Welcome to Perri's Palace of Petulant Pro-Wrestling Pain.
I usually write up my pre-recap bits on Monday morning, before RAW. I really should be writing them following RAW because there's so much more to talk about.
Seth Rollins is suddenly a heel. Why? Because fuck you, that's why. Harsh? Nah. Creative was harsh. I'm just translating. In case you didn't watch Smackdown, Rollins said he turned because he has his reasons and they're his OWN! Ha!
But, on Monday, it was apparent that even Creative wasn't buying their own bullshit. Suddenly, Rollins was ready to "break his silence" which was amusing since, you know, he already spoke on Smackdown and practically gave the fans the finger. Cole had scored an exclusive interview with Rollins, having beaten some tough competition in Barbara Walters who was ready to come out of retirement to get the scoop after Brian Williams was turned down.
This time, he was ready to be nice and explain. And, like abused, yet forgiving children, we let Dad explain himself while he was sober and coherent.
So we're on the same page: a few months back, Rollins teases a break-up that never materializes because nobody wanted it, we had Ric Flair endorse The Shield, the new faction. The old faction, Evolution, puts them over...and then, for some reason, a last-second decision was made for Rollins to complete the heel turn nobody wanted, thus negating everything that had happened in the last eight weeks. Three days later, Rollins doesn't have to explain dick to you. Two days later, he's "breaking a silence" he already broke to explain himself. Also, The Shield will probably find another third member, making the sudden break-up pointless.
If you think I'm asking too many questions and not enjoying what I'm watching, my gripes are warranted.
I mean, fuck. Brie's gone for no reason whatsoever, stemming from an angle that, really, had no downside at all. And, while I'm at it, how DID the McMahons get the belts from Daniel Bryan? Seriously. He wasn't at the arena and it's not like he left them behind and he didn't return Steph's call. What, did they send in WWE Special Ops to raid his home and retrieve the belt?
Episodes of Glee have more continuity and nuance than this.
And, hell, for all we know, Rollins will pull a Daniel Bryan/Wyatts deal and rebel and truly destroy Evolution from the inside. Then we can just laugh about how The Shield has four members like the Horsemen and everything will be right again in the world.
Let's dive into this week...
We are LIVE(!) from the Resch Center in Green Bay, Wisconsin!
Byron Saxton and Tom Philips are the guys on the mics.
Triple H's music hits and out comes God, himself, to mingle with us mortals. Triple H says there's a lot of controversy in the WWE right now. Questions are everywhere like, "WHY? Why did we strip Daniel Bryan of the title?" So, we get Dr. Maroon 5 on screen, telling us Bryan can't compete yet. Dude's a real doctor. Really.
Triple H says it's because of the fans that Bryan is no longer the champ. He's delivering a new champion at Money in the Bank. We'll see a "moment we will never forget". He says there's other controversy, too...
Clips of The Shield break-up.
Triple H brings Seth Rollins out to his modified Cesaro theme music. Triple H wants to know how it felt to betray his friends. The crowd chants, "YOU SOLD OUT" instead of "CM PUNK". I'm impressed. Rollins says that he felt powerful when he took out Reigns and Ambrose. They're mediocre like the fans. Rollins says that opportunities are created when you take initiative. That's what he did. He adapted and he evolved. This is the Evolution of Seth Rollins. He did what he had to do: he cut dead weight from his life.
The crowd chants "BORING" and Rollins says he'd like to thank Triple H for everything.
And, just like on Smackdown, Ziggler's out to yack. He says he'd like to congratulate Rollins for being a scumbag traitor. He says that Rollins took a shortcut. Ziggler doesn't take shortcuts. Ziggler says he's gonna wipe that smug look off Rollins' face. Tonight, he's gonna show the world what it means to be a WWE Superstar and he'll do it without an ego-maniacal boss holding his hand the entire way. He tells Rollins to sharpen his knife because he'll need it.
NEXT: Jimmy Uso will face Luke Harper.
A plug for a WWE Studios filmic meltdown biker mess called, "Road to Paloma". Only of interest if you wanna see real-life husband and wife Jason Mamoa and Lisa Bonet pretend to fuck.
MATCH #1: Jimmy Uso (w/ Jey Uso) vs. Luke Harper (w/ Erick Rowan)
Jimmy gets beat up a bit, then comes back with a kick to Harper's stomach. He tries a high-rope move but Harper chokes Jimmy against the ropes. Jimmy hits a knee to Harper's back off the ropes but Harper no-sells and runs at Jimmy. Jimmy hits a Crossbody and gets a one-count. Harper hits a suplex and gets two. He goes for the Gator Roll and then a headlock. Harper puts Jimmy in the corner but Jimmy kicks Harper in the face and hits a nice flipping splash off the top rope. Harper is in the corner and Jimmy runs at him but Harper kicks Jimmy's head off his shoulders. Harper follows up but gets dumped outside. Jimmy goes for a Flying Uso but Harper hits a forearm. He tries the big clothesline but misses and Jimmy retaliates with Sweet Uso Music and a roll-up for the win at 4:03.
WINNER: Jimmy Uso via pinfall
GRADE: D+. Yawn. At least it was short and the Usos added a win.
TONIGHT:
But, on Monday, it was apparent that even Creative wasn't buying their own bullshit. Suddenly, Rollins was ready to "break his silence" which was amusing since, you know, he already spoke on Smackdown and practically gave the fans the finger. Cole had scored an exclusive interview with Rollins, having beaten some tough competition in Barbara Walters who was ready to come out of retirement to get the scoop after Brian Williams was turned down.
This time, he was ready to be nice and explain. And, like abused, yet forgiving children, we let Dad explain himself while he was sober and coherent.
So we're on the same page: a few months back, Rollins teases a break-up that never materializes because nobody wanted it, we had Ric Flair endorse The Shield, the new faction. The old faction, Evolution, puts them over...and then, for some reason, a last-second decision was made for Rollins to complete the heel turn nobody wanted, thus negating everything that had happened in the last eight weeks. Three days later, Rollins doesn't have to explain dick to you. Two days later, he's "breaking a silence" he already broke to explain himself. Also, The Shield will probably find another third member, making the sudden break-up pointless.
If you think I'm asking too many questions and not enjoying what I'm watching, my gripes are warranted.
I mean, fuck. Brie's gone for no reason whatsoever, stemming from an angle that, really, had no downside at all. And, while I'm at it, how DID the McMahons get the belts from Daniel Bryan? Seriously. He wasn't at the arena and it's not like he left them behind and he didn't return Steph's call. What, did they send in WWE Special Ops to raid his home and retrieve the belt?
Episodes of Glee have more continuity and nuance than this.
And, hell, for all we know, Rollins will pull a Daniel Bryan/Wyatts deal and rebel and truly destroy Evolution from the inside. Then we can just laugh about how The Shield has four members like the Horsemen and everything will be right again in the world.
Let's dive into this week...
We are LIVE(!) from the Resch Center in Green Bay, Wisconsin!
Byron Saxton and Tom Philips are the guys on the mics.
Triple H's music hits and out comes God, himself, to mingle with us mortals. Triple H says there's a lot of controversy in the WWE right now. Questions are everywhere like, "WHY? Why did we strip Daniel Bryan of the title?" So, we get Dr. Maroon 5 on screen, telling us Bryan can't compete yet. Dude's a real doctor. Really.
Triple H says it's because of the fans that Bryan is no longer the champ. He's delivering a new champion at Money in the Bank. We'll see a "moment we will never forget". He says there's other controversy, too...
Clips of The Shield break-up.
Triple H brings Seth Rollins out to his modified Cesaro theme music. Triple H wants to know how it felt to betray his friends. The crowd chants, "YOU SOLD OUT" instead of "CM PUNK". I'm impressed. Rollins says that he felt powerful when he took out Reigns and Ambrose. They're mediocre like the fans. Rollins says that opportunities are created when you take initiative. That's what he did. He adapted and he evolved. This is the Evolution of Seth Rollins. He did what he had to do: he cut dead weight from his life.
The crowd chants "BORING" and Rollins says he'd like to thank Triple H for everything.
And, just like on Smackdown, Ziggler's out to yack. He says he'd like to congratulate Rollins for being a scumbag traitor. He says that Rollins took a shortcut. Ziggler doesn't take shortcuts. Ziggler says he's gonna wipe that smug look off Rollins' face. Tonight, he's gonna show the world what it means to be a WWE Superstar and he'll do it without an ego-maniacal boss holding his hand the entire way. He tells Rollins to sharpen his knife because he'll need it.
NEXT: Jimmy Uso will face Luke Harper.
A plug for a WWE Studios filmic meltdown biker mess called, "Road to Paloma". Only of interest if you wanna see real-life husband and wife Jason Mamoa and Lisa Bonet pretend to fuck.
MATCH #1: Jimmy Uso (w/ Jey Uso) vs. Luke Harper (w/ Erick Rowan)
Jimmy gets beat up a bit, then comes back with a kick to Harper's stomach. He tries a high-rope move but Harper chokes Jimmy against the ropes. Jimmy hits a knee to Harper's back off the ropes but Harper no-sells and runs at Jimmy. Jimmy hits a Crossbody and gets a one-count. Harper hits a suplex and gets two. He goes for the Gator Roll and then a headlock. Harper puts Jimmy in the corner but Jimmy kicks Harper in the face and hits a nice flipping splash off the top rope. Harper is in the corner and Jimmy runs at him but Harper kicks Jimmy's head off his shoulders. Harper follows up but gets dumped outside. Jimmy goes for a Flying Uso but Harper hits a forearm. He tries the big clothesline but misses and Jimmy retaliates with Sweet Uso Music and a roll-up for the win at 4:03.
WINNER: Jimmy Uso via pinfall
GRADE: D+. Yawn. At least it was short and the Usos added a win.
TONIGHT:
- Dolph Ziggler
jobs tofaces Seth Rollins. Again. - Kofi Kingston vs. Rusev. Again.
Lana's here to talk about Putin and show off her ass...and she's all out of Putin. Lana says she is "natural" and that men desire her instead of American women. This whole spot will probably go longer than the match that's about to follow.
Out comes Rusev with his giant prop medal from Party City. Lana puts it into a carry case.
(Quick note from the G/F: "The medal has been around since 1992 and has been given out an estimated 970 times -- 440, posthumously. Putin's armed forces take Crimea without a drop of blood being spilled and Rusev wins the medal for squashing the base of the WWE's totem pole. Also, he's banging Lana in real life...you know what? Give him a parade to go with the medal. As long as they're intent on bullshitting this crowd, they might as well go the full nine.")
MATCH #2: Kofi Kingston vs. Rusev (w/ Lana) Kofi kicks at Rusev. So Rusev body drops him but Kofi reverses and tries a Sunset Flip. Rusev goes for the Accolade but Kofi squirms free. He stomps at Kofi. Kofi kicks Rusev in the head and in his gut. Kofi hits a crossbody and gets two. More kicks. Rusev is stunned. Kofi leaps up on Rusev's shoulders but Rusev hits some knees to Kofi's gut, then tosses him backwards on the mat. He tosses Kofi outside. Holy shit, an actual match? I don't know what to do here. I wasn't prepared to watch this. He tosses Kofi into the crowd barrier, then back into the ring. Rusev climbs back into the ring, gets a kick on Kofi and hits the Accolade and we're done at 3:39.
WINNER: Rusev via Accolade
GRADE: F. (G/F: "Didn't we JUST watch this match last night? Except Kofi was Zack Ryder and Lana was wearing a different color dress? The only difference is that the Russian flag hasn't dropped ye--[flag drops]--oh, nevermind.")
STILL TO COME: Ziggler vs. Rollins
A commercial for WWEShop.com.
DID YOU KNOW: RAW AND SMACKDOWN WERE #1 IN THEIR TIMESLOTS LAST WEEK!!! Sure! Anything's possible when your shows are anywhere from three to six times longer than the usual show...
Renee Young interviews Summer Rae about attacking Layla on RAW last night. Summer smiles to death and then calls Layla a twat (not kidding) and then Layla hits Summer with a box of Fresh Step cat litter. And milk. Can't imagine why the Divas are so unpopular with viewers like myself...
Dolph's out for the Main Event...but, first, a commercial for WWE Countdown.
MATCH #3: Dolph Ziggler vs. Seth Rollins
No Triple H in Rollins' corner. There's an attempted lock-up and Rollins wriggles free and rolls out of the ring. Back inside, he shoulderblocks Ziggler but Ziggler comes back with a hip toss. Long headlock and Ziggler gets a shoulderblock and dropkick off a whip. Rollins trips Ziggler, grabs his legs and slingshots him into the turnbuckle as we go to break.
A plug for Wrestlemania XXX on home video and a Special Olympics ad.
Back on Main Event, another headlock by Rollins. Ziggler tries to escape but Rollins kicks him and hits three suplexes. He slaps at Ziggler and tells him to "talk trash now". Ziggler gets to his feet and punches at Rollins but ends up getting tossed into the corner buckle. Rollins kicks at Ziggler's head, taunting him. He whips Ziggler into the corner but Ziggler counters and leaps on Rollins with a Sleeper. Rollins charges the corner but Ziggler moves and hits a crossbody and then a bodydrop. Ziggler elbow set and a two count.
Ziggler goes for a neckbreaker but Rollins reverses with a backslide and reverse clothesline, getting two. Rollins goes top rope. Ziggler tries to face-plant him but Rollins kicks him off. He jumps but Ziggler dropkicks him in the stomach, getting two. Ziggler get to his feet and tries a Tornado DDT but Rollins counters and tosses him to the ropes. Rollins hits an Enzuguri, using the ropes, then goes off the top rope but Ziggler counters with a Fame-Asser, getting a CLOSE fall.
Ziggler triest another Sleeper, but Rollins shoves him. He jumps on Rollins and hits his usual flurry of punches. Rollins shoves him off. Ziggler does it again. This time, Rollins grabs Ziggler and tosses him, spine-first, into the turnbuckle, then hits the Curb Stomp at 10:49 for the win.
WINNER: Seth Rollins via Curb Stomp
GRADE: C+. Jesus, it's bad enough they're burying Ziggler. They don't even have the dignity to sell any of his moves anymore, either. Oh, and nice Shield run-in. Weren't Ambrose and Reigns saying that Rollins had to look over his shoulder? Where were they here?
That's the show.
OVERALL: C+. Simply put, we need better storylines and payoffs and more unpredictability. It's the same thing each week now.
--
Thank you to all my readers and if you wanna read more of my stuff, please visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and, of course, visit us on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/wehateyourgimmick/.
WINNER: Rusev via Accolade
GRADE: F. (G/F: "Didn't we JUST watch this match last night? Except Kofi was Zack Ryder and Lana was wearing a different color dress? The only difference is that the Russian flag hasn't dropped ye--[flag drops]--oh, nevermind.")
STILL TO COME: Ziggler vs. Rollins
A commercial for WWEShop.com.
DID YOU KNOW: RAW AND SMACKDOWN WERE #1 IN THEIR TIMESLOTS LAST WEEK!!! Sure! Anything's possible when your shows are anywhere from three to six times longer than the usual show...
Renee Young interviews Summer Rae about attacking Layla on RAW last night. Summer smiles to death and then calls Layla a twat (not kidding) and then Layla hits Summer with a box of Fresh Step cat litter. And milk. Can't imagine why the Divas are so unpopular with viewers like myself...
Dolph's out for the Main Event...but, first, a commercial for WWE Countdown.
MATCH #3: Dolph Ziggler vs. Seth Rollins
No Triple H in Rollins' corner. There's an attempted lock-up and Rollins wriggles free and rolls out of the ring. Back inside, he shoulderblocks Ziggler but Ziggler comes back with a hip toss. Long headlock and Ziggler gets a shoulderblock and dropkick off a whip. Rollins trips Ziggler, grabs his legs and slingshots him into the turnbuckle as we go to break.
A plug for Wrestlemania XXX on home video and a Special Olympics ad.
Back on Main Event, another headlock by Rollins. Ziggler tries to escape but Rollins kicks him and hits three suplexes. He slaps at Ziggler and tells him to "talk trash now". Ziggler gets to his feet and punches at Rollins but ends up getting tossed into the corner buckle. Rollins kicks at Ziggler's head, taunting him. He whips Ziggler into the corner but Ziggler counters and leaps on Rollins with a Sleeper. Rollins charges the corner but Ziggler moves and hits a crossbody and then a bodydrop. Ziggler elbow set and a two count.
Ziggler goes for a neckbreaker but Rollins reverses with a backslide and reverse clothesline, getting two. Rollins goes top rope. Ziggler tries to face-plant him but Rollins kicks him off. He jumps but Ziggler dropkicks him in the stomach, getting two. Ziggler get to his feet and tries a Tornado DDT but Rollins counters and tosses him to the ropes. Rollins hits an Enzuguri, using the ropes, then goes off the top rope but Ziggler counters with a Fame-Asser, getting a CLOSE fall.
Ziggler triest another Sleeper, but Rollins shoves him. He jumps on Rollins and hits his usual flurry of punches. Rollins shoves him off. Ziggler does it again. This time, Rollins grabs Ziggler and tosses him, spine-first, into the turnbuckle, then hits the Curb Stomp at 10:49 for the win.
WINNER: Seth Rollins via Curb Stomp
GRADE: C+. Jesus, it's bad enough they're burying Ziggler. They don't even have the dignity to sell any of his moves anymore, either. Oh, and nice Shield run-in. Weren't Ambrose and Reigns saying that Rollins had to look over his shoulder? Where were they here?
That's the show.
OVERALL: C+. Simply put, we need better storylines and payoffs and more unpredictability. It's the same thing each week now.
--
That's
it. Thanks to Scott Keith, who will get you the NXT report and
Tommy will take you into the weekend with the Smackdown Review. Andy PG
will start your week off right with the PG Era Raw Rant on Monday.
Thank you to all my readers and if you wanna read more of my stuff, please visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and, of course, visit us on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/wehateyourgimmick/.
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