Here we are again for another Event Formerly Known as a Pay Per View.
Apparently, The Rhodes Brothers were added at the last moment as was Bo Dallas. How Dallas and the Rhodes's are even on this card is beyond me and should really show you how thin this roster has become.
Why they couldn't just have Brie fight Steph is also confusing. Here's an angle that would do double duty: they push a Divas Match everyone would be interested in seeing and they tie it into Daniel Byran's plight by saying the the big title is on the line. If Brie wins, title stays with Bryan. If Steph wins, the Authority strips the title.
But, no.
We get Bo Dallas vs. Kofi and Big E vs. Rusev. And, before you protest, does anyone actually care about either of those matches?
That's what I thought.
Anyhow, here's your card
(For the record: Torito beat Hornswaggle and then did a terrible job of shaving his head.)
We start with Aloe Blacc's "Ticking Bomb" along with the cracked ice graphics, introducing Payback.
Promo shows that there are those who are remain in charge and those who wish to ascend into the light. We get clips of the major feuds, Cena/Wyatt and Evolution/Shield.
It's time for PAYBACK!
W are LIVE(!!!) from the Allstate Arena in Chicago, Illinois!
JBL, Cole, and King are your guys on the mic.
Carlos Cabrera, Marcelo Rodriguez and Ricardo Rodriguez are on the Spanish mics.
Sheamus is out for his match with Cesaro and we get a recap of this feud from beginning until now.
MATCH #1: Sheamus (champion) vs. Cesaro (challenger) (w/ Paul Heyman) for the WWE United States Championship
Paul Heyman is out to advocate for a "Paul Heyman guy". The crowd chants, big-time, for CM Punk. Heyman says that "HE is not here tonight" because he's at The United Center, watching the Blackhawks getting their "Streak broken" just like Brock Lesnar did to the Undertaker. He finally introduces Cesaro. The two guys comes out running. Sheamus hits some immediate forearms and a kneelift. He goes for a Rolling Senton but Cesaro counters it and starts kicking at Sheamus in the corner. Sheamus comes back with some elbows and a short-arm clothesline but misses an elbow smash. Cesaro hits a nice running uppercut in the corner and follows it up with some of those in the corner. Sheamus counters on an Irish Whip with a Rolling Senton, then goes for 10 Beats but Cesaro drops his neck on the ropes. Sheamus comes back and hits a forearm and Ten Beats. Then he grabs Cesaro and does it AGAIN.
Crowd just shits all over Sheamus as he takes Cesaro and dumps him into the crowd barrier. He rolls Cesaro back in and goes for another ten beats but Cesaro gets free and hits a HUGE uppercut when Sheamus goes for the Battering Ram. Cesaro grabs Sheamus and rams his head into the ring post, then hits the Powerplex on Sheamus from outside the ropes! Cesaro hits a huge powerbomb and chest stomp and gets two. Cesaro continues and hits uppercuts in two corners. Sheamus rushes out of the second corner and hits a huge Irish Curse Backbreaker. He stomps at Cesaro and clotheslines him to the mat, dropping a huge knee on Cesaros neck twice from the second rope. Sheamus goes up again and huts a third, and NEARLY gets a fall. Cesaro comes back and hits a HUGE flying uppercut from the turnbuckle and gets two. He rushes Sheamus in the corner and runs into a big boot twice. Sheamus goes to the top rope, misses and attack but rolls out of it. He misses a clothesline and Cesaro hits a HUGE uppercut out of nowhere and NEARLY gets a pin.
Cesaro slaps at Sheamus and whips him into the ropes but Sheamus comes back with a powerslam, getting two. Sheamus sets up for the Brogue but misses. Cesaro hits the German Suplex and gets two! Cesaro tries for the Neutralizer but Sheamus counters with White Noise...1...2...KICKOUT. Wow. Both guys get to their feet. Sheamus goes for the Cloverleaf. Cesaro kicks Sheamus away. Cesaro goes off the ropes but Sheamus catches him and puts him into the Cloverleaf again! Cesaro claws for the ropes and gets there. Cesaro hits an Inverted Suplex and hits the Cesaro Swing getting nearly 20 spins. Cesaro goes for the Neutralizer but Sheamus hits the Small Package pin for the win at 11:27.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Sheamus via Small Package
GRADE: Solid A. That was great. Like the Main Event match, only with an ending.
Post-match, Sheamus grins ear to ear as Cesaro and Heyman cannot believe it.
Plug for the WWE Countdown Show.
We're back and we get a lead-up to the next match.
MATCH #2: Goldust & Cody Rhodes vs. RybAxel (Ryback & Curtis Axel)
Dust and Axel to start. Dust gets a nice slap in the corner and Axel comes back with punches. He tosses Dust into the ropes and Dust reverses and hits an Atomic Drop and armdrag, tagging in Cody. He's all over Axel and a tag to Ryback. The Rhodes Brothers double team him with a kick to the stomach and a follow-up elbow to the back of his head. Tag to Axel and Axel hits a quick kneelift and tags in Ryback. Double teaming and a corner splash. Series of tags back and forth. Axel hits a double axehandle off the buckle. Tag to Ryback who stomps at Dust and works on his arm. Ryback hits a huge suplex and gets two. Quick armlock by Ryback as the crowd is behind Dust to escape. He does but Ryback body slams him. He picks Dust up but Dust counters with a small package for two and then hits an elbow. Dust trues for a tag but can't do it. Axel is in and stops him by slinging him into the heel corner. Dust fights out and hits a NICE rolling Powerbomb for two. He makes the hot tag to Cody who boots Ryback and a Missile Dropkick. Axel goes off the top rope from the outside but Cody catches him as well and then hits a Double Moonsault on both men. Cody gets two and goes for the Disaster Kick but Ryback catches him and throws him into Dust. Ryback hits the Meathook but Dust makes the save on the pin. Ryback rushes and gets caught in Cross-Rhodes! Axel makes the save and gets tossed out of the ring. Cody goes for another move but Ryback hits Shell Shock for the win at around 7:31.
WINNERS: RybAxel via Shell Shock
GRADE: C+. That wasn't too bad. A little quick but that was fitting.
Post-match, Cody sits in the ring and can't believe it. Dust comes in to console him but Cody's not having it. He asks for a mic. Cody says, "Brother to brother, you need a better tag team partner than me." Then he leaves and Dust looks destroyed.
JBL: "I wasn't expecting that." Really?
We get an ad for whatever shitty Mountain Dew flavor the announcers are pretending to like.
We get a video of Wrigley Field as the boys lament the fact that the ballpark will never have a winner.
Lana is introduced as she plugs Russia and Putin. Rusev is suddenly "residing in Moscow", according to the announcer. He comes out waving the Russian flag like he's killing swarms of bees.
MATCH #3: Rusev (w/ Lana) vs. Big E
(G/F: "Yeah, you're fucked now, Rusev! E's got a FLAG, TOO!") The two run at each other and collide. Rusev takes over with giant fists. E comes back, doing the same, but Rusev hits a German Suplex Throw on E. He beats on E with punches and a corner splash as the crowd chants that they want Ziggler. Rusev rushes E in the corner but E counters, hitting a Spinebuster! Rusev struggles to get up and E HITS A SPEAR TO THE OUTSIDE! HOLY SHIT. E gets to his feet as Lana nearly pops a vein, screaming at Rusev to get up. E puts Rusev back in and gets two. E runs at Rusev but Rusev hits Sweet Russian Music HARD on E's chin. Lana tells Rusev to CRUSH. Accolade by Rusev. E tries to escape but, fuck it. E taps at 3:43.
WINNER: Rusev via Accolade
GRADE: D+. Come on. A nice, big, long match could have really gotten Rusev over. He remains boring as hell with another short match where he practically squashes one of the better guys on the roster. What sense does that make?
The next PPV is Money in the Bank. Whoever thought the idea of a talking pile of money was awesome needs to be fired.
Daniel Bryan and Brie Bella are backstage, talking. We can't hear what they're saying.
MATCH #4: Kofi Kingston vs. Bo Dallas
Speaking of boring noobs...we begin...and Kane? He gets in the ring. Dallas bails. Kofi attacks, gets his ass kicked, then gets Chokeslammed and Tombstoned all as Dallas looks on. Kane hits fire and leaves the ring. Refs tend to Kofi. Dallas grabs a mic and tells Kofi he'll be back on his feet. All he has to do is BO-LIEVE. Kane destroyed the wrong fucking person.
WINNER: No contest.
GRADE: Do you even have to ask? By the way: the last three matches were added at the last second. We flew threw three of them in ten minutes and one of them wasn't even a match. Honestly, what was the point of having them at all? At the very least, they finally DID close the door on the Rhodes brothers.
Clips from the Payback Kick-Off Show where Torito beat Hornswaggle and Swaggle got his head shaved.
MATCH #5: Rob Van Dam (challenger) vs. Bad News Barrett (champion) for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
Barrett says that he's got bad news: RVD isn't going to be the champ and that RVD is Old Yeller. Lock-up and Barrett gets his arm locked but fights out. Quick brawl between the two. Both men punch each other until RVD hits a spinning kick. Crowd is split. (G/F: "So every single feud has to have a Let's Go Cena/Cena sucks chant, huh?") Barrett gets tossed from the ring. RVD kicks him and the fight spills outside. RVD tosses him into the barricade and punches at him. He breaks the count and then hits a huge Flying Roundhouse as the crowd chants, "ECW". RVD puts Barrett into the ring and hits a flying legdrop off the top rope. Two count. RVD tosses Barrett into the corner but Barrett reverses and kicks RVD in the nads as RVD misses a handstand counter. RVD goes outside and Barrett hits an elbow off the mat. The fight goes back in the ring. Barrett drapes RVD on the top rope, punches at him and celebrates, then hits a kneelift and gets a two-count.
Headlock by Barrett as the announcers joke about how much more interesting British celebrities would be more interesting if they delivered bad news. RVD gets to his feet and hits another spinning kick on a counter. RVD hits running clotheslines and rams Barrett's head into the corner buckle. He tries Rolling Thunder but Barrett gets up. RVD puts him back down with Sweet RVD Music and Rolling Thunder. He goes for the Splash but misses by a mile. Barrett misses the Bullhammer! RVD hits a Scissor Pin but gets two! RVD gets up and flies right into Winds of Change! Two count! Barrett goes for the Bullhammer outside but hits the ring post! Fight goes back inside and RVD hits a HUGE DDT! Two Count. He goes for a Senton off the ropes but Barrett puts the knees up and RVD goes down. Barrett gets up and hits the Bullhammer and we're done at 9:28.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Bad News Barrett via Bullhammer
GRADE: B-. Finally picked up on the last half. Well-fought.
King takes a swig of Mountain Dew, makes a face like he just swallow cow testicles and then grins.
We get a recap of the whole Daniel Bryan title thing.
With that, Steph gets in the ring wearing a body dress. Homina, homina...Steph thanks the audience and says that tonight is a historic night. Will Daniel Bryan give up the title or will she be forced to fire Brie. She brings Daniel Bryan out. The crowd pops big-time. Steph says this is all on him. She says that she knows they'll conceive some "weird, bearded babies" but she wants to know what story the Daniel Bryan family will tell those children.
Daniel Bryan says that Steph's ignoring what this audience wants. He's giving Steph the chance to change her mind. The crowd chants for CM Punk. The look on Bryan's face is pure incredulity. Steph says that the crowd doesn't care. They WANT him to quit, just like CM Punk.
Bryan says that Steph is...what's the word?
Brie: "BITCH."
Steph says that Brie made a poor choice in a husband. Brie says that it's time for Bryan to do the right thing. She puts her hands out. Bryan takes the belt in his hands...Brie blocks her husband and then says she's not gonna be a powerless victim. Steph doesn't control her. Steph says Brie works for Steph. Brie says she's wrong. She can't fire her, She QUITS.
Steph goes Sheer Evil and laughs in Brie's face, cackling big time. So Brie slaps Steph in the face! The crowd loves it. Daniel Bryan and Brie do the YES Chant. Steph leaves the ring, totally shocked.
NEXT TIME ON LEGENDS HOUSE: The wrestlers do a roast for some reason.
Back from break, Cole attaches the words, "critically acclaimed" to the show. They recap what's just happened.
We get a recap for the Cena/Wyatt feud.
MATCH #6: Bray Wyatt (w/ Luke Harper & Erick Rowan) vs. John Cena (w/ Jimmy & Jey Uso)
Crowd loves the Wyatts so it doesn't look like the King Beating Spot worked much. Wyatt waits outside the ring as Cena is introduced. Cena comes out, sans Usos. That makes no sense whatsoever. The Wyatt Family gets in the ring to jump Cena...and HERE are the Usos. The Wyatts bail. The Usos pound the mat to get the crowd roaring and an Uso chant starts. This is awesome. It's a brawl to start. Bray hits a mean uppercut and a back elbow off an Irish Whip. Bray puts Cena in the corner and hits a running clothesline. Cena gets to his feet, Bray dances around the ring with him and Cena hits moves 1 through 3, then goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle and hits it. AA attempt doesn't work and Bray hits a Gutbuster, kneeing Cena in the stomach with a knee. Bray kicks Cena but misses the Reverse Senton. Cena tries the STF but Wyatt kicks out and hits the HUGE Spinebuster.
Bray goes into Hanging Spider mode and Sister Abigail but Cena blocks. The two goes into the ropes and Wyatt hits a shoulderblock. Cena hangs off the ropes and Wyatt drops Cena's neck off the ropes. Cena gets to his feet. The Family comes to help out and the Usos back up Cena. Wyatt gets back into the ring and goes for a Superplex but Cena breaks out with a headbutt. Cena goes top rope and hits the Flying Legdrop. Both men are down. Bray gets up. As does Cena. Cena tries the AA but Wyatt counters and hits Sister Abigail. Cena twitches at 5. Cena to his knee at 7 and to his feet at 8. Bray rushes at Cena and flies right into the AA! Wyatt Spiders up at 7.
The Wyatts hit the ring and so do the Usos. It's a brawl that spills outside. Harper flies outside but hits Rowan instead of the Usos. One of the Usos goes off the top rope and splashes both Wyatts and the other Uso. Back in the ring, Wyatt has a chair and clubs Cena with it. Cena rolls outside. Cena gets to his knees at 6 and then to his feet. Bray misses the chair to the head, Cena grabs it and clubs Bray across the back. Back in the ring, Cena nails Bray with the chair again. Bray's mouth is bleeding. Cena goes outside, looks under the mat and gets a table, sliding it inside the ring. He sets it up. Bray attacks but Cena gets Bray up for the AA...Bray counters and hits the Suplex Throw on Cena THROUGH THE TABLE.
Cena's up to his feet at 8. Bray puts the steel steps in the ring and nails Cena in the face. He gets the crowd to sing HGTWWIHH. Cena gets to his feet. He sets Cena up across the steel steps and then goes outside for the chair, tossing it into the ring. He misses the chair shot. Cena hits it instead, then nails Bray with the steel steps. Bray rolls out of the ring and lands on his feet. Cena lifts up the steps and throws them out of the ring right at Bray's head like a Cliff Lee fastball. Bray gets to his feet at 9. Cena goes under the mat for another table, then goes after Bray instead but Bray hits Sister Abigail! Holy shit. Cena gets to his feet at 7 as the crowd chants, "THIS IS AWESOME".
Bray tosses Cena at the ring post but Cena reverses and Bray flies into the post instead. He pulls Bray to his ropes and goes for a powerbomb on the steps but Bray reverses it and back drops Cena on the steps instead. Cena is still down at 5 and Bray flies at Cena, hitting the Reverse Senton. Cena gets up to his knees at 5 and gets to his feet at 6. Bray kicks at Cena, brawling outside. Bray beats on Cena, then grabs a chair but Cena counters and hits the AA on the mat outside. During the count, The Wyatt Family comes in out of whatever black hole they were in and attack Cena. They help Bray up and then attack Cena some more. They go outside and set up a table.
The Usos appear and they fly at the Wyatts outside. Jimmy gets clubbed into the face when trying to go outside for Harper. Tables get set up. Bray's practically dead outside and the ref isn't counting. Rowan and Jey fight. Jey hits Chin Music and then Rikishi Splashes Rowan into the table. Jimmy attacks Harper, but Harper puts Jimmy up on the top turnbuckle AND SUPERPLEXES JIMMY THROUGH THE TABLES OUTSIDE!!! Crowd is chanting "HOLY SHIT" as Bray and Cena get to their feet. Cena goes for the AA but Bray kicks out, misses a clothesline. Bray runs at Cena and they go right into the timekeeper's pit. The two get up and fight into the crowd. Bray picks Cena up and dumps Bray into the pyro/audo pit, causing a firework to blow up. He picks up Cena who grabs Bray for the AA...and CENA AA'S HIM INTO A HARDWARE CRATE! Then he pushes another hardware crate on top of that crate, climbs on top of it. The ref counts ten and Cena's your winner at around 24:30.
LAST MAN STANDING: John Cena
GRADE: A+. Way, way, WAY better than expected. Satisfying as hell. That was the Match of the Night so far and a candidate for Match of the Year.
Post-match, the Usos celebrate with Cena.
Plug for the Money in the Bank PPV.
Special Olympics plug.
Divas Match is next.
Me: Oh good. Here's your Divas Match.
G/F: Why don't you just get it over with and write the "F" in there right now?
MATCH #7: Alicia Fox (challenger) vs. Paige (champion) for the WWE Divas Championship
Lock up and armdrag by Paige. Fox dumps Paige outside as Cole actually says, "You can't win the title outside the ring." Fox and Paige fight outside the ropes as Paige hits knees and suplexes her inside, hitting elbows on Fox in the corner. Fox rolls outside and starts crying. Paige goes after her but Fox trips her. Fox goes into crazy mode again, taunting fans. Paige recovers and rams her into the barricade. Paige pulls her by her hair up the steel steps but Fox tosses her up and into the air. Paige crashes into the barricade and gets rolled back into the ring. Fox hits a Bridge Suplex and gets two. Fox yells something about having her face ruined and then hits an armlock to Bridge Chinlock. Fox puts Paige into another submission move, bending Paige's back over her knee, then hits a Spinning Backbreaker on her for two. King: "You never know who a woman truly is until you meet her in court." Ouch. Fox goes for another Spinning Backbreaker but decides to toss Paige outside instead. Paige gets back in the ring with a dropkick and clotheslines, then does a "Roman Reigns roar". She hits the PTO and we're done at 6:17. JBL: "Somebody call security NOW before something bad happens."
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Paige via PTO
GRADE: D+. Eh...can we put an end to Fox now and actually test Paige with someone else?
The crowd chants, "YOU TAPPED OUT". Fox threatens to go apeshit...but doesn't for a change.
We get a nice shot of the city of Chicago outside the arena.
Cole checks in with the WWE Panel, Josh Matthews, Alex Riley and Booker T. Kofi is noticeably absent. Strangely, the panel talks about everything except that.
We get a recap of the Shield/Evolution feud.
MATCH #8: Evolution (Triple H, Randy Orton, and Batista) vs. The Shield (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, and Roman Reigns) in No Holds Barred Elimination Tag Team Match
Somebody in the crowd has a sign that says, "SPEAR ME, ROMAN". Uh...bell rings and it's a Pier 6 Brawl to start. Batista and Reigns fall outside. Orton dumps Ambrose. HHH and Rollins are in the ring. Rollins hits an Enzuguri. The right just falls into the crowd. Orton and Ambrose brawl. You can't follow this. Rollins dumps HHH back in. Batista and Reigns end up back outside the ring as Batista gets sent into the steel steps. Ambrose gets dumped into the Timekeeper's pit. Reigns puts Batista back in and uppercuts him. Ambrose finds his way back into the Shield corner. Reigns tags Rollins who puts Batista down and then stomps on him. Batista sends Rollins into the buckle. Tag to Orton who gets elbowed off the ropes by Rollins. Tag to Ambrose. Double Suplex by the Shield. Ambrose hits an elbow smash and then puts Orton into a reverse leglock while taunting Evolution. Ambrose pulls Orton into his corner. Reigns tags in. Orton manages to break free and tag Batista.
Reigns puts Batista out. Ambrose tags in but flies into a Batista Spinebuster. Tag to HHH. Ambrose put into the corner but kicks at HHH and tags Reigns...the two glare at one another and then finally lock up. HHH into the ropes and he gets a shoulderblock from Reigns. HHH gets up. Reigns hits a body drop off a run. Tag to Ambrose. Ambrose headbutts HHH and stomps him. Ambrose tags Rollins who splashes HHH and hits three straight suplexes. Tag to Ambrose who puts his foot on HHH's face and hits a rolling splash in the corner. Two count. Ambrose goes to the top rope but HHH kicks him in the face on the way down. Tag to Batista who tosses Ambrose into the barrier, stomping away. HHH and Batista double team Ambrose with the ref's back turned even though it's supposed to be no-DQ. Tag to Orton. Ambrose fights him off and tosses him into the ropes but can't hit the body drop. Orton tosses Ambrose to the mat by his hair.
Tag to HHH who drops some knees to Ambrose. HHH tries to whip Ambrose into the corner but Ambrose reverses and HHH gets sent into the buckle and out of the ring. Ambrose crawls to his corner but HHH stops him. HHH hits the Kneelift but Ambrose bounces off the ropes and hits a clothesline. Hot tag to Reigns who takes out Orton and beats on Batista in the corner, then a HUGE running clothesline. Rollins comes in and takes out Orton who leaps on the mat. HHH gets in and Reigns body drops him, then kicks Batista in the head. Superman Punch by Reigns but HHH makes the save. Pier 6 Brawl again which breaks up. HHH tosses Rollins into the barrier. Orton tosses Ambrose into the ring post. HHH tosses Rollins into the crowd and they fight there. Ambrose and Orton fight into the crowd as well. Rollins fights off HHH and then leaps at him off the barrier. HHH clocks him with something and Ambrose is down. COLE: "What was that?" KING: "I dunno...something metal."
Reigns and Batista fight outside now. Reigns put Batista's head into the post. Reigns starts stripping the table. Orton attacks and then he's joined by Triple H. They strip down the rest of the Spanish Announce Table. They set Reigns up for the Triple Powerbomb and put him right through the table. Evolution rest for a second and assess the damage they just did. Refs tend to Reigns. Evolution goes back to Reigns and mock him with the Shield fists. Ambrose comes out of nowhere and takes out all three guys! Rollins follows up and does the same to HHH and Orton. It's just a brawl now. HHH tosses Ambrose into the ramp barrier as the fight goes up the ramp. Evolution grabs chairs and clocks Ambrose and Rollins. HHH powerbombs Ambrose on a chair, then hits a Pedigree on Rollins on top of another one. Evolution heads back to the ring and surrounds Reigns, who realizes how fucked he is.
Reigns runs at Batista who hits a Spinebuster. Orton stomps at Reigns. Batista goes outside as HHH and Orton strip Reigns of his top. Batista brings the ring steps inside. Orton gets a Kendo Stick or two. HHH rams Reigns' head into the steps. Orton absolutely whacks Reigns across the back with the stick. Batista does the same. The two take turns. HHH gets a stick and joins in. Reigns struggles to his feet with giant welts on his back. Reigns knocks Orton out with the Superman Punch. HHH immediately attacks and then gets a chair, clubbing Reigns with it. They beat up Reigns because Ambrose and Reigns are apparently MIA. Ambrose finally interferes and he gets swarmed by Evolution. Orton hits him with the off-rope DDT, using one of the lighting rigs. Evolution grabs Reigns and gets a chair...AND ROLLINS LEAPS OFF THE JUMBOTRON AND SPLASHES EVERYONE.
Rollins drags himself back into the ring. Batista is with him and charges. Batista gets kicked in the face. Rollins goes to the second buckle and leaps...BATISTA CATCHES HIM AND HITS THE SPINEBUSTER! Batista goes for the Batista Bomb, Rollins fights out of it...AND REIGNS HITS THE SPEAR! Cover by Rollins and Batista is gone!
1st Eliminated: Batista of Evolution
Orton gets into the ring and hits Rollins with the RKO! Reigns saves it! Orton sets up the DDT...but Ambrose nails him with a chair! Dirty Deeds and a pinfall! Orton's gone!
2nd Eliminated: Orton of Evolution
HHH is into the ring and sets up for Dirty Deeds but HHH hits a low blow. He sets up for the Pedigree but Reigns hits the Superman Punch on HHH! BATISTA GETS INTO THE RING AND HITS A SPEAR ON REIGNS! Holy shit. Orton, meanwhile, goes under the ring and gets HHH's sledgehammer. HHH gets to his feet but Ambrose is there. He rushes but HHH knocks him out with it. HHH turns to Reigns and tells him to get up. HHH goes to clock him but Rollins nails him off the ropes out of nowhere! Reigns with a Spear and The Shield wins it all at 31:03.
3rd Eliminated: Triple H of Evolution
WINNERS: The Shield
GRADE: B+. A liiiiitle too much Shield peril as the match just dragged on for no reason other to make this "epic". The beginning and middle got sloppy before things came to an end. The "elimination" gimmick, paired with No-DQ kinda made things a little messy.
Post-match, Reigns and the boys get up. Reigns stands on HHH's chest as they join fists.
OVERALL: B+. The throwaway matches lowered the grade. Still, I liked this one.
--
Thank you to all my readers and if you wanna read more of my stuff, please visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and, of course, visit us on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/wehateyourgimmick/.
Apparently, The Rhodes Brothers were added at the last moment as was Bo Dallas. How Dallas and the Rhodes's are even on this card is beyond me and should really show you how thin this roster has become.
Why they couldn't just have Brie fight Steph is also confusing. Here's an angle that would do double duty: they push a Divas Match everyone would be interested in seeing and they tie it into Daniel Byran's plight by saying the the big title is on the line. If Brie wins, title stays with Bryan. If Steph wins, the Authority strips the title.
But, no.
We get Bo Dallas vs. Kofi and Big E vs. Rusev. And, before you protest, does anyone actually care about either of those matches?
That's what I thought.
Anyhow, here's your card
- El Torito (w/ Diego & Fernando) vs. Hornswaggle (w/ Heath Slater, Jinder Mahal, and Drew McIntyre) in a Mask vs. Hair Match
- Sheamus (champion) vs. Cesaro (challenger) (w/ Paul Heyman) for the WWE United States Championship
- Evolution (Triple H, Randy Orton, and Batista) vs. The Shield (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, and Roman Reigns) in a No Holds Barred Six-Man Elimination Tag Team Match
- John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt (w/ Luke Harper & Erick Rowan) in a Last Man Standing Match
- Bad News Barrett (champion) vs. Rob Van Dam (challenger) for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
- Paige (champion) vs. Alicia Fox (challenger) for the WWE Divas Championship
- Big E vs. Rusev
- Bo Dallas vs. Kofi Kingston
- Cody Rhodes & Goldust vs. RybAxel (Curtis Axel & Ryback)
(For the record: Torito beat Hornswaggle and then did a terrible job of shaving his head.)
We start with Aloe Blacc's "Ticking Bomb" along with the cracked ice graphics, introducing Payback.
Promo shows that there are those who are remain in charge and those who wish to ascend into the light. We get clips of the major feuds, Cena/Wyatt and Evolution/Shield.
It's time for PAYBACK!
W are LIVE(!!!) from the Allstate Arena in Chicago, Illinois!
JBL, Cole, and King are your guys on the mic.
Carlos Cabrera, Marcelo Rodriguez and Ricardo Rodriguez are on the Spanish mics.
Sheamus is out for his match with Cesaro and we get a recap of this feud from beginning until now.
MATCH #1: Sheamus (champion) vs. Cesaro (challenger) (w/ Paul Heyman) for the WWE United States Championship
Paul Heyman is out to advocate for a "Paul Heyman guy". The crowd chants, big-time, for CM Punk. Heyman says that "HE is not here tonight" because he's at The United Center, watching the Blackhawks getting their "Streak broken" just like Brock Lesnar did to the Undertaker. He finally introduces Cesaro. The two guys comes out running. Sheamus hits some immediate forearms and a kneelift. He goes for a Rolling Senton but Cesaro counters it and starts kicking at Sheamus in the corner. Sheamus comes back with some elbows and a short-arm clothesline but misses an elbow smash. Cesaro hits a nice running uppercut in the corner and follows it up with some of those in the corner. Sheamus counters on an Irish Whip with a Rolling Senton, then goes for 10 Beats but Cesaro drops his neck on the ropes. Sheamus comes back and hits a forearm and Ten Beats. Then he grabs Cesaro and does it AGAIN.
Crowd just shits all over Sheamus as he takes Cesaro and dumps him into the crowd barrier. He rolls Cesaro back in and goes for another ten beats but Cesaro gets free and hits a HUGE uppercut when Sheamus goes for the Battering Ram. Cesaro grabs Sheamus and rams his head into the ring post, then hits the Powerplex on Sheamus from outside the ropes! Cesaro hits a huge powerbomb and chest stomp and gets two. Cesaro continues and hits uppercuts in two corners. Sheamus rushes out of the second corner and hits a huge Irish Curse Backbreaker. He stomps at Cesaro and clotheslines him to the mat, dropping a huge knee on Cesaros neck twice from the second rope. Sheamus goes up again and huts a third, and NEARLY gets a fall. Cesaro comes back and hits a HUGE flying uppercut from the turnbuckle and gets two. He rushes Sheamus in the corner and runs into a big boot twice. Sheamus goes to the top rope, misses and attack but rolls out of it. He misses a clothesline and Cesaro hits a HUGE uppercut out of nowhere and NEARLY gets a pin.
Cesaro slaps at Sheamus and whips him into the ropes but Sheamus comes back with a powerslam, getting two. Sheamus sets up for the Brogue but misses. Cesaro hits the German Suplex and gets two! Cesaro tries for the Neutralizer but Sheamus counters with White Noise...1...2...KICKOUT. Wow. Both guys get to their feet. Sheamus goes for the Cloverleaf. Cesaro kicks Sheamus away. Cesaro goes off the ropes but Sheamus catches him and puts him into the Cloverleaf again! Cesaro claws for the ropes and gets there. Cesaro hits an Inverted Suplex and hits the Cesaro Swing getting nearly 20 spins. Cesaro goes for the Neutralizer but Sheamus hits the Small Package pin for the win at 11:27.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Sheamus via Small Package
GRADE: Solid A. That was great. Like the Main Event match, only with an ending.
Post-match, Sheamus grins ear to ear as Cesaro and Heyman cannot believe it.
Plug for the WWE Countdown Show.
We're back and we get a lead-up to the next match.
MATCH #2: Goldust & Cody Rhodes vs. RybAxel (Ryback & Curtis Axel)
Dust and Axel to start. Dust gets a nice slap in the corner and Axel comes back with punches. He tosses Dust into the ropes and Dust reverses and hits an Atomic Drop and armdrag, tagging in Cody. He's all over Axel and a tag to Ryback. The Rhodes Brothers double team him with a kick to the stomach and a follow-up elbow to the back of his head. Tag to Axel and Axel hits a quick kneelift and tags in Ryback. Double teaming and a corner splash. Series of tags back and forth. Axel hits a double axehandle off the buckle. Tag to Ryback who stomps at Dust and works on his arm. Ryback hits a huge suplex and gets two. Quick armlock by Ryback as the crowd is behind Dust to escape. He does but Ryback body slams him. He picks Dust up but Dust counters with a small package for two and then hits an elbow. Dust trues for a tag but can't do it. Axel is in and stops him by slinging him into the heel corner. Dust fights out and hits a NICE rolling Powerbomb for two. He makes the hot tag to Cody who boots Ryback and a Missile Dropkick. Axel goes off the top rope from the outside but Cody catches him as well and then hits a Double Moonsault on both men. Cody gets two and goes for the Disaster Kick but Ryback catches him and throws him into Dust. Ryback hits the Meathook but Dust makes the save on the pin. Ryback rushes and gets caught in Cross-Rhodes! Axel makes the save and gets tossed out of the ring. Cody goes for another move but Ryback hits Shell Shock for the win at around 7:31.
WINNERS: RybAxel via Shell Shock
GRADE: C+. That wasn't too bad. A little quick but that was fitting.
Post-match, Cody sits in the ring and can't believe it. Dust comes in to console him but Cody's not having it. He asks for a mic. Cody says, "Brother to brother, you need a better tag team partner than me." Then he leaves and Dust looks destroyed.
JBL: "I wasn't expecting that." Really?
We get an ad for whatever shitty Mountain Dew flavor the announcers are pretending to like.
We get a video of Wrigley Field as the boys lament the fact that the ballpark will never have a winner.
Lana is introduced as she plugs Russia and Putin. Rusev is suddenly "residing in Moscow", according to the announcer. He comes out waving the Russian flag like he's killing swarms of bees.
MATCH #3: Rusev (w/ Lana) vs. Big E
(G/F: "Yeah, you're fucked now, Rusev! E's got a FLAG, TOO!") The two run at each other and collide. Rusev takes over with giant fists. E comes back, doing the same, but Rusev hits a German Suplex Throw on E. He beats on E with punches and a corner splash as the crowd chants that they want Ziggler. Rusev rushes E in the corner but E counters, hitting a Spinebuster! Rusev struggles to get up and E HITS A SPEAR TO THE OUTSIDE! HOLY SHIT. E gets to his feet as Lana nearly pops a vein, screaming at Rusev to get up. E puts Rusev back in and gets two. E runs at Rusev but Rusev hits Sweet Russian Music HARD on E's chin. Lana tells Rusev to CRUSH. Accolade by Rusev. E tries to escape but, fuck it. E taps at 3:43.
WINNER: Rusev via Accolade
GRADE: D+. Come on. A nice, big, long match could have really gotten Rusev over. He remains boring as hell with another short match where he practically squashes one of the better guys on the roster. What sense does that make?
The next PPV is Money in the Bank. Whoever thought the idea of a talking pile of money was awesome needs to be fired.
Daniel Bryan and Brie Bella are backstage, talking. We can't hear what they're saying.
MATCH #4: Kofi Kingston vs. Bo Dallas
Speaking of boring noobs...we begin...and Kane? He gets in the ring. Dallas bails. Kofi attacks, gets his ass kicked, then gets Chokeslammed and Tombstoned all as Dallas looks on. Kane hits fire and leaves the ring. Refs tend to Kofi. Dallas grabs a mic and tells Kofi he'll be back on his feet. All he has to do is BO-LIEVE. Kane destroyed the wrong fucking person.
WINNER: No contest.
GRADE: Do you even have to ask? By the way: the last three matches were added at the last second. We flew threw three of them in ten minutes and one of them wasn't even a match. Honestly, what was the point of having them at all? At the very least, they finally DID close the door on the Rhodes brothers.
Clips from the Payback Kick-Off Show where Torito beat Hornswaggle and Swaggle got his head shaved.
MATCH #5: Rob Van Dam (challenger) vs. Bad News Barrett (champion) for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
Barrett says that he's got bad news: RVD isn't going to be the champ and that RVD is Old Yeller. Lock-up and Barrett gets his arm locked but fights out. Quick brawl between the two. Both men punch each other until RVD hits a spinning kick. Crowd is split. (G/F: "So every single feud has to have a Let's Go Cena/Cena sucks chant, huh?") Barrett gets tossed from the ring. RVD kicks him and the fight spills outside. RVD tosses him into the barricade and punches at him. He breaks the count and then hits a huge Flying Roundhouse as the crowd chants, "ECW". RVD puts Barrett into the ring and hits a flying legdrop off the top rope. Two count. RVD tosses Barrett into the corner but Barrett reverses and kicks RVD in the nads as RVD misses a handstand counter. RVD goes outside and Barrett hits an elbow off the mat. The fight goes back in the ring. Barrett drapes RVD on the top rope, punches at him and celebrates, then hits a kneelift and gets a two-count.
Headlock by Barrett as the announcers joke about how much more interesting British celebrities would be more interesting if they delivered bad news. RVD gets to his feet and hits another spinning kick on a counter. RVD hits running clotheslines and rams Barrett's head into the corner buckle. He tries Rolling Thunder but Barrett gets up. RVD puts him back down with Sweet RVD Music and Rolling Thunder. He goes for the Splash but misses by a mile. Barrett misses the Bullhammer! RVD hits a Scissor Pin but gets two! RVD gets up and flies right into Winds of Change! Two count! Barrett goes for the Bullhammer outside but hits the ring post! Fight goes back inside and RVD hits a HUGE DDT! Two Count. He goes for a Senton off the ropes but Barrett puts the knees up and RVD goes down. Barrett gets up and hits the Bullhammer and we're done at 9:28.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Bad News Barrett via Bullhammer
GRADE: B-. Finally picked up on the last half. Well-fought.
King takes a swig of Mountain Dew, makes a face like he just swallow cow testicles and then grins.
We get a recap of the whole Daniel Bryan title thing.
With that, Steph gets in the ring wearing a body dress. Homina, homina...Steph thanks the audience and says that tonight is a historic night. Will Daniel Bryan give up the title or will she be forced to fire Brie. She brings Daniel Bryan out. The crowd pops big-time. Steph says this is all on him. She says that she knows they'll conceive some "weird, bearded babies" but she wants to know what story the Daniel Bryan family will tell those children.
Daniel Bryan says that Steph's ignoring what this audience wants. He's giving Steph the chance to change her mind. The crowd chants for CM Punk. The look on Bryan's face is pure incredulity. Steph says that the crowd doesn't care. They WANT him to quit, just like CM Punk.
Bryan says that Steph is...what's the word?
Brie: "BITCH."
Steph says that Brie made a poor choice in a husband. Brie says that it's time for Bryan to do the right thing. She puts her hands out. Bryan takes the belt in his hands...Brie blocks her husband and then says she's not gonna be a powerless victim. Steph doesn't control her. Steph says Brie works for Steph. Brie says she's wrong. She can't fire her, She QUITS.
Steph goes Sheer Evil and laughs in Brie's face, cackling big time. So Brie slaps Steph in the face! The crowd loves it. Daniel Bryan and Brie do the YES Chant. Steph leaves the ring, totally shocked.
NEXT TIME ON LEGENDS HOUSE: The wrestlers do a roast for some reason.
Back from break, Cole attaches the words, "critically acclaimed" to the show. They recap what's just happened.
We get a recap for the Cena/Wyatt feud.
MATCH #6: Bray Wyatt (w/ Luke Harper & Erick Rowan) vs. John Cena (w/ Jimmy & Jey Uso)
Crowd loves the Wyatts so it doesn't look like the King Beating Spot worked much. Wyatt waits outside the ring as Cena is introduced. Cena comes out, sans Usos. That makes no sense whatsoever. The Wyatt Family gets in the ring to jump Cena...and HERE are the Usos. The Wyatts bail. The Usos pound the mat to get the crowd roaring and an Uso chant starts. This is awesome. It's a brawl to start. Bray hits a mean uppercut and a back elbow off an Irish Whip. Bray puts Cena in the corner and hits a running clothesline. Cena gets to his feet, Bray dances around the ring with him and Cena hits moves 1 through 3, then goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle and hits it. AA attempt doesn't work and Bray hits a Gutbuster, kneeing Cena in the stomach with a knee. Bray kicks Cena but misses the Reverse Senton. Cena tries the STF but Wyatt kicks out and hits the HUGE Spinebuster.
Bray goes into Hanging Spider mode and Sister Abigail but Cena blocks. The two goes into the ropes and Wyatt hits a shoulderblock. Cena hangs off the ropes and Wyatt drops Cena's neck off the ropes. Cena gets to his feet. The Family comes to help out and the Usos back up Cena. Wyatt gets back into the ring and goes for a Superplex but Cena breaks out with a headbutt. Cena goes top rope and hits the Flying Legdrop. Both men are down. Bray gets up. As does Cena. Cena tries the AA but Wyatt counters and hits Sister Abigail. Cena twitches at 5. Cena to his knee at 7 and to his feet at 8. Bray rushes at Cena and flies right into the AA! Wyatt Spiders up at 7.
The Wyatts hit the ring and so do the Usos. It's a brawl that spills outside. Harper flies outside but hits Rowan instead of the Usos. One of the Usos goes off the top rope and splashes both Wyatts and the other Uso. Back in the ring, Wyatt has a chair and clubs Cena with it. Cena rolls outside. Cena gets to his knees at 6 and then to his feet. Bray misses the chair to the head, Cena grabs it and clubs Bray across the back. Back in the ring, Cena nails Bray with the chair again. Bray's mouth is bleeding. Cena goes outside, looks under the mat and gets a table, sliding it inside the ring. He sets it up. Bray attacks but Cena gets Bray up for the AA...Bray counters and hits the Suplex Throw on Cena THROUGH THE TABLE.
Cena's up to his feet at 8. Bray puts the steel steps in the ring and nails Cena in the face. He gets the crowd to sing HGTWWIHH. Cena gets to his feet. He sets Cena up across the steel steps and then goes outside for the chair, tossing it into the ring. He misses the chair shot. Cena hits it instead, then nails Bray with the steel steps. Bray rolls out of the ring and lands on his feet. Cena lifts up the steps and throws them out of the ring right at Bray's head like a Cliff Lee fastball. Bray gets to his feet at 9. Cena goes under the mat for another table, then goes after Bray instead but Bray hits Sister Abigail! Holy shit. Cena gets to his feet at 7 as the crowd chants, "THIS IS AWESOME".
Bray tosses Cena at the ring post but Cena reverses and Bray flies into the post instead. He pulls Bray to his ropes and goes for a powerbomb on the steps but Bray reverses it and back drops Cena on the steps instead. Cena is still down at 5 and Bray flies at Cena, hitting the Reverse Senton. Cena gets up to his knees at 5 and gets to his feet at 6. Bray kicks at Cena, brawling outside. Bray beats on Cena, then grabs a chair but Cena counters and hits the AA on the mat outside. During the count, The Wyatt Family comes in out of whatever black hole they were in and attack Cena. They help Bray up and then attack Cena some more. They go outside and set up a table.
The Usos appear and they fly at the Wyatts outside. Jimmy gets clubbed into the face when trying to go outside for Harper. Tables get set up. Bray's practically dead outside and the ref isn't counting. Rowan and Jey fight. Jey hits Chin Music and then Rikishi Splashes Rowan into the table. Jimmy attacks Harper, but Harper puts Jimmy up on the top turnbuckle AND SUPERPLEXES JIMMY THROUGH THE TABLES OUTSIDE!!! Crowd is chanting "HOLY SHIT" as Bray and Cena get to their feet. Cena goes for the AA but Bray kicks out, misses a clothesline. Bray runs at Cena and they go right into the timekeeper's pit. The two get up and fight into the crowd. Bray picks Cena up and dumps Bray into the pyro/audo pit, causing a firework to blow up. He picks up Cena who grabs Bray for the AA...and CENA AA'S HIM INTO A HARDWARE CRATE! Then he pushes another hardware crate on top of that crate, climbs on top of it. The ref counts ten and Cena's your winner at around 24:30.
LAST MAN STANDING: John Cena
GRADE: A+. Way, way, WAY better than expected. Satisfying as hell. That was the Match of the Night so far and a candidate for Match of the Year.
Post-match, the Usos celebrate with Cena.
Plug for the Money in the Bank PPV.
Special Olympics plug.
Divas Match is next.
Me: Oh good. Here's your Divas Match.
G/F: Why don't you just get it over with and write the "F" in there right now?
MATCH #7: Alicia Fox (challenger) vs. Paige (champion) for the WWE Divas Championship
Lock up and armdrag by Paige. Fox dumps Paige outside as Cole actually says, "You can't win the title outside the ring." Fox and Paige fight outside the ropes as Paige hits knees and suplexes her inside, hitting elbows on Fox in the corner. Fox rolls outside and starts crying. Paige goes after her but Fox trips her. Fox goes into crazy mode again, taunting fans. Paige recovers and rams her into the barricade. Paige pulls her by her hair up the steel steps but Fox tosses her up and into the air. Paige crashes into the barricade and gets rolled back into the ring. Fox hits a Bridge Suplex and gets two. Fox yells something about having her face ruined and then hits an armlock to Bridge Chinlock. Fox puts Paige into another submission move, bending Paige's back over her knee, then hits a Spinning Backbreaker on her for two. King: "You never know who a woman truly is until you meet her in court." Ouch. Fox goes for another Spinning Backbreaker but decides to toss Paige outside instead. Paige gets back in the ring with a dropkick and clotheslines, then does a "Roman Reigns roar". She hits the PTO and we're done at 6:17. JBL: "Somebody call security NOW before something bad happens."
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Paige via PTO
GRADE: D+. Eh...can we put an end to Fox now and actually test Paige with someone else?
The crowd chants, "YOU TAPPED OUT". Fox threatens to go apeshit...but doesn't for a change.
We get a nice shot of the city of Chicago outside the arena.
Cole checks in with the WWE Panel, Josh Matthews, Alex Riley and Booker T. Kofi is noticeably absent. Strangely, the panel talks about everything except that.
We get a recap of the Shield/Evolution feud.
MATCH #8: Evolution (Triple H, Randy Orton, and Batista) vs. The Shield (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, and Roman Reigns) in No Holds Barred Elimination Tag Team Match
Somebody in the crowd has a sign that says, "SPEAR ME, ROMAN". Uh...bell rings and it's a Pier 6 Brawl to start. Batista and Reigns fall outside. Orton dumps Ambrose. HHH and Rollins are in the ring. Rollins hits an Enzuguri. The right just falls into the crowd. Orton and Ambrose brawl. You can't follow this. Rollins dumps HHH back in. Batista and Reigns end up back outside the ring as Batista gets sent into the steel steps. Ambrose gets dumped into the Timekeeper's pit. Reigns puts Batista back in and uppercuts him. Ambrose finds his way back into the Shield corner. Reigns tags Rollins who puts Batista down and then stomps on him. Batista sends Rollins into the buckle. Tag to Orton who gets elbowed off the ropes by Rollins. Tag to Ambrose. Double Suplex by the Shield. Ambrose hits an elbow smash and then puts Orton into a reverse leglock while taunting Evolution. Ambrose pulls Orton into his corner. Reigns tags in. Orton manages to break free and tag Batista.
Reigns puts Batista out. Ambrose tags in but flies into a Batista Spinebuster. Tag to HHH. Ambrose put into the corner but kicks at HHH and tags Reigns...the two glare at one another and then finally lock up. HHH into the ropes and he gets a shoulderblock from Reigns. HHH gets up. Reigns hits a body drop off a run. Tag to Ambrose. Ambrose headbutts HHH and stomps him. Ambrose tags Rollins who splashes HHH and hits three straight suplexes. Tag to Ambrose who puts his foot on HHH's face and hits a rolling splash in the corner. Two count. Ambrose goes to the top rope but HHH kicks him in the face on the way down. Tag to Batista who tosses Ambrose into the barrier, stomping away. HHH and Batista double team Ambrose with the ref's back turned even though it's supposed to be no-DQ. Tag to Orton. Ambrose fights him off and tosses him into the ropes but can't hit the body drop. Orton tosses Ambrose to the mat by his hair.
Tag to HHH who drops some knees to Ambrose. HHH tries to whip Ambrose into the corner but Ambrose reverses and HHH gets sent into the buckle and out of the ring. Ambrose crawls to his corner but HHH stops him. HHH hits the Kneelift but Ambrose bounces off the ropes and hits a clothesline. Hot tag to Reigns who takes out Orton and beats on Batista in the corner, then a HUGE running clothesline. Rollins comes in and takes out Orton who leaps on the mat. HHH gets in and Reigns body drops him, then kicks Batista in the head. Superman Punch by Reigns but HHH makes the save. Pier 6 Brawl again which breaks up. HHH tosses Rollins into the barrier. Orton tosses Ambrose into the ring post. HHH tosses Rollins into the crowd and they fight there. Ambrose and Orton fight into the crowd as well. Rollins fights off HHH and then leaps at him off the barrier. HHH clocks him with something and Ambrose is down. COLE: "What was that?" KING: "I dunno...something metal."
Reigns and Batista fight outside now. Reigns put Batista's head into the post. Reigns starts stripping the table. Orton attacks and then he's joined by Triple H. They strip down the rest of the Spanish Announce Table. They set Reigns up for the Triple Powerbomb and put him right through the table. Evolution rest for a second and assess the damage they just did. Refs tend to Reigns. Evolution goes back to Reigns and mock him with the Shield fists. Ambrose comes out of nowhere and takes out all three guys! Rollins follows up and does the same to HHH and Orton. It's just a brawl now. HHH tosses Ambrose into the ramp barrier as the fight goes up the ramp. Evolution grabs chairs and clocks Ambrose and Rollins. HHH powerbombs Ambrose on a chair, then hits a Pedigree on Rollins on top of another one. Evolution heads back to the ring and surrounds Reigns, who realizes how fucked he is.
Reigns runs at Batista who hits a Spinebuster. Orton stomps at Reigns. Batista goes outside as HHH and Orton strip Reigns of his top. Batista brings the ring steps inside. Orton gets a Kendo Stick or two. HHH rams Reigns' head into the steps. Orton absolutely whacks Reigns across the back with the stick. Batista does the same. The two take turns. HHH gets a stick and joins in. Reigns struggles to his feet with giant welts on his back. Reigns knocks Orton out with the Superman Punch. HHH immediately attacks and then gets a chair, clubbing Reigns with it. They beat up Reigns because Ambrose and Reigns are apparently MIA. Ambrose finally interferes and he gets swarmed by Evolution. Orton hits him with the off-rope DDT, using one of the lighting rigs. Evolution grabs Reigns and gets a chair...AND ROLLINS LEAPS OFF THE JUMBOTRON AND SPLASHES EVERYONE.
Rollins drags himself back into the ring. Batista is with him and charges. Batista gets kicked in the face. Rollins goes to the second buckle and leaps...BATISTA CATCHES HIM AND HITS THE SPINEBUSTER! Batista goes for the Batista Bomb, Rollins fights out of it...AND REIGNS HITS THE SPEAR! Cover by Rollins and Batista is gone!
1st Eliminated: Batista of Evolution
Orton gets into the ring and hits Rollins with the RKO! Reigns saves it! Orton sets up the DDT...but Ambrose nails him with a chair! Dirty Deeds and a pinfall! Orton's gone!
2nd Eliminated: Orton of Evolution
HHH is into the ring and sets up for Dirty Deeds but HHH hits a low blow. He sets up for the Pedigree but Reigns hits the Superman Punch on HHH! BATISTA GETS INTO THE RING AND HITS A SPEAR ON REIGNS! Holy shit. Orton, meanwhile, goes under the ring and gets HHH's sledgehammer. HHH gets to his feet but Ambrose is there. He rushes but HHH knocks him out with it. HHH turns to Reigns and tells him to get up. HHH goes to clock him but Rollins nails him off the ropes out of nowhere! Reigns with a Spear and The Shield wins it all at 31:03.
3rd Eliminated: Triple H of Evolution
WINNERS: The Shield
GRADE: B+. A liiiiitle too much Shield peril as the match just dragged on for no reason other to make this "epic". The beginning and middle got sloppy before things came to an end. The "elimination" gimmick, paired with No-DQ kinda made things a little messy.
Post-match, Reigns and the boys get up. Reigns stands on HHH's chest as they join fists.
OVERALL: B+. The throwaway matches lowered the grade. Still, I liked this one.
--
That's
it. AndyPG will start
your week off right with the RAW write-up tomorrow night. I'll be back on Tuesday with Main Event, Scott Keith will get you the NXT report and Tommy will take you into the weekend with the Smackdown Review.
Thank you to all my readers and if you wanna read more of my stuff, please visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and, of course, visit us on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/wehateyourgimmick/.
They're still called PPVs
ReplyDeleteWell they alternate between calling them PPVs and Special Events but anyway, it was a freaking joke he made. Lighten up.
ReplyDeleteSpot-on grading.
ReplyDeleteThe Rusev match being too short aside I did like how he finally showed anger at facing a tougher opponent. I didn't like E tapping but still, some nice character work all the same.
ReplyDeleteBut man Andy, regarding Dallas, why do you hate good things?
You don't happen to have a girlfriend do you Matt?
ReplyDeleteMOTY for Wyatt/Cena?
ReplyDelete......Subjectivity, people, don't roast this guy, he at least made the effort.
It's definitely a 4-star match, but I felt the Main Event was better. Opinions will vary. :P
ReplyDeleteI'm going with Andy here. I liked Cena/Bray over the main.
ReplyDeleteGood. Not match of the year or anything.
ReplyDeleteI actually enjoyed the fast pace of the show in the first hour, and I'll tell you why; it contributed strongly to making the longer main events feel epic in scope, and it got exposure to people by getting them on the card. I don't mind throwaway matches if the pacing is strong, and those matches were paced extremely well; look at them critically and you can barely count the rest times in the matches. They flowed extremely well, and it gives a sense that the bigger matches featured stronger wrestlers, because it took so much more to 'put away' the main event guys than the undercard guys, which is how it should be.
ReplyDeleteI think drawing a distinction between the main eventers and the midcard is fine when it's done well, because it gets over on both sides; the pacing keeps the crowd in the PPV with a lot of crash style matches, and the main eventers look like supermen because they wrestle longer and have stronger spots to establish their status as the uppercard.
I don't think that's Andy
ReplyDeleteWhat's MOTY so far? Shield/Wyatts?
ReplyDeleteShit be damned I meant Matt.
ReplyDeleteSorry Matt.
Rusev beat down a black guy again? Color me shocked.
ReplyDelete"So every single feud has to have a Let's Go Cena/Cena sucks chant, huh?"
ReplyDeleteExactly, the dueling chants thing is so played, and one of the reasons I try to just watch the matches and ignore the ADD crowds now.
DBry/Bray and Shield/Evolution 1 are candidates IMO too.
ReplyDeleteHey he beat up Ryder as well.
ReplyDeleteTrue enough everyone else does but still.
No, Matt does the RAW review.
ReplyDeleteWait, no...
She watches with me and puts in some of her own little remarks.
ReplyDeleteBut you're right. It takes away from the review. I'll break up with her immediately.
The show did feel very easy to sit through and had good pacing. Let's hope they can build off this show and come back strong for Raw.
ReplyDeleteI don't see him going anywhere. On the one hand, he's annoying. On the other, he doesn't seem to lose his cool enough to be wholly hated. But, that's just me. :-/
ReplyDeleteReigns got to stand triumphant with one foot on HHH's chest....which is WAAAAAY fuckin more than what HHH gave the guy they were supposed to be putting over huge as their new World Champion.
ReplyDeleteMeet the new boss...same as the old boss.
Last night's Evolution/Shield match was everything MOTY should be: Great wrestling, the heels taking advantage of the added stipulation once they knew they couldn't beat the Sheild straight up, moments of hopelessness for the babyface team, and the miraculous comeback. Tonight was a star making match, with the perfect finish.
ReplyDeleteOne thing he does need to start doing is cheat to win his matches but act like he won them fair and square.
ReplyDeleteStill D-Bry/Wyatt for me, just because I loved the way the match was built, and the right guy went over. Both guys were elevated as a result of that match, as Bryan looked good in defeat, and Bray looked like a monster after that Abigail into the rail. Bryan gets to write off the loss, and Bray has it to fall back on if they decide to bring the feud back for the title someday.
ReplyDeleteUm, Mania 30? I don't know how stronger Hunter could have put over Bryan, short of a squash match.
ReplyDeleteIt's been two weeks. His Post-Show "press conference" had him celebrating remaining undefeated despite not actually having the match take place. I'm sure delusional "I won fair" comments despite cheating will come.
ReplyDeleteYeah probably.
ReplyDeleteUgh. Seriously?
ReplyDeleteIt wouldn't have been in Daniel Bryan's personality to do that. People like Bryan because he doesn't do shit like that.
ReplyDeleteJust use logic like I did to counter wrong opinions.
ReplyDeleteOh I expect it to happen. Most everyone else seems to declare him a failure since he isn't getting death threats and his tires slashed from fans yet.
ReplyDeleteGod I love Shield.
ReplyDeleteHow DARE you have a significant other in your life! The code of internet reviewer is living in a basement, possibly in a house owned by one or both of your parents, with lots of dirty tube socks resting next to your computer desk in place of physical contact with a real person.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure Reigns finally being topless made the show for a sizeable chunk of the audience.
ReplyDeleteWWE needs to have him squash Zack Ryder and celebrate the victory like he just pinned John Cena. Then JBL and Cole can bury Ryder on commentary while plugging the App.
ReplyDeleteAlso Roman took this kendo stick shots like a MAN
ReplyDeleteColor me chicken shit after seeing the welts on his back. That was brutal to watch.
ReplyDeleteUmmm.....actually fucking SELLING the match he just had, not popping right back up and "getting his heat back" with a pot match beatdown? Reigns got way more over on Hunter tonight than either Bryan or Punk ever did. Which is kinda fucked up, when you consider that both of those guys were in intense solo programs with Hunter, and Reigns is in a stable v. stable feud. It just comes across like Hunter, just like Vince, is more a fetishist for the jacked-up hosses.
ReplyDeleteYou could hear the squealing in the audience as soon as it happened.
ReplyDeleteIt was the little girl living inside of Triple H.
ReplyDeleteWhat you call "getting heat back" was actually "setting up an angle for later on that made Bryan look like a million dollars". I could see how the two could be confused.
ReplyDeleteYES. Why wouldn't I be serious? Can any of you manage to not be assholes about this for two fucking seconds? Christ.
ReplyDeleteOr, you're looking for an excuse to be negative.
ReplyDeleteWe live in a nice one-bedroom apartment. We even have a cat and everything.
ReplyDeleteAh, domestic bliss.
"Brother to brother, you need a better tag team partner to me."
ReplyDeleteWas that supposed to be "THAN me" or "you need to be a better tag team to me"?
Whoa hey, let's just all settle down here.
ReplyDeleteWhoa, was that what he said?
ReplyDeleteAgain, can you manage to comment on something and NOT BE a raging dickhole about it? Condescending prick.
ReplyDeletePretty sure he said "than me". I don't care enough to check the archives.
ReplyDeleteOutside of the grade you gave Cena Wyatt's, good review as usual.
ReplyDeleteIf it was, it surely was a botch.
ReplyDeleteI smell a match for BOD Monday Night Raw! Where's Bayless when you need him!?
ReplyDeleteOr, Hunter has shown ass way more for Reigns/The Shield than he ever did for Punk/Bryan while he was supposed to be "making" them as main eventers. Explain that.
ReplyDeleteA new jobber in the making, feed him to Hoss.
ReplyDeleteAmbrose is a scrappy motherfucker.
ReplyDeleteI forfeit
ReplyDeleteHeh. I have no interest in your fantasy league.
ReplyDeleteCena/Wyatt was a C-C+.
ReplyDeleteCool, at least there's one person who doesn't care about being on the show.
ReplyDeleteAnd fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
ReplyDeleteI respectfully disagree. That match was incredible.
ReplyDeleteThanks ABey. I really liked the Cena/Wyatt match. It was just plain fun.
ReplyDeleteAt most I'd give it a B- (****), but that ending wasn't good.
ReplyDeleteWho rides horses these days?
ReplyDeleteFixed it. Sorry about that.
ReplyDeleteYou guys have a great thing going. No need for me to even get involved.
ReplyDeleteBatista and Orton were eliminated too quickly one after the other.
ReplyDeleteCole does, apparently.
ReplyDeleteB- is 4-stars? Harsh grading. I figured that's in the low 3's at best.
ReplyDeleteWell, they were kind of running out of time.
ReplyDelete4/5 = 8
ReplyDelete5/5 = 10
8/10 = 80
80/100 = B-
I *loved* that Sister Abigail on the railing. That was such a great, great end to that match.
ReplyDeleteI can agree on 4-stars. :P
ReplyDeleteIt worked with how the match was structured.
ReplyDeleteDo you disagree with the formula? I have a feeling you're wanting to say something bad about it.
ReplyDeleteTouche.
ReplyDeleteDon't disagree at all. Everyone has different methods. When I read C+ or maybe B- I'm thinking much lower based on my own scale.
ReplyDeleteThe horse name is Vince.
ReplyDeleteCall me crazy, but I liked it more when Cesaro was working under a mask with the Dr. Guildo gimmick:
ReplyDeletehttp://youtu.be/aolGURr5tiY
I posted that before knowing HHH was eliminated right after.
ReplyDeleteI saw almost thirty minutes left on my stream and figured there was that much time left in the match.
Reflecting on it, yes it worked from a match perspective, but from a PPV perspective, they were cutting it kind of close.
ReplyDeleteThey went way over the norm, ending around 10:57. It got to the point where I had no clue who was going to win, making it that much more enjoyable.
ReplyDeleteI knew because of it, the eliminations would be coming quick. I wasn't, however, expecting the Shield to do a complete sweep and win.
ReplyDeleteCena has been so lucky that he's been able to face about 47 different people that carried him to 4+ star matches, because obviously he can't wrestle.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, under that scale anything below **3/4 is an F. That's harsh IMO.
ReplyDeleteYou're crazy.
ReplyDeleteEven down 3-1, with sledgehammer in hand, I thought Triple H might knock out 2 people before losing.
ReplyDeleteI don't like doing quarter ratings IE 1/4 and 3/4*s.
ReplyDelete*
*1/2
**
**1/2
***
***1/2
****
****1/2
*****
I disrespectfully agree. Poser.
ReplyDeleteThen he surprised us all by not pulling a Cena.
ReplyDeleteI see what's being done here
ReplyDeleteI don't mind quarter ratings except for the very top. If something is ****3/4, what's honestly missing to knock it from 5? That seems just too nit-picky if a match is that good.
ReplyDeleteAnything under a **1/2 is unwatchable.
ReplyDelete** = 5/10 which basically makes it an average match.
Be fair... Cena would've done it clean.
ReplyDeleteLol, my math is wrong. I'm high.
ReplyDeleteHigh standards, I'd say. Anything * and above is watchable to me,but I like to go into negatives when I rate.
ReplyDeleteI thought that would have been a nice touch. Desperately hanging on to what he has...sort of like Pacino in Scarface.
ReplyDeleteObviously subjectivity and etc, but Cena has had 4 Top 10 matches between 04-14 in my book. Only other guy with that many? Shawn Michaels. Dunno what that tells you, but that tells you something right there.
ReplyDeleteOk, I was expecting HHH to pull a HHH and not look weak in the process.
ReplyDeleteI fucked up my match. ** is 4/10. Slightly below average.
ReplyDelete**1/2 would be an average match.
Yeah, I just round up too.
ReplyDeleteBut then he wouldn't have gotten our respect for basically putting all 3 of them over.
ReplyDeleteI would say ** is the bottom before stuff starts getting bad, depending on what kind of match it is. *1/2 for a 4-minute squash? Acceptable. *1/2 for a 15-minute title match? WHO THE FUCK BOOKED THAT?!
ReplyDeleteI know he would have gotten shit on if that happened, but I think it would have worked. And he put them over like gold too.
ReplyDeleteAnything 1/4 a star I round down, 3/4 I round up.
ReplyDeleteGonna need to rewatch it again, to see if it's close.
ReplyDeleteHe's just telling you like it is, dude. Calm down and stop taking things so personally for fuck's sake.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure, need to rewatch some matches, but Shield/Wyatts, Bryan/Bray, Shield/Evolution 1, and Zayn/Cesaro are the ones currently in my head for possible MOTY.
ReplyDeleteCena has brought the goods a lot, some people's chemistry just doesn't mesh well.
ReplyDeleteMan, you and Buck Nasty are great at improve here.
ReplyDeleteI actually kinda wish Evolution won tonight so they could have one more match at Money in the Bank. Evolution loses the first battle, comes back righteously pissed off and defeats the Shield in the rematch and injures Reigns in the process, Shield regroups and wins the blowoff at Money in the Bank, then Reigns and Triple H have their dealio at SummerSlam.
ReplyDeleteBut I can't complain about the Shield handing Evolution their asses either.
I wonder if Evolution is gonna start disbanding. There's been speculation that Batista will turn face with Guardians of the Galaxy coming out.
ReplyDeleteMITB will likely feature all 3 Shield members fighting over a briefcase. Because WWE.
ReplyDeleteIsn't Batista leaving?
ReplyDeleteHe's called Bluetista now.
ReplyDeleteYeah, for the GotG stuff.
ReplyDeletePeople I think get too crossed up between his actual work and his Super Cena shit
ReplyDeleteI thought he was bailing after this
ReplyDeleteI think so. Like I said, I get why it happened like this, but a man can dream dammit! Still, I like how it went down.
ReplyDeleteI agree to disagree to agree. Does that count?
ReplyDeleteActual work is good to great, how WWE books him is where the problems start.
ReplyDeleteBack up... who's on first?
ReplyDeleteAlso, damn did I enjoy Stephanie's line "They want you to quit just like CM Punk" The chanting was cute for a while but now it's just annoying and it was great to see Steph shut 'em up. Then take that slap like a champ.
ReplyDeleteBell to bell he can be pretty damned good, but like Abey said, it's everything between that that's the problem.
ReplyDeleteWho.
ReplyDeleteShe does have a point. I think the CM Punk chants were mostly done after that.
ReplyDeleteThis begs the question...So now what?
ReplyDeleteYeah, that tamed the crowd.
ReplyDeleteGotta give Steph credit tonight. The segment worked, she took a great slap, she shut the crowd's stupid chants up, and she looked damned fine in that dress while doing so.
ReplyDeleteHad the same ones too.
ReplyDeleteIs Zayn/Cesaro available on the network?
What do you mean? We now play the game.
ReplyDeleteHunter will put all three Shield members in a MITB match, trying to stir the pot between them. Just my own speculation.
ReplyDeleteI think he is. It's either turn him face or let him leave to promote GOTG. I just hope they don't find somebody else to join Evolution because that ship has sailed.
ReplyDeleteSo is Wyatt/Cena done? The whole Bryan thing is still unresolved. Is that it for Evolution?
ReplyDeleteI back these up and would add Cena/Cesaro to the list.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't stop laughing at how poorly Brie delivers her lines, and then WHAMMO. That was a hell of a slap.
ReplyDeleteWho is on first.
ReplyDeleteI don't see a face turn working for him in any fashion right now.
ReplyDeleteWho is?
ReplyDeleteHe came back at the wrong time. I agree, there's no point to a new Evolution member now, and even then, who the hell would it have been?
ReplyDeleteYeah....keep the mic out of her hands and just let her slap bitches. And let Steph continue to sell those slaps by running away.
ReplyDeleteI would bitch about Bray not winning, but it'll be pointless to give him one now.
ReplyDelete3 matches, 3 Cena victories. Fucking terrible.
NXT Arrival should be under the NXT section. Is that the match we're talking about? If it's the 2 out of 3 Falls match, that was last year, and also might be in the archives.
ReplyDeleteYes, Money in the Bank should start a new chapter.
ReplyDeleteBray won at Extreme Rules...
ReplyDeleteWait, he won Elmination Chamber. Just came out looking like a bitch doing it.
ReplyDeleteAgreed, seems like everything should be blown off by now.
ReplyDelete2 Cena wins.
ReplyDeleteWell if you count massive interference from Harper and Rowan and a 8-year old that sounded like the Shockmaster looking like a bitch...
ReplyDeleteI remember now, just forgot because of how bad it was executed.
ReplyDeleteI could see a new Evolution member if Orton and Triple H basically blame Batista for their shortcomings against the Shield and attack him alongside their new recruit. But then it comes back around to who the hell would be the new recruit. Ziggler needs some image rehab before he could, Cody is the same, Cesaro would work but he JUST started being a Heyman guy. Maybe Lesnar? But do you use one of his limited dates when Shield has already beaten Evolution twice? I think this may end it for Evolution.
ReplyDeleteCage match.
ReplyDeleteCena's 18 visual victories (having the match won every 2 minutes, only to be road-blocked or go stupid) in return for doing the job kind of kills the win for Wyatt.
ReplyDeleteDamian Sandow.
ReplyDeleteI'm just kidding.
Cody would fit in well, I'd suppose.
ReplyDeleteRaw is in Indianapolis tomorrow...maybe they'll have him dress up like Peyton Manning then job to Fandango.
ReplyDeleteRight after he broke up a tag team because he kept losing?
ReplyDeleteHe could have but not at this juncture.
ReplyDeleteHe just fits the mold, I mean.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I don't totally get this line of thinking, honestly. Bryan and Reigns are night and day different - Reigns is getting pushed as a giant monster, while Bryan got over on his me against the world strategy. The story sort of demands that the pushes and stories be different in their executions.
ReplyDeleteThe post-match beatdown that Hunter put on Bryan at Mania made his winning the title later look even better, since Bryan got the better of him at every turn at that Mania; he beat him in the 1v1 match, he overcame the post-match beatdown, came back from a stretcher job, interference, and the attempted crooked referee in the main event. I just don't know how much stronger you can book a guy.
I like the idea about Ziggler and Cody. That could work.
ReplyDeleteAlso while I'm giving due to "devils" Triple H brought his A-Game yet again and made more young stars look good AGAIN. He gets a lot of rightful hate, but when he's on, he's great and when he wants to make a star he does.
ReplyDeleteWhatever happened to that alleged angle of guys like Sandow, Ziggles and Miz teaming up because they were tired of losing/buried?
ReplyDeleteIf they'd have gone about the breakup with Goldy in a timelier fashion(say around WM) then it definitely could have worked better, timetable-wise and character-wise. Now they'd have to rush to squeeze him in and they are probably done now anyways.
ReplyDeleteZiggler probably complained about it on twitter.
ReplyDeleteThis is why I stick to letter grades. This isn't Star Search. :)
ReplyDeleteTUNE IN TOMORROW TO FIND OUT! ON MONDAY NIGHT RAAAAAAAW!
ReplyDeleteI usually do _/10 where 5/10 is average.
ReplyDeleteSpoilers:
ReplyDeleteSomeone whines
Someone seeths
Someone shrugs it off
Cena's the last one.
He put over The Undertaker in the End of an Era Match. That was when I knew he had a soul.
ReplyDeleteI joked after Monday's Raw (which was the drizzling shits) that Payback was what the WWE would have to offer its fans.
ReplyDeleteThe show was better than expected.
Triple H *MADE* that rising star Undertaker's streak into the big deal it became.
ReplyDeleteWell, I liked the fact that he didn't say, "We're ending this at 19. I'm gonna be the one that breaks it." He really could have.
ReplyDeleteI remember when RAW and Smackdown meant something. Back in the late 90's, they all felt like mini-PPV's.
ReplyDeleteI mainly only watch the ppvs today.
ReplyDeleteAmbrose's spot where he bounces back after nearly falling between the ropes is pure awesomeness.
ReplyDeleteIn any case, I get what you're saying about the younger stars. I don't think Triple H is gonna do anything but put them over from here on out.
ReplyDeleteThat's the tough thing about WWE is that they cannot maintain momentum. They built up some huge steam in the Summer last year with the Henry-Cena and SummerSlam builds and then lost it right away, they built up some huge momentum with Mania XXX and the post-Mania Raw and lost it with the Kane stuff, they have some awful Raw's recently and then deliver a damn fine show here. They can't seem to sustain for long periods to keep the excitement going.
ReplyDelete4 out of 10.
ReplyDeleteI'm not crazy enough to make a prediction like that, but when he does do it I will give him credit. He did it for Bryan(eventually)and he's done it for the Shield.
ReplyDeleteWhat does that equate to in Star Ratings?
ReplyDelete**
ReplyDeleteReminds me of Nigel's Jawbreaker Lariat except Ambrose doesn't use it as a finisher and actually does it smoother than Nigel did.
ReplyDeleteI don't know about stars, but it meant 0 tears in Bret Hart's eyes, or anyone that came up to him talking about the match.
ReplyDeleteTriple H is SOO gonna seethe tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteSo are they just gonna move back to 1 MITB ladder match now? Or have 2 winners that can threaten the champ at any time? They could go that route if the Authority wanna stick it to Bryan a little bit more.
ReplyDeleteBetter than Batista.
ReplyDeleteGood question. I can see them making a monster heel out of someone cashing in on the "still recovering" Daniel Bryan, assuming he keeps the title and remains inactive until the PPV.
ReplyDeleteAgain the problem arises, who is that heel?
ReplyDeleteNay, Cody Rhodes is no Owen Hart. No kicking brother's legs out of their legs here.
ReplyDeleteLol Madden just said the Shield wouldn't keep their heat when they split because it didn't work for the Freebirds.
ReplyDeleteHmmm.... let me check the flow-chart... Abeyance?
ReplyDeleteMaybe not wouldn't but making the comparison between the two is pretty far off
ReplyDeleteWhat the does John Madden know about wrestling anyways?
ReplyDeleteImagine if they put John Madden and Tim McCarver together to broadcast something...
ReplyDeleteIt'd be the fourth level of hell
ReplyDeleteDon't put that image in my mind this late at night.
ReplyDeleteI think it'd be pretty cool to hear Madden and Summerall call a wrestling match. I think Prime Jim Ross to guide Madden through it.
ReplyDeleteJohn Madden?
ReplyDelete