In our last epsiode...
WWE LIVE EVENT
Backstage
Mise En Place (Restaurant)
Danielle
- Paige annoyed Natalya by using sexuality in their matches together. Nattie (probably getting more action in ring than out of it the way her marriage is going) asked Paige to stop and, to no one's surprise, she didn't. Nattie claimed she would harass Paige back, but I'm sure this storyline will dead end because reasons.
- Nikki was convinced that she was a better athlete than John Cena, so she challenged him to a decathlon of events to be picked by a friend of his that The events included miniature golf, Skee Ball and Beer Pong -- with Cena dressing in outfits that matched each one as he's rich. He beat Nikki at them, which annoyed her. Somehow, he got her to apologize for taking the games too seriously.
- Eva Marie found out the silicone breast implants she had were leaking. She tried to put off having them removed as her career was on an upswing and taking time off would work against her. Her husband called her boss which left Eva Marie was furious, then ended up apologizing to him after she had the surgery.
Let's see what crazy hijinks we can get into this week...
LOS ANGELES, CA
Jon and Eva Marie's Apartment
The
twins visit Eva Marie who is recovering from her surgery (seen last
week). Nikki asks how "the girls" are going while motioning to her own
implants. Eva decides to show them by pulling her shirt down so they can
see how swollen they are. Nikki and Brie both feel them.
Nikki's amazed at how "warm" they are to try to get her twin to want to get hers done so they match. Jon arrives with appetizers and, instead of enjoying the free show and shatters his "window of opportunity", telling Nikki and Brie not to touch his wife's boobs. Out of nowhere, Brie calls Nikki out for not wearing underwear and says they have to let Eva know so she can wash the couch when they leave. Jon sprays the couch with some cleaner after Nikki gets up. Nikki's humorously offended and says she doesn't leave "snail trails." (MATT: I can smell this scene...and I think I want to throw up...) Brie says she can't sit anymore there and pulls her sister down on her lap. Nikki humps at her. (MATT: What the actual fuck did I just watch?!)
(MATT: Slow down! I haven't even opened up the fucking wine yet so we can properly enjoy this episode!) |
Nikki's amazed at how "warm" they are to try to get her twin to want to get hers done so they match. Jon arrives with appetizers and, instead of enjoying the free show and shatters his "window of opportunity", telling Nikki and Brie not to touch his wife's boobs. Out of nowhere, Brie calls Nikki out for not wearing underwear and says they have to let Eva know so she can wash the couch when they leave. Jon sprays the couch with some cleaner after Nikki gets up. Nikki's humorously offended and says she doesn't leave "snail trails." (MATT: I can smell this scene...and I think I want to throw up...) Brie says she can't sit anymore there and pulls her sister down on her lap. Nikki humps at her. (MATT: What the actual fuck did I just watch?!)
TITLES.
WICHITA, KS
Old Town Wichita
The Bella Twins walk through the brick-covered streets of Wichita, comparing it to "New York". Nikki says it's "fun" to imagine being "born in the 20's". Brie gets real deep, arbitrarily speculating that "the man who invents the time machine will be, like, the wealthiest man on the planet." (MATT: Thankfully, they stop there because Brie's head would have exploded like Scanners had she continued that line of thought.)
The Brickyard (Restaurant)
Old Town Wichita
The Bella Twins walk through the brick-covered streets of Wichita, comparing it to "New York". Nikki says it's "fun" to imagine being "born in the 20's". Brie gets real deep, arbitrarily speculating that "the man who invents the time machine will be, like, the wealthiest man on the planet." (MATT: Thankfully, they stop there because Brie's head would have exploded like Scanners had she continued that line of thought.)
The Brickyard (Restaurant)
The
twins, Nattie, Cameron (and surprise cameo, Naomi) are meeting for
brunch. Nattie, for some reason, asks what happens to the people who
robbed Brie and Daniel Bryan's house recently. Brie says one went to
jail and two others are "trying to get parole". We get a quick retro
montage of news reports on the event, including the bit about Daniel
Bryan putting one of the burglars in a "rear naked chokehold" so he
couldn't escape. Brie says the cops told them they should get a gun and
admits they still don't have a burglar alarm. They do have Josie, but
she's probably as worthless as a watchdog as Cameron is in the ring. (MATT: Oh, you...) Nattie says the burglars might want to come back for revenge. (MATT: And you can see the second robbery attempt for only $9.99.) Brie
says she doesn't wanna talk about it. Nikki tells the camera that her
sister is naive and that if it were her, she'd have the best security
system ever. (MATT: If the burglars can get past the guards manning the gate to Cena's property, that is.)
LOS ANGELES, CA
Jon's Car
Jon's Car
Tara
Carrano, WWE VP of Communications, calls Eva to let her know that
Muscle and Fitness Hers wants her to do another photo shoot. She reminds
us that she is the first Diva to get a cover. (MATT: Despite the fact that she's does nothing at all, ever in WWE.)
In our new weekly segment, "What the Fuck's Wrong With Eva Marie This
Week?", Eva states that she's nervous as she hasn't worked out since her
surgery and has a very short time to bust her ass in order to look
good. (MATT: Yeah, she'll need to shed that whole pound she picked up.)
TAMPA, FL
The Poppy Boutique
The Poppy Boutique
Rosa
is shopping with Paige. Paige tries on a headband and Rosa mocks her by
saying she looks like Brie. Rosa says she needs to get more Botox, but
Paige says she already looks beautiful. Paige tells the camera that Rosa
has confidence issues. (MATT: Which is why she has no problem hitting on anything that moves.)
The girls try on clothes. Rosa tells the camera that Paige really turns
her on. Rosa says she wants more plastic surgery and Paige tells her
she doesn't need it. (MATT: It's a trick, Paige. Get an axe.)
LOS ANGELES, CA
Gym
Gym
Eva
Marie is working out with Cameron. Eva loses her footing while on the
treadmill and Cameron asks if she is OK. Cameron tells the camera that
she gets why Eva's doing this but that she's hitting the workout too
hard. After an intense workout, she goes back for more.
PHOENIX, AZ
Brie and Daniel's House
Brie and Daniel's House
Daniel is setting up the alarm system he got for their house. He informs Brie that the system is now working and fully alarmed (MATT: And frankly, concerned. Thank you. I'm here for the rest of the show.) and their sliding glass door is now bulletproof. Brie says she likes the alarm but hates that she needs it. (MATT: Didn't this happen months ago?)
She also might think about getting a gun. Daniel says it won't stop
people from approaching the house. Didn't we just see this same story
with Eva and Jon?
TAMPA, FL
Alicia's Fox's House
Alicia's Fox's House
Alicia
and her sister and are there when Rosa and Paige arrive. Rosa and Paige
sit on an old leather sofa, writhing and moaning, while Paige says the
couch is "so sexual". Alicia and her sister chuckle uncontrollably from
across the table. (MATT: Did I miss a scene where everyone popped Ex like Tic Tacs? I don't get this at all.) Rosa asks to see Alicia's closet Paige informs the camera that the three of them are the "Three Amigas". (MATT: All of the sudden.) Rosa tells Alicia that they need to go out tonight so that Rosa can find a "pretty boy or pretty girl". (MATT: No confidence whatsoever.) Alicia's
sister looks a bit weirded out by Rosa's preferences and tells Rosa
that she has not been with a girl. Paige confesses that she has. Paige
leaves the house to work out and Rosa tells the remaining girls that
knowing that Paige has been with a girl, her feelings for her have
"evolved". (MATT: "Evolved"? They've been together all of two minutes.) Alicia's sister says she is coming on too strong and Alicia agrees, saying that Rosa is misreading Paige's feelings.
WWE LIVE EVENT
Backstage
Eva
is freaking out that she won't be ready for the shoot. She tells Nattie
and Rosa that she has been skipping meals. Eva complains that she
thinks she looks fat in a promo photo plastered on one of the WWE buses.
Cameron is disgusted with Eva as she thinks she looks great. Cameron
says that WWE Divas are "role models" who "empower women" (*MATT SPITS WINE OUT OF MOUTH*) and that Eva wouldn't even be a part of WWE if she wasn't "The Bomb Dot Com". (MATT: There has to be some sort of monetary sum that will make Cameron stop saying that phrase.) Titus O'Neil shows up randomly. (MATT: Kinda like he does on WWE programming. Hi-yooooo!) Cameron asks Titus to rank himself from 1 to 10 on the "Bomb Dot Com Scale". (MATT: NOBODY can deny the science behind the results of this scale.) Naturally, Titus says he's a "10". Cameron asks him to rank Eva and he gives her a "10" as well, adding "you fine". (MATT: Dr. O'Neill has spoken. Time for the peer review.) He tells Cameron she is an "8.5" due to "her attitude". Cameron takes this seriously (MATT: Yes, but seriously as one takes Goofy Golf? I doubt that.) and keeps arguing with him and he keeps dropping the number while Cameron keeps shrieking "EWWWW!" in response.
SAN ANTONIO, TX
Olympic Gym
Olympic Gym
Brie, Cameron, and Nattie (MATT: The Three Amigas!)
are working out with Vince McMahon's personal trainer. He has them do
jumping jacks, push-ups, leg lifts. Brie says she has to step up her
safety game. The personal trainer reveals he worked in security for 23
years and recommends dogs, barbed wires, and, basically, things that
make a house look like trouble.
TAMPA, FL
Mise En Place (Restaurant)
Alicia is having dinner with Rosa and Paige. Paige "dressed up" which for her means wearing black as usual and a bare midriff. (MATT: I swear Paige has a closet of 75 of the same outfit.)
Alicia asks Rosa if she wants a family some day. Rosa says yes. Alicia
asks if she sees herself ending up with a man or a woman. Rosa says she
likes females the most. Alicia tells the camera that she "feels like a
third wheel". (MATT: That's "a fifth wheel". Look, if I have to watch
this shit, can I, at the very least, watch women who have some sort of
functioning brain inside their heads?) Alicia says she loves hanging
out with Rosa and Paige as they flirt in front of her. Later, dinner
gets out of hand. Paige fakes a fall to the ground but gets up quickly
as Alicia LOUDLY announces to guests nearby that "Rosa ran by and hit
Paige with her tits." The three decide to leave. (MATT: Or they were tossed out. The guests seated near them didn't look happy.) Rosa's cab arrives, Rosa asks the cab driver to wait for a moment, then gives Paige a really awkward and uncomfortable-looking kiss. (MATT: Oh brother, not only would seeing this not turn a single viewer on, it would give them fucking measles.)
Paige asks what that was for. Rosa said she was getting signals from
Paige, but Paige says that wasn't true at all. She says that Rosa
deserves the man or woman of her dreams, but it's not her. Rosa insists
that things like Paige texting her back right away and flirting with her
meant she was interested. Paige denies this and says that Rosa must not
have had a proper friendship before, thus her mistaking friendship for
love.
PHOENIX, AZ
Airport - Daniel Bryan's Car
Airport - Daniel Bryan's Car
Daniel
picks up Brie with Josie in the back. Brie asks how Josie was and
learns that she's been pooping in the garden more. Unconcerned, (MATT: And because casual dialogue on this show is more fake than the manufactured storylines,) Brie segues into the great workout she got with Vince's trainer. She says they should put up a "bob wire".
Daniel makes fun of her for the mispronunciation and can't stop laughing, despite Brie shouting at him to shut up and stop making fun of her. Brie says, "That's weird to say...'Barb's wire'." Again, Bryan corrects her and tells her it's "Barb Wire" because the wire has sharp, pointy barbs on it. Brie tries to talk over his laughing and says they should get a "motion sensor dog bark" if "that exists". What, does Josie meow? Bryan says he has an even better idea: a gate-activated crossbow that would fire at anyone trying to enter. Brie says, on camera, that she LOVES Bryan's "crossbow idea" and that she wants to set the house up for war. (MATT: Once again...the sex better be out of this fucking galaxy...)
(MATT: "Bob" wire?! Can we just have this be the final episode please?) |
Daniel makes fun of her for the mispronunciation and can't stop laughing, despite Brie shouting at him to shut up and stop making fun of her. Brie says, "That's weird to say...'Barb's wire'." Again, Bryan corrects her and tells her it's "Barb Wire" because the wire has sharp, pointy barbs on it. Brie tries to talk over his laughing and says they should get a "motion sensor dog bark" if "that exists". What, does Josie meow? Bryan says he has an even better idea: a gate-activated crossbow that would fire at anyone trying to enter. Brie says, on camera, that she LOVES Bryan's "crossbow idea" and that she wants to set the house up for war. (MATT: Once again...the sex better be out of this fucking galaxy...)
ORLANDO, FL
WWE Performance Center
WWE Performance Center
Rosa
and Paige work out in the ring and it is mentioned that they have not
heard from Rosa since their dinner together. Paige confesses Rosa kissed
her. Alicia said she warned Rosa not to do that. Alicia suggests that
Paige was sending mixed signals. (MATT: You mean "she was asking for it"?)
LOS ANGELES, CA
Sky (Boutique)
Sky (Boutique)
Cameron
and Eva are trying on clothes. Eva does not come out of the dressing
room. Cameron knocks on the door, concerned, then enters. (MATT: And is shot and killed by a motion-control crossbow.) Eva is sitting down and saying she got light headed. Eva says she hasn't eaten since lunch the day before.
PHOENIX, AZ
Brie and Daniel's House
Brie and Daniel's House
Brie has hired a contractor to put "bob" wire in (MATT: Yes. She says, "Bob" wire again.) and Daniel finds out about it only as he's coming home and seeing it being installed. (MATT: Yeah, Daniel Bryan, who keeps track of every dime the two of them spend totally didn't know about this.)
He says it makes their house looks like a prison. He says they should
do it to their neighbor's homes without asking as well. He makes fun of
Brie's "beware of dog" sign as well since Josie is a little ankle-biter.
ORLANDO, CA
Paige's Car
Paige's Car
The girls miss Rosa and want her to join them for some fun. (MATT: They're going for a walk near a lake. What kind of "fun" could they possibly have?)
Paige calls her and it goes right to voice mail. Alicia says if she
calls and Rosa answers, then it was all Paige's fault. Rosa answers on
the second ring. This makes Paige mad.
Gator's Dockside (Sports Bar)
Rosa
describes where she is, so the girls go to see her. Rosa is sitting
with four dudes who all look more than interested in Rosa. (MATT: Yeah, and she's "giving signals" and "asking for it".)
Paige is pissed when she discovers Rosa is drinking. Rosa denies this
and tells her that it's a Diet Coke. Paige takes her away to talk to her
and says Rosa made things weird. Rosa said that Paige made it seem like
she liked her. Paige: "SINCE FUCKING WHEN???" Alicia tries to be a
peacekeeper.
LOS ANGELES, CA
Cameron's Car
Cameron's Car
Cameron
says she and Jon have a surprise for Eva Marie. Cameron has spoken to
Jon about Eva's body issues. Eva feels threatened that they are in
cahoots together. She feels like she is in an intervention.
PHOENIX, AZ
Brie and Daniel's House
Brie and Daniel's House
Brie is washing dishes and Daniel says she is washing dishes "like a good wife should". (MATT: Later, they'll have sex because Brie was "asking for it".) Brie says she wants to leave the fence with the "bob wire" up. (MATT: I can just picture cameramen and producers, off-screen, whispering, "BARB wire...it's BARB wire!")
If they take it down, she wants to move. Daniel reminds her how much
work they spent on the place and that he shoveled dirt for 16 hours just
to put in the fencing. He says they can start a neighborhood watch if
that will make her feel safe. She says she will probably feel safe after
she goes to some watch meetings and if she does, they can stay. She
agrees take take the fence down because women are always wrong on this
show.
LOS ANGELES, CA
Jordan (Artist's Loft)
Jordan (Artist's Loft)
Here's
the plan: Eva has to look in the mirror and tell an artist what she
looks like and he will draw what she describes. Then, his assistant will
describe what she looks like to the artist and the artist will draw her
again based on that description.And, wouldn't you know it, Eva
describes how fat and dumpy she is. The artist sketches what she says.
Then Christopher, his assistant, looks at Eva and describes her to
Jordan and he draws his version of Eva. Eva bursts into tears when she
is shown the two drawings.
Not one to be upstaged, bursts into tears, too. Jon says that she has to know how beautiful she is. Eva says that it's hard to believe that she's that beautiful because of "all the stress in her life".
(MATT: "The right one is what you could look like if you lost that pound, fatty.") |
Not one to be upstaged, bursts into tears, too. Jon says that she has to know how beautiful she is. Eva says that it's hard to believe that she's that beautiful because of "all the stress in her life".
ALBANY, NY
Hotel Lobby
Hotel Lobby
Alicia
and Paige are joined by Nattie, who is happy she got laundry done. Rosa
walks by and Paige tries to say hello. Rosa says she has nothing to say
to her and walks away. Paige explains the situation to Nattie. The
girls tell Paige she is so flirty and probably gave off the wrong
signals by mistake. (MATT: That's right - another woman telling Paige that it's HER fault that Rosa mouth-raped her. All Paige's fault.) Alicia doubles down and tells the camera, "Paige needs to be careful next time and be more clear of her intention." (MATT:
Having lately put up with multiple uber-feminists who don't believe
that women don't victim-blame and that it's "soley men" that do this,
I'd love -- LOVE -- for them to explain this episode to me. Please.)
ALBANY, NY for Friday Night Smackdown
Ringside - Summer Rae vs. Natalya
Ringside - Summer Rae vs. Natalya
Summer Rae and Nattie are fighting in the ring.
Backstage
Paige proudly wears a fake fur coat. She takes Rosa to a private room to apologize for making her think she wanted anything more than a friend. Rosa says she's been rejected so much that she's fragile, "like glass that can break at any moment". (MATT: So, she needs to kiss...other...glasses that are...solid. I guess...) Rosa says Paige can still flirt with her and she won't take it wrong. Rosa says it means so much that she said she's sorry. She never heard Paige do that before. Paige says she rarely does because she doesn't have a heart. (MATT: And, so, Paige is sorry that Rosa kissed her because she was really asking for it. What a message.)
Backstage
Paige proudly wears a fake fur coat. She takes Rosa to a private room to apologize for making her think she wanted anything more than a friend. Rosa says she's been rejected so much that she's fragile, "like glass that can break at any moment". (MATT: So, she needs to kiss...other...glasses that are...solid. I guess...) Rosa says Paige can still flirt with her and she won't take it wrong. Rosa says it means so much that she said she's sorry. She never heard Paige do that before. Paige says she rarely does because she doesn't have a heart. (MATT: And, so, Paige is sorry that Rosa kissed her because she was really asking for it. What a message.)
LOS ANGELES, CA
Photo Shoot
Eva
is getting made up and they put tanner on her. Then they put it on her
stomach and emphasize how "tiny" she is. Eva nails the photo shoot
because, weird as it sounds, she wasn't really fat. (MATT: What a twist. Somebody call M. Night Shyamalan.)
HUGS AND PUNCHES
HUGS AND PUNCHES
Danielle
This week's hug goes to...Paige: Being
flirty doesn't mean you want someone to kiss you. While I don't believe
she's never apologized before, it probably is a rare moment in her
life, so between dodging kisses for being herself and having some
personal growth, she came off pretty normal and as somebody one could
relate with.
This week's punch goes to...Brie:
Even if the robbery was recent (not, say, months ago when it actually
happened), putting in barbed wire without even consulting her husband
was quite immature. When you share a home and finances, you share
decisions like that.
Matt
This week's hug goes to...Paige: She's gonna be in this slot forever. I don't give a damn if she's punching kittens and clubbing baby seals. I'm beyond baffled that she'd even be involved with a storyline where she was blamed for somebody attempting to make out with her.
Annoying Cast Member of the Week is...Cameron: She edges out Brie simply because Brie had good intentions behind her actions. Cameron is like that teenager who never grew up. Every single thing she does in and out of the ring is annoying. Everything she says is annoying. Her gimmick is annoying. Her voice is annoying.
Matt
This week's hug goes to...Paige: She's gonna be in this slot forever. I don't give a damn if she's punching kittens and clubbing baby seals. I'm beyond baffled that she'd even be involved with a storyline where she was blamed for somebody attempting to make out with her.
Annoying Cast Member of the Week is...Cameron: She edges out Brie simply because Brie had good intentions behind her actions. Cameron is like that teenager who never grew up. Every single thing she does in and out of the ring is annoying. Everything she says is annoying. Her gimmick is annoying. Her voice is annoying.
I for one am shocked the Bellas are low-rent Arizona trash who would feel up implants and go on and on about snail trails on national TV. Nikki trying to goad her sister into implants is also classy.
ReplyDeleteIn my house, we couldn't decide what to do on New Year's Eve recently, so we settled for trying E for the first time whilst watching Total Divas.
ReplyDeleteIt was *amazing*.
That's all I have to say, because we're several episodes behind you still at this point.
Also: this season needs more Vinnie partying whilst everyone else looks pissed off.
They're veterans, you watch your tongue, or you'll be pulled up in Divas' Court.
ReplyDeleteHow many of the divas are recovering alcoholics?
ReplyDeleteAnd there's just no way "she was asking for it" would have been okay if Paige was kissed by Damien Sandow.
ReplyDeleteThis show is fucking embarrassing.
Finally, I wonder how much total divas footage will be used in the inevitable Bryan Danielson/Brie Bella divorce proceedings.
ReplyDeleteWill they air the divorce on the Network? For only $9.99?
ReplyDeleteIronic, since Cameron proclaimed the Divas to be "role models" who women "look up to" in the same episode.
ReplyDeleteActually I think this couple has the most potential to make it of any of them on this show.
ReplyDeleteI <3 Paige so much.
ReplyDeleteEven when she's faking these awful storylines, she's still the most real person on this show.
ReplyDeleteThis episode has me close to giving up. I was hoping the surgery would've written off Eva. Eva and Cameron are worthless. .are either one actually on any shows? Not so dumd its funny but turn the channel annoying. getting to ridiculous and starting to stuggle to watch w wife.
ReplyDeleteIf Rosa really is that desperate, if still single and younger, I would be tempted to hang at hotel bars when wwe comes thru just for the eeasy score.
You two do a great job on these recaps - keep up the good work!
ReplyDelete