WCW Worldwide: January 26, 1997

Vintage: You know, say whatever you want about Vince McMahon, but at least he chose to have his on-air Gold Club Wife Swapping fantasies with Trish Stratus. That'll always put him a peg above Uncle Eric.

Without trying to hold the guys to different standards, Vince gets the pass here. Yes, he was living out his lecherous old man fantasies on television, but at least he covered it up a little smoother than Eric by incorporating it into a stupid angle with a rock solid payoff. Eric had no end-game, other than “I’m gonna make out like a teenager on TV because I CAN!” And yes, if you INSIST this is the route you have to take, then I agree, do it with the hottest fitness model walking planet earth as opposed to the road hag from Cedar Rapids, just north of Hell.

CRZ: The definitive recap of this PPV was written back when it originally aired as a "News from Dayton," and although Google hasn't, Rick HAS kept a copy available to everyone.

Everyone should take a few minutes to read this. Rick Scaia, a relatively rationale man, was driven so mad by the stupidity of nWo Souled Out that he decided it was a better idea to shove thousands of hot pokers up his own ass than continue to deal with the pain of the show. Now, it’s probably a little extreme to turn ones anus into a molten mudhole, but that’s just the kind of program this was.

I don’t have a doubt in my mind that Worldwide is going to be a stronger show than Souled Out. Even with featured players Bobby Eaton and Madusa on tap, and even though TONY SCHIAVONE and “SOBER” BOBBY HEENAN are hyping a pay-per-view that actually already aired last night (with Heenan predicting Giant will win the belt), I am relatively confident that neither member of this particular announce team will start making out with anyone.

EDDIE GUERRERO vs. RICK THAMES (in a non-title match)

Let’s see ... bland US champion with no discernible mic skills for the time being against toothless smiling jobber. Sorry Eddie, I don’t care how cool you’re GOING to be, you’re still a wiener for the time being and I’m all aboard the Rick-Train.

Eddie armdrags Rick, who immediately complains of hair-pulling. Oh, this guy means business. Thames takes Eddie down, but a kip up has him back to his feet, as the fans explode in an “EDDIE” chant because the guy with the cue-cards told them to. Heenan starts trying to explain why Hogan’s the most hated man in history, but he’s not making sense, and I hear a little slurring. Are we seeing the re-appearance of Sober Bobby Heenan?!? It’s going to be a good night! Thames hits a mule kick, while Heenan starts carrying on about the fans who were imported to tonight’s event on 17 busses, and are called the “Eddie” people, with that being the only word they know. Come on Bobby, I know you can do better, have another drink! Guerrero rocks Thames with a European uppercut, and Heenan figures the “Fast Talking Eddies” loved that. Eddie hits the Frog Splash, which Heenan calls the “jackknife” because he has no love for Art Barr (may he rest in peace), and Guerrero scores the victory at 4:24. *

BOBBY EATON vs. BILL PAYNE

I think I’ve died and gone to jobber heaven tonight.

Heenan compares him to a Chia pet, or maybe the inside of a mattress. I guess he’s laying down tonight, rats. Payne works a keylock, but Eaton escapes and drives him to the mat with a hammerlock. Payne gets to the ropes, and challenges Eaton to a test of strength. Eaton wins – what the hell? Against THAT afro? So rigged. Payne jabs a thumb to Eaton’s eyes and screams “HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?” Oh Billy, I never didn’t like you. Heenan breaks into “you so ugly” jokes that I’m fairly sure he stole from a repeat airing of the Fresh Prince. Eaton hits a swinging neckbreaker which sets up the Alabama Jam for the win at 4:07. 1/2*

Do you like Nitro? Here’s 7 minutes of video packages dedicated to it! And just like that, this show is half done. Well, it makes it easier on ME.

KAORU (with Sonny Onoo) vs. MADUSA

We haven’t seen Kaoru since the December 29 Worldwide when she was decimated by Akira Hokuto, but maybe the time off has led to some extensive training that will change her fortunes. Tony starts sounding like someone with something to hide, when Heenan asks about his friendship with her. “I’ve known her for many years, and yes, we’re good friends, and, uhh ... I like her a lot.” I hope he signed a pre-nup. The girls trade backslides before Kaoru goes back to her roots and utilizes The Bite To The Knuckle. Kaoru heads up, but Madusa does a handstand headscissors takeover to bring her back in. Kaoru fights back with a pair of Thesz Presses, but she misses a moonsault off the top and gets monkey flipped. She goes for another one, but Sonny holds Kaoru steady, so Madusa flies off and Kaoru pins her with her feet on the ropes at 3:27!!!! Holy crap! On Worldwide?!? Sonny demands his arms get raised, while Schiavone screams that they cheated. Heenan: “I bet when you were in school, you were a tattletale!” Tony: “Are you ready for the Pepboys Power Pin of the Week?” Heenan: “Sure, stool pigeon.” *

JUVENTUD GUERRERO vs. REY MYSTERIO JR.

WILDCAT WILLY gets some rare TV time, doing his shtick during Juvi’s entrance. Rey is currently nursing an injury which caused him to a miss a recent TV title shot, so it’s incredible to see him battling through the pain to compete here on Worldwide tonight. Juvi chops at Rey and goes for a powerbomb but Rey shrugs off. Juvi charges, walking right into a spinning rana at warp speed that sends Juvi crashing to the floor. Back in, a standing switch sees Juvi nail a German suplex and gets 2. Juvi applies a rear naked choke, and Rey has nowhere to go. Unfortunately, this ain’t UFC, and realism ain’t our forte, because Mysterio manages to fight loose after about a minute in the hold with a backdrop. Juvi starts screaming in Spanish, and Heenan agrees. Tony: “What did he say?” Bobby: “If you would have got an education...” Tony: “No, you’re covering up your own deficiencies!” Bobby: “He was explaining why he and Mysterio wear masks.” Tony: “And why is that?” Bobby: “I’ll explain at the end of the program.” Juvi goes back to the rear naked choke, but gives up after getting nowhere. Rey hits a spinning heel kick, and a double jump moonsault gets 2. Next, Mysterio goes for a powerbomb and tells the fans he’s going to hit a standing moonsault. Of course, Juvi SEES that, so he just lifts the knees to block it. Juvi Driver hits, and a 360 guillotine gets ... 2?!? Go to hell, WCW! Bobby: “I’m going to predict that nobody will ever hold the Crusierweight title more than a couple of months because competition is so stiff.” Tony: “Well, Rey held it 6 months already.” .... you know, this stuff is EASILY verifiable, Tony. Why lie over something so trivial? A second Juvi Driver connects, but a springboard splash is blocked with a dropkick and Mysterio gets 2. Rey tries for a rear torture rack, but Juvi swings forward with a DDT and puts Rey up top. Mysterio manages to block the rana, and Juvi hits the back of his head on the mat. West Coast Pop gets the win at 8:45. These guys are capable of way, way more. Heenan: “Okay, I’ll tell you why they wear masks. They’re ugly!” **1/2

They wrap things up with a final sell for  Souled Out. Call your local cable company yesterday!