The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW–05.09.94

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 05.09.94

Apparently we’re back to proper dating now, so yay!

Taped from the Burlington Coat Factory, VT.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Randy Savage

King of the Ring Qualifier: Razor Ramon v. Kwang

So to recap, we have a guy from the US playing a Cuban, facing off against a guy from the Caribbean playing a vaguely Asian martial artist. Wrestling, kids. They trade armbars and Ramon fights off the deadly chops of Kwang and clotheslines him to the floor. Kwang refuses to stay down and necksnaps Ramon to take over, then blows his green mist for psychological effect. On the bright side, at least it would match Ramon’s tights. Kwang works him over in the corner, but misses a charge and allows Ramon to work on the arm in exciting fashion. Kwang comes back with a leg lariat RIGHT IN THE MUSH. And indeed, it’s a see-saw matchup, back and forth, so you know it’s a good one. Ramon appears to be bleeding from the mouth off that lariat, so Vince promises they’ll go to a wide angle if it worsens. Due to the children watching, you know. Geez, if they went to a wide shot you’d be able to see that the arena only holds a little under 3000 people. They slug it out and we take a break. Back with Ramon making the comeback via chokeslam for two. They continue to slug it out and Ramon catches him with a Razor’s Edge attempt, but Kwang’s ass causes him to fall over. So having messed up the finish once, Ramon tries it again, and this time finishes at 15:02. **1/2

King of the Ring Report: Todd Pettingill gives a pre-taped interview with Roddy Piper, where he accepts Jerry Lawler’s challenge in exchange for proceeds being donated to charity. Todd quickly clarifies that it’s a PORTION of the proceeds. How would they even determine that?

Crush v. Raymond Roy

Vince goes on this whole deal about how Crush must be drug-free because he’s got such a good body. Striking a nerve there, Vince? Also, the irony of course is even more striking given Crush’s later jail time and death. Crush puts him down with a superkick and backbreaker and pounds on the back. Press slam and the HEART PUNCH finish at 3:33.

Duke Droese is coming soon. Right after he’s finished with a giant pile of garbage.

Meanwhile, on Superstars, Jerry Lawler and Doink seemingly team up and humiliate Dink, but it turns out to be Jeff Jarrett, in one of the earliest examples of the Vince Russo trope of guys dressing up like other guys, five years before it became a thing.

Doink the Clown v. Mike Terrace

Doink and his pet midget frustrate the jobber with some wacky clown shenanigans and he finishes with the Whoopie Cushion at 3:00.

The King’s Court with Yokozuna, as we get a neat little Earthquake video detailing his sumo history, which naturally leads to Jim Cornette accepting his challenge next with a Sumo Match. That sounds like…something.

Meanwhile, more people claim to have seen the Undertaker.

Mabel v. Mike Bell

Bell attacks to start and gets chopped in response. Mabel puts him down for a big fat legdrop, and the Bossman slam finishes at 2:25.

Earthquake officially accepts the “WWF Style Sumo Match” for next week.

Next week: Did we mention the Sumo Match?