Skip to main content

The SmarK RAW Rant–01.06.14

The SmarK RAW Rant – 01.06.14

Live from Baltimore, MD

Your hosts are Michael Cole & JBL

Xavier Woods does the Hulu intro this week, which is funny because he’s been cut out of every Hulu edition thus far.

Ric Flair joins us to start, with no real point. Randy Orton interrupts and he’s the man now blah blah blah, which Flair is a bit offended by. He thinks Orton should stop whining and just wrestle Cena already. Also he kind of thinks Orton might not be much of a man. Orton threatens something, but thankfully John Cena is there to save the 21-time World champion from having to defend himself. Orton runs away and there’s your thrilling issue for the rematch.

Last week: Daniel Bryan joins the Wyatt Family, supposedly because Vince decided on a whim to do it and no one stood up to him. But yeah, they could still be saving up the big payoff to justify the whole thing, sure…

Rey Mysterio & The Usos v. The Wyatt Family

Tag ropes! Harper slugs an Uso down, and Bryan comes in to beat on Rey with knees, which the fans are not into. Bryan gets dumped and we take a break. Back with Bryan throwing kicks in the corner on an Uso while they scroll the fake celebrity tweets, but Jey superkicks Rowan and makes the hot tag to Mysterio. 619 sets up a flying splash, but Rowan moves and brings Harper in. Jimmy quickly rolls him up for the pin at 9:00. Quite the start for Daniel Wyatt. **

Meanwhile, Libertarian Kane offers some diplomatically-phrased words of threat to Brad Maddox. What a weird character.

Meanwhile, Big E wanders the halls and runs into a variety of weirdos.

Big E Langston v. Curtis Axel

Big E gets a pair of backbreakers, but Axel pounds away in the corner and goes to a chinlock. The announcers and Ryback have a completely inane conversation. Axel gets a fluke rollup for two, but E quickly finishes him at 2:40. ½* So I guess Langston v. Ryback is the next program to not care about.

Meanwhile, Daniel Bryan wants to contribute to the family and teach them how to be tag champions, so next week he’ll team with Bray Wyatt. But I thought he was joining because he was beaten down and didn’t want to fight anymore? Maybe he’s just a big fan of Duke The Dumpster Droese.

Piper’s Pit with the Shield. Dean Ambrose is immediately hilarious, asking who gave the 112-year old man a microphone so he can ramble endlessly. Piper notes that only Punk can match him on the mic, which has Ambrose all twitched-out. Piper gets in Roman’s face, which has the beatdown imminent, but Punk and the New Age Outlaws save in a thoroughly random pairing.

The Great Khali v. Damien Sandow

Special referee tonight: Sgt. Slaughter, via app vote. Khali throws chops but gets stomped down in the corner, then comes back with the big chop to finish at 1:50. So I guess Ranjin Singh at ringside was a motivator for him. DUD Sandow of course takes the cobra clutch. Now obviously Backlund would have chicken-winged him had he won the vote, but what would Arn have done? Given him a spinebuster?

Brock Lesnar is out for his weekly declaration of awesomeness. All shall kneel before the Viking Space Lord and he’s taking the World title, and this brings out Mark Henry for another try. This goes even worse for him, as this time Brock breaks his arm with a kimura. This brings out Big Show, and Brock runs away.

Rikishi & Too Cool v. 3MB

FINALLY some legends from the Attitude era. Sexay gets a missile dropkick and bulldog out of the corner, and Scotty comes in for the double elbow. Drew misses a charge and we get the first Worm in 14 years, but McIntyre boots him down right after. 3MB works him over and Jinder gets two, but it’s hot tag Rikishi. Superkick on Jinder gets two, and he fights off 3MB, and sits on Jinder to finish at 5:24. Scotty looked like he was having the time of his life in there. See, now this is what I want to see from these shows now, not the same legends trotted out year after year. *1/2

Mean Gene joins us with a HOTLINE UPDATE, although that one kind of went over the heads of the crowd. And he introduces the New Age Outlaws, who in turn introduce CM Punk for the main event.

CM Punk v. Roman Reigns

Punk works a headlock, but gets powered down as we take a break. Back with Reigns hitting a suplex for two and dropping an elbow. Reigns goes to a bearhug for a while, but Punk fights back with kicks and a neckbreaker for two. Running knee gets two. He goes up and Reigns tries for a superplex, but Punk puts him down for a Macho elbow. The Shield disposes of the Outlaws at ringside, allowing Reigns to hit Punk with the superman punch for two. Punk dodges the spear and rolls him up for two, and then lays him out with a high kick for two. GTS is blocked, so Punk gets the running knee, only to walk into the spear at 15:49. Dull start, good finish. **3/4 The Shield goes in for the kill, but Jake Roberts returns from the dead to make the save. Punk hits Ambrose with the GTS and Jake gives him the Damian treatment (which has Ambrose smiling like a little kid even though he’s unconscious) to end the show. I was kind of hoping they’d save Jake for the Rumble, but it was good to see him looking well again.

The Pulse

The dead crowd killed a lot of show, but this was still a lot of fun for the most part. It kind of highlights how the promotion is going nowhere for the past few months with a third placeholder episode in a row, but hopefully the Network announcement on Wednesday will light a fire under Vince’s ass again.


  1. Unfortunately, yes. Even Scott tired of his BS.

  2. Apparently Ziggler suffered a concussion last night

  3. I defended the Bryan/Wyatt development last week, but that was a pretty lame beginning. I don't mind that he wants to be tag team champion again, but the whole thing feels pretty random.

  4. I really liked this show. The ending was cool as hell even with Ambrose smiling and Jake looked better than his return in 96. Loved the Too Cool segment, even liked Ryback as the biggest dick in the work on commentary except for the out of place diss to Lillian and I actually like a power vs power feud for the IC belt. The Brock segment was good. JBL as Vince was fun except maybe not played up as much as I would have liked. And I enjoyed the Brian in Wyatt Family stuff as it seems hell either become the teachers pet or take over or try to at least.

  5. I actually didn't mind Ryback on commentary, pointless rib at Lilian Garcia aside. It was a solid attempt to give him a discernable personality other than "abuses people with food."

  6. Don't blame the crowd. Blame the WWE. They gave them crap for 3 hours (with the possibly exception of the Worm). It's not on the fans to always be hot. WWE needs to get them there. Show was a whole bunch of nothing until Jake,

  7. Yeah, I saw the BEGONE comment.

  8. So Lesnar could spear him through the barricade before the F5.

    It's also possible Lesnar was supposed to put him through the announce table, but after picking Henry up realized he'd forgotten to remove the monitors and hit the floor instead.


Post a Comment