There was a time when the Clash of Champions was an event. The pinnacle of non-PPV happenings, it was a bridge between extended PPV lulls, and a means to kick off hot new feuds.
Of course, that was then, and this is now. The Clash of Champions is more of a hindrance than a necessity, with WCW simply filling out their obligations to the TBS timeslot. This one, in particular, was amongst the least promoted affairs I can ever remember, with Scott Hall vs Lex Luger vaguely mentioned on last night’s Nitro, and apparently Benoit and Sullivan will brawl as well, though it’s unlikely to top what we saw last night. Oh, speaking of, AWArulz was able to locate a solid copy of the wonderfully violent and uncomfortable match that I believed had no Internet presence at all. Enjoy!
We are LIVE from Milwaukee, Wisconsin – home of the CRUSHER! He is not mentioned by TONY SCHIAVONE, DUSTY RHODES, or “SOBER” BOBBY HEENAN. They ARE talking in depth about the “Domestic Dispute” that is Benoit and Sullivan. Oh boy.
DEAN MALENKO vs. THE ULTIMATE DRAGON (with Sonny Onoo) (for the WCW world cruiserweight title)
This is a return from last night, but if you don’t remember it, I don’t blame you since they were given about 6 seconds and no ring entrances. MIKE TENAY’s Cruiserweight Sniffing Dogs begin barking uncontrollably, causing Iron Mike to come tripping over himself and face planting into the announce table to call this one. Mike, I love the passion, but Dusty’s fine on his own, I promise. Sure, he might call the occasional plancha a “jumparoo”, and a spinning heel kick might be confused with a “didja see that Toneh?” But the man’s a veteran, he is not to be trifled with by these young (old) Internet lucha-nerds. In fact, he immediately shows why I offer my undying support, by talking about Dragon’s manager “Sonny Bono”. Dusty, I got you babe. Dragon works a leg-lock as we take our first commercial break.
Malenko’s showing a little fire when we get back, accentuated with a standing brainbuster for 2. Dragon responds by kicking him around like a European football. After a quick powder, Malenko leaps back into this with a backdrop suplex, and grapevines the leg. Dusty speculates this might be a setup to the Cloverleaf. He might be on to something, because Malenko moves to a half crab. Dragon kicks Malenko in the face repeatedly, but that doesn’t work so he uses the road more travelled by simply grabbing the rope. Malenko thinks that’s cool, and drops him with a single leg atomic drop. Dragon throws a couple of shots, so Deano dumps him to the floor and stomps the leg which is draped over the top of the guardrail. Back in, he goes for a Figure Four, but he can’t fully hook it. Upon release, Dragon hits a spinning heel kick and heads upstairs, but Malenko’s barely rattled and cuts him off. A superplex draws a HUGE pop, and a victory roll gets 2! Dragon tries one of his powerful kicks, but Malenko blocks and goes for a powerbomb – except Dragon rolls through and gets 2!! A dropkick sends Malenko to the floor, and he’s right behind with a … well, Malenko sidesteps but Dragon lands on his feet and whips Dean to the guardrail. Asai moonsault is right behind, and Sonny, sensing victory, portrays a desperate stereotype. Back in, a suplex sets up a moonsault, but Malenko kicks out at 2. I think everyone thought that was it. Dean is placed on the top, and a super Frankensteiner is on point. Dragon Suplex is attempted, but Malenko escapes and goes for the Cloverleaf. Dragon escapes quickly, but he takes a tigerbomb! Sonny gets involved, so Malenko decks him, turns back, and applies the Cloverleaf in the centre of the ring! With nowhere to go, Dragon taps and we have a NEW Cruiserweight champion at 13:06! He’s your first ever 3-time champion, which makes sense since he’s also the only 2-time champion. Good match, but Dragon’s lack of selling the body-parts is starting to get to me. When he missed the dive and landed on his feet on the floor, his legs should have buckled and put Malenko back in charge, but like Starrcade, he simply ignored all the work involved with getting them to that point. ***
MIKE ENOS vs. SCOTTY RIGGS
I’m sorry, say what? I didn’t agree to this on my Clash of Champions. The Clash should be used for only the biggest stars. Take for example my personal favorite event, Clash 7, where we were treated to the likes of Ranger Ross, Norman the Lunatic, AND the Ding Dongs. Riggs wins with a forearm smash at 2:27. Riggs promises to bring Marcus Bagwell his “heart and soul” at this weekend’s PPV. Scotty, as a man who endured many a heart break in my late teens and early 20’s, listen to me: the biggest favor you can do yourself is to let it go. Bringing Bagwell your heart is only going to lead to further pain. It’s time you went out and mingled, tried out some new friends, see what works. You might be surprised. This is why Tinder was created. And tequila. DUD
“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND takes us to a break in the action, introducing ARN ANDERSON, CHRIS BENOIT, WOMAN, MONGO MCMICHAEL, and DEBRA MCMICHAEL. Gene says he spied them in a high end Chicago restaurant conducting business, and wants the scoop. The fans, on the other hand, make it clear that they want Flair. Benoit calls himself a wolverine, who takes what he wants when he wants. He’s already taken Kevin Sullivan’s wife, and now he wants his career. Mongo, to no surprise, draws the most heat since they’re in Wisconsin. He calls them a bunch of Limburger Losers. Ease up, Steven. Debra takes over, which gets Benoit, Woman, and Arn to take off in irritation. As soon as they leave, she starts talking smack about Woman.
KONAN, MR. JL, and LA PARKA vs. CHRIS JERICHO, SUPER CALO, and CHAVO GUERRERO JR.
What kind of acid trip did the bookers take before putting THIS combo together? Mike Tenay starts screaming about Lucha-Libre, but only 3 of these guys are from Mexico; assuming we are still on the story that Konan is to Mexico what Hulk Hogan is to America, and NOT that he lives in a cave with Kevin Sullivan, Jimmy Hart, Maxx, Hugh Morrus, and the Faces of Fear. Have JL and Parka taken the abandoned rooms of Bubba and Giant? I’m going to assume that Konan moved in to the Giant’s room, because there’s little doubt in my mind he had the penthouse. Leprechaun slept on a rock, so unless they’re prepared to offer a spot to Mascarita Sagrada (who was last seen crooning with Todd Pettengill on Another Channel), he’s very unlikely to be replaced. And, let’s face it, a wrestling skeleton WOULD make a fine addition to the Dungeon. On the other team, somehow Chris Jericho has been paired with a couple of guys I don’t remember ever having him maintain any kind of previous relationship with. I would at LEAST appreciate some sort of backstage segment where they cross paths, and Jericho compliments Calo on his immovable hat. Unless, of course Calo isn’t in fact a Mexican, but a Canadian Store Mannequin named Jeff who reverts to his plastic state of matter when the hat is removed from his head. Let’s not be quick to rule it out; I’ve never seen Calo without some sort of headgear. And THAT would make sense, because Jericho is also Canadian, and possibly met him during a shopping trip. Calo IS wearing a toque tonight, lending further credence to my Canadian theory. Anyway, everyone here dove on each other before Jericho eventually pinned JL with a Super Frankensteiner at 5:29. **
HARLEM HEAT (with Sista Sherri) vs. JOE GOMEZ and THE RENEGADE
WCW cuts the entrances out of this one, which is both the first match to lack entrances tonight, but ALSO the first with black wrestlers (DNA tests on Scotty Riggs pending). Sonny, take notes. I’d be hard pressed to find another Clash with so many pointless jobber matches. Honestly, I could paste this lineup as a Worldwide card, and you’d have no reason to doubt me. Booker hits an axekick, howls at the moon, but misses a guillotine on Gomez. Renegade gets the hot tag, and is immediately dropped with a clothesline. Heat Seeker finishes for the former champs at 3:44. I’m thinking the only way Renegade has a shot of ever winning again is if he decides to start shooting, but he’d probably only wind up hurting himself. 1/2*
MASAHIRO CHONO vs. ALEX WRIGHT
They booked this show 48 minutes ago, didn’t they? Did only 30 wrestlers show up tonight, leaving them with virtually no options? Can we expect to see Gambler make his Clash debut? Please? NICK PATRICK takes his spot as the designated referee, complete with the nWo shirt because any hopes at subtlety are long out the window at this point. A spinning heel kick gets about a 14 count in real time, but only 1 and a half from Patrick. A small package yields the same. The fans are ready to revolt, not because they give a damn about Wright or anything, but because it’s been 6 months of this now with absolutely no comeuppance from WCW. They have no recourse, and the results are never in doubt, which is getting aggravating from a viewer standpoint. Wright finally has enough and kicks Patrick in the knee, but he refuses to call a DQ since Chono hits a superkick and scores the pin at 4:29. ENOUGH. -***
EDDIE GUERRERO vs. SCOTT NORTON
Nick Patrick stays in the ring, just in case you had any hope of watching anything entertaining tonight. This is Bischoff’s problem on the whole; once he sees something that he thinks is BRILLIANT, he’ll beat it into the ground. And, despite the fact that this Patrick nonsense is already getting under my skin, it’s only going to get worse. Expect large mood fluctuations. Eddie doesn’t manage to make a whole lot happen, because Norton no-sells virtually everything. Tony applauds the nWo’s acquisition of Norton, because he might have been one of the WCW guys to stand tall against them. A standing vertical suplex sees Eddie just get dropped with no effort, and a powerslam has Norton screaming about “NWO STYLE!” No, nWo style would have featured 40 run ins, and 3 minutes of Bischoff vigorously masturbating. Eddie plays possum while Norton decides to go up top for like the first time ever, and Eddie cuts him off with uppercuts. A super rana takes the man down, but Norton dodges a senton bomb. Norton throws a shoulerblock spear that accidentally takes out both Guerrero and Patrick, and DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE sneaks in from the crowd to drop Norton with a Diamond Cutter and a HUGE pop! Frog Splash forces Patrick’s hand, because Norton is simply NOT kicking out, and Eddie scores the pin at 6:39. All my previous complaints still stand; one anomaly does not make up for the other 100 matches we need to endure to get there. *
THE GIANT calls Hogan a “four legged feline”. … oh.
10 Exciting Winners have been Randomly Selected to attend Superbrawl! And, because you’re not paying for this show (not that this would stop them), Tony takes the time to slowly read them off one at a time as opposed to have an intern call them at home. I don’t want to suggest that this is in fact rigged, but I find it unlikely that 10 different states had winning entrants. Arkansas has like a quarter of an electoral vote, but somehow they’ve got enough firepower to have someone on their way to Superbrawl? This is the most suspicious I’ve felt about a lottery since the Pittsburgh Penguins, on the verge of bankruptcy, miraculously landed Sidney Crosby.
KEVIN SULLIVAN (with Jimmy Hart) vs. CHRIS BENOIT (with Woman) (in a Falls Count Anywhere match)
The intensity is turned down a little tonight, as both guys are able to get through complete entrances without a single punch being thrown. Sullivan calls for Benoit to start on the floor, and Chris obliges. Right through the crowd they go immediately, throwing stiff potato shots at each other as they wade through the ocean of bodies. Through the concession area and into the bathroom, and Benoit is thrown face first through the paper towel dispenser. He lies in front of the row of urinals, and Sullivan smashes Benoit’s head with the dispenser. Jesus!!! Benoit feeds it right back with a trashcan that flies errantly into Jimmy Hart! The referee makes his counts with one foot in the urinal; there simply isn’t enough Purell for this! Chris is thrown head first into the vent, and these guys are taking all shots full tilt. Back into the arena, both guys drenched in urinal from the filthy ass gents who can’t control their stream, Benoit is thrown down about 30 rows of stairs!! He usually does them about 5 at a time, but tonight … good LORD. In the ring, Sullivan’s in control and looks to win his second in a row. Chris is tied to the tree of woe, and the running knee connects with Benoit’s kidneys. The double stomp is on point, but Benoit kicks out! I think he might be the first guy to escape that move. Hart loses his shit, and starts screaming bloody murder at the referee, allowing Woman to enter and wallop Sullivan in the head with a wooden chair! Benoit, breathless, rolls over and gets the pin at 5:12! As if enough damage hasn’t been done to the old man, Benoit grabs the chair again and SHATTERS it over Sullivan’s head! These guys are stupid ridiculous; and while the template remains the same every single time, you can’t deny their drive to kill each other, be it with violence, or a bad case of CMV. ****
THE AMAZING FRENCH CANADIANS (with Colonel Robert Parker) vs. THE STEINER BROTHERS
Parker’s donned his Colonel Klink gear tonight, and vows to show the world what Canadians are made of. Please, a real French Canadian would have already chain-smoked their way through a half-pack of MacDonalds. The boys try to sing the anthem, but Steinerized cuts them off because there’s no respect for la Belle Province in ‘Murica. Won’t WCW be sorry when they try and seek sponsorship from Jean Coutu. The voices of THE OUTSIDERS take over the arena and taunt the Steiners; vowing to finish them if the “Molson Canadians” in the ring don’t do it tonight. This is Scott’s return to the ring after an extended injury, and he’s developed a leather fetish during his off-time. Tony applauds the new look … hmmmmmmm. Tony has about 3 months to decide if he wants to become the face of celebrity homosexuality; or Ellen’s gonna beat him to it. Choices abound. While Tony mulls it over, we take a commercial break.
In our time away, the Canadians took over the offense while Tony took a vow of personal silence. The Quebec Crash looks to finish, but Rick rolls away and Ouellette sells hard. Rougeau punches Scotty in the face to prevent a tag, but that gives Rick the time he needs to get to his feet and hit a running clothesline. Scott gets the tag, and he’s got the beats for anything French. Noggin knocker sends Rougeau out, and Ouellette gets launched with an overhead belly to belly. Rougeau grabs the hybrid flag but misses his swing and Scott punches him in the face. A cradle DDT delivered from off the shoulders of Rick is enough to get the pin (and probably kill the big man!), and the Steiners win at 4:12. **
SCOTT HALL (with Kevin Nash and Syxx) vs. LEX LUGER
Dusty hilariously freaks out during Luger’s fireworks, because he thinks he’s caught on fire from errant sparks. Dusty is of course mistaken, as Tony’s the only flaming in the announce booth. Luger takes a toothpick to the eyes, but before Hall can even chuckle, Luger’s locked up with him and has him shoved to his ass. HEAR HIM ROAR! Hall hits a backdrop suplex to turn it around, and he happily wipes his hands of this mess, missing the fact that Luger’s already back on his feet and screaming again. Hall hits a top rope bulldog for 2, but it’s enough to stop Lex’s adrenaline rush. Hall throws a series of shoulderblocks, but Luger stops that with a short-armed clothesline. Hall comes right back with a chokeslam, but misses the follow up elbowdrop. Luger pounds away, so Hall pulls him by the tights to launch Lex to the outside. Nash is there, and runs Luger over like a Diesel tanker. Back in, Hall maintains control, and Nash gives an assist by distracting the referee, which allows Syxx to clothesline Luger. Hall tries a pin with his feet on the ropes, but only gets 2. Hall chokes Lex in the ropes, so when the referee reads him the riot act, Nash rushes in and punches Luger in the face. A fallaway slam gets 2, so Nash tries to intimidate the referee to make him count faster. Hall locks on the abdominal stretch, and uses the ropes to increase the leverage. He’s eventually caught, and Luger hiptosses him off. Lex tries to follow up with an elbowdrop, but Hall rolls away and drops Luger with a discus punch. Luger slides outside the ring, and that catches Hall off guard – giving Lex the chance to sweep out his legs and crotch him against the ring post! Luger re-enters with a slingshot dropkick (!), and hits a quartet of atomic drops! Running clothesline has the fans amped, but a poke to the eyes from Hall stops their momentum. Luger wins them right back with a powerslam, and he decides it’s time for the Rack! He disposes of Nash and Syxx who try to interfere, puts it on … but Nash comes back in! Luger drops the hold, and hits a running clothesline on Kevin. Nash takes a pounding, but now Hall’s back on top. Syxx jumps off the top with an early version of the Curb Stomp, and the referee finally calls for the DQ at 10:34. **
Nash nails a big boot, but THE STEINERS rush the ring and go right after the tag-team champs. All 6 guys brawl back and forth, and it leads to Team WCW standing tall as the nWo retreat. Luger REALLY should be fighting for the World title, I have no idea why he’s continued to be ignored in the war against Hogan. Will the nWo finally lose a battle at their own PPV this Saturday? Don’t bank on it – but join me for it anyway.
Of course, that was then, and this is now. The Clash of Champions is more of a hindrance than a necessity, with WCW simply filling out their obligations to the TBS timeslot. This one, in particular, was amongst the least promoted affairs I can ever remember, with Scott Hall vs Lex Luger vaguely mentioned on last night’s Nitro, and apparently Benoit and Sullivan will brawl as well, though it’s unlikely to top what we saw last night. Oh, speaking of, AWArulz was able to locate a solid copy of the wonderfully violent and uncomfortable match that I believed had no Internet presence at all. Enjoy!
We are LIVE from Milwaukee, Wisconsin – home of the CRUSHER! He is not mentioned by TONY SCHIAVONE, DUSTY RHODES, or “SOBER” BOBBY HEENAN. They ARE talking in depth about the “Domestic Dispute” that is Benoit and Sullivan. Oh boy.
DEAN MALENKO vs. THE ULTIMATE DRAGON (with Sonny Onoo) (for the WCW world cruiserweight title)
This is a return from last night, but if you don’t remember it, I don’t blame you since they were given about 6 seconds and no ring entrances. MIKE TENAY’s Cruiserweight Sniffing Dogs begin barking uncontrollably, causing Iron Mike to come tripping over himself and face planting into the announce table to call this one. Mike, I love the passion, but Dusty’s fine on his own, I promise. Sure, he might call the occasional plancha a “jumparoo”, and a spinning heel kick might be confused with a “didja see that Toneh?” But the man’s a veteran, he is not to be trifled with by these young (old) Internet lucha-nerds. In fact, he immediately shows why I offer my undying support, by talking about Dragon’s manager “Sonny Bono”. Dusty, I got you babe. Dragon works a leg-lock as we take our first commercial break.
Malenko’s showing a little fire when we get back, accentuated with a standing brainbuster for 2. Dragon responds by kicking him around like a European football. After a quick powder, Malenko leaps back into this with a backdrop suplex, and grapevines the leg. Dusty speculates this might be a setup to the Cloverleaf. He might be on to something, because Malenko moves to a half crab. Dragon kicks Malenko in the face repeatedly, but that doesn’t work so he uses the road more travelled by simply grabbing the rope. Malenko thinks that’s cool, and drops him with a single leg atomic drop. Dragon throws a couple of shots, so Deano dumps him to the floor and stomps the leg which is draped over the top of the guardrail. Back in, he goes for a Figure Four, but he can’t fully hook it. Upon release, Dragon hits a spinning heel kick and heads upstairs, but Malenko’s barely rattled and cuts him off. A superplex draws a HUGE pop, and a victory roll gets 2! Dragon tries one of his powerful kicks, but Malenko blocks and goes for a powerbomb – except Dragon rolls through and gets 2!! A dropkick sends Malenko to the floor, and he’s right behind with a … well, Malenko sidesteps but Dragon lands on his feet and whips Dean to the guardrail. Asai moonsault is right behind, and Sonny, sensing victory, portrays a desperate stereotype. Back in, a suplex sets up a moonsault, but Malenko kicks out at 2. I think everyone thought that was it. Dean is placed on the top, and a super Frankensteiner is on point. Dragon Suplex is attempted, but Malenko escapes and goes for the Cloverleaf. Dragon escapes quickly, but he takes a tigerbomb! Sonny gets involved, so Malenko decks him, turns back, and applies the Cloverleaf in the centre of the ring! With nowhere to go, Dragon taps and we have a NEW Cruiserweight champion at 13:06! He’s your first ever 3-time champion, which makes sense since he’s also the only 2-time champion. Good match, but Dragon’s lack of selling the body-parts is starting to get to me. When he missed the dive and landed on his feet on the floor, his legs should have buckled and put Malenko back in charge, but like Starrcade, he simply ignored all the work involved with getting them to that point. ***
MIKE ENOS vs. SCOTTY RIGGS
I’m sorry, say what? I didn’t agree to this on my Clash of Champions. The Clash should be used for only the biggest stars. Take for example my personal favorite event, Clash 7, where we were treated to the likes of Ranger Ross, Norman the Lunatic, AND the Ding Dongs. Riggs wins with a forearm smash at 2:27. Riggs promises to bring Marcus Bagwell his “heart and soul” at this weekend’s PPV. Scotty, as a man who endured many a heart break in my late teens and early 20’s, listen to me: the biggest favor you can do yourself is to let it go. Bringing Bagwell your heart is only going to lead to further pain. It’s time you went out and mingled, tried out some new friends, see what works. You might be surprised. This is why Tinder was created. And tequila. DUD
“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND takes us to a break in the action, introducing ARN ANDERSON, CHRIS BENOIT, WOMAN, MONGO MCMICHAEL, and DEBRA MCMICHAEL. Gene says he spied them in a high end Chicago restaurant conducting business, and wants the scoop. The fans, on the other hand, make it clear that they want Flair. Benoit calls himself a wolverine, who takes what he wants when he wants. He’s already taken Kevin Sullivan’s wife, and now he wants his career. Mongo, to no surprise, draws the most heat since they’re in Wisconsin. He calls them a bunch of Limburger Losers. Ease up, Steven. Debra takes over, which gets Benoit, Woman, and Arn to take off in irritation. As soon as they leave, she starts talking smack about Woman.
KONAN, MR. JL, and LA PARKA vs. CHRIS JERICHO, SUPER CALO, and CHAVO GUERRERO JR.
What kind of acid trip did the bookers take before putting THIS combo together? Mike Tenay starts screaming about Lucha-Libre, but only 3 of these guys are from Mexico; assuming we are still on the story that Konan is to Mexico what Hulk Hogan is to America, and NOT that he lives in a cave with Kevin Sullivan, Jimmy Hart, Maxx, Hugh Morrus, and the Faces of Fear. Have JL and Parka taken the abandoned rooms of Bubba and Giant? I’m going to assume that Konan moved in to the Giant’s room, because there’s little doubt in my mind he had the penthouse. Leprechaun slept on a rock, so unless they’re prepared to offer a spot to Mascarita Sagrada (who was last seen crooning with Todd Pettengill on Another Channel), he’s very unlikely to be replaced. And, let’s face it, a wrestling skeleton WOULD make a fine addition to the Dungeon. On the other team, somehow Chris Jericho has been paired with a couple of guys I don’t remember ever having him maintain any kind of previous relationship with. I would at LEAST appreciate some sort of backstage segment where they cross paths, and Jericho compliments Calo on his immovable hat. Unless, of course Calo isn’t in fact a Mexican, but a Canadian Store Mannequin named Jeff who reverts to his plastic state of matter when the hat is removed from his head. Let’s not be quick to rule it out; I’ve never seen Calo without some sort of headgear. And THAT would make sense, because Jericho is also Canadian, and possibly met him during a shopping trip. Calo IS wearing a toque tonight, lending further credence to my Canadian theory. Anyway, everyone here dove on each other before Jericho eventually pinned JL with a Super Frankensteiner at 5:29. **
HARLEM HEAT (with Sista Sherri) vs. JOE GOMEZ and THE RENEGADE
WCW cuts the entrances out of this one, which is both the first match to lack entrances tonight, but ALSO the first with black wrestlers (DNA tests on Scotty Riggs pending). Sonny, take notes. I’d be hard pressed to find another Clash with so many pointless jobber matches. Honestly, I could paste this lineup as a Worldwide card, and you’d have no reason to doubt me. Booker hits an axekick, howls at the moon, but misses a guillotine on Gomez. Renegade gets the hot tag, and is immediately dropped with a clothesline. Heat Seeker finishes for the former champs at 3:44. I’m thinking the only way Renegade has a shot of ever winning again is if he decides to start shooting, but he’d probably only wind up hurting himself. 1/2*
MASAHIRO CHONO vs. ALEX WRIGHT
They booked this show 48 minutes ago, didn’t they? Did only 30 wrestlers show up tonight, leaving them with virtually no options? Can we expect to see Gambler make his Clash debut? Please? NICK PATRICK takes his spot as the designated referee, complete with the nWo shirt because any hopes at subtlety are long out the window at this point. A spinning heel kick gets about a 14 count in real time, but only 1 and a half from Patrick. A small package yields the same. The fans are ready to revolt, not because they give a damn about Wright or anything, but because it’s been 6 months of this now with absolutely no comeuppance from WCW. They have no recourse, and the results are never in doubt, which is getting aggravating from a viewer standpoint. Wright finally has enough and kicks Patrick in the knee, but he refuses to call a DQ since Chono hits a superkick and scores the pin at 4:29. ENOUGH. -***
EDDIE GUERRERO vs. SCOTT NORTON
Nick Patrick stays in the ring, just in case you had any hope of watching anything entertaining tonight. This is Bischoff’s problem on the whole; once he sees something that he thinks is BRILLIANT, he’ll beat it into the ground. And, despite the fact that this Patrick nonsense is already getting under my skin, it’s only going to get worse. Expect large mood fluctuations. Eddie doesn’t manage to make a whole lot happen, because Norton no-sells virtually everything. Tony applauds the nWo’s acquisition of Norton, because he might have been one of the WCW guys to stand tall against them. A standing vertical suplex sees Eddie just get dropped with no effort, and a powerslam has Norton screaming about “NWO STYLE!” No, nWo style would have featured 40 run ins, and 3 minutes of Bischoff vigorously masturbating. Eddie plays possum while Norton decides to go up top for like the first time ever, and Eddie cuts him off with uppercuts. A super rana takes the man down, but Norton dodges a senton bomb. Norton throws a shoulerblock spear that accidentally takes out both Guerrero and Patrick, and DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE sneaks in from the crowd to drop Norton with a Diamond Cutter and a HUGE pop! Frog Splash forces Patrick’s hand, because Norton is simply NOT kicking out, and Eddie scores the pin at 6:39. All my previous complaints still stand; one anomaly does not make up for the other 100 matches we need to endure to get there. *
THE GIANT calls Hogan a “four legged feline”. … oh.
10 Exciting Winners have been Randomly Selected to attend Superbrawl! And, because you’re not paying for this show (not that this would stop them), Tony takes the time to slowly read them off one at a time as opposed to have an intern call them at home. I don’t want to suggest that this is in fact rigged, but I find it unlikely that 10 different states had winning entrants. Arkansas has like a quarter of an electoral vote, but somehow they’ve got enough firepower to have someone on their way to Superbrawl? This is the most suspicious I’ve felt about a lottery since the Pittsburgh Penguins, on the verge of bankruptcy, miraculously landed Sidney Crosby.
KEVIN SULLIVAN (with Jimmy Hart) vs. CHRIS BENOIT (with Woman) (in a Falls Count Anywhere match)
The intensity is turned down a little tonight, as both guys are able to get through complete entrances without a single punch being thrown. Sullivan calls for Benoit to start on the floor, and Chris obliges. Right through the crowd they go immediately, throwing stiff potato shots at each other as they wade through the ocean of bodies. Through the concession area and into the bathroom, and Benoit is thrown face first through the paper towel dispenser. He lies in front of the row of urinals, and Sullivan smashes Benoit’s head with the dispenser. Jesus!!! Benoit feeds it right back with a trashcan that flies errantly into Jimmy Hart! The referee makes his counts with one foot in the urinal; there simply isn’t enough Purell for this! Chris is thrown head first into the vent, and these guys are taking all shots full tilt. Back into the arena, both guys drenched in urinal from the filthy ass gents who can’t control their stream, Benoit is thrown down about 30 rows of stairs!! He usually does them about 5 at a time, but tonight … good LORD. In the ring, Sullivan’s in control and looks to win his second in a row. Chris is tied to the tree of woe, and the running knee connects with Benoit’s kidneys. The double stomp is on point, but Benoit kicks out! I think he might be the first guy to escape that move. Hart loses his shit, and starts screaming bloody murder at the referee, allowing Woman to enter and wallop Sullivan in the head with a wooden chair! Benoit, breathless, rolls over and gets the pin at 5:12! As if enough damage hasn’t been done to the old man, Benoit grabs the chair again and SHATTERS it over Sullivan’s head! These guys are stupid ridiculous; and while the template remains the same every single time, you can’t deny their drive to kill each other, be it with violence, or a bad case of CMV. ****
THE AMAZING FRENCH CANADIANS (with Colonel Robert Parker) vs. THE STEINER BROTHERS
Parker’s donned his Colonel Klink gear tonight, and vows to show the world what Canadians are made of. Please, a real French Canadian would have already chain-smoked their way through a half-pack of MacDonalds. The boys try to sing the anthem, but Steinerized cuts them off because there’s no respect for la Belle Province in ‘Murica. Won’t WCW be sorry when they try and seek sponsorship from Jean Coutu. The voices of THE OUTSIDERS take over the arena and taunt the Steiners; vowing to finish them if the “Molson Canadians” in the ring don’t do it tonight. This is Scott’s return to the ring after an extended injury, and he’s developed a leather fetish during his off-time. Tony applauds the new look … hmmmmmmm. Tony has about 3 months to decide if he wants to become the face of celebrity homosexuality; or Ellen’s gonna beat him to it. Choices abound. While Tony mulls it over, we take a commercial break.
In our time away, the Canadians took over the offense while Tony took a vow of personal silence. The Quebec Crash looks to finish, but Rick rolls away and Ouellette sells hard. Rougeau punches Scotty in the face to prevent a tag, but that gives Rick the time he needs to get to his feet and hit a running clothesline. Scott gets the tag, and he’s got the beats for anything French. Noggin knocker sends Rougeau out, and Ouellette gets launched with an overhead belly to belly. Rougeau grabs the hybrid flag but misses his swing and Scott punches him in the face. A cradle DDT delivered from off the shoulders of Rick is enough to get the pin (and probably kill the big man!), and the Steiners win at 4:12. **
SCOTT HALL (with Kevin Nash and Syxx) vs. LEX LUGER
Dusty hilariously freaks out during Luger’s fireworks, because he thinks he’s caught on fire from errant sparks. Dusty is of course mistaken, as Tony’s the only flaming in the announce booth. Luger takes a toothpick to the eyes, but before Hall can even chuckle, Luger’s locked up with him and has him shoved to his ass. HEAR HIM ROAR! Hall hits a backdrop suplex to turn it around, and he happily wipes his hands of this mess, missing the fact that Luger’s already back on his feet and screaming again. Hall hits a top rope bulldog for 2, but it’s enough to stop Lex’s adrenaline rush. Hall throws a series of shoulderblocks, but Luger stops that with a short-armed clothesline. Hall comes right back with a chokeslam, but misses the follow up elbowdrop. Luger pounds away, so Hall pulls him by the tights to launch Lex to the outside. Nash is there, and runs Luger over like a Diesel tanker. Back in, Hall maintains control, and Nash gives an assist by distracting the referee, which allows Syxx to clothesline Luger. Hall tries a pin with his feet on the ropes, but only gets 2. Hall chokes Lex in the ropes, so when the referee reads him the riot act, Nash rushes in and punches Luger in the face. A fallaway slam gets 2, so Nash tries to intimidate the referee to make him count faster. Hall locks on the abdominal stretch, and uses the ropes to increase the leverage. He’s eventually caught, and Luger hiptosses him off. Lex tries to follow up with an elbowdrop, but Hall rolls away and drops Luger with a discus punch. Luger slides outside the ring, and that catches Hall off guard – giving Lex the chance to sweep out his legs and crotch him against the ring post! Luger re-enters with a slingshot dropkick (!), and hits a quartet of atomic drops! Running clothesline has the fans amped, but a poke to the eyes from Hall stops their momentum. Luger wins them right back with a powerslam, and he decides it’s time for the Rack! He disposes of Nash and Syxx who try to interfere, puts it on … but Nash comes back in! Luger drops the hold, and hits a running clothesline on Kevin. Nash takes a pounding, but now Hall’s back on top. Syxx jumps off the top with an early version of the Curb Stomp, and the referee finally calls for the DQ at 10:34. **
Nash nails a big boot, but THE STEINERS rush the ring and go right after the tag-team champs. All 6 guys brawl back and forth, and it leads to Team WCW standing tall as the nWo retreat. Luger REALLY should be fighting for the World title, I have no idea why he’s continued to be ignored in the war against Hogan. Will the nWo finally lose a battle at their own PPV this Saturday? Don’t bank on it – but join me for it anyway.
Maybe I'm overly sensitive, but you may want to edit the line about Renegade given how he died.
ReplyDeleteThis was a cringe and three quarters. Waaaaaay too much schtick. And is this the fourth person reviewing late 90s wcw or just the third guy?
ReplyDeleteDat Renegade joke. You're a stone cold bastard.
ReplyDeleteFunny, though.
The opening match and Dusty's commentary were really the only good things on this show.
ReplyDeleteAlso gotta love the stupidity of WCW having a segment called the "Pep Boys Power Pin Of The Week" and then showing a submission, because apparently showing a pinfall would make way too much sense.
Sometimes I think I'm the only person who remembers Today's Special. Then a random reference to it appears and my faith in the world is restored.
ReplyDeleteI guess that if a short term retail job is what you're looking for, then it's a decent idea.
ReplyDeleteAlready announced Ezra Miller as movie Flash
ReplyDeleteNailz had an awesome voice. Too bad he sucked. He kinda sounds like Evil Ray from Ghostbusters 2.
ReplyDeleteOrndorff/Simmons at Beach Blast 93 is a pretty decent little opener.
ReplyDeleteIm ok with the pick. Not in my personal list but no argument here
ReplyDeleteRoyal Rumble 2001
ReplyDeleteNo Way Out 2001
Wrestlemania X-7
Summerslam 2002
Summerslam 2013 (for the double main event mainly... the rest of the card was average top to bottom, but Brock/Punk and Cena/Bryan are two of the greatest WWE matches I've witnessed, especially Brock vs Punk)
TLC 2011 (underrated PPV)
Wrestlemania XIX
Backlash 2000
Judgment Day 2000
Im in the boat of GAB 89 being one of those romanticized smart mark shows and not nearly as amazing to justify how some in the IWC gush over it
ReplyDeleteWhere can I get som of whatever you were on during the Jericho match?
ReplyDeleteDusty miscalling lucha moves is still much better than what passes for play by play in the WWE today.
ReplyDeleteI've always been sad that Jericho didn't name 'whattamaneuver!' And 'baaaaack body drop' as two of his 1004 holds.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that's what Michael Cole calls all of Jericho's moves that isn't the Walls of Jericho.
ReplyDeleteFuck yeah! Regal bitchslapping Erik Watts!
ReplyDeleteFavourite Vince-ism- Whatamanuver, but I'm also partial to the belly laugh and "HE'S GONNA PUKE!"
ReplyDeleteDamn I forgot about Wrestlemania XIX. That definitely is above Survivor Series 96, but not the other two IMO. Although the bret/austin classic and the main event were the only two matches above ****, the card is pretty consistent and the opener and Taker/Mankind were pretty good.
ReplyDeleteLeather era Steiner Brother's is such a pain to watch.
ReplyDeleteToo many leather wedgies. Yeesh.
ReplyDeleteI've seen the outline of Scott Steiner's buttcrack more than my own.
Yeah, how has there never been a dude who had "Whattamaneuver" as his finisher name?
ReplyDeleteDibiase doesn't get due credit for helping finally get Diesel over
ReplyDelete"SO LONG BILLY! HA HA HA!"
"Virgil? WHERE DID HE COME FROM?"
"NEXT! HA HA HA"
Royal Rumble 90/91/92
ReplyDeleteSummerSlam 89
Survivor Series 89
Beach Blast 92
Starrcade 91/92
Clash 9 a few weeks later was a much stronger show
ReplyDeleteSince all the "pay-per-views" are really just Network specials or whatever at this point, maybe drop it to six regular PPV-style shows and fill the gap every other month with "Clash of the Champions". Do Royal Rumble, Wrestlemania, King of the Ring, SummerSlam, Night of Champions, and Survivor Series with a Clash-style B-show in between each one.
ReplyDeleteSteiners post-1993 were worthless, aside from some of Scott's main event run.
ReplyDeleteWrestlemania XIX
ReplyDeleteWrestlemania X-7
Canadian Stampede
Money in the Bank 2011
Souled Out 1998
Summerslam 1991
World War 3 1995
Survivor Series 1996
One Night Stand 2005
Summerslam 2002
That's my top 10. NXT R-Evolution might creep in over time. I really loved that show. Barely Legal, Mania XX and Summerslam 13 are all up there too.
I'd toss Halloween Havoc into the mix as "fun," and Starrcade 96 was a pretty fun show to watch as an elementary school mark.
ReplyDeleteThe Brock-Taker match is much better on rewatch, free from the assumption that Taker is going over.
ReplyDeleteMID. 90'S. WCW. REVIEWS!
ReplyDeleteI've always really loved Starrcade 1996. The main event (to me) is really really boring (even as a big Piper fan who was really invested in the angle), but the first three matches are all top notch, the tag-match is surprisingly good, Eddie-Page is fine, and the Luger-Giant showdown is a really emotionally charged match with a great ending.
ReplyDeleteWhen? On Steve Austin's podcast, Triple H said the point was to get people "more into" C.M. Punk (I have no idea how losing to Triple H is supposed to get people more into C.M. Punk) and he implied that the reason it didn't work was because Nash "couldn't hang".
ReplyDeleteYeah that's a fucking fantastic show
ReplyDeleteSS 94 and Slamboree 94 are incredible back to back shows. Especially for WCW.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'm not a hulk fan, but in the US he was presented as a cartoon character, he came out and played a cartoon character and everyone was happy. The problem was with the promotion, not him personally.
ReplyDeletearen't they doing that already? (or does anyone think of Fast Lane as being as important as the Royal Rumble?)
ReplyDeleteit still killed off another (of the already very few) credible challengers for the title of the new champion: Warrior's run was doomed pretty much from the start because of it.
ReplyDeleteIf that's true, that's truly astounding. But it seems like necessity -- I mean, really, the entire roster is only CM Punk, HHH, and the Undertaker, so it isn't like they had 40 other names they could have picked for HHH to beat.
ReplyDeleteVince came out of the bathroom, and realized they weren't mimicking the Attitude Era, so he stopped that shit right up.
ReplyDeleteHow do you figure the context isn't correct? In fact, with so many of us choosing the same moments, I'd say the context is ENTIRELY correct.
ReplyDeleteShould the WWE close its doors in the near future due to continued ineptitude (and, let's face it, they've made enough mistakes the last few years that if they weren't WWE, they'd be hurting a lot more than they are), what moment do you pinpoint as the one where they showed they couldn't care less about their fans?
I think the answers are fair enough, and well within the context of the question.
Should WWE turn things around (and nobody is saying they won't), then the question becomes invalid.
Side question:
ReplyDeleteHad WWF ended in 1996 (and they were seriously close, by all accounts), what would their "fingerpoke" moment have been up to that point?
I would say "Wrestlemania 9", one of the most baffling booking decisions ever, having Hogan go over,
So, do we think the lack of love for WM 30 is legitimate, or is it simply bitterness over what it took to get there/what's happened since?
ReplyDeleteI thought the event itself was great (with an awesome WM moment) but the booking before and after the event was so mindbogglingly stupid that it's hard to separate from the event itself.
This is definitely one of those that I think time will be kinder to when watched in reruns (as opposed to when, a year later, they're STILL making those idiotic decisions)
Definitley the latter. I think a great show (WM 30 was, for my money the best WM since 23) can stand on it's own merits regardless of how bad its era is. Vengeance 2003 is another good example of this.
ReplyDeleteCould not agree more.
ReplyDeleteKing of the Ring 1993 is a criminally underrated show...
ReplyDeleteI also seem to have forgot some great shows. For example: WrestleMania X-7 and XIX, both of which I attended live and also No Mercy 2008 which I was at as well.
ReplyDeleteHowever, Rumble 2000, Summer Slam 2000, Rumble 2001, No Way Out 2001, and Wrestle Manias 20 and 21 shouldn't be forgotten either. Bash at the Beach 1996 is another great show, and I like Super Brawl VI. ECW Barely Legal 1997 is also pretty good and Heat Wave 1998.
Starrcade '85, '86 and '83 are all good as classic shows too.
I have no problem with Hogan not putting these guys over, it's always that you hear about the match getting set up one way, and then Hogan changes the finish or the circumstances at the last minute in his favour. Like, in the HBK example, they agree to splitting two matches, and then all of a sudden Hogan can't do the second one, but he still has to go over in the first. That's just dirty pool.
ReplyDeleteConcur. The four-way for the IC title is one of the most under-appreciated matches of all time. Probably because it's only thw third best match on the show. AND the Trish/Steph match definitely fits the category of "entertaining crap". Shit...gun to my head, this PPV makes my top 3 faves.
ReplyDeleteGreat rumours of TNA signing Mason Ryan. I never want to see that guy ever again.
ReplyDeleteYeah ,with the exception of '95, KOTR generally delivered. I wish they'd bring it back.
ReplyDeleteMother of god, what a team. Who wins the one-on-one match between those two once the split happens?
ReplyDeleteDon't forget Jesse Ventura telling us at WM3 that the "B" in Koko B. Ware stands for "Buckwheat."
ReplyDeleteVader because it was the old WCW one that was twice the size of the Juggernaut figure.
ReplyDeleteYou're not, trust me. That episode with Doc from "Fraggle Rock" as an alcoholic wreck is still one of the best half-hours in children's television ever, and I will fight any man who dares to say otherwise. (I liked the reference as well.) :)
ReplyDeleteShout it loud and clear
ReplyDeleteThe WWE still keeps PPV's because there's between 20,000 and 40,000 people in the US that still stump the money for PPV. It's around $700,000 to $1,000,000 of found revenue since they budget on getting $0 from PPV when doing their financial projections.
ReplyDeleteThey'll be stupid to cull at this point. If they bounced 6 B-shows you'd be looking around $4,000,000 minimum in easy revenue. Don't forget whatever international buys they would lose on top of that.
Once buys get to around a few thousand and it costs them money to put on a show, then you may see the culling of official PPV's from 12 to 4 or 6.
Considering he took his own life, he leaves himself open to this type of ridicule.
ReplyDeleteIs it in bad taste? Almost certainly but that doesn't make it a bad thing. It just makes the original act even more stupid and senseless than it original was.
WM9 was awful, but they rebounded pretty well a year later with WMX.
ReplyDeleteI would say Mabel winning the 1995 King of the Ring was the closest to a single moment. Nash bombed as champ and they somehow went in an even worse direction.
ECW One Night Stand '05 has two instances of uncomfortable Benoit foreshadowing. Benoit comes out, and Styles says "and for anyone who thought ECW was just blood and guts..." and before giving Bischoff the flying headbutt, Austin says "Kill that sumbitch!"
ReplyDeleteAside from that, ONS '05 is one of my favorite PPVs.
I rarely comment on here anymore (not out of disdain for the site, just old-man reluctance to scroll through long comment threads) but I just wanted to mention that all of your reviews are really enjoyable reads, and the best thing on here by a pretty wide margin. Please keep it up and find everything that you can from 1997.
ReplyDeleteNo love for WM26?
ReplyDeleteLackluster undercard, excellent main event. Not a horrible show, but not one that I rate highly either.
ReplyDeleteSurprised not to see WrestleWar 1992 on there.
ReplyDelete99 is pretty bad too.
ReplyDeleteTrue, I'd forgotten about that one. I progressively lost interest throughout '99 as the crash tv booking got worse and worse.
ReplyDelete94 is pretty good though, outside of having the worst main event in WWF/E PPV history up to that point, a distinction it would hold for all of 2 months.
ReplyDeleteAnd, Taker should have called it quits right there.
ReplyDeleteAs much as everyone rags on 1995, there was some rancid shit on PPV in '94 as well.
ReplyDeletedownvote, the other 3 guys doing it should give up and let CFB be the exclusive reviewer forever
ReplyDeleteI've asked this before, but what would it change (in stories, booking etc.), if they wouldn't make a "ppv" but instead only a network special, which would be essentially the same, only that they don't make money from it?
ReplyDeleteTen years from now, when all the silliness surrounding the booking is a fading memory, we'll probably look back at 30 with fondness.
ReplyDeleteIs there any way to edit the ending footage of Game of Death into the movie Enter the Dragon. Is there any way for Lee to put on a yellow track-suit facing Han and
ReplyDeleteThe Mabel victory was just so utterly baffling - you had Michaels right there. Literally, why would they ever consider pushing a complete and utter lug like Viscera? FFS
ReplyDeleteVince McMahon looks so creepy when he's urging Tony Atlas to start posing. He's like an overgrown man child who can't contain his excitement over attending his first strip show.
ReplyDeleteA shame, since it looked so great on paper.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this comment...when you made it 8 months ago!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.rspwfaq.net/2014/06/clash-countdown-34.html#comment-1437904025
Fucking Hebner man. You can even see Rock glare at him when he goes to pin Angle for the final time, according to Angle's book, Rock snarled "Count the fucking pin." in that moment.
ReplyDeleteDon't know how you can say one case of bigotry is worse than another and justify the other by saying the lazy "different times" rationale while not slapping that tag to the other cases of bigotry.
ReplyDelete