When last we left our heroes, reality
struck. The champ found himself on the shelf for some time with a
neck injury, leaving us with either an undefended title or a need to
crown an interim champion. Which would the Authority choose, and
what would happen going forward?
The PG Era Rant for Raw, May 19, 2014.
If Kane hears what day it is and has an epic freakout, this show gets
a minimum 6 rating.
Not quite live from England.
Your hosts are the Three Stooges.
Your pre-show notes:
SIR NOT APPEARING ON THIS RAW: No one.
The pre-show is from WWE HQ and is just the core three.
SUPERSTARS MATCHES: I don't know –
they aren't in the arena.
RAW HYPE: Seth Rollins against Batista,
with everyone banned from ringside; Ruling on the WWE Title;
Three-match Beat the Clock Challenge to take on Bad News Barrett at
Payback for the I-C gold (Big E Langston vs Ryback; Rob Van Dam vs
Alberto Del Rio; Mark Henry vs Dolph Ziggler); John Cena faces Luke
Harper; Antonio Cesaro and Sheamus meet again.
Also on the pre-show, it was announced
that Shield/Evolution will be a no-DQ elimination-style match at
Payback.
The Wyatts interrupt the
Then/Now/Forever and are leading the arena in a singalong. Wyatt
calls this something real and wants the arena to share as he keeps
the singing going. He says that every night, we dream. It's when
the minds come up with ideas. We remember things – horrible
travesties of the past. But in the dreams, we are superheroes who
fix everything. We dream of Payback. Just like that, though, we
wake up and reality sets in. We look in the mirror and remember that
we're not heroes. We can't fix everything. So we bottle up the rage
and live our lives as if nothing's wrong, but everything is wrong.
Wyatt will fix that, though. He used to have a mean old teacher who
looked down on him and reminded him repeatedly that he would never be
anything. She believed the book was the truth and Wyatt was a lie.
So Bray went up to her and asked why the teacher was so much better,
smarter, etc. Is it because of college? So she could wave a diploma
around the world and force-feed the children propaganda? The
teacher's reply was that Bray was rotten and stood for nothing. “The
first time I looked in your eyes, I knew... that you were evil.”
This makes Bray laugh. And the crowd cheer. But Bray's proud to say
that the teacher is in a retirement home rotting from regrets, while
he stands as a conqueror and revolutionary. “Miss Teacher Lady,
look at me right now! I got the whole damn world in my hands!”
This sets off another sing-along. That is Bray's Payback: his ends
justify the means. But the teacher was right when she called Bray
evil. He is the necessary evil that must exist for balance. “I AM
EVIL!” His tongue is a scorpion's tail. And when it strikes,
people get behind him because he offers hope. Meanwhile, John Cena
(boo) just plays the role of hero while the world burns. But Bray
promises that at Payback, the fairy tale ends, and he'll be the Last
Man Standing, or else no one will stand again. But tonight, Luke
Harper will put John Cena down. The crowd is very much in favor of
this.
Which is why they start booing when
John Cena's music hits. Harper and Rowan are sent to the aise to cut
Cena off... but he comes through the crowd and gives Bray the AA.
Then when Harper and Rowan enter, he exits. Cena with a wink to
Harper as his music plays. The crowd sings that John Cena sucks.
The announcers welcome us to England as
we update you on Daniel Bryan: he's still injured. The surgery was a
success. He is convalescing at home right now, but is out
indefinitely. We now look back at Stephanie's announcement... not
happening because Kane beat Bryan into the hospital. Tonight, we'll
find out what happens with the WWE Title.
Today's assignment: explain why John
Cena's the bad guy against a man who is pure evil. Hint: this is not
possible.
Paul
Heyman introduces himself (with the crowd chanting along) and he lets
us know that... wait, stop. The cameras broadcast live around the
world, so get this straight: the people in the ring are stars, and
the fans are wannabes. Worship the ground Cesaro walks on and the
microphone into which Heyman speaks. Because MY CLIENT... holy hell,
the England fans chant along with THAT, too. So Heyman lies down on
the ground and says he's not a dead Queen Elizabeth. He's the
Undertaker at WrestleMania. Only he can sit up, which the Undertaker
couldn't, because... no, they chant again. This crowd is messed up.
Just like how tonight, Cesaro will emasculate Sheamus.
Sheamus v. Antonio Cesaro.
Non-title. This match gets a hashtag, thanks to how awesome Main
Event was. Lockup, but it goes nowhere. The crowd is singing Stars
and Stripes Forever (okay, I kid, it's an Engerland soccer chant) as
Cesaro gives a clean break... and slaps Sheamus, who beats down
Cesaro and goes straight to the Ten of Clubs. But Heyman stops it
and pulls Cesaro away. Sheamus follows him out and chases, with
Cesaro catching him back in and stomping away. Cesaro with an
uppercut, but Sheamus blocks the hiptoss into a lariat. Cesaro tries
to escape, and it's Ten of Clubs time again. This one is done right,
but the Celtic Cross is escaped and Cesaro bails again. The chase
starts up again, but this time Sheamus is ready and intercepts Cesaro
with a shot to the gut. Sheamus throws Cesaro back in, and he rolls
to the other apron to get a Hotshot on Sheamus. Punches in the
corner follow, including an uppercut, as the crowd chants for JBL for
no reason. Sheamus reverses a corner whip and gets a running high
knee and slingshot shoulder block for one. Crowd is so enthralled
they chant for Lawler. Sheamus airballs a bodypress and goes to the
outside as go to break before the fans can chant for Michael Cole.
Sheamus/Cesaro, part two.
Sheamus tackles down Cesaro, who recovers quickly and lands
uppercuts. Hammer Throw leads to a sleeper by Cesaro. Heyman
coaches Cesaro during the hold, but Sheamus fights to his feet and
punches out. Polish Hammers cue the comeback, but he dives
shoulder-first into the post. Cesaro tries the apron superplex, and
even though Sheamus has to go to the bottom rope, it works for two.
And one. Crowd wants a Swing. Cesaro charges straight into the
Irish Curse for two. Yes, Paul, just two. Sheamus throws Cesaro
into the corner and gets a running high knee and Finlay Roll for two.
Sheamus tries a powerslam, but Cesaro uppercuts his back only to run
into an elbow. Cesaro with a massive Hammer Throw into the buckle.
Crowd wants the Swing again, but Sheamus kicks Cesaro away and pulls
himself to the top rope. He dives off... right into an uppercut for
two. Crowd doesn't care about the match because there's no Swing.
Cesaro picks Sheamus up and is instantly clotheslined down. The men
slug it out on their knees, but Cesaro's up first, bearly. He
charges, but is caught in an Oklahoma Slam for two. Heyman is on the
apron to distract the referee and throw his jacket in the ring, but
this allows Cesaro to get a German Suplex with bridge for the pin at
12:27. **1/2
Should've been more, but the crowd was just sitting around waiting
for the Swing. Sheamus smiles at Cesaro and mock applauds him. “You
got me.” He offers a handshake, which Cesaro goes to accept... and
walks through. Sheamus puts this one to memory.
We
found out during the Pre-Show that the six-man match is now under
Elimination Rules and No DQ Rules. This brings us to look back at
Reigns/Batista last week. Reigns, meanwhile, got a HUGE gash over
his right eye from a match with Randy Orton in Glasgow. This brings
us to tonight: Seth Rollins and Batista will face off, one on one,
with no teammates allowed at ringside.
My
minion's line: “The last time I've seen a crowd this excited for a
handsome European man swinging with an ugly middle aged guy it was at
a George Michael concert.” I know... not PG.
WWE
App – 12 million strong not watching ads on USA Network.
Tonight,
the role of the Spanish announce table is being played by the German
announce table.
Beat
the Clock match #1 of 3: Big E Langston v. Ryback.
Just saying that Bad News Barrett is the champ gets a pop. Neither
Langston nor Ryback get entrances. My watch gets the match off.
Ryback say that just like Big Ben, the clock is ticking on Langston.
(It's an inset promo.) Lockup, and Ryback with a headlock and tackle
for one. Langston a headlock and tackle back for one. Ryback with
kneelifts and some right hands, but a Hammer Throw is reversed to a
clothesline by Langston for one. Langston with another right, then a
shoulder ram in the corner, but he runs into a back elbow for two.
Ryback with a straight kick, and he punches Langston down. He runs
into a Greco-Roman throw, however, which gets one. Axel jumps on the
apron, allowing Ryback to clip Langston and stomp away. Crowd chants
for Barrett as Ryback gets a suplex for one. Ryback with some clubs
to the face for one. Ryback works Langston over in the corner with
uppercuts and body blows, then some chops. Ryback kicks Langston
with a backheel for two after a snapmare. Ryback with a short-arm
shoulder tackle. Then another one. A third try leads to a
belly-to-belly suplex and Ultimate Splash try, but Ryback catches him
in a standing spinebuster for two. Ryback does the King Kong pound
to set up the Meathook, which connects for two. Twice. And a one
for good measure. Three ain't enough, he got five! Crowd is sick of
this match and wants Barrett in. Ryback tries a powerbomb, but
Langston jumps over the top, floors both him and Axel, and lands the
Big Ending to win at 5:02. HE NEEDS FIVE! These two should never be
in a Beat the Clock match this early. 1/2*
Coming
up: John Cena will face Luke Harper in the main event.
Okay
– the next Legends' House is just crazy enough to have a chance at
being entertaining. Let's hope.
Last
week, Eva Marie, Xavier Woods, NXT wrestlers, and Special Olympians
met at the Performance Center. WWE is a main sponsor of the Special
Olympics.
R-Truth
is dancing with the Funkadactyls. The crowd is loving it. Although
they might like his opponent's entrance a little bit more...
R-Truth
and ??? v. Fandango and Layla.
Announcers argue over Fandango and Layla being very public about
their affection. JBL even breaks the word “Fuddy-duddy” out of
mothballs. BUT WAIT! Summer Rae is in town and charging to the
ring. Fandango tries to keep the peace, but Summer Rae grabs him and
kisses him HARD. This means one thing: CATFIGHT! Crowd gives this a
YES. Fandango pulls Layla away. No match, which is why I have no
idea which Funkadactyl was supposed to be R-Truth's partner.
Up
next: what happens to the championship?
Do
you Bo-Lieve? Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. Bo is
the One Percent.
Ah,
there's the delusional Bo Dallas we know and love.
Total
Divas gets a Season 3. We're currently drawing straws to figure out
who doesn't review it.
Hey,
that's Daniel Bryan's music... wait, Daniel Bryan's music? And it's
Stephanie instead doing Daniel's entrance. Never gets old. Crowd
turns on a dime from YES to NO. Stephanie's smirk as the crowd boos
her is great. “You know, tonight you really should all be chanting
YES.” Daniel Bryan's surgery was a success. And man, what a story
Bryan has – winning the gold at Mania, marrying his sweetheart,
seeing the wedding on Total Divas... Daniel Bryan and his chant are
inspirations. It doesn't matter who it is, even everyday people
“like you and I... well, like you.” And Daniel Bryan wants to
come back because he's the People's Champion. And the fans need an
ACTIVE champion. Therefore, since Daniel Bryan is convalescing at
home... and cue Bad News Barrett on the Tron saying that it's BAD
NEWS.
Stephanie's
impression of Barrett causes the crowd to go from cheering to booing.
She is contemplating vacating the title and awarding it to Kane.
(Crowd goes into a massive NO at this point.) Or, it could be just
awarded to Barrett. (Crowd prefers that. “You're so
predictable.”) Why not award it to Batista? (Crowd HATES that.)
Seriously, though, the champ should be HHH. (Crowd REALLY hates
that.) But in all seriousness, the title will not be vacated.
(YAY!) But, she will demand that Daniel Bryan show up at Raw and do
the right thing – surrender the title. Because it's Best For
Business, don't you know.
JBL
on commentary brings up a great point: it's not Bryan's championship,
but the WWE's.
Tonight:
Seth Rollins will face Batista with no help for either side! Plus,
John Cena will go against Luke Harper!
Ahem.
So, did you really think they'd settle the issue of the WWE Title on
a pre-taped show instead of a Live Raw? WELL. I'M AFRAID I'VE GOT
SOME BAD NEWS! Hey... that was fun.
Heath
Slater (representing the Union Jacks) v. Alexander Rusev.
Heath Slater plays face as the lead of the Union Jacks – which is
3MB in disguise. But this won't end well. Lana gets on everyone's
bad side by comparing Britain to America. Crowd: “WHO ARE YA?”
As with always, Putin gets more heel heat than Lana OR Rusev. Lana
says America and England will be Russian satellites in the future.
Massive Eng-er-land chant. Rusev says stuff in Bulgarian. Slater
tries to dive on Rusev and gets caught and slammed. Mahal eats
steps. McIntyre is similarly disposed of. Now the bell rings.
Slater mule kicks Rusev and fights back, but gets squashed against
the ropes. Sambo Slam into a Catatonic follows, and Rusev Crush ends
it at 42 seconds. Squash.
The
Shield is in an undisclosed location. Ambrose says that HHH was
talking about teaching the Shield a lesson before hiding behind a set
of thugs. Seems like Evolution's afraid of the Shield. At Payback,
Ambrose wants an Evolution that WANTS to fight. Is the eye injury a
brand of justice? Reigns shows his nine stitches, but is that all
they got? Is that the best shot? If so, they're in deep trouble.
You knock the Shield down, but they keep standing tall. Rollins says
Evolution doesn't get it. They keep trying to take them out. Yeah,
when Rollins met Batista, he made a mistake, and Batista took
advantage... then beat Rollins half to death and tried to end his
career. But he failed. He didn't get it done. And tonight, Rollins
won't make a mistake. Believe it.
Up
next: a five-minute match between Rob Van Dam and Alberto Del Rio.
Sorry,
I don't see Rusev as making it big. I've given him six weeks... it's
not working for me. He has no charisma.
Beat
the Clock match #2 of 3 (clock stands at 5:02): Alberto Del Rio v.
Rob Van Dam.
This match really should have gone first. Alberto in an inset promo
says he's doing this for the children to be their role model. Del
Rio with a go-behind, but RVD gets some cradles for one each time.
Del Rio kicks away and gets a Drive-By kick for two. Big E Langston
hopes his time holds as Del Rio gets a suplex for two. RVD with a
monkey flip and Del Rio bails. RVD throws him back in, but he walks
into the superkick to send him back out of the ring. Back in, it
gets two. Del Rio to the chinlock (in a Beat the Clock match?),
which RVD fights out of to his feet. He punches out, then ducks a
clothesline to get a few of his own and a superkick. Running legdrop
gets one, brother. Del Rio with the Backstabber for two. Del Rio
calls for the armbar, but RVD with a high kick to stop it and a flip
senton. RVD to the top, but the Five Star airballs. Oklahoma Roll
by Del Rio gets two. Del Rio argues the count, then backs RVD into
the corner. Step-up enzuigiri connects, getting two. Del Rio is too
stymied to make a move, and the low superkick misses as RVD rolls Del
Rio up... for the pin? Yes, and the time is lowered to 4:15. Match
had no heat because everyone was certain that it would go the
distance. *1/4
Our
main event is John Cena against Luke Harper!
And
that's why that match should've gone first. Those two didn't even
break a sweat out there. Give them a long match and have the five
minutes top it. Unless, of course, RVD is winning this thing. I
don't know; I didn't read the spoilers.
NXT
Takeover airs May 29! Main event is Adrian Neville against Tyson
Kidd!
We
look back at what Bray Wyatt said and what John Cena did.
Renee
Young is with John Cena. “They didn't see me.” Renee asks about
Cena's gameplan, but it's the same as when he beat Rowan. Step One:
get the Usos for backup. He knows the arena believes in Wyatt's
message. So the odds may be even in the ring, but there's a sense of
desperation. He knows it'll be the same at Payback... and he loves
it. So what does he do when things get desperate? He doesn't run,
he doesn't quit, he fights. He will fight to the very end. The Usos
are the Champs, and Cena has the heart of a champion. They all do
something while beating their chests, and the Usos fire up the crowd
as they leave.
Meanwhile,
Evolution says it's just the beginning. Roman's eye injury is the
start. Orton says that they need to take the Shield out one by one,
and maybe then they'll learn. HHH says there's blood in the water
and tells Batista to finish it tonight so he doesn't make it to
Payback. Batista promises to do it by himself. That is next.
So,
uh, are they really turning crowds heel? Or will Bray be exposed?
Or is Cena turning heel? They're stuck in a corner and I don't see a
satisfactory way out.
Your
Main Event main event is Mark Henry facing Antonio Cesaro.
Seth
Rollins v. Batista.
Oh, wait, I forgot: the official word was that only officials were
allowed at ringside. So HHH is the special guest ring announcer.
See, as COO, it's HHH's job to make the match a big deal, so he
announces Randy Orton as the guest timekeeper. Everyone but JBL
knows what's going on. Cole calls it the most ridiculous thing he's
ever seen... but I think we've seen it before. Rollins, though, has
an idea: Ambrose and Reigns are guest commentators for this match.
JBL is indignant. So is HHH. Batista is not happy. HHH and Orton
drop all pretense and coach Batista, who smashes Rollins around and
gets a clothesline. Batista does shoulder rams, but Rollins recovers
with chops and ten punches. He stomps a mudhole in Batista as
Ambrose taunts JBL. He heads out, but Batista stops him and sends
him into the barricade. Back in, Oklahoma Slam try is reversed to an
enzuigiri as we go to break.
In
case you're wondering how the Shield got away with this, Ambrose
implied on commentary that they beat up Brad Maddox until Brad
allowed them to be on commentary. Awesome.
Rollins/Batista,
part two.
Rollins is dumped to the outside, and Batista follows and throws him
into the steps. Batista sends Rollins headfirst into the steps as
JBL says he's the only unbiased person on commentary. Back in,
Batista chokes Rollins and baseball slides him to the ground. HHH
stalks Rollins but backs off. Back in, Batista hits the chinlock.
It goes to a bodyscissors sleeper, with Batista adding blows to the
back of the head. Ambrose: “Roman Reigns' Mother hit him harder
than that when he was growing up.” Rollins with a jawbreaker and
some chops, but he runs into a back elbow from Batista for two.
Hammer Throw by Batista and HHH taunts Rollins. Batista chokes
Rollins away on the second rope as Cole notes neither HHH nor Orton
is where they belong. Ya think so? Batista pulls Rollins to the top
and follows, but Rollins gets headbutts to knock Batista down and
follows with the Buff Blockbuster. Rollins charges into a boot,
though, but Batista puts his head down and Rollins takes advantage.
HHH urges Batista to get up, but this time, the charge leads to
consecutive forearm smashes. Batista ducks one in the center of the
ring, but Rollins flips over and gets a dropkick to knock Batista out
of the ring. Rollins follows with a tope suicida to Batista. Back
in, but Orton trips Rollins to get his attention. This gets Ambrose
and Reigns off commentary. Rollins rolls through on a springboard
but runs into a spinebuster as all four men have abandoned all
pretense of being officials. Batista preps for the spear, but
Rollins kicks him away and lands a springboard kneesmash for two.
Rollins goes up top, but HHH shoves him off as Orton distracts the
ref. Ambrose attacks HHH, Orton follows onto Ambrose, and Reigns
finds Orton. Orton takes out Reigns with a chair. He looks for
another, but Ambrose goes on the table sprint and takes Orton out.
HHH grabs Ambrose and sends him into the post. MEANWHILE IN THE
RING, Rollins goes after HHH and gets KO'd for the DQ at 13:44.
Batista spears Rollins. HHH tries a Pedigree, but Ambrose sends HHH
flying. He distracts Batista enough for Reigns to get a spear on
Batista. Triplebomb teased to Batista, but HHH distracts and Orton
pulls Batista out. Hard to call the rating on this match because way
too much was going on, but I'll say *3/4.
It entertained, I'll give it that.
Our
main event: John Cena (with the Usos) against Luke Harper (with Rowan
and Bray).
Those
two seemed a bit off tonight. Maybe it was because the four people
at ringside were a bigger story. I mean... if you're going to say no
one at ringside, you better deliver. Otherwise, you're walking in
place. Still, the Payback match should deliver, even if Orton
appears to be the main casualty. Eh... he'll get over it.
The
Slam of the Week is Alicia Fox losing her mind after losing to Paige.
Alicia
Fox v. Paige.
England cheers loudly for Paige. Fox with a straight high kick to
open, adding an uppercut but putting her head down. Paige with
headbutts and a hairpull slam, then another, as she shrieks. Fox
bails, so Paige follows and gets caught and throws into the barricade
before being knocked off of it. Back in, it gets two. Fox slams
Paige's head into the mat repeatedly. Crowd tries to rally Paige as
Fox picks her up, getting a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two. Fox
slaps Paige around, then gets a Hammer Throw. Fox tosses Paige into
the corner repeatedly, before getting a headlock, but Paige reverses
to the Paige Turner for two. A second tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by
Fox, and she tosses Paige into the post. A high kick flattens Paige
in the corner, and Fox drags her to the center for the pin at 3:24.
Crowd really didn't see that coming. The Payback rematch is going to
be fun. *3/4
Fox celebrates with Lawler's crown.
When
the show began, Bray Wyatt and Luke Harper and John Cena and so on.
We
go back to the Wyatts, as Harper says Cena is playing a very
dangerous game. The snake is tired, little mouse. So come out,
wherever you are. Bray, meanwhile, notes the great hero has
reinforcements. The Usos – brothers by blood, but fools. Dominoes
in a line. They will all fall down. Run.
Yeah,
I'm gonna get in trouble, but Alicia Fox really brought it tonight.
She and Paige were impressive. The match was as long as it had to be
and no longer. Everything hit, there was no downtime, and the story
of Fox and Paige advances. Like I said, I look forward to Payback,
and I never thought I'd say that.
Beat
the Clock match #3 of 3 (clock stands at 4:15): Mark Henry v. Dolph
Ziggler.
Both men are faces, but Dolph is much more over. Dolph says in an
inset promo that he loves the Beat the Clock format... but Mark Henry
runs in on his promo to shut him up. Yup. Dolph bounces off of
Henry a few times. A big tackle and Dolph is down. Oklahoma Slam
follows for two. Dolph goes to the apron, so Henry hiptosses him
over the ropes back in. Dolph falls out to the other side (tick tick
tick) as Henry figures he can take a countout and RVD watches. Dolph
pulls himself in, but gets Hammer Thrown only to get an elbow up. He
dives over Henry and gets a Famouser (sort of) for two. Henry throws
Dolph out. It takes a while for Ziggler to return as the clock keeps
ticking, but Dolph gets a dropkick. More laying around selling, but
a second dropkick connects. He finally covers for two. Both men see
there's only a minute left, and the crowd is behind Dolph big. Dolph
flies, but Henry catches him into a British Bulldog slam for two.
Henry stares at the clock, then lifts Dolph up for the World's
Strongest Slam, but Dolph reverses to the Zig Zag... and runs out of
time at 4:15. 1/2*
So
it's RVD against Barrett at Payback. RVD is out to celebrate – and
Bad News Barrett knocks him out with a Bullhammer from behind. He's
got Bad News: Rob Van Dam may have beaten the clock, but now he has
to fight Barrett. Not now, obviously, because right now in London,
Barrett's capital city... we are in the home of Greenwich Mean Time.
Rob may have set the best time, but England sets the world's time.
And there's no way in the world this Englishman will lose to a bloody
Yank. Crowd eats it up as Rue Britannia plays.
Our
main event is John Cena and Luke Harper, one on one! But neither one
will be alone!
And
that is why Langston and Ryback went first. I understand using RVD
to put Barrett over, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. The
crowd desperately wanted Dolph to at least get a shot.
Earlier
tonight, Stephanie McMahon told Daniel Bryan to show up next week and
do the right thing.
Renee
Young is in the ring to interview Adam Rose and his entourage. JBL:
“How did that stupid bunny get through customs?” JBL doesn't
like bunnies. Crowd is singing along to his theme. Rose says hello
to London and wants a cheeseburger. As in the guy dressed as a
cheeseburger. Ethan. Who has sesame seeds on his buns. Nothing a
doctor can't clear up. He then asks a Captain America woman to be
his nurse. Renee asks what a Rosebud is. Adam: “It means to not
be a lemon.” More singing by the crowd. JBL is worried that this
will catch on. Renee brings up Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter. Rose
says he's not targeting them, he just wants them to stop being grumpy
pantses. And now the bunny dances. JBL: “That bunny's got mad
cow.”
Before
we go any further, Swagger and Colter come out, and the crowd sings
to THEIR music too. Colter: “Adam Rose, just the it I was looking
for.” Colter says Rose has questionable morals and hangs out with
Woodstock rejects. He wants Renee out of the ring. (Crowd sings
Rose's theme, with the entourage's encouragement.) Colter enters the
ring, as does Swagger, though Colter calls Swagger off. Colter wants
everyone to listen: Rose and his vermin are the problem in America.
And if you hang around here, they'll be the problem in England too.
He doesn't know how they got past customs, but Rose fits better with
“these freaks” than with Americans. Crowd sings Rose's theme
again. Colter: “Enough you hedonistic... people!” Colter tries
to chew out Rose some more, but the crowd is too much on Colter's
case. Colter wants to know what “germs” are in the ring. But
here's his problem: Rose has been embarrassing Colter, and he doesn't
like that. So he wants to resolve it. He wants to face Rose. Yes,
ZEB COLTER wants to face Adam Rose. Crowd wants this. Rose looks to
his entourage for approval...
...and
Swagger attacks. He backs off the Exotic Express by himself, taking
particular glee in menacing a guy with a pink suit, but Rose is back
and fighting. Swagger rolls out and is knocked off the apron. Crowd
loves it. Rose: “Sometimes, Renee, you've got to fight; but it's
party time ALL THE TIME!” JBL is apoplectic as Rose and company
dance. The crowd was WAY into this segment.
Up
next: Cena! Harper! Backup! Main event!
That
segment may have just MADE Adam Rose. Now when he beats Swagger
it'll be the start of something good.
Life
is not measured in length, but in moments. Get stronger, and you
will be better. Bo-Lieve. He debuts on SmackDown this Friday.
You're welcome, Tommy.
In
addition, Hulk Hogan will be on the show. You're VERY welcome,
Tommy.
Main
event: John Cena (with Jimmy Uso and Jey Uso) v. Luke Harper (with
Bray Wyatt and Erick Rowan).
Cena encourages people to sing about how he sucks. Bray mentions
they're in London because they want people to turn him face. As a
reminder: Cena vs Wyatt, Last Man Standing, will be on Payback.
Harper bulrushes Cena into a corner and pounds away, dropping Cena as
the crowd does their dueling chants. Hammer Throw to Cena. Harper
points to Bray and picks Cena up, but Cena reverses and gets a
bulldog and big boot for one. Harper fakes a reversal, but misses a
blind charge. Might have been a botch. Pumphandle fallaway slam by
Harper gets two as we go to break.
Main
event, part two. Harper
stares at Bray as he picks up Cena and uppercuts him. A clothesline
misses, and Cena gets one, but Harper recovers with a big boot for
two. Gator Roll follows, into a suplex for two. The crowd appears
to be singing John Cena Sucks. Cena tries an STF, but it goes
nowhere. He recovers with the Protoslam, and the five-knuckle
shuffle draws a mixed reaction... and a German suplex from Harper for
two. Now the crowd is singing... for Adam Rose. Big boot by Harper
misses and Harper flies over the top. Back in, another Protoslam,
and this time the five-knuckle shuffle connects. AA try, but Harper
slides out and gets a wheelbarrow slam for two. Harper sets up a
piledriver, but Cena backdrops out only to be caught with a
headscissors and dropkick (!!?!?). And then, because no one told
Harper he weighs 280, a tope suicida. More singing for Rose. Harper
tries to connect with Bray, then charges right into an elbow and
Tornado DDT for two. This leads to a Double KO as Bray says
something to Rowan. Crowd now chants Fruity Pebbles. Cena with a
rana (improperly sold by Harper), but Harper with a NASTY superkick
for two. Harper puts Cena on the top, and he teases the BURNING
HAMMER, but goes for a neckbreaker instead for two. Crowd is running
out of things to say and has to follow the match as Cena gets a
clothesline off of a charge. Crowd sings for Bray. Cena is visibly
distracted, and Harper gets a sunset flip that Cena reverses to the
STF. Harper makes the ropes. Rowan enters the ring, so Jimmy
superkicks him out and Jey dives onto everyone. Bray with Sister
Abigail to Jimmy and Jey, but Cena low bridges out Bray before
turning into the Michinoku Driver for two. This Is Awesome. AA out
of nowhere, but Rowan runs Cena over for the DQ at 12:30. Dammit,
this match needed a finish. ***1/4
The Usos are still groggy, so it's a 3-on-1 for the time being.
INVERTED LOOK OF DOOM to Cena (who is being held up by Rowan), but
Cena knocks down Rowan only to run into Sister Abigail. Harper
groggily gets up as we see the whole arena singing for Bray. Harper
and Rowan toss Cena out and follow, mugging him up the aisle. Harper
tells Rowan to go up the ramp as he picks Cena up. Harper tosses
Cena into Rowan, who gives him a fallaway slam on the ramp. Bray
picks him up at the stage, and it's one more Sister Abigail's Kiss
for the road. Crowd gives it a YES. Bray starts a singalong as
Harper counts to 10. Well, he stops at 9 because the point's been
made. Then, 20 seconds later, he says 10. Point made, we end the
show.
THOUGHTS:
A
very up and down show. I was ready to write it off when the crowd
showed disinterest in Sheamus/Cesaro, and Langston/Ryback means
nothing to me, but the last 45 minutes picked it up quite a bit.
Heck, Alicia Fox even looked impressive!
The
crowd seems to be... well, it's a little distracting sometimes, which
is too bad. I don't understand why, if you like what's happening,
you don't play along. You love Bray Wyatt as a heel? Boo him. Do
you love Colter and Swagger? Boo them, don't sing their music. I'll
grant them Barrett as a homeland hero, though.
All
in all, the show started slowly but picked up quite nicely at the
end. Just moving the chains tonight.
STATS:
MATCH
TIME: 56:19 over eight matches
BEST
MATCH: Cena/Harper
WORST
MATCH: Rusev/Slater
NIGHT
MVP: Rob Van Dam
FINAL
RATING: Honestly, the end of the show drags this up to a 6. Stories
were advanced, there were two decent matches, and the Divas match
that didn't embarrass itself. Plus, Rose and Swagger had the
show-stealing segment.
Matt
is up next, Scott has NXT, and Tommy is doing SmackDown. Logan looks
back at 1998 WWF, Tommy is setting the plate for a look at the most
important night in the Wars, and Brian will get the next show up in
Blog of Doom Wrestling. I'm outta here. Cult, Jobber, the floor to
call me a worthless waste of bandwidth is yours, you crazy bastards.
I feed on your pain.
" a worthless waste of bandwidth"
ReplyDeleteYou just described WrestleZone
Forget Roman Reigns, if Luke Harper isn't a top guy by next year that's a true waste. Guy is freaking incredible in the ring for his size.
ReplyDeleteThe way he stains that T-shirt.... AMAZING
ReplyDeleteAnd keeps his hankie in his back pocket without it falling out.
ReplyDeleteMain event pit stains
ReplyDeleteThat Stephanie segment was awesome.
ReplyDeleteOdd that Hogan is only going to be on Smackdown.
ReplyDeleteDon't know what the chest beating thing was cena and usos were doing......... but I havent laughed that hard during a pro wrestling show in a long time. That was awesome
ReplyDeleteWolf of Wall Street
ReplyDeleteHmm, well..he botches all of his lines.
ReplyDeleteDamn that's rite. Ok. I'm glad I forgot bout that cuz then it wouldn't have been as funny. My friend likes cena but said he hopes he don't keep doin that cuz even he will start booing him.
ReplyDeleteFantastic review, as always.
ReplyDeleteGenius.
ReplyDeleteI want a Kane 3:16 shirt!
ReplyDelete"Well you know it's so great being here in Wobbly Stadium, brother!"
ReplyDeleteNot even Jeff Hardy could do that.
ReplyDelete"Go to the WWF Network now!"
ReplyDeleteIf they boo Bray Wyatt, does that mean they have to cheer Neon Cena? Or do they just ignore him and boo the heel because that sure wouldn't be distracting.
ReplyDeleteI was so pissed that RVD's match didn't go five seconds longer so the winning time would be 4:20.
ReplyDeleteIf WWE wants Bray Wyatt to be a heel then he needs to start acting like a heel and stop encouraging the crowd to sing along with him. That schtick needs to end yesterday. What is up with heels these days who refuse to act like heels?
ReplyDeleteThe angle is that he's supposed to be swaying people away from Cena. If he wasn't actually swaying people away from John Cena, this would be an epic adventure in pointlessness. Which it is pretty much already, but I digress.
ReplyDeleteGenerally though, if the WWE wants anyone to be a heel, they should keep them far, far away from John Cena, because everyone short of Rusev might get face heat from facing Cena.
I don't think any more of Kane than anyone else - less, in fact. Much, much less.
ReplyDeleteBut I didn't mind him as Bryan's first feud - they had a history, and the escalating Tombstones thing was a pretty good over the top way of making Kane a sudden threat.
I don't think they're cutting his balls off or burying him, I think he took time off to get married, his father died and now he's out of action with neck surgery and his title reign hasn't had a chance to get off the ground yet.