We're back and we've actually got to recap the last two episodes before the hiatus.
In our last episode, "Cross Country Catastrophe", the Divas learned more about themselves and different relationship types.
- Brie Bella learned her husband thought her spending was so excessive that he put a tracker on their joint bank account. (MATT: Because it was.) Not only did he learn she spent $400 to take her Mom, sister and brother out on her Mom's birthday and $22 on coffee for herself and Nikki, he caller her immediately asking for explanations. (MATT: Totally not excessive to spend $22 bucks on a cup of coffee.) Cue "Every Breath You Take," by The Police (which despite being about stalking finds itself featured in the playlists of clueless brides and grooms to this day).(MATT: No...they were under financial stress. Both of them were out of work and Bryan was healing from expensive surgery. His wife, who only thinks of herself, went on a spending binge with her sister cheering her on the entire way.)
- Eva Marie learned Jon was a stopwatch-loving, (MATT: jet-flyin') itinerary-planning, (MATT: limousine-ridin') fun-killing (MATT: kiss-stealin') bore when tasked with helping them and Cameron and Vincent move cross country. The pairs also learned the fights of one couple would start the other fighting as well.
- Rosa Mendes should have learned men don't choose desperate women for girlfriends after going through two men who never wanted to see her again (bringing her total to three for this season). Instead she decided she should hit on women and decided to follow her heart and try to start a relationship with a woman she met a week ago because, hey, why not?
WINTER PARK, FL
Rosa and Nattie pick up cupcakes. They get into Rosa's car and she confesses she is a bad driver who lost one of her rear-view mirrors. Then she proceeds to back out of her parking space and can't because the lot is the size of a toaster and she drives a gigantic gas-guzzling truck. (MATT: She lightly dings one car and nearly backs into another and the only thing that saves her is the proximity alarm on the car. And the whole time, Nattie just sits there and laughs like she's on a fucking tilt-a-whirl.) They eventually escape their blacktop prison and...that's that.
|(MATT: YAY! We're back in "Concord" with Eva's family!)|
Eva Marie's Dad's House
Eva doesn't know if her flower girls should wear red, or maybe white. Her family teases her about if she will wear white. As a woman I've always thought the women should only wear a white wedding dress as a sign of purity/virginity thing was stupid. It's 2014, let's admit it, most brides are not virgins on their wedding day. (MATT: Wait...you're not?!) Further, this isn't even Eva's true wedding, it's a reenactment to keep her family happy, grab gifts and boost ratings. Her wedding dress color, therefore, should be irrelevant. She tells the camera she is so happy her dad gets to give her away. To turn up the creepy quotient early, Eva sits on her Dad's lap while holding the family dog. Her Dad cackles and says, "My two girls". (MATT: On the bright side, he could have made a "doggy style" joke, so I guess we lucked out and this isn't as creepy as we think it is...)
John and Nicole's House
The twins are relaxing at the pool in bikinis and drinking. Nikki says she has the Ultimate Brie Mode cup: a red Solo cup with a glass stem. (MATT: Boy, Brie's sobriety vow last episode really meant something, didn't it?) Nikki has invited all her Diva friends over while John is away, shooting a movie. Cameron shows up with a new car. She says she is a car person and would have a Ferrari if she could but, when pressed by Nikki, says she'd rather have a house than a sports car. (MATT: She can't have both?!) Nikki says she will start looking for listings for her immediately. Nikki gives them a tour of their place, which includes a viewing of one of her luxury bags. Natalya remarks that she liked the one she got for her birthday and that they "put Gizmo's ashes in it". (MATT: "We need a receptacle for our dead cat's ashes...let's just shove them in this Gucci thing Nikki gave us.") Cameron tells the camera she would love a place like Cena's but, realistically, she has to "bring it down a bit" and that would entail having "four bedrooms and three baths, a pool, a patio, and a nice fireplace." (MATT: Is that all?) Here's hoping she's saved a lot of cash.
Kim Kaszuba, Divorce Attorney
Nattie is dressed like she's going clubbing, the lace and nude look, and with her is a sullen TJ. They fight on their way to the office. The attorney says they probably didn't want to be in a divorce office early in the morning. TJ tries to make light of things and quips that they probably don't see a lot of happy people. Kim tells them divorce litigation can cost thousands of dollars. The other attorney tells them animals are treated like property to be divided up at the time of divorce. Nattie wants to know how to divide the cats up. TJ: "Chop one up, obviously." (MATT: Oh...no...) The thought of them having to divide their three cats may be what it takes to convince them to stay together. (MATT: What about Gizmo's Gucci-wrapped ashes?)
SAN ANTONIO, TX
Citrus - Restaurant
Bella twins are eating with Eva and Nattie. Eva laments that she can't pull off a tan with a white dress. (MATT: But did it anyhow. Silly Eva.) She tells them about her dad's recurrent cancer and how she wants him at the wedding. Brie recounts how special it was to have her father (the deadbeat, you'll remember, who walked out on them when she was 15.). She relates how Bryan regrets spending so much time with WWE and so little with his Dad who recently passed away. Eva Marie excuses herself, probably to deal with the heavy emotions.
WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW - AUSTIN, TX
The twins pass randomly pass JoJo and call out to her, then fake like they miss her. (MATT: An odd scene. Like watching a Bigfoot sighting where Bigfoot is cool with the people walking by.) The twins come to see Eva Marie. The Bellas say they just happened to wear the same color pink dress - it's a twin thing. (MATT: This, despite the fact that they've hardly done this throughout the series.) Brie comes to commiserate with her over her dad but Eva thinks she doesn't need to deal with it and that it's weird and inappropriate for her to bring it up there. (MATT: Yeah, inappropriately bring it up at an arbitrary restaurant instead.) She walks off and they call her Jessica Rabbit. Brie's, like, toooootally confused as to what just happened. Nikki says that Eva needs to deal with her Dad's issues in her own fashion. Anyhow, whatever. Nikki wants a cookie. Brie says that they're on a diet (MATT: AGAIN?! WHY?) and that they can only look at the cookies. We get Nikki's "Look But Can't Touch" theme music to play out the segment.
The Bellas come to the ring for the Stephanie McMahon vs. Brie Bella contract signing for the match at SummerSlam. To recap, HHH and Stephanie attack the Bellas. Steph hits a Pedigree on Brie.
Nattie and TJ's House
Nattie calls the cats and say they want to be with her. She tells the camera they are sleeping in separate bedrooms and pretty much living as roommates. She says it is the best and cheapest thing to do. They fight over who will get what things in the divorce and she asks why he thinks he can just demand to have everything. He says, "Because you're doing the same." He says during the weeks she spent in a hotel she didn't care about them (him and the cats). He teases her, and tells her to relax and she breaks down in tears.
LOS ANGELES, CA
Nikki is taking Cameron house-hunting. Nikki offers Cameron Vodka to calm her before they look at houses. (MATT: What kind of real estate business is she running?) She tells the camera she thinks her price range is $1 million. Nikki tells her that Mulholland Drive is the hot ticket section of L.A. and that Cameron will look good driving through the hills in her Ferrari. (MATT: When she isn't screaming in total frustration at the Los Angeles traffic, that is.) They get to the first house to see, it is amazing with lots of huge windows. The asking price, however, is $3 million dollars. Nikki says it's a great deal for the area. She tells the camera that this is her strategy, next she will show Cameron a house that may not have everything she wanted in it, but the price will be right. (MATT: So the strategy is to taunt your client with an arbitrary house way out of their price range, then show them something else?)
Brie and Bryan's House
Brie tells Bryan how Eva's dad has been battling cancer for 16 years. She recounts how she pulled Eva aside to try to offer a listening ear and Eva declined. He wisely tells her that everyone handles everything in their own way. Brie asks if she should throw a bridal shower for her. She asks for theme ideas and he facetiously suggests The Transformers. (MATT: Hahahahahahaha! Let's go look at cookies we can't have...) She said that is a better bachelor party theme. He claims Dean Ambrose wanted to throw him a bachelor party and she said no. Brie says it's because Dean wanted to take him to a strip club to get motorboarded. (MATT: That isn't possible. That is just not possible for a stripper to motorboat Daniel Bryan. I don't want to think about this anymore, actually.) Was this plot contrivance? (MATT: This might be a weak shout-out to a meme that originated when a fan snapped a pic of Dean's wristband at a house show. The tape on his wrists said, "Titty Master". Also, that "party" could have been an awesome episode.)
SHERMAN OAKS, CA
Cameron asks right off what the price is and it's closer to her budget, but still over a million by about $400K. Still, they go see the house. She says it is perfect and wants Vincent to come see it.
Nattie and TJ's House
Naomi is over for dinner and Nattie can't wait for her to meet one of her cats. (MATT: Oh, great, Naomi's mediating now?) They toast to "struggling" with champagne. They compare notes on how much they hate chores. Nattie complains that TJ didn't do laundry, brush out the cat's tail, etc. TJ enters and Nattie immediately pounces on him about forgetting the laundry. (MATT: I wonder what they made for dinner...) Nattie puts TJ's laundry out on the lawn. Naomi's stunned and picks up the laundry, bringing it back inside. TJ and Naomi talk. Naomi admits when she was in developmental and her husband was on the road, they would fight a lot. TJ says they've been on different schedules before. Nattie tells him they were having a girl's night, so he should just get his ass back in his room. (MATT: Imagine a guy saying this to a woman.) Tyson does it without question. He should have left for a hotel this time. (MATT: He should be packing and leaving, period.)
SHERMAN OAKS, CA
Second House - Second Visit w/ Vincent
Cameron says there are 6 bedrooms and Vincent says that' s a lot for him to clean when she's gone. He says it's like buying a car that's fully-loaded. Vincent says he's in love with the house (as he sits fully clothed in the empty bathroom jacuzzi) but the asking price scares him. He says they need to talk about things.
Oakland International Airport
Eva Marie picks up Jon who will be coming with her on the road for a change. Eva tells Jon about the Bellas approaching her about her Dad. He thinks maybe she should assess the situation with her Dad. In keeping with the tradition of this show's abusive relationships, she tells him to fuck off because the situation isn't that bad. What is it with this show? just a few episodes before she wanted a Catholic wedding because her dad was practically ready to climb into his own coffin and now, since non-family members are discussing it, she's confident he's going to have a miraculous and full recovery?
LOS ANGELES, CA
Cameron and Vincent meet with Nikki to put in a good offer for the house. Cameron has (MATT: ...sucked Vinnie off...) convinced Vinnie that the house is a good idea. (MATT: Same thing.) Nikki says there are many offers so she thinks she should put in a full $1.4 million. Vinnie and Cameron go off to talk, Cameron is bummed as Vinnie thought she would bring them a deal closer to $1.1 Million. Vincent comes up with the brilliant idea of asking Nikki to give up her entire commission so they can afford it. (MATT: Awesome idea. And when that falls through, I'm sure you could ask Nikki to lend you the $1.4 million.) Cameron says as she would be their first buyer would she be willing to take half or no commission. She says its business and not personal and Nikki said she thought that, with Vincent's job, they could afford this home. Right on cue: champagne, a major plot point in this episode, it seems, is brought to the table. But Cameron's not happy with the deal and they storm off, leaving champagne on the table. (MATT: Man! They didn't even get to toast to their "struggles"!) They should at least have downed the champagne first. Nikki follows them out asking if everything is OK. Cameron says she will find another relator. Nikki says they wasted her time. (MATT: Agent, bye!)
WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW - RICHMOND, VA
Brie approaches Jon about her throwing Eva a bridal shower. Jon thinks that is a wonderful idea as Eva's stressed over her Dad. He says he will do whatever he needs to, to help.
Eva Marie takes on AJ (Divas Champion at the time). Eva seems to be holding her own and manages to put AJ in a backbreaker, Still, the editors are bored with the match and we cut backstage.
Nikki goes to talk to Cameron. She apologizes for showing them such expensive houses. Cameron says if Nikki wasn't dating Cena, she wouldn't have such nice things. She says she can't afford a house right now. They make up and their friendship seems back on track. (MATT: What the fuck was the point of the whole "house-hunting" plotline then?! Did Cameron think she'd get a house for free?
TJ and Nattie's House
Nattie's doing dishes. TJ won't help with the laundry. (MATT: How is this still an issue?) She says she will do both. He says he's surprised she didn't throw the dishes on the lawn. She says that she's had enough. TJ: "YOU'VE had enough?!" Defeated he goes to his room to pack. He's finally leaving so they will stop fighting. She tells the camera she is relieved. What? She travels all the time, his career is DOA and he's moving out (albeit temporarily)? (MATT: Would you wanna live in that house like that?)
LOS ANGELES, CA
Eva comes to the hotel under the pretense that she's meeting with Brie about planning her wedding. She's shocked to be at her surprise tea bridal shower. (MATT: TEA MODE!!!) Ironically, she is wearing a white dress. Even her mom, Josie, Summer Rae and Jon are there. Jon shows up with an Esther Gallant ring for her upgrade, to which Eva reacts with a tepid, "My heart is, like...beating." (MATT: That's our Eva!) Brie and Eva make up. Eva tells her Mom that she doesn't want to be in the dark about her Dad's condition. Josie says Eva should call her dad every day, even if it's just five minutes. She decides her Dad needs to level with her. She calls and tells him she is there for him for moral support. She hopes he can open up to her more. At one point, she says she doesn't want to have to hop on a plane and go and spank him. What? I cannot wait to hear Matt's (and our reader's reactions) to this. He says he likes spankings and her Mom will tell her so. Way TMI. He laughs sounding like the combination of a person using an electronic voice box and The Penguin. (MATT: I'm not sure what was creepier: the suggestion of the spanking or her Dad's weird maniacal laughter.)
MONDAY NIGHT RAW - HONDA CENTER IN ANAHEIM, CA
Nattie finds TJ joking with some staff backstage. She tells him he's been off main roster for over a year and now he's here at work embarrassing her. Is she going to put him out on the lawn? (MATT: Maybe toast to his struggles with champagne?) She asks why he is there. He says he's under contract and he didn't plan on seeing her backstage. Nikki tries to coax Nattie to walk away but she won't go. They keep fighting and finally Nattie and Nikki walk away.
This week's hug goes to - Brie. She meant well when trying to get Eva Marie to talk about her Dad and while their own situation was very different, she did show empathy in how the father-daughter dynamic gets magnified on your wedding day. Then, without Eva Marie even saying she was sorry for the attitude she gave Brie (who did mean well), she organized a touching and beautiful bridal shower.
This week's punch goes to - Cameron and Nattie (tie). Both of these Divas were total brats this week. Cameron wanted her boyfriend to fall in love with the house before he knew how much it cost. Then she wanted Nikki to take half or better yet no commission so they could save six months in payments, screwing her out of her first real estate commission. Nattie argued with TJ about everything told him to go to his room like he was 6 and yelled at him for being backstage at RAW. They should divorce, now. Perhaps with next week being the season finale, they will announce that they are divorcing.
This week's hug goes to - Tyson. Ho. Lee. Shit. This is either a spectacular editing job or Natalya is a complete and total head case. This was the first time I've seen Tyson in a sympathetic light and, wow. His current character on TV is almost justified. Almost.
Annoying Diva of the Week - Natalya. See above. The nagging, the childish tantrums, the incessant yelling for no reason, the hypocrisy, the demanding behavior...she made Nikki Bella look like a princess in comparison.