Matt's Main Event Recap - 5/13/2014

It's that time again.

We'll either be watching an hour containing a rare, quality-booked Divas match capped off by an incredible Wyatt-Shield fight...or we'll get Midget Match #27, followed by Santino and Emma crapping Cute all over the ring with Rusev crushing Yoshi Tatsu for dessert.

All while we stare at Lana's ass which, let's face it, has more substance and skill than Rusev.

Join me, won't you?

Before we begin, I thought this was pretty funny.

My local team, the San Francisco Giants, had to place their 1st Baseman, Brandon Belt, on the Disabled List due to a broken thumb suffered during a Hit-By-Pitch in Los Angeles. They called up Tyler Colvin to take his place.

Long story short: Colvin hit his very first homer as a Giant last night. And what happened when he got back to the dugout?

He did the "YES" chant with teammates Michael Morse and Hunter Pence:

Over with the crowd -- no neck surgery needed.

It was apparently legit fandom on the part of Team Halloween. The boys on KNBR talked about it on the morning show. Colvin was stoked about doing and had discussed it with his mates before the game.

Wasn't that a better intro to the recap? No Small Person-bashing, no talking about how awful the Daniel Bryan situation has been...just baseball and Lana's ass.

Anyway, let's get movin'.

We are LIVE(!) from Greensboro, North Carolina, home of STARRCADE!!!

Byron Saxton & Tom Phillips are your guys on the mic.

Paul Heyman is Renee Young's Guest At This Time.

She mentions that Sheamus will wrestle Cesaro. And Heyman goes into BrockenRecord Lesnar Mode about breaking the Streak.

Sheamus shows up and gets in the ring and says, "How are ya', fella?" He says it's funny that Heyman likes to talk about who HE is. Now, he'll introduce himself: he's SHEAMUS and he's the United States Champion. And if Heyman doesn't leave in five seconds, he'll kick Heyman's face in.

Heyman whines, telling Sheamus he can't do that in front of a lady. So Sheamus asks Renee to leave the ring. Heyman protests and starts counting...1...2...Heyman tells Sheamus to just get it over with and kick him in the face. 3...Heyman says, "Do it". 4...Heyman runs outside the ring...and Cesaro shows up, grabs Sheamus and hits the Neutralizer. He sets up for the Cesaro Swing but Heyman tells Cesaro to back off. They walk up the ramp.

Heyman gets to the ramp and has a mic: his client, Cesaro, won the 1st Annual Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal at Wrestlemania...and he's the Main Event, which fits him.

NEXT: Dolph Ziggler will take on Damien Sandow who has become so unmemorable these days, I actually struggled to remember his name before I typed it.

We get a commercial for the WWE Network and how you can refer a friend to it and earn a free WWE Gift Card.

Sandow's on his way to ring. The good news is that he's NOT in the Magneto costume. The bad news is STILL that Sandow's on his way to the ring.

MATCH #1: Damien Sandow vs. Dolph Ziggler

Two weeks after the whole Hugh Jackman flap, we're still seeing clips of what happened on RAW like it's The Shield vs. Evolution. Sandow gets on the mic and tells everyone that he knows nobody cares about what he has to say. So, Ziggler's music hits because that's true. Sandow mocks the crowd, clapping. 

Bell rings and Sandow Gym Rolls at Ziggler like he's a fucking Droideka from The Phantom Menace. They lock up and Ziggler wraps him up from behind. Sandow breaks it and ends up getting drop-kicked for his troubles. Sandow ends up in the corner and Ziggler charges at him. Sandow moves and Ziggler ends up hitting the ring post, falling out of the ring. Sandow goes to get him, elbows him in the face, rolls him back in the ring and stomps him, telling the crowd they're welcome. Sandow puts Ziggler into the corner and charges but misses an elbow. The two trade shots and Sandow sends Ziggler into the another corner, punching away. 

The ref pulls him off of Ziggler and Sandow draws major heat. Ziggler escapes the corner and hits a flying clothesline, then his corner flurry followed by a neckbreaker, getting a two-count.Ziggler tries a Fame-Asser and misses. Sandow puts Ziggler into a modified version of the Scorpion Deathlock but Ziggler gets to the bottom rope to break it. Sandow stomps on Ziggler as the ref warns him again to back off. Sandow hits a Side Suplex but Ziggler counters, lands on his feet and hits a Zigg Zagg out of nowhere for the win at about 4:12.

WINNER: C+. This was all right. A longer match might have been better...though the question, "What if Sandow went about ten minutes in a match with Ziggler?" is, most likely, a question posed with the same enthusiastic spirit as "Should we have Santino replace Daniel Bryan as the new face of the company?"

We gets clips of the gigantic attempted beatdown from Raw where Evolution sent in their usual arbitrary 57 guys from the locker room to beat up The Shield because, apparently, they only align with Triple H when they're bored or the XBOX 360 broke backstage.

At Payback, it will be The Shield vs. Evolution.

STILL TO COME: Sheamus faces Cesaro.

Legends House is this Thursday...this week: Tony Atlas cooks pig's feet. And they SWIM! In a pool!

The WWE App wins the People's Voice Webby Award, beating out apps by Visa and Nike.

MATCH #2: Emma vs. Alicia Fox

Emma comes out to bubbles instead of pyro. That's new. Fox didn't quit, apparently, after her absolute meltdown on RAW. She grabs a mic, tells Emma she's surprised she showed up, and then throws it at her face, beating the shit out of Emma. The ref pulls her off of Emma repeatedly and finally rings the bell after Emma checks her nose for blood. Alicia hits a HUGE spinning backbreaker and then dumps Emma outside. She chases outside and throws Emma's head against the crowd barrier, getting a two count after rolling her back inside the ring. She uses Emma's hair to throw Emma to the mat. She tries to beat Emma in the corner but Emma hits a quick drop toehold and Fox smacks her own head into the buckle. Emma gets to her feet and tries to charge but ends up getting kicked in the face. Fox tosses her into the ropes but Emma short-arms and counters, rolling her up for a pin at 2:14.

WINNER: Emma via pinfall.

GRADE: D-. This was awful. Fox just makes it ten times worse.

Post-match, Fox tries to pull Emma back in to beat on her but Emma escapes and leaves. Fox yells at the crowd, then apologizes to the timekeeper she slapped on RAW. She approaches the announce table and beats on Saxton and Phillips, stomping on their announce table, ripping up paper and shoving it into their mouths, while screaming at them to "give her money". 

We're either being trolled by the WWE Creative staff right now or this is Vince's senility played out live.

Sheamus is walking backstage looking none to happy. Renee asks him about his condition. Sheamus simply replies that there won't be a match tonight...there's gonna be a fight.

Commercial for Wrestlemania XXX: THE HOME VIDEO.

Clips from last night where Bryan said he was having neck surgery, gracefully bowing out for a bit. Then the WWE saying "Fuck it", allowing Kane to make him look even weaker and exit the place in an ambulance.

Byron goes All Sad with Tom Phillips...and apparently, we're probably stripping Bryan of the title this Monday on RAW, which oughta make fans real happy.

Sheamus is out to fight.

But, first, a commercial for Slam City. 

THIS FRIDAY ON SMACKDOWN: John Cena will "answer" Bray Wyatt. Again.

MATCH #3: WWE United States Champion Sheamus vs. Cesaro (w/ Paul Heyman)

It's on. Cesaro with an early edge with quick punches but Sheamus comes back with a hip toss and punches of his own. He finishes with a hard clothesline. After dropping a knee, he headlocks Cesaro in the corner but Cesaro uppercuts out of it and chases Sheamus and two exchange hard uppercuts, back and forth. Sheamus locks up Cesaro in the corner so Cesaro bails outside to talk to Heyman. Sheamus gets sick of waiting and chases them. Heyman: "OH GOD!" Cesaro gets back in the ring and so does Sheamus. The ref starts counting Cesaro who hits huge leaping uppercuts on Sheamus, then DDT's Sheamus on the mat, using the middle rope. Cesaro hits hard body shots in the corner but Sheamus comes back with shots of his own. Double reversal of an Irish Whip and Cesaro goes down to the mat after being hit by the turnbuckles. Sheamus goes outside and hits a Battering Ram for two.

He sets Cesaro up for the Ten Beats and hits them without fail, then suplexes Cesaro back into the ring, but only gets one. Sheamus puts Cesaro in a headlock as Heyman looks semi-worried. Cesaro manages to get to his feet and pushes Sheamus to the corner, hitting more uppercuts, then a HUGE boot to Sheamus's face. Cesaro gets two. Sheamus gets out of the corner and comes back punching, hitting the Rolling Senton. He tries to go to the top rope but Cesaro uses the top rope to knock Sheamus down. He grabs Sheamus and hits a Superplex, getting two as we go to break.

We get clips of Total Divas where Eva nearly drinks after being sober for so long. Can't wait for Nattie to wrestle Layla because Layla gave Eve a Margarita.

After break, Cesaro has Sheamus in the corner but Sheamus punches back and the two trade hard uppercuts. Sheamus hits the Irish Whip but Cesaro comes back, kicking Sheamus in the face. Cesaro tosses Sheamus into the corner but Sheamus comes back with forearms, a corner spear and kneelift. Sheamus runs at Cesaro again but Cesaro hits a kneelift and gets a two count. Cesaro runs at Sheamus but Sheamus grabs him and hits the Irish Curse Backbreaker! He sets Cesaro up for the Cloverleaf but Cesaro rolls him up for a CLOSE fall. Cesaro gets up, running at Sheamus who hits a powerslam on Cesaro, getting two. 

Both guys are tired as hell. Sheamus gets to his feet first and the two trade shots. Sheamus tries White Noise but Cesaro counters, misses a clothesline and Sheamus misses the Brogue! Cesaro hits a huge German Suplex and gets a NEAR three! Sheamus gets up, Cesaro grabs him and goes for the Neutralizer but Sheamus counters, lifting Cesaro up and onto his shoulders and hits White Noise! 1...2...kick-out! Sheamus gets up and calls for the Brogue Kick but misses and Cesaro rolls outside the ropes. Cesaro drops Sheamus's neck on the ropes and climbs the top turnbuckle but Sheamus knocks him off! Sheamus climbs the buckle and DIVES AT CESARO, hitting him perfectly. Sheamus uppercuts Cesaro outside. Cesaro ends up near the timekeeper barrier. Sheamus charges at him but Cesaro dumps him into the timekeeper's pit. Cesaro runs over to the ring, breaks the count, and then grabs Sheamus, tossing him into the crowd barrier on the opposite side. Cesaro tries again but Sheamus reverses and Cesaro ends up against the barrier.

Sheamus clotheslines Cesaro into the crowd but does it too hard and he goes with Cesaro. The two get up an brawl in the crowd and they both get counted out at 13:21 but neither one cares at this point.

WINNER: No contest.

GRADE: A-. This was kick-ass all the way. Hardcore grudge match by two of the toughest guys in the WWE. I got what I paid for here. The ending sucked by I don't care. And, by the way, turning Sheamus heel is a bad, bad idea. Seriously.

Post-match, they just brawl outside as the refs try to separate them. Cesaro goes and gets a chair, nailing Sheamus with it. He rolls Sheamus back in the ring, misses an attack and Sheamus hits the Brogue! 

Cesaro rolls out of the ring and Sheamus celebrates as Cesaro is stunned, sitting on his ass as we go off the air.

OVERALL: B- show, overall. That last match yanked this out of the fire.

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That's it. Thank you to Scott Keith, who has your NXT report, Tommy who has you covered with the Smackdown recap and AndyPG for the shout-out and who will start your week with the RAW write-up.

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