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Matt's Recap: WWE Extreme Rules - 5/4/2014

I usually cover Main Event. This is my first rant about an Event Formerly Known as a Pay Per View.

I won't get too fancy.

We start with a promo portraying HHH as a dictator with an empire. This empire has demons and rebelling soldiers and those who make you question your own beliefs.

And we are LIVE from the IZOD Center in East Rutherford, New Jersey!!!

JBL, Michael Cole and King are your guys as usual.

MATCH #1: Rob Van Dam vs. Jack Swagger (w/ Zeb Colter) vs. Cesaro (w/ Paul Heyman) in a Elimination Triple Threat Match
Once again, we have to sit through Heyman's needlessly long entrance.  The three men punch at each other, then Cesaro and Swagger team up on RVD with a reverse elbow of the ropes. Cesaro goes after Swagger but Swagger hits a belly to belly suplex. RVD gets into it by hitting a springing kick off the ropes to Swagger and then a Slingshot Splash to Cesaro and Cesaro lands on top of Swagger. Swagger hits a quick two count. Swagger goes outside to collect RVD who fell outside at Swagger's hands but Swagger clears the ring and then hits a powerbomb to Cesaro outside! RVD is in with Swagger and hits a swinging reverse suplex and gets two. He slams RVD and hits a Swagger Bomb for two. Cesaro suddenly gets in the ring and hits the Cesaro Swing on Swagger, getting 9 spins before RVD boots Cesaro in the face and pins him for two. RVD slams Cesaro and goes for th 5SFS but Swagger press slams him to the mat off the ropes and hits the Patriot Lock. RVD kicks at Swagger and Cesaro hits a running uppercut off the ropes for two. Cesaro tries to ram Swagger into the buckle but Swagger does it to him instead and climbs the ropes but Cesaro uppercuts him and suplexes him into the ring with Swagger's feet planted on the other side of the ropes! RVD follows with the 5SFS! Three! Swagger's gone, though everyone's confused about the elimination rules and thinks it was a botched cover, seemingly.

Cesaro is immediately on RVD with Gut Wrenches and a German Suplex for two. RVD rolls outside and Cesaro jumps off the ropes and nails him with a double axehandle outside. Cesaro tosses RVD into the crowd barrier and tries to jump off it but RVD kicks him off, leaving Cesaro hanging over it. RVD hits a Flying Guillotine Legdrop on Cesaro and the crowd loves it and chants, "ECW". Cesaro is back inside and RVD hits Rolling Thunder, then the Flipping Moonsault! Two count for both the moves. RVD goes under the mat and pulls out a trash can but Cesaro dropkicks the can into RVD's face. Cesaro tosses the crumpled can into the ring as well as RVD but RVD hits body scissors, NEARLY pinning Cesaro. He grabs the can and throws into Cesaro's arms and then kicks the can into Cesaro's face. He puts the can on top of Cesaro's chest and goes for the 5-Star Frogsplash...but Cesaro moves and hits the Neutralizer on TOP of the can and we are done at around 12:36.
WINNER: Cesaro via Neutralizer
GRADE: B+. Surprisingly, RVD carried this thing for the most part, managing to out-do Cesaro. Swagger didn't even belong in the match or just seemed wholly invisible to me.

Backstage, a trainer is working on Daniel Bryan's arm. Steph interrupts and says she can't control Kane. She's afraid for him and his wife and his Mom. She's afraid that he's gonna get annihilated. She tells Daniel Bryan that he should surrender the title tonight.

Bryan: "Stephanie...get out of my face."

He says he's walking in as champ and he'll walk out as champ. Steph says that won't happen. Because he'll be walking out as "Kane's Bitch".

If you can climb the hills outside your house and be a chick who finally gets preggers, it's because you BO-LIEVED. These just get worse as time goes by.

MATCH #2: Alexander Rusev (w/ Lana) vs. R-Truth & Xavier Woods in a Handicap Match
Lana talks up Vladimir Putin because it's been too long since the crowd was whipped into a Jingoistic frenzy by something that wasn't Hacksaw Jim Duggan. She is "dedicating this match" to him. She introduces Rusev who gets to the ring and, before the bell rings, Rusev immediately boots Xavier Woods out of the ring. He follows up by going outside and throwing him into the steel under the ring. Then he hits a Gut Wrench Suplex for good measure before going into the ring to face R-Truth. The ref rings the bell and Rusev is all over Truth, punching him and whipping him into the posts. The crowd chants "WE WANT LANA". Woods is still out and Rusev charges at Truth but misses and Truth takes the opportunity to get in some offense, culminating in a missile drop kick. He hits the Scissor Kick and gets two as Lana's head nearly explodes like one of those possessed villagers in Resident Evil 4. Rusev comes back with a kick, then hits his Tornado Spinebuster and the Accolade at 2:37. Helluva Handicap Match, huh?
WINNER: Rusev via Accolade
GRADE: D-. Another RAW squash come and gone.

Post-match, the heels start walking back to the ramp and Lana tells Rusev to destroy Woods, too. So he does.

Commercial for Juicy Drop Pops.

Lillian Garcia says that the winner of the USA Games Special Olympics in New Jersey will be revealed soon. Many of the competitors are at ringside tonight.

Renee Young is backstage with Evolution. She wants to know about their game plan. HHH says they have massive egos. He talks up Batista and Orton and says they're with the Cerebral Assassin tonight and everyone keeps asking WHY people call him that -- and he'll show everyone what that means. You know, just in case they haven't seen HHH wrestle anytime in the last 15+ years.

Barrett's here with some BAD NEWS: The MERS virus is here and everyone will succumb to it. But that's not gonna be anything compared to how he will beat up Big E.

MATCH #3: Bad News Barrett (challenger) vs. Big E (champion) for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
Barrett poses and claps for the crowd so Big E tosses him into the ropes and hits a shoulderblock. Barrett rolls outside and Big E follows and tosses him into the ringpost, then spears him. He rolls Barrett into the ring but Barrett kicks E and E rolls back outside. Barrett leaps off the apron with an elbow, hitting it, then rolls E into the ring for a one-count. Barrett tries a suplex but E reverses it. The crowd is clearly behind Barrett as he comes back with a suplex and gets two. Headlock by Barrett but E gets out and charges and Barrett hits a cross body for two. He gets up and hits E with a big boot, then chokes him on the ropes and lays him across the top buckle. He poses for the crowd who loves him, then charges and E hits a belly to belly suplex. E hulks up a bit and hits clotheslines and another belly to belly suplex. He spears Barrett in the corner and knocks Barrett from the ring. Barrett gets to the mat and E tries to suplex him back in but nothing doing. So, he SPEARS BARRETT OUT OF THE RING. Holy shit. He tosses Barrett back in and gets two. He goes for the Splash and runs into Winds of Change for two! Wow. He stops on E and then tries to toss him into the corner but Barrett reverses and E runs into the Ringpost. Barrett hits Wasteland and NEARLY gets another pin. He calls for the Bullhammer but E catches him and hits a Spinebuster Slam and Warrior Splash. He calls for the Big Easy but Barrett gets out and goes for the Bullhammer...but misses. Big E ducks and runs at him and Barrett hits it anyway, and gets the pin at 7:55.
WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Bad News Barrett via Bullhammer
GRADE: B-. Not a bad match but E seemed like he was mailing this in and the whole thing felt like something you might see on Smackdown. Glad that Barrett is finally making the comeback he deserves after the last misfire.

A promo for WWE Stackdown, which is Lego WWE, only it's not by Lego. It comes complete with your favorite current superstars like John Cena and Sheamus! And, UH-OH, here comes Biker Undertaker from 14 years ago! (Sidenote: I would actually kill for a Lego WWE video game. Let's get that puppy going, huh?)

Adam says he's coming to RAW this Monday. And he has bunnies.

We get a video package for The Shield vs. Evolution.

MATCH #4: Evolution (Batista, Randy Orton & Triple H) vs. The Shield (WWE United States Champion Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns)
The heels comes out and wait for The Shield to come out. There's a long, long delay before they finally hit the ring. Crowd is already chanting "THIS IS AWESOME". It's a West Side Story stare-down until the bell rings, then it's a Pier Six Brawl after that. The Shield clears the ring as Cole wets his pants, declaring The Shield "winners of the first battle". HHH runs into the ring but Rollins sees it coming and puts HHH into the corner, slugging away. He slings HHH into the ropes and hits a forearm, then a Stinger Splash in the corner and clotheslines HHH out of the ring, followed by a Suicide Dive to HHH outside. Orton attacks next so Rollins just punches him away. He gets back in the ring and runs into a HUGE clothesline by HHH. Tag to Batista who gets massive heat. He tosses Rollins into the corner and rams him repeatedly with his shoulders. Tag to Orton who beats on Rollins and then stomps him near the ropes, then hits a slingshot clotheline using the bottom rope. Orton tags in HHH who hits a kneelift and gets two.

Tag to Batista who elbows Rollins from the outside, then boots him in the head and pins for two. Tag to Orton who stomps on Rollins foot and wrist. He drops Rollins on the top rope, stomach-first, then hits a side headlock after Rollins tries to tag in one of his guys. Rollins gets to his feet and tries a tag but Orton drags him Rollins finally counters with a sidewalk slam to Orton and starts crawling to his corner to make a hot tag. The rest of Evolution, however, comes running in and attacks Reigns and Ambrose, knocking them off the mat. Orton pulls Rollins to his feet and Rollins hits an Enzuguri and tags Ambrose who missile dropkicks Orton and then boots away at Batiasta. Orton goes for an RKO but Ambrose gets out of Orton's grip and hits a clothesline and a Figure Four much to the delight of the Flair fans in attendance. Reigns, meanwhile, works on Batista outside the ring, tossing him into the crowd barrier outside. Ambrose and Orton are still inside as Reigns misses a Spear on Triple H and ends up running into the steel steps. Back inside, Batista just works over Ambrose in the corner. Ambrose gets to his feet but Batista hits a massive clothesline and tags in Orton who puts Ambrose in a headlock.

Rollins is back on the mat and so is Reigns after a bit, looking a little beat up. Orton hits a dropkick on Ambrose after he gets free. Tag to HHH who taunts Ambrose and tells him to get up. He punches at Ambrose, knocking him down and then puts Ambrose into the corner. He charges Ambrose who hits a boot but then charges and runs into a HHH Spinebuster. Tag to Batista who hits a running elbow and gets a two count. He puts Ambrose in a headlock but Ambrose gets free. HHH tagged in but he gets DDT'ed. Ambrose tags Reigns and it's on. He takes out Orton and Batista, then uppercuts Batista, He takes out Orton outside, along with Batista. Batista tries to put Reigns in a Batista Bomb but Rollins makes the save. The Shield gets in the ring. Reigns hits The Superman Punch on Batista and The Shield hits the Triple Powerbomb! 1...2...nope. Triple H pulls Reigns from the ring...and the chaos begins.

Evolution gangs up on Reigns. Ambrose comes over and beats on Orton. Rollins flies at Triple H with a Suicide Dive and MISSES! Triple H gets back in the ring and NEARLY runs into a Reigns Superman Punch but DUCKS and then IMMEDIATELY hits the Pedigree! HHH realizes he was never tagged, so he drags a still-unconscious Batista on top of Reigns for the pin. Ambrose comes in and takes Triple H out of the ring, beating on him outside...but Batista has his arm over Reigns: 1...2...REIGNS KICKS OUT. Crowd is ballistic at this point. Orton comes in and RKO's Reigns but Rollins makes the save on the pin! He takes out Orton and runs him into the crowd barricades which also takes out the cameraman. Orton puts Rollins into the timekeeper's pit and Triple H joins him as they stomp Rollins. Suddenly, AMBROSE RUNS ACROSS BOTH ANNOUNCE TABLES AND DIVES AT ORTON AND TRIPLE H INSIDE THE PIT. The fight spills into the crowd as Rollins, Ambrose, Orton and Triple H fight their way up the stairs of the IZOD Center. Orton and Triple H take out Rollins and knock Ambrose down a set of stairs backstage. Orton and Triple H attack, smacking Ambrose's head on the step railing and all seems lost...until Triple H and Orton look high above them to the crowd concourse above the backstage doorway and see Rollins WHO LEAPS OFF THE CONCOURSE AND TAKES OUT TRIPLE H AND ORTON.

Crowd chants, "HOLY SHIT" as all four men lay on the concrete, beat up and spent. Meanwhile, back in the ring, Batista gets to his feet. Reigns charges and Batista hits the Spinebuster! He stomps his foot, signalling for the Batista Bomb. Crowd is NOT happy. He goes for the Batista Bomb but Reigns shoves Batista off of him and hits The Superman Punch and a HUGE Spear and it's over at 19:57.
WINNERS: The Shield via Spear
GRADE: A+. There are no other words. This was the match of the evening, if not a candidate for match of the year. 

Post-match, Reigns, suddenly bestowed with the powers of Lassie, finds and re-unites with his boys backstage and poses with them.

We get a promo for Legend's House. They will be stripping. For women. Because.

Cole, King, and JBL push the WWE Network and I still can't, honestly, understand why more people aren't buying this thing.

Steel cage lowers...Bray and Cena are next as we run a promo for the two of them.

MATCH #5: John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt (w/ Luke Harper & Eric Rowan) in a Steel Cage Match
Cena checks the cage for stability and seems satisfied. Even though it has no roof. And the door isn't locked and they can use it to get in. And the match is No-DQ. Yup. Everything's perfectly fine. Bray and the Family hit the ring with dozens of cellphone lights in the audience swaying back and forth to their theme song. Bray shakes the cage after he arrives as Cena paces like a tiger, waiting for him. Bray whispers something in Rowan's ear, then Harper's. He gets in the ring and Cena tells the ref to watch the other two Wyatt members who can open the door and enter at anytime. Bray gets headlocked but then hits a shoulderblock. He hits a clothesline after that as the crowd gets behind Bray. Bray tosses Cena into the corner but Cena reverses and hits a suplex off the running charge. He tries to climb the cage but Harper and Rowan block him. Bray clotheslines Cena when he comes back down. The two brawl but Bray gets the upper hand and tosses Cena into the cage. Bray knocks Cena down with a punch and then pushes Cena's face against the cage, telling Cena to apologize to everyone. Rowan splashes Cena against the cage from the outside as the crowd sings and sways like a bunch of typical East Coast Marks. Bray tries to escape from the cage but Cena won't let him and slingshots Bray into the cage. Cena climbs the cage but Herper and Rowan get in his way. Cena doesn't care and climbs over. Bray climbs up, too, but he gets kicked off. Cena is over the top again but Bray stops him again. Cena tries for a move off the top rope but Bray kicks him off. Bray gets a two count.

Bray dances around the ring with Cena and then hits a chokeslam. Two count. Bray pulls Cena up and Cena grabs him for the AA but Bray gets off of Cena's shoulders. Cena hits a quick dropkick and starts climbing the cage again. Bray goes into Spider Mode and tries to escape the cage but Cena stops him. He kicks Cena away and then hits a cross body for two. He tosses Cena into the cage on opposite sides. He tries again but Cena reverses it and Bray eats cage instead. Bray tries a clothesline but Cena hits two shoulderblocks and the Cena Slam. U CAN'T SEE ME and the Five Knuckle Shuffle. He goes for the AA but Bray uses Cena's shoulders as a ladder, climbing off Cena to the side of the cage. Cena grabs him and powerbombs him. Two count and the match continues. Cena calls for the ref to open the door but Rowan pushes the ref away and holds the door shut. Cena tries to force the door open against Rowan and nearly succeeds...but Harper arrives to help and it doesn't matter anyhow because Bray immediately attacks Cena from behind and hits a DDT for two. He goes into Hanging Spider Mode but misses the reverse Senton. Cena takes advantage and climbs the cage again, this time, getting OUT of the cage to the other side...but Rowan climbs up to meet him, puts Cena ON HIS SHOULDERS and pushes him back into the cage.

Bray attacks but Cena hits a Facebuster off the top rope! Two count! Cena climbs again but Harper climbs the cage and beats on Cena, knocking him back inside the ring...but Cena rams Harper's head into the cage and Harper is unconscious inside. Cena climbs the cage but Rowan grabs a chair and tells him not to do it. Cena gets back in and Wyatt grabs him and Suplex Tosses him cross the ring! Holy shit. He goes for Sister Abigail but Wyatt counters with the STF. Wyatt drags himself out the door of the cage.  Cena pulls him back in by his feet. Rowan grabs Bray's arms and it's a tug of war...but Cena wins and pulls him back in. After disabling Harper (who's still in the ring), Bray climbs the cage...but Cena stops him, pulls him onto his shoulders and manages to hit the AA off the second rope. He pins...but Harper makes the save. Cena gets up and climbs the cage again but Rowan climbs too...Rowan gets to the top first but Cena grabs Rowan by his beard and knocks him unconscious by ramming his head into the steel lining the top. Harper attacks! But Cena knocks him out again. With everyone knocked out, Cena heads for the door of the cage...but we get the "Wyatt Cut" and the place goes dark...and we hear a REALLY fucking warped, demonic version of "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" being sung in the darkness. When the lights come up, it's a little kid, grinning and singing it in Cena's face. Cena backs up...right into Bray who hits Sister Abigail. Bray gets out of the cage for the win at 21:26.
WINNER: Bray Wyatt
GRADE: B-. Entertaining but, come on. This was painfully long and I find it hard to believe that no character or commentator, in the last three weeks leading up to this match, even bothered to point out that interference was not only possible but inevitable with a wide-open cage and unlocked door. That said, creepy finish and I liked the fact that Cena was in the middle of a nightmare the entire time and couldn't escape it even though he thought he had.

Post-match, Bray hugs the creepy, smiling blonde kid who looks uncomfortable as Bray smears his sweaty, ugly body all over the kid's face. They hold his hands and lead him away from the ring as Cena stares in disbelief.

Cole and the boys throw it over to Josh Matthews, Booker T, Sheamus, and Alex Riley who (surprise) CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT THEY'VE JUST WITNESSED. They also loved The Shield and Evolution match.

We see clips from the WEE-LC Match from the Pre-Show which was pretty good stuff despite my expectations. Forgive me for not covering it. B+, though. I'll say that.

MATCH #6: Tamina Snuka (challenger) vs. Paige (champion) for the WWE Divas Championship
Tamina heads to the ring as Cole reminds us, once again, that she "is the daughter of Hall of Famer, Jimmy Snuka" just in case his reminders each week for the last year hadn't clued you in. The two women lock up and Paige is all over Tamina with punches, then stomps her in the corner. Tamina lunges at Paige over and over but Paige moves out of the way of each attempt to grab her, then rolls up Tamina for a one-count. Tamina whips Paige into the ropes and Tamina charges but Paige climbs on her shoulders and rolls her up for two. Paige knees Tamina outside the ropes then climbs the top rope but Tamina Superkicks her causing Paige to fall outside the ring in a heap. Tamina rolls her back in and pins for two. Tamina tosses Paige into the corner then hits a HUGE slam for two. She slams Paige on the mat, over and over, and gets two again as JBL says that Tamina could have been in the APA. Paige runs at Tamina and pushes her out of the ring. She goes for a Hurricarana but Tamina just spins her around by her legs and slams Paige's head into the crowd barrier. Tamina puts her back into the ring and puts Paige on her shoulders, climbing the top rope but Paige powerbombs her on a counter for three. Or not. They blew the spot. Paige hits a Tornado DDT of sorts and gets two. Paige runs at Tamina and Tamina hits a Spinning Spinebuster. Paige tries to get to her feet and tries the Superkick but Paige catches her and hits the Scorpion Crosslock. Tamina taps at 6:19.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Paige via Scorpion Crosslock
GRADE: C+. Paige's first decent match.

Wyatt cut.

Little Johnny is backstage with the Wyatts. Can't wait for the Little Johnny/Little Jimmy feud. Bray says Cena is trapped in a little box. He asks Little Johnny what everyone will do now. In the goofy Nailz voice, he says, "FOLLOW...THE BUZZARDS", then puts on a sheep mask.

We're at the main event but, first, it's a video package of Daniel Bryan and "That Bastard" Kane.

MATCH #7: Daniel Bryan (champion) vs. Kane (challenger) for the WWE Heavyweight Championship in an Extreme Rules Match
Bryan wastes no time. Kane's music hits, Kane walks out and Bryan runs out of the ring and jumps him in the aisle. Kane tosses him into the crowd cage on the side, then into the mat, then goes under the ring for the Wicker Stick of Doom. Bryan punches at him, the stick drops and Bryan gets back inside the ring. Kane gets in and goes for the top rope but Bryan dropkicks him and then climbs up, punches him and hits a Frankensteiner. Holy shit. He dropkicks Kane and then ejects him from the ring. Outside, he rushes Kane who counters, hitting a Big Boot. Kane picks Bryan up and kicks him in the stomach, then whips him into the crowd barricade. He picks up Bryan and also a chair, slamming Bryan's back on top of the timekeeper wall which has seen more action than a teen watching Cinemax on Sunday night. Bryan crawls back into the ring. Kane grabs a chair and botches throwing it into the ring as the chair bounces off the ropes and goes back outside. The crowd boos. Kane sets up a chair in the corner but Bryan hits him with the Wicker Stick, then tries to hit Kane off the top rope. Kane uppercuts him, then whacks him with the chair. He sets up the chair on its legs and sidewalk slams Bryan into the chair. Two count.

Kane goes for the Chokeslam but Bryan jumps out of it and drop toeholds Kane into the corner chair. Bryan climbs the ropes and hits the missile dropkick. Kane falls outside so Bryan hits the Flying Goat as the crowd chants "YES". Bryan takes apart the announce tables and uses each piece on Kane. Kane fights back and rams Bryan's head into the announce table, then tosses the table facade into Bryan's back. Kane takes apart the Spanish Announce Table and attempts a chokeslam but Bryan gets out, kicks him off and hits a Flying Tornado DDT off the table! Wow! He kicks at Kane but Kane knees him and tosses him into the steel steps. Kane takes apart the steel steps and then sets up for the Tombstone but Bryan counters and throws Kane into the ringpost. Bryan goes under the ring and grabs another Kendo stick and whacks Kane with it repeatedly until Kane hits him with a HARD uppercut.

He tosses Bryan into the video screen on the ramp and the match spills backstage. Kane tosses Bryan into a bucket of water, then lifts up an HDTV and throws it into a bucket of water...but Bryan's no longer in there. Kane punches Bryan as the fight goes to the backstage parking lot. Bryan picks up a shovel and whacks Bryan in the back. Bryan punches Kane on top of a car, then runs at Kane who body drops him on the hood. Kane picks up an oxygen tank which he throws at Bryan who moves and the tank goes through the windshield. (G/F: "'s only a Subaru.") Kane punches Bryan but misses and his fist goes through the window of a BMW. Bryan takes a tire iron and knocks Kane senseless with it. Then he stands there as he realizes that Kane's out like a light and he can't drag him to the he has an idea. He picks Kane up and puts him on a wood pallet block which is on a forklift....

Bryan drives the forklift out of the backstage area to the ring and then raises the fork and dumps Kane into the ring. JBL, himself, questions this bullshit and asks "Where did he learn to DRIVE a forklift?" Bryan gets out and climbs the crate and hits a HUGE Flying Headbutt and gets a close fall. Bryan sets up in the corner and Kane sits up. He goes for the Flying Knee but Kane catches him and hits the Chokeslam and gets a VERY near fall. Kane corners the ref who tells him Bryan got the shoulder up. Kane gets a chair and runs his finger across his neck, a'la Undertaker. He goes for the Tombstone but Bryan counters with a Tornado DDT. Two-count. He picks up the chair and whacks Kane with it about ten times, then hits the YES Lock, but can't get the lock all the way around Kane's head. Kane manages to squirm loose and grabs a nearby Kendo stick, whacking Bryan's head with it but can't get the necessary power or leverage to do any damage. Bryan takes the stick from him and uses it to lock the move in completely. Kane's only move now is to get out of the hold and he does by falling out of the ring, forcing Bryan to let go. Bryan's not done with him, however, and goes into Flying Goat Mode, diving at Kane outside but KANE CATCHES HIM AND CHOKESLAMS HIM THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE. Nice payoff after taking all that time to set it up.

Kane shoves Bryan back in the ring and then goes under the ring again, pulling out a folding table. He sets it up as two dudes run to his sides with fire extinguishers. Why? Because Kane also grabs a gas can and a lighter. He pours it on the table and lights it. He gets back on the mat to get Bryan but, since the set up for that took, like four weeks, Bryan's already recovered and knocks Kane off the mat, onto the table. Kane immediately gets up, discombobulated, with a dude practically showering him with fire extinguisher Like Piper at Wrestlemania V, then gets in the ring. Bryan hits the Flying Knee and we're done at 22:44.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Daniel Bryan via Flying Knee
GRADE: B-. A little much at times. The forklift thing was a bit silly and the flaming table was arbitrary and complete overkill. We didn't need that finish. The brawling and back-and-forth, however, was top-notch and it was clear that these two wanted to kill one another.

Post-match, Bryan celebrates in the aisle. Kane gets up and hits his fire, letting Bryan know this isn't over as we go off the air with Kane's music still playing

OVERALL: B+. I really liked this one. It was never boring and was a decent follow-up to Wrestlemania XXX.


That's it. Thank you to Scott Keith and all the people who like what they read and if you wanna read more of my stuff, please visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at and visit us on Facebook.


  1. The Main Event had too much downtime, that longgggg forkliftttttt driviiingggggg sequence gave me Shenmue flashbacks.

  2. Jack Swagger just seems completely lost in the ring. For someone who has been in WWE for over five years, you would think he would have improved by now. He wrestles as if he does not know what he is going to do next. None of his moves really string

    Big E did feel very uninterested in his match. I wonder if he was mad over losing the title. I do not know why he would be since that title is deadly to people's careers. I have heard a lot of praise about E, but he has not impressed me yet at all. He is
    very cookie-cutter, in my opinion.

    Evolution vs. Shield was in fact awesome. It was a old-school mixed with new-school tag match. The Shield bumped like crazy. Kudos to the camera crew for doing an exceptional job here. They made it feel like Ambrose and Rollins were coming out of nowhere. It could have used a better dramatic finishing sequence to launch it to a higher level. However, I think that was done intentionally because there is going to
    be rematches in the future.

    I cannot agree with you about Wyatt-Cena. I thought that match was terrible. It went on way too long. It was completely illogical. Cena kept trying to escape when he could have just pinned Wyatt. The spots with the door were very contrived,
    especially Wyatt's spiderman walk to the door, which made him look beyond stupid. This feud's purpose seemed to elevate the Wyatt Family. It has instead lessened them. Cena was dominating all three of them, and it took a kid with a laughable
    voice for him to lose the match. This entire thing was wrestlecrap at its

    The main event did nothing for me either. It did not feel like a heated brawl at all. Instead, it felt like one of those quirky WWF 1999 hardcore matches. They were fine in 1999 for what they were -- garbage undercard matches. They do not belong anywhere near the main event, though. The forklift spot took too long and it had a weak payoff. The fire spot was meaningless. Kane went through the spot of the table
    that wasn't even lit; most of the fire went out before Kane even went through,
    and the people with the fire extinguishers acted like Kane was about to burn to
    death. Mick Foley was probably rolling on the floor laughing at that

    Oh, and WEELC was legit awesome. It was a great mixture of comedy and sick spots. The second best match of the night.

  3. Good review. I thought it was a strong show as well, my only complaint being Super Cena basically beating the entire Wyatt Family before the kid appeared, but at least Bray won the match. Like others have said, I really hope winning the IC title won't lead to Bad News Barrett being pushed less as it has for the past several IC champs.

  4. So I watched my first entire WWE ppv in about 7 years. In the interest of full disclosure I don't watch Raw or Smackdown so my knowledge of the wrestlers is primarily from reading online here.

    First off, glad I didn't watch the pregame. Hated midget matches in the 80s, hate em' now.

    Opener was solid spotfest. Didn't think RVD looked bad and the crowd was into him. Still don't get why a heel like Swagger is doing sing-along catchphrases in his entrance, but hey that's 2014 WWE for ya apparently. Cesaro is a physical freak. Surprised no one is raving about that superplex Cesaro did on Swagger. One of the reasons I always was iffy on the superplex was the setup time it took and the way the guys had to help each other. It was awesome to see the two of them do it with Swagger on the mat floor and clearing his legs over all the ropes. Just a fantastic spot. Really liked this one, even though it was pretty much a spotfest.

    Big E vs. Barrett. I like Big E. Talented big man and a shame the crowd was giving him nothing out there. I enjoyed this match as well even if Barrett's bad news thing was kind dumb (I've seen clips were it is much more entertaining).

    Rusev squash. Wasn't it just a couple years ago R-Truth was working a main event? Typical paint by numbers foreign heel, but in 2014 a Russian heel is kinda neat. He seemed to have some physical skills.

    Shield vs Evolution. Heat segment on Ambrose was waaaaay too long. One thing I've noticed watching this show vs. the old NWA/WCW ppvs I've been watching on the Network is how much more the crowd was into the old shows. I kept waiting for a good "Let's go Dean" chant. Good spot fest, although kinda hard to follow. Great to see Batista and HHH putting over the young guys (Orton should be putting over everyone, that guy is part of what drove me away from watching WWE). To Mask's point about Reigns having too many finishers, punches should never be finishers, even Big Show's. The only cool punch finisher was Regal using brass knucks.

    Wyatt/Cena. More of a segment than a match. The focus was mostly on the relationship between Cena and Wyatt and the crowd and very little on the actual match, which kinda sucked. With the ending the whole thing made no sense because why would Wyatt try to escape at various points (or even try to pin Cena) if he wanted the posessed kid to weird out Cena? I know it doesn't really matter with Wyatt's character, but this match didn't exactly put him over as being able to hang with Cena in the ring. Always a pleasure to hear the crowd boo the heck out of Cena.

    FFed through the Diva match.

    Main event. You can tell the crowd loves Bryan but the match was kinda heatless until the forklift because nobody was buying Kane winning the belt. I know it's a WWE 2014 thing but it annoys me that Bryan didn't sell any of his injuries from the past month on Raw. Kane had several really sloppy sells and spots. He's just never been particularly good. Forklift thing was Austinesque and kinda dated. I know why they have the fire extinguisher guy but seems silly to let someone set a table on fire, then go through it if you are going to hose him off split seconds later. If the crew is so worried about burning, why let him do it in the first place (kayfabe wise). Looks like they are really going to try to stretch another month out of this feud even though no one is buying Kane as a legit threat to win the title.

    Overall decent. I didn't think the 6 man tag was as great as some, but it was entertaining. I really enjoyed some of the undercard stuff though.

  5. Good review but I really think the match ratings are way way way off.

  6. Eh, I don't know. I think he's mostly on point with the ratings here (other than the fact I still don't like letter grades for match rating).

  7. "To Mask's point about Reigns having too many finishers, punches should never be finishers"

    Agreed. I'm glad he isn't using the punch as his finisher.

  8. I disagree about Heyman. I can listen to him all night.

  9. Mister_E_Studd_Got100ProblemsMay 5, 2014 at 3:20 PM

    That's a lot of way's.

  10. Anyone wanting to see WCW ineptitude in action... they could have made MILLIONS off the Rey Mysterio Lawn Dart Set. Or just a Rey Mysterio Dart Set.

  11. I really don't know what to say about the Wyatt/Cena match. I'd say I need to watch it again but I don't know if how good or bad the match was even matters in this case. I hated a lot of the booking but felt it did the job it was trying to do when it was all said and done. I don't know. It was weird as fuck. I vacillated between hating and loving what they were doing in this one.

    I do think I need to rewatch Kane/Bryan but I liked it. I'm not the match-rating type by nature (but I am the broken record type, I think that's the third time I've said that today) but I thought it was around 3ish. I liked it.

  12. Of course he is! But is it going anywhere? There's only so long you can be that top heel manager before you get kicked in the head for it.

    The Undertaker practically vanished after Wrestlemania XXX, an ending that was so strangely abrupt. I guess I'm expecting the Streak Brag Angle to go some place. Like Undertaker coming back, slamming Heyman one last time, and then announcing his retirement.

  13. It's exactly what he should be doing. If The Streak Killer is replacing The Streak as a special attraction, you're damn right Heyman shouldn't shut the fuck up about it.

  14. In Heyman's case, we have years to go before we get to "only so long."

  15. AverageJoeEverymanMay 5, 2014 at 3:35 PM

    You're crazy if you dont watch the pre show match just cause midgets. It was crazy entertaining.

  16. He's also not spearing people off of twenty foot ladders. That helps too!

  17. I can't believe how much I liked that match.

  18. AverageJoeEverymanMay 5, 2014 at 3:37 PM

    Very true. I wonder if it was a team of Owen Hart and Chris Benoit they beat.

  19. Mister_E_Studd_Got100ProblemsMay 5, 2014 at 3:37 PM

    So I didn't watch the show, but people seem oddly fired up over the midget match - is this legit, or just silliness?
    Should I track it down?

  20. Fantasy book: it seems like a Swagger face turn is coming. It's as good an idea as any, as he's suited for a Hacksaw-type spot. Easy turn: Duggan himself comes out for an appearance, Rusev crushes him and hits the Accolade, cue that great theme music and the big patriotic save.
    Evolution's new shirt is GREAT.

  21. Yeah the Wyatt cena thing was more like a sportz entertainment segment than a match. I get what they were going for and other than the ending it didn't think it was total shit but as a wrestling match, yikes! I mean if I call the Bryan match two stars and someone says its 3, well there's room for debate and personal preference so that's fair.

    However, and I'm not sure how a B- converts to the star system, but when I got a b - in school I called it good enough. So I'm guessing its around 2.5 to 3 stars. I just can't see that in a million years.

  22. Even by Kane standards, that was pretty good. Lately, Kane wrestles like he doesn't have a, it was nice to see the intensity. I just thought the flaming table was silly, extraneous and needless and that the forklift was just wholly goofy.

  23. It wasn't Bockwinkel - Flair or anything but it was really fun.

  24. Jerry Lawler's Fire

  25. It was fun as hell. I enjoyed it.

  26. Stephanie McMahon. The Ultimate prop. Use it and you'll win multiple world titles, and cut 20 minute promos to open RAW.... then run the matter how bad the storylines get!

  27. I still laugh at this:

    Paul: Knock knock!

    Crowd: Who's there?

    Paul: Mike

    Crowd: Mike who?

    Paul: Mike....lient Brock Lesnar conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania!

  28. You think THAT'S hard, try reading Ebert's column about how he converted stars to thumbs. :)

  29. And, btw, I'd kill to see Little Johnny look at the TV and yell, "BOSS MAN! I'M WAITING FOR YOU, BOSS MAN! GET IN THE RING, BOSS MAN!"

  30. My problem with the letter grades is that it screws with the context of what we implicitly know about both what letter grade and star ratings mean. A C-, say, translates to about 2ish stars, but the star rating offers more room for ambiguity, as it should. A 2-star match that's 5-6 minutes long could be pretty good, whereas a C- or D+ letter grade implies a much stricter standard.

  31. Last night, Heyman figured out how to do something WWE couldn't do for more than a decade: Kill an ECW chant.

  32. I've always said I think Kane (and Big Show, for that matter) is a good worker because he understands what he is and works it effectively. Not every "good worker" is a Bryan/Punk type who can churn out 5-star matches, but they can get the most that can be gotten out of their character and use their matches to get themselves and their opponents over and I think Kane's done that for years.

  33. Championship belts.

  34. Has anyone mentioned the kid from the Cena match being the same kid from the NFL Play 60 commercial with Cam Newton? He is also the real son of Jamison from WWF Prime Time.

  35. Star-wise?

    RVD v. Cesaro v. Swaggs - ***
    Rusev Squash - 1/2*
    BNB vs. Big E - ***, but barely
    Shield v. Evolution - *****
    Cena v. Bray - ***
    Tamina v. Paige - **
    Bryan v. Kane - ***

    I'm pretty sure if I watched it again, I might change my mind. I was thoroughly entertained, though. This was better than most of the recent PPV's that the WWE has churned out before and INFINITELY better than this year's Royal Rumble which has to be one of the worst PPV's I've ever seen.

  36. I didn't catch that. But holy shit, you're right.

  37. That's pretty wild, that kid is funny in the commercial, maybe he'll do well playing his character

  38. Cam Newton vs. Bray Wyatt. Book it.

  39. Jamison and Cam Newton should join forces with Cena to rescue him from The Wyatt family.

  40. Rusev is really starting to grow on me. And I especially like the fact that they're just straight up portraying the duo as a Russian heel now. Yeah it's leeching off real life stuff but it's not offensive (yet) and hey, heat is heat.

  41. I've never liked comedy wrestling and laughing at midgets (little people?) seems cruel. Sometimes It is hard being a wrestling an who struggles to turn my political filter off.

  42. I dunno - there seem to be more logical feuds going on now than I can remember. Zeb & Swagger vs. Ceasro / Wyatt vs. Cena (logical in the context of creepy halloween crap), Bryan vs. The Corporation / The Shield vs. The Corporation. It's cool!

  43. Sycho Sid, Survivor Series '96.

  44. I like the Rocky 4 vibe.

  45. Of course, of course

  46. TJ: Wes Welker apparently went all Million Dollar Man after winning big in the Kentucky Derby, handing out hundred dollar bills to people left and right.

  47. I can see Rusev vs. Cesaro pretty soon. That might be pretty sweet. The thing is Rusev's an easy heel and nobody really knows what Cesaro is yet. He can't be a face because he's with Heyman who's a heel. He can't be a heel because the fans love him too much.

  48. I like when Al Snow went with that deer head. He was seen backstage playing cards and the sight of that thing with a lit cigar in it's mouth cracked me up.

  49. He's Swiss. That means he's neutral!

  50. He should have gone full dibiase and made them eat horseshit or run the track on all fours for the cash!

  51. Scott Hall, Wrestlemania X

  52. Oh yeah the shock stick was fucking awesome. As an early 90's WWF fan, when I heard uday Hussein carried one around that also had a retractable blade he jumped above his dad as a heel in my book for running with the Mounties old gimmick.

  53. Yeah but at least some of us can jerk off to the ending!

  54. This really warms the heart!


  55. #TheSofterSideOfParallax

  56. and it's not "just a punch": I mean, you could argue that Big Show could punch his opponents anytime in the match, but running towards that opponent and jumping into the air will very likely result in the opponent to counter the move. so in kayfabe, this makes a lot more sense to me.

  57. So glad you said this. All the pig-headed comments lately have made m........couldn't do it. Almost go to the end though

  58. I think it's pretty awful and won't work (= in the sense of: will not turn Rusev into a big deal and maybe damage his career in a way that he will hardly recover from).

  59. btw: afaik "midget" is considered an insult. if that's true it should not be used the way it is in this and the other thread.

  60. I loved the "transition" he used.

  61. Robert Bradley CurranMay 5, 2014 at 5:18 PM

    I like that he's made it the Diamond Cutter of heel talking points. He can transition to it from anything!

  62. Oh, it's not the first time he's found a way to kill an ECW chant.

  63. You wonder why people make fun of you

  64. I'll say the same to you I said to Tommy Hall years ago: it's just my stupid opinion about an ultimately meaningless thing that's just my own dumb nagging pet peeve. Do you.

    And in any case, you're right, it was a really good show.

  65. Mister_E_Studd_Got100ProblemsMay 5, 2014 at 5:34 PM

    Well, you did.

  66. Yeah, almost every finishing move is nothing but a dressed-up version of much more simple, common move. Why the fuck not a punch? He's a beast of an athlete jumping high enough to dunk a basketball coming down on you midair like it's the goddamn hammer of Thor.

  67. I think Lana's going to be the breakout star of the duo here. I mean, just look at her.

  68. Wonder? I know exactly why.

  69. Justin's sister or was he doing a Santina gimmick?

  70. Yes! A thousand times yes!

  71. I laugh harder and harder the more I read this.

  72. More people were talking about Lawler's shtick than Austin's promo, unless you count the fact that he supposedly insulted the bible and managed to say "ass" unbleeped. My friends were talking about Lawler's rant against fat people ("when you wear blue, do people try and stick letters in you?") than anything Austin said or did.

    In fact, history incorrectly records what happened to Austin after that promo. He didn't instantly set the world on fire, neither in the ring, in other promos or with the fans. He was fucking about with Mero, Yokozuna and Helmsley before Bret Hart came back and saved him from curtain-jerking purgatory. It wasn't until that feud that people start noticing him on a major level.

  73. The Love-Matic Grampa!May 5, 2014 at 6:20 PM

    Cats are awesome and smart. Yeah, you can train a dog to fetch slippers and junk but cats don't give a shit and will just walk away if you try that garbage. "Fuck you, dude, get your own shoes."

  74. The Love-Matic Grampa!May 5, 2014 at 6:26 PM

    Then he tried to blame it on joedust.

  75. I'm kinda with you. For '90s Raw matches, that's pretty high on the rating. And it was a damn good match.

  76. That WrestleMania 10 through... 13? 14? theme was so wrong for the show.

  77. TheOriginalDonaldMay 5, 2014 at 9:02 PM

    MINE! He...nice-George "The Animal" Steele

  78. Bryan just knocking Kane out with a tire iron like a gangster was awesome and kind of overshadowed by the forklift stunt. But the headbutt did wake up the crowd so no complaints.

  79. You know, I wrote this song thinking of Scott's daughter. And I am also trying to join an elementary school as teacher and be with little girls there!

  80. I am Joedust.

  81. the crowbar shot did nothing for me once he threw it on the ground and it neither bounced nor clanged. then it started bending when he went at it again, and someone off-camera mis-timed a sound effect when he threw it on the ground again.

  82. Little Johnny...vs. Little Jimmy. BOOK IT.

  83. Jef Vinson (Homewreckers Inc™)May 6, 2014 at 6:16 AM


  84. I loved how effortlessly Ambrose put the Figure Four on his opponents. It was a fluid and superbly executed move.

    Compare to the tortured, slow, and usually sloppy way the Miz put it on (and couldn't even do it properly half the time).

  85. AverageJoeEverymanMay 6, 2014 at 7:07 AM

    he should tell Cena that he is going to become his moms favorite wrestler.

  86. Ah. I was watching it with the sound off while multitasking, and I already knew I liked it better that way for not having to hear JBL/Cole/Lawler but it also made that part of the match cooler apparently!

  87. It's not even anywhere difficult to apply

  88. It was ridiculous in a good way.

  89. That could've been real bad if they had any malfunctions or driving difficulties with the forklift.

  90. The Immortal Hoke OganMay 6, 2014 at 9:09 AM

    Damien. (The snake, not the luchadore)

  91. The Immortal Hoke OganMay 6, 2014 at 9:11 AM

    Favorite: Gene Okerlund during a Ric Flair promo.

  92. Especially when you stick your d-



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