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This has nothing to do with the WWE

Tonight is the "go home" show for BoD Mania II. We will have the BoD World Title Contract signing between challenger Jef Vinson and the champion, Jobber123. Plus, the final competitor of the BoD Money on the Table match will be announced as are the remaining members of the Officer Farva Memorial Battle Royal. Lets start off the night with a BoD Money on the Table qualifying match. Out to the ring comes The Brazilian Psycho for his qualifying match. He waits as GM Bayless is about to name is opponent.

Bayless moves towards the center of the ring and is about to name TBP's opponent but pauses then super kicks TBP.

Bayless: Your opponent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Money on the Table Qualifying Match
The Brazilian Psycho vs. GM Bayless

Bayless then drops an elbow and covers TBP for the win as he becomes the 5th entrant in the BoD Money on the Table match. Bayless now grabs the mic:

" You see, with my GM job on the line at BoD Mania, people might think that I am scared. But I am not. Bill Ray has been training all day and night. Bill Ray will defeat the man who now calls himself Robert Davis. And when that happens, he will go back to Gosh Hopkins and instead of keeping a pet rock he will be guarding the bathroom. 

But back to why I put myself in this match. Last year, I had a plan to win but it was foiled. And this year, I am showing everyone that I do not need a plan. I will win the damn thing myself. I am the best. I am the greatest. I am.....................the BoD. And all of you just stay here as the result of me. So, at BoD Mania, you will witness my path to the BoD World Title and nothing will stop me. I took care of that giant stain on society, Archie Stackhouse, and I will take care of everyone else in the BoD Money on the Table match too."

Now, BoD World Champion Jobber and the Job Mob head out to the ring. Production crew members are bringing out sofas, lounge tables, and a wooden bowl on a stand. Now Trunk Barlow is carrying a bag of avocadoes as well as a shopping bag with other ingredients. Roth Munson brings out a 30 rack of brew as the Job Mob sit down. Zanatude yells at Munson to shine all three of the BoD Six Man Title belts as Barlow takes out the ingredients and avocadoes as he goes over to the bowl to make the champ some homemade guacamole. Not that store-brand bullshit. It appears that the Job Mob are chilling out here all night long.

Backstage, the camera shows Jef Vinson and his valet entering the arena. Wade Michael Meltzer approaches them for an interview:

Wade: Jef Vinson, how do you feel about tonight's contract signing with Jobber for the BoD World Title Match?
Jef: Wade, I feel fine. No matter what adversity I face, I always come through on top. And with Jobber and the Job Mob, I am not afraid. It's just one more hurdle to clear. 
Wade: The Job Mob have proven to be a great insurance policy for Jobber. They always help him retain. Are you sure you can overcome them by yourself?
Jef: The Job Mob do not scare me at all, Wade. What ever happens will not stop me from my destiny. 
Wade: Last question, Shibata or Nakamura
Jef: Uh.................I do not know Wade. 
Wade: (smarmy laugh) Guess you are an Okada guy
Jef; Sure, Wade. You outed me on that one. 

Backstage, we see three paper bags that have eye cutouts in them on the floor. The camera then zooms in on a note that says "We are Coming Back, We are United."

Kensington Enterprises came early this week to Los Angeles to take a tour and to do some work for the BoD "We Kinda, Sorta Care Foundation." Lets see how that went:

We are at the "We Kinda, Sorta Care Foundation" annual children's picnic, hosted by Kensington Enterprises. Biff Kensington III is at the festivities with his new cane. He also is passing out "HUSS" T-shirts to all of the children as they walk by. Lets see what went on here.

Biff: Alright children, get your shirts and make sure to thank your friend and favor wrestler, The Berzerker.
Children (In Unison) Thank you, The Berzerker.
The Berzerker: (Somewhat Heartfelt) HUSS!............................HUSS!............................HUSS!
Biff: Okay kids, Hoss now has an important message from you.
Hoss: (Lots of bad acting here) Hello, children. It is with great displeasure that I tell you the ice cream sundae bar as been closed down. As a professional ice cream inspector, I have determined this ice cream to be unfit for consumption and will send it off to the lab (A freezer truck provided to Huss by Biff Kensington) for further inspection. Luckily, all of the fruit is fine to eat so you can have that for a snack instead while I go inspect the ice cream.

We will check back later to see how Kensington Enterprises fared with the kids at Disneyland.

Jobber is enjoying his guacamole as Big Dirty Murph rolls a blunt and sparks it off before slapping Barlow off of the back of the head. Jobber then asks the rest of his crew to leave the jobbers alone as they have a match. Barlow & Munson look surprised then head into the ring but that look changes to terror once they see their opponent.

Hoss w/ Biff Kensington vs. Trunk Barlow & Roth Munson

Hoss laughs and points at the duo in the ring, as does Biff and the rest of the Job Mob. Barlow & Munson charge but get clotheslined down as Jobber and the Job Mob laugh hysterically while passing around the blunt. Hoss picks up Munson and hits the Pants-Shitter then chokeslams him to the floor. Barlow struggles to get up and when he does Hoss boots him in the face then hits him with the Pants-Shitter before chokeslamming him down for the win. Now, Biff grabs the mic:

"In just six days at BoD Mania II, you will all see Hoss win the Money on the Table match. And I don't care who he faces (looks over at Jobber) to get the belt because once he contract is in place and the match set, he is getting the strap!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hoss: WHEN I BECOME CHAMPION, I GET MORE ICE CREAM. I WILL BE THE CHAMPION AND GET ALL THE ICE CREAM AND NONE OF THAT HEALTH FOOD SHIT (points at Trunk Barlow) THIS WIMP MADE (Hoss then stomps the hands of Barlow, who cries in agony). TRY TO MAKE HEALTH FOOD NOW, AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Biff gets the mic back)

Today, we are putting the BoD on notice. Whoever is the champ coming out of BoD Mania II is going to pay a visit to the ice cream and its not going to be healthy!!!!! (Biff & Hoss use a maniacal laugh as the Job Mob are taken aback by the monster that Biff Kensington has created.)

Assitant GM and Vice President of Operations and Paper Goods, Justice Gray, comes out to name the first fifteen competitors in the Officer Farva Memorial Battle Royal:

Andy PG
"Happening" Harry Broadhurst
Dean Andrews
Rockstar Gary
Average Joe Everyman
Beard Money
The Brazilian Psycho
White Goodman
Jose Gomez
Tommy Hall
Garth Holmberg
Dock Muraco
Ripner Cabnit

Folks, the road to BoD Mania II is not always rosy. For some, its years of hardwork and pain. Lets see the road Biscuit has taken to get to BoD Mania II and a shot at the C-List Title.

We are at the Robbinsdale, MN VFW Post #494 for a pancake breakfast. Biscuit is here with a flask in the inside pocket of his vinyl jacket. Biscuit came here in his 1987 Buick Regal, which hit the 300,000 mile mark last week. The car doesn't have heat but it does get him around where needed. The breakfast is a success has Biscuit's peer raised him $102.33 for his trip to Los Angeles through the horseshoe tournament. Biscuit takes the cash and heads into his car, where he cracks open a road soda. Biscuit then looks into the camera:

"DBSM, I don't have any fancy ex-Hollywood friends. And Steve Decker does not manage my fantasy baseball league, we have Verne from the Legion who handles that. And I don't know what an Uber is but I do know this...............THEY DON'T COME OUT TO ROBBINSDALE!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN GO TO DAVE AND BUSTERS AND WEAR OVERSIZED TOP HATS BUT THAT WON'T MAKE YOU A CHAMPION. YOU DONT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES. SLEEPING IN YOUR CAR AND WORKING SPOT SHOWS FOR HOT DOGS IS DOING WHAT IT TAKES. AND COME BoD MANIA II, YOU WILL BE LOOKING AT THE NEXT C-LIST CHAMPION. (Biscuit then pulls out a wad of napkins from his pocket and unwraps it to reveal a pancake and three sausage links he stole from the business). YOU SEE THIS, DBSM, THEY DO NOT SERVE THIS AT DAVE AND BUSTERS!!!!!!!!! (Takes a bite and tosses it out the window) I'LL BE BACK FOR THAT LATER

I know the suspense has been killing you all so here are the final 15 entrants in the Officer Farva Memorial Battle Royal.

Dr. Facts
"THE CATALYST" Chad Bryant
Jonathan Meisner
Mitch, the Godfather
Worst in the World
Rock Lobster
Danimal Crossing
Koko B. Flair
"Lukewarm" Mr. Justin B.
Steve Ferrari

Backstage, Marv Cresto and Burt Macklin are watching the "Chappelle Show" on their Hulu Plus. Paul Meekin comes back and puts down his yoga mat, very close to the wireless router. As he prepares for the downward dog position, he slips out and kicks a nearby cart that knocks into a shelf that had a bowling ball, which smashes the wireless router. The Hulu Plus feed is done. Marv and Burt go shithouse as they yell at Meekin, who says that his partner will have something to say about this. Art and Burt go look for the cord to plug into a laptop to watch the show but Meekin grabs it too for his DDP Yoga. It is now 2-1 in a tug-of-war for the internet cable but all of a sudden..............HOLY SHIT...................ITS MEEKIN'S PARTNER..................THE WASHINGTON STATE WOMANIZER HIMSELF................CALIBER WINFIELD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY!!!!!!! He now grabs the cable as he pulls and yanks the cord. Dancin' Devin Harris joins Marv & Burt but now Night & X-Man help out MeekBuff. And here comes BoD Strikeforce and now opposite them are the RIPSHIT KILLERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS A TAG TEAM TUG-O-WAR WITH AN INTERNET CABLE. WE HAVE TO END THE SHOW NOW THIS IS TOO INTENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But wait, GM Bayless sees this and now orders at BoD Mania II, we have a Tag Team Tug-O-War Challenge!!!!!

"Marvelous" Matt Perri and Danielle are standing backstage. 

Matt: "Well, our esteemed GM Bayless (snorts) told me to apologize for saying what I said last week that may have offended some people. I went one better, Mr. GM - I made a little video for everyone that DOESN'T suck. Press play, Danielle!"
We're in what looks like a Law Office, Matt sits behind a desk, going through papers, when Danielle enters. 
Danielle: "Excuse me, are you 'Marvelous' Matt Perri?"
Matt: (Perking up) "Just call me Marvelous." 
Danielle: "Well, my name is Beatrice Olivia Danielson, Marvelous."
Matt: "Good name. Can I call you BOD for short?" 
Danielle: "Of course." 
Matt: "What can I do for you, BOD?"
Danielle: "Well, Marvelous, I was at a party a few nights ago, and naturally, the subject turned to professional grappling, and....well...."
Matt: (Comes around and puts his hand on her shoulder) "It's okay. I'm here to help."
Danielle: "Well, they were talking about things, and I couldn't tell whether those things sucked or not. As such, I didn't know how to contribute to the conversation and it ruined my entire evening. I asked my good friend Dock Muraco about this, and he recommended you to help me. Can you help me, Marvelous?"
Matt: "Of course I can, BOD! Here's the tough thing to wrap your head around - pretty much everything that people like suck. (Danielle is shocked.) It's true! See, people feel the need to justify their investment of time or money in something by defending it even when it just sucks beyond all belief. They do this because they can't stand the idea that they're watching something that sucks, so they convince themselves that it doesn't suck, or worse yet, that it's 'good enough'. This line of thinking is what prevents them from seeing the hurricane of sucktitude that has destroyed their lives."
Danielle: "Fascinating."
Matt: "Indeed. Here, let me give you an object lesson. (He turns the computer screen towards her.) I have two tabs open here. Let's start with the first one, which is set to the WWE Network. I'm going to arrow over this one, what does that say?"
Danielle: "Chi-Town Rumble."
Matt: (Beaming) "Correct! And when I arrow over it, we see the words 'Flair' and 'Steamboat' together. Now, let's look at this one, which says 'Royal Rumble 2015', where we see the words 'Roman Reigns'. Now, think critically here - which of these should you click on?"
Danielle: "Um...the Chi-Town Rumble."
Matt: "Yes! Why is this?"
Danielle: "Because it has the words 'Flair' and 'Steamboat' in the description?"
Matt: "Correct again! And.....because the Royal Rumble 2015 sucks! You see?" 
Danielle: "I think so. What you're saying is tell the truth about things that suck, so people hate you for it."
Matt: "Sadly, this is true. It is my cross to bear."
Danielle: "But you're a hero! You stop people from liking things that suck, right?" 
Matt: "I try. (He puts his head down and sniffles.) Unfortunately, some people aren't ready to be shown that what they like sucks, and that makes it a lonely life to educate those who are determined to deny the suckening of so much. It can wear on a soul, but I have to do it.....for the children."
Danielle: (Tears in her eyes.) "You are the bravest man I've ever laid eyes on. Thank you for teaching me about things that suck. Words cannot express how my life has been enriched by your mere existence." 
Matt: "Well, if words can't express it....."
Music swells in the background as Matt winks at the camera and we cut to black.
Matt and Danielle are laughing hysterically when we return to them. 
Matt: "Come on, you idiots! You didn't really think I'd apologize for telling you the truth about the things you love sucking, did you? Allow me to correct your sucky thinking, morons - I will be here to tell you how much all your shit sucks ass for a LONG time to come. And come BoD Mania, I will walk into my match with the Writer's title, and I'll walk out (After a match that DOESN'T suck) with the Writer's title. Which will probably suck for all of you, but I really don't give a crap. You think Stranger can beat me? Come on, no one's seen him for MONTHS! I bet he sucks. I bet he comes to the ring and looks like Sting at Starrcade levels of suck. So suck on that, BoD. Come on, Danielle. Let's go to Krispy Kreme. Why Krispy Kreme? Because Dunkin' Donuts sucks!"

We're at a funeral home with Hartkiller.

Salesman: "Can I help you?"
Hartkiller: "Yeah, I need a coffin for a friend's brother. (He dumps out a bunch of crumpled ones on the counter) Hang on a sec, I grabbed the money after I beat up the stripper, but I didn't have time to count it....."
Salesman: "Sir, I -"
Hartkiller: "You know what, I'd rather keep this and get a burrito. How about this - If I give you like, say, 12 bucks, can you take a long cardboard box and write a giant letter 'G' on the front of it? That'll be good enough."
Salesman: (Looks horrified.)
Hartkiller: (Laughing) "I'm just messing with you, dude! These people can't afford to bury the guy anyway. I assume they'll just eat him or something. (Still laughing) Take care, man."

The scene shifts to a football field, where Robert Davis and the rest of the Riverdale Covenant stand in the end zone, sans the still missing Archie Stackhouse. Davis has a mic. 

Robert Davis: So, we finally come to our reckoning, our apocalypse. Let me tell you a story, BoD. I was lost and looking for salvation, for purpose, and I thought I had finally been found. I thought I had been found by a man who would lead me to become the best version of myself, a man who would value me as a colleague and a friend, a true leader to follow. What I got instead was a charlatan, a liar, a low to the ground beast named Bayless. And then, he came. Archie. He showed me that my world lay within me, that the salvation I did seek through approval was within mine own self. (Davis starts to run his hands up and down Jughead.) He showed me that Robert Davis would have his revenge only when he knew that he could achieve it. (Davis whirls around and LEVELS Reggie with Jughead! Reggie goes down in a pool of blood.) This is what awaits the Administration! This is your ending, Administration - a bloody carcass with me standing over you. And as for you, Bayless, (Davis grabs the camera with his bloody hands) as for you, the only thing that you'll be doing is begging me to break more of your bones to somehow redirect the pain from your split and bleeding skull. And I'll hear you beg for that mercy, and I'll laugh, I'll give the greatest gales of laughter that you've ever heard as I watch you cower. (He turns to Nebb, who hands him a lighter. Davis flips it on and tosses it to the ground. We go to a wide shot and we see the field is lit up with the words: STACKHOUSE LIVES in flames. In the background, we hear the Covenant in unison:) WELCOME TO HELL! WELCOME....TO RIVERDALE!"

We're in the locker room with the Upper Midcard Express. Petuka grabs the mic from kbjone.

Petuka: "Thank you very much! Now that I am in my rightful place in the Money on the Table match, it's only a matter of time before I, John Petuka, inventor and master of the PETUKA BAZOOKA, will win the Money on the Table match and ascend to the top of the BoD! And it wouldn't have been possible without my beloved assistant, kbjone! Let's give him a hand! Now-" (kbjone grabs the mic from his hands)
Kbjone: "Hey, John, I'm glad we worked our issues out, but I'm in the match too, and I intend to win it." (Petuka stares him down, cold as ice, and laughs, grabbing the mic back.)
Petuka: "Heh, this guy! Such a kidder. (He ruffles kbjone's hair, who doesn't seem to appreciate it.) Look, I know that we worked things out, but let's face it - in every team, there needs to be a Shawn and a Marty, and we all know who Shawn is here, amIright? Now that we've got that straight, I've got a few things to say about The Fuj. Let me tell you something, Fuj - your time has passed. What are you, a hundred now? At least, that's how old you looked in your last match. After Janetty here assists me in winning-"
Kbjone just KNOCKED the mic out of Petuka's hand! They're nose to nose! And here they go! Punches, slamming into lockers, the Upper Midcard Express is at each other's throats! 

GM Bayless is sitting in his office with Justice Gray, having just seen Robert Davis' video. 

Bayless: "Is Bill Ray ready?"
Gray: "Out training now, Boss."
Bayless: "Did Rockstar Gary get that damned jacket out of the locker room?" 
Gray: "I told him to, but he said it was gone before he got there. Probably thieves or something."
Bayless looks deep in thought, clearly disturbed by this news. 
Bayless: "You seen Baker?"
Gray: "Last I saw him, he was taking a bunch of different colors of Sharpies to the local Toys 'R Us to draw penises on the Brock Lesnar action figures so parents wouldn't buy their kids a doll of a 'lazy fucktard'. Why?"
Bayless: "Get him for me."

And now it's time for 'Welcome to the BOD'! But first, here's....GM Bayless? 

Bayless: Look, normally I wouldn't care about these two idiots, but both of them came to me separately and asked, instead of fighting it out for the Farva battle royale spot, to just tear each other apart instead. And since I'm a man of the people, I give you what you want - so at BoDMania, we're going to have Abeyance and Cultstatus in a STREET FIGHT! Ladies and gentlemen, Abeyance!"
And the crowd is NOT happy with Abeyance after last week, as he's being booed out of the building, and he's eating it up with a spoon, shit-eating grin on his face. He gets to the ring where 'Welcome to the BOD' is set up. He grabs his mic.

Abeyance: "Welcome to the BoD!"
Crowd: "Fuck you!"
Abeyance: "You're welcome!" 
Crowd: "Eat shit!" 
Abeyance: "You guys are pretty passionate tonight! I wonder what would have happened if you cared this much when I was SCREWED OUT OF MY TITLE SHOT!"
Crowd: "Screw you!"
Abeyance: "Alright, adult is talking now, so pay attention. I left thebraziliankid at home, because he doesn't need to be a part of this. Last week, I had the chance to get into the Money on the Table match, but someone ruined it. Let's go to the tape, shall we?"
The video from last week rolls, with Abeyance yelling for the tag from Cult, and Cult ignoring him, all set to 'Tell me a Lie' for some odd reason. Finally, we see the ending, with Cult finally going for the tag and Abeyance leaving him out to dry.
Abeyance: (laughing) "Man, that never gets old. So, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, let's bring out the man who will argue any point, the contrarian curmudgeon, the man who loves to hate everything about all that you do, Cultstatus!"
The crowd goes NUTS as Cultstatus appears at the top of the ramp, with a slight but noticeable limp. He stares down Abeyance as he walks to the ring, never taking his eyes off Abeyance. Abeyance still with the big grin on his face as Cult enters the ring. 
Abeyance: "Cult, my friend, how are you doing tonight?"
Cult: (Staring)
Abeyance: "Cult? Cult? You okay in there, Cult?"
Cult: (Staring)
Abeyance: "Okay, I'll talk. You can just listen, okay? Play the big tough guy, right?"
Cult: (Staring)
Abeyance: "You know, Cult, I always liked you. You may have disagreed with people just to disagree, but I dug that about you! Just like I liked everyone else, right? (He indicates the crowd, who start chanting 'KILL CULT KILL') Yep, just like that. So I played along and got ahead a little more, because Cult, what you never understood is that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar, right big guy?"
Cult: (Staring)
Abeyance: "I was okay with playing along, Cult. I really was. And I was really ready to help out last week, to work together as a team and win that match! I really was. But you, Cult, you were SELFISH. You knew that Abeyance would overshadow you, that he would prove to be the superior athlete, so you decided to try to one-up me, didn't you, Cult? How'd that work out for you, Cult? How's that knee?"
Cult: (Staring)
Abeyance: "You could have been a partner, Cult. But now, Cult, now I have to prove a point to you and rest of the BoD. I have to show you that being a nice guy didn't get me anywhere, but beating the crap out of a guy like you will. So I'm sorry that it has to be you, but in another way I'm not, you know?"
Cult: (Staring)
Abeyance: "Well, this has been a productive use of my time, Cult. Let me leave you with this last thought - you're nothing to me, Cult. You want to kick my ass, but I only want to use you to get ahead. You wouldn't believe how LITTLE I think of you as anything more than a stepping stone for my car-" CULTSTATUS LEVELS ABEYANCE! And here we go! Cultstatus clotheslines Abeyance over the top rope and gives chase! Abeyance is trying to escape through the crowd, but it looks like Cult will catch him - whip to the railing! Cultstatus has a chair, big swing with it misses! Rights from Abeyance - Abeyance with the DDT on the floor! Cult POPS BACK UP! OH MY! Lefts from Cult, rights from Abeyance, and here come the referees to separate them! 
Cultstatus: "I'm gonna make you bleed your own blood, you bastard!"
Abeyance: "Welcome to the BoD, bitch! Your ass is mine!"

And here it is folks, the main event.................contract signing. Vinson and Jobber head into the ring.
The Job Mob follow. Jobber wants to make this quick and goes ahead and signs the contract as he wants to leave. He does and Vinson goes to sign but wait a minute, the Job Mob run back in and go to attack Vinson but he fights back. Jobber runs inside after grabbing a chair but here comes Adam Curry, Kyle Warne, and Cabspaintedyellow!!!!!! They go right after the Job Mob as Zanatude grabs the belts and bails. Vinson and Jobber are now toe-to-toe but Murph and Chartock pull Jobber out to safety before anything happens. Vinson yells at him to come back inside but Jobber points to his belt. Curry then calls the Job Mob Motherfuckers before accepting the challenge for the 6 Man Titles. We are out of time. See us next Monday for............BoD MANIA II

BoD Mania II

Jef Vinson vs. Jobber (c) - BoD World Title
Cultstatus vs. Abeyance
Kaptain Kiwi vs. Hart Killer (c) - BoD Solid B+ Player Title
Stranger in the Alps vs. Matt Perri (c) - BoD Writer's Championship
Curtzerker vs. Midcard Mafia (c) - BoD Tag Team Titles
Biscuit vs. DBSM (c) - BoD C-List Title
Bill Ray vs. Robert Davis - If Ray wins, Riverdale Covenant joins the Authority, if Davis wins, GM Bayless loses his GM title.
BoD Money on the Table Match (The Fuj, GM Bayless, Hoss, kbjone, John Petuka, Joe Dust)
Officer Farva Memorial Battle Royal
Tag Team Tug-O-War Challenge



    Thanks to Mister E Mahn for lending me this bell. The ring bell is an underrated bit of wrestling. It starts and ends our matches. Lance Russell banged away at it in futile attempts to restore order.

    It crushed Ricky Steamboat's larynx.

    DBSM is a great competitor and a tough champion. It's even tougher when sycophants - thank you, Uncle Nick - interfere on behalf of their new meal ticket. I respect GM Bayless and his "don't hurt celebrities" rule, so Michael Winslow an Shawn Harrison are safe.

    When a man wants something bad enough, he will do anything. I need new shocks; this drive to California for BoD Mania this Sunday, live on the BoD Network for only 9.99 rupees will be rough. It won't be as rough as what happens to a man with too much celebrity baggage at the hands of a man on a mission from Verne. This is for you, Verne, Gerry, Mad Dog, Nick, but not for you Buck. Never for you.


    I'm coming, DBSM. You'll see what happens.


  2. Is this the return of one half of the Ding Dongs?

  3. Well, I *do* live half an hour from Belleville, IL.

  4. I know I probably don't qualify but can I be booked on the pre show? Can I? Can I?

  5. "What's Baker Doing" is rapidly becoming one of my favorite running gags.

  6. I'm booked for WRESTLEMANIA!!!! Good thing Bayless books me for WWE since I just won the NJPW Intercontinental title for the 3rd time.

  7. Hart Killer, you seem to be lacking focus and come BoD Mania, you will be lacking your title too mate.

    Not only am I an ass kicker but I also can see the future, and I see a future BoD card that will feature a Hart Killer Memorial match.....

  8. Stranger in the AlpsMarch 24, 2015 at 9:43 PM

    I present to you, the BoD Universe, the Stranger in the Alps "workout vignette" leading up to BoD Mania.

  9. Charismatic eNegro Jef VinsonMarch 24, 2015 at 9:45 PM

    Jobber, you evolutionary U-turn! You dhali lama of dumbasses!!

    *Calms down as crowd chants my name*

    I'm checking the Hublot on my wrist and as i see that your time on this earth is now limited to less that a fu*BEEP* week.

    In less that one weeks time I will be taking what's rightfully mine out of the coke spoons you call fingers and claim my spot as the Kingpin of the BoD and your cretinous co*BEEP*ucking cronies will be pouring out liquor in your memory.

    Jobber..your brush with greatness will be coming. Do you realize this? The greatest moment and the worst moment of your life will converge as you stand across the ring from the greatest man of our generation and I generate enough momentum to run across the ring and kick your fu*BEE*ing face off!

  10. AverageJoeEverymanMarch 24, 2015 at 9:45 PM

    "I will win the Farva Memorial Battle Royal because I'M BIZZZZZZZZAAAAARE! And drunk. U. S. A! U. S. A! U. S. A!"

  11. Wow, the Brazilian Kid got squashed fast.

  12. I'm gonna leave the money on the table at BOD mania 2!!!

  13. Well, now we know which part of the Alps the Stranger calls home. (hint: underwear t-shirts hang on lines between houses)

  14. Last year I wasn't booked for BoD Mania. I was regulated to parking attendant. I got myself in that ring though to make sure Bayless got what was coming to him. This year I am defending one half of the BoD Tag Team Titles in a tag team tug of war chutes and ladders Rock Paper Scissors spit swapping match! By Daniel Bryan logic that means next year I. Shall be main eventing the show! So it shall be!

  15. The champs got spared from the Tug-O-War

  16. Theberzerker, #1 HUSS CHOMPIONMarch 24, 2015 at 10:02 PM

    So we're in a match AND a segment! HAPPY HUSS!

  17. Charismatic eNegro Jef VinsonMarch 24, 2015 at 10:02 PM

    No belt with the name Intercontinental will have and value.

  18. Theberzerker, #1 HUSS CHOMPIONMarch 24, 2015 at 10:07 PM

    I know I'm a brutal, despicable heel, but...Theberserker just loves poor little orphans so much. *sniff, soft huss*

    As for the Mafia...well...


  19. Great stuff as always Bayless. Can't wait for BoD Mania. Should be more fun than the real one.

  20. Theberzerker, #1 HUSS CHOMPIONMarch 24, 2015 at 10:08 PM

    "Scruffy believes in this company...*sniff*..."

  21. Thank you. And Rick Poehling (Archie Stackhouse) wrote a good chunk of this too.

  22. BoD: The Wrestling Album!

  23. psst..hey...listen...I'll give you about tree fiddy if you just lay down....just take a dive...don't let pride fuck with you...this whole tree fiddy can be yours bro..

  24. Theberzerker, #1 HUSS CHOMPIONMarch 24, 2015 at 10:11 PM

    What's a tree fiddly? HUSS?

    PrimeTime Ten vs. Mister E Mahn in the "Pride of Canada" Match will now take place at BoD Mania II

  26. Trying to save money on a coffin is scary accurate....At the moment I'm feuding with a grocery store because I bought cheese that was mouldy two days later and won't return it. Turn that up to 11.

  27. [To the tune of the "Talkin' Softball" song from the Simpsons]

    BoD Mania
    Live with GM Bayless
    Archie Stackhouse
    Might just make him famous
    Jif Vinson has
    Big ol' booty gifs
    Top Five Club
    With their title rifts
    Here comes Berserker
    Also Hoss and Biff

  28. Like Lesnar, Zanatude only wrestles on the important shows.

  29. (The "Stackhouse Lives" fire, still glowing in the field, opens the scene. Various members of the Covenant are jubilantly walking around it. Robert Davis stands watching, brow furrowed, a pained look on his face. He lets out a long whistle, and the Covenant comes to stand before him.)

    "Fellow believers, we are but a few short days from fulfilling our leader's ultimate goal. To rid the BoD of its derelict leader. We have fought the good fight against the tyranny of GM Bayless. He has deigned himself unafraid. He is now what he was destined to be. The Mad King on the brink of the abyss. The void he teeters on is not one of death, as he is unworthy of the bliss of true release. No, it is the void of mortal servitude. Of being just another deposed dictator, doomed to live the last moments of his broken existence suffering for the crimes he has foolishly committed in the name of false pride. He sends forth Bill Ray, a lamb to the slaughter of our righteousness. He will not defeat me, for my purpose is true, my hatred valid, my wrath earned. But I feel the depths of my desire for his loss and Bayless's blood are not fully realized by them. So, I must show them that I have truly destroyed the chains of my past."

    Nebb, we talked earlier. You know it must be done. Surrender the object lesson of the day.

    (A fretful Nebb slowly walks forward, in fear, but yet somehow lost in a sense of broken peace. He lays something at the feet of Davis the camera doesn't quite make out as Nebb stands in front of Davis, who pulls out what looks to be a small sledgehammer from behind his jacket.)

    "Bayless, the object before me is small in size, but infinite in its representation of the misery I suffered from your misguided attempts to keep me an indentured servant in your corrupt Administration. And its destruction, tho painful as it may be for a brother, is necessary for the totality of my freedom and the crux of your downfall to happen. Ray, watch closely, because you are likewise facing eradication of your shallow life, and truly becoming another member of the Covenant. We already know the jacket fits, don't we? And we know that thieves only take what they can find. Wear it proudly in secret. Come Sunday, you will wear it for the world to see.

    (Davis bows his head, then takes a last look at the fire. He gazes down and as Nebb moves back to the fold, we see none other than the long watched over pet rock at Davis's feet. With a smile, he raises the sledgehammer high and brings it down. The small rock dust can be seen flying out from under the head of the powerful tool. Davis holds it in place and gazes at the camera.)

    BoD Mania, Hell hath no other name for you Bayless!

  30. Best assistant that ever lived. Handsomest as well.

  31. I have legit never had a singles match.

  32. Oh definitely, they've got Legos for everything now.

  33. I continually rag of my girlfriend's ex for spending $600 on Lego sets at tax time. Like, they have a kid. What a fucking loser.

  34. I was lured back in by the modular sets. I've built the Town Hall, Cinema, and I've got one more in the box. I'm trying not to buy too many more...but it can be addicting.

  35. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 24, 2015 at 11:39 PM

    My grandparents on my mom's side got here from Germany. In 1942.

    And they're dead now so I can't spend seven thousand hours of my life asking them HOOOOOW?

    My grandpa especially is like a statue of Prussian values from the pictures I've seen of him in that period, I'd kill to know how the fuck they made it.

  36. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 24, 2015 at 11:40 PM

    I find these links super duper fascinating. From the books we see it all as these clearly defined sides but of course there were millions and millions of people that didn't particularly care one way or the other. Or did care one way, but just for a while and moved on to something else.

    It's so weird.

    Both wars are only 4-5 years but from the texts I feel like they must have been LIFETIMES.

  37. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 24, 2015 at 11:44 PM

    It's not watching PPV's and goofing, but turning this thread into a late-night war history talk three nights running is so far my candidate for Most Fun of the Year at the BOD 2015 haha

  38. Yeah, it's weird that the Iraq War was two years away from going on longer than both World Wars combined.

  39. I've never built an entire lego set so I've been thinking about buying one. Just to do it.

  40. I'd have to think your grandparents moved to an area with a settled German population. The area of southern Illinois I'm from still had older immigrants from the old countries. In the '40s you'd still hear people speaking German and Polish.

  41. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 24, 2015 at 11:46 PM

    That felt like a blip really, and to be honest should we as a nation be blamed for not paying attention when even the fuckers over there fighting it were blowing hours playing Playstation at FOB's? lol

  42. Actually from what I've read that's not odd; about as many people migrated to Italy from the US during the major period of Italian immigration to the US.

  43. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 24, 2015 at 11:47 PM

    From what I understand they landed somewhere in the South and made a beeline for eastern Washington state. And my grandpa immediately got work as a carpenter so yeah, you're probably right, there was probably some kind of connection.

    Everyone in the family still has chests and toyboxes and all kinds of stuff he made, old world man, that shit will easily outlive me too.

  44. And none of even had to get naked!

    ...that we know of

  45. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 24, 2015 at 11:48 PM

    When I was a kid they didn't really come in any sort of set. As far as I remember anyway. It was just a shitload of pieces and you kind of did whatever you wanted.

    Get off my cave.

  46. Which is a shame. I think you're the Roman Reigns of our group.

  47. I thought you were going to set up a call and response they're.

    "When you say Barry, I say..."

  48. Save Money On Your Coffin With This One Weird Trick (cremation)

  49. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 24, 2015 at 11:50 PM

    Just the idea of a draft is basically inconceivable now, let alone the concept of total war. Imagine barista's building drones.

  50. Depends on local and state school boards, I'd guess. I was surprised in school that my history teachers actually admitted we lost Vietnam.

  51. I have some 80's house show matches. Terry Gibbs vs. Scott Casey is pretty close to that.

  52. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 24, 2015 at 11:51 PM

    WOW...this was in high school? 90's? 00's?

    No teacher I ever had would even talk about that war.

  53. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 24, 2015 at 11:52 PM

    Oh and the Christmas soccer party in No Man's Land is straight up acid trip shit. If you wrote that in a story any editor in the world would take a shit on your manuscript.

  54. I think if we had a mandatory draft, a lot of politicians would be less foolhardy about going into war.

    Seriously, when we went to war with Iraq, I was FREAKING OUT at the idea of them instituting another draft, especially since I was already 18 at that point.

  55. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 24, 2015 at 11:53 PM

    I joined up because all my friends did. My 20's are just a shitpile bro hahah

  56. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 24, 2015 at 11:54 PM

    I like the way we're going to do it now, robot war COD style from computer banks in Oklahoma is the way to go, soon we'll have Iron Man's

  57. Just saw Donald Glover on 30 Rock!!! I'm marking out bro!

  58. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 24, 2015 at 11:55 PM

    YOu're watching 30 Rock now?

  59. So this evening I ate dinner at Subway and got the combo (chips + drink) and on the receipt next to it said something like "value meal, 21-1."

    So apparently I got the Undertaker WM XXX special

  60. I've already seen all the episodes of it. I just have it on in the background while I'm playing a game.

  61. I was too much of a coward, gunfire scares the fuck out of me.

  62. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 24, 2015 at 11:59 PM

    That's another show that was really good and just sort of spun out at the end. The proto-Parks but Parks had a million times more heart

  63. I finished House of Cards earlier today.

    I still think Kevin Spacey could be the Heather Ledger to Willem Dafoe's Jack Nicholson.

  64. How much 30 Rock have you seen? I remember talking about it ages ago.

  65. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 25, 2015 at 12:00 AM

    To me it seemed like a natural progression in a journalism career, because I was young and thought I was Hemingway. Oh the chills, they're douchify.

  66. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 25, 2015 at 12:01 AM

    All of it, I really loved that show in the first few seasons, had the.....the....oh those things, the round things you can hold in your hands make tv, whatever they're called....I had those for 30 Rock

  67. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 25, 2015 at 12:01 AM

    Is it that good? I've heard nothing but crazy positive praise, I should check it out I love Spacey in everything except Superman

  68. I like it. I rank it 4th on the list of Modern Day Classic NBC shows though behind Parks, Community and the Office.

  69. I wasn't too thrilled with the third season but the first two seasons are insanely good. Spacey just owns the scenery with every moment he's on screen. His southern accent takes some getting used to but that's it.

  70. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 25, 2015 at 12:03 AM

    Yeah I don't even know where I'd rank it now, it was good then but it's kind of snarky and the dialogue is really super cheesy and written, I'm not turning on it but I don't love it near as much as I did, Parks blew it out of the water, Amy made me forget Tina even existed.

  71. Did you like KPAX?

  72. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 25, 2015 at 12:05 AM

    He does an accent? Fucking sweet.

    My favorite Spacey story is how he had to fight the producers not to front credit him in Se7en. His logic, quite sound, was if he was credited people would spend the movie thinking "When does Spacey show up?" and when he didn't by halfway through the movie they'd think "Oh, duh, Spacey's the bad guy"

    A totally simple request that fucking MADE that movie

  73. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 25, 2015 at 12:05 AM

    I did actually. I don't remember much of it now to be honest, maybe I wouldn't like it on rewatch but I remember quite enjoying it in the first years after it was out. We had that disc in the apartment I shared with roommates.

  74. I seem to recall it being a downer of a movie in some ways

  75. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 25, 2015 at 12:10 AM

    It's a real fucking head trip, from what I remember he believes he's an alien because his family got murdered.

  76. Spacey's a fucking pro. He's the type of guy I would love to just sit down and chat with for hours.

  77. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 25, 2015 at 12:12 AM

    Oh for sure, I could spend 3 hours just talking to him about Glengarry Glen Ross lol

  78. It's 2 am, time to strop drinking and writing and finally get some sleep. Or watch Cheers all night.

  79. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 25, 2015 at 12:15 AM

    Waiting for her to get home in an hour, goodnight man!

  80. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 25, 2015 at 12:15 AM

    Crazy WW2 story: In Britain the government encouraged girls to pin white feathers on any boy over 16 they saw that wasn't serving in some form of the armed forces

    Basically outing all the guys as punk bitches haha, that's some hardcore propaganda right there

  81. Marv I was playing one of those Civilization games today! Played as the Japanese and won. Lincoln tried to mess with me despite my being a peaceful nation and I whooped American ass.

  82. First Donald Glover on 30 Rock now Aubrey Plaza!! Oh yeah!

  83. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 25, 2015 at 12:28 AM

    Lol, those games are a deep deep rabbit hole man, I can do one set up and make it last 20+ hours

  84. Damn that's nuts. The one I played only went about 2 hours.

  85. ღαґ√ ḉґεṧтøMarch 25, 2015 at 12:33 AM

    Marathon and Deity mode bro, mess with the Crest, die like the rest

  86. Yeah so this had to be the worst thing I've ever done

  87. If anything, turn him heel. I guess. ?

  88. He should shave his head and start a cult gimmick. Nobody would join.

  89. What. The. Blurg.

  90. Anything can happen. Who would've thought some comedy sketches with Kane would wind up propelling Daniel Bryan to the main event of WM30? Reigns just seems so aimless though. I hope things work out for him but he just doesn't seem to have the charisma or versatility of a guy who gets that type of dumb luck.

  91. Work in progress, please stand by

  92. I don't even understand what I'm looking at.

  93. There we go, much friendlier avatar, I think I've gotten his full face shopped perfectly, possibilities are fucking endless now

  94. The names for rivers are so much better in Europe, Vistula and Elbe and Danube and great

  95. Hideous irony of the ostfront in WW1: The Russians turned against the Jews in Poland thinking they were all secretly in bed with Germany

  96. Burt Macklin, FBIMarch 25, 2015 at 3:17 AM

    Alright surprise partner Caliber Winfield was a mind blowing reveal.

    Well done Bayless.

  97. Thaddeus MountainMarch 25, 2015 at 3:25 AM

    The Rhine, Volga, Dniester, and Dnieper are also wonderfully named.

  98. "Ween" Dean AndrewsMarch 25, 2015 at 3:33 AM

    You could start including excerpts from your Mike Enos biography. Do you have a publisher yet?

  99. "Ween" Dean AndrewsMarch 25, 2015 at 3:35 AM

    It will be an honour to be ejected from the Memorial Battle Royale in the same sentence as I am first mentioned. Ideally to a back rake or finger poke please.

  100. In Russia, Russev is a ten

  101. Or, when nailed by a PANTSSHITTER for making fun of large man who is fucking his wife.


  102. Kurt mentioned in his book that Vince had done amateur wrestling in his youth, which is why he tried to take Kurt down on a plane once.

  103. "If Bill doesn't want to work then Bill won't work."
    -Lance Storm-

  104. You can't seriously be mad at Brock Lesnar is sticking around

  105. You seriously think it's those guys who this hurts? Orton and Cena will still main event PPVs, because they still draw the numbers. It's likes of Bryan and Rollins who are further down the pecking order who lose out.

  106. "Yep Mode" Abeyance Brown ©March 25, 2015 at 5:45 AM

    Cult, you were once the great leader of the BoD, now it's my turn to prove that I belong.

  107. Not even booked. What a sham!

  108. But to be sure, u mad bro ?

  109. Crikey Mate Down Under AussieMarch 25, 2015 at 6:38 AM

    the one TNA show i went to...

  110. This is it, everyone! Blog o Doom Mania II, just around the corner. I'm looking forward to all of this -- but mostly, I'm looking forward to carrying the mantle of the opinionated and unafraid. Officer... this is for you. The title's coming to a man who will carry your legacy -- the PG man.

  111. I'd actually have Rusev win and challenge Brock at SummerSlam.

  112. I believe they put all his clips on TNA On Demand (or whatever their YouTube shit was called), but no DVD

  113. *The Fuj walks into a old and abandoned gymnasium. He sees
    an old dusty mat on the floor… He bends over and swipes the mat with two of his
    fingers and inspects the dust… He swipes it away and paces around the gym.*

    “…Back when it was just a handful of us just with a dream to
    wrestle…. There were no titles or championships. There were no GMs or bookers.
    It was just some guys who decided to come together and put on a show for the
    people… Now… it is BoD Mania II… And I have a shot at a CHANCE… for fighting to
    gain the World title… It’s amazing. 9 years ago, I would have never imagined that
    it would come to this. The fruits of our labor are finally paying off. Last
    year, people thought it was a fluke but now it is official. The BoD promotion
    is a ‘thing’… And now, on the biggest stage, I have to outlast 5 people with
    differing motivations to get my shot…

    My body is old…

    My joints ache.

    My bones creak when I wake up…

    Come Mania II, nothing will stop me from obtaining my shot.”

  114. Theberzerker, #1 HUSS CHOMPIONMarch 25, 2015 at 8:23 AM

    Poor Curtis Jannetty. I mean Williams.

  115. Theberzerker, #1 HUSS CHOMPIONMarch 25, 2015 at 8:25 AM

    I'm sure no one here knows the band My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult other than me, but cult's chant should be like that...."Thrill! Kill! Cult! Thrill! Kill! Cult!"

  116. Theberzerker, #1 HUSS CHOMPIONMarch 25, 2015 at 8:26 AM


  117. Nope for him. The kid is 4 and not very into Legos. He's just a bitch ass manchild. I couldn't justify spending that much money on toys for myself when I have a kid. But if you're kidless or otherwise well off? Knock yourself out. I have another friend who builds Lego sets all the time that has a good job and no family, so no harm no foul.


  119. Doesn't mean you wont have a role..............

  120. You're not good at picking up on sarcasm, are you?

  121. Cult was the leader of the BoD during the altitude era, which meant all we could do was go up cause that was rock bottom...

  122. Followed by Reign of the Reigns?

  123. Anchor Cheese wouldn't dare sponsor that.

  124. Eh? Would my comment even have made sense if I had taken him literally?

  125. Anchor Cheese will be sponsoring me at Mania and Tony is loaning me a horse to ride in on for my very special entrance mate....

  126. I saw them at an outdoor festival with bleeding through, devil wears Prado, and some other bands that sucks so I didn't care about them. Pretty good band.

  127. We have sprang for Hollywood extras to come out to the ring dressed as Kiwifruit trees.

  128. Theberzerker, #1 HUSS CHOMPIONMarch 25, 2015 at 1:28 PM

    They are industrial royalty, even though I'm picky about their stuff (I like electronic music, but there's a limit to how much disco I can take). Main singer/music guy worked with Ministry in the 80's so the first couple albums are more raw and aggressive...check 'em out, esp. if you like stuff like NIN's first album 'Pretty Hate Machine'.

  129. Man I'm glad brock staying. I didn't want him back In mma he's really getting some steam lately and definitely cab be a great baby face

  130. Given how little brock in the ring he's had some great matches first match with cena match with punk at summerslam 13 and royal rumble 15 every year he's had a motyc. And nobody is drawing because vince won't let guys draw. He'd rather do this b.s then let guys go and get heat or draw money

  131. I hope they turn brock baby face and have him against the authority and what not. I'm tired of those guys u mentioned. And it sucks for them because we give them shot for vince shitty booking

  132. I get what you're saying. But if he used right from the start they probably could have made insane amounts of money.imagine he was undefeated from 2013 til when he faced undertaker that match would have been much me wwe is at fault with there booking.

  133. Hulk hogan was getting $30 thousand at tna if I remember right and he can barely Im cool with brock geting his money

  134. Eh rusev is nowhere near ready to beat brock. I would have a top baby face beat him and get the rub.

  135. Fat, Ugly Inner-City SweathogMarch 26, 2015 at 12:33 PM

    Why not just use Kevin Owens in that Bubba role? He's even better in the ring and actually has upside.


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