him stay bald with a mask. I think it would have looked cool, like Jason. Also I would've gotten him a better mask, don't like the design of the current one.
ReplyDeleteFinally a generic gimmick that could be used by anyone. It would be a masked heroic wrestler who would have an alter ego like Jushin Liger has. So when shit gets real, he rips off the mask and has some crazy face paint and wrestles a completely different style.
ReplyDeleteIt looks like a fruit rollup.
ReplyDeleteAnd here's an example of the problem with your trolling, Dougie. If you're telling the truth then I should (and would) feel legitimately bad. But, because you've been such a malignant troll, my assumption is you're full of shit and that any sympathy from me willbe met with, "I was joking, lol you're retarded".
ReplyDeleteHead in fucking hands.
ReplyDeleteDo you mean in those chapters that everyone skips on the second read through?
ReplyDeleteRyback -- Keep his current bully character, but re-incorporate some of the guy we saw during the Cena feud who thought he was smarter than everyone else, used some big words and actually said some profound things here and there. He'd be like a muscle-head philosopher, and not as cowardly in the ring as they've made him look lately. Give him a long run with the Intercontinental or U.S. belt where he actually defends the title on TV sometimes, running through mid-level faces until a bigger name like Ziggler or Big Show has seen enough and comes after his title.
ReplyDeleteMy friend growing up was like that, but with Barry Sanders. Around the same age as you were with Neon. His mom was having another kid, and he went on a TIRADE for the kid to be called Barry. Like, he was threatening to run away if that kid was not a living tribute to Barry Sanders. To this day he still contends he's the greatest running back ever.
ReplyDeleteFootball needs another Neon. Wearing the furs, and rapping.
My grandparents owned a restaurant in Redwood City for about twenty years that was largely successful because my grandparents were sweet midwestern Jewish folks who took care of their customers (and the amazing donuts which I realized were so good because they were made in-house AND used real sugar). Some of the 49ers would come in and my grandfather got to know a few of the San Francisco athletes. To make a long story short, I was initially a 49ers fan until my grandparents moved and I went to my default position: rooting for who my (idolized) older brother rooted for. In this case it was the Philadelphia Eagles.
ReplyDeleteMr. Sports Entertainment
ReplyDeleteYES! I have been saying that since day one of it showing up. TERRIBLE choice.
ReplyDeleteI like that.
ReplyDeleteThat's what she said!
ReplyDeleteI still think there is money to be made with the Warrior managing Ryback. Warrior wears a suit and tie to the ring and rarely talks but every once in awhile signs of the old Warrior come out. This would eventually lead to a Ryback/Warrior vs. HHH/Vince McMahon match.
ReplyDelete...scha-WINNNNNNNNNNG!!!
ReplyDelete