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PG Era Rant: Raw, 5.19.14

When last we left our heroes, reality struck. The champ found himself on the shelf for some time with a neck injury, leaving us with either an undefended title or a need to crown an interim champion. Which would the Authority choose, and what would happen going forward?

The PG Era Rant for Raw, May 19, 2014. If Kane hears what day it is and has an epic freakout, this show gets a minimum 6 rating.

Not quite live from England.

Your hosts are the Three Stooges.

Your pre-show notes:

SIR NOT APPEARING ON THIS RAW: No one. The pre-show is from WWE HQ and is just the core three.
SUPERSTARS MATCHES: I don't know – they aren't in the arena.
RAW HYPE: Seth Rollins against Batista, with everyone banned from ringside; Ruling on the WWE Title; Three-match Beat the Clock Challenge to take on Bad News Barrett at Payback for the I-C gold (Big E Langston vs Ryback; Rob Van Dam vs Alberto Del Rio; Mark Henry vs Dolph Ziggler); John Cena faces Luke Harper; Antonio Cesaro and Sheamus meet again.

Also on the pre-show, it was announced that Shield/Evolution will be a no-DQ elimination-style match at Payback.

The Wyatts interrupt the Then/Now/Forever and are leading the arena in a singalong. Wyatt calls this something real and wants the arena to share as he keeps the singing going. He says that every night, we dream. It's when the minds come up with ideas. We remember things – horrible travesties of the past. But in the dreams, we are superheroes who fix everything. We dream of Payback. Just like that, though, we wake up and reality sets in. We look in the mirror and remember that we're not heroes. We can't fix everything. So we bottle up the rage and live our lives as if nothing's wrong, but everything is wrong. Wyatt will fix that, though. He used to have a mean old teacher who looked down on him and reminded him repeatedly that he would never be anything. She believed the book was the truth and Wyatt was a lie. So Bray went up to her and asked why the teacher was so much better, smarter, etc. Is it because of college? So she could wave a diploma around the world and force-feed the children propaganda? The teacher's reply was that Bray was rotten and stood for nothing. “The first time I looked in your eyes, I knew... that you were evil.” This makes Bray laugh. And the crowd cheer. But Bray's proud to say that the teacher is in a retirement home rotting from regrets, while he stands as a conqueror and revolutionary. “Miss Teacher Lady, look at me right now! I got the whole damn world in my hands!” This sets off another sing-along. That is Bray's Payback: his ends justify the means. But the teacher was right when she called Bray evil. He is the necessary evil that must exist for balance. “I AM EVIL!” His tongue is a scorpion's tail. And when it strikes, people get behind him because he offers hope. Meanwhile, John Cena (boo) just plays the role of hero while the world burns. But Bray promises that at Payback, the fairy tale ends, and he'll be the Last Man Standing, or else no one will stand again. But tonight, Luke Harper will put John Cena down. The crowd is very much in favor of this.

Which is why they start booing when John Cena's music hits. Harper and Rowan are sent to the aise to cut Cena off... but he comes through the crowd and gives Bray the AA. Then when Harper and Rowan enter, he exits. Cena with a wink to Harper as his music plays. The crowd sings that John Cena sucks.

The announcers welcome us to England as we update you on Daniel Bryan: he's still injured. The surgery was a success. He is convalescing at home right now, but is out indefinitely. We now look back at Stephanie's announcement... not happening because Kane beat Bryan into the hospital. Tonight, we'll find out what happens with the WWE Title.

Today's assignment: explain why John Cena's the bad guy against a man who is pure evil. Hint: this is not possible.

Paul Heyman introduces himself (with the crowd chanting along) and he lets us know that... wait, stop. The cameras broadcast live around the world, so get this straight: the people in the ring are stars, and the fans are wannabes. Worship the ground Cesaro walks on and the microphone into which Heyman speaks. Because MY CLIENT... holy hell, the England fans chant along with THAT, too. So Heyman lies down on the ground and says he's not a dead Queen Elizabeth. He's the Undertaker at WrestleMania. Only he can sit up, which the Undertaker couldn't, because... no, they chant again. This crowd is messed up. Just like how tonight, Cesaro will emasculate Sheamus.

Sheamus v. Antonio Cesaro. Non-title. This match gets a hashtag, thanks to how awesome Main Event was. Lockup, but it goes nowhere. The crowd is singing Stars and Stripes Forever (okay, I kid, it's an Engerland soccer chant) as Cesaro gives a clean break... and slaps Sheamus, who beats down Cesaro and goes straight to the Ten of Clubs. But Heyman stops it and pulls Cesaro away. Sheamus follows him out and chases, with Cesaro catching him back in and stomping away. Cesaro with an uppercut, but Sheamus blocks the hiptoss into a lariat. Cesaro tries to escape, and it's Ten of Clubs time again. This one is done right, but the Celtic Cross is escaped and Cesaro bails again. The chase starts up again, but this time Sheamus is ready and intercepts Cesaro with a shot to the gut. Sheamus throws Cesaro back in, and he rolls to the other apron to get a Hotshot on Sheamus. Punches in the corner follow, including an uppercut, as the crowd chants for JBL for no reason. Sheamus reverses a corner whip and gets a running high knee and slingshot shoulder block for one. Crowd is so enthralled they chant for Lawler. Sheamus airballs a bodypress and goes to the outside as go to break before the fans can chant for Michael Cole.

Sheamus/Cesaro, part two. Sheamus tackles down Cesaro, who recovers quickly and lands uppercuts. Hammer Throw leads to a sleeper by Cesaro. Heyman coaches Cesaro during the hold, but Sheamus fights to his feet and punches out. Polish Hammers cue the comeback, but he dives shoulder-first into the post. Cesaro tries the apron superplex, and even though Sheamus has to go to the bottom rope, it works for two. And one. Crowd wants a Swing. Cesaro charges straight into the Irish Curse for two. Yes, Paul, just two. Sheamus throws Cesaro into the corner and gets a running high knee and Finlay Roll for two. Sheamus tries a powerslam, but Cesaro uppercuts his back only to run into an elbow. Cesaro with a massive Hammer Throw into the buckle. Crowd wants the Swing again, but Sheamus kicks Cesaro away and pulls himself to the top rope. He dives off... right into an uppercut for two. Crowd doesn't care about the match because there's no Swing. Cesaro picks Sheamus up and is instantly clotheslined down. The men slug it out on their knees, but Cesaro's up first, bearly. He charges, but is caught in an Oklahoma Slam for two. Heyman is on the apron to distract the referee and throw his jacket in the ring, but this allows Cesaro to get a German Suplex with bridge for the pin at 12:27. **1/2 Should've been more, but the crowd was just sitting around waiting for the Swing. Sheamus smiles at Cesaro and mock applauds him. “You got me.” He offers a handshake, which Cesaro goes to accept... and walks through. Sheamus puts this one to memory.

We found out during the Pre-Show that the six-man match is now under Elimination Rules and No DQ Rules. This brings us to look back at Reigns/Batista last week. Reigns, meanwhile, got a HUGE gash over his right eye from a match with Randy Orton in Glasgow. This brings us to tonight: Seth Rollins and Batista will face off, one on one, with no teammates allowed at ringside.

My minion's line: “The last time I've seen a crowd this excited for a handsome European man swinging with an ugly middle aged guy it was at a George Michael concert.” I know... not PG.

WWE App – 12 million strong not watching ads on USA Network.

Tonight, the role of the Spanish announce table is being played by the German announce table.

Beat the Clock match #1 of 3: Big E Langston v. Ryback. Just saying that Bad News Barrett is the champ gets a pop. Neither Langston nor Ryback get entrances. My watch gets the match off. Ryback say that just like Big Ben, the clock is ticking on Langston. (It's an inset promo.) Lockup, and Ryback with a headlock and tackle for one. Langston a headlock and tackle back for one. Ryback with kneelifts and some right hands, but a Hammer Throw is reversed to a clothesline by Langston for one. Langston with another right, then a shoulder ram in the corner, but he runs into a back elbow for two. Ryback with a straight kick, and he punches Langston down. He runs into a Greco-Roman throw, however, which gets one. Axel jumps on the apron, allowing Ryback to clip Langston and stomp away. Crowd chants for Barrett as Ryback gets a suplex for one. Ryback with some clubs to the face for one. Ryback works Langston over in the corner with uppercuts and body blows, then some chops. Ryback kicks Langston with a backheel for two after a snapmare. Ryback with a short-arm shoulder tackle. Then another one. A third try leads to a belly-to-belly suplex and Ultimate Splash try, but Ryback catches him in a standing spinebuster for two. Ryback does the King Kong pound to set up the Meathook, which connects for two. Twice. And a one for good measure. Three ain't enough, he got five! Crowd is sick of this match and wants Barrett in. Ryback tries a powerbomb, but Langston jumps over the top, floors both him and Axel, and lands the Big Ending to win at 5:02. HE NEEDS FIVE! These two should never be in a Beat the Clock match this early. 1/2*

Coming up: John Cena will face Luke Harper in the main event.

Okay – the next Legends' House is just crazy enough to have a chance at being entertaining. Let's hope.

Last week, Eva Marie, Xavier Woods, NXT wrestlers, and Special Olympians met at the Performance Center. WWE is a main sponsor of the Special Olympics.

R-Truth is dancing with the Funkadactyls. The crowd is loving it. Although they might like his opponent's entrance a little bit more...

R-Truth and ??? v. Fandango and Layla. Announcers argue over Fandango and Layla being very public about their affection. JBL even breaks the word “Fuddy-duddy” out of mothballs. BUT WAIT! Summer Rae is in town and charging to the ring. Fandango tries to keep the peace, but Summer Rae grabs him and kisses him HARD. This means one thing: CATFIGHT! Crowd gives this a YES. Fandango pulls Layla away. No match, which is why I have no idea which Funkadactyl was supposed to be R-Truth's partner.

Up next: what happens to the championship?

Do you Bo-Lieve? Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. Bo is the One Percent.

Ah, there's the delusional Bo Dallas we know and love.

Total Divas gets a Season 3. We're currently drawing straws to figure out who doesn't review it.

Hey, that's Daniel Bryan's music... wait, Daniel Bryan's music? And it's Stephanie instead doing Daniel's entrance. Never gets old. Crowd turns on a dime from YES to NO. Stephanie's smirk as the crowd boos her is great. “You know, tonight you really should all be chanting YES.” Daniel Bryan's surgery was a success. And man, what a story Bryan has – winning the gold at Mania, marrying his sweetheart, seeing the wedding on Total Divas... Daniel Bryan and his chant are inspirations. It doesn't matter who it is, even everyday people “like you and I... well, like you.” And Daniel Bryan wants to come back because he's the People's Champion. And the fans need an ACTIVE champion. Therefore, since Daniel Bryan is convalescing at home... and cue Bad News Barrett on the Tron saying that it's BAD NEWS.

Stephanie's impression of Barrett causes the crowd to go from cheering to booing. She is contemplating vacating the title and awarding it to Kane. (Crowd goes into a massive NO at this point.) Or, it could be just awarded to Barrett. (Crowd prefers that. “You're so predictable.”) Why not award it to Batista? (Crowd HATES that.) Seriously, though, the champ should be HHH. (Crowd REALLY hates that.) But in all seriousness, the title will not be vacated. (YAY!) But, she will demand that Daniel Bryan show up at Raw and do the right thing – surrender the title. Because it's Best For Business, don't you know.

JBL on commentary brings up a great point: it's not Bryan's championship, but the WWE's.

Tonight: Seth Rollins will face Batista with no help for either side! Plus, John Cena will go against Luke Harper!

Ahem. So, did you really think they'd settle the issue of the WWE Title on a pre-taped show instead of a Live Raw? WELL. I'M AFRAID I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS! Hey... that was fun.

Heath Slater (representing the Union Jacks) v. Alexander Rusev. Heath Slater plays face as the lead of the Union Jacks – which is 3MB in disguise. But this won't end well. Lana gets on everyone's bad side by comparing Britain to America. Crowd: “WHO ARE YA?” As with always, Putin gets more heel heat than Lana OR Rusev. Lana says America and England will be Russian satellites in the future. Massive Eng-er-land chant. Rusev says stuff in Bulgarian. Slater tries to dive on Rusev and gets caught and slammed. Mahal eats steps. McIntyre is similarly disposed of. Now the bell rings. Slater mule kicks Rusev and fights back, but gets squashed against the ropes. Sambo Slam into a Catatonic follows, and Rusev Crush ends it at 42 seconds. Squash.

The Shield is in an undisclosed location. Ambrose says that HHH was talking about teaching the Shield a lesson before hiding behind a set of thugs. Seems like Evolution's afraid of the Shield. At Payback, Ambrose wants an Evolution that WANTS to fight. Is the eye injury a brand of justice? Reigns shows his nine stitches, but is that all they got? Is that the best shot? If so, they're in deep trouble. You knock the Shield down, but they keep standing tall. Rollins says Evolution doesn't get it. They keep trying to take them out. Yeah, when Rollins met Batista, he made a mistake, and Batista took advantage... then beat Rollins half to death and tried to end his career. But he failed. He didn't get it done. And tonight, Rollins won't make a mistake. Believe it.

Up next: a five-minute match between Rob Van Dam and Alberto Del Rio.

Sorry, I don't see Rusev as making it big. I've given him six weeks... it's not working for me. He has no charisma.

Beat the Clock match #2 of 3 (clock stands at 5:02): Alberto Del Rio v. Rob Van Dam. This match really should have gone first. Alberto in an inset promo says he's doing this for the children to be their role model. Del Rio with a go-behind, but RVD gets some cradles for one each time. Del Rio kicks away and gets a Drive-By kick for two. Big E Langston hopes his time holds as Del Rio gets a suplex for two. RVD with a monkey flip and Del Rio bails. RVD throws him back in, but he walks into the superkick to send him back out of the ring. Back in, it gets two. Del Rio to the chinlock (in a Beat the Clock match?), which RVD fights out of to his feet. He punches out, then ducks a clothesline to get a few of his own and a superkick. Running legdrop gets one, brother. Del Rio with the Backstabber for two. Del Rio calls for the armbar, but RVD with a high kick to stop it and a flip senton. RVD to the top, but the Five Star airballs. Oklahoma Roll by Del Rio gets two. Del Rio argues the count, then backs RVD into the corner. Step-up enzuigiri connects, getting two. Del Rio is too stymied to make a move, and the low superkick misses as RVD rolls Del Rio up... for the pin? Yes, and the time is lowered to 4:15. Match had no heat because everyone was certain that it would go the distance. *1/4

Our main event is John Cena against Luke Harper!

And that's why that match should've gone first. Those two didn't even break a sweat out there. Give them a long match and have the five minutes top it. Unless, of course, RVD is winning this thing. I don't know; I didn't read the spoilers.

NXT Takeover airs May 29! Main event is Adrian Neville against Tyson Kidd!

We look back at what Bray Wyatt said and what John Cena did.

Renee Young is with John Cena. “They didn't see me.” Renee asks about Cena's gameplan, but it's the same as when he beat Rowan. Step One: get the Usos for backup. He knows the arena believes in Wyatt's message. So the odds may be even in the ring, but there's a sense of desperation. He knows it'll be the same at Payback... and he loves it. So what does he do when things get desperate? He doesn't run, he doesn't quit, he fights. He will fight to the very end. The Usos are the Champs, and Cena has the heart of a champion. They all do something while beating their chests, and the Usos fire up the crowd as they leave.

Meanwhile, Evolution says it's just the beginning. Roman's eye injury is the start. Orton says that they need to take the Shield out one by one, and maybe then they'll learn. HHH says there's blood in the water and tells Batista to finish it tonight so he doesn't make it to Payback. Batista promises to do it by himself. That is next.

So, uh, are they really turning crowds heel? Or will Bray be exposed? Or is Cena turning heel? They're stuck in a corner and I don't see a satisfactory way out.

Your Main Event main event is Mark Henry facing Antonio Cesaro.

Seth Rollins v. Batista. Oh, wait, I forgot: the official word was that only officials were allowed at ringside. So HHH is the special guest ring announcer. See, as COO, it's HHH's job to make the match a big deal, so he announces Randy Orton as the guest timekeeper. Everyone but JBL knows what's going on. Cole calls it the most ridiculous thing he's ever seen... but I think we've seen it before. Rollins, though, has an idea: Ambrose and Reigns are guest commentators for this match. JBL is indignant. So is HHH. Batista is not happy. HHH and Orton drop all pretense and coach Batista, who smashes Rollins around and gets a clothesline. Batista does shoulder rams, but Rollins recovers with chops and ten punches. He stomps a mudhole in Batista as Ambrose taunts JBL. He heads out, but Batista stops him and sends him into the barricade. Back in, Oklahoma Slam try is reversed to an enzuigiri as we go to break.

In case you're wondering how the Shield got away with this, Ambrose implied on commentary that they beat up Brad Maddox until Brad allowed them to be on commentary. Awesome.

Rollins/Batista, part two. Rollins is dumped to the outside, and Batista follows and throws him into the steps. Batista sends Rollins headfirst into the steps as JBL says he's the only unbiased person on commentary. Back in, Batista chokes Rollins and baseball slides him to the ground. HHH stalks Rollins but backs off. Back in, Batista hits the chinlock. It goes to a bodyscissors sleeper, with Batista adding blows to the back of the head. Ambrose: “Roman Reigns' Mother hit him harder than that when he was growing up.” Rollins with a jawbreaker and some chops, but he runs into a back elbow from Batista for two. Hammer Throw by Batista and HHH taunts Rollins. Batista chokes Rollins away on the second rope as Cole notes neither HHH nor Orton is where they belong. Ya think so? Batista pulls Rollins to the top and follows, but Rollins gets headbutts to knock Batista down and follows with the Buff Blockbuster. Rollins charges into a boot, though, but Batista puts his head down and Rollins takes advantage. HHH urges Batista to get up, but this time, the charge leads to consecutive forearm smashes. Batista ducks one in the center of the ring, but Rollins flips over and gets a dropkick to knock Batista out of the ring. Rollins follows with a tope suicida to Batista. Back in, but Orton trips Rollins to get his attention. This gets Ambrose and Reigns off commentary. Rollins rolls through on a springboard but runs into a spinebuster as all four men have abandoned all pretense of being officials. Batista preps for the spear, but Rollins kicks him away and lands a springboard kneesmash for two. Rollins goes up top, but HHH shoves him off as Orton distracts the ref. Ambrose attacks HHH, Orton follows onto Ambrose, and Reigns finds Orton. Orton takes out Reigns with a chair. He looks for another, but Ambrose goes on the table sprint and takes Orton out. HHH grabs Ambrose and sends him into the post. MEANWHILE IN THE RING, Rollins goes after HHH and gets KO'd for the DQ at 13:44. Batista spears Rollins. HHH tries a Pedigree, but Ambrose sends HHH flying. He distracts Batista enough for Reigns to get a spear on Batista. Triplebomb teased to Batista, but HHH distracts and Orton pulls Batista out. Hard to call the rating on this match because way too much was going on, but I'll say *3/4. It entertained, I'll give it that.

Our main event: John Cena (with the Usos) against Luke Harper (with Rowan and Bray).

Those two seemed a bit off tonight. Maybe it was because the four people at ringside were a bigger story. I mean... if you're going to say no one at ringside, you better deliver. Otherwise, you're walking in place. Still, the Payback match should deliver, even if Orton appears to be the main casualty. Eh... he'll get over it.

The Slam of the Week is Alicia Fox losing her mind after losing to Paige.

Alicia Fox v. Paige. England cheers loudly for Paige. Fox with a straight high kick to open, adding an uppercut but putting her head down. Paige with headbutts and a hairpull slam, then another, as she shrieks. Fox bails, so Paige follows and gets caught and throws into the barricade before being knocked off of it. Back in, it gets two. Fox slams Paige's head into the mat repeatedly. Crowd tries to rally Paige as Fox picks her up, getting a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two. Fox slaps Paige around, then gets a Hammer Throw. Fox tosses Paige into the corner repeatedly, before getting a headlock, but Paige reverses to the Paige Turner for two. A second tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Fox, and she tosses Paige into the post. A high kick flattens Paige in the corner, and Fox drags her to the center for the pin at 3:24. Crowd really didn't see that coming. The Payback rematch is going to be fun. *3/4 Fox celebrates with Lawler's crown.

When the show began, Bray Wyatt and Luke Harper and John Cena and so on.

We go back to the Wyatts, as Harper says Cena is playing a very dangerous game. The snake is tired, little mouse. So come out, wherever you are. Bray, meanwhile, notes the great hero has reinforcements. The Usos – brothers by blood, but fools. Dominoes in a line. They will all fall down. Run.

Yeah, I'm gonna get in trouble, but Alicia Fox really brought it tonight. She and Paige were impressive. The match was as long as it had to be and no longer. Everything hit, there was no downtime, and the story of Fox and Paige advances. Like I said, I look forward to Payback, and I never thought I'd say that.

Beat the Clock match #3 of 3 (clock stands at 4:15): Mark Henry v. Dolph Ziggler. Both men are faces, but Dolph is much more over. Dolph says in an inset promo that he loves the Beat the Clock format... but Mark Henry runs in on his promo to shut him up. Yup. Dolph bounces off of Henry a few times. A big tackle and Dolph is down. Oklahoma Slam follows for two. Dolph goes to the apron, so Henry hiptosses him over the ropes back in. Dolph falls out to the other side (tick tick tick) as Henry figures he can take a countout and RVD watches. Dolph pulls himself in, but gets Hammer Thrown only to get an elbow up. He dives over Henry and gets a Famouser (sort of) for two. Henry throws Dolph out. It takes a while for Ziggler to return as the clock keeps ticking, but Dolph gets a dropkick. More laying around selling, but a second dropkick connects. He finally covers for two. Both men see there's only a minute left, and the crowd is behind Dolph big. Dolph flies, but Henry catches him into a British Bulldog slam for two. Henry stares at the clock, then lifts Dolph up for the World's Strongest Slam, but Dolph reverses to the Zig Zag... and runs out of time at 4:15. 1/2*

So it's RVD against Barrett at Payback. RVD is out to celebrate – and Bad News Barrett knocks him out with a Bullhammer from behind. He's got Bad News: Rob Van Dam may have beaten the clock, but now he has to fight Barrett. Not now, obviously, because right now in London, Barrett's capital city... we are in the home of Greenwich Mean Time. Rob may have set the best time, but England sets the world's time. And there's no way in the world this Englishman will lose to a bloody Yank. Crowd eats it up as Rue Britannia plays.

Our main event is John Cena and Luke Harper, one on one! But neither one will be alone!

And that is why Langston and Ryback went first. I understand using RVD to put Barrett over, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. The crowd desperately wanted Dolph to at least get a shot.

Earlier tonight, Stephanie McMahon told Daniel Bryan to show up next week and do the right thing.

Renee Young is in the ring to interview Adam Rose and his entourage. JBL: “How did that stupid bunny get through customs?” JBL doesn't like bunnies. Crowd is singing along to his theme. Rose says hello to London and wants a cheeseburger. As in the guy dressed as a cheeseburger. Ethan. Who has sesame seeds on his buns. Nothing a doctor can't clear up. He then asks a Captain America woman to be his nurse. Renee asks what a Rosebud is. Adam: “It means to not be a lemon.” More singing by the crowd. JBL is worried that this will catch on. Renee brings up Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter. Rose says he's not targeting them, he just wants them to stop being grumpy pantses. And now the bunny dances. JBL: “That bunny's got mad cow.”

Before we go any further, Swagger and Colter come out, and the crowd sings to THEIR music too. Colter: “Adam Rose, just the it I was looking for.” Colter says Rose has questionable morals and hangs out with Woodstock rejects. He wants Renee out of the ring. (Crowd sings Rose's theme, with the entourage's encouragement.) Colter enters the ring, as does Swagger, though Colter calls Swagger off. Colter wants everyone to listen: Rose and his vermin are the problem in America. And if you hang around here, they'll be the problem in England too. He doesn't know how they got past customs, but Rose fits better with “these freaks” than with Americans. Crowd sings Rose's theme again. Colter: “Enough you hedonistic... people!” Colter tries to chew out Rose some more, but the crowd is too much on Colter's case. Colter wants to know what “germs” are in the ring. But here's his problem: Rose has been embarrassing Colter, and he doesn't like that. So he wants to resolve it. He wants to face Rose. Yes, ZEB COLTER wants to face Adam Rose. Crowd wants this. Rose looks to his entourage for approval...

...and Swagger attacks. He backs off the Exotic Express by himself, taking particular glee in menacing a guy with a pink suit, but Rose is back and fighting. Swagger rolls out and is knocked off the apron. Crowd loves it. Rose: “Sometimes, Renee, you've got to fight; but it's party time ALL THE TIME!” JBL is apoplectic as Rose and company dance. The crowd was WAY into this segment.

Up next: Cena! Harper! Backup! Main event!

That segment may have just MADE Adam Rose. Now when he beats Swagger it'll be the start of something good.

Life is not measured in length, but in moments. Get stronger, and you will be better. Bo-Lieve. He debuts on SmackDown this Friday. You're welcome, Tommy.

In addition, Hulk Hogan will be on the show. You're VERY welcome, Tommy.

Main event: John Cena (with Jimmy Uso and Jey Uso) v. Luke Harper (with Bray Wyatt and Erick Rowan). Cena encourages people to sing about how he sucks. Bray mentions they're in London because they want people to turn him face. As a reminder: Cena vs Wyatt, Last Man Standing, will be on Payback. Harper bulrushes Cena into a corner and pounds away, dropping Cena as the crowd does their dueling chants. Hammer Throw to Cena. Harper points to Bray and picks Cena up, but Cena reverses and gets a bulldog and big boot for one. Harper fakes a reversal, but misses a blind charge. Might have been a botch. Pumphandle fallaway slam by Harper gets two as we go to break.

Main event, part two. Harper stares at Bray as he picks up Cena and uppercuts him. A clothesline misses, and Cena gets one, but Harper recovers with a big boot for two. Gator Roll follows, into a suplex for two. The crowd appears to be singing John Cena Sucks. Cena tries an STF, but it goes nowhere. He recovers with the Protoslam, and the five-knuckle shuffle draws a mixed reaction... and a German suplex from Harper for two. Now the crowd is singing... for Adam Rose. Big boot by Harper misses and Harper flies over the top. Back in, another Protoslam, and this time the five-knuckle shuffle connects. AA try, but Harper slides out and gets a wheelbarrow slam for two. Harper sets up a piledriver, but Cena backdrops out only to be caught with a headscissors and dropkick (!!?!?). And then, because no one told Harper he weighs 280, a tope suicida. More singing for Rose. Harper tries to connect with Bray, then charges right into an elbow and Tornado DDT for two. This leads to a Double KO as Bray says something to Rowan. Crowd now chants Fruity Pebbles. Cena with a rana (improperly sold by Harper), but Harper with a NASTY superkick for two. Harper puts Cena on the top, and he teases the BURNING HAMMER, but goes for a neckbreaker instead for two. Crowd is running out of things to say and has to follow the match as Cena gets a clothesline off of a charge. Crowd sings for Bray. Cena is visibly distracted, and Harper gets a sunset flip that Cena reverses to the STF. Harper makes the ropes. Rowan enters the ring, so Jimmy superkicks him out and Jey dives onto everyone. Bray with Sister Abigail to Jimmy and Jey, but Cena low bridges out Bray before turning into the Michinoku Driver for two. This Is Awesome. AA out of nowhere, but Rowan runs Cena over for the DQ at 12:30. Dammit, this match needed a finish. ***1/4 The Usos are still groggy, so it's a 3-on-1 for the time being. INVERTED LOOK OF DOOM to Cena (who is being held up by Rowan), but Cena knocks down Rowan only to run into Sister Abigail. Harper groggily gets up as we see the whole arena singing for Bray. Harper and Rowan toss Cena out and follow, mugging him up the aisle. Harper tells Rowan to go up the ramp as he picks Cena up. Harper tosses Cena into Rowan, who gives him a fallaway slam on the ramp. Bray picks him up at the stage, and it's one more Sister Abigail's Kiss for the road. Crowd gives it a YES. Bray starts a singalong as Harper counts to 10. Well, he stops at 9 because the point's been made. Then, 20 seconds later, he says 10. Point made, we end the show.


A very up and down show. I was ready to write it off when the crowd showed disinterest in Sheamus/Cesaro, and Langston/Ryback means nothing to me, but the last 45 minutes picked it up quite a bit. Heck, Alicia Fox even looked impressive!

The crowd seems to be... well, it's a little distracting sometimes, which is too bad. I don't understand why, if you like what's happening, you don't play along. You love Bray Wyatt as a heel? Boo him. Do you love Colter and Swagger? Boo them, don't sing their music. I'll grant them Barrett as a homeland hero, though.

All in all, the show started slowly but picked up quite nicely at the end. Just moving the chains tonight.


MATCH TIME: 56:19 over eight matches
BEST MATCH: Cena/Harper
WORST MATCH: Rusev/Slater
NIGHT MVP: Rob Van Dam

FINAL RATING: Honestly, the end of the show drags this up to a 6. Stories were advanced, there were two decent matches, and the Divas match that didn't embarrass itself. Plus, Rose and Swagger had the show-stealing segment.

Matt is up next, Scott has NXT, and Tommy is doing SmackDown. Logan looks back at 1998 WWF, Tommy is setting the plate for a look at the most important night in the Wars, and Brian will get the next show up in Blog of Doom Wrestling. I'm outta here. Cult, Jobber, the floor to call me a worthless waste of bandwidth is yours, you crazy bastards. I feed on your pain.


  1. " a worthless waste of bandwidth"

    You just described WrestleZone

  2. Forget Roman Reigns, if Luke Harper isn't a top guy by next year that's a true waste. Guy is freaking incredible in the ring for his size.

  3. The way he stains that T-shirt.... AMAZING

  4. And keeps his hankie in his back pocket without it falling out.

  5. Main event pit stains

  6. That Stephanie segment was awesome.

  7. Odd that Hogan is only going to be on Smackdown.

  8. Don't know what the chest beating thing was cena and usos were doing......... but I havent laughed that hard during a pro wrestling show in a long time. That was awesome

  9. Wolf of Wall Street

  10. Hmm, well..he botches all of his lines.

  11. Damn that's rite. Ok. I'm glad I forgot bout that cuz then it wouldn't have been as funny. My friend likes cena but said he hopes he don't keep doin that cuz even he will start booing him.

  12. CruelConnectionNumber2May 19, 2014 at 10:01 PM

    Fantastic review, as always.

  13. I want a Kane 3:16 shirt!

  14. "Well you know it's so great being here in Wobbly Stadium, brother!"

  15. Not even Jeff Hardy could do that.

  16. "Go to the WWF Network now!"

  17. ARRRRGH THE BARBARIANMay 19, 2014 at 10:29 PM

    If they boo Bray Wyatt, does that mean they have to cheer Neon Cena? Or do they just ignore him and boo the heel because that sure wouldn't be distracting.

  18. I was so pissed that RVD's match didn't go five seconds longer so the winning time would be 4:20.

  19. If WWE wants Bray Wyatt to be a heel then he needs to start acting like a heel and stop encouraging the crowd to sing along with him. That schtick needs to end yesterday. What is up with heels these days who refuse to act like heels?

  20. ARRRRGH THE BARBARIANMay 19, 2014 at 10:36 PM

    The angle is that he's supposed to be swaying people away from Cena. If he wasn't actually swaying people away from John Cena, this would be an epic adventure in pointlessness. Which it is pretty much already, but I digress.

    Generally though, if the WWE wants anyone to be a heel, they should keep them far, far away from John Cena, because everyone short of Rusev might get face heat from facing Cena.

  21. I don't think any more of Kane than anyone else - less, in fact. Much, much less.

    But I didn't mind him as Bryan's first feud - they had a history, and the escalating Tombstones thing was a pretty good over the top way of making Kane a sudden threat.

    I don't think they're cutting his balls off or burying him, I think he took time off to get married, his father died and now he's out of action with neck surgery and his title reign hasn't had a chance to get off the ground yet.


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