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Recap: Legends' House - Episode 5

This week, on Legends' House - the guys go to an art gala and more wacky hijinks surrounding cooking and eating!

Previously on... FLOCKO FLAMINGO, Chippendale's, manscaping, and Hacksaw spitting and fighting and just generally going crazy.

Morning.  Tony tells Gene that when he gets worried he draws, then his worries go away.  Gene agrees that it's good therapy.  You know, if Tony hadn't been a wrestler, he could have also not been an artist.  But whatever, good for him for trying to do something creative.   Hacksaw, in the hot tub, tells us that Tony is a very good drawer and he draws when he's angry, so he's been drawing the entire time he's been here.  I'm angry, because I just had to type "Hacksaw, in the hot tub".  Cut to Gene and Tony in the gym, where Gene is complaining that his back is a little sore.  Pat is in the background on the treadmill doing about 1.  Gene says he trains with Tony because he's a "registered, certified, personal, physical fitness trainer."  Jesus Christ, Gene.  Spit it out.  Gene, speaking of himself, says he has the body of a God.  He was obviously being sarcastic, and good for him again for getting some kind of exercise because he's so old, but he really does look like a meatball.  Not like, some slang term for "jerk", or anything.  The actual food, "meatball".  They show Gene working out, and it's so incredibly slow and boring.

Next up, Roddy is juicing!  No mishaps with appliances this week, as apparently he was able to figure this one out.  They show Roddy and Tony hugging as Tony thanks him for being nice to him when they got back from Vegas.  Roddy is touched by the gesture.  Tony says he's going to try his best to get along with Hacksaw.  A bit later, I guess, Tony has an idea for Hillbilly Jim.  Oh God.  Hillbilly and Tony get in a golf cart and head for parts unknown.  I guess the show is building tension by not telling us what Tony's exciting idea is.  Unless that was it.   So, I guess they took the fucking golf cart all the way to a "Spanish Butcher Shop", and Hillbilly goes on about how they got some down home, Southern Country Boy food.  I guess there is a "South" in Spain, too, now that I think about it, so I guess he may not be technically wrong.  Although, I would guess this is a Mexican butcher shop, but Hillbilly was SO close.  It's foreign, let's just leave it at that.  Hillbilly and Tony bond over both being country boys.  They look at food.  Forever.  They're getting a bunch of stereotypically country food, and it's all kind of gross.  Tony is so excited to show off how wacky he is, that he eats a pig's foot at the checkout counter. 

Jimmy, being a picky eater, as established earlier in the show, hates everything they got.  They got bull penis, too!  It's hilarious, how they're going to eat food and Jimmy won't.  And when the fuck ever was bull penis a classically Southern meal?  Hacksaw is also not going to eat.  Gene complains about the food being stinky.  Put Fink in the "we're not eating this stupid bullshit" club.  Tony's washing the literal shit out of the (I'm guessing) pig rectum that he's preparing.  I swear guys, I'm sorry.  This is just so uninteresting.  I can't do anything with this.  Gene says he's getting sick to his stomach over all the nasty shit sitting around.  Me too, Gene.  And now we're all complaining about the smell, except for Hillbilly, who pretends that it's not disgusting because HE HAS TO PLAY HIS PART.  I don't know if I've mentioned it yet, but Gene thinks the food is gross.  Oh, and also, it smells.   The guys all think it smells bad.  Gene doesn't like it.  Oh, and earlier, Gene threw some fucking, foul, half-eaten pig's foot that Tony left on the table into the yard and now Tony thinks someone ate it!  Gene plays along and said Howard ate it.  It's possible that Howard ran into the yard and snatched up the fucking thing and ate it (because he's pretty fat), but I think Gene is trying to pull a fast one here!  Tony is absolutely flabbergasted.  Roddy thinks the food is gross, but he does say "dick" quite a few times, so that's something.

They're still talking about bull penis.  But it was a joke!  It's actually just sausage!  They were just messing with Jimmy.  Ok, but whatever.  You're still eating fucking colon, which is probably not really that much better.  I'm not sure if there ever was an actual bull penis, or it they also got sausage, and I'm tired of thinking about it.  Tony eats some nasty grey chitlins, but, a-fucking-gain, the guys think the food is gross.  Tony is proud of his cooking, does his donkey laugh, and that's the end.

Next day, Ashley is in a little tiny bikini, as the Gods of terrible reality shows must've heard my silent prayers.  She's yelling for the guys to meet her out by the pool.  Gene and Howard drool all over themselves (I'm not blaming them), as we show different shots of Ashley in a bikini, and coming out of the water "Fast Times" style.  Ashley lies to the guys and tells them they all look fantastic.  She tells the guys that they all have to take care of "themselfs" no matter what their age, and Gene, for some reason adds "Holy Balls".  I'm sure it was edited in, but I'm not sure why.  She's invited some water aerobics chick to help the guys get in shape.  I should also point out that everyone except Hacksaw is wearing swim trunks.  Hacksaw is wearing what I think are his old wrestling speedos.  The aerobics chick has some sort of weird German (maybe a Southern Spanish?) accent, and tells everyone to get in the water.  The first exercise is walking from one side of the pool to the other.  And we have to watch it.  Gene talks about how much he loves it.  Jimmy thought it was good, but couldn't understand the instructor.  The bitch starts to get pissed because all the guys suck at water aerobics and just generally existing.  She's bossing the guys around in a far too familiar way, and I kind of hate her.  Now they're moving from side to side, as Jimmy doesn't want his hair to get messed up.  Hacksaw blows into a water noodle and yells "There she blows!" because he's a moron, and the guys do a conga line.  Hillbilly is happy to see Ashley in a bikini, then summarizes the whole experience with a stupid country-fied saying and some positivity because that's what he does on this show.

Oh no.  Now they're going to play guitar and sing.  Hillbilly is playing guitar and Jimmy is singing, and it's actually not awful.  They're writing lyrics and it's kind of neat.  They're writing a song about the house, and Hillbilly seems to have a bit of aptitude for this.  I guess we're done with that, because either later that day or the next day, Ashley is back.  Pat hilariously zips up his pants (appeared to me to be unscripted), as he says hello to her.  Gene creepily flirts with her, and I know he's playing it up because he's supposed to, but it's still pretty weird to see.  Some funny editing there where they add in some pauses and awkwardness to make it seem even more weird than it was.  Ashley tells them they are going to be opening the Legends' House art gallery, whatever that means.  Luckily, she explains that they are going to have 8 of their photos (ones of them in the ring, stuff like that) that are already in the house auctioned off for charity, BUT, they also have to come up with four additional pieces (of shit) to also sell.  The proceeds will go to "charity".  A non-specific charity.  Tony gets weird about something and refuses to help the guys.  Sigh, artists.  Hacksaw asks if they can use Ashley as a model, and someone off camera yells "NUDE!".  It was me. I'm technically off-camera.  Ok, it wasn't me.  But God, are they seriously, like, twelve years old?  None of them banged any hot wrestling groupie whores?  I guess the frequency has probably peetered out since they've gotten older, but, I dunno.  The whole thing is, again, weird.

Roddy does his, "geez, I guess I have to do this, but I'm so out of my comfort zone" bullshit that he's done for EVERY SINGLE THING they've done so far, because that's what he does on this show.  Roddy, they're not asking you to jump out of a plane, or perform surgery, or dance around in your underwear in front of a female audience or anything.  You've had to bowl, and walk in a pool, and now, draw.  Let's take it down a notch, pal.  Hacksaw talks about how he's not artsy, but he knows what he likes.  He's really not the sharpest pencil, huh?  Pat and Tony are talking, and Pat says they just want his advice.  Tony again says how art is his relaxation, and he thinks the tension in the house might ruin his love for art if he somehow ties the two together.  It's adorable that Tony thinks his brain is capable of concepts like that, but I guess I see what he means.  But then again, shut up.  Hacksaw is thinking of doing some Jackson Pollock type shit where he dips his 2x4 in paint and sprays it around on the canvas.  Gene wants to paint a liquor store.  Or nature.  Jimmy wants to draw a tree.  Tony is complaining that this isn't art.  Jimmy asks Tony to paint a picture of them, and Tony flips the fuck out and runs away.  Hacksaw complains about how Tony is being a primadonna, and Jimmy keeps yelling at Tony.  Tony threatens to punch Jimmy in the nose for his troubles.  Pat and Howard are at a table, and Pat has the worst drawing ever of "waves, and sailboats" sketched out on a legal pad.  It's actually really funny, how awful it is.  Tony glowers in the background for a second, then goes in the house to get some postcards or photos to inspire the guys.  He says he was just mad because they were "telling" him and not "asking" him.  Which, they kinda were not, but ok.  Finkel is happy that Tony's back in, and calls him one of the most accomplished artists in their fraternity.  I think he's painting a clown.  Someone gets the bright idea(r) of doing a bunch of  handprints and signing their names under each one.  Jimmy claims that all these great idears are his doing.  Pat says they are a bunch of talented guys, but it'll just take time.  Tony says the handprint idea is great...for kindergarteners.  Ha!  But they do it anyway.  
Tony apparently sketched out a hummingbird, and Pat is painting it.  Tony is blown away by how good it is.  It's actually not bad.  It's not good, but it's not bad.  Painting is deceptively difficult, and Pat seems to be doing a pretty OK job so far.  I'm sure it'll end up all fucked up.  Gene asks if it's Koko B. Ware's bird, and I think about how awesome it would be if he actually did come out with a hummingbird on his arm.  And it turns out Tony WAS drawing a clown, because he likes to draw clowns.  Happy clowns, sad clowns, surprised clowns, clown burger, clown gumbo.  Pat says, "Tony Atlas is a great painter, he can do a lot of...great paintings."  Jesus Christ.  They finish the dumb handprint thing, and their second idea is to just smear a bunch of shit on a canvas.  Tony explains to the guys that what they're doing is abstract art, and they should let their feelings come out onto the canvas.  My feelings are that it's a shitty and stupid painting.  Pat talks way too much about how Jimmy Hart talks way too much, because we have to re-establish how annoying Jimmy is every five minutes.  Finkel's idea was to write their names in a crossword style painting, and it's also dumb.  Gene agrees with me.  Pat is pissed that Gene isn't helping, and Gene says that all Pat has done was that "cockamamie" bird.  Which, I laughed, because they showed the finished hummingbird painting and it's just horrendous.  It even has a little flower at the bottom.  Gene says "balls" again as he and Pat continue their little play fight.  They decide on some random squiggle one, the stupid hands one, the smeary turd one, and Tony's sad clown.  Hillbilly praises how amazing Tony's clown is, and Jimmy says "If you really wanna be real about it, I think, on a scale of one to ten, the clown painting is about a three."  Ha!  It's far better than the other bullshit they have, but he's probably right.  I will say, it's definitely better than I can do and not actively horrible.  Good enough job, Tony.

That night, they show up at the gallery, and Mean Gene says "Holy Balls".  I swear to God, show.   Hillbilly talks about how proud he is that all the terrible artwork is hanging on the walls, and Gene says he sees a big crowd forming outside.  Cut to - no one outside.  Cute.  Jimmy grabs his megaphone and starts shouting at nobody that there are WWE Legends inside.  Jimmy then heads down the street and tries to rustle up a crowd to come over.  Finally, some people start coming in.  Hacksaw gets excited and yells, "There's women!"  Ugh.   Some lady lies to Hacksaw that the art is good, but then can't keep a straight face.  There's a silent auction for these paintings, which Gene refers to as "a silent Oxen".  And then, double fucking ugh, some self-proclaimed "art connoisseur" interprets the stupid squiggle painting as a bull fight to Tony.  Ashley shows up and also thinks the art is awful.  "I'm really proud of them."  ...for not eating the paint.  She is, however, very impressed with Tony's clown painting.  Tony is sad or something because it's not his best work, and aw.  Anyway, now the poor people have to go home with these paintings and shit, and they had to PAY for them.  Remind me to never complain about anything ever again.  The end.