Matt's Main Event Recap - 5/20/2014

Welcome to your regular Tuesday Night thing.

Before I begin the recap, the big news is that Vince McMahon is now poor.

If, by "poor", you mean that he can only buy the mid-priced private jet instead of the one that has stripper poles for the Divas and MH370-like stealth capabilities then, yes, Vince McMahon is now poor. 

How did we get here?

It's funny when something like this happens. Everyone is suddenly an expert in the subject under discussion, everyone has their opinion and everyone thinks the answer they have is the right one. In the past 72+ hours, I've heard it all:

• "Nobody likes Daniel Bryan." Seriously. Somebody said this.

• The WWE Network, once hailed as a great idea (and I still think it's great) by pretty much the entire wrestling community, is now the "worst" idea Vince has had, In fact, not only has that helped erase a chunk of McMahon's bankroll, I've now seen several users compare the WWE Network to the WBF and the XFL. I can't even...I just can't.

• Bad storylines. Ok, fair point.

• Reliance on ancient talent or talent that's past its prime or freshness. Yeah, I can see that. Added to the one above, that makes ratings tank.

• Aliens (Giorgio only)

And how does he fix it? I've heard those solutions, too:

• Mass firing of wrestlers

• Fire Daniel Bryan / put him back at mid-card status

• Cancel the WWE Network or take the PPV option away, re-pricing them at $60 a pop which, in my opinion, is the most backwards move you can make seeing as though streaming television and on-demand viewing is the future.

• Send the Network back to cable as part of a sports package with several other channels. 

• Make Orton champion again (Forum quote: "Stocks were WAY UP with Orton as the face of the WWE.")

• Hire people from TNA because YOLO.

Long story short, Vince went from really, really rich to just really rich. The stock market is wonky and driven by greed, manipulation, short-selling and all sorts of fun, shady shit. McMahon will find a way to recover and this thing will be over faster than the Duck Dynasty racism controversy because, in the end, nobody cares. It's a rich dude with a corporation dealing in fake fighting. If anyone thinks WWE is on the way out or that McMahon will go broke, you're right. That'll happen as soon as the entire city of Los Angeles becomes a bird sanctuary.

In other words, everyone chill the fuck out. 

The Network was JUST BORN. It's taking its first steps. It needs some improvement (such as a better rewinding/forwarding system and slider) but this is impressive stuff. Saying that it "needs to go back to cable" is utterly ridiculous. This was designed to move AWAY from the TV format. That was the whole point. Saying that the network has failed after a few months time and needs to improve by going back to Network TV is like suggesting Tesla should go back to the combustion engine because their first-gen electric cars can only go 200 miles on a charge and probably won't improve.

LONG-TERM. That's what this is about.

As for the financials, if anyone doubts there'll be a recovery, they haven't seen the Stock Market since 2008. These people buy and sell if the person next to them sneezes wrong. The WWE has been here before and will probably be here again. Yeah, the product needs changes if the average RAW and Smackdown shows are any indication. 

But it will end up surviving. There's no need to blow everything up and start over. 

So...now that I've set the mood, let's move on to Main Event which won't feature Daniel Bryan getting his ass kicked. Not unless the McMahons wanna prop him up with giant puppet strings or beat up a mannequin that looks like him. And, after the ludicrous Kane spots the last couple of weeks, I gotta say, I would not be surprised to see them do just that.

Please welcome your WWE Champion, Nordberg!

We are still LIVE(!) from smarky little London, England!

Your guys on the mic are Byron Saxton and Tom Phillips.

Paul Heyman is in the ring to start. Heyman would like to try "something new" tonight. He says he was speaking to his client about the name of the show, "Main Event". He wants to change the name of the show to "Paul Heyman's Main Event", then hits the "MCBLCTUUSAW" button. If I have to tell you what that means, you haven't been watching nor annoyed with it at the same level I am. Heyman introduces Cesaro.

Cesaro hits the ring. The crowd cheers for him. Heyman calls them "wannabes". He says that Cesaro is the greatest athlete in Europe today. Heyman says he beat Sheamus on Monday and Sheamus was forgiving for NOT getting his hand shaken by Cesaro. He says Henry will forgive Cesaro for getting beaten.

Henry hits the ring. Heyman tells him they're not done speaking. Henry says they're done speaking when HE says they're done speaking. Henry says HE is the Strongest Man in the World, not "Swiss Miss over there". Heyman says Cesaro is NEVER number two. He's always number one. Cesaro decides to walk up to Henry and poke his chest. 

Henry grabs him and bear hugs him. Cesaro manages to escape and leave the ring.

NEXT: Oh shit...Sandow's dressed like Sherlock Holmes. 

Main Event was the "#1 Show on the WWE Network". Interesting.

MATCH #1: Damien Sandow vs. R-Truth

After break, Sandow Holmes hits the ring. Sandow says he's "on the case". He's good at solving problems. That's why he's here. He calls the crowd a bunch of half-wits. Random events aren't random. Sandow does the "eliminate the impossible" spiel. That brings out R-Truth just when I thought this couldn't get worse. He mocks Sandow for dressing like Magneto and Sherlock. He even says his "Little Jimmy" was insane. He knows that. He says that Sandow is "seven colors short of a rainbow". AREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO HAVE A MATCH?!

Finally, the bell rings. They lock up, then break, and Sandow adjusts his suit. They lock up again and nothing happens. R-Truth does the splits. The crowd chants "This is awesome" because, why not? Finally, Sandow kicks Truth who holds the ropes off a run, dances, then arm drags Sandow to the mat, locking in an armbar. Sandow gets under the ropes and rolls out of the ring. He grabs his magnifying glass and examines his arm with it. Another lock-up and Truth slaps Sandow in the corner. Sandow punches back and tries a hip toss but Truth counters, hitting a roll-up for two. Once again, Sandow rolls out of the ring and grabs his pipe. Truth follows and punches Sandow, knocking the pipe out of his mouth. Truth gets back in the ring and shouts, "WHAT'S UP?" and we go to a commercial. Dear Triple H: I don't think this match is as epic as you think it is that it deserves a break.

After the break, Truth tosses slams Sandow's head into the buckle as Saxton and Phillips get cute on commentary. Sandow hits an Irish Whip but Truth kicks Sandow in the head. He charges but Sandow tosses Truth out of the ring. Sandow follows and starts slamming Truth's head against the mat. He rolls Truth back in and drops some knees and stomps at Truth, telling the crowd they're welcome. Sandow slows down the match's already-glacial pace by putting Truth to the mat and locking in an armbar. Headlock on Truth who finally makes it to his feet and punches away. He charges Sandow and gets dropkicked. Sandow chokes Truth and hits the Russian Legsweep. He hits the Elbow of Disdain and gets two. ANOTHER headlock but, this time, Truth counters with a chinbreaker.

Truth rushes at Sandow who hits a drop toehold and then beats on Truth as he's draped on the ropes. More punching. Sandow elbows Truth in the face and throws him to the mat, then taunts the crowd. Sandow kicks at Truth who is on his knees. Truth starts no-selling like Warrior but Sandow just beats on him. FINALLY, Truth trips Sandow who flies into the second buckle. Truth pumps up and starts hitting punches. He hits a forearms off the ropes and then a Reverse Sitting Suplex for a CLOSE fall. Irish Whip and Truth hits a Flying Roundhouse Kick for two. He misses the Scissor Kick and Sandow hits You're Welcome for the win at an unbelievably long and boring 13:11.
WINNER: Sandow via You're Welcome
GRADE: 13:11 of C+ action. Sandow can wrestle but Truth is SO one-dimensional. Way too much Truth Peril.

Clips of Steph not stripping the title from Daniel Bryan. 


ON RAW: WILL DANIEL BRYAN SURRENDER THE TITLE? If he doesn't, will they beat him up again? Will Bryan run and hide as Kane gingerly chases him around?

NEXT: Naomi vs. Aksana because Total Divas DEMANDS IT.

MATCH #2: Aksana vs. Naomi (w/ Cameron)
Naomi starts beating on Aksana's eye, then tries a Sunset Flip but misses. Naomi ends up tossing Aksana around and then butt splashing her and rubbing her ass in Aksana's face. That's the best way I can describe it. Naomi gets pulled off the top turnbuckle and put into an Abdominal Stretch but Naomi gets out of it and hits an Enzuguri. Naomi gets up and hits dropkicks, then hits a Falling DDT off the ropes using her legs for two. Aksana comes back with a Spinning Sidewalk Slam for two. Aksana tries a Side Suplex but Naomi lands on her feet and hits a quick sitting slam and the Rear View for the win at 3:26.
WINNER: Naomi via Rear View
GRADE: D+. 

UP NEXT: A look at Cena vs. The Wyatts in case you haven't seen Cena say he'll fight or heard Wyatt sing Public Domain chart toppers.

RAW REBOUND: Cena and the Wyatts.

At Payback, it's Cena vs. Wyatt.

THIS FRIDAY: Hogan for some reason. Also, Ziggler vs. Batista.

There's five minutes left to go on this show. With Cesaro's entrance and probable celebration, we're looking at three minutes. Oh, and Heyman is on the mic for a spot. So, this will be two minutes. He says that he'd like to apologize to Henry for a mistake. He made a mistake accepting this match. Cesaro's already beaten him. It's not fair to wrestle again. He says Henry and Cesaro should arm wrestle. Henry: "DEAL." Heyman stutters to death as if he's being paid by the syllable. Henry goes outside and starts taking apart the the Announce Table. We have two minutes left. At least this will be over soon. Heyman says "He's calling our bluff." Cesaro: "OUR bluff?!" Heyman backpedals and says he believes in Cesaro.

MATCH #3: Mark Henry vs. Cesaro (w/ Paul Heyman) in an Arm Wrestling Match
The two lock arms, Heyman touches Henry, Henry looks at Heyman and Cesaro uppercuts Henry and dumps the table on him.
WINNER: No contest.
GRADE: THIS was WCW-level bullshit. F. If I could give less, I would.

And we go off the air tthat way.


OVERALL: F. This was the worst Main Event show I've ever seen.

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That's it. Thank you to Scott Keith, who has your NXT report, Tommy who has your weekend covered with the Smackdown recap and AndyPG for the shout-out each week and who will also start your week off right with the RAW write-up.

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