The PG Era Rant: Main Event, 06.24.14

Welcome, everyone, to the Matt Perri Smile-Time Sports Entertainment Variety Hour known as WWE Main Event on the WWE Network!

So, you may have noticed I'm not Matt Perri. Well, remember a few weeks ago when I got really sick and he took over Raw? He's asked me to return the favor. We're gonna kick the Tuesday Night off right. So let's get rolling!

Our main event tonight is a six-man tag to hype the Contract Money in the Bank match. It's Bad News Barrett, Jack Swagger, and Seth Rollins against Rob Van Dam, Kofi Kingston, and Dolph Ziggler... and you know somewhere, Dean Ambrose is lurking to cause a DQ. Oh, sorry, spoiler? Can I spoil a live show? Is that doable?

We are in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania! As I work for a Canadian, I'm contractually obligated to remind you that if you wanted to give the US an enema, you'd stick the hose right there!

Later tonight, Roman Reigns talks! But first, Dolph Ziggler is climbing a ladder with a microphone. Dolph says that climbing the ladder and getting the prize is symbolic of making it. Basically, it means you got to the top and your life changes in an instant. And he'd know. Back in 2012, he did just that. He climbed a ladder, grabbed a contract... and it was the greatest moment in his career. Dolph pauses, a little emotional, as the crowd begins waving for being on TV.

He resumes: claiming that prize put him on a path that led to the night after WrestleMania 29; he cashed in, he pinned Alberto Del Rio, and he was World Champion. And it's because of the fans. (The fans begin a “Let's Go Ziggler” chant.) Because of the fans, it was the best moment of his life. But somehow, someway, lightning will strike twice. Somehow, this Sunday... somehow... one more time he'll climb, and he'll get the contract again. This Sunday, he doesn't steal the show; he takes what's his. Very emotional delivery from Dolph.

But who's next out? Oddly, they choose Rob Van Dam... because it's match time!

Dolph Ziggler, Rob Van Dam, and Kofi Kingston v. Jack Swagger, Wade Barrett, and Seth Rollins. This match gets a hashtag. Swagger and Kofi start, and it's waistlocks until Swagger pounds away. Blind charge by Swagger misses, and Kofi with a monkey flip and running soccer kick. Dolph in, and he gets a high-altitude elbowdrop for one, then a dropkick for one. Swagger rushes Dolph into the corner, and here's Barrett to take over with a suplex for two. Barrett with an arm and neck lock, but Ziggler flips out of it and RVD is in to run Barrett over. Spin kick to Barrett, then Rolling Thunder for two. Barrett misses a right hand, so RVD with a superkick (and one for Rollins), and he goes up, but Swagger stops him and Barrett drops RVD on his throat as we go to break.

Six-man match, Part 2. Wow, that was quick. Rollins is working over RVD with a triple suplex as the crowd tells him he sold out. It gets two. The suplexes, not the chant. Rollins bends RVD's arm back to stop a tag, and Swagger's in to pound on RVD and get a belly-to-belly slam. Vaderbomb gets two. Butterfly hold follows to control RVD, but RVD gets a kick and leaps to... nowhere, as Swagger cuts him off. Barrett works over RVD in the corner, then pulls him out with a swinging neckbreaker for two. Barrett stomps away on RVD (whom the crowd gets behind) and adds a leg choke. Knee shots in the ropes, then a big boot that floors RVD to the apron, getting two. Swagger back in, and he works a front chancery. RVD slowly works his way to his corner, but Swagger stops it and goes to a neutral corner, only to get two boots to the face. Rollins and Kofi in, and Kofi's on fire with flying moves and chops. Big dropkick, jumping lariat, and Boom Drop follow. He signals Trouble in Paradise, but Rollins hears it and bails. Blind charge by Kofi misses, and after some fighting and avoidance, Kofi gets the SOS only for the heels to save. It's BONZO GONZO now as Swagger and Barrett are tossed, but Rollins throws out RVD. Rana by Kofi on Rollins gets two. Then a rollup gets two. Curbstomp from nowhere ends it at 7:50. **3/4 Wow. I'd have put money on a Dean Ambrose appearance. Instead, Swagger invades and beats up Dolph and Kofi, then puts the Patriot Lock on Ziggler. Meanwhile, Barrett rams a ladder into RVD as Dolph breaks and gets something off-camera. Barrett floors Ziggler and Swagger with the ladder, then delivers a Bull Hammer to Swagger to knock him out. Barrett's music is played as the segment ends.

Your hosts are Byron Saxton and Todd Phillips, who send us on a flashback of Fandango's women trouble, with Summer Rae trying to get back in his good graces or something. Back to live, as Fandango tries to approach Layla and explain. He even offers a rose to apologize. He'd never do anything to betray Layla (she's not buying it), and Layla's the only one in his heart. She will always be his only dance partner. Fandango tries for a make-up kiss, and Layla – despite seeming mad – melts in his arms.

Coming up, a look back at Raw and Vickie Guerrero's exit!

At the Money in the Bank pre-show, Daniel Bryan will have things to say!

We now recap the Stephanie/Vickie situation. You saw it last night, and if you didn't, read my recap of it on this very site.

I will note, watching the recap, two things: first, Layla took one HELL of a dive into a very shallow pool; and second, both Vickie and Stephanie had to leave 50 IQ points in the locker room for it to work. Others have noted Stephanie's slow realization of just how screwed she was as a thing of beauty, and I agree.

Layla's much happier and clutching the rose as they dance to the ring.

Fandango v. “The Inspirational” Bo Dallas. Is that his official name? This is a rematch from SmackDown, where the love triangle blew up in Fandango's face. And before we can go anywhere, Summer Rae runs in and PLANTS a kiss on Fandango, and Layla attacks from behind and where's Joey Styles when you need him? They shove Fandango away as he tries to pull them apart. The two catfight out of the ring as Fandango (and, for that matter, Dallas) look on in disbelief. Fandango rolls out to try to figure this out, but the officials can't separate them. Fandango looks on from the outside in disbelief, then runs back into the Bo-Dog to get pinned at 1:37. Bo acts like he just won the title. Are they turning him face and no one told me, and will it really work?

After the match, Bo Dallas says, “Women. They are mysterious creatures. But I know they'll figure it out. All they have to do... is BOLIEVE!” I love this guy.

Later tonight, we'll hear from Roman Reigns!

Total Divas is coming to WWE Network!

R-Truth and Xavier Woods v. The Former Paul Heyman Guys. Ryback and Truth starts. Ryback pushes Truth in the corner, but misses a right and Truth twerks to get under his skin. Truth with a headlock now, and Woods comes in off a blind tag with a flying clothesline. Kicks from Woods, then chops, and a back kick staggers Ryback. Woods charges to the apron and tries to dive back in, but Ryback spins it into an Oklahoma Slam. It gets two. Snap suplex by Ryback, and Axel's in to stomp away. Woods tries to fight back, but Axel snapmares him and gets the neck snap. Running kneesmash gets two. Axel with a knee to the back, and he works the chinlock. Woods fights up, but Axel yanks him down by the hair and Ryback's in. Woods into the corner, and Ryback chops away. Hammer Throw to Woods and he taunts Truth before covering... but Truth had the ref tied up, so no count. Ryback works the chinlock in response. Hairpull slam follows, getting a two-count. Back to the chinlock, but Woods' attempted fightback is cut off when Ryback catches a kick. But Woods pushes off and tries for a tag, getting it to Truth in spite of Axel's best efforts. Truth with right hands and a suplex Stunner for two. Truth with a Stinger Splash and DDT for two, Ryback saves. Woods charges but gets sent flying by Ryback, so Truth disposes of Ryback. He misses a Stinger Splash, though, and Axel with the Hennig Cutter for the pin at 5:50. Experts, help me out: aren't Curtis Axel and Adam Rose using the same finisher? Match was okay but had no heat. *1/4

Ryback asks the crowd to shut up. He calls out the Dusts and says last week they were caught off guard. It was the biggest fluke in the history of flukes. Crowd WHATs him. Ryback then challenges them to a rematch on Sunday, and if they're men, they'll accept. Axel calls them cowards, and says when Axel's done, they'll just be Dust. In the wind. Ryback said something else, but I don't think it's right on a PG report.

Up next, Roman Reigns TALKS!

Well, there's another match for the Money in the Bank show, although it looks like Bo Dallas is out, then.

As a reminder, SmackDown's main event is Sheamus facing Bray Wyatt.

Main event interview: Roman Reigns. We first look back at the wild finish to Raw last night, focusing on the big finish, Kane's return, his addition to the match, and Reigns' sudden spear. Renee Young opens by calling it the “biggest ladder match ever” as someone will grab history. Reigns cuts her off and says he has other things to say: he's a wanted man with a bull's-eye on his chest. He smells a trap. So he asks Renee to take her shoes off so she can run if something goes down. (She does.) As for the match, Roman doesn't care who's in it. Not even Cena fazes him. See, during the Shield days, they ran the world. And he's the big dog of the Shield, so he still runs the yard, and when he wins the title, he will be at the head of the table. Believe it. But Renee notes that Roman forgot to mention Orton. Roman calls Orton a pampered, spoiled brat, saying that for years everyone watched his back – including the Shield. But Roman's not there to wipe Orton, but to kick him (if you know what I mean). As for Kane, the newest entry? They say Kane's a demon, diabolical, with everyone scared of him... but Reigns isn't everybody. He assesses, he attacks. He's done the assessment. It's time to attack. Assess & Attack sounds like it's his new mantra....

...and HHH is on the big screen. It takes him 10 seconds to dismiss the sound bite. So Roman wants people to believe in him. But HHH knows a man who believes in nothing, and Roman Reigns will know him real well. SmackDown will now feature Roman Reigns one on one with Kane. Oh, and Roman? Kane believes in nothing, and maybe he should get to know Kane NOW.

And here he comes! (Young has disappeared and taken her shoes with her.) Kane stalks his way to the ring as Reigns doesn't even flinch. The two have a staredown... for two seconds before the slugfest is on! Reigns gets the better of it, but Kane gets the goozle. Reigns escapes and clotheslines Kane out of the ring... but the monster still stands. He simply sets the buckles on fire around Reigns, who doesn't even blink. Roman shakes his head like “You really shouldn't have done that, bro.” The production truck agrees, because they play Reigns' music. Look at the belts! Look at the copyright notice! Look at how we're out of time!

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Eh, it's a glorified B show. I got nothing to say.

STATS:

MATCH TIME: 15:17 over three matches

BEST MATCH: The six-man

WORST MATCH: Fandango/Dallas

NIGHT MVP: Bad News Barrett

FINAL SCORE: This basically defines “Meh, 4/10”, doesn't it?

Okay, Tommy and Scott will be next on Thursday, and I'll have more work to do. In the meantime... where are my World Cup replays?