The PG Era Rant: Monday Night Raw, 9-9-13

When last we left our heroes, Robert Griffin III was suffering from a knee injury he may not have needed to have had.  Meanwhile, Andy Reid was being shown the door after 14 years.  Now, a new coach enters the Eagles’ locker room, while Washington looks to defend their division crown with a healthier defense and…

                                               

…what?  Oh, right.  Wrong heroes.  I have to review the ones who stand on stage and do nothing.  Rats.

On tonight’s show: Randy Orton faces Goldust, while Edge appears.

- The PG Rant for Monday Night Raw, September 9, 2013.

- Live from Toronto, ON.

- Your hosts are Michael Cole, JBL, and Jerry Lawler.

 - And Edge opens, as they waste no time popping the crowd.  I have to say, this is a welcome change of pace from the last two weeks.  He still looks just wrong without long hair.  And it wouldn’t be an Edge intro without Tony Chimel popping a falsetto on “Superstar”.  We’re going to open with The Cutting Edge.  And even the Cutting Edge is “best for business”.  The guest will not be Christian, but it will be Randy Orton.  But that would be boring, says Edge.  And it has nothing to do with cashing in (thank you for finally saying that), but with his subservience to HHH.  So it won’t be Randy Orton either.  Crowd hopes for Daniel Bryan, and they get it, even overstepping Edge’s setup line.  But first, we look at Big Show’s emasculation last week.  Bryan reminds us that HHH threatened his health last week, and yeah, he was hurt.  But he says that no matter how bad it is, it’ll all be worth it when he wins.  The crowd is electric for Bryan and Edge.  Edge puts over the “low indy past” of Bryan, and says that they’re living childhood dreams.  Edge says he doesn’t know who will win on Sunday, but Bryan deserves a fair shot.  And now the money question: does Bryan believe he can do it?  Can you shove all HHH’s plans in his face?  Is he the face of—oh, sorry, time to interrupt this feelgood segment as Randy Orton comes out alone.  No HHH makes me happy.  Orton goes for the cheap heat early, and says it’s a shame that Edge’s body failed him young.  Crowd gets on Orton’s case, so he responds by holding the belt up.  Edge says Orton, the face, acts “like an entirely different body part”.  “I may have problems with my spine, but at least I have one.”  BURN!  Edge says HHH doesn’t know how to pick talent because he doesn’t think Dani… aw, man, here’s HHH.  We almost made it through the opening segment.  HHH allows Edge to say it straight TO him.  And since Edge isn’t a WWE employee, he can say what he wants.  HHH was apparently against Edge, Jericho, Cena, and Bryan, and that HHH can’t see past the nose on his face.  Well, heck, who CAN?  HHH plugs Haven on Syfy for Edge.  Because it’s good for business.  HHH admits he was wrong on Jericho and Cena, and it’s too soon on Bryan, but he was 100% dead on about Edge.  He says Rated R was a failure because he never drew a dime.  Pot, kettle, black.  But all anyone has to do is prove him wrong, and that’s what our main event is for tonight: Bryan v. Ambrose.  But to counteract Rollins and Reigns, Big Show will be in Bryan’s corner.  HHH: “It would be so much easier if everyone would just learn to get along with me.”  I love shoot comments that aren’t meant to be shoot comments.  Hey, Toronto, that chant isn’t PG.  Edge drops the marriage card.  HHH cuts off another non-PG comment.  HHH says it’s okay for Edge to say it because he’s too crippled to fight, so instead, he had Shield beat Christian up backstage.  HHH is slowly learning how to be the mafia don and allow Orton and Shield to be muscle.  Also a good way to write off Christian.  Crowd was red hot for this segment, but it was a lot more of the same: HHH says stuff, Bryan says stuff, Bryan’s put in a trap match.

- Backstage, Edge storms into HHH’s office and says he wants a piece of HHH.  HHH asks who Edge is to try to take over HIS SHOW.  Toronto is apparently HHH’s town.  Ambrose’s smirk is great in the background.  HHH ejects Edge from the show.

- Kofi Kingston v. Curtis Axel.  This is a rematch from SmackDown, but apparently still non-title.  Axel works the back to start, dropping the big elbows.  Dropkick follows, getting one.  Axel chokes Kingston against the ropes.  Kofi leaps out the back of a back suplex and begins the comeback.  Flying forearm misses, but a blind charge by Axel eats boot.  SOS connects, but Axel’s in the ropes.  Heyman is trying to grow a beard.  Axel suckers Kingston into a boot to the head.  Mudhole stomping in the corner as the fans chant “Walrus”.  Axel with a series of knees to the back, and he won’t stop so the ref DQs him at 2:12.  LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME.  1/2* Yeah, I know, if Axel does that Sunday then Punk gets Heyman.  And I’ll give them credit: the fans get it.  Heyman berates Axel to keep his temper.  But it’s not Sunday, so Axel isn’t done.  This allows Kingston to hit Trouble in Paradise on Axel.  At this point, Axel basically HAS to win over Punk, or he’s a dead man walking.

- Ooh, a career retrospective on Goldust.  I mark for Goldust.  Deal with it.  Dustin Rhodes for Hall of Fame.

- Backstage, Heyman slips on a wet spot and is injured.  Or so we’re supposed to believe.  Heyman refuses WWE doctors and says he has his own.  This is so transparent.  I love it.

- We look back at Big Show being emasculated again.  I still say Bryan should have been in position to win.  This takes us backstage as Booker T wants to talk to Big Show.  He tells Show not to be a hero, and just to think about his family.  Did Booker T turn heel and I wasn’t told?  He says those feelings of heroism are pride.  Just be professional.

- And in perfect cutting, we go to the Wyatt Family, and the first quote is: “They been lying to you, man.  There is no such thing as a hero!”

- Dolph Ziggler v. Bray Wyatt.  Wyatt with the first shot, knocking down Ziggler and tossing him into a slam.  He does the inverted corner taunt, but runs into a dropkick.  Rowan is disposed of, but Wyatt steamrolls Ziggler.  “Is this not what you asked for?”  And with that, we go to commercial, so I guess the answer is: not really.  We come back with Ziggler elbowing out of the chinlock, only to get yanked down.  Wyatt with a falling headbutt into a chinlock, which Ziggler jawbreaks out of.  Avalanche by Wyatt misses, and Ziggler with a Stinger Splash and ten-punch countalong into a neckbreaker.  Showoff elbow gets 0.9.  Famouser gets two.  Ziggler dodges the disciples, but Wyatt gets the avalanche in the corner.  Sister Abigail ends it at 6:35.  Was the mid-match commercial break necessary?  *1/4  Just to point out, we’ve had nine minutes or so of wrestling in the first hour opposite MNF’s season debut, and a good three and a half of it was in the commercial break.

- For the record, the Eagles are up big on the Redskins, so maybe RAW is going to get lucky.

- Hey, Tommy gets to review another Edge appearance, on SmackDown.  Why would HHH have him on after tonight?

- More Goldust.  I’m happy.

- Meanwhile, Heyman is out on crutches.  First hint: he’s inconsistent with the leg.  Second hint: it’s wrestling.  Crowd smells a rat.  What’s health clare?  Heyman’s personal doctor is with him.  Crowd appears to be chanting “We don’t care”.  Heyman says he blew his knee out, so he’s out of Night of Champions.  Would he lie to you?  And he really wanted to be there, too!  The insincerity is wonderful.  So Heyman must leave Canada and head to New York.  But wait, here comes Brad Maddox in the Jack Tunney role, and he has a WWE doctor with him.  Lawler and JBL put over the doctor as the one who helped Lawler during his heart attack.  Maddox makes it clear: Heyman’s not out of the match unless the WWE doctor says so.  So did this doctor diagnose Shawn Michaels’ smilectomy back in the day?  I wish I’d been there.  Crowd chants “This Is Awkward”.  Seriously, why can’t this be done during the commercial?  The doctor calls Heyman’s bluff.  And now, CM Punk interrupts Heyman’s tirade with some Kendo Stick Therapy, and Heyman very spryly runs away.  Lawler: “It’s a miracle!”  I bet Jerry booked this segment.  Punk takes it out on Doctor Whatshisname.  Crowd: “KILL THE DOCTOR!”  And he does.  Entertaining crap.

- You know, a random thought so I’m not bored during commercial: is it just me, or does it seem like the focus of Bryan/Ambrose is on Big Show and not Bryan?

- Layla, Aksana, and Alicia Fox v. Naomi, Brie Bella, and Natalya.  AJ Lee on commentary.  Aksana and Naomi start, and Naomi gets an atomic drop and butt-butt for two.  Naomi cuts off a charge and goes up, but Aksana cuts her off and pounds away.  Layla with a hangman’s choke on Naomi, followed by a dropkick for two.  AJ rants on commentary to overshadow the match.  Layla works the leg and cuts off a tag, but the legdrop misses.  Hot tag Natalya (Brie pulled her hand away in a nice touch), and Natalya cleans house on Fox and company.  Blind charge misses, and a slam gets one.  Aksana is dumped, but Natalya gets a discus clothesline and Sharpshooter on Fox for the tapout at 2:52.  I’ll live with it.  1/2* I’m not sure why I reviewed that match when I’m supposed to care about AJ and Total Divas, but eh, such is my commitment to my craft.

- R-Truth v. Alberto Del Rio.  Even champions need someone to squash.  Syndicam interview with RVD during intros.  A struggle during a lockup, but ADR controls with a shoulderblock.  He taunts too much, and Truth slaps ADR and works over him in the corner.  ADR kicks away and works over Truth in the corner as the crowd chants for JBL for no reason.  Truth blocks a backdrop and clotheslines ADR out (on the second try), following with a plancha.  Back in, crowd chants for Jerry.  ADR with the run-up enzuigiri.  And there’s the Cole chant for the trifecta as ADR pounds on Truth on the outside.  Back in, he gets one and goes to the chinlock as the fans are distracted by something.  Truth fights out of it and gets a sunset flip for two.  ADR races in with a lariat and mushroom stomp on Truth’s back.  It gets one, and we go back to the chinlock as the crowd finally decides to focus on the match and chant for RVD to interrupt it.  ADR runs into a leg lariat, and the comeback begins.  Front suplex gets two.  And now the crowd wants Undertaker.  Please, crowd: shut up.  You’re embarrassing yourself.  Axe Kick is missed, and ADR slams Truth.  Running superkick leads to the armbreaker for the tapout at 4:49.  Crowd didn’t care, and there was no drama in the match so it’s hard to blame them.  *

- Usos, Real Amercians, 3MB, Tons of Funk, and Prime Time Players will face off in a gauntlet match to see who faces the Shield.  That’s your kickoff match.  Nothing wrong with that.

- Antonio Cesaro v. Santino Marella.  Zeb Colter chews out Canada for being a bad ally.  Please mention how they housed deserters during Vietnam, since that would be in Colter’s character to hate Canada over.  But no, he doesn’t.  Boo.  But hey, Santino’s back!  Don’t tell anyone he’s Canadian, because he’s Italian.  Cesaro gets no entrance.  SPEED WALKERRRRRRRRR!  Sorry, obscure reference.  Cesaro races in with a dropkick.  He pounds on Santino and gets a Karelin suplex.  Santino tries to fight out of it, eventually weakening Cesaro and getting a roundhouse, but Cesaro trips him and gets a VERY LONG giant swing.  Crowd pops for this spot.  Seriously, he’s getting something like 30 or 40 spins.  Santino is too dizzy to stand, so Cesaro pounds away.  Santino ducks a clothesline and begins his comeback with the salute headbutt, but Cesaro kicks the Cobra (really) and gets a European Uppercut for two.  Cobra is disposed of, and a belly-to-belly slam gets two.  Charging uppercut in the corner gets two.  Santino shakes out the cobwebs (probably from the giant swing) and catches Cesaro taunting, and a judo throw into a cradle wins it at 3:43.  The giant swing alone is worth a full star.  **1/4 Sue me, I loved it.

- Damien Sandow v. The Miz.  Some feeling out to start, but Sandow with elbows to control only to get run over.  Crowd’s on Sandow’s side.  Miz with a suplex and he just shrugs off the heel heat.  Sandow works Miz in the corner, but Miz reverses with the through-the-ropes clothesline.  Axhandle off the top gets two.  Knees to the back by Miz as he’s got no issue working heel, but Sandow trips Miz into the ropes and delivers crossface blows and a hip to the neck for two.  Sandow stomps away and drops the knee for one as this match is a bit incoherent.  More knees leads to the Russian legsweep and Cubito Aequet for two.  Guys, just let Miz work the heel role here.  Chinlockery abounds as the crowd chants for Jericho.  Miz armdrags out and stops a blind charge.  Clothesline and kneelift into a big boot follows to the crowd’s contempt.  Hamstring kick by Miz.  And now Fandango appears to distract Miz, allowing Sandow to roll him up for the pin at 3:45.  Crowd is too busy dancing to care.  I’ve given up trying to explain the Toronto crowd.  Yeesh.  3/4*

- Meanwhile, Goldust is backstage to a HUGE pop.  He talks about how he’s the family’s black sheep and Cody is the good guy.  He’s not happy about HHH firing Cody and embarrassing the Rhodes name. Tonight, Cody gets his second chance that Dustin (well, it’s essentially Dustin) kept getting and not deserving.  But just at the end, HHH interrupts.  Rhodes: “I was doing better til you just showed up.”  You and me both.  HHH tries to get into Dustin’s head by playing up how much pressure is on Dustin.  Well, he IS the Cerebral Assassin.  HHH tells Dustin not to let the family down, and since Goldust was just talking about how he let people down, that’s heavy.  Credit where credit is due: that is some GREAT HHH dickishness right there.

- I just noticed about the Night of Champions promo shots: each champion is holding the belt in his hands and looking at it.  No, that’s not the part I just noticed, this is: Daniel Bryan is shown glaring at the camera, and his arms are positioned in the same way as the champs while he’s holding air.  That’s neat characterization.

- Randy Orton v. Goldust.  I will overrate this match in all likelihood, just a warning beforehand.  You know, Goldust/Piper should’ve been in the 30 Years of WrestleMania segment of WWE 2K14.  This is being portrayed as a McMahon/Rhodes family feud dating back to before I was born – and I’m not young.  Goldust storms Orton and fires off, but Orton cuts off the attack only for Goldust to keep it up.  Crowd meets every shot Goldust does with a YES.  Goldust stops a bling charge, pounds away, and whips him pillar to post.  Orton with a European Uppercut to stop it.  Back elbow by Goldust and Orton bails as the crowd is INTO this.  Crowd: “YOU STILL GOT IT!”  Damn straight.  Orton teases a countout before returning.  Orton teases a test of strength and kicks Goldust hard, with a European uppercut for two.  Orton chokes Goldust in the ropes, then whips him in, only to miss a dropkick and get cradled for two.  Goldust with a HUGE chop in the two different corners, but Orton with the thumb to the eye to stop momentum.  Orton with ten punches in the corner as Goldust slumps, and a very deliberate knee to the throat.  Orton stomps on Goldust’s hands, but Orton whiffs on a powerslam and Goldust cradles for two.  Orton is stuck in the corner and bails before Shattered Dreams can happen, allowing us to go to break.  We return with Orton in control, but Goldust fights out only to get uppercut.  Blind charge hits the boots and sends Orton bailing, and this time Goldust follows and sends Orton into the steps.  Goldust rakes the back, which might’ve hurt more if he didn’t have gloves on.  Orton drapes Goldust on the top rope and whips him into the steel post from the apron.  They tease a countout, but Orton exits to break it up and back suplexes Goldust on the barricade.  Goldust eats steps on the outside, and it gets two.  Orton with the Garvin Stomp on Goldust, getting two.  Back to the chinlock.  The crowd rallies behind Goldust, which is a great sign.  Goldust punches out of it only to get nailed with a knee to the gut.  But it’s a bulldog out of nowhere by Goldust to cause a double KO.  Goldust with clotheslines, but Orton puts his head down and gets the kneeling punch.  Now the crowd counts along with the ten punches.  They tease a ref bump, allowing Goldust a cradle for two.  Orton is able to recover with a draping DDT.  Orton does the YES chant to rile up the crowd in a brilliant bit before going into RKO Mode, but Goldust ALSO catches him in Cross Rhodes for two.  Same spot as last week, and it’s JUST as effective in firing up the crowd.  Now ORTON cradles Goldust for two before getting the RKO to win at 14:48.  Great old-school match.  ***1/2  And to respond to people in the thread, according to NBA Jam, he IS on fire.  Orton taunts Goldust post-match and ties it into winning on Sunday.  If you don’t love Orton’s work, why the hell not?

- Los Matadores.  Eventually, they will wrestle.

- Backstage, Goldust is inconsolable.  Stephanie rubs it in, dropping the nice girl act, then fires him.  Cody’s comeback is going to pop the crowd huge, but how does it happen?  Even JBL, the toady he is, can’t condone what just happened.

- Sidebar: Raw has my permission to have a main event consist of Dusty Rhodes destroying Mr. McMahon.  Make it happen.

- Rob Van Dam v. Ryback.  Huh… RVD is doing the same “empty belt hands” pose.  Interesting.  Alberto Del Rio’s back out to taunt RVD and Ricardo.  RVD kicks away to start, and gets a dropkick as the crowd chants Goldberg.  Rolling monkey flip goes nowhere, and Ryback with a huge elbow and pounds away.  Ryback goes CLUBBERIN, THEY BE CLUBBERIN TONY and does an overhead suplex.  He slams RVD’s head on the mat and does an abdominal stretch.  RVD fights out and blocks with feet, and after a series of reversals, RVD gets the stepover enzuigiri and Rolling Thunder for one.  Running wheel kick by RVD and he goes up with a flying cannonball senton for two.  Back up top, and a flying kick floors Ryback.  Five-star looks to finish, but Ryback rolls out and suckers RVD into the barricade off the top.  Ouch.  Ryback sends RVD crotch-first into the post, and the match falls apart at 2:59, presumably by DQ.  Ryback adds Shell Shock for the hell of it.  Man, I have SO much confidence in RVD now on Sunday.  *1/4  By the way, because I like Ryback’s bully character, I have to add: Ryback was saying “Stupid” to RVD at random points in the match.

- Stephanie finds Big Show and tells him not to touch the Shield or he’s fired.

- Main event: Dean Ambrose v. Daniel Bryan.  As noted earlier, Rollins and Reigns are in Ambrose’s corner, and Big Show will be in Bryan’s corner but can’t interfere.  Ironclad contracts aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on, are they?  Bryan pounds away on Ambrose to start, but Ambrose reverses and rubs a forearm in his face.  Ambrose works on Bryan in the corner, but Bryan reverses with kicks, causing Ambrose to bail as we focus on Big Show at ringside.  Shield huddles up and surrounds Bryan, but a distraction fails and Bryan with a knee to the gut.  Bryan with a snapmare and kick to the back, twice over, and a kneedrop gets one.  Ambrose runs over Bryan, but gets caught with a drop toehold.  Bryan stomps the arm and elbow, working the arm into a chickenwing.  Gorilla Monsoon would say he’s working the sub-scapular area.  Now Bryan works both arms into a bizarre pinning predicament for one.  Bryan goes to a bow-and-arrow surfboard, but Ambrose leans into the ropes.  He catches Bryan and does shoulder rams in the corner.  Bryan flips over on a whip and lands a running lariat.  Double-arm suplex follows, and Bryan goes up top, but Rollins distracts him and Ambrose sends Bryan to the barricade as we take a break.  We return with Ambrose still in control, punching away in the corner and getting a Hammer Throw whip into the corner.  He taunts Bryan and repeats.  But the third time Bryan dodges and Ambrose goes into the post on the ensuing charge.  Bryan with the cross-corner dropkick and repeated roundhouse kicks, then to the top for a Frankensteiner for two.  Yes Kicks follow, as Rollins advises Ambrose to catch one, but instead Ambrose ducks the final one only to get cradled for two.  Yes Lock is applied, but it’s 10:57 so Ambrose makes the ropes.  I hate being a smart sometimes.  Bryan kicks away in the corner again, but the cross-corner dropkick misses and Ambrose rolls Bryan up with the tights for two.  Ambrose taunts Bryan some more and goes ground and pound.  Bryan is put up top, but he sneaks out between Ambrose’s legs and puts him in the Tree of Woe for more Yes Kicks and a NASTY cross-corner dropkick before following with a belly-to-back superplex for two.  Crowd declares it Awesome.  More kicking from Bryan, but Ambrose dumps Bryan on a charge.  Reigns tries to spear Bryan, but he dodges.  Rollins misses as well, so Ambrose gets a Northern Lariat and DDT on the floor right in front of Big Show.  Back in, it gets two.  “Why don’t you stay down!?  STAY DOWN! STAY DOWN!”  Ambrose is rattled and gets off his game, so he gets small packaged for the win at 14:09.  ***  Bryan sends Ambrose into the Shield for good measure.  Show and Bryan lead a HUGE YES chant… and here’s Orton.  Crowd is all “NOT AGAIN” but this time Bryan dives onto Orton and begins attacking, only for Shield to follow.  Sorry, did you think this week would be different?  Show has a chair and stalks Shield, who freaks out.  Now, a side note: he’s allowed to touch Orton, right?  I know, me and my logic.  Show walks off dejected so that Orton and Shield can give us the same ending as the last bajillion weeks.  Orton taunts Show in particular before giving Bryan the RKO.  Show walks away as HHH and Stephanie come out and tell him to KO Punch Bryan AGAIN.  Good grief, a rerun?  Really?  After a lot of stalling, Orton gets in Show’s face.  Orton holds Bryan up, which is asking for a mistake to happen.  But nothing happens.  Show wants to refuse, and now Orton is yelling at Show.  But all the stalling allows Bryan to deliver the flying knee to Orton and celebrate with the title.  FINALLY!  A hope spot!  WHAT TOOK SO LONG?

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Well, as you can see, they had ME fooled.

You know, it doesn’t take much to make me happy about a story.  I wanted to know that Bryan was going to be allowed to have a chance.  Now, I see him appear to have a chance.  He gets one over on Randy Orton, and all it took was a way for him to win.

We see the formula today: if Orton can’t put Bryan away right away, he’ll be frustrated, and no one capitalizes on frustration like Daniel Bryan.  That’s the key.  Now there’s a glimmer of hope.  Daniel Bryan doesn’t have to beat Orton pillar to post in order to win.  All he has to do is survive the flurry from Orton and the Shield, not get RKO’d (because that move is right now invincible), and then catch Orton with a moment of brilliance.

But now, the rant: why did they wait this long?  They had two Raws between the first one (which Orton had to come out on top of) and this one to prove that Bryan had a chance.  One of you hypothesized that the Raws that don’t bookend PPVs are phoned in, and if that’s so, it’s a wasted opportunity.  They need to do better pacing and do better with building up both sides.  That’s true 50/50 booking, not trading wins.

It’s being done cheaply in RVD/ADR (sorry, but the “non-title win leads to title shot” story is overused), and Axel is so far buried that if he doesn’t win he might as well be cut.  The Divas’ match has its own issues (heel AJ is being a brat, but if we watch Total Divas we’d be watching her challengers being brats and we don’t know who the good girl is).  The Tag Team Turmoil is a throwaway, which disappoints me.

But this show is being sold on two matches: Punk/Axel and Bryan/Orton.  Here’s hoping it works.

My predictions:

* Prime Time Players win Tag Team Turmoil and fall to the Shield.

* Dolph Ziggler is named Ambrose’s challenger, but Ambrose retains.

* Curtis Axel pins CM Punk after Punk gets too obsessed with Heyman.

* Natalya pins AJ to win the Divas’ Title.

* Del Rio retains over RVD.

* Bryan beats Orton by disqualification when the Shield interfere.  Big Show cleans house.

STATS:

MATCH TIME: 55:52 over nine matches

BEST MATCH: Orton/Goldust

WORST MATCH: Kingston/Axel

NIGHT MVP (kayfabe): Is it Daniel Bryan?  You know the answer.

FINAL SCORE: 8.  Two very good TV matches in Orton/Goldust and Bryan/Ambrose combine with a great subversion of what we’d come to expect.  Throw in Cesaro/Santino as a fun short match and I can’t say anything but it was a good show.

Stay tuned for the post-game with Mike Mears and Scott Keith’s highlight rant.  If you’re still reading, thank you.  See you after Night of Champions!