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Recap - Legends House: Episode 2

I was thinking before I sat down and wrote this, "I wonder why WWE doesn't follow the Netflix model and allow you to sit and binge watch the entire season, instead of having to wait a week between episodes."  Then I realized, that, deep down, the WWE really does love its fans.  That's why.  Let's do this shit show.

There's a "Previously on...", where they would show the highlights, if there were any, of last week's episode.  It's a whole bunch of nothing, so, to be fair, they did.  And now there's an actual reality show style intro, complete with Tony Atlas laughing like a donkey, Mean Gene saying "Holy Balls", and Pat Patterson hitting a golf ball poorly.

We open with Roddy wandering in the dark.  He's been out there a full week?  He talks about trying to deal with the house and says this is his "one last chance to clean up the negative stuff said about Roddy Piper.  To put him where he should be in the history of our business."  Hacksaw walks in to Roddy's bedroom as Roddy is laying on the bed and talks about them becoming good friends.  Roddy tells him about all the scenery he saw outside, like an empty lot.  Ok, hang on.  They just cut to Mean Gene and Pat talking in the kitchen, both dressed in all white. Pat is wearing a robe with sneakers, sunglasses on his head, and regular glasses tucked into the robe.  Great, now everyone's gonna start dressing like that.  Pat asks, "Does Roddy have a problem?", and Gene answers, "I hope not."  This is truly gripping stuff.  Roddy's voiceover says it's hard for him to close his eyes, and then they show a bunch of Roddy highlights where he screams and hits people and things with other things.  Then it's the morning and he's in the pool and fights the water.  Like, actually fights it.  It's weird.

Now it's apparently morning again, as they re-establish the time by showing the sun coming up.  The guys are sleeping.  And they show it.  I guess the snoring is funny to them.  Yep, as Jimmy comments on the snoring and how it's hard for him to sleep.  Now fucking circus music plays as they show a fucking montage of the fucking maid cleaning.  Let me reiterate, please.  They are showing a montage of cleaning.  Oh, here's the payoff.  Hillbilly Jim was asleep and then was only slightly disturbed from his sleep because the maid had to vacuum.  My sides.  But she has a foreign accent, so that's funny.  And why in the living fuck would the maid have to come and clean on day TWO of them being there?  I don't know.  Maybe I'm having trouble following the timeline on this.  Anyway, it's hilarious.  You know, how Hillbilly Jim was spoken to by someone.  Hilarious.  He goes back to sleep.  I'm envious.

Now, to really kick this into high gear, Tony Atlas is drawing a picture of a photo of his wife, and we're watching a video of him drawing a picture of a photo.  Jimmy talks about how Tony is really nice but is starting to rub everyone the wrong way.  He talks about the "heat" between Hacksaw and Tony, which was absolutely nothing.  And then they show it again.  I guess they're building tension for something crazy that's going to happen later.  And sure enough, Hacksaw says if Tony has something to say to him, he can say it to his face.  Oh shit!  This is gonna be gre...wait, they buried the hatchet.  They talk about how everything's fine.  Thank fucking God.

Now there's an adorable bit about how much Hacksaw and Roddy love each other, as Hacksaw steals the dumbest dumb shit joke award from Mean Gene by putting his head on Roddy's shoulder and says something about being a two headed monster or something.  Don't worry, Gene, there's still plenty of show left.  And now I feel bad because they're talking about how they're both cancer survivors, and how much they have in common.  Hacksaw says, "He's been with his wife 29 years, I've been with his wife 27."  How I wish that's what he actually said.  Hacksaw also, interestingly, pluralizes "life" as "lifes".  Maybe bad pluralization is a wrestler thing.  Jimmy Hart waves his underwear and which leads to a dirty underwear joke as Ashley enters.

She has exciting news.  They've been invited to play a polo match.  Tony Atlas is so flabbergasted by the idea of them doing something, that he remarks, "Right then and there, I thought that girl had three heads."  I make a boob joke to myself.   She then goes on to say they will be broken into two teams of four.  The Red team will be captained by Hillbilly Jim (which draws a round of applause from the guys, like he fucking accomplished something by being randomly chosen for a randomly chosen activity), and the Blue team is captained by "Hacksaw...Duggan".  I guess Ashley and Hacksaw are on a Nickname/Last name basis, but not the first name.  Roddy is picked first, which leads to Mean Gene saying how close him and Duggan are becoming, and Hacksaw hits me over the head with a 2x4 of how him and Roddy are becoming good friends, and he wants to see him after this is over.  I swear to God, they've mentioned this multiple times.  I get it.  Hacksaw loves Roddy.  They want to be in each other's lifes.   HBJ (which is what I'm calling him now) drafts Jimmy Hart, and then they cut to him saying "Mouth of the South Jimmy Hart?  It doesn't get no better!".  If you say so.  Mean Gene says balls again.  Tony says he's never been on a horse in his life, and if one comes near him, he'll hit it.  Now all the guys talk about Tony being scared of horses.  Sigh.

So they get to the Polo (field? court?) area, and, I'll be honest, it's pretty fucking crazy.  Dudes zipping around on horses hitting stuff.  I'd probably be kinda scared too.  Tony mentions that he has a bit of trepidation.  First I've heard of it.  Ashley shows up and Tony barks at her.  She introduces a polo (player?) guy.  And IT'S A SWERVE!  They're gonna play on golf carts.  It was kinda cute, actually.  Hacksaw says he knew all along.  Mmmhmm.  I'll be honest again,  the fact that they are not on horses completely sapped what little excitement I did have for this segment.  Now it's just guys in golf carts.  Jimmy scores first, and they show clips of him celebrating in the ring.  I'm really sorry if anyone was counting on me to provide play by play for the big polo match, but it's actually nothing at all.  I mean, there's stuff going on, but if you were told that there were 6 WWE superstars playing golf cart polo, that's way more excitement than seeing them actually doing it.  So, just trust me.  Jimmy gets "angry"at some violation of the rules.  Tony says some dumb things making fun of Jimmy.  I think Tony is probably nice, and I would never say any of this to his face, but I'm not 100% sure he's all there.  Mean Gene says, "One thing I can't stand, is to be a part of anything contrived!  This is B.S."  Which, not bad, Gene!  I'm grading on a curve, but that was decent.  Ugh, they're still talking about this rules violation.  I've been a Red team fan since I was a little kid (my grandfather used to go see Red team matches when he first moved to this country), but I just can't get seem to get excited over this match.  Now they are doing a hilarious super fast speed black and white editing trick, and it's not fast enough, because they are still playing.  Now there's a tiebreaker, because I guess they were tied, and apparently the winners get something, or the losers don't get something, or what the fuck ever.  This is the longest thing that's ever happened to me.  Blue team won.  There.

They all sit down for dinner.  Mean Gene asks if Pat remembers his first match.  Hacksaw says "We've been here a week, I think we've heard everybody's stories."  A week?  I took a more fascinating and watchable shit in 10 minutes than a week's worth of footage from crazy old pro wrestlers?  And I guess they're just going around the table talking about their first matches.  Jimmy Hart confirms this.  Tony is annoyed (just like Hacksaw) that they are actually talking about something interesting, so of course, we see that Ashley has returned.  Ooh, now the Red team is gonna get their comeuppance!  I bet it's wacky as shit!  And she hands HBJ some boots and the losing team has to shovel horse shit.  Now they know how I feel.  They demean the poor guy who actually does this for a living - at least HBJ seems to be a good sport about it.  Pat steals the dumb shit dumb joke award away from Duggan with some dumb shit joke as they make fun of the guys who have to a job for probably an hour that people have to do 40+ hours a week.  Mean Gene doesn't like it.  Neither does Tony.  Jimmy mentions that it stinks, which is so very insightful.   Tony talks to a horse, and makes amends.  He literally apologizes to the horse, with words and everything.

Next morning. HBJ wears briefs.  They show Jimmy Hart after his shower fixing his hair, kinda like the opening scene in American Hustle.  It's just like watching someone doing their hair.  They intercut some classic Jimmy Hart moments.  And, that's a segment.

Jimmy (post hair) talks AGAIN about how over the coming weeks(!!! seriously?), there's going to be some times where someone rubs someone the wrong way.  You don't say?  Next you're going to tell me that Hacksaw and Roddy are friends, and Tony doesn't like horses.   Next is my very first genuine laugh, as Tony talks about how he went to get his IQ measured.  The doctor said, "Tony, I've got good news.  If your IQ was one point less, you'd be a banana."  Now it's kinda a series of Tony saying silly things, and Jimmy says, "After you spend ten minutes with Tony, it's kinda like a waste of ten minutes."  Sigh.  I know.  But now I feel sorta bad for making fun of him earlier, if he really, barely plus banana.  He seems nice enough, and he cares about kids, so that's cool.  Ha, second laugh, the editing cuts together Tony's shit into complete nonsense.  I would definitely watch an hour of that every week.  Tony compares himself to a laptop, because he's spontaneous, but at the same time, very knowledgeable.  I just went to Best Buy's website, and they don't even let you filter laptops by "amount of spontaneity", which is VERY important when choosing laptops.  Followed closely by "knowledgeable".  My computer sucks. 

Meanwhile Gene and Pat are talking about how Pat does karaoke.  Tony interrupts by saying he cleaned the toilet.  And more Tony weirdness.  I seriously love this.  I mean, I'd hate him if I had to deal with him, but he's a fascinating character.  So spontaneous like a laptop!

Now there's a really interesting bit where Roddy has slight trouble with the freezer.  I guess that's gonna be a recurring gag.  Roddy and kitchen appliances.  Fink says how he wants to get in shape, so he tries to at least do 25 laps around the tennis court.  Which, good for him, but that's really not a whole lot.  Roddy says "good for him", which is what I said.

Next morning (maybe) Ashley is back, and so is Pat's double glasses thing.  She invites the guys to the gym to be part of her workout.   The guys get to the gym and are SHOCKED that it's a female excersize class.  Tony is absolutely terrified, and says he's never been on a woman in his life, and if it comes near him, he'll hit it.  Maybe not really.  Some chick with hair leads the guys in a Zumba workout, and it's completely wacky how the guys can't do Zumba right.  Poor Fink appears to be really trying, and all of them seem to be really good sports about it.  Mean Gene and Pat quit early.  Ashley is pretty cute, actually.  Tony criticizes all the other guys for not being great at Zumba, but has praise for Hacksaw.  Ashley loves Fink's effort and Jimmy's hair.

Later that day, Pat and Mean Gene are cooking for the guys.  They don't know how to defrost meat, and Gene gets pissed that Jimmy points it out.  Jimmy likes to only eat baked potatoes and beans.  Pat says, "What is that, a potato?", and Gene says "Holy Balls!".  Fucking riveting.  So now I guess they're not cooking, because it was too hard.  And apparently didn't tell everyone that they weren't, so it's chaos.  Chaos-ish.  Jimmy informs Pat and Gene that they have heat for not cooking.  No one knows how to cook for themselves, and then Duggan comes up with the fucking revelation to call delivery.  Seriously, Roddy is blown the fuck away by how smart Hacksaw is to know that there is a thing called food delivery.  They get a GPS(?) to tell where the "nearest restaurant" is that can deliver.  Maybe they don't have phones, or whatever, but why would they have a GPS?  Whatever.  Tony is cooking chicken, and they can't get the GPS to work.  This is interminable.  Seriously, just fucking order a pizza.  Or cook the food.  So they're finally cooking food, and Roddy is appreciative.  Finkel talks about how the cooking was a strategy to diffuse something that could have split the group.  Or, you know, the cooking could have been for survival.  Because you have to eat sometimes.  What a bunch of chimps.  And we come full circle, as Tony and Hacksaw are cool, and buried the hatchet.  Which happened at the beginning of the show.  Like, there must be so many hatchets.  That's, mercifully, the end.



  1. So this show is bad?

    And yeah, Tony Atlas did enough drugs in his day to definitely get a pass on not being all there. Or even just there. Hell, he might be waiting for Abraham Washington to make a return.

  2. Surely this show is going to pick up in later episodes, right? >_>

    I mean, sure, they sat on the footage for two years, but that's not because no real network would go near it! It's because they wanted quality, interesting, original programming for when their network debuted! Ha! Haha!

  3. Wow this sounds like soul-crushingly bad TV. Well it is reality TV, which I hate in general. I'd much prefer to see all these guys just doing the old round table discussion about their careers and the biz. That's always interesting.

    On the other hand, if Piper were to say "Hey, it's Tony Atlas!" every time Tony entered a room, I'd wanna check that out!

  4. All kidding aside, I suppose the show is fine for what it is. But as
    you said, reality TV is Reality TV. In this case, it's really boring
    but generally harmless, with even a couple funny parts mixed in. I
    think the guys all seem nice enough, and it's also nice that WWE made
    this show, just for something different's sake. But it's way more
    enjoyable to watch in a snarky way than if you were looking to be
    genuinely entertained.

  5. Sounds like the same problem from the first episode: not so much horrible TV, just boring. Who knew I'd be advocating for artificial drama and scripting for reality TV.

  6. The only good thing about this show is Hillbilly Jim. But still, Hillbilly Jim is pretty great.

  7. There really hasn't been a whole lot of Hillbilly so far. Or maybe I just attribute a bunch of Hillbilly stuff to Hacksaw because they kinda look alike.

  8. Yeah, he's such a good guy that he doesn't really stir enough drama to be featured. But just knowing that he's there makes me happy.

  9. Hacksaw got his name shortened? Guess he's about to get a push.

  10. This review was far more entertaining than it had any right to be.

    Please keep doing them, your misery at experiencing this soul-draining program makes me laugh.

  11. I found myself enjoying the show last night because I was anticipating what this recap would say about it.

    This is my new favorite thing.

  12. Brian's recaps of this show are like Alan Moore taking DC's worst-selling book (Swamp Thing) and making world-class comics out of it.

  13. Mean Gene is the biggest pervert on this show, just listen to how he says Ashley, and he has to say it everytime she enters the room in a creepy tone. So I guess that old WCW gimmick of the dirty old man he had in the Russo era isnt too far off from his real personality. And yea how many days have they been in this house?? they kept saying over a week and it was the second show, and lastly where are the Pat Patterson gay jokes?? hes a good sport to be ribbed about that and not one mention of how hes the florence nightingale of the house.

  14. Pat Patterson gay jokes are rare or non-existent.

  15. If you think about it, Atlas got one of the first "Legends Deals" with the Saba Simba gimmick - which he has repeatedly thanked Vince for.

  16. Thanks! It's fun. I'm mean, not the watching. But There's something fun.

  17. That's quite the overly high praise. Thank you very much.

  18. Thanks man, I'll do them as long as Scott will have me.

  19. I alluded to it in the first episode recap, but honestly, he hasn't done anything funny enough to merit a comment.


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