Gentleman, my fapping arm (and shoulder) has been injured. I would appreciate a moment of silence.
What's your most memorable injury. Funniest, most gruesome, most annoying, all fair game.
Thank God I never broke any bones (knock on wood) but I was a kid on vacation once, dived into a pool, and sprained my ankle, which made it nearly impossible to get around and a burden to my family as we went around New Hampshire.
This shoulder thing I'm dealing with is the most annoying though, that's for sure. I have to bat switch, and well, it don't feel right.
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Blog Otter Award: Dougie for making sense about continuity.
What's your most memorable injury. Funniest, most gruesome, most annoying, all fair game.
Thank God I never broke any bones (knock on wood) but I was a kid on vacation once, dived into a pool, and sprained my ankle, which made it nearly impossible to get around and a burden to my family as we went around New Hampshire.
This shoulder thing I'm dealing with is the most annoying though, that's for sure. I have to bat switch, and well, it don't feel right.
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Blog Otter Award: Dougie for making sense about continuity.
My first marriage! HEY OH!
ReplyDelete1999: Cleveland senate semi-final basketball game. Down by 18, I go up for a rebound with another guy i come down with the ball, he just elbows me in the nose.
ReplyDeleteI goto the bench and i keep saying, "I gotta blow my nose, I gotta blow my nose."
My coach looks at me and says "Fuj... your nose is broken."
Deviated septum.
2000: Im in my friend finished basement watching the slam dunk contest and this happens.
http://youtu.be/ImAMVqA6mug?t=1m22s
I jumped straight up through my friend ceiling and RE-BROKE MY NOSE!
I've had two injuries I'd call serious. I dislocated my right elbow in 7th grade and squealed like a little bitch; cried out for my mommy and everything, and I ain't ashamed. Shit. Fucking. Hurt. My reaction was purely instinctive.
ReplyDeleteThen in my early or mid 20s, I slipped two discs in my back, one of which pinched a nerve...happened while lugging around PA speakers for a gig. Played the gig, and spend the next 3 days in bed before I finally realized it wasn't going to get better on its own. I still have the occasional back problem to this day, especially when I let my weight get too far out of control.
Oh, I also had a broken leg as a baby/toddler. I don't remember it, but there are pictures where I'm wearing a cast.
Hm. Pretty sure I said I was going to bed in the other thread. Again, y'all have a great weekend.
All women are evil. Some are just plain mean.
ReplyDelete- Steven St. James
Old friend of mine wrote a song with that line. Always dug it.
I suggest you avoid similar impacts on your nose from here on out.
ReplyDeleteI broke my spine, L3 and L4 and it was left basically untreated for a couple of years leading to herniated discs as well. Also I had a bulging, herniated disc in my neck and had the same surgery Cena had before he came back at the Rumble. I was in the passenger seat and my girlfriend at the time was making a left hand turn. She had a green arrow. She went and across from us some dumb bitch in a truck tried to run her red and ended up smashing right into the passengers side. Get this, she didn't have a license or insurance. Asshole!
ReplyDeleteA couple of years later I was finally able to get the neck surgery and lumbar surgery to "fix" things. Although the doctors said because of the wait a lot more damage was done.
17 years old, I break my leg playing high school baseball. I was rounding first and heading for second, and my spike caught in the dirt and I went over on my leg, breaking it. I blacked out almost immediately. BUT I WAS SAFE, DAMMIT! I missed school time, exams, prom. The school wanted to graduate me anyway, but I no sold that, and went back and did my last year over the next semester.
ReplyDeleteKnee injury. When I has been doing Kung Fu for about 2 weeks we did an exercise where you run and jump... I jumped, and I landed my foot stayed in place but my knee wrenched to the left... and I sprained it. It took nearly a year of therapy, specialists, and medication for it to heal properly... most of that time it was swollen and had fluid in it.... and I favored it for so long I ended up hurting the other one as well. Still gives me problems from time to time... that said I think it was a big motivating factor for me to stay in martial arts which was a big part in turning my life around.
ReplyDeleteI throw my knee out once every two years or so. It hurts *so* fucking bad for the first couple of minutes, then swells up twice its size and it becomes impossible to put any weight on it for a month.
ReplyDeleteNever had any broken bones, but I've had plenty of cuts. When I was twelve I was carrying a trash bag down the driveway to the street... you know, swinging side to side next to me... and *slice* a piece of glass or metal edge on the bottom went across the top of my naked foot and took a silver dollar sized hunk out... probably around 3/4 of an inch deep. Not much the doctors at the ER (my mother overreacted) could do besides clean it and dress it. I still have a damn moon crater in my foot to this day. A few years later the metal lid to a can of tuna caught me just right and damn near took my middle finger off.
But yeah, the knee thing sucks.
OK, I got a few:
ReplyDelete1997 or so: It's Winter, and me and couple friends are riding our 20" bikes around. I'm in the rear, the 2 guys in front of me hop off the bikes and climb up a snowbank, jump a fence, and ride off. I try it, and end up crotching myself on the fence somehow. I know I'm about to hit it, so I lean back to get Jimmy and the Twins out of harm's way, and end up landing on and breaking my tailbone. Tip: don't break your tailbone, it feels like someone hitting you in the anus with a stun gun
2003: I'm working as a pizza delivery guy, some scumbag crackhead calls in a fake order to a vacant house, I go to deliver it and this 270lb piece of shit creeps on me and tackles me. I go down on the sidewalk and pretty much every bone in my left shoulder just shatters. I didn't have any use of my left arm for a year and a half, and even to this day I have nerve damage in my left arm and hand, though it's been 10 years now, I'm about at 90% of where it was before.
2011: Simple car accident (I wasn't driving), fucked up my back pretty good. Fully healed now, went back to work this past May.
Touch wood, I have nothing to mention in this thread.
ReplyDeleteI've got a good/funny/tragic one, this gets a little adult, so squeamish people look away. I have a tiny, small, barely noticeable scar on the underside of the shaft of my penis. You can barely see it, the scar is also really hard to see. I was 20 and getting a BJ from a girl I had met a couple nights before. At one point her gag reflex kicks in and she pulls back really fast scraping her bottom teeth on the underside of my dick.
ReplyDeleteIt hurt really bad and stung like a bitch. It bled a decent amount too. She apologized profusely and started crying so I comforted her and told her it was ok. My dick is bleeding and I'm comforting HER!
Just take the time to say how "Blog Otters" is stupid.
ReplyDelete"I've had two injuries I'd call serious. I dislocated my right elbow in 7th grade and squealed like a little bitch; cried out for my mommy and everything, and I ain't ashamed."
ReplyDeleteAfter seeing Eddie Guerrero dislocate his elbow, I wouldn't be ashamed to cry out for my mommy either if that happened to me.
My jaw was broken and had to be wired shut for 3 months.
ReplyDeleteHad a concussion after hitting my head on the ice while skating on a frozen pond. Had no idea exactly how it happened and apparently couldn't remember my name or phone number. I was 11 at the time.
ReplyDeleteThere's no moment I can point to for the injury, but my back has been screwed up for about 15 years. It started when I was in college, pains through the lower back, down the legs, into my nuts, etc. Pretty much the only thing that made me feel better was when I did core exercises. Since I was pretty sedentary and overweight, I thought it wouldn't hurt to include some exercise in my life. Eventually, working out became a lifestyle. I stole my brothers VHS tapes of Billy Blanks' Tae Bo, started eating better, stopped drinking regular soda, and dropped 60+ pounds in the span of 6 months. I still maintain that weight today, almost 15 years later.
ReplyDeleteThese days I try to keep my back in shape using low-impact cardio, yoga and Pilates and I'm very careful about form when I do weight workouts. Despite that, I still throw out my back once or twice per year doing something simple (e.g., sneezing, putting on pants, grabbing milk from the fridge -- last year I needed to walk with a cane for a couple of weeks). I live in constant fear that the next stiff breeze that I encounter will cripple me.
this is sort of embarrassing, but this is a safe environment, so.
ReplyDeletewithout getting int details,. i suffered a horrendus injury as a child and now...
well, i have a permanent crack in my butt :(
did you get pulled from all live events?
ReplyDeletei knew a dude in college who had his jaw wired, and he carried around wire cutters on his neck in case of an emergency (like throwing up)
ReplyDeleteWorst injury by far was picked up playing rugby earlier this year.
ReplyDeleteA scrum collapsed on me and when everyone stood up I had a dislocated knee.
And by dislocated I mean the knee cap on my left leg had gone through more than 90 degrees and was now pointing behind me. Absolute fucking agony.
To make matters worse the ambulance took nearly an hour to turn up during which time I had no pain relief and went into shock. By the time the paramedics did show up my whole body was spasming which meant they had no hope of being to be able to get it back in.
But lord did they try. 2 hours in A&E with 2 surgeons pushing my kneecap back in whilst the spasming muscles in my leg pushed back against it. They could not get it to budge and the pain was so excruciating that I screamed down the hospital despite being given enough morphine to knock out a rhino.
Eventually they put me under to be able to get it back in.
8 months later it's finally getting close to being back to normal but it'll never be quite the same again
Yep. I had to carry them too. I accidentally tore one of them out while playing a game of football. Two hand touch is serious business. It hurt like hell.
ReplyDeleteI lost both my legs in the 'Nam.
ReplyDelete.
.
.
.
...This was last year, by the way. I was tripping balls and I couldn't find my legs as they had been replaced by talking snakes. Good times.
Similarly, one time while I was fingering my ex girlfriend I accidentally scratched her REALLY HARD with my fingernail.
ReplyDeleteNeedless to say, I had to impregnate the toilet that night instead.
"Tip: don't break your tailbone, it feels like someone hitting you in the anus with a stun gun"
ReplyDeleteNote to self: break tailbone.
I used to be ambidextrous. Then I took an arrow to the knee.
ReplyDeleteMy most amusing injury, so far: I once broke my nose pole-vaulting. I hit the bar with my feet on the way up, landed back-first on the mat, and the bar hit me square in the face.
ReplyDeleteMy most amusing upcoming injury: my wife twisted her knee when she slipped on some ice. Somehow, she ended up with nerve damage in her left knee. It ended up costing her her job, we had to move to the west coast because the New England winters made it impossible for her to walk, and she will be on prescription meds for the rest of her life that would make it very, very dangerous for her to get pregnant. So, my wife slipped on some ice, and long story short, now I have to get a vasectomy.
Concussions do suck. I had one and while I could remember stuff like my name and phone number fine my short term memory was shit. I had trouble remembering if I had taken showers in the morning, what I had done just an hour earlier and I kept getting confused about the time of day or I wouldn't remember conversations had earlier. It was so frustrating and scary. Thankfully everything went back to normal after a couple of weeks.
ReplyDeleteFunny story. On shore leave on a cruise I went hiking/exploring/trying to get murdered in Mexico. I was swinging on a vine over a little river and pond when the vine broke. This is not me but it looks really really similar.
ReplyDeletehttp://i.imgur.com/jUkHEgq.gif
In my case the drop was about 15 feet. It wouldn't be a problem if I was over the water at the time. I was not over the water. I got turned upside down and landed basically right on my head and rolled down the hill never touching water at all.
This was not how I got injured however. I was more or less 100% OK. Couple scratches, nothing major. I laughed it off with the locals no big deal. All Americans are stoneheaded, etc.
About 2 hours later on the gangplank getting back onto the boat though a fat woman on a scooter bumped into me from behind, I lost my balance and somehow dislocated my elbow, sprained my shoulder and sprained my ankle all at the same time.
I apparently had to pay my karma debt and the powers that be didn't want to wait too long.
Holy hell, reading some of these makes me realize that I've been a very lucky man (especially given my lack of insurance). I've never broken anything or had any injuries with residual effects. The worst I've ever had is I gave myself a pretty nasty concussion when I tripped over a parking block while playing lazer tag. I remember nothing except coming to in the hospital, hearing myself give nonsensical answers to simple questions. At that point I managed to find some coherence and was filled in as to what had happened. I fractured my orbital and messed up my hip a bit (it still looks kind of odd today) but nothing that required further medical attention. The worst part is I was a Freshman in college at the time, so whenever I would explain what happened people would tune out at the lazer tag part and start making the same lame-ass jokes, "Ha ha, you concussed yourself playing lazer tag?!?! We'd better keep you away from a football field champ." As though it was being shot with a toy lazer and not my head plummeting onto a slab of concrete from a full sprint that had put me in the hospital. And if you want to make fun of me for being 19 and playing with toy lazer guns, then you clearly don't know how to enjoy life.
ReplyDeleteWhich one got the upvote: blunt force trauma to my face, or my date with the scrotal scalpel?
ReplyDeleteIt definitely has to be breaking my hip at the age of 16. There was an ice storm the night before, and I was walking to school when I slipped, went straight up into the air, and landed hard on the pavement. I did manage to walk the final block to school. It's just when I sat down, I couldn't get back up.
ReplyDeleteSo to the ER I go. X-Rays are done and they show the hairline fracture just below the neck of my femur. If I had broken it maybe a centimeter higher, I'd have been looking at a total hip replacement. Thankfully it didn't come to that. I did need surgery to put in a metal rod and screws, however. Got a nice sexy scar to show for it too.
The only bad injury I ever had was when I ignored a chest infection and developed a cough so bad it cracked one of my ribs. On its own it wouldn't have been bad but as the cough didn't go away it was constantly reaggravating the injury and meant I had to crouch down and hold myself in a dental position to keep myself as still as possible, it still felt like I was being stabbed in the chest repeatedly. Also I spent about twenty minutes each day coughing up mucus so I could breathe at night.
ReplyDeleteYou don't fap with your shoulder. You fap with your wrist.
ReplyDeleteTape it up and get back to work.
I think it was lifelong disability.
ReplyDeleteThat's why I don't accept blowjobs.
ReplyDeleteLike Stone Cold says, DTA: Don't Trust Anyone!
When I was a teenager bouncing on a trampoline, I had the bright idea to land on my knees.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what the hell I did to myself, but my back has not been 100% since.
This is a lame body part to injure, but I completely shattered my big toe chasing my dog up some stairs. The doc said it looked like someone took a hammer to my toe and the skin was the only thing keeping it together. Hurt like a bitch!
ReplyDeleteMy most gruesome would have to be when I shattered the left side of my face. Shattered orbital bone, broken cheek bone, broken jaw bone, and a really nasty injury to my sinus cavity. Man, did that suck.
ReplyDeleteRunner up for most gruesome, and number one for funniest - I basically broke my penis. When I was 16. My girlfriend (who I married 11 years later) was doing a little reverse cowgirl action. She leaned forward, went up and down, and bang...went up too far. Instead of staying in, her thigh made it fold like an accordion. It hurt very little right away, but later it swelled and turned black (there's a joke in there somewhere) and I had to have mom take me to the hospital. Made a full recovery, but fucking A did that suck.
So what do they do for a broken penis? Is it something that one couldn't recover from without medical assistance?
ReplyDeleteI made up some bullshit excuse and she just laughed and told me I was okay. About an hour later, it hurt really bad and was turning navy blue...so I went to her and said that even thoughits embarrassing as hellhell, I needed herto take a look (she's a nurse) to determine if I needed to go. As soon as she saw it, she "holy shit, get in the car." She bitched at and counseled me the whole damn time.
ReplyDeleteRub some dirt on it, Meek.
ReplyDeleteYour shoulder, not your dick.
Same luck here with injuries, if not more.
ReplyDeleteWorst I've suffered are sprained/twisted ankles (especially in high school/college), except for a pinched nerve in my neck when I was nine.
Jumping on the parents bed, managed to fall off a little awkwardly. I felt fine for a short while, then collapsed in MAJOR pain (not Payne) while walking to the kitchen. I seriously thought I might have a broken neck... turning it at all to either side was agony. One ambulance ride (and two concerned parents) later, and I've got the next two days off of school with something a lot less severe than a break. It took about four-five days for full neck mobility to recover.
My younger horseplay days seemed to injure others more than me. Two very achy backs (Boston Crab-assisted) was about the worst stuff I inflicted though. Call me as safe as Honky in the ring, WITHOUT a guitar.
Change it to... what?
ReplyDeleteThat same thing has happened to me, but it hurt bad immediately. Mood killer.
ReplyDeleteAnd the one no one gives a shit about is actually more important in the long run.
ReplyDeleteOklahoma? Because of the natural gas?
ReplyDeleteI agree with Krispy.
ReplyDeleteThink of the savings. Canada will no longer need a military.
ReplyDeleteI broke my penis between Tessmachers ass cheeks a few months ago.
ReplyDeleteAlong a similar vein, I had to be recircumcised at 26. When I was born not enough was taken off and later in life I developed a skin bridge. There are few places I want 18 stitches LESS than in my doodle.
ReplyDeleteI know a guy who hadn't been circumcised at birth and, for medical reasons that I don't know the exact specifics of, had to have it done in his teens.
ReplyDeleteHe remembers it quite well.
Your avatar is very disturbing
ReplyDeleteIt hurts, but after the first few days it's not too bad. The real bitch of it is that if you get hard it pulls the stitches and it hurts. Well, guess what happens involuntarily about six times while you're sleeping? That along with the fact that you can't relieve yourself or work out for a while is really, really frustrating.
ReplyDeleteI havent seen it or its derivative, blog botters, in a few days. I think it might be dead. Hallelujah!!
ReplyDeleteThe back was eventually more painful over a longer period of time and was far more debilitating, but it wasn't really bad until a few hours after it happened. I always thought that was weird. The pain with the elbow was FUCKING IMMEDIATE and really intense. And, to be honest, I am a giant baby when it comes to pain. That shit hurts. :-)
ReplyDeleteI dont really have any bad injury stories, but heres one from ER thatll make you squirm.
ReplyDeleteDuring my first residency rounds doing trauma, this dude in his mid 50s walks. He liked to tie a string to a lightbulb, shove it up his ass, then pull it out, just for kicks. Complete freak. He had gotten the bulb stuck up his butt, so came in the ER to get it removed. As the advising doctor is talking to me and another resident we hear screams from behind the curtain. Walking in we see him laying down in blood, starting to go into shock, as the lightbulb had shattered still entrenched in his ass.
I used to pop my shoulder out of the socket from not training properly. One day it happened with I was lifting. Not pretty.
ReplyDeleteScott, do you ever worry that something will happen and the Marxist Canadian government will send you to a death panel? Just asking.
ReplyDeleteLast year, I had 24 staples in my head from surgery (skin cancer sucks monkeyfuck) and decided to play goalie for our soccer team anyways. I wore a bandanna over my head to try to keep everything covered up so the ref wouldn't see this giant bandage on my forehead. About 5 minutes left in the game and I slid out to stop a shot and got kneed right in that spot, popping about 5 of the staples and causing the beloved crimson mask to appear on the pitch.
ReplyDeleteGood times, and my scar now looks like something that belongs on Dusty's forehead.
Dougie won a Blog Otter award in this very thread Dude.
ReplyDeleteHow exactly is Oklahoma more important then the most populated area in the USA?
ReplyDeleteSo she did or didn't know you did it fucking your girl friend...?
ReplyDeleteof course she knew. She's not an idiot. I can't remember what ridiculous reason I used, but I'm sure it was probably pretty see through.
ReplyDeleteI have that one... don't remember anything "SHOCKING!" in it though.
ReplyDeleteMight need to rewatch.
It's roughly 1% important. Still 1% more than New York.
ReplyDeleteTie between having a piece of metal sticking out my arm from an IED and slicing my left wrist to death after putting my hand thru a window
ReplyDeleteOuch. I made a joke about this before reading your story, not actually thinking this really happens
ReplyDeleteThose IEDs are brutal. I was with a friend and we were driving through an area with some construction in Massachusetts and there were some wires running across the ground and he sort of freaked out. Every time i see similar wires I think "IED"
ReplyDeleteIt does. And 13 years later, my wife is still afraid she is going to do it again.
ReplyDelete1 guy, 1 cup.
ReplyDeleteYea it'll mess with your mind like that
ReplyDeleteI didn't want to use a picture of myself, so I photoshopped in someone else's body.
ReplyDeleteHa. Great story. Feel you could manipulate this situtaion into her giving you oral sex, essentially anytime.
ReplyDeleteHA
ReplyDeleteThe words "wife" and "blowjob" go together like "Kunta Kinte" and "Merle Haggard concert."
ReplyDelete"I found that pen for Carla in the lost and found box!"
ReplyDelete"Ain't no lost and found box! There's an ass box, but ain't no lost and found box!"
ughhh would be miserable during working out
ReplyDeleteOver my head man
ReplyDeleteThere is a Scrubs fan somewhere that will upvote that.
ReplyDeleteTHAT DIDNT HAPPEN
ReplyDeleteAre we talking improvised explosive devices here?
ReplyDeleteThe stock market disagrees with you.
ReplyDeleteYea, I meant more as the introductory "morning blog botters..." type of thing.
ReplyDeleteMeekin, if we can come up with something then better then "blog otters/botters" can we permanently kill that phrase?
ReplyDeleteThis thread is crazy. I guess I'm with Beardmoney in being lucky with injuries. I broke my hand during 7th grade football. Certainly not as interesting as being blown up in war or breaking my dick.
ReplyDeleteYessir.
ReplyDeleteI nominate "Scott's Tots"
ReplyDeleteOkay... How?
ReplyDeleteI just learned to play darts over here in Afghanistan and I must say, I AM HOOKED!
I am totally getting a dartboard when i go home.
Im sure I will never use it though because of having a PS4. I will just look at it and remember playing cricket, 501 and Golf.
Telling us your exploits about your 8th grade Math teacher Mr. Tessmacher isn't going to get you out of curtain-jerking the BoD.
ReplyDeleteyup
ReplyDeleteI like Obi-Wan Jabronis.
ReplyDeletestop downvoting me, buttcrack
ReplyDeleteshoulda done cat-bo
ReplyDeletei see what you did there
ReplyDeleteTessmacher.
ReplyDeletei can pop my tailbone
ReplyDeleteNothing about it was entertaining.
ReplyDeleteI have a plan for that. It involves charity.
ReplyDeleteIt makes Scott sound like a pedo.
ReplyDeleteAbout 13 years ago, me and a guy at work had "friendly" rivalry over who had the sharper box cutter. Silly I know. So one day i sort of held it up and jokingly proclaimed it was the sharpest knife in the world...and the guy tried to knock my knife out of my hand with his...and he missed badly. He got me right on the base of my thumb...and i was a bleeder. Blood was literally pouring out of my wound like a tap. I ended up with 12 stitches and a jagged scar. It still feels weird if i bang it on a desk or something or if i rub it against beard stubble.
ReplyDeleteA friend of my brother lost both his legs to an IED.
ReplyDeleteSame thing happened to me once.
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine had a trampoline when we were kids and I got the bright idea to try and 450 from the trampoline to her pool. Came up about 2 feet short and smacked my head on the edge. It sounded like a gunshot and I was at about.7 Muta. Good thing her mom is a nurse.
ReplyDeleteI drove an ice cream truck when I was a teenager. I was playing around on it and slipped. Dislocated my knee. Top part of the leg went that way and the bottom part of the leg went the other way. Paramedics came and snapped it back into place.
ReplyDeleteI really wonder what Statler and Waldorff would have to say about that.
ReplyDeleteSo she married you out of pity? Kind of like the start to an X-rated Back To The Future spoof.
ReplyDeleteIm sorry about your injury but this is the first thing i thought of.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9aqrAngmvE
Sucks to hear, happens all too often
ReplyDelete