The SmarK Rant for WWE NXT 2.0 – 12.07.21
(I got 90 minutes into the show last night and then the blog got hacked and I got distracted. So here's what I had done before then!)
Two NXT shows in a 48 hour span! It’s the real Christmas miracle!
Live from Orlando, FL
Your hosts are Vic Joseph & Wade Barrett
CAGE OF STEEL: Von Wagner v. Kyle O’Reilly
Kyle again outsmarts Captain Caveman and lays him out during his entrance, and then chases him into the cage and beats on him. Wagner comes back with a clothesline and works him over in the corner, but KOR works the arm until Von Cro Magnon gets a slam. Kyle beats him down with knees again and tears at his face, but Von Beverly puts him down with a big boot and a gut wrench. Crowd: “You still suck”. They’re smarter than I gave them credit for previously. Von chokes him out with a boot on the ropes, but Kyle tries picking the ankle from his back and then fires back with kicks until Von, surprise, slams him again. Destrucity splash gets two. Wagner goes to a devastating rolling cuddle on the mat, putting Kyle in imminent danger of hyperthermia due to oversharing of body heat, but Kyle somehow breaks free of this predicament and takes out Von’s knee in the corner. Wagner tries a powerbomb into the cage, but Kyle DDTs him and we take a break. Funnily enough, the first commercial is a WWE ad for Smackdown, featuring a bunch of people who have since been fired. Time to update the marketing. Back with Kyle making a comeback with a sliding knee and some forearm shots into the cage, which sets up a guillotine in the ropes. Wagner’s prehistoric spinal ridges save him and he’s able to slam out of it for two. Kyle beats him down again and goes up, but Wagner follows him up like a monkey chasing a bone up a monolith, and Kyle sends him down for a flying knee that gets two. The mistake is that he keeps hitting Wagner in the forehead ridge, where the bone is thickest. Von goes low, however, and sends Kyle into the cage because STEEL BAD and finishes him clean with the Slam of the Cave Bear at 12:53 to draw groans from the audience. Even the 300 paid studio audience members aren’t buying into this guy. Match was entertaining for what it was, which was Kyle O’Reilly wrestling himself for 10 minutes and Von Wagner occasionally doing another variation on a slam. ***1/4 And then Von puts him in the cage door and slams it a few times so that if Kyle shows up at a hypothetical winter-themed outlaw mudshow next week no one will ever buy him as an “elite” wrestler. I know I’m convinced!
Meanwhile, Joe Gacy continues annoying me by existing. Hopefully he can work on that as a part of his developmental strategy.
Bron Breakker joins us and the fake crowd noise for him is ridiculous, especially considering he’s already over and the biggest star of the show and doesn’t need piped in “Breakker” chants. So Bron quickly challenges Ciampa to a rematch, but Diamond Mine interrupts, as Bivens calls him “Lebron” and notes that the weight limit has been lifted from Roderick Strong’s title and now Roddy is after Bron. Look, I don’t object to turfing the Cruiserweight title concept, but this show does not need three heavyweight singles titles. Anyway, it’s Bron v. Strong next week.
The Creed Brothers v. Josh Briggs & Brooks Jensen
And we go to a break after the entrances and return for the start, at which point Imperium interrupts and watches from the weird balcony. I would once again like to stress how awesome that Imperium were on that Wargames show, and Aichner is out of his mind great recently. And just to throw another layer of nonsense here, the Grizzled Young Vets are doing commentary. Coy and Vance double-team Julius and Vance gets a splash, but Brutus comes in and throws Coy around before the Creeds do some awkwardly-timed double-teaming. Speaking of Creeds, I bought the Rocky IV Director’s cut a while ago but still haven’t gotten around to watching it yet. I’m assuming this is the version where Apollo doesn’t get brutally murdered by the Russian, right? The Creeds throw out Coy or Vance or whichever fake Duke boy and Julius gets a stretch muffler as this shitty match just drags on and dies on the TV screen. Anyway, the Vets untie the tag rope from the Duke corner and thus can’t make the tag legally, but then one of them runs Julius into the other one and rolls him up for the pin at 6:00 of my life that I’ll never get back again. This was ATROCIOUS and the BJs are a disgrace to the good name of the General Lee. How are they even allowed to call themselves Dukes? -** They actually do need a trailer trash valet to play Daisy Duke. I nominate bringing back Audrey Marie. You know, for science and the good of the show.
Speaking of atrocious, Von Wagner says that WARGAMES OVER, BUT REALLY WARGAMES JUST BEGUN.
Meanwhile, Xyon Quinn is shadow boxing when he heard you on the radio. Huh. I just don’t know.
Duke Hudson joins us and he’s sporting a different blonder haircut. Despite his convincing explanation, Cameron Grimes interrupts and Duke literally puts on the same headgear that Kurt Angle used back in 2001 when they did this gag the last time. So Grimes challenges him to a No Holds Barred rematch next week. Grimes already beat him and shaved his head, it’s time to move on.
Meanwhile, Jacket Time gets into a fight with the Vets backstage while the BJs go to a concert with the KCs and someone is sleeping behind the counter apparently. What even was that?
Meanwhile, Grayson Waller puts the moves on someone, but LA Knight uses his hot car to steal her away. Oh great that’s still going too.
Dexter Lumis v. Carmelo Hayes
Dexter slugs him down to start but Hayes fights back and grabs a headlock, allowing Dexter to run him into the corner and further injure the taped ribs. Lumis goes after Trick Williams and walks into a flying clothesline from Carmelo for two. Hayes works on the injured hand and this match sucks, but Lumis does his weird yoga pose at Trick and Hayes catches him with a kick as we take a break. Back with Hayes going back to working the hand and then going to a chinlock. See, now there’s psychology for a tag team match, you break the guy’s hand so that he can’t make the tag and thus will be stuck on the ring apron forever. Makes about as much sense as sabotaging the tag rope. Back to Hayes working the hand as Vic notes that this was supposed to be Dexter v. Trick Williams tonight, which is ridiculous because it implies that they advertise anything for this show. Dexter comes back with clotheslines and the bulldog for two. Hayes rolls him up for two, but Lumis gets the Silence and Trick runs in for the DQ at 11:25. Way too long for that stupid finish. *1/2
Meanwhile, MSK finally finds their shaman, and it’s Matt Riddle. Six weeks of buildup for THAT? So they bond and share weed. That was the best they could come up with?
Meanwhile, Toxic Attraction poses and cuts a promo on Vic Joseph on the way to the ring.
Meanwhile, the Way is mostly reunited.
Yulisa Leon & Valentina Feroz v. Toxic Attraction
Gigi randomly has ribs taped up and Jayne has an elbow taped up to sell Wargames and show how brutal it was. They could barely even pose in the aisle and on the apron and in the ring and on the apron again! Leon gets double-team while Vic notes there’s an old saying: “He who has the gold has the power.” That’s not a real saying. I’ve literally never heard any human being ever say that, ever. Jayne with a chinlock, but Leon escapes with a slam and brings in Feroz. She goes up with a crossbody on Dolan for two while yelling a lot, but Jacy clotheslines her and hits a big boot for the pin at 3:45. And then we get more posing. Cora Jade interrupts the posing, and then Raquel runs down with a chair and chases them off. WARGA…oh wait we already did that one.
Meanwhile, Tiffany Stratton does gymnastics. Apparently she was an Olympic athlete. Good to know.
Meanwhile, Tony D’Angelo shows off Pete Dunne’s mouthpiece but Andre Chase interrupts and they’re gonna have a match next week.