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The SmarK RAW Rant–11.25.13

The SmarK RAW Rant – 11.25.13

Live from Long Island, NY

Your hosts are Michael Cole, JBL & Jerry Lawler

So my pre-show rant for the day: I feel like this company has fallen into living out The Bridge on the River Kwai with this Authority deal. They’re all about “telling stories”, but they have literally ONE (1) story they’re telling, which is “HHH and Stephanie are bad people and Vince returns to get revenge at Wrestlemania.” Except Vince was never betrayed or wronged by them on TV, he just kind of disappeared. And they don’t actually know what match is being built to. And they don’t know how they’re getting to that match. And they don’t know when Vince is coming back or why. But BY GOD, the storyline that people have craved for a year is FUCKING VINCE MCMAHON V. COO HHH and if fans chant for Daniel Bryan it just means we’re in “bizarroworld” or it’s a smark-heavy city or the football game was big competition or it’s a holiday show and we just don’t understand how important it is to have 5 (five) authority figures running RAW every week to build to the incredibly important, once-in-a-lifetime HHH v. Vince showdown that we already saw twice in 1999. And now that we’ve burned through all the possible World title contenders (Ziggler, Bryan, Big Show, Kane, Del Rio, Punk, Ryback, Henry) and there’s literally nothing left to fill time until YOU WILL GET HHH V. VINCE AND FUCKING LIKE IT, now we get a “title v. title” ladder match between Orton and Cena after four straight months of screwjob finishes in PPV main events, because there’s no one else left to main event. And even then they can’t call it a unification match, because they’re compelled to screwjob that up as well because it doesn’t matter until we get to HHH v. Vince, which you will FUCKING LIKE OR FUCK YOU, which is the most importantest thing in the history of sports entertainment. For some reason.

But maybe that’s just me.

Randy Orton joins us to start, and oh boy, there’s gonna be some talking. So Orton brings out HHH & Steph, and they couldn’t be more proud. Orton, as usual, is annoyed with them, because that’s his character motivation given to him on a napkin before the show started this week. The fans chant “Daniel Bryan” and turn on the segment before it even gets going. Orton goes on and on about how great he is, but John Cena interrupts because that’s exactly what this show needed. Do they even realize what a self-parody they’ve become? People complaining about the same guys getting pushed all the time, so we get Cena and Orton both carrying belts around and fighting each other. Cena’s theory about why fans chant for Bryan: They’re sick of “administrative BS”. Alternative theory: They want to see Bryan. So anyway, HHH makes Orton v. Cena for TLC in a TLC match with both titles on the line. With three weeks of buildup. On the December PPV. And of course, once that match has been made between the two biggest champions in wrestling to supposedly unify the belts, it’s HHH’s music that plays to end the segment. HOLY SHIT could they make me any more pissed off to start this show?

The Shield v. Cody Rhodes, Goldust & Rey Mysterio

Goldust quickly gets cut off and worked over in the heel corner, but he catapults Ambrose over the top, only to fall victim to a series of increasingly cartoonish hard luck frustrations while trying to tag. Some days you just can’t get rid of a bomb. And we take a break. Back with poor Dustin FINALLY getting the hot tag to Rey. Rollins escapes the 619, but Cody comes in and hits Ambrose with the whiplash slam for two. Reigns destroys both Goldust and Rey with spears, leaving Ambrose to finish Cody with the bulldog driver at 9:49. I like how they’re dispensing with pretense and just having Goldust go out and start getting the heat right away. **1/2

MizTV, with Titus O’Neil dressed up as Michael Strahan even though he’s supposed to be a babyface now, which goes off the cliff really quickly. This brings out the real Strahan, and he’s here to make a crappy tag match for the main event tonight. Because god knows we didn’t already have enough people making matches on this show. Wow! Take four guys in a program and randomly stick them together! Props to the crowd for booing ALL FOUR GUYS. Truly a slow clap is deserved for that one. And then this somehow gets WORSE, as Strahan bickers with Miz over who can do a hiptoss, and then they do some hiptosses on each other, and everyone dances together to end the horrible segment because they’re having FUN and WWE is so much FUN and stuff. Holy god this was bad. I don’t even know if Miz is supposed to be a face or a heel at this point.

Big E Langston & Mark Henry v. Ryback & Curtis Axel

Big E gets worked over in the Not-Heyman corner, but fights out of a Ryback chinlock and makes the hot tag to Henry, who is now a smiling babyface again after failing to destroy Cena. He finishes Axel quickly with a JYD tribute and Strongest Slam at 2:28.

Hamptons Hardcore Match: Damien Sandow v. Dolph Ziggler

Why are these two even feuding? So they brawl around ringside doing silly garbage wrestling while the announcers are like “Oh man, this is just like the Attitude era, all you stupid jaded fans who keep wanting it back!” We take a break and return with literal garbage brawling, until Dolph turns the tide with the faithful fire extinguisher spray to the face. Fameasser gets two as this drags on and on going nowhere. The crowd takes the opportunity to turn on the show again, chanting for Randy Savage and then booing security for harassing the guy DRESSED as Randy Savage. And this is the match THEY LEFT IN THE SHOW!! Much like the crowd I stopped paying attention to the match two or three chants ago. Sandow mercifully ends it with Uncle Slam onto a garbage can at 12:32. Time to read the writing on the wall, Dolph. Do like Morrison and go pursue your acting dreams for a while, or whatever Zack Ryder did once he left WWE. ½*

Daniel Bryan & CM Punk join us for some meta-humor (“Is it completely weird that we all have our own microphones and Renee Young isn’t asking us any questions?”) and we get Colt Cabana’s name dropped IN THIS VERY RING. Nice to see SOMEONE having fun tonight. Is it too much to hope that Renee becomes the Elizabeth for the IndyPowers before they explode? Because she’d be awesome at it.

Daniel Bryan & CM Punk v. The Wyatt Family

Harper gets caught in the babyface corner and worked over, but Bryan gets nailed by Bray and beat up. Over to Punk, who dumps Rowan and hits him with the knee into the railing. Back in for the Macho Elbow, which gets two. Sadly, he stops to gloat and gets tossed out of the ring and, say it with me, we take a break. Back with Punk getting worked over in a lengthy heat segment, and after the hot tag to Bryan we get one of my all-time least favorite finishes, with the referee calling for the bell due to the heels kicking too much ass at 15:00. Match was fine, but the finish was lazy and stupid. **1/4 Bryan gets kidnapped by the Wyatts, and then Punk is randomly speared by Reigns and powerbombed by the Shield. And so our heroes go their separate ways, I guess? Talk about throwing shit at a wall.

Meanwhile, Cena jokes around with Strahan while the Wyatts KIDNAP HIS FUTURE BROTHER-IN-LAW. What an ass.

John Cena & Big Show v. Randy Orton & Alberto Del Rio

I bet Show feels stupid for dropping that lawsuit now. Show dominates Orton and chokes him out on the ropes as we take a break. OH MY GOD could this show get any more cookie cutter? Back from a break and I don’t even give a shit anymore while I’m told I’m supposed to get excited about watching the 14-time World champion face the 11-time World champion to determine who will get to hold all the World titles at the same time. Oh, and now Big Show has a concussion or something. Hopefully it’ll be one of those HHH concussions where he just shakes it off by the next week, rather than a Ziggler concussion where they blame him for it and destroy all his momentum before turning him into a jobber. Speaking of which, Cena taps Del Rio with the STF at 18:00 to end this. The doctor, meanwhile, is checking on Show for possible career-threatening head injury, but Cena has to keep going and win the match himself anyway. Orton lays him out and holds up both belts, which Cole notes “is symbolic of what might happen.” YOU THINK? THANKS FOR EXPLAINING THAT DEEP SYMBOLISM FOR ME! Because apparently I’m stupid.

The Pulse

THIS WAS WHAT THEY DIDN’T CUT OUT OF THE SHOW THIS WEEK!

Comments

  1. Oh man, you mean they cut out that epic 7-on-7 Survivor Series Divas rematch? How could they leave off such a classic?

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  2. Doesn't seem to be doing him a lot of good right now.

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  3. Where is JR when you need him? He'd have about eight heart attacks putting this team over on commentary.

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  4. Sounds awful. While fast forwarding I noticed they booked a divas survivor series rematch so at least they cut that out

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  5. Also there was nothing on raw more entertaining than this review!

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  6. Also, a depressing reminder of where this company's priorities are. They couldn't show the Miz/Kofi rematch or the Xavier Woods match, because they ABSOLUTELY HAD TO HAVE THE STRAHAN SEGMENT! Fuck that "wrestling" shit.

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  7. As I watching live, I realized this could be the special episode that would bring back to old Scott Keith.

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  8. Until the inevitable divorce involving at least one of them.

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  9. I hope the crowds keep actively shitty on the bad stuff. Not just "don't cheer" but boo entire segments that suck, chant random wrestler names during boring matches, and other such interesting behaviors. Maybe a few "this is boring" chants when HHH is out running his mouth and the WWE will start to get the hint. I doubt it though.

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  10. At that point, their solution is going to be hitting softball crowds that will cheer anything.

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  11. IndyPowers - LOVE IT

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  12. ARRRRGH THE BARBARIANNovember 26, 2013 at 11:16 AM

    Not to mention given Cena's track-record he'll ditch her for slampigs on the road

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  13. The more it starts to happen, the less then can blame on the "international" crowds post-WM.

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  14. Yesterday as in at the PPV, you know the show that people presumably paid $60 to see, instead of at the free show

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  15. I can kinda understand why Bryan isn't still main eventing if business was really not doing well during his big chase, but why the hell is Punk stuck in this crummy nonsense? He is 1000 times better than Orton at every aspect of THIS BUSINESS, so why isn't he feuding at the top?

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  16. Scott... what you saw via Hulu was actually somewhere between 11 and 30 times better than Raw in it's uncut three hours of fun. Keep that in mind.

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  17. Probably in the contract for his appearance.

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  18. If this had been a full three hours... oh yes, Hot Pokers would have been flying up asses at supersonic speeds.

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  19. Scott's in rare form with this rant. I love it.


    Still can't bring myself to watch the show. I keep reading the rants & recaps hoping to find anything that resembles a logical, entertaining main event storyline, but nope. I really don't understand what they're snorting to make them think that Cena-Orton Pt. 3,218 in a unification match at the December PPV made any kind of sense.

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  20. This was seriously one of the absolute WORST episodes of "Raw" in the show's history.


    Nobody gives a shit about another Cena/Orton match, and trying to build to a big champion-vs.-champion match in three weeks at their, like, tenth most important PPV of the year really shows how creatively bankrupt the company is at the moment. Plus, it's nice to see Cena booked as the "white hat" babyface who stands up for the way Bryan was mistreated, without actually bothering to offer Bryan a title-shot. WTF? Trips and Steph constantly fluctuating in their roles and allegiances is awful, too.


    We got rematches of pretty much the ENTIRE "Survivor Series" card, which is just such a gigantic "Fuck You!" to anybody that paid for the show that I really think those people all deserve refunds. I mean, it's fairly common to have a rematch or two the next night, but not EVERYTHING. The two title matches were combined into a tag match, Punk-Bryan/Wyatts was basically the same, the 10-man became a 6-man featuring the most important participants, the Divas and Kofi/Miz were actual rematches, and Langston/Axel and Henry/Ryback were combined into a tag match. It was literally the EXACT SAME FUCKING SHOW, minus The Usos and The "Real Americans".


    The Strahan segments were absolutely cringe-worthy, especially the "Miz TV" one. What a garbled mess of a segment, with heel Miz palling around with Strahan, face Titus working with Miz and making fun of the celebrity (and then dancing with him afterwards), and tons of lame jokes and dead air. I also don't like the idea of Rowan appearing in a comedy segment (there shouldn't be anything comedic about The Wyatts), but that's probably just me.

    I'm actually not against the idea of a "concussion" story-line, and think that Show is one of the best actors on the roster and would do a good job pulling it off. The problem, though, is that we JUST saw this six months ago, and it went absolutely nowhere. Who wants to bet that this angle leads to some sort of "brain damage" (or, more PC, being "foggy" or "cloudy"), leading to another heel-turn?


    Bryan gets kidnapped by the Wyatts, and his fiance (both in real-life AND kayfabe) is more concerned with getting Strahan's autograph.

    Seriously, the ONLY highlight of the entire show was Lawler going completely speechless when speaking to "The Kosher Butcher". I rewound that and watched Lawler's reaction a few times. Seems about right that the only entertaining moment of the night was not actually conceived by the company. Legitimate laugh-out-loud moment there. The fans chanting "circumcision" afterwards was fantastic, too.

    I'm not usually a "hater". I'm not the type of fan that says "I'm done, I'm never watching again". I'll be back next week, just like I always am, probably looking for the positive and feeling that others are overly negative. But I really wouldn't be surprised if this particular show was the final nail in the coffin for some people - it really was just that terrible. Worst episode since the "Nexus" debut (the one where the "A-Team" was searching for Lawler's stolen crown), but at least that had the awesome "Nexus" debut at the very end to somewhat save the previous 95% of the show.

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  21. It needs to be more than that. I sincerely hope we reach the day when either the vast majority of or at least a really noticable chunk of the crowd gets up and walks out. Doubt it will ever happen given all the families that go just for a fun night with the kids now, but if anything would send a message, it'd be that.

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  22. Tessmacher gives her run for her money. But if we're talking not too big, not too small, and just thick enough you want to sink your teeth into, Layla wins it for me. But my heart still belongs to AJ.

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  23. Things can happen. Part of what helped Foley get over was online folks bringing "FOLEY IS GOD" signs to WWE events.

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  24. Like every intelligent, informed mind should really feel.

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  25. AJ for sure gets the prize for best overall appearance (and best overall for that matter) I give her the silver in the ass category behind Brooke with Layla taking the Bronze

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  26. :: Sigh ::


    If you INSIST

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  27. Because they don't book things for us, they book for themselves. They write stories for themselves, they push or bury who they want for their own personal politics...they got rid of the competition and like a lazy complacent emperor are just sitting on top of their heap staring into their own navels. That's really all it is.

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  28. I have a feeling that our made up awards during a possible slammy thread would be much more entertaining than the actual show based on our dissertations and arguments over inane matters such as these.


    Isn't it about time you just got MOD status and ran amuck on this site anyway?

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  29. Never said unification match. Just both titles will be up there hanging.


    My theory - both men climb, each grab one title. Audience: fucked again.

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  30. I doubt Langston and Henry will be an actual team, especially with Langston as the IC Champ - I think it was just a "combine feuds for a TV match" kind of thing.

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  31. I love how they never said its a unification bout.


    That probably means both titles hang, both guys climb at the same time and grab one belt, leading to about four more Cena/Orton matches before its decided and Vince laughs in everyone's faces again.

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  32. This company will probably still be running Orton-Cena in 10 years.

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  33. Well as a content creator I would be very unfocused... like "Your thoughts on topic X that is on my mind... and go!"

    And as a mod there would be very little point because I don't believe in banning people unless they are outright attacking people for no reason (like Chin was) or spamming backlinks and shit which you rarely ever see on disqus sites.

    I appreciate your support though and should I choose to mount a campaign I am glad to know I can count on your endorsement.

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  34. I think I'll go watch Bridge on the River Kwai than watch a second of this week's Raw. Way to stick it to the paying customers who bought Survivor Series. Every match featured was somehow recycled through straight up rematches or "singles guys teaming up for a common purpose" crap.

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  35. Its 14 years and they are still running HHH/Big Show. I wouldnt put it past them.

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  36. You are sadly right but if I happened to be paying for the December pay-per-view and that was the finish I'd be pissed.

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  37. Yep... gotta get the "MAIN" title (WWE) back on Cena ASAP. God forbid he tries to make the WHC worth anything more than a bucket of clean piss.


    The booking since Summerslam has been the textbook definition of "self-fulfilling prophecy".

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  38. Knowing something like the full extent of Michaels' cuntiness now, I think it's really obvious Shawn was trying to sabotage that match at the DX pay per view as much as he possibly could to make Shammyleather look bad. I mean really, Shawn busting out rest holds in a match which runs less than 20 minutes?

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  39. Downloading Austin's podcast right now to take on my U-Haul drive to Buttshit, Wyoming tomorrow morning, are there any Keller or Meltzer podcasts that are can't miss that I should check out while I'm at it?

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  40. Porn-Peddling Jef VinsonNovember 26, 2013 at 1:15 PM

    I think this is worth of a blog discussion..or QotD..or a poll question..or whatever excuse it will give me to stare at chicks asses all day.

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  41. Petuka did nominate me to be a mod... and we haven't had a QOTD in a while... and the last one was predicting if someone would become a baby killer...

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  42. Porn-Peddling Jef VinsonNovember 26, 2013 at 1:30 PM

    Stop downvoting me, Ripnet Cabbit. I told you I'd try to get you that Spanky .gif.

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