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The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW–04.04.94

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 04.04.94

Yes! Google Play Music finally launches in Canada! Now I just need iTunes Radio.

Taped from Poughkeepsie, NY

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Gorilla Monsoon. They are clearly standing in front of a green screen for the intro. Sometimes the extra resolution of HDTV is not a good thing.

Earthquake v. Adam Bomb

Really shaking things up to start and kicking it off with a bang. So to speak. Maybe I’ve been listening to too much Vince on commentary lately. Bomb attacks and gets clotheslined to the floor. It blows my mind that someone with greasy wet hair like Bomb would turn into one of the best-styled guys in the business. Bomb takes over with his strength and brawn and Quake gets tied in the ropes, which sets up an epic showdown between the Fink and Harvey on the floor. Meanwhile, both guys miss elbows and Bomb goes up with a flying clothesline for two. Blind charge hits boot and Quake hits a belly to belly and drops a leg, setting up the butt splash at 4:20. This was tremendous…ly awful. DUD When the action between the ring announcer and the manager is more compelling than whatever was going on in the ring, it’s a stinker.

Meanwhile, at Wrestlemania, Lex Luger chokes again. Typically, Luger blames Mr. Perfect afterwards, as if this wasn’t a career-long trend on his part.

Mr. Perfect joins us to explain his side of the story (ie, the right one), and points out that Luger pushed HIM, the duly appointed official, while he was trying to get the managers out of the ring. Gorilla accuses him of having a vendetta against Lex Luger. He’s Mr. Perfect! It’s right there in his name! The man sunk a basketball from half-court BEHIND HIS BACK, so I think his refereeing is above reproach.

Razor Ramon v. Austin Steele

Man, talk about the best wrestling name ever wasted on a pudgy jobber. He sounds like a goddamn super-spy sexual panther badass and he’s just some dude getting beat up by Scott Hall. Razor with the usual abdominal stretch and blockbuster slam, before finishing with the chokeslam and Razor’s Edge at 3:45.

Meanwhile, the Quebecers aren’t afraid of the Headshrinkers, and will defend their titles against one of three teams (to be determined by hotline vote) next week. It’s like a Twitter poll, but costing $2 a vote instead!

Jeff Jarrett, Rick Martel, IRS & The Headshrinkers v. 1-2-3 Kid, Tatanka, The Smoking Gunns & Thurman Plugg (His Friends Call Him “Sparky”)

This is of course the match we were ROBBED of at Wrestlemania due to those selfish bastards going long in the ladder match just because they wanted to put on a ***** match and make history and stupid shit like that. The primary feud here is of course the raging hatred between Tatanka and IRS over an unclaimed gift tax on the ceremonial head-dress, and who can’t relate to THAT? Billy Gunn and Samu do a nice little sequence to start with pinfall reversals, but Samu puts Billy down with a clothesline and he’s quickly the cowboy-in-peril. Jarrett with a backbreaker, but Billy brings Tatanka in to chase Jarrett off again. Over to Bart Gunn, and he quickly gets beat up, but comes back on IRS as we take a break. Back with good ol’ Sparky pounding on Martel and hitting a crossbody for two, and they exchange armbars. Apparently Sparky Plugg is the future of the WWF. I didn’t get that particular memo. Kid throws kicks on IRS to put him down and necksnaps him by the tie, and a springboard clothesline gets two. High cross gets two. And now it’s a PIER SIX BRAWL, and Gorilla actually calls it that. Kid misses a charge and gets pinned by Irwin at 11:47, however. They should totally splice this into Wrestlemania on Network airings. Fun little match. ***

Shawn Michaels debuts the Heartbreak Hotel, and issues a challenge to Razor Ramon. This was kind of the start of the mega-push of the Shawn-Diesel team, as Shawn wrestled less and less and worked towards getting Nash over.

Yokozuna v. Scott Powers

Banzai drop finishes at 2:25. Yup.

Next week: The Quebecers defend against one of three teams, and one of them mostly doesn’t suck!